Apicontent

In all athletic team competitions, the home and visiting teams and their corresponding fans all go by the same rules and boundaries. The rules are published in a book and knowledge of the rules is essential to understanding and playing the game. Making sure the players stay within the limits established by the rulebook is the job of the officials. If a player breaks a rule, the referee penalizes the entire team. The player and his team must accept the consequences. The referee’s interpretation of the game is final.

The words “football game” can tell us many things. The very name of the game determines the shape of the ball, the dimensions of the playing field, the rules of the game, and the type of clothes the players and officials wear.

The word family also tells us many things. Determined limits make a family unique. Every family has identifying marks relative to their type of house, church, school, recreation, mealtimes, friends, house rules, etc. Every family’s set of limits is unique, but certain components are common to most because they are based on common sense. Some limits are fully established and do not change over the course of time, while others naturally evolve as children grow and mature.

Infants usually experience their first limits when they try to squirm out of their car seat or stroller. It is also a major discovery when babies crawl into the baby gate that divides them from a set of stairs. Young preschoolers usually learn the basic limits that will take many forms throughout their whole lifetimes. These include limits pertaining to health and safety, respecting property, and respecting other people’s rights, belongings, and feelings.

Limits provide a basis for consistency and structure that ensure the well being of your children. If you are consistent, your children will know what to expect. When limits are consistent, they are more easily internalized by the children, and following them becomes a lifestyle for them. This will help them become adults who have self-control and who easily conform to the limits placed on them by society.

Limits do not eliminate the problem of human nature, nor will they change children’s basic attitudes, or their spirits. In fact, limits will often reveal inner attitudes and a child’s true personality. However, by setting limits you allow your children some freedom of choice, you make things in your home more predictable, and you provide a framework for dealing with your children.

Children will never maintain limits perfectly. They will need lots of reminders, particularly when they are in new situations that require new limits and new expectations. We must also keep in mind that children have their own ups and downs, just like adults do, and therefore some days they will need more help than others. An adult’s responsibility of dealing with what appears to be noncompliance must always take into consideration a child’s developmental readiness for ideas and activities.

Depending on the age of the child, you may give a simple rule with or without a reason. Very young children think concretely and will not be able to grasp the reasons for the limit unless you can explain it in four simple words or less. Even then, he might not make the connection. An older child, on the other hand, will want to know that reason. Telling the child the reason has the benefit of helping the child develop reasoning skills. However, you do not need to repeat that reason 20 times! If the older child is asking you to explain yourself over and over, he is probably looking for a means of non-compliance.

Parents are teachers. You must work with your children in the spirit of a helpful teacher. Remember that children learn day by day as they become developmentally ready to move on to the next step. Before dishing out consequences, first find out if you did your job of giving your child the best possible opportunity for fulfilling your request.

Try to think of limits as beings areas of freedom.

For example, in our home we had designated areas for play. In the living room, you could read or play the stereo. In the family room, you could play with remote control cars, toys, or games. The only limitation was to put the game or toy back when you were through with it. There were even some things you could do in the kitchen. You could always help with the dishes. You could help prepare meals … or bake cookies. Or you could sit in the kitchen and talk with whoever was baking!

The only limitation in any of these rooms was that you could not throw things or hit anyone and you had to take your turn.

You could make all the noise you wanted in the basement, garage, or bedroom, or outside! The limits defined the options for each area. Our children learned to make choices within the limits and to respect the rights of others.

Tony discovered a framework for dealing with Caleb after going out of his way to set what he thought was a reasonable limit with his 11-year-old.

“Let’s set a reasonable limit, Caleb. Before supper, you wash your hands.”

“Okay, Dad, that sounds reasonable.”

Of course it was reasonable until just before supper … and then Caleb suddenly disagreed with Dad. After all, his hands were not that dirty, and he was hungry!

When a rule is new, children need help remembering the limit. However, when they refuse to follow a rule, they will need help! The degree of a child’s resistance usually determines the kind or degree of help that is necessary. When the child has firmly established in his mind that you mean what you say and there will be further consequences if he does not comply, abiding by the limit will become part of his routine. In this case, Caleb needed a reminder that he had agreed to this arrangement, and that if he did not comply he would be helping wash the dishes after the meal.

You may be thinking, “What about a child’s attitude? Will limits and expectations ruin them emotionally?” Remember, guiding children is not changing their spirits. Changing their spirits can only happen when they are born again by the Spirit of God. After this happens, they will become more like Him each day. They are people, just like you, but remember that people have turned to their own ways for a long time!

Holding to limits provides security and stability for everyone in the family and both parents must be committed to the family plan.

I did not think too much about it the evening my daughter approached me just as I was ready to walk up on the platform to speak.

“Hey, Dad, can I have the keys to the car after the meeting? I want to take a carload of kids to the beach.”

“Okay,” I said, without thinking.

Then I went to the platform to make my speech about how important it is for a husband and wife to agree on and be committed to the limits they establish for their children. After I finished my speech, I went to a large foyer in the back of the auditorium where hundreds of people were milling around.

My daughter had a large group of her friends standing behind her when she came up to me and said, “Dad, I need the keys now.”

I could see that my wife was upset when she heard my daughter say this to me. In response to my daughter’s announcement that she was ready for the car keys, my wife said to her, “But I told you that you couldn’t go.”

Well, there were some people standing around who heard this exchange, and they started assembling another little congregation to see how the speaker would handle this.

You cannot think of everything, especially when you are traveling. You can expect your children to pick times like that to test the limits. But we had a limit at our house: The first parent you have asked about something gives the last and final answer. Because the limit was clear and consistently kept, my decision was easy. My answer would be easily determined by my daughter’s answer to one simple question: Who did you ask about this first–me or your mother?

It turned out she had asked her mother first.

So I said to my daughter, “You know the answer. You asked your mother first.”

Her response was, “But, Dad, you’re embarrassing me in front of all these people.”

Here she not only had willfully tried to disobey her mother by getting permission from me to do something her mother had already told her she could not do, but now was trying to manipulate me by trying to make me feel guilty about embarrassing her in front of all these people.

I stuck to my guns–much to the dismay of my daughter and the relief of my wife. Holding to limits like this one provided security and stability for all of us. I could look to the limit and easily know how to respond; my wife knew that I supported her decisions; and my daughter knew that she could rely on us to be consistent. In that moment, my daughter and wife saw that I was trustworthy.

There will be times when you will think a limit is quite sensible, but your children may think it inhibits their freedom too much. Remember, you are the leaders, not your children. Without a united front, children learn to play one parent against the other and what your child is learning at home will be expressed in his relationships outside the home.

Structure and boundaries are fundamental ways in which parents can express their love for their children. All limits should have the following characteristics:

• They should help a child know what is expected of him.
• They should be reachable, reasonable, and clearly understood.
• They must allow for some freedom of choice.
• There should be as few limits as possible.

We do our children a great favor if we help them understand there are consequences for their actions … good and bad.

Distraught parents often come to me because their children are suffering the consequences of not being adequately supervised. Of course, teenagers do not want to be supervised, but oftentimes dire consequences will be the result of parents adhering to their children’s complaints and demands for more personal freedom in areas where they are unable to cope with temptation. Setting consequences for a child’s choices and then making them happen is a crucial part of teaching children. They must learn the principles expressed in Galatians 6:7: “Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap.”

This was particularly evident when a set of parents came in with their pregnant daughter.

“I told her she was seeing too much of that boy,” wails the mother, “but she wouldn’t listen. She would say, ‘Mother, don’t you trust me?’ I wanted to trust her, and look what happened.”

What happened? The normal consequences of allowing a young couple too much unsupervised freedom is what happened.

“What can I do?” pleaded another mother. “For an hour or two a night my daughter and her boyfriend sit in his parked car out in front of our house. She tells me there is no reason for me to be concerned, and she refuses to come in.”

“’Why are you so suspicious, Mother?’ she says. ‘You don’t need to worry about us.’”

If you ask me, the parents should do something. There is a basis for concern. Her daughter surely is not reviewing Bible verses night after night for an hour or two out there. We all know what goes on in a parked car in the dark. How do you get the daughter out of the car?

One possibility comes to mind. If all else fails, you go outside, open the car door, reach in, and help her out of the car.

“Won’t that embarrass her?” Yes, it will. But this is a consequence of defying you.

“Won’t she be angry?” She will be furious. But that’s her problem, not yours.

“What if she does not come home and parks somewhere else?” Then do not allow her to go. You may also need to deal with the boy and/or his parents.

Give her the supervision she thinks she does not need! Remember, this is your beloved daughter. The excitement of physical closeness at her age is too tempting for her to handle. She needs your supervision and your help. The boy also needs your supervision and his parents’ help. Ignoring your parental responsibility at this time will be allowing behavior that your child knows is risky and degrading.

In their teenage years, your children need your guidance and help most. They may not appreciate it now, but they definitely will when they realize five years from now that their lives were not sidetracked by a mistake they would not have been able to undo. Always keep in mind that children lack wisdom and self-control, so when parents leave them unsupervised, the children will be prone to make foolish choices.

Life will always bring some tough breaks and some good ones. Either way, we must make the most out of the consequences. Our job as parents is to point our children in the right direction. To do that, we need to plan consequences that will help them along the way. Some people call them rewards … or punishment. The consequences we give them today will prepare them to make the right choices that will lead to the right consequences tomorrow. Everyone makes choices and either enjoys or suffers the consequences of those choices.

Lecturing our children about consequences they cannot understand is futile, but we can teach them about cause and effect on their own levels by associating short-term consequences with acceptable or unacceptable behaviors. For example, the child may be told: If you do not study, you cannot go out to play. Or, if you practice hard enough, you will have a much better chance at making the team. Whenever it is possible, have the consequences be directly related to your child’s actions. If you allow your teen to use the car, and he brings it back in good shape and on time, you can be lavish with your praise. If the car is a mess when you get it back, your child may have to wash and vacuum out the car. If he comes home late, use of the car may be suspended for however long you deem is necessary. This will teach him that his choices have consequences that are directly related to his behavior.

Proverbs 29:17 says, “Correct your son, and he will give you rest; yes, he will give delight to your soul.”

At times, parenting may feel like a mystery. Solving this mystery lies in responding to resistance, giving help, respecting each other, supervising activities, and setting and enforcing limits. You must have a plan and then throw all you have into following that plan … making sure the consequences for the child’s behavior are in place.

I once knew a couple that was having a real problem with their 13-year-old son. He was flunking in school, fighting with his teachers, sassing his parents, and fighting with kids in the neighborhood.

His parents tried everything. First, they ignored him. Then they praised him. Then they rewarded him. Then they reasoned with him, lectured him, and withheld privileges. Then they took his bike away, made him stay in the house, and eventually even spanked him (a 13-year-old!).

Nothing seemed to work. The parents kept after the boy–while they constantly showed real love and concern for the boy himself. They also prayed for patience and grace. This went on for six months and nothing seemed to change. Then, just as mysteriously as the behavior had begun, the boy began to change for the better.

In the past, the boy had been condemned and corrected by teachers, neighbors, and Sunday school teachers. Two years later, the same boy was a top student, on the soccer team, and praised and admired by his teachers, coaches, classmates, and neighbors.

This is a perfect picture of a dedicated, committed set of parents seeking to train a child in the way he should go. They realized it was 20-year process. Their concern was the process, not the immediate decisions and appearances of the moment. They had to relax, trust God, and act by faith.

Often when parents talk about their children who are in trouble, I ask them what they think they should have done differently. In nearly every case, if the parents had done what they thought they should have done, they would have done what I would have recommended.

Many parents do not have confidence in their own abilities. Rather than being paralyzed by fear and insecurity, they need to look to God’s Word as the sources and inspiration for their parenting. Then they need to trust their own instincts as they proceed with confident expectation of good results.

Remember, the primary goal is to train the children up in the way they should go. You have 20 years to mellow and mature. Pray that you will live your life in such a way that your children will grow up wanting to serve the GOD you serve. Parenthood requires an acceptance of the task, the desire to understand it, and the willingness to be as diligent in preparation and performance as the most accomplished artist, business person, or professional person.

Conflicts and problems will arise, but these can lead you to ever-higher levels of accomplishment as God demonstrates His power through the adversity. To identify problems and solve them is to find success. To cover them up or pretend they are not there is to experience defeat. Each parent must be ready and willing to fulfill his or her responsibility in any decision or task.

Guiding children implies a purpose and a goal. You need to know where you are going. You need to assume responsibility for influencing your children. Your influence for good, or for ill, will probably have more effect on the lives of your children than anything else they will encounter. You must work hard to make learning wholesome and effective for your children.

When you center your life and your household in God, you can have fun together as a family as your children grow up in the Lord Jesus Christ. Cherish your children and help them grow to be all God created them to be!

I want to remind you that raising children is a 20-year process. Twenty years. So those of you with preschool children need to remember that you have a ways to go! So relax, take it easy; there isn’t any one day that makes a whole lot of difference, not in the perspective of 20 years.

In Isaiah 53:6 we read, “All we like sheep have gone astray.” One could think of this verse as the theme for family life. If parents go ”astray,” the children will usually follow. It’s important to recognize the responsibility you have in raising your children.

One of the responsibilities we have as parents is to set limits. Setting limits involves both parents choosing carefully what is best for their children. Once you set those limits, make sure they hold. It’s important that your children realize that you have set boundaries for them, made them plain, and they can depend on you to carry them out. That gives them security.

First you must SET AND COMMUNICATE THE LIMITS to your children. Once you have done that, you can expect your children to test those limits. Be prepared, you will need some tools to enforce them.

The first tool is to HELP your children to live within the boundaries you have set up for them. For example, when your small child is in an ugly mood and creating a raucous in the T.V. room where she knows there is to be no horseplay, you deal with it simply by lifting her out and setting her down in the kitchen. That child just needed help in behaving herself. You’ve enforced the limit, and not allowed her in the T.V. room until she learns to behave herself.

Another tool is to provide SUPERVISION. Say you set a time for your children to be home when they go out at night. Make sure one of you is always there when they arrive. It takes supervision to keep track of your children.

An additional tool you may need to occasionally use is PRESSURE. You say to your child “It’s time to go to church.”

He or she responds, “I won’t go.”

Rather than threaten, spank, or holler at them, just link your arm firmly in theirs and march them to church. If they sneak out, go get them and sit right beside them.

Parenthood isn’t difficult. All it needs is agreement, deep convictions, your good example, and a loving spirit.

Take a step . . .

As you consider the process of having “boundaries” for your children, which aspect of the process do you need to focus on?

Setting and Communicating the Limits
Helping
Supervising
Using Pressure
Ask God to help you lovingly set the boundaries your children need. You may want to pray the following prayer:

Dear Lord, You can see my situation more clearly than anyone else and you know my children even better than I do. You have the power to intervene and help me to be the parent to my children that they need me to be. I need your wisdom, direction, strength, and love to empower me to parent my children in a way that will help them to grow into mature adults. Thank you Jesus, Amen.

The foundation upon which you’re going to build an effective family life is this: You expect your children to honor you. Now how does that happen? That happens when you and your partner sit down and develop guidelines, limits, and rules that both of you are prepared to carry out, and in your considered judgment, are in the best interests of your children.

Many of us, by the time we do our job, look at our recreational opportunities, and carry out our social opportunities, consequently find that we are too played out to spend quality time in the raising of our children. Let me say to you that if you want to give your children a sense of sure footedness, then you ought to accept the task of deciding what’s best for them.  You are the one who has the experience to realistically decide what is best. There isn’t anybody in the world better qualified to decide what’s best for children than their parents, provided you’ve paid attention to what your children need.

Children without boundaries will become frustrated and live with a sense of insecurity because they are left to chart their own course. According to Proverbs 22:6, parents are to “train up a child in the way he should go.” Where a child goes and what a child does should be your decision, not theirs. You know what is best for them. They may buck you, but stand firm. Remember, it is not your responsibility to keep them happy, but to guide them in their behavior.

Agreement and unity are the foundation upon which you’re going to build an effective family life. You’re not concerned about whether your children like it. The important thing is that the two people in the world most qualified to make that decision are agreed that what you have decided is best for your children, because you both have the best interests of your children at heart.

Once you’ve decided what the plan is going to be, then the two of you can work together the rest of the time seeing to it that it’s carried out. You’ll make changes along the way, reviewing the day or the week and reviewing the rules. It may seem a big undertaking, but there’s nothing that will give you more satisfaction than you both charting the course for your family together.

Take a step . . .

Take a few moments to evaluate the way you discipline your children. Are you and your spouse on the same page? What can you do to approach the discipline of your children in the same way? What is one step you need to take to begin to guide your children in a more deliberate way? Ask God to help you take that step.

How seriously do you take your responsibilities as a parent? Do you believe in setting limits and boundaries? Many people these days are saying, “Don’t pressure your child. If they don’t want to do it, don’t force them.”

The Bible has this to say about that kind of thinking: “The child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame” (Proverbs 29:15). The crime rate among our children is rising, and parents need to be more in tune with their God given role regarding their children.

You and your partner are a team, and as such need to mutually design a playing field for your children that consists of reasonable rules and boundaries that will give them direction. These give you as parents a framework for guidance and training, and set the stage for good supervision. It is wise to take into consideration your children’s interests and needs. But make sure you are the one that calls the shots as to what the rules are going to be, not your children.

Put your requests to them in the form of an affirmative directive, rather than as a question. Not: “Would you like to go to bed?” but instead saying, “It’s time for bed.” That’s ”train[ing] up a child in the way that he should go” (Proverbs 22:6). When you ask a question you’re giving your child the freedom to ignore what you want them to do or to even say “No” to what needs to be done. When that happens, and you don’t do anything about it, you’re teaching them non-compliance.

As loving and responsible parents, it is your responsibility to teach your children to comply with the reasonable limits you have set for them, keeping in mind you have set these rules and limits for them in their best interests. When you request that your children do something in a certain way, make your request with confident expectation that they are going to do what you are asking them to do.

Sometimes your children will need help in obeying your rules. For instance, the quickest way to help your child get into the house, if he refuses to obey, is to pick him up, or gently lead him into the house. You are helping him to comply.

Teaching your children to comply with reasonable limits is one of the best things you can do for them in terms of what they’ll need to do when they are adults, having to comply with the expectations of an employer or group they are in. They won’t always have people in authority who are nice to them, but they will learn to do what they are asked to do because they have been asked to do it, not because people are nice to them.

Having the ability to comply with reasonable limits is a wonderful gift you can give your children.

Take a step . . .

Memorize the following verses:

“Train up a child in the way he should go” (Proverbs 22:6).

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths” (Proverbs 3:5-6).

“But Mommy, I don’t want to.” Or maybe, it’s “No, Daddy, I won’t.” Sound familiar? These responses are the “cries of resistance” to major principles parents need to set down concerning their families. These principles are called limits.

When you think about living and working together as a family, setting limits is vital. Children need limits – limits that are fair, reasonable, and as few as possible. The limits of your family need to be clearly communicated and enforced.

It may sound complex. But the only really complex part of living with limits in your family is for you and your partner to agree on what the limits are going to be, realizing and accepting that when you set down limits, you’ll experience resistance.

Your child may cry, beg, or even yell, thinking if they do it long enough, you’ll give in. That’s normal. It’s just human nature to want to do things your own way, and you can see that tendency full blown and very obvious in little children.

The Bible tells us that “All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way” (Isaiah 53:6 KJV).

How do you handle it when your child resists your limits? You don’t lecture them, or raise your voice to them, or give in to them. Help them, without doing the job for them. Be persistent, consistent, and firm, but be gentle.

Trying to get them to want to keep your limits isn’t your job, even though many modern psychologists say it is. And it isn’t your job to help them decide what limits they want to keep, or to explain to them why you want them to do what you ask. It is your job to decide what, in your considered judgment, is in the best interest of your children, and what are the reasonable limits that have to be carried out.

Keep in mind your responsibility isn’t to keep your children happy. Your primary task is to “Train up a child in the way he should go” (Proverbs 22:6 KJV). The training of our children involves reasonable, firm boundaries set down in love. Loving limits give children a sense of security.

Children need good humored parents who are on the same page and who love their children and believe in them enough to give them whatever help they need to do what is best for them. That’s security, and that’s follow through.

Take a step . . .

Ask yourself, ”Are my children experiencing fair and reasonable limits?” What changes need to occur within your family? Ask God to help you set practical limits for your children that will help them to be all that God has created them to be.

If your marriage partner is more intimately involved in your life than anyone else, your children run a close second. You will either reveal or conceal your spirit around your children.

With your children in mind, consider this Bible verse: “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor; not lagging behind in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord” (Romans 12:10-11).

The demands of a child will keep you constantly aware of your spirit, your diligence, and your sincerity.

Guiding children is a long, hard, demanding responsibility. But so is any rewarding job. Expending the energy to interact with one another is part of living. Parenthood is a 20-year-long haul, and it becomes the most demanding when children are in their late teens.

Guiding children requires that parents set limits for their children, which notably demands not only working together to set limits, but also to administer them. Thus, parenthood is a continuous, ongoing test of the marriage partnership. Not only must limits be set, but as children grow older, they need to be adjusted. All of this requires good will and cooperation between parents.

Interacting with people is tiring. There are good days and there are bad days. One day you have happy children. Another day it seems they are grumpy all day long.

Some days all goes smoothly. No one is stepping over the limits or challenging the calls. Other days you are called upon to make some debatable decisions. Guiding children isn’t something that interferes with your life–it’s part of life. Half the battle in parenthood is accepting the task and the never-ending surprises and frustrations that keep coming up.

Setting limits and dealing with the inevitable resistance from the children to some of the limits is a real test of the marriage. There is either cooperation or competition over setting the limits and how to supervise them. You are doing or requiring something you believe is worthwhile and in the best interests of your child. If you hold on to that conviction, you will have enough conviction to see it through.

If parents are competitors rather than partners, they will likely have two sets of limits–one set when mother is home alone, another set when father is home alone.

The result? Bedlam. The children will begin to play one parent against the other. Or it can result in the withdrawal of one of the parents from the discipline process.

You will either enjoy the job of parenting or it will irritate you. You either cooperate with your partner or you compete. You either diligently rise to the demands of the job, or you neglect it.

You build your own self-respect or self-love as you cooperate with your partner in setting limits and administering them…as you remain loyal, cooperative, submissive, and committed to do all in your power to guide your children into becoming wholesome, happy, contributing adults.

What do you think is involved in being an effective parent?

The Bible tells us in Proverbs 22:6 to “Train up a child in the way he should go; and when he is old, he will not depart from it” (KJV).

Now that’s a tall order, and a great responsibility, and there are some positive ingredients that make that possible.

Your expectations as a parent for your child have a definite influence on your child’s behavior. For example, two different people can try feeding a child. One will succeed, the other will fail. Why? The one expected to succeed. The other expected to fail.

The first one had what was called confident expectation. If you’re doing something that’s worthwhile, whether it’s feeding your child or anything else necessary in parenthood, if you feel it’s worthwhile and in the best interest of your child, you ought to have enough conviction to carry it through. That involves confident expectation.

Your child may not want or like what you’re trying to do and may resist you in different ways. But don’t take your cue from your child, letting him control the situation. With love and gentleness, but with firmness, persist with confident expectation and you will gain the victory.

Dr. Ethel Wethering, a professor at Cornell University, once talked about 4 building blocks that help in raising children.

1. Attitude of Approval

A child’s attitude has a lot to do with the attitude of the parent. Choose to have a spirit of approval, so your child sees “I like you, even when you are bucking me.”

2. Help

When you have an expectation of your child, figure out how to help make it happen.

3. Respect

Be patient with your child and take time to understand what the child can and can’t do. Respect their abilities.

4. Affection and Tenderness

This building block can cement your relationship with your child. Show your love for your children. Hug them, tell them you love him. That will help you jump over a lot of hurdles and heal a lot of hurts.

The most important part of parenthood involves your character. Much of what you teach your children will be caught, not actually taught. You are shaping your child’s character by your example. Unfortunately, few parents realize how important it is to be good role models of the attitudes, speech and actions they desire to see reproduced in their children.

So, pay attention to the kind of person you are, and how you relate to your spouse. You are making an impression. Ask God for wisdom and direction as to what changes you need to make in order to be a more approving, helping, respecting, affectionate parent. Be your best and your children will benefit all the more.

Jon was 14, a handsome, tough young man. A likable guy, he noticed the pictures on the wall of my office and asked what it took to graduate from the college I’d attended. Someday he wanted to be a professional man, he said. I found out that he liked sports, reading, and church, and had lots of friends.

But when it came to talking about his folks, his eyes became slits, his lips pressed into a line, and his voice raised a couple of levels as he shrilled, “I hate them!”’

Jon’s parents had visited me earlier. They were concerned because there was constant friction between them and Jon. When he cleaned his room, he never did a thorough job. If they asked him to cut the grass, it would take four days. The previous Sunday, he had refused to wear his best pants to church, and instead he wore jeans.

Jon’s insubordination made his parents furious, they admitted. Jon got furious in return, and usually he wouldn’t do what he was told until they threatened to punish him.

“Why do you hate your folks?”’ I asked Jon.

He seemed to know the reason very well.

“’They want me to jump whenever they say. If I go out and come in five minutes late, one of them is waiting with an angry sermon. I’m not supposed to fight with my brother, but they fight with each other. Dad works late a lot and never lets Mom know. She gets mad and we eat without him.

“’Dad throws his clothes around, and Mom picks up after him, but she makes me hang up my clothes. The back door needed the handle fixed all summer, and Dad hasn’t fixed it yet. But I’m supposed to do everything right now. My mom will sometimes tell me I can go out, and Dad comes home and tells me I can’t.”

If Jon’s story was true, it was a picture of each one in the family for himself. Mom wanted her way, Dad his, and Jon his. Jon got jumped on constantly for following the same pattern as his folks followed.

When I told Jon’s parents about his explanation of the home situation, they were furious and embarrassed. Eventually, they came around to recognizing it as the truth.

What was needed in this family is described beautifully in Colossians 3:13, “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

Jon’s folks began to see their problem as a family civil war–with each side wanting to win. The parents proceeded, repentantly, to straighten out the disagreements between themselves, asking God to give them a loving spirit toward each other. They are on the road to a solution, but Jon may be as bad off as ever.

“I’ll change if they do,” he says stubbornly. He still needs to apply Colossians 3:13 to his own life. And his hate is a sin before God. With God’s standard and his parents’ good example before him, Jon has no excuse whatsoever; but he needs to make the decision himself.

[Dr. Henry Brandt shares insights from various counseling sessions with parents. The names and certain details in these true case histories have been changed to protect each person’s identity and privacy.]

Sisters Kendra and Connie Evans were much alike, except that Kendra was an “ugly duckling” in comparison with her blonde, blue-eyed, younger sister. The difference had been repeatedly noted even in childhood.

”What a perfectly beautiful child!” strangers had exclaimed over Connie. And through the years, Mrs. Evans never tired of hearing this praise for her younger daughter.

”Connie is a pretty child,” she would reply. ”It’s just too bad that her sister couldn’t have shared her good fortune.” Kendra was just as intelligent as Connie, but Connie brought home nearly perfect report cards. In junior high school and in the church youth group she was elected an officer year after year. In high school, she became homecoming queen.

At 16, Kendra suddenly became the center of attention–when she became a serious problem.

“Why don’t you get out and make friends?” her annoyed mother asked. “If you’d only show a little of Connie’s gumption …”

Teachers asked why a girl as capable as Kendra failed to show more initiative “like her sister.”

The comparisons burned Kendra. Through tears of defeat she saw no use of trying when the competition was so strong. She gave up and withdrew into a shell.

Mrs. Evans showed great disgust. The more disgusted she became, the more angry and withdrawn Kendra became. Finally she was brought to me as ”a problem child.”

Probing, I discovered that the girls’ father had been too busy to enter into the family’s life and their upbringing had fallen to Mrs. Evans. In his rise in the business world, Mr. Evans had neglected even his wife. She in turn had tried to get satisfaction from two superior daughters, and while Connie had brought her recognition, Kendra had caused her distress and shame. Thus she was quick to praise one and criticize the other.

Mrs. Evans was able to see and admit her error. She needed to see her daughters’ needs, not use her daughters to meet her own needs. Would Kendra accept the truth that God’s commendation, not humans’, is important, as is stated in 2 Corinthians 10:18 “For it is not the one who commends himself who is approved, but the one whom the Lord commends”?

Kendra came to see her own responsibility and came out of her self-exile. Daughter and parent got on with new understanding. Though Kendra didn’t have the beauty of her sister, her spirit became lustrous, and there was no keeping it from showing through to the outside.

[Dr. Henry Brandt shares insights from various counseling sessions with parents. The names and certain details in these true case histories have been changed to protect each person’s identity and privacy.]