Apicontent

How does your relationship with your marriage partner compare with the following standard? “I appeal to you, dear brothers and sisters, by the authority of our Lord Jesus Christ, to live in harmony with each other. Let there be no divisions in the church. Rather, be of one mind, united in thought and purpose.” 1 Corinthians 1:10 (NLTSE)

That scripture’s standard doesn’t leave much leeway, does it? There’s little room for individuality or for you to do your own thing. But those who proceed into marriage with an individualistic mindset create disharmony in their relationship, and usually end up lonely and unhappy.

However, when two people come to the place where they have the same mind, the same judgment, the same outlook, and the same goals–yes, they have given up their individuality, but they don’t lose their creativity. The relationship is centered on cooperation rather than opposition. They are working together.

Cooperation creates the oil that makes an effective relationship possible. And the golden thread that runs through that oil is love. Not the kind of love the world offers, that is stimulated by other people and other things, but the kind of love that God gives you. His love enables you to let go of your own way.

His love will allow you to relate to the other person with an attitude that is described in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (presented here in the Philips translation).

The love of which I speak is:

Slow to lose patience.

It looks for a way to be constructive.

It’s not possessive.

It is neither anxious to impress, nor does it cherish inflated ideas of its own importance.

Love has good manners, and it does not pursue selfish advantage.

It is not touchy.

It does not compile statistics of evil or gloat over the wickedness of other people.

On the contrary, it is glad when truth prevails.

Love knows no limits of its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope. It can outlast anything, and it is, in fact, the one thing that still stands when all else has fallen.

When you have this kind of love, you have what no human being can give you – you have the foundation for building an effective marriage.

Take a step . . .

Do you have this kind of love? If not, and you find yourself struggling in the midst of holding on to your own individuality, take a moment to open your heart to God in prayer, asking Him to fill you with His kind of love.

“Lord, I’ve been wrong. Forgive me for wanting my own way. Fill me with your Spirit of love that will allow me the security to let my individuality go. I want my creativity to be centered on cooperation with my spouse, rather than opposition. In Jesus Name, Amen.”

Are you and your spouse not getting along?

The foundation upon which you build your marriage relationship is a mutually agreeable and mutually binding plan. That’s what makes marriage successful. It’s not a “tingle”; it’s a lifetime commitment. It’s not competition; it’s cooperation.

Is your partnership built on this foundation? You can measure the strength of your marriage by Paul’s instructions in 1 Corinthians 1:10 where he says, “I beseech you brethren, by the Name of the Lord Jesus Christ, that ye all speak the same thing, and that there be no divisions among you; but that ye be perfectly joined together in the same mind and in the same judgment.”

Just as teammates have to go into a game with the same plan, you and your partner must approach your marriage, not with the attitude of “me vs. you,” but with the attitude of being fully committed to the same plan.

“That sounds good,” you say, “but what happens when something happens and I find myself confronted by a stalemate, me on one side and my partner on the other?”

If you’re preoccupied with your partner’s choices because you feel your serenity, your peace, your joy, and your love are determined by those choices, you will struggle in the midst of a stalemate. You will find yourself exhibiting a selfish, antagonistic, competitive spirit.

However, if you access the Spirit of God, letting Him fill your heart with love, no matter what your partner does, you will exude a loving spirit. Your attitude will be cooperative, instead of competitive, because you have accessed the love of God.

When you are faced with difficulties in your marriage, you’ll be able to submit yourself to God’s will, which, according to Ephesians 5:22-23 teaches, “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body” (KJV).

The husband’s relationship to his wife must be the same as Jesus’ relationship to the church. His first responsibility is the well being of his wife – to help her become the finest, loveliest, best woman she could possibly be. When a husband leads the partnership in this way, with both partners’ attitudes established by the Spirit of God, the marriage will be satisfying for both individuals and they will be content and happy in the marriage.

Take a step . . .

You don’t have to have issues that go on and on. Are you willing to come to grips with the fact that you need to eliminate your spirit of selfishness and approach your relationship in a spirit of cooperation? Confess to God your need for his leadership in your life. Find one opportunity today to express to your spouse your new desire to have an attitude of cooperation.

“I want to be a better spouse.” You say this, thinking back over a multitude of incidents that make up the history of your family. Some of them were funny when they happened; others are funny only as we look back on them. Still others were serious. Some were puzzling.

There are months on end when a husband and wife get along beautifully; and then, out of the clear blue sky, there are frequent disagreements. Then, just as mysteriously, things clear up. This is the ebb and flow, the fascination, the never-ending variety, the multitude of moods that make up family living.

Seldom, if ever, do the circumstances of living together transform two people into an ever-loving, ever-agreeable, happy couple–fairy tales, popular love songs, romance movies, and a gamble of fate notwithstanding.

A solid marriage involves a much greater challenge than simply finding a partner with whom you live happily ever after. It is more than some strange chemistry that draws and holds you together forever. Soon after the wedding day, you realize that marriage is a test of your character.

A solid marriage does not depend on perfectly matched partners. It is a lifetime process dependent on many choices made by two free individuals who deliberately choose to get along and who continuously sacrifice personal freedom and self-interest for a mutually agreeable way of life.

Everyone has at least a few good points–ability, talent, a unique kind of charm, interesting mannerisms, or pleasing ways. But put two people together, and before long irritations, conflicts, and differences of opinion arise in spite of the assets.

Before I married, I intended to be the most congenial, friendly, easy-going husband–ever. I thought Eva would be the most congenial, friendly, easy-going wife–ever. One night, prior to our wedding, she looked up into my eyes and said, “Henry, I will spend the rest of my life making you happy.”

That sounded great! Imagine, someone wanting to do that, for me! I loved it!

I responded immediately, “Eva, I will do the same for you.” And I meant it. You can imagine what a tender moment that was! We did not know we could not live up to those promises.

We went skiing on our honeymoon and got along fine. But we hit a snag the first night home. I went to visit the guys. Nothing unusual or unpredictable about that. These men were my lifelong friends. For years we had hung out together and planned weekend excursions. That night we planned a weekend skiing trip. I went home and casually informed my wife, “I’m going skiing over the weekend with the guys.”

Remember her promise to make me happy? This was her first chance to make good on that promise!

She said, “Oh no, you’re not! You’re married now. And you’re going to spend the weekend with me.”

I was astonished, bewildered. I felt betrayed. Our first big conflict. It was quite a deal. We debated for several days before I finally got my way. No woman was going to tell me I could not go skiing!

What an attitude … on both our parts. It had not taken us long to discover that our commitment to make each other happy was a flimsy one. Our first few years together were stormy, for we were using our respective creativity and intelligence to outmaneuver each other. Our intentions had been good, but not our ability to carry those intentions out.

My wife and I were jolted. We figured marriage would banish conflicts. No more problems with parents or siblings or friends. We would do as we pleased and express ourselves freely. To our dismay, we clashed over simple decisions.

How is it possible to feel so harshly toward someone you once felt such tenderness for? How is it possible to be repulsed at the idea of being touched by a person who you once so desired that restraint was a constant problem? How is it possible to have such sharp, unresolved conflicts when you once got along so well?

It’s a matter of walls. Invisible walls that loom up and cut off affection, tenderness, and the will to work at your relationship as you did during dating days. And it happens in all marriages.

Steve and Julie were five years into their marriage when I met them. Their relationship seemed good, at least compared to other marriages they knew about. They had much in common and had similar personalities. They were proud of their two small children. Their work with newlyweds at church was a source of great joy. Yet there was a problem that kept coming up. A wall had been constructed between them by their own hands. They were unable to see it until it was too late and they crashed into it, resulting in an “every-few-months blow-up.”

It could start in a number of ways, usually something small, like plans for the weekend. Steve arrived home from work ready to relax and recover from a hard week. “Hi, honey, I’m home,” was his greeting.

Julie, glad to see him, asked him about his workday and listened with interest as he related the events since he had left that morning. Sounds pretty good so far, doesn’t it? However, the fireworks are just about to get underway.

Julie was anxious to get the weekend planned since she liked to know what they would be doing to avoid wasting precious family time. “I hear the weather is going to be beautiful all weekend. Let’s go to the nursery Saturday morning and get some flowers to plant in the front yard. How about if we go out to that restaurant by the lake with some friends tomorrow night? I need to line up a babysitter now if we are going. What do you think?

What man would not be thrilled to come home to a wife who is so excited about the weekend? After all, she went to all of the trouble to think about their activities; surely Steve would be thrilled. However, Steve is the kind of guy who likes to have some unplanned time. His preference is to get up Saturday morning, after sleeping late, and do whatever comes to mind.

“Whoa, I’m tired, Julie. Why do we always have to have something planned? I just want to relax. We’ll see.”

Fuming, Julie withdrew into the kitchen, slamming pots and pans as she prepared dinner.

This exchange is a perfect example of Ezekiel 33:31, “… with their mouth they show much love, but their hearts pursue their own gain.”

This issue of weekend plans in and of itself doesn’t seem to be a big enough deal to precipitate a major problem between two people who love each other and truly enjoy each other’s company. Yet it is surprising how such a small bump can liberate all of the grievances we hold in our cup. Steve followed her into the kitchen and asked what was wrong. “Oh, nothing,” she said. If he doesn’t care enough about me to know how I feel, I’m sure not going to spell it out for him, she thought.

When Steve pressed her a few more times, Julie began to reel off all of the things she had been holding against him since the last big blowup. “You know I love being home with the kids, but just once in a while I wish we could go out. It’s been over a month. And I walk by that pathetic front yard every day. The weeds have taken over, and the spring rains have washed out most of the good dirt. The neighbors are starting to think that we just don’t care how our property looks.”

Steve met each charge as his own attorney for the defense, arguing passionately for his position with logic and skill in an effort to confuse and defeat her. “Don’t you think I want to go out? We agreed that we were going to try and cut back on our spending this month; besides, since when do we let our neighbors dictate to us how we spend our time and money? I agree these things need to be done, but we can’t do everything in the same day.”

Julie was ready for a rebuttal! “I’m not expecting everything to be done on the same day. I’ve been talking about this for weeks and nothing is happening. You also agreed that we need to paint the house and update our budget. Yet somehow you found time to go on that rafting trip last weekend.”

Now she had gone too far. Steve felt she was being ridiculous. “That’s not fair. You’re out of control. You encouraged me to go on that trip. Where is all of this coming from?”

The answer comes from another scripture passage: “Where do wars and fights come from among you? Do they not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your members?” (James 4:1).

At this point, the argument took on a “same old, same old” quality.

“I just want to make a plan. Is that so terrible? Why can’t you ever take the initiative on something? Aren’t you supposed to be the leader in our home?” Julie asked.

“Wait a minute, I work hard to make a good living for us. Don’t I get any credit for that?” Steve retorted.

“I can never say anything when you’re in a bad mood like this. You need to get right with God,” Julie admonished.

“I guess I should just realize that everything is my fault, Miss Perfect. How can you be so judgmental? You’re unbelievable!” Steve shot back.

When Julie’s irritations met Steve’s annoyance, the bricks they hurled at each other built a wall neither of them could see beyond. Soon anger was obviously a much bigger problem than their original difference of opinion, and the focus changed.

Finally, tired of fighting and satisfied that they had each made their points, they would make up. One would call a truce, and they would make some decision about the original disagreement. They would remove some of the bricks, but the wall of their individual self-centeredness remained. And they kept running into it.

It is incredible that people can get so distressed over such little things. But we do. One incident does not mean much, but the daily grind takes its toll. After a while, resentment sets in. One disagreement does not amount to much. Enough of them over a period of time build an invisible, divisive wall. In counseling, I hear many a puzzled spouse say, “We are just not close anymore.” “I can’t stand him even touching me. There’s nothing between us.” These statements are made by people who once thought marriage to that same person was a great idea.

In the thrill of romance during dating, the differences between you may have been ignored. After marriage, you are apt to declare that you do not want to give up who you are. The bricks are laid in place between you.

No one gets married planning madness. All of the dreaming and planning is about growing closer and more intimate, not about building walls of isolation between each other. We anticipate warm glances and friendly greetings, not cold stares and sarcastic remarks. We dream of fun family vacations, not dealing with disobedient children. We have found a soulmate, not an opponent! Where does this ship sailing toward marital bliss run onto the shoals of anger, bitterness, and estrangement?

To the single person, marriage is often viewed as a destination. Just getting there will be the key to living happily ever after. Soon after arrival, however, the destination turns into a journey, one filled with the possibilities of great happiness as well as the potential for great pain.

The journey at first seems mysterious, with many unexplained twists and turns that make you ill at ease. Soon, seeking to put some order into the situation, you construct a set of rules to live by. This is designed to prevent surprises so that you will always know what to expect from each other. But when the rules fail in the guarantee of happiness and the avoidance of pain, it becomes obvious that marriage must be about something more than rules.

It is clear to me, after years of living, counseling, and being married, that though there is mystery, it is merely the mystery of the human heart. And the human heart is forever turning to its own way. Isaiah 53:6 tells us, “We have turned, every one, to his own way.”

The journey is itself a series of destinations: to remain Christ-like, to communicate, to be like-minded, to live out proper roles, and to depend on God to lead and empower your marriage every step of the way.

Selfishness is a sin. Call it independence, call it a strong will, call it knowing your own mind–it’s still sin. The invisible walls that divide us will only be dismantled when we turn to God with repentant hearts and let Him cleanse our lives and fill them with His Spirit. We must seek to be unselfish and other centered as we build a marriage that will go the distance.

Have you ever heard these lines? “Oh, to dwell there above with the saints that we love, that would be glory. But to dwell here below with the saints that we know, that’s another story!”

Between now and the time we arrive in heaven, we’ve got some living to do together, don’t we? That’s the other story. Let’s take a look at that story, because it can turn out to be a happy journey.

Whenever a young man and woman get together, and they talk about getting married, can you picture them having this kind of a conversation? Where the guy says to his girl, “Boy, you sure bug me. You know you bother me more than you give me pleasure, and we’re always fighting with each other, and it’s a very difficult thing for us to find a basis for getting along. Why don’t we do this the rest of our lives? Will you marry me?”

Can you imagine that kind of a conversation? That’s ridiculous. Nobody gets married without the highest of hopes that theirs is going to be one of the finest, friendliest, most congenial, most satisfying relationships that anybody ever had. And that is a possibility. It is possible to live that kind of life. However, we need to stop and consider what goes into a relationship that will guarantee happiness and contentment and satisfaction.

Ephesians 5:18-25 talks about the ingredients and personality factors that each partner needs to bring to the marriage, “Be filled with the Spirit.” Being filled with the Spirit means depending on God to make you the person you need to be in the relationship. It means you are allowing God to fill you with the fruit of the Spirit “love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control” (Galatians 5:22-23, NKJV).

Sometimes a man will read Ephesians 5:22, “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands,” and he wrongly interprets that to mean that he is the boss and his wife has no say. However, if he reads further, the next verse says, “the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body.”

Fulfilling the role of “head” is a big undertaking and can only be accomplished if a man chooses to allow God to fill him with his Spirit. Then, he can be the head of the wife in such a way that involves walking in the Spirit.

It is equally important for the wife to be filled with God’s Spirit, and submit to it, so that she can be subject to her husband as Ephesians 5:22 says. Then, the relationship works in God’s way, because you are both “submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God” (Ephesians 5:21).

You may be thinking, “With all this submission, where does my personal freedom come in, and what about my independence? Maybe if my partner would change, then I would be able to submit to the Lord.” However, the same principle applies to marriage as to any other relationship. Whenever two or more people get together, both of you give up your rights. You’ve got to cooperate. That’s the nature of marriage.

You see, the preparation for marriage is spiritual, and a man and a woman must find a mutually agreeable and a mutually binding way of life. 1 Corinthians 1:10 spells it out in Biblical terms, “I beseech you, brethren, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that ye all speak the same thing, and that there be no divisions among you; but that ye be perfectly joined together in the same mind and in the same judgment.”

Take a step . . .

Take some time to consider your current relationship. Are you submitting to the Spirit of God? Are you bringing to the relationship an attitude of cooperation? Ask God to change your focus and to enable you to surrender to Him. Ask Him to make your relationship all that it should be!

“Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord.” (Ephesians 5:22)

There it is. One of the most fiercely debated Bible verses concerning marriage. “Why should the wife do all the submitting?” That is the hot question. But here is the greater truth: the wife is not the one who needs to do all the submitting … this verse does not stand alone.

Remember the one before it? “… submitting to one another in the fear of God” (Ephesians 5:21).

And here’s one more: “Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others” (Philippians 2:4).

So what does submission really mean? Actually, the matter of submission becomes important when opinions differ over a decision even with all the facts on the table. The only solution is to submit to the judgment of a tiebreaker.

Tom and Dennis had been friends for years. Both were computer wizards and had held executive positions. Across the years, they talked often about their work and developed respect and admiration for each other. Both had saved large sums of their huge salaries. They pooled their savings and purchased a consulting company, which provided computer training and assessment for large corporations–a dream come true.

Now these fine, experienced, Christian gentlemen could pool their knowledge. It would be great fun to work as equal partners. They had a nice, new building with an expensive conference room. Here they held their idea sessions.

Soon, they realized they had some acute problems. They differed about handling employees. They were having trouble dividing up the responsibilities, and neither knew enough about accounting.

Their fancy conference room could not solve their problems. Even friendship, knowledge, experience, and dedication were not enough to settle the differences.

Most of their problems resulted from having done things differently–and successfully–for years. Tom was used to giving instructions and expecting them to be carried out. He had been the boss. So had Dennis. Now they were partners–with brilliant, but differing ideas. It was not a matter of right or wrong.

They were able to discuss their differences. They clearly defined and understood each other’s viewpoints. But they deadlocked when it came to making decisions. Honesty, understanding, respect, knowledge, and experience did not settle the deadlocks. The theory that two friendly partners can each do their own thing was not working.

They were frustrated and irate. They even had a few shouting matches, with both of them storming angrily out of their beautiful conference room–and ultimately into a counseling office.

We agreed there were two basic problems: (1) each had turned to his own way and (2) both needed God’s love.

Sound familiar? So what should they do? First, each one of them needed to repent, asking God to forgive them individually and to fill their hearts with His love. They needed a love that is patient, does not seek its own way, is not provoked, and rejoices in the truth (as described in 1st Corinthians).

Tom and Dennis did this, but they still needed to resolve their differences. They went to an outside consultant who really dropped a bombshell: “You must choose a president who will then settle the disagreements.”

But…but…we are equal partners.

“True. However, there is just no other way to solve your disagreements. You also need outside help with your accounting.”

This was a bitter pill to swallow, but it was either follow the advice or lose the business.

After weeks of agonizing, they chose Dennis to be the president. They spent the next months dividing up responsibilities and developing policies and procedures both of them could live with.

Both men preferred managing the sales and neither one wanted advertising, purchasing, or supervising the office staff. But all the work had to be done. Here is how they distributed some of the duties:

1. Tom managed the office, personnel relations, and maintenance.
2. Dennis got sales, advertising, and engineering.
3. They divided purchasing. Tom made the purchases for the office; Dennis for external needs. Tom became technical director.

They were still equal partners, both vitally interested in all areas of the business. They consulted each other, reviewed any decisions they wished to, and participated equally in making them. Tom had the last word in the office with Dennis contributing his knowledge occasionally. In the field, Dennis made the decisions with Tom contributing his knowledge occasionally.

However, Dennis, as president, had the last word in any decision. Rarely did he overrule Tom, but it did happen occasionally. They once were deadlocked over whether to buy a new or used computer. It almost killed Dennis to overrule his knowledgeable friend, but there was no other way. They could not argue endlessly over a machine.

The business grew and prospered. Tom and Dennis enjoyed working together. They learned to know each other better and developed confidence in each other’s decision-making ability–a process that took many months.

As Tom and Dennis reviewed their rocky beginning, both admitted they were vaguely aware the question of the last word would have to be settled. They had pushed the question out of their thinking, hoping it would go away. They both wanted to be president, but their pride made it impossible for them to make the selection.

Let us switch from Tom and Dennis to your marriage.

You are equal partners making decisions in marriage. Responsibilities must be divided up. You need policies, procedures, and rules in order to work cooperatively as well as independently.

There are some mothers who could not possibly take on any additional family responsibilities. Then, there are those moms who breeze through the chores at home and are ready for something else by 10:00 a.m. every morning.

When my wife and I first started in this business of raising a family, we got together and listed all of our responsibilities. (Notice I said our responsibilities, not my wife’s responsibilities or my responsibilities). Just a few of the many we detailed were housecleaning, money management, cooking, writing, radio work, children, cleaning the yard, travel planning, running a business, raising money, and food purchasing. Then we divvied them up. My wife got money management, travel agent, housecleaning, cooking, children, food purchasing, and a bunch more. I was assigned writing, radio work, cleaning the yard, running a business, and raising money. These were assignments on the basis of training, ability, interest, and necessity.

How we met the responsibilities was not the question. The assignment was simple: these were the responsibilities each of us was to carry out. If my wife decided to add responsibilities outside the home, fine. But she would have to figure out some way to carry out the primary tasks for our family that we had agreed upon.

The same went for any other activities I took on. It was okay as long as I kept my primary family responsibilities going. Of course, the tasks kept changing as the children grew and demands on our time changed.

In all our planning and assigning, we kept one thing in mind: that plan of ours had to be a family plan. We made sure to remember that it was a Brandt plan, not Henry’s plan or Eva’s plan. It was our plan, and we had to carry out our responsibilities.

Remember, you are equal partners. You are both vitally interested in all areas of the marriage. As in a business, consult with each other and participate in making decisions and reviewing them.

The wife usually has the last word in her areas of responsibility. She is the decision maker; her husband, the resource person. In his area, the husband makes the decisions, and his wife contributes her knowledge. Mostly they work independently in their areas within mutually agreed upon guidelines.

You will enjoy working together as you know each other better and gain confidence in each other’s decision-making ability. Developing faith and trust takes many months. Forging a new way of life from your different backgrounds takes time and patience.

To illustrate how a husband and wife practice submission to one another and to the head, here are three decisions made at our house.

Once, my wife and I decided to buy a stereo. It would be a pleasant feature in our home. So we went shopping together, happily expecting to make an easy choice. We looked at one for $70 and another for $700. One of us preferred the cheaper model; the other the expensive one. We got so hung up on the decision, we tabled it until the next evening. It would be simple. The best viewpoint would win.

The next evening I let her go first. I could hardly believe her presentation. Jumbled. No logic. No substance. How could she present such a feeble point of view?

When my turn came, I was confident, thinking, “She will be impressed with my presentation.” So I gave it. It was systematic. It considered all aspects. It was logical. Funny thing, though. She did not think so. My presentation did not convince her to change her point of view. We were deadlocked!

We were facing one of those situations in marriage where everything had been said that could be said. All the facts were in. Still, we were on opposite sides.

And it will happen to you. Regardless of how dedicated or friendly you are, there will be deadlocks like this in your marriage. It is a controversial issue, but it must be settled.

Here comes the answer to how you settle a deadlock in marriage. There is only one way. The husband has the last word. He has two options: 1) make the decision himself, or 2) ask his wife to make it.

I settled the stereo deadlock by making the decision on which model we bought.

It was a grave, serious moment when Eva and I were deadlocked. She was as committed to this marriage as I. She and I both wanted the best for the marriage. This was not the time to be selfish or ignore her judgment. It took a few days to ponder the issues, but the responsibility for making the decision was mine. Soon, we were past the decision and enjoyed years of pleasant listening.

Here’s another decision we had to make.

We were moving into a new home and had to decide the layout and decor of the kitchen. We both agreed that I knew nothing about kitchens. Eva had been around them at least thirty-five years, and besides, she was the one who would use it.

Who do you think should have carried the ball on kitchen decisions? The answer was obvious–Eva! That is how it was. There was no deadlock or even any question. It was obvious she would have the final say. We had many discussions about how to do it, but in this case, she was the decision maker and had the last word. After all, she was the expert and the expert should make the decisions.

Here’s a time when we compromised after many discussions. The children even tossed in their opinions this time. It had to do with buying a new couch. The one we had was an unsightly piece of furniture, really broken down.

Although we had little money to spare, we did have just enough for a new couch. Eva and I were ready to buy one when a complication arose. School let out for the year and the children, who ranged in age from ten to fourteen, wanted to accompany me on a speaking trip a month later to Boston.

Only one catch. We did not have enough money to go to Boston as a family and still buy a couch. It was one or the other. Which to do? We batted it around for a few weeks. I discussed it with Eva. Eva discussed it with the children. I discussed it with the children. We all discussed it together at meals.

Either way, the family would have to do without something. A couch or a trip. It was a tough decision. I found myself on both sides of the question. So did Eva and the children. We kept tabling the matter. Finally, there were only a few days left before we would have to leave on the trip.

One point kept coming up in all the discussions.

“Dad, I sort of like our couch even though it is all beat up,” one of the children would invariably say.

And it was true. Even the gang from church seemed to enjoy the old couch. They would come in and throw their bodies into its beat-up frame without any reservation or worry of further damage.

“Well, I guess we have done OK with this couch up to this moment. Another year will not hurt us.”

With that comment, I decided to take the family with me to Boston.

We came home, happy with the trip but still facing a decrepit, old couch. During the next year, all of us at one time or another wondered if we had made the right decision.

The couch was so bad that when we replaced it a year later, we called Goodwill Industries to come and take it away. And, you know, they turned it down. We had to put it out with the trash.

Some seemingly easy decisions can become complicated. There are no clear-cut solutions. But when the decisions are made, the issues are settled. You go on from there. However the person who is leading settles the deadlock, both must submit to the decision and do all in their power to make it work.