Apicontent

“… present yourselves to God …” (Romans 6:13).

Sometimes it seems as though a long-lasting marriage is determined by chance or circumstances or just plain old luck. However, there are some steps that will enable you to establish your marriage on a solid foundation that will help you stay in it for the long haul. Taking this series of steps will bring your life into continuous subjection to the will of God. If you do not know Jesus Christ as your Savior, consider seeking someone out today who can show you how to know Him personally. Then follow these steps (and repeat as necessary!):

1. Evaluate your behavior

2. Accept your condition

3. Receive forgiveness from God

4. Surrender to the power of God

Evaluate Your Behavior

Before you can solve a problem, you must first find out what the problem is. We live in an orderly world. It operates according to definite, dependable laws. For example, we take care to make allowance for the law of gravity. A dear, elderly gentleman put up a ladder to do some work on his roof, but he placed it so that it was crooked. When he climbed up the ladder, it began to slide. He fell and broke his hip. Here was a man, a devout Christian, who was careless about observing the law of gravity. He fell just as the worst criminal would have fallen if he had gone up the ladder.

People take the laws of friction into account. A student took a curve in the road too fast on an icy day. His car went end over end, and he came out of the wreckage with a battered head. He had ignored the laws of friction. He did not do this intentionally. He was not deliberately reckless. Yet the same thing happened to him as would have happened to the most reckless of drivers.

All of us know the importance of abiding by the laws of gravity and friction. These laws have been gathered and catalogued in books. As we study them, we learn what to expect if we abide by them and what to expect if we violate them.

The laws of human behavior are likewise gathered together in a Book–the Bible. To understand why people behave as they do and to understand why you behave as you do, you must understand the laws contained in the Bible. Paul wrote in 1 Timothy 3:16-17, “All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work.”

The cause of inner unrest, conflict between people, and separation from God is because people live in violation of the laws found in the Bible. Isaiah 59:1-2 says, “Behold, the Lord’s hand is not shortened, that it cannot save; nor His ear heavy, that it cannot hear. But your iniquities have separated you from your God; and your sins have hidden His face from you, so that He will not hear.” Deliberately or in ignorance, we reap the results of violating God’s laws, just as we reap the results of friction or gravity.

To understand the cause of inner unrest, conflict with people, and separation from God is to understand the effect of sin. To understand God’s solution is to understand the preventatives that keep us from sinning.

Paul wrote in the New Testament, “Indeed, I do not understand what I do, for I do not practice what I want to do, but I am always doing what I hate. But if I am always doing what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is right. Now really it is not I that am doing these things; but it is sin which has its home within me. For I know that nothing good has its home in me; that is, in my lower self; I have the will but not the power to do what is right. Indeed, I do not do the good things that I want to do. But if I do the things that I do not want to do, it is really not I that am doing these things, but it is sin which has its home within me. So I find this law: When I want to do right, the wrong is always in my way. For in accordance with my better inner nature I approve God’s law, but I see another power operating my lower nature in conflict with the power operated by my reason, which makes me a prisoner to the power of sin which is operating in my lower nature.” (Romans 7:15-23)

To illustrate, a student tells of his experience. Night after night, before he retired, he determined that he would go through the next day with a wholesome, positive reaction toward circumstances and people. One morning, he was particularly determined to have a good day. He left his room, raced for the elevator, and just as he got there the door closed. He was forced to wait a few minutes. When he did get on the elevator, another passenger accidentally stepped on his foot. He walked away very aware that he was annoyed at both incidents in spite of his determination to react in a wholesome, kindly way toward all such happenings.

A mother of two preschool children tells of her struggle with her attitude toward her children. Two specific tasks that faced her daily caused her much annoyance. She hated herself for it, but no amount of determination, willpower, or good intentions could give her control over her annoyance at feeding picky children or dealing with their fusses. Granted, these are trying tasks, but the point here is that this woman was unable to achieve the desired attitude toward these tasks.

All of us, sooner or later, find ourselves doing, saying, feeling, or thinking in a way that is distasteful to us. And all of us, sooner or later, find ourselves not doing, saying, feeling, or thinking as we would like. All of these behaviors–or lack of them–are sin. And often these behaviors come from within us and feel as though they are beyond our control. To recognize and accept this fact is the first step toward a solution to the problem.

Most often we are angry when we are responding to the actions or attitudes of others. Anger, bitterness, wrath, pride, and hate are reactions to circumstances. These reactions may be invisible and can often be concealed to those around us, but not to God. We tend to overemphasize the value and importance of outward behavior and to minimize–or fail to realize–the importance given in the Bible to inward behavior.

In Galatians, Paul tells us, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law.”

Again, these are inward, invisible qualities. You can act this way in your own strength, at least part of the time; but you can’t genuinely be this way without the power of the indwelling Holy Spirit. If you doubt it, just pay attention to your inner responses to people or circumstances for one week.

Accept Your Condition

It is easy and common to find a reason outside of yourself that keeps you from loving your neighbor as yourself. It seems reasonable that missing an elevator, getting a toe stepped on, feeding picky children and dealing with their fusses, associating with people who have undesirable habits, or living with an uncooperative wife or husband are justifiable reasons for being unhappy. Under such circumstances anger, wrath, malice, bitterness, and resentment seem normal.

This reasoning seems to be sound. However, the Bible calls such reactions sinful. In other words, these circumstances are not putting these reactions into you; they are bringing these reactions out of you.

Jesus said, “Are you also still without understanding? Do you not yet understand that whatever enters the mouth goes into the stomach and is eliminated? But those things which proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and they defile a man. For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies.” (Matthew 15:16-19)

Many people find this to be a shocking idea. It seems clear that the circumstances or the other person is the cause of their distress. It is hard to accept that their distress is a response to the circumstance or person.

The answer is that you can find peace and contentment without changing your circumstances or the people in your life. To do so involves recognizing that the situation you are in is not causing your distress. You must accept or acknowledge personal responsibility for your distress, for your sin.

You need a power outside yourself if you are to respond differently the next time you find yourself in a trying circumstance. You must accept personal responsibility without reservation. Dependence and faith in willpower, resolutions, insight, and/or determination are not the answer. A lingering thought that another person must be at least a little bit to blame is not the answer.

Many people prefer to find a reason for justifying anger, wrath, malice, envy, and similar emotions rather than finding freedom from them. They seek to change the circumstance or the person rather than to search for a source of peace, joy and comfort in the circumstance or with the person.

For example, consider a young man who had habits that his mother believed were bad. The mother kept insisting that her misery was caused by her son’s behavior. Accordingly, this mother felt quite clear in her own mind that the solution to her problem was to see a change in her son. Further, this woman believed that, being a Christian, she should not be agreeable toward her son lest she seem to be giving her blessing on his unacceptable habits. She was being a good Christian, she thought, by being angry and impatient with her son. The son, in turn, felt quite justified in being bitter, rebellious, hostile, and stubborn. He would not give in if it killed him. If there was a source of strength that would enable him to have a spirit of love, tenderness, gentleness, and compassion toward his mother, he would turn away from it. He insisted that his mother was the cause of these reactions.

The woman who had the task of teaching two small children how to eat right and how to stop fussing preferred to be annoyed. According to her, you should be annoyed at such a job. There is nothing wrong with being impatient with such a task. It is quite normal to be disgusted, tense, and dissatisfied at the end of the day. The children are the cause of these reactions. In her opinion, being a Christian has no bearing on the matter.

Many Christians find comfort in speaking of nerves, tension, anxiety, or stress–any term but sin. Many Christians feel that they have long ago settled the matter of living in sin. They are saved. They are sanctified.

But remember our definition of sin! “Whoever commits sin also commits lawlessness” (1 John 3:4).

If it applies, then it applies. It matters not who you are, how much responsibility you have, what your status is, or who your family is. You may have been trained to believe that to grin and bear it, even though you are seething inside, is evidence of piety; to speak in a well-modulated voice, even though you feel like screaming, is a mark of culture; to perform the task assigned, even though you rebel inwardly, is evidence of determination. Such behavior is surely to be expected from a social standpoint. However, from a personal standpoint, you benefit nothing. Your inward reaction is evidence of sinfulness.

You have seen that acceptance of your condition implies accepting personal responsibility without reservation. If you feel that you can and will conquer your circumstances, then you are not yet ready to accept the tendency to sin. It is best for you to try yourself. Expose yourself to your circumstances and pay attention to your inner reactions and your outward actions. Acceptance means that you are convinced beyond the shadow of a doubt that you are subject to your tendency to sin and that this causes you to react the way you do not want to react–and prevents you from reacting in a way that you would like to react. This applies to thoughts, feelings, desires, actions, or speech. These must be identified in detail and dealt with separately. Acceptance or acknowledgment of the presence of sin in your life opens the way for you to avail yourself of a better way of life as defined by Paul: “For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made me free from the law of sin and death” (Romans 8:2).

Receive Forgiveness from God

Christ died to make forgiveness available to us: “In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace” (Ephesians 1:7).

You may have noticed that acceptance of your tendency to sin is often a difficult step to take. Seeking forgiveness is an even more difficult step to take. To ask for forgiveness implies repentance and a willingness to forsake sins. Isaiah 55:7 teaches, “Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts; Let him return to the LORD, And He will have mercy on him; And to our God, For He will abundantly pardon.”

Many people insist that a period of depression, self-condemnation, sadness, remorse, or weeping is evidence of repentance. In Quebec, one can see people climb five hundred cathedral steps on their knees in evidence of repentance. In India, a man may be lying on a bed of spikes. It is true that conviction of sin causes some people to react emotionally or to show evidence of repentance. However, true repentance is not found in the emotion or the action. It is, rather, being truly sorry enough for sin to hate and forsake it. Repentance involves following God’s plan and believing His Word.

1 John 1:9 says “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

The simplicity of receiving forgiveness is hard to accept. Nothing is required of you apart from acceptance of your sinfulness and of God’s forgiveness on His terms, not yours. This must be done from the heart. There is no other way. You must be completely sincere. You will not find forgiveness until you are convinced that you need it.

Yes, acceptance of your tendency to sin, confession of specific sins, and seeking forgiveness are contrary to our normal way of doing things. But the next step–surrender to the power of God–is the hardest of all to accept.

Surrender To the Power of God

At first glance, it would seem that to submit to the strength and power of God is something that everyone would gladly do. However, many people find this the hardest step of all to take. As Paul expresses it, “Our sufficiency is from God” (2 Corinthians 3:5).

Our human nature tends to rebel against accepting any kind of weakness or insufficiency. Even if you acknowledge the failures of your past, you may be unwilling to acknowledge your inability to please God in the future. We all tend to feel that since we understand the reason for our past failures, we can now do better. We tend to seek the answer to our sinfulness in two ways: to repent for past sins and to retain confidence in ourselves not to repeat past sins. We tend to retain our faith in our own self-discipline, willpower, training, and self-sacrifice.

To surrender to God means we must commit ourselves to a lifetime study of His will for every detail of our lives. It means recognizing our inability to do His will apart from His power and our need to submit to Him daily for His power.

Colossians 1:10-11 teaches us, “…that you may walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing Him, being fruitful in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; strengthened with all might, according to His glorious power, for all patience and longsuffering with joy.”

To surrender to God involves a clear, definite yielding of one’s self completely to God, followed by day-by-day experience of that surrender. Note Paul’s words: “And do not present your members as instruments of unrighteousness to sin, but present yourselves to God as being alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God” (Romans 6:13).

This is a matter of the will. Ephesians 5:18 instructs us to “Be filled with the Spirit.” Here is the secret of God’s power–the Holy Spirit expressing Himself through us! He works in us only as we let Him.

A young woman was married to a man who refused to give her spending money. This disturbed her to the extent that she was always feeling sorry for herself and was angry with her husband. She went to an older woman in the church who was known to be a calm, peaceful soul. The older woman said to the younger one: “Let me tell you my story. My husband keeps all the money. He seldom pays any attention to my opinion. Now that the children are married, he gives most of his time to them and has no room for me in his life. This has gone on for thirty years. It will probably go on as long as I live. All these years I have prayed daily for patience and every day God answers my prayer.”

This man’s behavior is totally selfish and another whole topic of discussion. But the point here is that his wife surrendered her unhappiness and frustration to God and found daily grace and strength to continue to love him. To surrender to God is to bring each circumstance of life to Him and receive from Him the strength to face it by His Spirit. It is one thing to make a broad, thoughtless statement that you will submit to God and another thing to surrender each detail of life to Him.

When you are impatient, you lack patience; when you are unhappy, you lack joy; when you are tense and anxious, you lack peace. You must continuously go to the source of supply. Comfort, mercy, grace, peace, joy, patience, and longsuffering with joyfulness will be yours only when you recognize that you lack them and when you let God give them to you.

The secret of getting along in marriage lies in two people applying the principle embodied in this verse from the Bible: “And just as you want men to do to you, you also do to them likewise” (Luke 6:31).

This is a workable formula! And amazingly, it is easier to carry out than to trying to figure out the other person.

Scott and Ann found this out. Like most people you know, each longed to be appreciated and have their viewpoint respected. They discovered that the rule Jesus gave is just as effective today as when He spoke it.

Scott sought counsel because he was puzzled over his unhappy marriage. He and Ann, his wife, never exchanged harsh words. He kept his complaints against her to himself. He had looked at her personality and her idiosyncrasies from all angles and tried to do what would bring a balance between them. They never argued. But with all their efforts at adjustment, there was little happiness. Their approach did not work because they simply could not figure each other out. To do unto others as you would have them do to you is the opposite of trying to figure each other out.

What is it that you would like others to do unto you?

• adjust to your likes and dislikes
• express appreciation for favors done
• praise you for your achievements
• forgive you for your failures
• pay attention when you talk
• not hold you accountable for your behavior
• let you set your own rules
• provide money to spend as you wish
• tell you the truth
• maintain a neat house

Such a list requires some serious self-examination. Perhaps you should eliminate some of them or add some others. As you put your desires into practice, you will discover some of them are not really in your best interest. Your list will keep changing. When you have completed your list, then do just that toward others.

When Scott and Ann proceeded on the basis of doing to the other what each wanted done to themselves, their frustrations disappeared and they found a happy life together.

Try it! Such an attitude puts a high premium on communication. Communication means to overcome the desire to conceal feelings and thoughts and rise to the level of talking about money, fears, wishes, motivations, sexual feelings and responses, mistakes made, resentments, and misunderstandings with the intent to resolve them.

It is important to note that communication involves more than verbal declarations. There is a wife who has very little to say. It is her tender glance that speaks of her love. To cook the meals as her husband likes them is her way of expressing her devotion. Her husband recognizes these acts as her way of communicating. To seek to understand the meaning of each other’s words and deeds and to accept them for what they mean is to be truly united.

Such communication is fundamental to a good marriage. What do you appreciate about your partner? Be sure that you know. Then let your partner know. What can you do for each other? Whatever it is, do it heartily, as unto the Lord.

Jerry is a fellow who makes such an effort. He married Alice fifteen years ago. Just as in courtship days, he still expresses continuously his appreciation of her cooking, the way she dresses and combs her hair, her manner with the children, her spirit of sacrifice in her church work, and her graciousness toward guests. She does not tire of hearing his praise. It is a pleasant part of life that contributes to maintaining good fellowship just as sleep, good air, and food sustain a healthy body.

These things are done day in and day out, not as a distasteful, boring, dull, meaningless chore, but as a pleasant, helpful routine eagerly looked forward to because they are pleasantly beneficial.

It is important to know that Jerry is expressing genuine appreciation. Knowing he is not just parroting empty, meaningless words, his wife insists that hearing praise is significant.

On the other hand, Jerry also must continuously remind his wife that she tends to neglect housekeeping, spends too much time over coffee which throws off the timing of meals, and leans toward extravagance. He does this most of the time in patience and long-suffering. How much patience and long-suffering? Fifteen years of it, so far.

Jerry is a kind man. He loves to be helpful to other people. Alice appreciates this about him and tells him so. She also keeps reminding him that she respects his faithfulness to his job and to his church, and his thriftiness and careful management of family finances.

On the other hand, she must keep after him because, in his zeal to serve others, he tends to neglect the children. He is careless, too, about shining his shoes and changing his shirt often enough. Alice reminds him most of the time in all patience and long-suffering. How much patience and long-suffering? Fifteen years of it, so far.

Why do these people not correct their ways permanently, you ask? It is a good question. I am not describing angels, but a couple who have their strengths and weaknesses and who need each other. By keeping the channels of communication open between them and with their relationship undergirded by deep love and a desire to please, each is a better person than he would be without the other. Yet there is the tendency for each to drift back into old ways.

You do not get very far seeking to conceal your negative reactions, making excuses, or seeking a scapegoat when differences arise. If the relationship is strained, you need to understand why and what can be done to improve it. When friction arises, it requires more than a description of the action that caused it. A careful sharing of how the act affected the quality of the relationship is necessary. The feelings, attitudes, and thoughts that the act aroused must be mutually understood. All this effort is useless without the intent to arrive at a mutually agreeable change.

The apostle Paul offered a beautiful definition of teamwork in writing to the Corinthians: “Now I plead with you, brethren, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you all speak the same thing, and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be perfectly joined together in the same mind and in the same judgment” (1 Corinthians 1:10).

Fellowship, which amounts to comfortable relationships, springs from mutual faith, viewpoints agreed on, and approved activities. Opposite these terms are such words as division, contention, strife, disagreement, and selfishness. Governments, churches, and families seek to eliminate such conditions from their midst. To be perfectly joined together in the same mind and in the same thought–is there a more wholesome endeavor to give yourself to? This is the challenge for the Christian family.

But in your effort to maintain congeniality in your family, one factor in human relations must be consciously and deliberately guarded against: We tend to grow apart.

Carl walked into my office and slumped into a chair, a dejected soul. He was a success financially. But after 22 years of marriage, he was ready to quit, thoroughly disgusted with his wife. He had given up hunting and fishing because she did not like him doing them. They had no social life because she did not like to go out. They never fought. They just did not talk, but the silence was driving him mad. He wanted to go out, but felt guilty if he did.

Rhea, his wife, shared his attitude. She was a very bitter woman and looked it.

“I can hardly stand the sight of him,” she said. “We have nothing to talk about. We used to visit his friends, but he did not like the way I talked to them. He did not say much, just gave me that withering look. So I quit talking. What is the use of just sitting? I quit going out. I do not like fishing and hunting. I do not care if he goes, but he thinks I do not want him to go, I guess. He has never asked me how I feel.”

These two people, intelligent, polished, and successful separately, were strangers to each other, isolated mentally and separated by an invisible, but real, barrier of resentment.

Now, however, they are rebuilding their relationship with communication. This has required a dismantling of the wall made out of bitterness and selfishness. They’ve instead built a bridge between them that has enabled them to define their difficulties and work them out by mutually agreeable solutions, rather than turning away from each other when signs of discord appear.

Each had been sure that to be honest with the other about feelings and opinions would blow the marriage sky high. Instead, each found that repentance before God and drawing on His love gave them the grace necessary to begin building a mutual life.

A happy marriage is not possible without communication that reveals, with reasonable certainty, how the other feels and thinks about a given action or situation. Conversing on any subject, airing any problem that might arise, and sharing with the other the private fears, worries, and desires is the bedrock of marriage. And it is not always verbal. Attitudes are expressed by a smile, a frown, or a shrug of the shoulders. We sense disapproval even though the spoken words are reassuring.

Communication ceases when the need to conceal becomes stronger than the desire for unity. There is the husband who will not speak of his financial worries, so he hides his insecurity behind what he calls a “manly” silence. The wife conceals her spur-of-the-moment purchase or keeps to herself the concern that her husband no longer finds her attractive. Slowly, couples who once were excellent companions learn to rope off areas of their lives and live in a kind of marital “no man’s land.” Conversation declines to “truce” subjects. How do you mend the broken lines of communication between husbands and wives and among members of a family?

Let us look just a little further at the elements that cause our communication to break down. There is the tendency to hide. Why is it that we try to protect ourselves from disapproval, that we hesitate to reveal our own selfish desires and tend to conceal our negative feelings? True, we have a strong desire for fellowship, but the human heart with its deceitfulness drives us apart, making our own way a stronger attraction than a mutual way.

Suppose you do communicate your true feelings, attitudes, and desires. Communication itself will not necessarily produce unity. The desire for unity must be present. You may clarify your desires to your partner in order to get your own way. Your objective is to advance your own selfish ends, not to achieve unity. As a husband, you may be firmly set against your wife’s idea. Communication, then, simply clarifies the issue. It does not provide a mutual solution. Undergirding this process of communication must be a firm foundation of love and unselfishness.

The time comes in a marriage when differences arise. The conversation, action, or attitude of your partner is not appreciated. Your partner will be grateful to know about this if the basic relationship between you is a healthy one. Paul wrote to the Romans, “Now I myself am confident concerning you, my brethren, that you also are full of goodness, filled with all knowledge, able also to admonish one another” (Romans 15:14).

Partners dedicated to building a united marriage can each assume that the other will appreciate an admonition and will be willing to consider revising his behavior in a way that is mutually acceptable. There is a great difference between peace and the kind of cold, brittle silence that develops when partners have unspoken, unrevealed differences between them. The “silent treatment” is a far cry from unity and peace. Take the initiative!

The Lord Jesus gave us the basis for maintaining good relations in Matthew 5:23-24: “Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.”

If your partner has anything against you, it is your move to be reconciled. It is inconceivable to think of quarreling and divisions as a part of the lives of a Christian couple. Christianity and quarreling do not go together. If you are conscious of doing something that is offensive to your partner, it is your responsibility to go to him or her and be reconciled.

Jesus gave us another guideline for maintaining unity between two people in Matthew 18:15-17: “Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’ And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.”

Here the shoe is on the other foot. Now, your partner is at fault. It is still your move. A Christian ought to be so desirous of achieving unity that, failing to find a basis of reconciliation alone, an attempt will be made to seek help from one or two others. Failing this, the Christian ought to turn to the church. This is going a long, long way to be reconciled.

There is a caution, however, stated by Paul in Galatians 6:1: “Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted.”

Who is it that is to go to a person taken in fault? You who are spiritual, a person who has the fruit of the Spirit–love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control (Galatians 5;22-23)–operating in your life. If you do not, you need to correct your response before you approach the other person. If you qualify, you need to rebuke the other person–that is, you need to point out the offensive or unacceptable behavior.

This principle also applies to the marriage relationship. Why must this be so? You may have the best intentions in approaching your partner about some fault. However, it is possible that your partner will be sensitive about it, resent your approach, try to argue, or say things that are not complimentary. If your response is in anger, then your good intentions result in your becoming embroiled in an argument. No progress has been made toward unity if you match malice with malice, satisfying the sinful nature yourself, if you are faced by a partner who is not in the best of spirits. It is the spiritual person who can take a tongue lashing in the right way. An individual with faults of his own should look after his own faults and not after those his partner may have. You must approach your partner while watching yourself, or you also may be tempted.

Suppose someone is repentant and still repeats undesirable behavior over and over. The Scripture says to rebuke and forgive.

Julie could bring herself to tears about a disagreement with her husband Steve and claim she was sorry about her sinful behavior toward her husband. But they both knew her tears were an expression of anger and frustration, not shame and true repentance. She was only adding deception to her list of sins.

Julie had to humble herself to the point of repenting of her unloving and judgmental attitudes. She was irritated at Steve’s moodiness and outbursts of anger and condemned him for it. She finally asked Steve and God for forgiveness. “I won’t give a meaningless apology. I hate this about myself, and I don’t want to be this way anymore.”

At the same time, I confronted Steve about his anger toward Julie. He did not much care for the idea that anger was a sin. “Doesn’t a man have a right to be mad when he is mistreated? Any man would be angry when his wife shows him disrespect,” he said. Anger was how he expressed himself. It was how he won arguments and how he kept Julie from running over him. Anger was a tool. Anger was power for him.

I asked Steve whether his tool of anger was working. “Are your arguments being resolved?” All Steve and Julie could do was look at each other with blank stares. They saw that, after five years of marriage, Steve was still angry and moody and Julie was still irritated and condemning. No, the tool of anger was not solving anything. Recurring arguments in the marriage always wound up being about the same thing.

Steve and Julie needed a better way and opted to try God’s way. But could they let go of their sin? Steve knew he had been out of line after an argument. He was even sorry and asked for forgiveness. But he was never cleansed of his sin. He had never let go.

Could it be true? Could disagreements be without anger? Could they end in a solution acceptable to both of them? In prayer, God convicted Steve of his anger. Soon he repented and found out that God’s forgiveness and cleansing are always available. When he feels anger and confesses it, God immediately provides forgiveness and cleansing.

Five years later, Steve and Julie report that they have had no more blow-ups. What a difference God has made through their repentance! They can make the constant adjustments marriage demands because they let God replace their sinful reactions with His fruitful responses. Julie is less apt to hide her irritation with Steve, which she describes as “walking on eggshells.” She is free to speak the truth in love. And when she does go her own way and condemns, God’s love in Steve covers it with a simple smile. If Steve’s heart is right with God, love spills out. If he has a fleshly response, Julie asks him how his spirit is. That is his cue to do a soul checkup. God’s way works so much better than our own!

When differences come, there is the tendency to leave your first love for God, to forsake prayer, and to turn to the sinful nature for a solution. To win your point becomes the important goal. The effort at reconciliation, carried out in the sinful nature, will result in failure to adjust to change. Partners may turn away from making an adjustment. Or they may try and fail.

When couples realize that an adjustment cannot be made, this is a red light. If neglected, this will destroy the marriage. It is at this point that the partners ought to turn to someone qualified to give counsel. Otherwise, they will attempt to evade or forget the area of conflict. They may try to insulate it by ignoring it. They may treat the conflict as a sensitive spot that they try not to touch. Conflicts or differences may not arise over such matters as extreme cruelty or immorality. They can be differences over such things as neatness, cleanliness, clothing, and friends. One young couple agreed to buy an expensive BMW, but disagreed violently over keeping candy or peanuts in a dish in the living room. This is not a happy marriage. Both husband and wife feel hostility that cannot be released.

Your marriage will become a happy, mutually satisfactory one if both of you set your sights on unity, ministering to each other and communicating with each other in the proper spirit. As Christians, you will find strength to do this as you pray and as you remember the exhortation: “And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32).

Are you and your spouse not getting along?

The foundation upon which you build your marriage relationship is a mutually agreeable and mutually binding plan. That’s what makes marriage successful. It’s not a “tingle”; it’s a lifetime commitment. It’s not competition; it’s cooperation.

Is your partnership built on this foundation? You can measure the strength of your marriage by Paul’s instructions in 1 Corinthians 1:10 where he says, “I beseech you brethren, by the Name of the Lord Jesus Christ, that ye all speak the same thing, and that there be no divisions among you; but that ye be perfectly joined together in the same mind and in the same judgment.”

Just as teammates have to go into a game with the same plan, you and your partner must approach your marriage, not with the attitude of “me vs. you,” but with the attitude of being fully committed to the same plan.

“That sounds good,” you say, “but what happens when something happens and I find myself confronted by a stalemate, me on one side and my partner on the other?”

If you’re preoccupied with your partner’s choices because you feel your serenity, your peace, your joy, and your love are determined by those choices, you will struggle in the midst of a stalemate. You will find yourself exhibiting a selfish, antagonistic, competitive spirit.

However, if you access the Spirit of God, letting Him fill your heart with love, no matter what your partner does, you will exude a loving spirit. Your attitude will be cooperative, instead of competitive, because you have accessed the love of God.

When you are faced with difficulties in your marriage, you’ll be able to submit yourself to God’s will, which, according to Ephesians 5:22-23 teaches, “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body” (KJV).

The husband’s relationship to his wife must be the same as Jesus’ relationship to the church. His first responsibility is the well being of his wife – to help her become the finest, loveliest, best woman she could possibly be. When a husband leads the partnership in this way, with both partners’ attitudes established by the Spirit of God, the marriage will be satisfying for both individuals and they will be content and happy in the marriage.

Take a step . . .

You don’t have to have issues that go on and on. Are you willing to come to grips with the fact that you need to eliminate your spirit of selfishness and approach your relationship in a spirit of cooperation? Confess to God your need for his leadership in your life. Find one opportunity today to express to your spouse your new desire to have an attitude of cooperation.

There is no one person as intimately involved in your life as your marriage partner. So, your partner will make you more conscious of your inner life than anyone else. How are you contributing to happiness in your marriage?

Attitude

With your partner in mind, consider these verses:

• But now you also, put them all aside: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and abusive speech from your mouth. Do not lie to one another, since you laid aside the old self with its evil practices, and have put on the new self who is being renewed to a true knowledge according to the image of the One who created him (Colossians 3:8-10).
• On the other hand, with your partner in mind, consider these verses: Put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against any one; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you (Colossians 3:12-13).
• …be subjected one another in the fear of Christ (Ephesians 5:21).

The will to cooperate is an important key to building self-respect. Cooperation implies that both husband and wife make the decision to dedicate time and effort in developing a mutually agreeable way of life.

Submission

No matter how committed you are to cooperate, it is inevitable that sooner or later you will become deadlocked over some decision. There is a way to settle a deadlock if you are committed to resolve the divisions between you.

Someone must have the last word. The Bible says:

Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord (Ephesians 5:22).

In the decision-making process, the wife should participate vigorously and forthrightly in the search for a mutually agreeable solution. The husband should think twice, or more, before going against his wife’s judgment. If the wife still disagrees with her husband’s tie-breaking decision, she should say so. The husband has two options when there is a deadlock: 1) Make the decision himself, or 2) Ask his wife to make it. Once done, both husband and wife submit to the decision and do all in their power to make it work.

Commitment

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her (Ephesians 5:25).

As I travel around the country, I am appalled at the number of individuals who are walking away from their marriages and calling it quits.

If a man approaches his responsibility to marriage as Christ did toward the church, then the man will be committed until death. He will submit to the responsibility for maintaining a wholesome relationship with his wife. There may be a period of time–perhaps years–when he has no choice but to stand by a totally rebellious, obnoxious, rejecting, or immoral woman, whose behavior is not worthy of his loyalty. His self-respect will remain intact if he retains the will to make it work, even though all his efforts are rejected.

Conversely, the behavior of many husbands can be totally obnoxious, mean, self-centered, even immoral. They may make no effort to be responsible husbands. They may totally reject any responsibility for the marriage. Yet, the will to stay committed will sustain a woman’s self-respect.

…you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior (1 Peter 3:1-2).

Sexual Responsibility

Sexual response dies when there are deadlocks and ill will between the partners. Accordingly, when you do not respond to each other, look elsewhere for the reason.

There is a specific directive in the Bible to guide you in managing your physical relations:

The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time that you may devote yourself to prayer, and come together again lest Satan tempt you because of your lack of self-control (1 Corinthians 7:4-5).

Clearly, your partner’s wish is your commandment. Obviously, the spirit here is one of mutual concern for each other.

Marriage, like no other human relationship, will keep you up to date on the condition of your inner life. It is a personal decision, unrelated to marriage, whether or not you repent of a negative inner life, and allow God to flood your soul with His Spirit.

You build your own self-respect or self-love as you remain loyal, cooperative, submissive, and committed unto death to do all in your power to make the marriage work.

Being married is hard work! When you got married you probably said something that resembled the traditional marriage vows:  “I will love you, and comfort you, and keep you in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, keep unto you as long as we both shall live. And I take you for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health; to love and cherish you until death do us part.” But, did you really realize what you were getting into?

You probably got married as friends, but then found yourselves running into difficulty because you each had your own way of living and doing. You came from one family, and your partner came from another family, and those families were different.

Your job as a couple is to create some boundaries and rules that will guide you in your marriage. But if you’ve never created any rules before, and you or your partner don’t like rules and boundaries, it won’t be an easy task.

One of the reasons this process is so difficult is outlined very clearly for us in Isaiah 53:6: “We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us have turned to his own way.” We’re all human, wanting to do it our “own way.” But the reality is one can’t have it their way and make mutually agreeable rules and guidelines. If your attitude is “my way is more important to me than the marriage,” you won’t be able to function as a married couple.

The good news is that your marriage doesn’t need to be a failure. If you find you have the problem of self-centeredness, talk to God about it, He can change your heart. Ezekiel 36:26 tells us, “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you.” There’s hope my friend, and it’s in God!

Take a step . . .
Take a few minutes to think about your marriage relationship: Why did you initially marry your spouse? What qualities does your marriage partner possess that you appreciate? In what ways do you want your “own way” in the relationship? Ask God to change your heart toward your spouse in whichever way you most need it – be open to His leading.

Are you experiencing difficulty in your marriage relationship? Are there times when you just can’t seem to get on the same page with your spouse?

People say in their marriage vows: “I will love you and comfort you and keep you in sickness and in health. Forsaking all others, keep unto you as long as we both shall live.  Take you for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish until death do us part.”

We dutifully tell each other that. But unless we bring the fruit of the Spirit into our marriage, these vows are impossible to keep.

If you get married with the idea that the person you’re marrying is going to transform your life – turn you into a loving kindly, gentle, cheerful, happy person – you’re mistaken. Marriage is first of all a matter of your spirit, and marriage will reveal what kind of spirit is in your heart.

Philippians 2:1 gives us some practical advice for marriage. “If then there is any encouragement in Christ, any consolation from love, any sharing in the Spirit, any compassion and sympathy ….” The interaction we have with our spouse comes from God, not from what’s happening around us.

Does this describe you? Is Christ living in you, helping you to love your spouse, or are you trying in your own strength to make the relationship work?

Verse 2 of the same chapter in Philippians tells us, “Make my joy complete: be of the same mind.” Many times we are unable to move on to verse 2 because of the condition of our own hearts. That may be why you are having trouble with your marriage.

The choices you make in your hours together will determine what kind of a relationship you are going to have with each other. The condition of your relationship will reveal the condition of your heart. According to Philippians 1:2 your goal in marriage is this: “Make my joy complete: be of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind.” You need to work at being of the same mind!

To do that Philippians 2:3 instructs you to “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit.” Selfish ambition – pretty strong words! Are you looking out for yourself or for your spouse?

For every two couples getting married, there’s one couple ending up in divorce court. Why? Because to have your own way is more important than the marriage. Being “like-minded” is a command of God, a basic fundamental requirement of any two people that have to work together. Being ‘like-minded” is tough – the circumstances of our lives are always changing, but the commitment to be “like-minded” can help you navigate the difficult places in your marriage.

Take a step . . .
Ask God to bring to your mind one way you can reach out to your spouse in an unselfish way. Then make yourself do that thing!

“Love, joy, and peace would be ours if only we could get off this island.” These were the words of a couple who found themselves in a frustrating situation.

You might identify with this couple’s statement because you’re feeling, “If I could only get out of the situation I’m in, that would do it for me. I could be happy. I could do the Lord’s work. I could love other people.”

But the truth of the matter is: God is with us in every situation, and He is with us right where we are! What we need to discover is how to respond appropriately to our current circumstances. You can either have a wonderful time underneath your skin, or a miserable time underneath your skin, and it’s all up to you. The question is: Do you want to experience true peace, or are you more content with being angry, with bearing a grudge, with complaining, with being cranky? The answer to that question requires some personal reflection!

Jesus has offered us a solution to responding to our difficult situations! In Matthew 11:28, He calls us to “Come unto me all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn of Me. I am gentle and humble in My heart, and you will find rest for your soul.”

“Come unto Me . . .” Not come with me to the golf course or the gym. Not come and engage with me in a class or some form of recreation. Not “just get busy” with me as we take on planning a party, or a trip or a church event. “Come unto Me!” True contentment and peace is found in HIM!

John 14:27 tells us, “Peace I leave with you. My peace I give unto you. Not as the world gives.” “Not as the world gives” is an important point. There are two kinds of peace: the world’s kind and the Lord’s kind. And it’s important to know the difference between the two. The world’s kind of peace offers exercise and all kinds of facilities where you can work off your tensions and find relaxation. To get your mind off yourself, there are books, radio, TV, and hobbies. And there are fun things to occupy your time, as well as all kinds of relaxation courses and exercises. All these “outlets” can keep you occupied for years, but they ultimately only offer the world’s peace.

The Lord’s kind of peace is a peace that gets into your soul. In John 16:33, Jesus says “These things have I spoken unto you that IN ME you should have peace. In the world you’ll have trouble, but I have overcome the world” [emphasis added]. Jesus is talking about an untroubled heart in a troubled world. Isn’t that what you’re looking for?

God is just waiting to give you that peace. He’s waiting for you to ask Him to give you that peace, to open up your life to Him. Allow Him to change you, and challenge you, and transform your inner reactions to life’s situations.

Read Matthew 11:28, John 14:27, and John 16:33.

Take a step . . .

Find a little time to evaluate your reactions to your current situations.

What is keeping you from experiencing God’s love, joy, and peace?

Are you willing to yield yourself to the Lord?

Are you willing to release the emotions to Him that are affecting your life in a negative way?

Do you truly desire His peace?

Ask God to fill you with His peace and to show you how you can change.

When the Dolans, a Christian couple, came to see me, they had not spoken to each other for several weeks. The tension had become unbearable.

The issue was over dancing in gym class. Hal Dolan had said flatly that their son should not participate.

Melissa Dolan had agreed in front of her husband, but privately gave their son permission to participate. Hal found out about it through a conversation with a neighbor who had visited the gym class.

That night at dinner Mr. Dolan asked his son Dave, “What do you do during gym class?”

”I study in the library” he lied. Then Mr. Dolan told them what he had heard. There was a bitter fight that night. Hal ordered Dave to obey him. Dave refused. His mother backed Dave.

Mr. Dolan threatened to leave and Melissa told him to go. His bluff was called. He didn’t leave, but they hadn’t spoken since.

It was impossible to talk to them together. One contradicted the other. After many sessions, it became clear that this incident was only the last straw. Across the years they had clashed over many issues.

The Dolans were competitors, opponents. I referred them to a Biblical principle: “I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought” (1 Corinthians 1:10).

This was inconceivable to them. Even though they went to church regularly they never really took the Bible seriously, and they seldom consulted it. Mr. Dolan perceived his role as head of the house to mean that he should give the orders without consulting his wife. To consider her opinion meant that he was weak. To her, it was important that she stick up for her rights, or she would lose her identity.

”What you are really saying,” I told them separately, “is that you must have your own way.” Both had the personal problem of selfishness. The issue over folk dancing only brought their problem to a head.

After many counseling sessions together, there was finally a confession to the Lord of selfishness and a plea to Him for help in getting on the same team. With a new spirit of oneness between them, the Dolans are now working out a mutually agreeable and satisfactory life together.

[Dr. Henry Brandt shares insights from various couples he counseled. The names and certain details in these true case histories have been changed to protect each person’s identity and privacy.]

Neither Frank nor Kate Bonner really wanted to break up their home, yet they were heading in that direction–fast!

After 23 years of marriage, Frank had become interested in a younger woman in his office. Kate said she could see why. Kate’s hair was gray, her hands showed the years of housework she had done, her face was lined with the wrinkles of middle age. She was tired much of the time and was subject to frequent and sudden illnesses.

Someone suggested that before they take the fateful step of filing for divorce they ought to seek professional counseling. They agreed, almost against their better judgment.

In the first meeting it was Frank, not the injured Kate, who was depressed. He confessed he had tried suicide once, not seriously, but his mind was running in that direction.

“Time after time I’ve asked Kate to forgive me for my one instance of unfaithfulness,” he said with a sigh. “But she won’t forgive.”

It was clear that she felt greatly offended. Yet not all love for Frank had perished. She wanted to continue their marriage, but did not think there was any way it could be done.

“Frank wants to quit his job in the mortgage firm where he’s worked for 20 years,” she said. “He claims he can start his own business.”

She would not accept the idea. She spoke of how her father had given up a good job to open a meat market, and how competition put him out of business. From then on the family had lived from hand to mouth. “Is this what I’m supposed to go through again?” she asked. “No thanks.”

Frank looked on her refusal to go along as her lack of trust in his ability. For this he almost hated her. “Any wife who loves her husband will give him a chance to prove himself,” he complained. “Kate won’t even give me the chance to prove I’m not cheating on her any more.”

The matter of hatred and being a Christian came up in the second counseling session, when Frank came alone. He stated that he was a born-again believer. “But I’ve been a pretty poor excuse for a Christian,” he said.

“That’s what you have been,” the counselor agreed. “But you don’t need to go on that way.” The counselor then opened the Bible to 1 John 1:9. “Read it,” he said.

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” Frank Bonner looked up, a half smile on his lips as he read. “That’s simple enough” he said.

Over the next week he came to understand God’s offer of forgiveness. He leveled with God that he had sinned against his wife and that much of their trouble stemmed from his negative attitude toward their marriage. He repented of his past wrongs, and experienced God’s cleansing.

During the next meeting he prayed for God’s grace to be the kind of Christian he ought to be, and that he might love his wife despite her feelings toward him.

Kate Bonner kept the appointment for a meeting separate from her husband’s. The counselor discovered she had come from a home in which the Bible and the church had never been given a hearing. She was reared with a “look out for yourself” philosophy. She had never forgiven her father for the way he treated her mother, or for his ill-conceived move that left the family nearly destitute. She spoke disparagingly of her mother for having a weak character. In fact, Kate never forgave anyone for failing to come up to what she expected of them.

“Why should I forgive Frank,” she asked, “after what he’s done to me?”

If their home was to continue, as she maintained that she wanted it to, the counselor advised that she would have to forgive Frank.

“I tell you,” she replied, “I can’t forgive him.”

The counselor then discussed the Old Testament account of the unfaithful wife of Hosea.

“What’s that got to do with me?” she demanded. “Frank was in the wrong, not me.”

“That’s true,” said the counselor. “Hosea’s wife was in the wrong, but Hosea forgave her.”  The counselor explained that the prophet’s account depicted an unfaithful nation, which God forgave and restored.

“But you said that happened centuries ago,” Kate said. “What’s that got to do with me?”

“In the Bible, God has included lessons that are relevant in the lives of people today,” the counselor answered. “If a holy God could forgive a disobedient nation of people, can’t we as individuals forgive those who mistreat us?”

This led to a discussion on God’s forgiveness—how God permitted Jesus Christ to bear the guilt of the world’s sin by dying on the cross. In that act of sacrifice, God forgave those who have failed to come up to the high standard that He expects all of us to keep.

“Mrs. Bonner, if you are going to benefit by God’s forgiveness, you must accept it,” the counselor said.

For the first time in her life, Kate felt that perhaps she was in need of forgiveness. She never had claimed to be perfect—but in failing to be perfect, wasn’t there an area in her own life that demanded forgiveness from the One of whose standards she had fallen short?

In the next session she admitted that she was a sinner in need of God’s forgiveness. Quietly, she bowed her head and received Jesus Christ as her Savior.

“Thank you for forgiving me,” she simply said to the Lord.

She then began to enumerate the persons against whom she had held grudges and whom she should forgive.

“There’s Frank of course,” she said as she wiped away a tear.

Although both her parents were dead, she committed to the Lord the harsh feelings she had always held toward them. She readily placed several others under her new broad umbrella of forgiveness.

After 23 years of rocky, turbulent marriage, the Bonners now had a new foundation on which to build a solid relationship—a foundation of love, understanding, and forgiveness.

It was in this spirit that they could, for the first time, sit down and discuss in a rational manner whether or not it was good for Frank to go into business for himself.

[Dr. Henry Brandt shares insights from various couples he counseled. The names and certain details in these true case histories have been changed to protect each person’s identity and privacy.]

Everything seemed in their favor when George and Ellie got married. He was a research chemist with a good income; they bought a nice house, were active in the church, and popular with their friends. But in a few weeks this young couple was in my office seeking help.

Their story went like this. George came home one night and was greeted as usual in the living room with a tender kiss. But as he held Ellie in his arms, his eyes wandered to a corner of the room and he saw hanging from the ceiling a long, wavy cobweb.

He said nothing about it that night, or the next, but both times while maintaining a pleasant appearance, he said to himself in disgust, “What kind of a woman did I marry that she can’t keep her house clean?”

On the third night he said precisely, “Honey, there’s a cobweb hanging from the ceiling.”

Her response was to kiss him and laugh. “Oh George, dear, I see you’re going to make a good housewife out of me.”

He was relieved. He had won his point and kept her smiling.

But inwardly Ellie was appalled. “How long have his eyes been prying that out of the ceiling?”

Some nights later, George, watching Ellie wash dishes, could keep his peace no longer. “Dear,” he said, “Do you know you’re washing dishes cross-handed?”

“Cross-handed?” she asked. “What’s that?”

George told her gently how she could save time and energy by switching her washing position with the draining position to avoid the long reach-over. Inwardly, George was fuming at the simpleness of a woman who had to be told something so obvious.

“Oh George, honey,” she said. “I never thought of that.”

However, within Ellie, resentment flared: “Now he tells me how to run my kitchen!”

A few weeks later, deeply disillusioned, the newlyweds came to me.

As we discussed their problems, George said accusingly, “Can’t a man believe what his wife tells him, especially when she’s kissing him?”

Ellie retorted, “Did he have to hide his criticism behind sweet words?”

The quiet manner and tender kisses had been a smoke screen. George and Ellie were doing the right things because they were expected, but they had little meaning. They were living by the letter of the law, which Paul says, in 2 Corinthians 3:6, is deadly: “He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant—not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.”

George came to see that his problem was not his wife’s housekeeping, but his attitude toward her. Ellie came to acknowledge that her problem was not a critical husband, but her unwillingness to accept criticism. Together they asked God to help them speak the truth, in love, according to Ephesians 4:15: “Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into Him who is the Head, that is, Christ…” in order to have a sound basis for working out their differences.

[Dr. Henry Brandt shares insights from various couples he counseled. The names and certain details in these true case histories have been changed to protect each person’s identity and privacy.]