Apicontent

Do you ever wish you could make someone do the right thing? Parents often watch their children make bad decisions and feel powerless to do anything about it. Unfortunately, many just give in and put a “band-aid” on a situation by giving money instead of time, ignoring a situation instead of disciplining, or trying to be their child’s friend instead of their parent. The best way to love your child is to care enough to correct them when they need it.

God, who is the perfect Father, gives us His thoughts on correction and discipline in the following verses:

The Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in (Proverbs 3:12).

Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul  (Proverbs 29:17).

The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother (Proverbs 29:15).

You can’t change your child’s heart, but you can correct their behavior. If you love your children, you need to do what is necessary to enforce righteousness. If you know your child is headed in the wrong direction, do something about it.

Don’t be afraid they will run away and you will lose them. If they are in rebellion, you have already lost them. Go after them and get them back. Don’t try to make your children happy; it’s God job to be their joy. Your home is a training ground and you should be the one doing the training. In too many homes the children are training their parents by having a good attitude if they get their way, and a bad attitude if they don’t. Correct your child with firm, loving discipline–not abuse.

Look to God for the fruit of the Spirit and find your peace and joy in him and not in your children. Then you will be a parent with power!

When you do this, you will teach your children to look to God to be the source of peace and joy in their lives. God wants the best for us and knows that sin hurts us. Keep your heart clean by confessing to God and being a righteous parent. Be a role model by confessing to your children. Ask for forgiveness when you “blow it” with them. It will open the doors of communication in your relationship and will teach them to confess to God and you later on. Never underestimate the power of God when someone wants to be restored and renewed. When God gets involved, it’s a real transformation!

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:9)

How seriously do you take the Bible? If you read something about parent-child relations in the Bible that contradicts something you read in another book, which teaching do you accept as truth?

One of the principles we read about in the Bible is this, “Honor your father and mother that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God hath given you (Exodus 20:12).” You know, a lot of us adults make it pretty hard for kids to do that. We need to make it easy for our children to honor us.

So here is another principle from the Bible found in Philippians 4:9, “Those things which you have both learned and received and heard and seen in me do.” Doesn’t that sound presumptuous or egotistical? But stop and think about that for a moment, we want to model for our children the behavior we want from them.

Now here’s an additional principle from Proverbs 22:6, “Train up a child in a way that he should go.” I can’t think of anything more comforting than a nice woman married to a nice man, and these two people are friends, and these two parents decide together what’s best for their children–two people working together to make sure that their children get the best guidance possible. That’s the opportunity and the challenge of parenthood–deciding what is best for your children.

When making decisions about your children’s care, you need to be convinced that what you are doing is in the best interest of your child. And if in your judgment it is in the best interest of your child, and you’re following biblical principles, you ought to follow through to see to it that it’s done. Now parenthood is just that simple.

Now don’t be alarmed if your children resist some of what you are convinced is best for them. They’ll naturally try using all the ingenuity and creativity they can muster to get their way. However, what your children want so fervently isn’t always what they need. So be firm, taking your stand in love. Don’t set a limit that you’re not prepared to enforce, because that will set a pattern of behavior for your children that will create havoc for them and for you. They’ll try breaking the limit again and again, and if they manage each time to get away with it, they’ll simply conclude that you don’t mean what you say.

Also regarding resistance, don’t be afraid to help your children. For example, if it is mealtime, and your small child refuses to come to the table, just pick him up, and gently, but firmly, plunk him into the chair at the table. You’re helping your child. He won’t like it, but he’ll realize you mean what you say.

If you will take the time to be guided by these biblical principles, twenty years later your children will call you blessed, and you’ll have shown yourself worthy of their honor.

Take a step . . .

Take a few minutes to answer these questions:

Do I let the Bible guide me in my parenting?
Do I model appropriate behavior for my children?
Have I conscientiously chosen guidelines and limitations for my children?
Do I “help” my children do what I ask of them?

Ask God to give you the wisdom and strength you need to be the strong and loving parent your children need.

Do you and your partner agree on how to raise your children? If not, you may think you are experiencing a marriage problem because you can’t get together on this important issue. This can feel like a pretty hopeless situation. Often times your children have learned how to pit you against each other. By the time they get into their teens, those kids will be able to do what they please, because they will have learned how to manage you, instead of you managing them.

Looking at your situation more closely, you will discover that this isn’t a marriage problem. It’s about a man who has a problem, and a woman who has a problem. Before you can dare hope to be able to manage your children properly, you need to take a good look at yourselves. Why? Because it takes a happy, relaxed man and woman to manage children.

The Bible gives some sound instruction on how to go about this. Ephesians 6:2-3 tells us to “Honor your father and your mother that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God hath given you.” To be worthy of honor means to behave in a certain way. Your relationship with your own mother and father is a very critical relationship to take a look at. If you have unresolved issues between you and your parents, it’s crucial that you straighten those out, because the processes involved with coming to terms with your parents are the same processes that are involved in dealing with your children.

Keep in mind that children are very observant. They’ll watch how you get along with your parents, and form thoughts and opinions that could cause problems both with you and with your parents. After all, your parents are the grandparents of your children. So things should be good, not only for your sake, but for your children’s as well. Do all you can to see that issues are resolved and that your relationship with your parents and your in-laws is a friendly one. That’s an important aspect of raising children, for you’re demonstrating your character while you’re training your children.

As a father, make sure your children honor their mother and that they see you are honoring her as well. God gave you the responsibility to see to it that you do everything you can to make your wife the most fulfilled, happy person she can possibly be. That’s your job as a husband, and the same responsibility goes for your wife toward you.

Parents are children’s role models. They will copy you, and you want them copying behaviors that will help them to develop into emotionally healthy individuals.

Take a step . . .

Take a few minutes to evaluate your relationship with your parents, your in-laws, your spouse, and your children. How can you show more honor to your parents and your in-laws? What can you do to show your children that you honor and respect your spouse? What behaviors in your life are good for your children to model? What behaviors in your life do you need to change for the benefit of those in your family?

Someone once said to me, “Don’t make parenting so difficult. Just relax and have fun! You don’t have to know everything in order to be a good parent.”

Being a parent starts out as a dream. Doting, expectant fathers and their pregnant wives dream about the sweet infant all cozy in pink or blue blankets with cute outfits and fun toys. With smiles in their eyes, they turn to each other and vow, “We’re going to be the best parents ever!”

Then the baby arrives. Suddenly the parents discover “the dream” yells. And smells. And spits. All at 3 a.m.

Our baby cried and often was unable to be comforted. In the early months, we slept little at night and very little during the day. My wife got up one night at about 3 a.m. for the about the fourth time! Still asleep, she picked up the little bundle and began patting her back saying, “It’s okay, honey.” To her surprise, she was holding a pillow she had taken out of the closet, and our baby was still in her bed screaming at the top of her lungs! It’s enough to make a grown man cry–or even worse. I can remember taking our squalling baby, shoving her toward my wife one night and saying, “You take it!”

It is humbling to realize that what you thought were wonderful parental instincts cannot always be counted on when you need them most. The English poet, John Wilmot, once said: “Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children, and no theories.”

Imagine a big man letting a tiny baby make him angry! Yet it happens all the time. Children’s antics will stir up what is in your heart. If there is anger, impatience, selfishness, meanness, malice, cruelty, or partiality in your heart, children will bring it out for display. Although it is not often considered to be a benefit of family life, children will help you stay up-to-date on your spiritual condition.

Sensible couples–and single parents–start out planning for their family to be the best ever, but then discover that the work has just begun. In all my years of counseling, I have never had one parent or set of parents come to me and say, “Well here we are, Dr. Brandt. We are bursting with mutual admiration because we’ve succeeded at reaching our goal. Our objective was to create an intolerable situation for all of us. Now we’ve done it: We have created the perfect mess we strived so hard for. We all can’t stand each other.”

Of course, people do not set such goals. Many good people start marriage and parenting with the highest of hopes and end up hopelessly at odds. The idea of personal freedom becomes their goal and marriage and parenthood become a nightmare with no apparent solution. But Jesus approached this attitude in the Bible by saying: “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself” (Luke 9:23).

The life of a parent is full of choices about how each will respond to the other parent and how he or she will respond to their children. Your attitudes and actions will be a reflection of the strength of your relationship with God. If you have a close relationship with Him, your responses will be much more Christ-like and will grow more so each day. On the other hand, your responses will be empty and selfish if you are self-centered instead of God-centered.

The opportunity for self-discovery lasts for at least twenty years. For some parents, this is good news. For most, this is a scary thought. Why? Because we may not like what we see. At the office, we can look good most of the time. At our community activities we can appear pretty much in control. But we cannot pretend twenty-four hours a day in our own home! By its very nature, parenthood will not allow us to hide the worst side of ourselves. And worse yet, we certainly would rather not see our faults mirrored in our children’s lives. The answer is repentance and seeking God’s Spirit in our lives.

Our example can have dire effects on our children. This was true for Mrs. Greene when she had the rude awakening of seeing herself in her teenage daughter. By observing her mother over the years, Laurie had learned Mrs. Greene’s means of control well. When Mrs. Greene wanted to move and her husband did not, she managed to find so much to criticize about the house that the family ended up moving.

Then after the family moved into their new home, Mr. Greene thought they could not afford new carpeting, but his wife proved they could by talking about it every day. She also talked her husband into installing an extra phone line for Laurie. Then, when Mrs. Green wanted to exchange a long-planned camping trip for a trip to a resort, she pouted until everyone else in the family came around to her view.

Mrs. Greene did not appear to be a demanding woman. Appearances aside, though, with full consciousness of her methods, she imposed her will on others, either subtly or directly.

Her now teenage daughter, Laurie, went her own way, ignoring her father and working around her mother’s dominance. Her wants were seldom out of line, so there were few conflicts … until Ray came along.

“Raymond isn’t good enough for you,” Mrs. Greene proclaimed. (Not a good opening for this discussion.)

“Why do you say that?” was Laurie’s response.

“He’s not a Christian,” her mother replied. “And he’ll never hold down a decent job.” (Not a good continuing remark.)

“But we love each other,” insisted Laurie.

Her persuasion ineffective, Mrs. Green flatly told Laurie that she was not to see Ray anymore.

“But I will! I will!” screamed Laurie.

And Laurie did. Mrs. Greene brought to bear every device she had ever used to control a situation. She cried, she threatened, she went to bed with headaches, she tried shaming Laurie, and she told Ray she did not approve of Him. But Laurie refused to budge.

Mrs. Greene asked her husband for help. But long ago he had learned to be neutral.

Then Mrs. Greene came for counseling, asking me to make Laurie see the error of her way.

After I heard the story, I told Mrs. Green, “You seem to have forgotten the truth of God’s Word, which says: ‘Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap.’”

“You have trained your daughter well by your example of getting what you want, in any way that it takes to get it. When Laurie stubbornly resists, you are seeing yourself in your daughter. Because you have molded her, only God can break that mold. You will just have to wait to see if He does this in spite of the foundation that has already been laid.”

I also explained to Mrs. Greene that parenting through intimidation and manipulation is not an appropriate means of guiding a child. By this time, Laurie should have known that it was not a good choice for her to date a man who was not a Christian.

Rather than trying to manipulate her daughter, Mrs. Greene could have lovingly taken her daughter to the Word of God and shown her how this could not have been the will of God for her to be unequally yoked with an unbeliever. However, this ground work needed to have been laid long ago.

Teen years do not sneak up on a parent. It takes a child thirteen years to become a teenager. Thirteen years is a long time, and the relationship established between parents and children in the earlier years will determine whether or not the teen is prepared to make choices that are based on godly examples and principles.

God will have touched the heart of parents many times to pray for their children in those thirteen years. Sadly, many parents do not take the time to pray for their children until the children are adults. And prayerlessness will leave its mark. Parents who have prayerfully worked together as a team will have established a foundation of good communication between themselves and with their child. God will be at the center of their family, if He is at the center of the life of each parent.

By the time a child reaches the teen years, his parents will have had ample time to develop some firm convictions about the need to train, correct, and supervise. On the other hand, if parents remained divided on these issues, a teen’s growing resistance to limits will bring these uncertainties and division to light.

Teenagers will not respect parents who lack conviction or are unable to agree on decisions related to the child. The good news is that all hope is not lost when parents do not find resolve until the child reaches the teen years. God can answer prayers and intervene, and it is possible for parents to regain the respect and cooperation of their children if they begin to demonstrate their conviction to abide by what they have determined is best for each child.

Serious parents do not wake up in the morning planning to make their child’s life miserable! No, it does not work that way. When the alarm goes off, it is just the opposite. “Today will be different,” the mother vows.” It will be a great day. No screaming, no impatient orders, no arguing.”

As Mom is making her vow, a situation is developing in the hall outside the bathroom. Her son is beating on the door.”Hey, you’ve been tying up the bathroom for half an hour. Do you think you’re the only one who has go to school?”

“Oh, shut up!” comes the answer from his sister. “If you want to use the bathroom, why don’t you go down in the basement and use the bathroom down there?”

And so the argument continues, with both of them yelling from their own side of the door.

Mom comes on the scene and finds herself in the middle of a battle. Several screams, protests, and mutterings later, she has settled the controversy, but now she is irritated and upset. Yet only minutes before, she had vowed that this would be a perfect day.

Often the same happens for the well-intentioned Dad. Just before he pulls into the driveway as he comes home from work, he vows, “Tonight I’m not going to be a grouch. Tonight I’m going to have fun with the family.”

Suddenly, in spite of his many lectures, he finds that his pathway to the garage is blocked by two bicycles parked in the driveway.

He parks the car halfway in the driveway and halfway in the street. Leaving the engine running, he abruptly gets out of the car and runs toward the house. He is hardly in the front door before he is after everyone in sight, “How many times do I have to tell you? Get those bicycles out of the driveway!

Dad is out of control. He continues yelling, turning on his wife. Without one loving gesture or question, he lays into her as well. “I thought I made it clear that bicycles should not be parked in the driveway.” And the fight is on.

But it does not have to be this way! There is a reason for this behavior and a solution. The answer is found in the Bible. This may be a source you have previously rejected.

What you really want for yourself–joy, peace, love, unselfishness, kindness–is described in the Bible as God’s will for you! Yet, everyone misses the mark. This is described in Romans 7:19-20: “For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice. Now if I do what I will not to do, it is not longer I would do it, but sin that dwells in me.”

Did I use the wrong word? It is an ugly word in a sense. Before you dismiss it, though, think for a minute. Even though you may not like the word sin, it is an accurate description of the cause of the problems we have been addressing.

It is important to note here that other people’s behaviors do not excuse our own sin. Our own peace of mind is not dependent upon someone else’s choices, behavior, or moods. Each one of us needs to have our lives and wills united with Christ. Without Him we will find ourselves powerless to exude joy, peace, and gentleness in the face of disagreements, bathroom fights, bicycles in the driveway, and crying babies.

God’s Word describes and proclaims our need for the Savior and for a personal and intimate relationship with Him. We were not designed to live a contented life apart from Him. Each one of us needs Him at the center of our lives. Marriage and parenthood clearly reveal our desperate need for Him.

God has a plan to save you from yourself, from your sin. You have everything to gain and nothing to lose from Him. This is what you are yearning for. Let God give you what He has promised. Your reactions toward your family will change when you have hidden yourself in Him, allowed Him to hear you, and prayed for Him to reveal to you the deep roots of sin that you cannot see by yourself.

The Bible describes the problem and its cause, but it also spells out a solution “O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? I thank God–through Jesus Christ our Lord!” (Romans 7:24-25).

This is a name that sometimes makes people see red–Jesus Christ. They may mistakenly associate Him with unreasonable demands, punishment, or guilt. But the reality is that Jesus Christ came to give us life! “For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through him might be saved” (John 3:17).

Jesus said: “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me” (John 14:6).

We must start by recognizing that we have sinned. We agree with God that our sins have separated us from Him. Then we must trust Jesus as our own personal Savior and confess our sins to God. We must then repent of these sins. Confessing is acknowledging our sin; repenting means we have a changed mind. We have determined that our lives will be changed and we have a plan and resolve to live differently.

Why settle for anything less? God can change your reactions to life. He can give you the resources you need to have a truly abundant life. As you spend time with Him, He will reveal deep areas of sin in your heart and life that you need to confess and turn from. When this happens or when you see you have not responded in a way that He would respond, repent and ask God to change you. Thank Him for His wonderful mercy, grace and love. He will give you joy and peace as you parent!

God’s Word instructs us to love one another (1 Peter 1:22). Nearly every parent wants to give his or her children tender, loving, and sacrificial care that flows out of a heart of love; but even the most dedicated mother or father cannot do this unless God is the source of that love. This is because God is love, and as we walk in His love, it will flow to our children through us.

God does not leave us without guidance. In fact, the biblical standard for love is described in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. It has 15 components:  suffers long, is kind, does not envy, does not parade itself, is not puffed up, does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil, does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth, always bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

God is love, and He is the source of all love. All good things flow from Him. Love is not something we can work up; it is something we receive from Him. Love is a spiritual matter and not just a set of attributes we try to display. Love is not merely the actions that parents do. Actions do not necessarily equate to the presence of love, because actions may be performed without love being the motivating reason. Sometimes our actions are actually out of a sense of duty or need for conformity, or as a means of achieving personal gain.

Therefore, love is not something we do; it is something within us. Do children know the difference between actions that are motivated by a loving spirit and a set of empty procedures? Certainly they do! They may not be able to verbalize what they know in their hearts to be true, but they will respond to the emptiness all the same.

It is also important to remember that love must not be withdrawn. When this happens, people are hurt and God’s purposes cannot be accomplished.

Parents’ love must be constant and unconditional. It should not be related to a child’s behavior in any way. Just like we must be able to rest in God’s love for us as we grow and mature in Him, our children must be able to rest in our love for them. For children to grow up healthy and confident, moving peacefully along the pathway of God’s perfect plan for their lives, they must be secure in their parents’ love for them.

Love can (and should) be the basis from which parents operate when they help their children learn and consistently repeat appropriate behavior. Even guiding children away from unacceptable behavior can be accomplished with ease when love is the parents’ motivation.

In any given situation that involves guiding children, adults will be forced to make decisions about how they will respond to their children and their actions. There will be many possibilities to choose from, many of which will not be beneficial to the children. Only a heart of love and reliance on God for His love and wisdom will consistently lead the adult to respond in ways that are mindful of the children’s developmental level and truly in their best interests.

Unfortunately, many parents and caregivers excuse their own bad behavior by blaming their own actions on the behavior of the children. However, children and teens should not be controlling the emotions of the adults. It is the adult’s responsibility to be Christlike in every situation, regardless of how the child is behaving.

However, love does not mean inaction or allowing children to take charge! And it does not mean that a parent can withdraw from fulfilling his or her responsibilities. Parents must lovingly help, guide, or redirect their children when they misbehave. Even a child’s most obnoxious conduct can be dealt with in a gentle, but firm, way.

What is the difference between gentle firmness and hostile firmness? Your spirit. You know the difference–and so do your children!

Because it is not born out of love, hostile firmness will injure your child. There are many inappropriate ways for an adult to, in a spirit of hostility and anger, strike a child. These unbridled reactions may take the form of physical slaps and blows that are administered violently and mindlessly. Or a child may be stricken down with sharp words or stinging silence. Certainly God has placed these children in our care, and this is not what He wants our children to receive from us. If this is what the children are receiving from our hands and from our mouths, then this is what they are receiving from our hearts.

If our hearts are full of hostility, we will give hostility to our children. In turn, if our hearts are full of love, we will give them love. When our spirits are full of love because we have received love from God, our children will learn and experience the nature of Jesus Christ–who lives in us. When Jesus Christ reigns in the hearts and lives of the parents, the home will be a safe place in which children can flourish and grow.

Our children must be able to rely on our consistency in the same way that we rely and put our trust in the fact that God is consistent.

All parents will have moments of desperation when they must call out to God to help them. What do we do when a hostile spirit grips us and we react in selfish ways that hurt our children and other people around us?

We must repent–we must turn from our sinful ways. We must ask God for His forgiveness and His grace. And yes, something else is required. We must admit to our children that we were wrong, and if other people have been affected by our hostility, we must confess our fault to them. We must also ask those we have injured to forgive us. This will teach our children that we are serious about obeying God’s Word. It will also make it very clear that the type of behavior we exhibited is not something that should be copied.

This is the time for retracing our steps to find out what led up to the outburst. Oftentimes during this prayerful time of self-examination, God will show us that somehow we have been neglecting our relationship with Him. When we focus on him and submit our ways to His, our repentance and renewed relationship with Him will yield the fruits of righteousness. Every area of our lives will reflect our rediscovery of how His love flows through. You may be a parent who is full of questions about how to guide your children. Be encouraged by the fact that these very questions are a reflection of your love for your children!

Does this mean that our children will enjoy being corrected by us? No. Being corrected is not a pleasurable experience! However, when it is an expression of our loving spirit, it will ultimately yield good fruit in them … and in us. Hebrews 12:11 tells us, “Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but grievous; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.”

Your task is not to keep your child smiling today at any price. Instead, God has given you the responsibility of helping your child become a mature and responsible person who loves the Lord with a whole heart. By having a loving spirit when difficult situations arise, you are guiding your children with your love and leading them to the source of all love.

Praise for a job well done reassures a child. Admonition for a job poorly done lets him know he is not learning well.

Most people dream of having a home that is full of peace, love, joy and tranquility; however, frustration often results when they examine the disparity between what is and what could–or should–be. Many parents feel overwhelmed, frustrated, and even inadequate when they take time to assess their homes and realize they are not happy ones.

God does not expect you to parent alone! He is watching over you and your children. Families are in constant change. Over time, a wide variety of different interests, needs, and capacities will emerge in the individual members of your family. Without His spirit, the task of being a parent would be truly overwhelming. But you are not alone! By His Spirit, you can rely on God to make you sensitive to the individual needs of each member of your family. As you pray and seek God’s ways, He will give you love for your children. You do not have to pretend to have the fifteen components of love that we noted earlier. God is the source of love, so look to Him for the love that you need!

Whether we realize it or not, we are constantly teaching and modeling behavior in front of our children. This is why good parenting is a matter of whether or not your spirit is surrendered to the Spirit of God, and is not limited to a set of skills and procedures. A parent cannot pretend to be loving or pretend to lead a godly life all day long, day in and day out. At some point the pretense will be uncovered and your real spirit will be revealed–usually under pressure. Children are watching and listening to their parents and other adults much more than most of us realize!

Parenting cannot be haphazard. In fact, the very essence of guiding children implies a purpose and a goal. It suggests that parents assume responsibility for influencing their children and for making their learning experiences effective.

You should keep in mind that children develop in accordance with their own individual, God-given timetables; however, basic knowledge of child development will enable you to provide the tools, experiences, and guidance that your child generally needs at a given age. As you study and put into practice your own ideas and some of the procedures that have been successfully used by other adults, you will gradually acquire more and more skill in the art of arranging experiences that foster wholesome and happy development in your children.

Without conviction, you will back down from doing what is best for your child. A child’s resistance to adult authority is one area that calls upon a parent’s resolve. Because every child will test the limits to their freedom of choice, parents should not be surprised when the child resists guidelines or expectations. Know what you plan to do when this happens–before it happens!

Constant attention to our children is one of the toughest tests of character and spiritual stamina. Know your child, foster open and honest communication within your family, study up on appropriate developmental stages for your children, and trust God to give you His wisdom and love to guide your children. Steadfastly love your children, confidently trust in God’s guidance, and stay true to the parenting plan that you and your spouse have agreed upon.

In all athletic team competitions, the home and visiting teams and their corresponding fans all go by the same rules and boundaries. The rules are published in a book and knowledge of the rules is essential to understanding and playing the game. Making sure the players stay within the limits established by the rulebook is the job of the officials. If a player breaks a rule, the referee penalizes the entire team. The player and his team must accept the consequences. The referee’s interpretation of the game is final.

The words “football game” can tell us many things. The very name of the game determines the shape of the ball, the dimensions of the playing field, the rules of the game, and the type of clothes the players and officials wear.

The word family also tells us many things. Determined limits make a family unique. Every family has identifying marks relative to their type of house, church, school, recreation, mealtimes, friends, house rules, etc. Every family’s set of limits is unique, but certain components are common to most because they are based on common sense. Some limits are fully established and do not change over the course of time, while others naturally evolve as children grow and mature.

Infants usually experience their first limits when they try to squirm out of their car seat or stroller. It is also a major discovery when babies crawl into the baby gate that divides them from a set of stairs. Young preschoolers usually learn the basic limits that will take many forms throughout their whole lifetimes. These include limits pertaining to health and safety, respecting property, and respecting other people’s rights, belongings, and feelings.

Limits provide a basis for consistency and structure that ensure the well being of your children. If you are consistent, your children will know what to expect. When limits are consistent, they are more easily internalized by the children, and following them becomes a lifestyle for them. This will help them become adults who have self-control and who easily conform to the limits placed on them by society.

Limits do not eliminate the problem of human nature, nor will they change children’s basic attitudes, or their spirits. In fact, limits will often reveal inner attitudes and a child’s true personality. However, by setting limits you allow your children some freedom of choice, you make things in your home more predictable, and you provide a framework for dealing with your children.

Children will never maintain limits perfectly. They will need lots of reminders, particularly when they are in new situations that require new limits and new expectations. We must also keep in mind that children have their own ups and downs, just like adults do, and therefore some days they will need more help than others. An adult’s responsibility of dealing with what appears to be noncompliance must always take into consideration a child’s developmental readiness for ideas and activities.

Depending on the age of the child, you may give a simple rule with or without a reason. Very young children think concretely and will not be able to grasp the reasons for the limit unless you can explain it in four simple words or less. Even then, he might not make the connection. An older child, on the other hand, will want to know that reason. Telling the child the reason has the benefit of helping the child develop reasoning skills. However, you do not need to repeat that reason 20 times! If the older child is asking you to explain yourself over and over, he is probably looking for a means of non-compliance.

Parents are teachers. You must work with your children in the spirit of a helpful teacher. Remember that children learn day by day as they become developmentally ready to move on to the next step. Before dishing out consequences, first find out if you did your job of giving your child the best possible opportunity for fulfilling your request.

Try to think of limits as beings areas of freedom.

For example, in our home we had designated areas for play. In the living room, you could read or play the stereo. In the family room, you could play with remote control cars, toys, or games. The only limitation was to put the game or toy back when you were through with it. There were even some things you could do in the kitchen. You could always help with the dishes. You could help prepare meals … or bake cookies. Or you could sit in the kitchen and talk with whoever was baking!

The only limitation in any of these rooms was that you could not throw things or hit anyone and you had to take your turn.

You could make all the noise you wanted in the basement, garage, or bedroom, or outside! The limits defined the options for each area. Our children learned to make choices within the limits and to respect the rights of others.

Tony discovered a framework for dealing with Caleb after going out of his way to set what he thought was a reasonable limit with his 11-year-old.

“Let’s set a reasonable limit, Caleb. Before supper, you wash your hands.”

“Okay, Dad, that sounds reasonable.”

Of course it was reasonable until just before supper … and then Caleb suddenly disagreed with Dad. After all, his hands were not that dirty, and he was hungry!

When a rule is new, children need help remembering the limit. However, when they refuse to follow a rule, they will need help! The degree of a child’s resistance usually determines the kind or degree of help that is necessary. When the child has firmly established in his mind that you mean what you say and there will be further consequences if he does not comply, abiding by the limit will become part of his routine. In this case, Caleb needed a reminder that he had agreed to this arrangement, and that if he did not comply he would be helping wash the dishes after the meal.

You may be thinking, “What about a child’s attitude? Will limits and expectations ruin them emotionally?” Remember, guiding children is not changing their spirits. Changing their spirits can only happen when they are born again by the Spirit of God. After this happens, they will become more like Him each day. They are people, just like you, but remember that people have turned to their own ways for a long time!

Holding to limits provides security and stability for everyone in the family and both parents must be committed to the family plan.

I did not think too much about it the evening my daughter approached me just as I was ready to walk up on the platform to speak.

“Hey, Dad, can I have the keys to the car after the meeting? I want to take a carload of kids to the beach.”

“Okay,” I said, without thinking.

Then I went to the platform to make my speech about how important it is for a husband and wife to agree on and be committed to the limits they establish for their children. After I finished my speech, I went to a large foyer in the back of the auditorium where hundreds of people were milling around.

My daughter had a large group of her friends standing behind her when she came up to me and said, “Dad, I need the keys now.”

I could see that my wife was upset when she heard my daughter say this to me. In response to my daughter’s announcement that she was ready for the car keys, my wife said to her, “But I told you that you couldn’t go.”

Well, there were some people standing around who heard this exchange, and they started assembling another little congregation to see how the speaker would handle this.

You cannot think of everything, especially when you are traveling. You can expect your children to pick times like that to test the limits. But we had a limit at our house: The first parent you have asked about something gives the last and final answer. Because the limit was clear and consistently kept, my decision was easy. My answer would be easily determined by my daughter’s answer to one simple question: Who did you ask about this first–me or your mother?

It turned out she had asked her mother first.

So I said to my daughter, “You know the answer. You asked your mother first.”

Her response was, “But, Dad, you’re embarrassing me in front of all these people.”

Here she not only had willfully tried to disobey her mother by getting permission from me to do something her mother had already told her she could not do, but now was trying to manipulate me by trying to make me feel guilty about embarrassing her in front of all these people.

I stuck to my guns–much to the dismay of my daughter and the relief of my wife. Holding to limits like this one provided security and stability for all of us. I could look to the limit and easily know how to respond; my wife knew that I supported her decisions; and my daughter knew that she could rely on us to be consistent. In that moment, my daughter and wife saw that I was trustworthy.

There will be times when you will think a limit is quite sensible, but your children may think it inhibits their freedom too much. Remember, you are the leaders, not your children. Without a united front, children learn to play one parent against the other and what your child is learning at home will be expressed in his relationships outside the home.

Structure and boundaries are fundamental ways in which parents can express their love for their children. All limits should have the following characteristics:

• They should help a child know what is expected of him.
• They should be reachable, reasonable, and clearly understood.
• They must allow for some freedom of choice.
• There should be as few limits as possible.

We do our children a great favor if we help them understand there are consequences for their actions … good and bad.

Distraught parents often come to me because their children are suffering the consequences of not being adequately supervised. Of course, teenagers do not want to be supervised, but oftentimes dire consequences will be the result of parents adhering to their children’s complaints and demands for more personal freedom in areas where they are unable to cope with temptation. Setting consequences for a child’s choices and then making them happen is a crucial part of teaching children. They must learn the principles expressed in Galatians 6:7: “Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap.”

This was particularly evident when a set of parents came in with their pregnant daughter.

“I told her she was seeing too much of that boy,” wails the mother, “but she wouldn’t listen. She would say, ‘Mother, don’t you trust me?’ I wanted to trust her, and look what happened.”

What happened? The normal consequences of allowing a young couple too much unsupervised freedom is what happened.

“What can I do?” pleaded another mother. “For an hour or two a night my daughter and her boyfriend sit in his parked car out in front of our house. She tells me there is no reason for me to be concerned, and she refuses to come in.”

“’Why are you so suspicious, Mother?’ she says. ‘You don’t need to worry about us.’”

If you ask me, the parents should do something. There is a basis for concern. Her daughter surely is not reviewing Bible verses night after night for an hour or two out there. We all know what goes on in a parked car in the dark. How do you get the daughter out of the car?

One possibility comes to mind. If all else fails, you go outside, open the car door, reach in, and help her out of the car.

“Won’t that embarrass her?” Yes, it will. But this is a consequence of defying you.

“Won’t she be angry?” She will be furious. But that’s her problem, not yours.

“What if she does not come home and parks somewhere else?” Then do not allow her to go. You may also need to deal with the boy and/or his parents.

Give her the supervision she thinks she does not need! Remember, this is your beloved daughter. The excitement of physical closeness at her age is too tempting for her to handle. She needs your supervision and your help. The boy also needs your supervision and his parents’ help. Ignoring your parental responsibility at this time will be allowing behavior that your child knows is risky and degrading.

In their teenage years, your children need your guidance and help most. They may not appreciate it now, but they definitely will when they realize five years from now that their lives were not sidetracked by a mistake they would not have been able to undo. Always keep in mind that children lack wisdom and self-control, so when parents leave them unsupervised, the children will be prone to make foolish choices.

Life will always bring some tough breaks and some good ones. Either way, we must make the most out of the consequences. Our job as parents is to point our children in the right direction. To do that, we need to plan consequences that will help them along the way. Some people call them rewards … or punishment. The consequences we give them today will prepare them to make the right choices that will lead to the right consequences tomorrow. Everyone makes choices and either enjoys or suffers the consequences of those choices.

Lecturing our children about consequences they cannot understand is futile, but we can teach them about cause and effect on their own levels by associating short-term consequences with acceptable or unacceptable behaviors. For example, the child may be told: If you do not study, you cannot go out to play. Or, if you practice hard enough, you will have a much better chance at making the team. Whenever it is possible, have the consequences be directly related to your child’s actions. If you allow your teen to use the car, and he brings it back in good shape and on time, you can be lavish with your praise. If the car is a mess when you get it back, your child may have to wash and vacuum out the car. If he comes home late, use of the car may be suspended for however long you deem is necessary. This will teach him that his choices have consequences that are directly related to his behavior.

Proverbs 29:17 says, “Correct your son, and he will give you rest; yes, he will give delight to your soul.”

At times, parenting may feel like a mystery. Solving this mystery lies in responding to resistance, giving help, respecting each other, supervising activities, and setting and enforcing limits. You must have a plan and then throw all you have into following that plan … making sure the consequences for the child’s behavior are in place.

I once knew a couple that was having a real problem with their 13-year-old son. He was flunking in school, fighting with his teachers, sassing his parents, and fighting with kids in the neighborhood.

His parents tried everything. First, they ignored him. Then they praised him. Then they rewarded him. Then they reasoned with him, lectured him, and withheld privileges. Then they took his bike away, made him stay in the house, and eventually even spanked him (a 13-year-old!).

Nothing seemed to work. The parents kept after the boy–while they constantly showed real love and concern for the boy himself. They also prayed for patience and grace. This went on for six months and nothing seemed to change. Then, just as mysteriously as the behavior had begun, the boy began to change for the better.

In the past, the boy had been condemned and corrected by teachers, neighbors, and Sunday school teachers. Two years later, the same boy was a top student, on the soccer team, and praised and admired by his teachers, coaches, classmates, and neighbors.

This is a perfect picture of a dedicated, committed set of parents seeking to train a child in the way he should go. They realized it was 20-year process. Their concern was the process, not the immediate decisions and appearances of the moment. They had to relax, trust God, and act by faith.

Often when parents talk about their children who are in trouble, I ask them what they think they should have done differently. In nearly every case, if the parents had done what they thought they should have done, they would have done what I would have recommended.

Many parents do not have confidence in their own abilities. Rather than being paralyzed by fear and insecurity, they need to look to God’s Word as the sources and inspiration for their parenting. Then they need to trust their own instincts as they proceed with confident expectation of good results.

Remember, the primary goal is to train the children up in the way they should go. You have 20 years to mellow and mature. Pray that you will live your life in such a way that your children will grow up wanting to serve the GOD you serve. Parenthood requires an acceptance of the task, the desire to understand it, and the willingness to be as diligent in preparation and performance as the most accomplished artist, business person, or professional person.

Conflicts and problems will arise, but these can lead you to ever-higher levels of accomplishment as God demonstrates His power through the adversity. To identify problems and solve them is to find success. To cover them up or pretend they are not there is to experience defeat. Each parent must be ready and willing to fulfill his or her responsibility in any decision or task.

Guiding children implies a purpose and a goal. You need to know where you are going. You need to assume responsibility for influencing your children. Your influence for good, or for ill, will probably have more effect on the lives of your children than anything else they will encounter. You must work hard to make learning wholesome and effective for your children.

When you center your life and your household in God, you can have fun together as a family as your children grow up in the Lord Jesus Christ. Cherish your children and help them grow to be all God created them to be!

I want to remind you that raising children is a 20-year process. Twenty years. So those of you with preschool children need to remember that you have a ways to go! So relax, take it easy; there isn’t any one day that makes a whole lot of difference, not in the perspective of 20 years.

In Isaiah 53:6 we read, “All we like sheep have gone astray.” One could think of this verse as the theme for family life. If parents go ”astray,” the children will usually follow. It’s important to recognize the responsibility you have in raising your children.

One of the responsibilities we have as parents is to set limits. Setting limits involves both parents choosing carefully what is best for their children. Once you set those limits, make sure they hold. It’s important that your children realize that you have set boundaries for them, made them plain, and they can depend on you to carry them out. That gives them security.

First you must SET AND COMMUNICATE THE LIMITS to your children. Once you have done that, you can expect your children to test those limits. Be prepared, you will need some tools to enforce them.

The first tool is to HELP your children to live within the boundaries you have set up for them. For example, when your small child is in an ugly mood and creating a raucous in the T.V. room where she knows there is to be no horseplay, you deal with it simply by lifting her out and setting her down in the kitchen. That child just needed help in behaving herself. You’ve enforced the limit, and not allowed her in the T.V. room until she learns to behave herself.

Another tool is to provide SUPERVISION. Say you set a time for your children to be home when they go out at night. Make sure one of you is always there when they arrive. It takes supervision to keep track of your children.

An additional tool you may need to occasionally use is PRESSURE. You say to your child “It’s time to go to church.”

He or she responds, “I won’t go.”

Rather than threaten, spank, or holler at them, just link your arm firmly in theirs and march them to church. If they sneak out, go get them and sit right beside them.

Parenthood isn’t difficult. All it needs is agreement, deep convictions, your good example, and a loving spirit.

Take a step . . .

As you consider the process of having “boundaries” for your children, which aspect of the process do you need to focus on?

Setting and Communicating the Limits
Helping
Supervising
Using Pressure
Ask God to help you lovingly set the boundaries your children need. You may want to pray the following prayer:

Dear Lord, You can see my situation more clearly than anyone else and you know my children even better than I do. You have the power to intervene and help me to be the parent to my children that they need me to be. I need your wisdom, direction, strength, and love to empower me to parent my children in a way that will help them to grow into mature adults. Thank you Jesus, Amen.

The foundation upon which you’re going to build an effective family life is this: You expect your children to honor you. Now how does that happen? That happens when you and your partner sit down and develop guidelines, limits, and rules that both of you are prepared to carry out, and in your considered judgment, are in the best interests of your children.

Many of us, by the time we do our job, look at our recreational opportunities, and carry out our social opportunities, consequently find that we are too played out to spend quality time in the raising of our children. Let me say to you that if you want to give your children a sense of sure footedness, then you ought to accept the task of deciding what’s best for them.  You are the one who has the experience to realistically decide what is best. There isn’t anybody in the world better qualified to decide what’s best for children than their parents, provided you’ve paid attention to what your children need.

Children without boundaries will become frustrated and live with a sense of insecurity because they are left to chart their own course. According to Proverbs 22:6, parents are to “train up a child in the way he should go.” Where a child goes and what a child does should be your decision, not theirs. You know what is best for them. They may buck you, but stand firm. Remember, it is not your responsibility to keep them happy, but to guide them in their behavior.

Agreement and unity are the foundation upon which you’re going to build an effective family life. You’re not concerned about whether your children like it. The important thing is that the two people in the world most qualified to make that decision are agreed that what you have decided is best for your children, because you both have the best interests of your children at heart.

Once you’ve decided what the plan is going to be, then the two of you can work together the rest of the time seeing to it that it’s carried out. You’ll make changes along the way, reviewing the day or the week and reviewing the rules. It may seem a big undertaking, but there’s nothing that will give you more satisfaction than you both charting the course for your family together.

Take a step . . .

Take a few moments to evaluate the way you discipline your children. Are you and your spouse on the same page? What can you do to approach the discipline of your children in the same way? What is one step you need to take to begin to guide your children in a more deliberate way? Ask God to help you take that step.

How seriously do you take your responsibilities as a parent? Do you believe in setting limits and boundaries? Many people these days are saying, “Don’t pressure your child. If they don’t want to do it, don’t force them.”

The Bible has this to say about that kind of thinking: “The child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame” (Proverbs 29:15). The crime rate among our children is rising, and parents need to be more in tune with their God given role regarding their children.

You and your partner are a team, and as such need to mutually design a playing field for your children that consists of reasonable rules and boundaries that will give them direction. These give you as parents a framework for guidance and training, and set the stage for good supervision. It is wise to take into consideration your children’s interests and needs. But make sure you are the one that calls the shots as to what the rules are going to be, not your children.

Put your requests to them in the form of an affirmative directive, rather than as a question. Not: “Would you like to go to bed?” but instead saying, “It’s time for bed.” That’s ”train[ing] up a child in the way that he should go” (Proverbs 22:6). When you ask a question you’re giving your child the freedom to ignore what you want them to do or to even say “No” to what needs to be done. When that happens, and you don’t do anything about it, you’re teaching them non-compliance.

As loving and responsible parents, it is your responsibility to teach your children to comply with the reasonable limits you have set for them, keeping in mind you have set these rules and limits for them in their best interests. When you request that your children do something in a certain way, make your request with confident expectation that they are going to do what you are asking them to do.

Sometimes your children will need help in obeying your rules. For instance, the quickest way to help your child get into the house, if he refuses to obey, is to pick him up, or gently lead him into the house. You are helping him to comply.

Teaching your children to comply with reasonable limits is one of the best things you can do for them in terms of what they’ll need to do when they are adults, having to comply with the expectations of an employer or group they are in. They won’t always have people in authority who are nice to them, but they will learn to do what they are asked to do because they have been asked to do it, not because people are nice to them.

Having the ability to comply with reasonable limits is a wonderful gift you can give your children.

Take a step . . .

Memorize the following verses:

“Train up a child in the way he should go” (Proverbs 22:6).

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths” (Proverbs 3:5-6).