Apicontent

“But Mommy, I don’t want to.” Or maybe, it’s “No, Daddy, I won’t.” Sound familiar? These responses are the “cries of resistance” to major principles parents need to set down concerning their families. These principles are called limits.

When you think about living and working together as a family, setting limits is vital. Children need limits – limits that are fair, reasonable, and as few as possible. The limits of your family need to be clearly communicated and enforced.

It may sound complex. But the only really complex part of living with limits in your family is for you and your partner to agree on what the limits are going to be, realizing and accepting that when you set down limits, you’ll experience resistance.

Your child may cry, beg, or even yell, thinking if they do it long enough, you’ll give in. That’s normal. It’s just human nature to want to do things your own way, and you can see that tendency full blown and very obvious in little children.

The Bible tells us that “All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way” (Isaiah 53:6 KJV).

How do you handle it when your child resists your limits? You don’t lecture them, or raise your voice to them, or give in to them. Help them, without doing the job for them. Be persistent, consistent, and firm, but be gentle.

Trying to get them to want to keep your limits isn’t your job, even though many modern psychologists say it is. And it isn’t your job to help them decide what limits they want to keep, or to explain to them why you want them to do what you ask. It is your job to decide what, in your considered judgment, is in the best interest of your children, and what are the reasonable limits that have to be carried out.

Keep in mind your responsibility isn’t to keep your children happy. Your primary task is to “Train up a child in the way he should go” (Proverbs 22:6 KJV). The training of our children involves reasonable, firm boundaries set down in love. Loving limits give children a sense of security.

Children need good humored parents who are on the same page and who love their children and believe in them enough to give them whatever help they need to do what is best for them. That’s security, and that’s follow through.

Take a step . . .

Ask yourself, ”Are my children experiencing fair and reasonable limits?” What changes need to occur within your family? Ask God to help you set practical limits for your children that will help them to be all that God has created them to be.

If your marriage partner is more intimately involved in your life than anyone else, your children run a close second. You will either reveal or conceal your spirit around your children.

With your children in mind, consider this Bible verse: “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor; not lagging behind in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord” (Romans 12:10-11).

The demands of a child will keep you constantly aware of your spirit, your diligence, and your sincerity.

Guiding children is a long, hard, demanding responsibility. But so is any rewarding job. Expending the energy to interact with one another is part of living. Parenthood is a 20-year-long haul, and it becomes the most demanding when children are in their late teens.

Guiding children requires that parents set limits for their children, which notably demands not only working together to set limits, but also to administer them. Thus, parenthood is a continuous, ongoing test of the marriage partnership. Not only must limits be set, but as children grow older, they need to be adjusted. All of this requires good will and cooperation between parents.

Interacting with people is tiring. There are good days and there are bad days. One day you have happy children. Another day it seems they are grumpy all day long.

Some days all goes smoothly. No one is stepping over the limits or challenging the calls. Other days you are called upon to make some debatable decisions. Guiding children isn’t something that interferes with your life–it’s part of life. Half the battle in parenthood is accepting the task and the never-ending surprises and frustrations that keep coming up.

Setting limits and dealing with the inevitable resistance from the children to some of the limits is a real test of the marriage. There is either cooperation or competition over setting the limits and how to supervise them. You are doing or requiring something you believe is worthwhile and in the best interests of your child. If you hold on to that conviction, you will have enough conviction to see it through.

If parents are competitors rather than partners, they will likely have two sets of limits–one set when mother is home alone, another set when father is home alone.

The result? Bedlam. The children will begin to play one parent against the other. Or it can result in the withdrawal of one of the parents from the discipline process.

You will either enjoy the job of parenting or it will irritate you. You either cooperate with your partner or you compete. You either diligently rise to the demands of the job, or you neglect it.

You build your own self-respect or self-love as you cooperate with your partner in setting limits and administering them…as you remain loyal, cooperative, submissive, and committed to do all in your power to guide your children into becoming wholesome, happy, contributing adults.

What do you think is involved in being an effective parent?

The Bible tells us in Proverbs 22:6 to “Train up a child in the way he should go; and when he is old, he will not depart from it” (KJV).

Now that’s a tall order, and a great responsibility, and there are some positive ingredients that make that possible.

Your expectations as a parent for your child have a definite influence on your child’s behavior. For example, two different people can try feeding a child. One will succeed, the other will fail. Why? The one expected to succeed. The other expected to fail.

The first one had what was called confident expectation. If you’re doing something that’s worthwhile, whether it’s feeding your child or anything else necessary in parenthood, if you feel it’s worthwhile and in the best interest of your child, you ought to have enough conviction to carry it through. That involves confident expectation.

Your child may not want or like what you’re trying to do and may resist you in different ways. But don’t take your cue from your child, letting him control the situation. With love and gentleness, but with firmness, persist with confident expectation and you will gain the victory.

Dr. Ethel Wethering, a professor at Cornell University, once talked about 4 building blocks that help in raising children.

1. Attitude of Approval

A child’s attitude has a lot to do with the attitude of the parent. Choose to have a spirit of approval, so your child sees “I like you, even when you are bucking me.”

2. Help

When you have an expectation of your child, figure out how to help make it happen.

3. Respect

Be patient with your child and take time to understand what the child can and can’t do. Respect their abilities.

4. Affection and Tenderness

This building block can cement your relationship with your child. Show your love for your children. Hug them, tell them you love him. That will help you jump over a lot of hurdles and heal a lot of hurts.

The most important part of parenthood involves your character. Much of what you teach your children will be caught, not actually taught. You are shaping your child’s character by your example. Unfortunately, few parents realize how important it is to be good role models of the attitudes, speech and actions they desire to see reproduced in their children.

So, pay attention to the kind of person you are, and how you relate to your spouse. You are making an impression. Ask God for wisdom and direction as to what changes you need to make in order to be a more approving, helping, respecting, affectionate parent. Be your best and your children will benefit all the more.

Jon was 14, a handsome, tough young man. A likable guy, he noticed the pictures on the wall of my office and asked what it took to graduate from the college I’d attended. Someday he wanted to be a professional man, he said. I found out that he liked sports, reading, and church, and had lots of friends.

But when it came to talking about his folks, his eyes became slits, his lips pressed into a line, and his voice raised a couple of levels as he shrilled, “I hate them!”’

Jon’s parents had visited me earlier. They were concerned because there was constant friction between them and Jon. When he cleaned his room, he never did a thorough job. If they asked him to cut the grass, it would take four days. The previous Sunday, he had refused to wear his best pants to church, and instead he wore jeans.

Jon’s insubordination made his parents furious, they admitted. Jon got furious in return, and usually he wouldn’t do what he was told until they threatened to punish him.

“Why do you hate your folks?”’ I asked Jon.

He seemed to know the reason very well.

“’They want me to jump whenever they say. If I go out and come in five minutes late, one of them is waiting with an angry sermon. I’m not supposed to fight with my brother, but they fight with each other. Dad works late a lot and never lets Mom know. She gets mad and we eat without him.

“’Dad throws his clothes around, and Mom picks up after him, but she makes me hang up my clothes. The back door needed the handle fixed all summer, and Dad hasn’t fixed it yet. But I’m supposed to do everything right now. My mom will sometimes tell me I can go out, and Dad comes home and tells me I can’t.”

If Jon’s story was true, it was a picture of each one in the family for himself. Mom wanted her way, Dad his, and Jon his. Jon got jumped on constantly for following the same pattern as his folks followed.

When I told Jon’s parents about his explanation of the home situation, they were furious and embarrassed. Eventually, they came around to recognizing it as the truth.

What was needed in this family is described beautifully in Colossians 3:13, “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

Jon’s folks began to see their problem as a family civil war–with each side wanting to win. The parents proceeded, repentantly, to straighten out the disagreements between themselves, asking God to give them a loving spirit toward each other. They are on the road to a solution, but Jon may be as bad off as ever.

“I’ll change if they do,” he says stubbornly. He still needs to apply Colossians 3:13 to his own life. And his hate is a sin before God. With God’s standard and his parents’ good example before him, Jon has no excuse whatsoever; but he needs to make the decision himself.

[Dr. Henry Brandt shares insights from various counseling sessions with parents. The names and certain details in these true case histories have been changed to protect each person’s identity and privacy.]

Sisters Kendra and Connie Evans were much alike, except that Kendra was an “ugly duckling” in comparison with her blonde, blue-eyed, younger sister. The difference had been repeatedly noted even in childhood.

”What a perfectly beautiful child!” strangers had exclaimed over Connie. And through the years, Mrs. Evans never tired of hearing this praise for her younger daughter.

”Connie is a pretty child,” she would reply. ”It’s just too bad that her sister couldn’t have shared her good fortune.” Kendra was just as intelligent as Connie, but Connie brought home nearly perfect report cards. In junior high school and in the church youth group she was elected an officer year after year. In high school, she became homecoming queen.

At 16, Kendra suddenly became the center of attention–when she became a serious problem.

“Why don’t you get out and make friends?” her annoyed mother asked. “If you’d only show a little of Connie’s gumption …”

Teachers asked why a girl as capable as Kendra failed to show more initiative “like her sister.”

The comparisons burned Kendra. Through tears of defeat she saw no use of trying when the competition was so strong. She gave up and withdrew into a shell.

Mrs. Evans showed great disgust. The more disgusted she became, the more angry and withdrawn Kendra became. Finally she was brought to me as ”a problem child.”

Probing, I discovered that the girls’ father had been too busy to enter into the family’s life and their upbringing had fallen to Mrs. Evans. In his rise in the business world, Mr. Evans had neglected even his wife. She in turn had tried to get satisfaction from two superior daughters, and while Connie had brought her recognition, Kendra had caused her distress and shame. Thus she was quick to praise one and criticize the other.

Mrs. Evans was able to see and admit her error. She needed to see her daughters’ needs, not use her daughters to meet her own needs. Would Kendra accept the truth that God’s commendation, not humans’, is important, as is stated in 2 Corinthians 10:18 “For it is not the one who commends himself who is approved, but the one whom the Lord commends”?

Kendra came to see her own responsibility and came out of her self-exile. Daughter and parent got on with new understanding. Though Kendra didn’t have the beauty of her sister, her spirit became lustrous, and there was no keeping it from showing through to the outside.

[Dr. Henry Brandt shares insights from various counseling sessions with parents. The names and certain details in these true case histories have been changed to protect each person’s identity and privacy.]

“I love Betty very much and she knows it. But why is she so rebellious?” Mrs. Grant asked me.

This mother was a sincere Christian, and her teenage daughter had been a continual object of her prayers. She could not get Betty to study, do a chore right, get along with her brother, or even eat properly. It was a mother-daughter battle, and it terribly distressed Mrs. Grant. “It’s been very trying, believe me,” she said. “In coming to you, I thought you might help.”

Probing for the cause of the festering trouble, I asked what her feelings were when Betty disobeyed her.

Impatience, anger, and resentment, she confessed. “But in spite of that,” she hastened to add, “I love my daughter very much. Don’t you think I’ve proved this by the torture I’ve been through in keeping to myself the irritation she causes me?”

I guess I shocked Mrs. Grant when I said, “Your bitter feelings toward Betty prove that you do not love her.”

“How can you say such a thing?” she cried. “Doesn’t it take love to carry a cross?”

I opened my Bible to 1 Corinthians 13 and pointed out God’s description of love: Love is kind … and longsuffering. Kindness and longsuffering are fruit of the Holy Spirit produced within the surrendered Christian, I pointed out.

“Hiding your impatience and resentment does not alter the fact that these are present in your heart,” I told her. “These are not the ingredients of love. These are products of our selfish nature. You may pretend to Betty—and to yourself—that they do not exist, but they do!”

Mrs. Grant was very surprised when I traced her anguish to her efforts to act loving rather than to be loving.

“Do you mean that Betty should be allowed to get away with what she does?” she demanded.

“Not at all,” I answered. “Your daughter’s behavior must be dealt with. But before you can deal with Betty, you must deal with your own inner spirit.”

It was months before Mrs. Grant could completely give up her conviction that if only Betty would behave, Mother would be her own sweet self again. It took some time also for her to understand that if she were truly to love Betty, the impatience and resentment would have to be replaced by patience, kindness, and gentleness.

“I’m not capable of patience,” she said desperately one day. “It is so hard to be kind.”

She was right. What was in her heart just naturally came out. But, I assured her, if she repented of her bitter heart, God was ready to help.

She finally dropped her defense and asked God to give her the love she lacked. She discovered God gives all the overflowing love He is asked for, and she could deal with Betty in love, whether or not her daughter responded.

Not surprisingly, Betty did respond and their home is now the happy Christian one it should be.

Isabel Carr complained that her problems began the day she decided to become an obedient wife. “I figured that a Christian woman ought to be subject to her husband,” she said.

And what had ten years of obedience produced? Her husband, Glenn, bowled four nights every week. He paid little attention to the children, even missing their son Dan’s high school graduation because Glenn stayed too long on the golf course. Three months ago, admitting he was growing fond of his secretary, Glenn moved out. He had not contributed a dime to the family since.

Isabel would have said nothing to anyone except that Dan was now giving her trouble. He was verbally abusive, refused to pay board even though he had a job, and stayed out late every night. His girlfriend had taken him completely away from the church.

“My 11-year-old boy and 8-year-old girl won’t mind me either,” Mrs. Carr complained.

”Mrs. Carr,” I said. “You have confused obedience with negligence. In taking refuge in what you term obedience to your husband, you have neglected your children. By doing nothing, you have encouraged Dan to follow in his father’s footsteps.”

I advised her to make Dan pay a fair board each week or live elsewhere, and also to set rules for the younger children.

“If children are going to obey, they must have limits,” I said. “And someone must see that they are enforced.” That is what is described in Proverbs 22:6, ”Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”

With encouragement from me over a period of week, Isabel Carr established some standards for her household. The children griped at first, but they are tending to accept them. Even Dan is beginning to respect his mother.

Had Mrs. Carr been more objective, she would have seen herself as negligent and careless while cooperating with an equally negligent and careless husband.

I assured her that if her husband returned home, it was right for her to demand that he support his family with his money and time. Both partners should carry out their expected responsibilities.

Glenn Carr has not returned home, but the rest of the family is progressing. They are proof that a family can be saved provided even one parent starts acting like a parent.

[Dr. Henry Brandt shares insights from various counseling sessions with parents. The names and certain details in these true case histories have been changed to protect each person’s identity and privacy.]