Apicontent

We have all heard someone wistfully say:

“If I could only get that promotion, then I would be happy.”

“Being a stay at home mom is degrading. If only I had a job, then I would be happy.”

“If my husband would only pay more attention to me, then I would be happy.”

“If only our children would obey, then we’d be happy.”

We tend to want the golden pot at the end of the rainbow, that something in the future that will bring us happiness—a new experience, a new success, a new degree of cooperation or respect or obedience from the people around us, or even a new someone.

I’ve listened to many people describe their new circumstances with excitement in their voices. Their eyes sparkle and happy smiles light up their faces. Generally, such optimism consumes us when there are prospects for something new in the future.

“I’m getting married.”

“I’m starting a new job.”

“I made a wonderful investment.”

“We are building a new house.”

“We are expecting a baby.”

“I’m starting a new business.”

“We are taking a trip.”

“I’m going to college.”

I’ve also listened to these same people who have been in their “new” situations for a while—perhaps years. Sometimes their hopes have turned to ashes. As they recount their current predicaments their eyes are slits, the corners of their mouths are turned down, their voices tremble.

“My wife drives me crazy.”

“My husband is selfish.”

“My boss is unmerciful.”

“My investment was a poor choice, I lost everything.”

“We have all kinds of problems with our new house.”

“The baby cries all night.”

“My business takes up all of my time.”

“Our trip was awful.”

“I hate college.”

We all know people—perhaps our own children, parents, or close friends—who have spent a great deal of time and energy in pursuit of education, wealth, power, social life, or religious standing. Their goal was a fulfilled, contented, happy, productive life. But they’ve ended up depressed, angry, bitter, frustrated, or empty, with broken hearts and failed relationships. They didn’t learn “to be content in whatever circumstances” they were in.

Jenny and Josh—A Marriage on the Brink of Destruction

The tragedy of seeking happiness from human relationships is illustrated by Jenny and Josh.

They started their marriage with the highest of hopes. Jenny had been a very lonely, unhappy person who had fled her unhappy childhood home and was living alone. Josh had been raised in a family broken by a divorce. He was an independent person who did as he pleased. Jenny liked his happy-go-lucky manner.

Their courtship was brief, a few months of whirlwind dating, a short engagement, and then marriage and a happy life together (they thought).

However, it took only a few months for them to discover that marriage was not the answer to their individual quests for happiness. Josh continued his independent ways, going and coming as he pleased. Maybe he came home straight from work, maybe not. He didn’t feel the need to keep Jenny informed as to his whereabouts.

On the days when Josh didn’t come straight home from work, when he did happen to arrive at home he was confronted by a predictably cold, untouchable, angry woman. After listening to her tirades for a while, he would become increasingly disgusted and end up leaving the house again, shouting at her as he slammed the door behind him.

They stuck it out for eleven long, miserable years—with Jenny griping and complaining the entire time. Josh just ignored her and continued to do his own thing.

Finally, he announced that he was moving out, leaving their two children for Jenny to worry about. He moved in with a girlfriend.

As Jenny told me their story, it was obvious that she was desperate. Her hands doubled into fists. Her voice shrilled. The tensed muscles in her jaw distorted her beautiful face.

“He comes home once a week to see the children,” she told me. “We have a boy, age nine, and a girl, almost eleven. All week long I have to fuss with those kids. Then on the weekend, here comes Josh. He’s relaxed, smug, and happy. It makes me furious.”

If Josh is relaxed when he arrives, it doesn’t last long. Jenny furiously berates him with all the hostile words she can think of. Each visit ends the same way. Jenny complains and criticizes until Josh finally blows up. The two of them start shouting at each other, even hitting each other.

“Every week is like a war,” she said. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t want a divorce. I want my marriage back. But I can’t stand the sight of that man.”

By now, I suppose you have already taken sides and perhaps wonder where I stand.

Obviously, Josh is doing wrong. Even in our permissive society, very few Bible-believing Christians would condone his living arrangement with his girlfriend—especially when he is still married to Jenny. The Bible is crystal clear on this: “You must not commit adultery” (Deuteronomy 5:18).

But Josh insists that his wife’s behavior is driving him into his girlfriend’s arms. However, just because he says that is what he believes, doesn’t make it true. He is clearly wrong. At the same time, when Jenny storms around the house with anger, hostility, bitterness, and hatred, she surely isn’t hurting Josh or his girlfriend. They aren’t there. She is alone, hurting only herself.

All this is going on underneath her own skin. And this is a key principle.

Jenny insists that Josh causes her condition. If he would shape up, she would be a pleasant, responsive, happy woman. Because she says it so passionately, however, doesn’t make her right. She also is wrong.

Jenny and Josh have two problems, not one.

1. What to do about their marriage.
2. What to do about themselves.

And the second needs to be dealt with first. Before anything can be done about their marriage, they individually need to do something about themselves.

Josh refused to come to me for counseling, but Jenny came to see me again.

“Tell me how to find contentment in this mess,” she pleaded. “I really do want to save my marriage.”

What she really needed was some instruction. So together, we took a look at some Bible verses.

Galatians 5 tells us,

When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God.—vv. 19–21

Our “sinful nature” comes from within. Other people may give occasion for us to express it, but they don’t cause it.

Which of these apply to Jenny? Hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, and envy.

As we discussed her role in their conflict, she shouted, “What about Josh? He’s a lying, two-faced adulterer and blames me for driving him into that woman’s arms.”

True. Which of these apply to Josh? In addition, to those that apply to Jenny, sexual immorality, impurity, and lustful pleasures.

They both have allowed the sinful nature to take control of their lives. If both Jenny and Josh had a cold, each would need to be treated for his or her own cold. Likewise, each needs to deal with his or her own personal sinful nature.

The good news is that Galatians goes on to say,

But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. —vv. 22–23

What a relief it would be for Jenny to be filled with such a Spirit and experience all he has to offer. What a delight for her to share her love, joy, and peace with Josh.

“Why should I treat him like that?” she grumbled. “He doesn’t deserve it.”

True. He doesn’t. But why should he ruin her inner life and spoil her evenings?

Jenny was noncommittal when she left my office. I find it strange that we readily accept and defend our outbursts of anger, disputes, and strife and steadfastly resist love, joy, and peace when it is offered to us so freely.

I’ve learned from many of my clients that the one who is mistreated tends to be preoccupied with the misdeeds of the offending one while at the same time justifying their own personal negative behavior or reactions toward the offending person, even at the cost of personal misery.

However, the next time Jenny came to see me, I hardly recognized her. Her face was relaxed and the shrillness was gone from her voice. She was beautiful, content, and happy.

What had happened?

She had repented of her nastiness and had asked God to fill her with his Holy Spirit. She had dealt with herself.

“I realized that I needed to take responsibility for myself. I really do want to save my marriage,” she said.

“Alright, then,” I replied. “What I am about to share with you may seem difficult, but let me assure you that, with God’s help, you can do it. The next time Josh comes over, melt into his arms and give him a kiss such as you have never given him before.”

Her response to that was: “Ugh.”

“But let me warn you,” I went on. “Don’t be surprised if he doesn’t respond.”

Sure enough, the next time Josh showed up, she melted into his arms, and he got out of there and drove off. He didn’t know how to handle such behavior and fled, wondering what she was up to.

Jenny had her lapses, but she continued to ask God to fill her with his qualities. Over time, Josh’s visits became mutually pleasant experiences. He eventually wanted to find what Jenny had found. He asked her to explain how and why she had changed so drastically.

Jenny simply explained to him that she had become so preoccupied with his misdeeds that she had become totally blind to her own. When it dawned on her that her meanness was her own doing, she had confessed the fact to the Lord, asked him to forgive her, to cleanse her, and to strengthen her with his Spirit. When she saw clearly that she had been blaming Josh for her choices, by an act of her own will she took responsibility for her choices.

Peace and love come from God.

 “I was very wrong in the way I treated you, Josh,” she said. “And I’m sorry. Please forgive me. With God’s help I intend to respond to you as a wife should. I know that I cannot control what you do, but I am going to love you as I should.”

Josh went away convinced that Jenny was laying a trap. From that point on, when Josh came over, he was looking for a fight. Jenny took months of mistreatment in exchange for her friendly, quiet manner.

Finally, Josh was convinced that the new Jenny had something, and one day, all alone, he asked Jesus to invade his life, forgive him for his adulterous, selfish ways, and give him the Spirit Jenny had.

Today they are united as a family. They found the key to happiness. They found that peace and love come from God, not from human relationships.

Dave and Lisa—Empty Success

Dave and Lisa exemplify the futility of seeking happiness through financial success and accomplishments.

 Dave is a big, strong, brilliant, talented man. He moved from extreme poverty as a child to reach a boyhood dream of owning his own business and becoming financially independent. Lisa is an energetic, personable, competent woman. They lived in California, not far from Yosemite National Park, and started renting trailers to people who wanted to haul their camping gear up the mountain. This was way back before anyone had even imagined RVs!

It was a family business. Together, Dave and Lisa installed hitches on the back bumpers of cars, hooked up trailers, and watched families happily head for Yosemite. The playground for their small children was the trailer lot, which was also the front yard of their house.

Their customers began asking if a refrigerator could be installed in their trailers. Then they wanted a refrigerator and a cupboard. Then a tent trailer. Every change added weight to the trailers until they were so heavy the cars heated up when they pulled them up the mountain.

If only he could eliminate the car. Dave was a dreamer, an innovator, a pioneer, and so, he started working on plans to produce a motor home that could be sold for half the price of current models.

For fourteen years Dave poured his entire life into the challenge of developing a motor-driven recreational vehicle. A company finally agreed to produce it, and quickly this motorhome company was out producing and outselling all the competitors in the United States. Dave’s dream was coming true. His idea was an industry changing concept and his perseverance a success story. And … at the center of Dave and Lisa’s dream was financial success.

However, Dave and Lisa were not people who desired financial success purely for themselves.

One of their employees needed an operation and they paid the entire bill. They helped several employees make down payments on their homes. Another employee was confined to a wheelchair, and Dave hired him to wait on customers. “He is a capable person, and his personality and efficiency benefit our company,” Dave said. Dave even arranged to have a special room built onto this man’s house, designed to make life as comfortable as possible for him.

So, Dave was a nice guy, wasn’t he? He was pleased because his idea made a contribution to making life more enjoyable for American families. He ultimately walked away from his business with several million dollars. He’d done it. Now he could take it easy the rest of his life. It was just a matter of picking the place to retire.

Dave and Lisa’s search ended when they chose a plush condominium on one of Florida’s choicest oceanfront sites. “All my life I figured happiness would come when I reached this level in life,” he said. “Now I can almost taste it.”

Dave and Lisa arrived in Florida ready to enjoy life fully. They accumulated the obligatory fancy car, fishing boat, and twin-engine plane.

So, Dave started into the good life. One day he would play golf. The next morning, walk the beach. Then he and Lisa would jump in the plane and fly over to Nassau for lunch. In the afternoon they would fly back and play tennis. There was scuba diving, and deep-sea fishing, and lazy afternoons at the beach. If Dave and his family got bored with southern Florida, they could fly back to California to Lisa’s parents’ home (all 5,000 square feet of it that Dave and Lisa had purchased for them) nestled on twenty acres, replete with fruit trees. While they were there, the family could use their five ATVs and go hill climbing. If the United States didn’t present enough excitement, they could take off for Mexico … South America … Europe…the world. And they did.

Quite a change of life for a boy who was born at the tail end of the Depression and didn’t have enough money to even buy shoes for school. He’d made it. And big.

Or had he?

“No. I hadn’t,” Dave confided to me. “I had expected happiness to come with a better job … more money … the ultimate life. But after a few months of nonstop golf, tennis, and walking the beach, I found it wasn’t true. I was completely empty.”

You don’t believe it, do you? How could Dave and Lisa have an empty life with all those advantages? Even though Dave was an American success story and Mr. Nice Guy when it came to consideration for his fellow man … still, he was empty. After fourteen years of hard work focused upon reaching a goal, doing good things for fellow men along the way, he was now free to do anything his heart desired. And what did he find? Emptiness.

Happiness and contentment are not dependent on people or circumstances. They come from a person’s relationship with God.

Lisa was by his side all the way. However, she too, was dissatisfied. Many of her hopes for her family turned to ashes. There was discord among the children. There were strained relations between her and Dave.

I walked along the beautiful Florida beaches with Lisa and Dave, listening to their story of emptiness and hopelessness. What, or where, is the key to happiness? For Lisa and Dave, hard work, success, and wealth had led to an empty pot at the end of the rainbow.

However, there is a happy ending. Dave and Lisa came to realize that hostility, quarreling, jealousy, selfish ambition, dissension, division, and envy were robbing them of the good life they had worked so hard to find.

The solution that worked for Jenny and Josh also worked for them—confession, repentance, receiving forgiveness and cleansing, and allowing God to strengthen them day by day.

The change in their lives has been incredible. Their marriage relationship tension has slipped away. Family problems continue but no longer tear up their world. They don’t have to travel around the world to find happiness and contentment. They have discovered the basic truth that happiness and contentment are not dependent on people or circumstances. They come from a person’s relationship with God. Only God can give love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

Questions for Reflection/Discussion:

1. Honestly, what are your “If only …” situations?
2. When is the last time you said, “I was wrong”? Is there a situation in your life currently that you need to begin to correct by saying these words? When are you going to take care of this situation?
3. What is presently standing in your way of owning your own happiness?

Memorize: Galatians 5:22–23

But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

Almost everyone who comes to my office for counseling has been in pursuit of the advantages of life, but something has seemed to stand in their way. Their happiness and sense of self-worth or self-respect have been shattered. If their self-worth and self-respect are intact, then the lack of joy in their life is attributed to the behavior of an offending person or to circumstances that have shifted to one’s disadvantage. It as if they are playing an advantages/disadvantages game.

Let me list some of the advantages I have seen people chasing and some of their perceived corollary disadvantages.

Advantages                        Disadvantages

education                               lack of education
wealth                                    poverty
high position                         low position
physical beauty                     plain or ordinary
fame                                       insignificance
popular                                  unnoticed
healthy                                   unwell
singleness/marriage             marriage/singleness
financially secure                 living paycheck to paycheck

My clients tell me that advantages or overcoming disadvantages does not lead to contentment, joy, peace, or a sense of self-worth or self-respect. We all know that the lives of the famous and the popular often end in misery. The same goes for the healthy, the educated, those in authority, and even those who believe they are financially secure. It’s a frustrating world. Technology, mechanical failures, impolite and careless people, social errors, noisy children, misunderstandings, and poor planning seem to make us angry—in spite of advantages.

One couple came to see me in separate cars because they couldn’t stand to be in the same car together. One car was a Cadillac, the other a Mercedes. They lived in a beautiful, professionally decorated house. They had unlimited financial wealth, they but couldn’t purchase friendship or happiness.

Another client had responsibility for several thousand employees and yet he came to see me because he was tremendously unhappy. He had plenty of power, but he couldn’t control the tension and bitterness in his body.

By now you get my point. Surely, anyone would prefer to be educated, wealthy, powerful, and contented rather than uneducated, poor, powerless, and contented. Nothing against advantages, you understand. But it is clear that advantages are just that—advantages. They, in themselves, do not produce happiness, contentment, joy, peace, or a sense of self-worth or self-respect. If you play the advantages/disadvantages game, you’ll always eventually come up a loser.

If advantages don’t produce positive inner qualities, what does?

There is an answer.

Three Steps to Happiness

In Matthew 22:37–39,

Jesus tells us, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: Love your neighbor as yourself.”

The key to experiencing happiness boils down to this:

1. Love God.
2. Love your neighbor.
3. Love yourself.

Happiness is not produced by the advantages and disadvantages in your life. It is a product of your priorities. In a world that values stuff, and lots of it, prestige, and power, it is hard for us to wrap our heads around the idea that God needs to be first in our lives.

In presenting this idea to my clients, it often leaves them cold and unresponsive at first glance. They don’t want God in their lives, they want happiness! And happiness comes from earning enough money, getting an education, being understood, and having an understanding spouse, obedient children, and appreciative friends, doesn’t it?

Happiness is a product of your priorities.

The answer to that question depends on whether you believe Jesus knows what he is talking about. As for me, if Jesus said it, there is no need for a survey or research project to prove his statements. Your response to Jesus will not be changed by a further statement on my part that I have seen thousands of changed lives verifying his teaching.

The only way for you to evaluate the advice of Jesus is to take a step of faith and prove it to yourself. Take him at his Word and launch out on your own quest to prove the truth of what he says. If you choose to pursue this adventure, commit a year, or two—or better yet, five—to finding out. Make a commitment to truly pursue the life God has for you.

Step 1: Love God

Jesus said, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.” What does this mean? It means you must commit yourself to falling in love with Jesus. You give your quest all you’ve got.

How do you know if you love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind? One of Jesus’ disciples asked him a similar question and Jesus replied, “Those who accept my commandments and obey them are the ones who love me” (John 14:21).

To know and accept his commandments is no easy process. They are contained in a big, thick book called the Bible. To become familiar with the commandments of Jesus means you will need to take the time to read and study and apply the Bible to your own life. To dig into that book can seem to be a daunting task. Is it worth it? Why should you take Jesus and his commandments seriously? Let him speak for himself. He said to his disciples, “I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me” (John 16:33) and “so that you will be filled with my joy” (John 15:11).

King David, one of the wisest men who ever lived, offered this advice:

Oh, the joys of those who do not
follow the advice of the wicked,
or stand around with sinners,
or join in with mockers.
But they delight in the law of the Lord,
meditating on it day and night.
—Psalm 1:1–2

Surely some of you have tried to read the Bible, only to find it to be a dull and meaningless book. You must begin your quest with awakening a love for God. You may have doubts. Accept them and take a step of faith. Let me assure you that your step of faith will be rewarded.

However, before you begin, there is a preliminary step that you must take if God’s Word is to mean something to you.

Anyone who belongs to God listens gladly to the words of God. But you don’t listen because you don’t belong to God.—John 8:47

People who aren’t spiritual can’t receive these truths from God’s Spirit. It all sounds foolish to them and they can’t understand it, for only those who are spiritual can understand what the Spirit means. —1 Corinthians 2:14

What do these verses mean? They are telling us that in order for us to understand God’s Word, we must enter into a relationship with him. Accepting Jesus Christ and his sacrifice for your sin is the foundation for your relationship with God. It’s like saying that calculus is meaningless to the student unless he has a mathematical background. Likewise, the Bible is dead to you unless you have a relationship with God.

In the book of Revelation, Jesus said,

I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends.— Revelation 3:20.

As an act of faith, open the door or your heart and Jesus will come in and empower you to become a child of God. Then, and only then, will you discover the truth of the words of Jesus when he said,

Those who accept my commandments and obey them are the ones who love me. And because they love me, my Father will love them. And I will love them and reveal myself to each of them. —John 14:21

As God reveals himself to you, his commandments will come alive and you will discover that he is leading you to happiness, contentment, peace, joy, stability, and blessing.

Step 2: Love Your Neighbor

In Matthew 22:39, Jesus said, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” He also said, “This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” (John 15:12–13).

The apostle Paul instructed the Galatian Christians:

For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love. For the whole law can be summed up in this one command: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ But if you are always biting and devouring one another, watch out! Beware of destroying one another. —Galatians 5:12–15

Loving others can be hard! But notice that loving others comes after we love God. It is because of our love relationship with God that we are able to love others. And Paul’s instruction tells us what that love means: serving and not destroying others. When we focus our attention on loving others we find happiness ourselves.

Step 3: Love Yourself

Jesus’ directive in Matthew 22 is to “Love your neighbor as yourself” (emphasis added). In my experience, it seems that the simplest way to get people started on keeping God’s commandments is to get them working on themselves. I find that when I have a sense of improvement in my attitude and reactions to the people who cross my path, I feel better about myself. I also develop a growing sense of self-respect. I need to like myself. And so do you! It is difficult to engage with life when we feel bad about ourselves.

I have spent a lifetime listening to the stories of people who don’t like themselves. The details of these stories vary greatly, but eventually there is a recurring theme. These people don’t like themselves. They chip away at their own self-respect which in turn leads to personal anxiety and misery as well as trouble with other people.

Commitment to Live Life God’s Way

You must choose to “love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind” and to “love your neighbor as yourself.” And you will find that you must renew your commitment many times each day. There will be many temptations along the way to draw you away from your decision to put God first in all of your life situations. The Bible contains a reassuring promise:

The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure. —1 Corinthians 10:12–13

A commitment requires an initial decision and then a renewal of that decision whenever necessary.

When a person borrows money from an individual or an institution, they make a commitment to repaying that loan. Each time a payment comes due, they recommit themselves to the promise of repayment.

An educational endeavor requires the same type of commitment. An individual makes a decision to go to college, but if they stop with the decision, they still do not earn a degree. Each time a test comes along, they must renew their original commitment and take the test. They must make daily decisions to study or not to study. They must reaffirm their initial commitment when it is time to complete a research project. To get through college, it takes a daily commitment to the end goal to get through.

It has been my experience that if someone wants to do something bad enough, they’ll do it. It is possible to change your present behavior. I’ve observed people who are choosing bad behavior and justifying it because of their past, choose to make positive changes spite of their past. I’ve also observed young people who adopt an entirely new pattern of behavior after only one year of college and then turn back to their early behavior just as abruptly as they turned away from it.

A commitment requires an initial decision and then
a renewal of that decision whenever necessary.

You can choose to look at pornographic material or you can choose not to. You can choose to be mean and unhappy or you can choose not to. You can choose to make excuses for your poor choices or you can choose to start making better choices. Likewise, you can choose to study the Bible and live accordingly, or you can choose not to.

It is important to remember that a commitment made today will need to be renewed again and again as other opportunities tempt you to divert your time and effort. Your commitments are entirely up to you.

Questions for Reflection/Discussion:

1. In what ways are you currently playing the advantages/disadvantages game?
2. When it comes to loving God, loving others, and loving yourself, in which area do you need the most work? What is one step you can take to move forward in this area of your life?
3. On a scale of 1–10, how committed are you to living life God’s way? Do you want to be more committed? What is one thing you can do to become more committed?

Memorize: Matthew 22:37–39

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: Love your neighbor as yourself.”

Living with yourself begins with self-respect, and self-respect includes having a good self-image. As you consider your self-respect, it is important to evaluate yourself in in five key areas: behavior, speech, reactions, thoughts, and goals.

Behavior. Think about what you have done this week. Some of your behavior has been commendable, sacrificial, far beyond the call of duty. However, some of your behavior may have been selfish, undisciplined, mean, or far less than your best.

Speech. Reflect upon some of the words you’ve used—words of praise, reassurance, encouragement, affirmation; helpful, constructive, supportive words. However, there were probably also some words of complaining, griping, and negativity, even lies.

Reactions. How you act and interact with others is observable and what you say can be heard. But the way you react to what’s been said and done is not as readily observable or audible. This is often the invisible, private part of your world. You may have responded to situations with love, joy, peace, gentleness, tenderness, or appreciation. On the other hand, you may be harboring in your heart hatred, bitterness, anger, rebellion, or envy.

Thoughts. Thoughts represent another private part of your world. No one can observe your thoughts. You can be thinking wholesome, positive, constructive, complimentary thoughts or your mind can be filled with negative, destructive, uncomplimentary thoughts—even if you look angelic.

Goals. The goals in your life are the desired outcomes you are striving to achieve. Are your goals positive and constructive or negative and destructive? We all have goals. Sometimes our goal is to not have goals.

Your self-respect is either built up or torn down by the choices you make. Each one of us is involved in a multitude of choices every day. Our self-respect often depends on the quality of our performance of the various tasks we work on throughout the day.

We do our best.
We don’t care.

We do it right.
We mess it up.

We do what is required.
We find a way to unnecessarily cut corners.

We follow instructions.
We do it our own way.

We give it all we’ve got.
We do it half-heartedly.

We keep our agreements.
We go back on our word.

Your self-respect is either built up or torn down
by the choices you make.

We make our choices day after day according to the personal principles that guide us. The Bible provides us with a central reference point. For the entirety of my counseling career I’ve never found its principles to be incorrect.

Two men came out of a mine shaft. One had a dirty face. The other man’s face was clean. The man with the clean face looked at his companion, concluded that his own face was also dirty, and left to wash his face.

The dirty-faced man didn’t wash his face. After seeing his friend’s clean face, he decided there was no need.

Both came up with the wrong conclusion because they had used each other as a reference point. What these men needed was a mirror; something outside of themselves that would give them a realistic, objective view of themselves.

We need a reference point as well, a mirror, a guidebook that is consistently accurate. It’s not enough to stand in front of a mirror and see what’s wrong. We need to take calm, corrective action. James 1:22–25 tells us:

Don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves. For if you listen to the word and don’t obey, it is like glancing at your face in a mirror. You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like. But if you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, and if you do what it says and don’t forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it.

How can it be said more clearly? Without action the information you have is not being used to your advantage. You must decide to start using God’s Word to make a difference in your life.

Biblical Guidelines

The Bible provides us with some guidelines to help us make choices, but the responsibility for our daily actions rests squarely on our own shoulders.

You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is good for you. You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is beneficial. —1 Corinthians 10:23

Remember, it is sin to know what you ought to do and then not do it. —James 4:17

And this righteousness will bring peace. Yes, it will bring quietness and confidence forever. —Isaiah 32:17

Every day of your life you are given the opportunity to make choices about what you will or will not do. Part of the fun in participating in athletics is the challenge of making quick, spontaneous decisions within the rules and boundaries of the game. Likewise, we experience pleasure when we make decision upon decision within the boundaries God gives us as found in his Word. Continuous, ongoing study of God’s Word with the intent to obey what we read and learn will lead to a life of happiness and joy. Living your life by God’s standards and principles will help you to choose behaviors, speech patterns, reactions, thoughts, and goals that bring contentment.

Here are just a few of Bible passages that I’ve memorized and that I apply to my life every day.

I have hidden your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you. —Psalm 119:11

I have more insight than my teachers, for I am always thinking of your laws. I am even wiser than my elders, for I have kept your commandments. I have refused to walk on any evil path, so that I may remain obedient to your word. —Psalm 119:99–101

Those who love your instructions have great peace and do not stumble. —Psalm 119:165

Oh, that you had listened to my commands! Then you would have had peace flowing like a gentle river and righteousness rolling over you like waves in the sea. —Isaiah 48:18

Study this Book of Instruction continually. Meditate on it day and night so you will be sure to obey everything written in it. Only then will you prosper and succeed in all you do. This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. —Joshua 1:8–9

Searching out God’s instruction will lead you into a lifetime study of the Bible. It will also guide you into behavior pleasing to God and will contribute to your self-respect. That’s worth a lifetime of study! Why not commit yourself to a lifetime of doing what is right? Just as people who are physically fit spend a lifetime learning fitness principles and following them, so contented people learn the principles that will enable them to build self-respect.

Ethan’s Tough Choice

Consider this example of how one man saw his self-respect grow by the choices he made.

Ethan came to me with a unique question. He was an expert amateur skier and was a very popular athlete—one of the favorites of the sportswriters. As a result, his picture and favorable write-ups appeared constantly in all of the media outlets across the country. Because of his popularity, a ski manufacturer was urging him to turn professional and to endorse their skis. This deal would mean his income would increase substantially.

His amateur team of course was urging him to keep his amateur status. He was the spark plug of the ski team. Ethan was torn between his loyalty to the team and the lure of the professional contract.

Finally, Ethan agreed to remain an amateur until after the last meet of the season, which would be held in the Rocky Mountains the first week of February, turning pro in time to race in the professional championships the third week of February.

Unfortunately, the first week of February there was not enough snow in the Rockies, so the national meet was moved to New Hampshire, but because of other meets already scheduled in that area, the date was changed to the third week of February. The amateur team insisted that the change in dates did not release him from his promise to them. But the ski manufacturer also had a promise from him. He got conflicting advice from attorneys and friends.

“What should I do?” he asked me. “My reputation means more to me than the money. It has never before failed to snow in the Rockies. What do you do when the weather crosses you up? I want to keep my word to the amateurs, but I also want to turn professional.”

There were no simple answers. We prayed together for wisdom. But, after prayer, the problem remained.

Making the right choice is not always easy.

Ethan realized he must take a step of faith. He chose to stay with the amateur team. His decision involved a great financial loss, but he was at peace with himself because as best he could determine, he was doing what was right.

As Ethan struggled through this experience I was reminded of the apostle Paul who said, “Those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit. So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up” (Galatians 6:8–9).

Making the right choice is not always easy. For Ethan, there was no obvious way to go. His choice had to be determined by the broad principles of God’s Word he was committed to following.

The Raspberry Patch

On the other hand, many choices are clearly right or wrong.

When I was a boy, our neighbor had a fine raspberry patch. My instructions were to stay out of that patch—unless permission was given by my parents and the people who owned the patch. One day I wandered past the patch. The berries were ripe, and there was no one around. I slipped into the patch and started eating the cool, juicy raspberries. What a pleasure!

Suddenly, there was a noise behind me. I turned around and was face to face with the owner, Mrs. Jackson. I was terrified. My heart pounded wildly and I began to sweat.

Desperately, I pleaded with her not to tell my mother. But she wouldn’t promise. Those delicious berries suddenly felt like a rock in my stomach as I headed away from the scene of the crime. For the rest of the day, a nagging question plagued my mind: Had she told my mother? I had a miserable afternoon.

This was a conscious, deliberate choice to do wrong. Now, I was suffering because of it. Soon, I heard my mother call, “Hennnn-rrrreeee!”

Did she know? Had the neighbor lady called her? What would happen to me? Filled with fear, I went into the house, expecting the worst. My mother was waiting for me.

“Henry …”

“Yes, mom.”

Scared to death. Here it comes.

“Henry, I need you to go to the store for me.”

What a relief! Maybe she didn’t know. But how could I tell?

At dinner, I was fidgety and nervous. Finally, my father said, “What’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing’s wrong with me, Dad. Nothing at all. Nothing.”

I realized I had protested too much. I’m going to give myself away if I don’t calm down.

“Then, why aren’t you eating your dinner?”

“I am eating.”

I was eating, but the food gave me a sick feeling. I glanced nervously back and forth between my father and mother.

Finally, my mother said, “Henry, there is too something wrong with you.”

“Nothing’s wrong, Mom.”

I resisted the temptation to say it again, then got out of there as fast as I could.

It was a terrible evening. The frightening climax came when dad called up the stairs. Usually, when he called me, something was up. Again there was the same reaction within me—tension, sweating, and a pounding heart.

When I answered him, “It’s bedtime,” was all he said.

Whew. What a relief to disappear into my bedroom. But, it proved to be a most uncomfortable night.

The next day I was playing outside and, to my dismay, here came the lady who owned the raspberry patch. I ducked behind a corner of the house and spied on her as she approached.

She came closer. Closer. Closer.

Then, she went past the house. And on down the street.

Whew. Safe again. So it went for days of agonized misery. And I never did find out if she told my parents. But I was miserable for a long time.

Nervous, Anxious, Worried People

I’ve listened to countless stories in the counseling office of people who create similar tensions for themselves because of their own actions. No one knows their secret. But they know.

And that’s enough.

As a child I learned two lines of a poem by the English poet, Matthew Arnold:

There is a secret in his breast

That will never let him rest.

Your secret may not be that you are having an affair or stealing from your employer. It may be as simple as sneaking into a raspberry patch.

Telegram in the Night

Many years ago, I was the dean of men in a small college. One night, I had to deliver a telegram to one of the students in the men’s dormitory. Another student was standing in the hall, so I greeted him and went on to deliver the message.

On my way out, the same student approached me and said, “I need to talk to you. Do you have a few minutes?”

As we walked down the sidewalk, he blurted out, “I have a confession to make. Every time I see you coming toward me I think you have found out what I have done. I’m tired of the suspense of hiding, and I want to confess.”

He had repeatedly broken a college rule that required students who had cars to have liability insurance if they transported other students. He had no such insurance. Often, he would load his car with fellow students and take off. They often joked about how easy it was to put one over on the dean.

They were right. I had no idea this was going on.

Can you picture this student? I’d often stop him on the sidewalk and make small talk.

“How are you? … How is your car working? … Good-bye.”

Occasionally, I’d see him sitting on a bench with his girlfriend (who often went riding with him), so I’d wander over to visit a few minutes with both of them.

“It was bad enough when you stopped me on the sidewalk, but when you actually engaged me in a conversation, I got all tensed up.”

This is what the student had lived with. Then, suddenly this evening, the door had opened and there, framed in the doorway and coming right at him, was the dean of men. He figured I was after him, but I walked right past without much more than a word.

“It shook me up when you came in,” he said. “I just can’t stand it anymore.”

You don’t break God’s laws without paying
the price of inner tension.

He was the author of his own misery because of his own behavior, and it was chipping away at his self-respect.

This student is not unusual. Most of the people I talk to have done what they wanted to do if they wanted to do it bad enough—rules or no rules, promises or no promises, standards or no standards, commitments or no commitments.

When we do so, we must live with whatever tension goes with it—sometimes much and sometimes little. You don’t break God’s laws (disobey authority) without paying the personal price of inner tension.

The Burning Cigar

Some years ago, I taught a college-age Sunday school class. There was one young man in the class who often said, “I am very devoted to the Lord. Because my body is the Lord’s, I want to take care of it. I don’t stay up late, I’m careful what I eat, I exercise regularly, don’t drink, smoke, or chase women.”

The entire class listened—and nodded. “Good for you,” we would say with admiration.

Then, one day at an airport many miles from home, as I was approaching the terminal, I thought I saw this model student standing in front of the building.

Guess what?

He had a cigar in his mouth, puffing away as happy as could be. He didn’t notice me. Since I knew him quite well, I walked up to chat with him. Then he saw me—and did a very strange thing.

He stuck that cigar—still smoking—in his pocket!

He wasn’t very happy to see me.

It was a pitiful, yet amusing, sight. As we talked, the smoke began curling up from his pocket. He was one miserable young man.

We had a brief conversation and then he was in a hurry to be off.

What was wrong? He was the architect of his own misery. His conduct didn’t fit his words.

Obeying the Rules

Have you ever been driving on a freeway and suddenly spotted a state trooper cruising behind you?

Why is he following me?

You glance at your speedometer.

 I’m only going 70.

Isn’t that a comfortable feeling? The relief of correct behavior.

Recently, I was riding in a friend’s car. We were in a hurry and couldn’t find a parking place, so he decided to take a chance on putting the car in a No Parking area.

Rarely have I done business so quickly. My friend was pressing me the entire time—and was very relieved to get back out on the street!

There are many signs that tell us what to do:

Please Wait     Visitors Only     No Parking     Quiet Please     Keep Off the Grass     Turn Left

There is no end to the rules to be obeyed. Play within the rules, and you’re comfortable. Do otherwise, and you’re uncomfortable. Consider what the Bible has to say:

Pay careful attention to your own work, for then you will get the satisfaction of a job well done, and you won’t need to compare yourself to anyone else. —Galatians 6:4

Want to have no fear of authority? Do what is good and you will have praise of the same … if you do what is evil, be afraid … for … an avenger … brings wrath upon the one who practices evil. —Romans 13:3–4, NASB

If you follow the instruction of God’s Word, you will find your self-respect growing, and you will find that your happiness is growing because you like yourself and the choices you are making.

Questions for Reflection/Discussion:

1. When you think about your own self-respect, which of the five key areas (behavior, speech, reactions, thoughts, and goals) most often trips you up?
2. What are some of your life principles? What are some of the principles from God’s Word that guide you?
3. What is one thing you have learned from this chapter that you can put into practice in your own life?

Memorize: Galatians 6:8–9

Those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit. So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.

We just discussed the importance of living with yourself. However, your behavior with and toward others is just as important in building self-respect. And I have discovered that our interactions with other people often reveal unexpected, self-centered behavior.

My Trip with a Good Friend

Several years ago, a mission organization executive for whom I had worked many years as a consultant invited me to take a tour with him. We were good friends. After a year of planning, we met in Switzerland to begin a journey that would take us around the world.

We met in the airport lobby and proceeded to the security screening area. Since I was the executive’s consultant and wanted to be “cooperative and agreeable,” it seemed reasonable to suggest that he go first.

“No, you go first,” he replied.

“No, you go first,” I insisted.

Finally, I reluctantly gave in and went through the metal detector first.

Our interactions with other people often reveal unexpected,
self-centered behavior.

When our flight was called, we gathered up our carry-on luggage and approached the entry to the jet bridge. As we were walking toward the entrance, I thought, So help me, he is going in first.

I said to him, “You go first.”
He came back with, “No, you go first.”
We were stymied at the doorway!
Finally, he gave in and entered first. I felt better.

We got inside the plane, and there were two seats. Even though we had seat assignments, the question still was, Who gets to sit by the window?

I wanted that seat and figured that if I offered it to him first, he would refuse and I could get it. Sure enough that’s what happened.

“Why don’t you take the window seat?” I said to him.
“No, you take the window seat,” he answered.
Pretending reluctance, I “gave in” and took it.

I’m sure the people around us were frustrated as they waited for us to play this game.

This gentleman and I were friends. There was respect, admiration, and good will between us. We liked each other. He had a Th.D. degree, and I had a Ph.D. degree. That’s a lot going for a relationship, isn’t it? How much education and friendship does it take for two men to get along smoothly? And yet, we had three problems before we even sat down on the plane.

We looked at each other sheepishly and agreed that we would surely have a hard time getting around the world.

What was the basic problem?

Both he and I had to face a simple truth. He wanted to run things his own way. I wanted to run things my way. In a word—selfishness. We fit the picture of human nature as described in Isaiah 53:6: “All of us, like sheep, have strayed away. We have left God’s paths to follow our own.” The reason I like this example so much is because often our selfishness begins in this very type of situation. It is a small thing. We are trying to be accommodating. And yet, we still want the outcome to be the way we want it.

He and I, individually, needed to repent of our self-centeredness, and be forgiven and cleansed—which we did. And then we needed to decide who was going to be the “leader” for this trip if we were to manage the multitude of daily decisions that were to come up on our trip.

So, we called ourselves together to have an election. But we faced the thorny problem of choosing a leader with only two people voting.

Which one of us would you pick to be the leader? In order to help you decide, let me give you some facts. He was the director of the mission. His people had planned our itinerary with him in mind. Most of them had never heard of me.

Now let me tell you what happens whenever I ask my audiences at a conference to choose one of us for a leader on the basis of the above facts.

The dialogue between me and the audience goes something like this:

“Let me ask you folks out there … how many of you would vote for me to be the leader?”

Not a single hand goes up.

“Let me ask that question again!”

There is hilarious laughter, but no one changes their vote. Everyone votes for the mission director.

I wouldn’t vote for me either. He is the obvious leader. And that is actually what the two of us decided.

I still had my Ph.D. My experience didn’t disappear. My reputation didn’t change. I didn’t “lose face” because he was now the leader. We had simply decided, among friends, which one of us would have the last word. We could now get to our common goal without a debate every time a little decision was needed.

We had no more problems on our trip, even though my opinion still differed with his at times. He made the final decisions, many times asking for my opinion. Our respect for one another grew. But we could have lost our friendship by the time the trip was over if we hadn’t made this important decision at the beginning.

There are two basic principles that guided our behavior with one another.

First, we were both committed to following the Bible as our guide for living. Second, we consciously acted on our commitment.

Here are two verses that gave us direction:

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. —Ephesians 5:21

All who fear the LORD will hate evil. Therefore, I hate pride and arrogance, corruption and perverse speech. —Proverbs 8:13

When you put these verses together, they simply mean that two men who “fear the Lord” are not two cringing, fearful people, but rather two individuals who want to clear away any evil, pride, or arrogance that is revealed between them and figure out a mutually agreeable way to get along.

Anna—A Family of Selfish Individuals

Anna’s family lives in an affluent neighborhood with beautiful evergreens, hedges, and private drives. Her family’s home includes a large yard with a swimming pool. In some ways, this lifestyle excites Anna and her mother. In other ways, it frustrates them, because all is not well in the midst of this luxury.

Anna’s dad is an insurance representative in four states and is away from home much of the time. He gives his wife a specified allowance each month, tells her exactly how to spend it, and checks up on her expenditures regularly.

Anna hears her mother and father argue on a regular basis. The issues are usually the same. Her mother nags her father about his long absences from home, the fact that he is not paying any attention to Anna, and his tight-fisted control over the money. With her father, it is always the same; her mother is spending too much money.

Recently, Anna and her mom were discussing Anna’s latest dilemma.

“Mom, I just have to get some new clothes. Let’s face it, kids at this school wear all the latest trends. I’ll never be accepted if I don’t wear what is in style. Just two weeks from tonight, Ashley is having a party, and I haven’t a thing …”

 “Anna, you know your father insists that I buy you too many clothes as it is.”

“Isn’t there something we can do, mom? I’ll just die if my friends don’t accept me. I just know I won’t be invited to another party unless …”

Anna began sobbing.

Anna’s mother usually yielded to her husband’s instructions, even if she inwardly resented them. This time she rebelled and made a decision she knew her husband would object to.

“Anna, don’t cry. I’ll try to cut down on something else so you can have some new clothes. I hope your father won’t notice. So be careful. If he finds out, there will be trouble.”

“Okay, mom. Don’t worry.”

Their plan worked. Before the party, Anna had some new clothes. As she was getting ready to go out, Anna thought of her father. Would he notice and question her?

She needn’t have worried. Anna’s father was much too preoccupied to notice her or her clothes.

One night, however, when Anna came home wearing a new outfit, her father did notice her and said, “You look very nice in that dress.”

“Thank you, dad,” she replied, as she felt herself beginning to blush. Nothing more was said.

In her room, Anna had some serious misgivings about the scheme she and her mother had concocted. Then, as she remembered the way the kids had been impressed with her new clothes, she said to herself, “Oh, well. I guess all’s fair in love and war—as long as you don’t get caught. It’s all dad’s fault anyway. If he’d give mom more money, she wouldn’t have to lie to him.”

A month of seeming serenity passed. Then, Anna’s mother’s world caved in. On a Friday, the school principal phoned, asking about Anna’s health.

“I’m so sorry Anna’s had the flu. I’ve received your note.”

When the conversation ended and the principal stopped talking and hung up, Anna’s mom was numb with disbelief. Tears filled her eyes. She sat down. She hadn’t written any note. Anna hadn’t been sick. Anna had been skipping school. But why? Why would she do such a thing? But Anna’s mother had not told the principal the truth.

Instead, she decided to do something else about it. She brought Anna to me.

Several counseling sessions followed with all the members of the family. There was ill-will, selfishness, and deception in the hearts of all of them.

Anna’s father was unreasonable. There was plenty of money available. And, as it turned out, his wife also had plenty of money to spend. Anna also had a lot of clothes.

How does this illustration relate to self-respect? Anna’s mother was chipping away at her self-respect by purchasing more clothes for Anna and entering into a conspiracy with her daughter to deceive her husband. However, she was devasted when she learned that her daughter was also deceiving her by skipping school. How could she deal with her daughter’s deception when she was deceiving her husband?

Anna’s mother justified her choices by telling herself she was being a considerate mother—exactly the opposite of her inconsiderate husband.

He was, indeed, an inconsiderate husband and a disinterested father. His world revolved around himself and his own interests. He did not really need to be away as often as he was. He justified his choices by telling himself that his business demanded the lifestyle he was providing for his family.

Anna was becoming a skilled manipulator, doing as she pleased, and she justified her choices by convincing herself that she was only doing what was necessary to be accepted by her friends because she was a neglected child.

This family would benefit greatly if they would embrace this biblical principle:

Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. —Philippians 2:3–4

I have listened to many similar stories and have found that we are capable of an endless variety of ways of deceiving ourselves. The Bible tells us:

The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is? But I, the LORD, search all hearts and examine secret motives. I give all people their due rewards, according to what their actions deserve. —Jeremiah 17:9–10

Knowing that our hearts are deceitful and knowing that God will search our hearts and test our minds, it is only logical to continuously evaluate our choices. But how? The psalmist gives a clue:

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life. —Psalm 139:23–24

You can know your heart if you allow the Lord to show you yourself reflected in his Word. On the basis of what you see, you can act on his instructions.

The prophet Isaiah said,

Seek the LORD while you can find him. Call on him now while he is near. Let the wicked change their ways and banish the very thought of doing wrong. Let them turn to the LORD that he may have mercy on them. Yes, turn to our God, for he will forgive generously. —Isaiah 55:6–7

The apostle John points the way to a happy life:

Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions. Our actions will show that we belong to the truth, so we will be confident when we stand before God. Even if we feel guilty, God is greater than our feelings, and he knows everything. Dear friends, if we don’t feel guilty, we can come to God with bold confidence. And we will receive from him whatever we ask because we obey him and do the things that please him. —1 John 3:18–22

Four Biblical Guidelines for Making Good Choices

When we study God’s Word, we find four helpful guidelines for making choices that will have a positive effect on our self-respect as well as on our overall sense of happiness and contentment.

1. Treat others as you would like to be treated.

Jesus said,

Do to others as you would like them to do to you. —Luke 6:31

This is what many of us know as the Golden Rule. It requires serious self-reflection rather than concentration on figuring out someone else.

How would you like you to be treated? Would you like others to make an effort to find out what makes you happy? Would you like others to defer to your wishes rather than theirs when there is a difference of opinion? Do you like being deceived or lied to? Would you rather serve or be served? Do you mind if people say one thing to you in your presence and then another when you aren’t there?

2. Be a leader.

The apostle Paul said,

Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me — everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you. —Philippians 4:9

A first reading of this verse may give the impression that it is an egotistical and impossible statement. But as we consider this statement in light of Paul’s life, we see that it is a word of encouragement. Imagine living your life in such a fashion that anyone who pays close attention to you finds the God of peace is with them because they follow what they learn, receive, hear, and see from you. They, like you, are making choices that are commendable, positive, and wholesome. Such a description of person is surely a firm foundation for building self-respect.

3. Thankfully make choices as though the Lord is physically beside you.

The apostle Paul wrote to the Colossians:

Let the message about Christ, in all its richness, fill your lives. Teach and counsel each other with all the wisdom he gives. Sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts. And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father. —Colossians 3:16–17

The presence of your boss, a policeman, stranger, or even a friend in your home is enough reason to pay careful attention to your behavior. Imagine how careful you would be if Jesus were physically with you. All of your choices would surely result in a thoughtful and thankful spirit.

4. Carry out your choices willingly and with a desire to please God.

The apostle Paul also wrote:

Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people. Remember that the Lord will give you an inheritance as your reward, and that the Master you are serving is Christ. —Colossians 3:23–24

There is nothing more frustrating than taking on a responsibility unwillingly. Sooner or later we are all faced with a task we would rather not do. There are chores, household responsibilities, errands, and duties at work, school, or church that we would all rather walk away from.

Have your ever considered how many nostrils and throats a physician examines in a day? Or how many mouths a dentist peers into in a day? There is no need to pity these people; this is a vocation they have chosen. If they have a healthy response to their work, they accept the routine along with the glory.

We do not have a choice for many of the duties we must perform. However, we do have a choice when it comes to asking God to give us a thankful attitude toward our tasks. How wonderful to enjoy what you are doing. Do it willingly. Take that task on as an act of worship! This is true whether your task is at a desk, in front of a computer, in a factory, behind a podium, or in the home.

The poet Henry Van Dyke aptly put this thought into words in his well-known poem, “Work”:

Let me but do my work from day to day,
In field or forest, at desk or loom,
In roaring market-place or tranquil room;
Let me but find it in my heart to say,
When vagrant wishes beckon me astray,
“This is my work; my blessing, not my doom;
Of all who live, I am the one by whom
This work can best be done in the right way.”
Then shall I see it not too great, nor small,
To suit my spirit and to prove my powers;
Then shall I cheerful greet the laboring hours,
And cheerful turn, when the long shadows fall
At eventide, to play and love and rest,
Because I know for me my work is best.

A. W. Tozer, expressed the same principle in his classic book, The Pursuit of God:

We must offer all of our acts to God and believe that He accepts them, then hold firmly to that position, and keep insisting that every act of every hour of every day and night be included … Let us practice the fine art of making every work a priestly ministration. Let us believe that God is in all of our simple deeds and learn to find Him there.

When we approach our responsibilities as an opportunity to bring honor to God, to please him, and to do it with an attitude of willingness and thankfulness will ultimately build our self-respect and our sense of happiness.

Paul reminds us:

Be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity. —1 Timothy 4:12

When our behavior falls short of biblical standards we ultimately will experience unrest, anxiety, worry, and tension. We pay a great price when we depart from truth, integrity, and honesty.

Questions for Reflection/Discussion:

1. Think for a moment about your interactions with others. What positive and negative character qualities do your interactions reveal about you?
2. There are a lot of scripture passages in this chapter. Which one most encourages you? Which one most challenges you?
3. Which of the four Biblical guidelines do you need to make a priority in your life? How can you begin immediately to live out that guideline in a more proactive way?

Memorize: Philippians 2:3–4

Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.

The use of words is the most common subject that comes up when people come to see me for counseling. With words, we compliment and praise one another. Our words can be comforting, helpful, supportive, and instructive, revealing all the good things that are on our mind. At the same time, words can cut, hurt, or tear someone up without leaving a mark. They can be used to deceive, mislead, or conceal what is on our mind. Words are helpful and hurtful. Words are a tool for communication, but they can also complicate situations as they get tangled up with our emotions.

In Proverbs 15 we read this about our words:

A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare. —v. 1

Gentle words are a tree of life; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit. —v. 4

The heart of the godly thinks carefully before speaking; the mouth of the wicked overflows with evil words. —v. 28

Many people have long ago forgotten the spankings received as a child but can recall vividly some of the tongue lashings and hostile criticisms received along the way. Married couples who seek counseling have forgotten the tender words exchanged among themselves when they were first married but can easily recall the stinging, sarcastic, critical, deceptive words flung carelessly at them by their spouse.

The Bible tells us,

Indeed, we all make many mistakes. For if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way. We can make a large horse go wherever we want by means of a small bit in its mouth. And a small rudder makes a huge ship turn wherever the pilot chooses to go, even though the winds are strong. In the same way, the tongue is a small thing that makes grand speeches.

But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire. And among all the parts of the body, the tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body. It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself.

People can tame all kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and fish, but no one can tame the tongue. It is restless and evil, full of deadly poison. Sometimes it praises our Lord and Father, and sometimes it curses those who have been made in the image of God. And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Surely, my brothers and sisters, this is not right! —James 3:2–10

It is clear that we either build up or chip away at our self-respect, and our happiness, by our choice of words.

Anger

Steve got out of bed in a good mood. He greeted his wife with a friendly hug and kiss. They had a pleasant breakfast together, and after a tender good-bye kiss, he headed for the garage whistling to himself.

He was pleased to be getting an early start, planning to get some deskwork out of the way before his busy day began. Everything changed when he put the car key in the ignition and glanced at the gas gauge. It was on empty.

“I told that stupid wife of mine to put gas in the car when she used it last night. And she didn’t do it!”

He was seething as he waited at the gas pump for the tank to be filled. Already, he was rehearsing what he would say to his wife that night.

It was a busy day and the gas tank episode was forgotten until he headed home. The closer he got to home the angrier he became.

He parked his car in the garage and slammed the car door as headed into the house. Normally he greeted his wife with a kiss, but today he brushed past her, mumbling a gruff, “Hello.”

“What’s wrong with you?” she asked.

“Nothing!”

“There must be something wrong,” she pressed. “Did you have a rough day at work?”

She had no idea what was going on underneath his skin, or she might have had second thoughts about pursuing the question.

Steve unloaded. “Yes, I had a rough day. I left early so that I could get some desk work done, only to find an empty gas tank. So instead of getting a head start, I spent my time sitting beside a gas pump. I told you to put gas in the car. Why don’t you listen to me? Why is that I can never depend on you? I’m fed up with your lack of consideration. All you think about is yourself.’

His wife burst into tears.

“Stop crying,” he shouted. “Do I have to put up with an emotional woman on top of your irresponsible behavior?”

Even as Steve said these last words, he was sorry he had started his outburst. But once he had started his tirade, he figured he might as well finish it.

If his employees had ever tried talking to him that way, he would have fired them. And he wouldn’t think of speaking to his friends the way he just addressed his wife.

By now, the children were listening. “You kids … go outside and play!” He brushed past them and kept on yelling.

By spewing out this torrent of words, Steve made a fool of himself and felt foolish about it. But the angry words were out. He was especially disturbed over his choice of words and the manner in which he had delivered them. This wasn’t the first time this had happened. He had ruined many an evening with his sharp tongue and then always had to figure out how to patch things up.

During dinner, the telephone rang. It was for Angela, the sixteen-year-old daughter in the family. On the other end of the line was a young man the family didn’t approve of. He was asking Angie to go to a party at the home of another friend Angie’s parents didn’t like. Both Steve and his wife had a pretty good idea of what the conversation was about. Angie accepted the invitation, hoping to talk her folks into letting her go. When she hung up, Angie took a breath and jumped into her plea to be allowed to go to the party.

“Can I please go to Elizabeth’s party this weekend?” she asked.

“You know the answer,” her mother replied.

“Please let me go. All the kids but me will be there. Dad, tell mom to let me go.”

“You heard your mother. You knew what we would say when you agreed to go.”

“Please … just this once?”

“The answer is no!” Steve shouted.

Angela was not to be intimidated. She launched into her own tirade. “You never let me do anything. I hate this place, and I hate you. When I get a little older, you will be sorry, because I’m going to clear out of here and do whatever I please. All you do is make life miserable for me. You must hate me to treat me like you do. None of my friends have to take the flack I take around here. You don’t care about me at all. I hate you.”

Wow! Quite an outburst for a teenager.

Her parents kept quiet and let her continue until she ran out of words.

Angela was feeling miserable before she finished. Actually, she didn’t disagree with her parents’ judgment. But, again and again, she would sass them, or tell off the whole family, or lash out at anyone who crossed her. She caused herself no end of trouble socially and often ended up disgusted with herself.

What is behind all of these angry, careless words? The people in this family are violating basic wisdom from the Bible:

Watch your tongue and keep your mouth shut, and you will stay out of trouble.
—Proverbs 21:23

Every one of these careless words is going to come back to haunt you. There will be a time of Reckoning. Words are powerful; take them seriously. Words can be your salvation. Words can also be your damnation. —Matthew 12:36–37, MSG

If you claim to be religious but don’t control your tongue, you are fooling yourself, and your religion is worthless. —James 1:26

Complaining

Three men who worked together shared a common dislike for their jobs. Every day during their lunch break, they would rehash the rude comments their boss had fired at them throughout the morning and discuss with one another how much they despised him.

Their boss was indeed a very difficult man to work for. I suppose everyone sooner or later faces the problem of what to do with a difficult person in their life. However, the Bible says:

Do everything without complaining and arguing, so that no one can criticize you. Live clean, innocent lives as children of God, shining like bright lights in a world full of crooked and perverse people. —Philippians 2:14–15

A worthless man digs up evil, while his words are like scorching fire. —Proverbs 16:28, NASB

Remind the believers … They must not slander anyone and must avoid quarreling. Instead, they should be gentle and show true humility to everyone. —Titus 3:1–2

These men were chipping away at their own self-respect by choosing to focus on the behavior of their boss and then rehashing his poor conduct.

Lying

The art of deception takes many forms and can easily muddle our relationships.

Jake’s Flattery

Jake was golfing with Greg, who was a par player. On the way to the course, Jake explained that he was just an occasional golfer and not very good. Greg offered to give Jake some tips as they went along. The offer was accepted. At first, Jake appreciated the help. Watch your head … you need a little more grass on that shot … raise your left shoulder … keep your eye on the ball … you should use a different club. But the instruction went on and on … until Jake was getting knots in his stomach.

All he really wanted was to knock the ball around the course.

“Want another tip?” Greg asked.

Instead of admitting that he was already confused and annoyed, Jake replied, “Sure I do. It’s not often I get to play with someone who can help my game. You are a good teacher.”

However, Jake’s deception and flattery needlessly put him in a position that spoiled his whole day.

Dylan’s Deception

The work director of the college summoned Dylan to tell him of a job opening. Before sending him to this assignment, however, the director wanted to clear up a report that Dylan had been disorderly on various occasions.

Dylan denied the report and was given the assignment.

A week later, he returned to the work director to admit that the report was actually true. He had been in torment for a week. Even if it meant losing the work opportunity, he wanted to set the record straight.

Julie’s Accommodation

Julie created an unnecessary situation for herself when she was visiting some friends who in turn took her to visit some of their friends. It came time for supper.

“We can go out to eat if you like,” said Mary, the hostess. “We have every kind of restaurant you can think of around here. Or, since I’ve made some vegetable soup today, we can stay home and eat that. It makes no difference to me what we do. Since Julie is our guest, and we don’t know what she has eaten today, let’s let her decide.”

That’s a tough spot for a guest. Julie answered with a question. “Does anyone have anything against staying here and eating soup?”

All four people said they’d just as soon stay home.

“Then that’s fine with me,” said Julie. “Let’s just stay here and eat soup.”

On the way home from the visit, Julie said to her friends, “Do you mind if we swing through a drive-through on the way home? I’m starving. I didn’t have any lunch today, and if you noticed, I didn’t eat much. I hate soup—especially vegetable soup.”

Her friends were surprised. “Julie, Mary asked you if you wanted something else. Did you think she didn’t mean it?”

“Well, I didn’t want to offend or inconvenience anyone,” Julie replied.

Instead of gaining admiration for her “sacrificial” choice, her friends wondered when they could believe her … and Julie had ended up with an unsatisfactory dinner.

Janelle’s Cover-Up

Janelle was referred to me by her physician because a reasonable prescription for anxiety was not helping her. She was reluctant to admit that anything might be bothering her, but she finally admitted to me that she had lent her car to a friend, who was involved in an accident with the car.

Knowing that her husband would be furious because she had loaned out the car, Janelle had decided to tell him she had been in the accident. To deceive her husband was simple enough, but she hadn’t anticipated the complications of this deception: coaching her friend on what to say, keeping her husband away from the repair shop, and slipping police reports past him. It became especially complicated when the repairs were done poorly and required two extra visits to the repair shop, which also involved interacting with the insurance agent again and again. The cover-up resulted in unbearable and unnecessary tensions for Janelle.

Biblical Advice

People in my office frequently rationalize their lying by believing that if they speak the truth, the other people will hate them, get angry, or have hurt feelings. It is a delusion to assume that the key to good friendship is lying and deceit.

On the other hand, many of my clients tell me how disappointed they are when they discover they have been deceived or lied to.

In the early 1800s, Sir Walter Scott wrote his second book, a historical romance, no less, and in it he wrote, “Oh, what a tangled web we weave … when first we practice to deceive!”

The Bible uses powerful words to instruct us in this area:

The LORD detests lying lips, but he delights in those who tell the truth.
— Proverbs 12:22

Keep your mouth free of perversity; keep corrupt talk far from your lips.
—Proverbs 4:24, NIV

A lying tongue hates its victims, and flattering words cause ruin.
—Proverbs 26:28

Gossip

In the New Testament we read these words: “The tongue is a small thing that makes grand speeches. But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire” —James 3:5.

“I left her …”

A simple little incident that happened to me has made that verse very meaningful. I was once speaking to a large group of people attending a family conference. During one of the breaks, someone came up to greet me. “Hi, Henry, I haven’t seen you in a long time. Is Eva (my wife) with you?”

“No,” I replied. “I left her …”

At that exact moment someone else interrupted our conversation. I turned to that person and never finished my sentence concerning my wife. Later that day, a friend’s wife approached me and said, “What’s this I hear about you and Eva? You’re separated?”

“Separated?” I was shocked. “Where did you hear that?”

“One of the women here told me she heard that you told someone that you’d left Eva.”

“No, we’re getting along just fine,” I replied, baffled.

“That’s strange,” she said. “I’ve actually heard it from several people.”

It took me a while to think over my conversations of the day. Then I recalled my brief encounter with the person who had asked if Eva was with me. When I said, “I left Eva …” and turned to respond to someone else, he concluded that I didn’t want to talk about it. He was troubled and disappointed that I would be speaking about family life when I was separated from my wife.

When he went to his hotel room, his wife was there. He said to her, “Did you know that Henry has left Eva?” His wife asked someone else about it, and so the rumor got started.

In reality, Eva and I were invited to go on a trip on a friend’s yacht. We were having a wonderful time enjoying the beauty and peacefulness of the Bahamas. It came time for me to go to this conference which was being held in San Francisco. Our friends urged Eva to stay in the Bahamas with them. I would have liked to stay myself, but we agreed that Eva would stay. When this man asked me if Eva was with me, my reply was interrupted. All he heard was, “I left her …” I never got to finish my sentence: “… on a yacht in the Bahamas.”

The next time I took the platform to speak, I told the entire group of conference attendees about the incident as an example of how communication can get fouled up. Apparently, some people didn’t believe me. A year later, in Portland, a minister very gingerly brought up the subject. “Did you leave your wife?” he asked.

Three years later, an associate of mine reported that he was still hearing about this incident. One of his secretaries had asked him, “How can you be so supportive of Dr. Brandt’s family ministry when he and his wife are separated?”

But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire.

The Dean Behind the Dormitory

Many years ago, a friend of mine, the dean of a small college, was called into a board meeting to answer charges that at night he was seen prowling around the windows of one of the women’s dormitories. He was told that there were a dozen witnesses who had reported his behavior. Unfortunately, there was not just one incident. The reports indicated that he had been seen there regularly.

The dean was flabbergasted. He insisted that there was no truth to the reports. But how could a dozen eyewitnesses be wrong?

Then it dawned on him. The garage that housed the school cars was located behind the women’s dormitory. This dean frequently went out at night to speak at various meetings and often arrived back on campus late at night. He used a school car for transportation. This was in the days before a car for such transportation became part of a person’s compensation package. When the board investigated, they found out that his facts were true.

What had happened is, one night, after he had put the car in the garage, a student was looking out her window and saw the dean walking behind the dormitory. She was amazed and told her roommate that she saw the dean window peeping. They told some other students, who, in turn, kept an eye on the back of the dorm to see if it happened again. Sure enough, they spotted him behind the dormitory week after week. As you can well imagine, this news spread rapidly throughout the campus and in letters back home to parents.

The students had not seen the dean looking into their windows but had assumed that because he was behind the dorm, that surely was the only reason he could be there.

A Trail of Destruction

We tend to be shocked when we learn that someone has stolen something or committed adultery, but we fail to realize how much destruction can occur through gossip.

The prophet Jeremiah observed,

What else can I do with my people?
For their tongues shoot lies like poisoned arrows.
They speak friendly words to their neighbors
while scheming in their heart to kill them. —Jeremiah 9:7–8

Our words ultimately reveal what is in our hearts. Your own sense of self-respect depends in part on your knowledge of how you manage your own words. We must ask God’s forgiveness for the negative ways in which we use our words, repenting of our sin, and asking for the Holy Spirit’s power to use our words in ways that build up others.

Wisdom

I have just described four ways in which we often use our words in a negative way. However, there are also many ways that we can use our words in a positive way, and nearly all of them involve wisdom on our part.

How we use our words not only affects others, it also builds up or
chips away our own sense of self-respect.

King Solomon, most known for his wisdom has a great deal to say about the use of our words.

The words of the godly are like sterling silver. —Proverbs 10:20

A gentle answer deflects anger. —Proverbs 15:1

Gentle words are a tree of life. —Proverbs 15:4

Everyone enjoys a fitting reply; it is wonderful to say the right thing at the right time!
—Proverbs 15:23

The king is pleased with words from righteous lips; he loves those who speak honestly.
—Proverbs 16:13

Kind words are like honey—sweet to the soul and healthy for the body. —Proverbs 16:24

Like apples of gold in settings of silver is a word spoken in right circumstances.
—Proverbs 25:11, NASB

Words from the mouth of the wise are gracious. —Ecclesiastes 10:12, NIV

Are your words “like sterling silver”? Are they gentle, fitting, righteous, honest, sweet to the soul, “spoken in right circumstances,” and gracious? How we use our words not only affects others, it also builds up or chips away our own sense of self-respect.

The interaction of Joseph with his brothers is an example to us of one way words can help or hinder our relationships. His brothers, who despised him and had determined to get rid of him, sold him into slavery. Joseph, however, after many trials and difficulties, achieved a place in Egypt second only to the king. When a time of famine came, Joseph was given charge of distributing food. His brothers had to go to Egypt to get food and were aghast when they discovered who Joseph was. After reconciling, all of Joseph’s family came to live in Egypt. But when their father died, the brothers were terrified that Joseph might finally seek revenge upon them. They decided to send Joseph a message, begging for mercy. Here is how the Bible describes what happened.

So Jacob’s sons did as he had commanded them. They carried his body to the land of Canaan and buried him in the cave in the field of Machpelah.… After burying Jacob, Joseph returned to Egypt with his brothers and all who had accompanied him to his father’s burial. But now that their father was dead, Joseph’s brothers became fearful. “Now Joseph will show his anger and pay us back for all the wrong we did to him,” they said.

So they sent this message to Joseph: “Before your father died, he instructed us to say to you: ‘Please forgive your brothers for the great wrong they did to you—for their sin in treating you so cruelly.’ So we, the servants of the God of your father, beg you to forgive our sin.” When Joseph received the message, he broke down and wept. Then his brothers came and threw themselves down before Joseph. “Look, we are your slaves!” they said.

But Joseph replied, “Don’t be afraid of me. Am I God, that I can punish you? You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people. No, don’t be afraid. I will continue to take care of you and your children.” So he reassured them by speaking kindly to them. —Genesis 50:12–21

Joseph used reassuring and kind words backed by godly behavior. His words and actions were based on his faith in God, not on the behavior or his brothers. This showed Joseph’s true character and also preserved his relationship with his family.

Kindness

I once shared this story at a conference with a group of mothers.

Ashley accidentally spilled her milk. She looked anxiously up at her mother, who quietly said, “You put your glass too close to your elbow, didn’t you?”

You could see the relief on Ashley’s face. The mother’s soft rebuke provided the necessary redirection without lashing out at her child. Her words taught the child how to avoid repetition of the incident without wreaking havoc on her self-esteem.

Later that evening, Ashley did not want to go to bed. Quietly, but firmly, the mother said, “It’s time for bed!”

Ashley began to whine, and so the mother took her firmly by the hand and directed her toward the bedroom. Ashley stiffened, and then gave up as her mother continued, “You need a good night’s sleep.”

This mother set the tone in this family by her soft answers that sprang from a kind heart and were backed by appropriate action.

A woman in the audience came to speak with me after the session. She told me she was in the habit of giving her children tongue lashings over spilled milk. She said that as I shared this illustration, on the spot, she had breathed a prayer of repentance and asked God to teach her to speak lovingly and quietly.

She later sent me a note telling me that when she returned home, that same night, her child had spilled some juice. To her surprise, she had said quietly, “Next time, keep the glass away from your elbow.”

Such conversation is necessary if we are to have healthy and happy relationships with the members of our families.

Discipline and Encouragement

The use of our words in a kind way does not imply a pathetic, spineless person who has no opinions or takes no action. We are surrounded by our responsibility for family members, friends, fellow Christians, and those we work with. Frequently, we must deal with the poor choices of other people. The Bible provides us with instruction on how to be effective in doing this!

In the book of Revelation, God said,

I correct and discipline everyone I love. —Revelation 3:19

Jesus, when instructing his disciples, said,

So watch yourselves! If another believer sins, rebuke that person; then if there is repentance, forgive. Even if that person wrongs you seven times a day and each time turns again and asks forgiveness, you must forgive. —Luke 17:3–4

In his second letter to Timothy, Paul instructed him,

Preach the word of God. Be prepared, whether the time is favorable or not. Patiently correct, rebuke, and encourage your people with good teaching. —2 Timothy 4:2

Again, Paul instructed Timothy,

Never speak harshly to an older man, but appeal to him respectfully as you would to your own father. Talk to younger men as you would to your own brothers. Treat older women as you would your mother, and treat younger women with all purity as you would your own sisters.—1 Timothy 5:1–2

To the Ephesians, Paul wrote,

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
—Ephesians. 4:29, NIV

In the book of Hebrews, we read,

Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another.
—Hebrews10:23–24

Recently, a friend was having a conversation with a man who was very angry over the poor service he received while getting his car repaired. As my friend listened to this man ranting over his poor service, the Holy Spirit prompted him to encourage the angry man to love the mechanics who had worked on his car. Surely this man would be better off if he could get rid of that anger. But, this is the very type of confrontation most of us avoid!

However, my friend decided he to lovingly confront the who was so angry. “It’s a pity to let those mechanics spoil your day. They aren’t even here, yet their poor performance is bothering you. Your anger surely isn’t affecting them any. They on the other side of town. You know, Jesus once said, “Love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike. If you love only those who love you, what reward is there for that?” (Matthew 5:44–46). Sure, you got a bad deal. But why don’t you just forgive him, and ask God to give you love for him? It would change your whole day.”

This man surprised my friend by saying, “You’re right. I’ll do it. How stupid of me to allow this to ruin my day.”

To encourage, reprove, rebuke, exhort, and instruct one another
is to help one another.

Instead of an angry response, the man appreciated the encouragement from my friend.

Here’s another example. I was the speaker at a church conference and seated beside the pastor for the meal preceding the program. It was a family-style banquet so everyone helped themselves. I noted the huge quantity of food he had heaped on his plate. It amazed me to see him take a second helping as large as his first. He noticed I was aware of what he was doing and leaned over toward me and said, “I’m a compulsive eater.”

In my mind, I was wondering how to reply in a gracious way, and after a moment I said, “There is a better way to describe it,” I said. “The Bible calls it gluttony.”

Well, obviously my words shocked him.

A year later, I was invited to speak in the same church at the same conference. To my surprise, the pastor had slimmed down considerably. His wife told me that my words had challenged him. He had even looked up the word “gluttony” in the Greek. He decided that his eating habits were a stumbling block to his people and were not pleasing to God. However, he surprised me by saying, “You are heavier than you were a year ago.”

“Yes,” I explained, “speaking at so many banquets, luncheons, and breakfasts makes it difficult to watch what you eat.”

“There is a better to describe it,” he replied gleefully. “It’s called gluttony.”

He gave my little words of exhortation right back to me! We have since become good friends. We encourage each other. It’s a good relationship.

To encourage, reprove, rebuke, exhort, and instruct one another is to help one another. It’s a rewarding experience to decide to be a positive influence with your words. In writing to Timothy, Paul said, “Hold on to the pattern of wholesome teaching you learned from me—a pattern shaped by the faith and love that you have in Christ Jesus” (2 Timothy 1:13).

Personal Responsibility

When we use our words in a godly way, we not only honor God, we also can know that we have done our part in helping to maintain positive relationships. In the Psalms, King David provides us with good guidelines for taking responsibility for ourselves and the use of our words.

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer. —Psalm 19:14

Take control of what I say, O LORD, and guard my lips. — Psalm 141:3

Keep your tongue from speaking evil and your lips from telling lies! Turn away from evil and do good. Search for peace, and work to maintain it. —Psalm 34:13–14

Power from the Holy Spirit will allow us to not only carefully reflect upon how we use our words but also enable us to use our words in a way in which God will use them to help others.

Guidelines for Restoring Your Relationships

We’ve all found ourselves embroiled in relationships that need mending. I’ve found these two biblical guidelines to be extremely helpful when trying to restore a relationship.

1. When you are aware that someone has something against you, it’s your move.

Jesus said,

So if you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God.
— Matthew 5:23–24

2. When you have something against someone else, it’s your move.

Jesus also said,

If a fellow believer hurts you, go and tell him—work it out between the two of you. If he listens, you’ve made a friend. If he won’t listen, take one or two others along so that the presence of witnesses will keep things honest, and try again. If he still won’t listen, tell the church. If he won’t listen to the church, you’ll have to start over from scratch, confront him with the need for repentance, and offer again God’s forgiving love.
—Matthew 18:15–17, MSG

What is Jesus saying? Simply that whether you have something against someone, or someone has something against you, either way it’s your responsibility to go to that person and attempt a reconciliation, even if it means extra effort on your part.

The apostle Paul said,

Speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church. —Ephesians 4:15

The goal, then, is not only reconciliation, but also helping each other grow up. You cannot approach the other person with hostility in your heart. You must approach reconciliation with truth and love and a desire to be Christlike.

Your only hope is to turn to God for help. What he will do for you is described by the prophet Isaiah,

The Sovereign Lord has given me his words of wisdom,
so that I know how to comfort the weary.
Morning by morning he wakens me
and opens my understanding to his will.
The Sovereign Lord has spoken to me,
and I have listened.
I have not rebelled or turned away.
—Isaiah 50:4–5

Questions for Reflection/Discussion:

1. In what ways do you use your words in a negative way? What can you do to begin to change the way in which you use your negative words?
2. In which situations in your life do you consistently honor God by using your words in a Christlike way? What difference does this make in your life?
3. Is there a relationship in your life that you need to restore? What steps will you take to make it happen?

Memorize: Psalm 19:14

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.

A friend of mine was the supervisor of summer volunteers for a mission organization. He shared this story with me that illustrates that how we respond to our life situations really does make all the difference in the world.

He assigned two couples to different areas of an island populated with disadvantaged people. Each couple was to establish a recreational program for the children and a Bible study program for the adults.

When my friend visited the island two weeks later to see how the work was progressing, he found the first couple disgusted, sullen, and depressed.

“We hate this place,” they said. “The children are wild and unmanageable, and they have lice in their hair. The adults are unfriendly. They come to our meetings an hour late or not at all. If they do show up, most of them sleep through the meeting. We hate the taste of the water and can’t stand living in this dump. We want out.”

Then the supervisor visited the second couple. When they opened the door, he was greeted warmly by two people whose faces were covered with soot.

“Come on in,” they said. “Our oil stove just exploded. A few minutes ago, everything was clean, and then … BANG! Just look at this mess. Come on in, you can help us clean it up,” they laughed.

As they worked on the cleanup, this couple described to their supervisor their experience with the island people. “We found out that when we tried to teach these people about love and responsibility and cleanliness, they didn’t know what we were talking about. The kids are wild, and the adults won’t cooperate, so we got mad at them. We stayed away from them for a few days and tried to justify our own nasty attitudes. Then, it dawned on us that we weren’t loving and responsible either—just clean. We remembered some verses about Jesus:

He came to his own people, and even they rejected him. —John 1:11

God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.—Romans 5:8

“We thanked God for showing us that we were not treating this people as Jesus would. We asked God to forgive us and give us a loving spirit. He did, and what a change. Now, we love it here. The kids still don’t participate in our program, and the adults ignore our Bible studies, but we keep at it and we love it here. It is a huge challenge, but God is filling our hearts with his love.”

Then the husband said, “Hey, do you want to go fishing? A week ago, I spotted some men getting into a boat, so I jumped in and asked to go along. They didn’t like it, but before the day was over, at least they weren’t ignoring me. Now, they even invite me to go along. They’ve taught me how to filet the fish and have showed me where the fishing holes are.”

It’s remarkable how differently people can respond to the same set of circumstances. Two couples, living in the same place with the same people, with sharply contrasting responses and attitudes.

Reactions

Your reactions come from what I like to refer to as your inner life. And the management of your inner life is, to me, the most important subject in this book because it directly influences your happiness. Every day you will either reveal or conceal your feelings, emotions, attitudes, intentions, and thoughts stimulated by the people and events in your life. And whether you reveal or conceal them, they are still there, coming from within you.

You can’t control what other people do around you. Neither can you control all the events of your day. However, you can control your reactions to the people and events around you. How you respond will either build up or chip away at your self-respect, depending on how you manage what goes on underneath your skin.

The management of your inner life directly influences
your happiness.

When psychologists write about the inner life, they often refer to pleasant and unpleasant feelings, or positive and negative emotions. There are two kinds of pleasant feelings and emotions.

The first type of pleasant feeling is a response to something highly pleasurable and satisfying, whether it be people or circumstances. We describe ourselves as excited, elated, thrilled, ecstatic, or exhilarated. This is a high state of emotional engagement. We experience bodily changes such as a pounding heart, increase in respiration rate, and/or muscle tension. Such responses can be experienced at an athletic event, a suspense movie, a concert, when anticipating some event, on the arrival of a special friend or relative, in the presence of someone special, or while participating in something challenging.

It takes a lot of energy to sustain emotion on this level and there comes a point when the excitement, pleasant as it is, must cease, or it becomes unpleasant.

The second type of positive emotion comes from an inner life that is calm, still, and quiet. Our muscles are relaxed and our heartbeat is normal. There is freedom from nervousness. We are experiencing peace.

Feeling happy today is not a sure test of whether your feelings and emotions are resting on a firm foundation. One can experience elation, pleasure, and joy over successfully cheating, stealing, lying, deceiving, having an affair, breaking the law, going through an ill-advised divorce, and treating others with cruelty and selfishness. In the long run, our good feelings must be based squarely on God’s Word or they will turn to ashes.

Negative Feelings and Emotions

When we experience unpleasant feelings and negative emotions we are often filled with tension, restlessness, anxiety, and frustration. Sometimes we experience physical symptoms such as tense muscles, a pounding heart, faulty digestion, and/or nervousness. All of this describes an inner condition that can be summed up in one word: misery.

The pace of modern-day living is unprecedented. We experience crisis upon crisis with unpredictable changes in people and circumstances. A common response to this pace is misery, a tension that invades the soul and even the nervous system. We can’t endure misery for very long. Something must be done about it. Peace must be restored.

There is general agreement among physicians, psychiatrists, psychologists, and ministers regarding the destructive behaviors that result from living life in absence of peace.

Dr. O. Spurgeon English, one of the first psychotherapists to write about the connections between mental and physical health was a practicing psychiatrist when he was appointed a professor of clinical psychiatry at Temple University. With Edward Weiss, who was also an M.D., he co-authored the book Psychosomatic Medicine, the first medical text to make the connection between stress and physical ailments, a book that is still available in hard cover copy. Later, he led a Temple Hospital department created to treat people suffering from depression or stress-induced illnesses. One of his colleagues described him as “one of the great American psychiatrists of the 20th century.” He frequently spoke out about the role of emotions in mental and physical health. His research was so foundational that it is still relative today.

Dr. English said there are certain emotional centers in the brain linked to the entire body through the autonomic nervous system. He described charges of emotions that are relays from the brain down the spinal cord and through the autonomic nerves to the blood vessels, muscle tissues, mucous membranes, and skin. He points out that under emotional stress all parts of the body can be subjected to physical discomfort.

You may be thinking, How can my thoughts and feelings cause pain in my body?

Dr. English explains that an emotion such as fear can cause the mouth to become dry. This means that the blood vessels have constricted and the blood supply and glandular activity have been reduced. This dryness will occur, for example, in someone who must make a speech and is afraid. Laboratory tests show that under stress of emotion the same decrease in glandular activity occurs in the mucous membrane and various parts of the digestive tract. Not only does the blood supply change markedly, but secretions of various types increase or decrease in an abnormal manner. Changes in muscle tone in the digestive region can occur, causing painful cramps.

It has also been proven that emotional stress will increase the size of the blood vessels in the head and this can produce pain because of the stretching of the tissues around the blood vessels and their pressure on the nerve endings.

Dr. English noted,

For decades, it has been known that a personality problem which cannot be solved by the mind itself is prone to be ‘turned over’ or ‘taken up’ by some other part of the body. When an irritating friend or a troublesome family member cannot be coped with, the patient becomes ‘sick,’ he can’t ‘stomach’ it. The physician knows that the cause of these gastrointestinal disturbances is emotional conflict. He knows it is the attitudes of generosity and responsibility struggling with an opposing wish to escape them.

Physician S.I. McMillen, a medical missionary to Africa, once said, “The moment I start hating a man, I become his slave. I can’t enjoy my work anymore because he controls my thoughts.”

Our negative feelings and emotions cause tension, anxiety, and frustration, and often misery. Here is a short list of some of them:

                           hatred                                          self-centeredness

                           resentment                                  ambition

                           anger                                            envy

                           frustration                                   jealousy

                           conceit                                         sorrow

                           shame                                          fear

These feelings and emotions are actually violations of God’s commandments and therefore, when they exist within in us, they chip away at our self-respect and ultimate happiness. Read these Bible verses carefully:

Don’t worry about the wicked or envy those who do wrong. —Psalm 37:1

Stop being angry! Turn from your rage! Do not lose your temper—it only leads to harm.
—Psalm 37:8

A peaceful heart leads to a healthy body; jealousy is like cancer in the bones.
—Proverbs 14:30

Control your temper, for anger labels you a fool. —Ecclesiastes 7:9

Let us not become conceited, or provoke one another, or be jealous of one another.
—Galatians 5:26

For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind. —James 3:16

Matt and Sara

Matt and Sara went on a skiing vacation. They arrived at their destination and when they checked in at their hotel were pleasantly surprised to find that they were able to change their reservation from a more expensive room to one that was cheaper. They had a terrific week with evenings spent around the fireplace after a day of skiing.

After their glorious week of skiing they went down to check out of the hotel—only to discover they had to pay the more expensive rate for their room. They argued, but the management stood firm. “You reserved a room at the expensive rate, so we’re charging you that rate whether you stayed in that room or not.”

Matt bitterly paid the more expensive rate and went muttering to the car. As they drove home, he fumed and fussed. Their entire week was ruined. Suddenly, neither he or Sara could find one positive thing to focus on about the whole week in spite of the fact it had been a perfect vacation until checkout time.

What had really ruined their wonderful week of skiing? The decision of the management? No. It was the couple’s reaction to the hotel’s business decision. They were filled with hateful, angry, bitter emotions that wiped out a beautiful experience.

Joe

Joe came to see me because his marriage had collapsed and he had lost his job. He was depressed and disillusioned.

It wasn’t like this a few years back. Joe, from a small town, had been recruited by a major university to play football. He didn’t expect to see a lot of play time but he loved the game. Then the regular fullback broke his ankle and Joe was picked at random to run some plays. To everyone’s surprise, he became the starter.

What followed were three years of weekly headlines, interviews, the roar of the crowd, and autograph seekers. He was allowed to choose easy courses, and his teachers gave him good grades for very little work.

Joe loved every minute of it. He was completely and happily taken up with the attention and popularity that was his, and before his senior year he married one of the cheerleaders.

After graduation, at age twenty-three, Joe was sobered to realize he was unprepared for any kind of work. His reputation as a football player got him into an executive training program, but he quickly dropped out for lack of basic knowledge. All he knew was football. When he was stripped of the glamour of being a star player, all he had left was a big body going soft.

Without any knowledge or skills, and a mismatched marriage, Joe suddenly had to face the fact that he had been on a glamorous road that had led to a dead end. Now, his life was empty. Three happy years of incredible popularity had turned to ashes, and he was miserable, bitter, and frustrated.

Ryan and Katie

Ryan and Katie met in college and soon after graduation they married. Ryan provided his family with a beautiful home and plenty of money while Katie had the privilege of staying home and volunteering for the kids’ activities and in the community. However, Ryan was constantly irritated with his children.

For instance, one evening, while the family was having a delicious dinner, one of the children refused to eat the peas on his plate. Ryan was determined that the child eat them. The child flatly refused, so his father threatened a punishment.

 Katie told him to stop pushing. Angrily, he continued to press the issue, finally taking away the child’s privileges for a week. Katie started a heated argument with him.

Finally, Ryan stormed out of the room, and the two of them ended up not speaking to each other for a week.

You would think that two college graduates could resolve such a simple issue. Ryan had no problem with Katie or his children when they did what he asked. And Katie was always agreeable as long as she got her own way.

When they came for counseling they both agreed that hostility and stubbornness over simple matters turned their lovely home into a battleground.

We often respond to the simple, normal details of life with emotions that are as intense as if we were facing a major crisis.

Experiencing Peace

Jesus once said to his disciples, “I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid” (John 14:27).

            There are two kinds of peace:

            1) the kind this world gives, and

            2) the kind Jesus gives.

This World’s Peace

Jesus said that in this world we can find peace, but he made it clear that it’s not his peace. In this world we can find release from our negative feelings and emotions in a variety of ways that initially do help us feel more peaceful.

Exercise: There are many recreational programs and activities available in many communities. Choose something you enjoy. Better yet, choose someone you enjoy being with to do it with you. Exercise is a proven way to release the stress in your life and help you feel more positive about your life situations.

Relaxation and Massage: There are many study courses offered by high schools, colleges, and professionals that teach us how to relax our muscles from head to toe. Therapeutic massage by a reputable, trained therapist also helps many people to experience relief from their anxiety and tension.

Quiet Activity: We can relax by reading, watching television, or listening to music. There are hundreds of table games available and an endless variety of hobbies.

Busyness: There is actually a kind of peace and joy that we experience as we volunteer, use our skills, meet people, attend meetings, travel, participate in civic or church work, or even pursue additional education.

Change: We can remove ourselves from certain people, change jobs, move to another location, or decide to no longer complete disagreeable tasks. There is private therapy and group therapy available that enables us to explore the mind and emotions. We can change our philosophy, our standards, and morals. Many people seek peace by living it up, asserting their independence, doing their own thing, or discovering themselves. This can be a dangerous path.

Chemicals: Unfortunately, we have become a pill-popping society. We can have prescribed to us a multitude of uppers and downers. Many people are actually addicted to hard drugs. A major source for calming us down is the use of alcohol. Although chemicals provide an avenue for experiencing peace, they must be used very carefully.

King Solomon, who is described in the Bible as the wisest and richest of men, wrote of his efforts to taste of everything life has to offer. He had inherited his kingdom and his wealth from his father, King David. He sampled wisdom, pleasure, wine, and folly. He built houses, vineyards, orchards, and gardens. He had wives and concubines, servants, and children. The book of Ecclesiastes contains twelve chapters describing his quest. He concluded:

But as I looked at everything I had worked so hard to accomplish, it was all so meaningless—like chasing the wind. There was nothing really worthwhile anywhere.
—Ecclesiastes 2:11

The activities and strategies available to us can help relieve the effects of unpleasant feelings and negative emotions but can’t remove them. Multitudes of retired people will testify to that. And although the world offers positive ways for us to find relief from our tension, the peace we experience is still only temporary. Sooner or later, all our efforts to find peace from this world turn to ashes. When we are trapped by circumstances and people, or when we take time to carefully reflect on our lives, the restlessness, anxiety, and frustration return.

Jesus’ Peace

There is a deeper kind of peace than the kind that simply relieves our body and mind. It comes when you yield yourself to God and let his peace invade your soul. Jesus said,

“I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me.”
—John 14:6

“Look! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends.” —Revelation 3:20

“Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” —Matthew 11:28–29

“I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow!” —John 15:11

“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”—John 16:33

The apostle Paul also points us to God’s peace:

I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. —Romans 15:13

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. —Philippians 4:6–7

We ask God to give you complete knowledge of his will and to give you spiritual wisdom and understanding. Then the way you live will always honor and please the Lord, and your lives will produce every kind of good fruit. All the while, you will grow as you learn to know God better and better. We also pray that you will be strengthened with all his glorious power so you will have all the endurance and patience you need. May you be filled with joy, always thanking the Father.—Colossians 1:9–12

The Old Testament reminds us:

Be still, and know that I am God! —Psalm 46:10

In order to experience this kind of peace we must begin a relationship with God through Jesus Christ. We must be “born again.” We must be born into the family of God.

There was a man named Nicodemus, a ruler of the Jews. This man came to Jesus one night and the two of them had the following conversation:

“Rabbi,” [Nicodemus] said, “we all know that God has sent you to teach us. Your miraculous signs are evidence that God is with you.”

Jesus replied, “I tell you the truth, unless you are born again, you cannot see the Kingdom of God.”

“What do you mean?” exclaimed Nicodemus. “How can an old man go back into his mother’s womb and be born again?”

Jesus replied, “I assure you, no one can enter the Kingdom of God without being born of water and the Spirit. Humans can reproduce only human life, but the Holy Spirit gives birth to spiritual life.” —John 3:2–6

Later in that same chapter of the Bible, Jesus said,

“For this is how God loved the world: He gavehis one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him.” —John 3:16–17

Many people stumble over the simplicity of this simple step. You are “born again,” or saved from your sin, when you believe in Jesus and ask him into your life. You have either taken this step or you have not.

 Recently, I proposed this step to one of my clients. He became extremely irritated.

“Don’t tell me God will help me,” he said. “I’ve asked God for help many times, and it doesn’t work.”

“When did you ask him to come into your life?” I asked.

“I’ve been a Christian all my life,” he said. “I grew up in church.”

I persisted. “When did you ask him to come into your life?”

 “I can’t remember,” he said.

This man was not answering my question. I asked if he remembered when he purchased his last car. That he could remember. He also admitted, when I asked, that he purchased the car by a specific action. He didn’t purchase it by simply thinking about it … or about its construction … or by considering all the standard equipment and special features of the car. Only when he agreed to the deal did he purchase the car. He definitely remembered that.

He also remembered exactly when he got married, when he purchased airplane tickets for his last flight, when he accepted his present job. All of these events had required specific action on his part.

Jesus is the way to God’s peace.

You are born again only when you ask Jesus to invade your life. Otherwise, it’s no deal. You must take this important step at some point in your life. Jesus is the way to God’s peace. To let him into your life gives you access to God’s resources of peace, joy, hope, and patience.

It is only when you take this step that you can put everything and everyone into his hands. You can stop striving and let his peace guard your heart, mind, and body.

Finding Peace in the Midst of Your Struggle

It does not follow that just because you have access to God’s peace that you will give him your troubles, conflicts, injustices, hate, hostility, and frustration. You can, but you can also nurture them within your mind.

Let me share with you a struggle that I went through even though Jesus was in my life.

During World War II, I was an engineer for a company responsible for designing some of the tools necessary for the production of vital airplane engines. We were under great pressure to get our work done and have it done right. There was a good deal of bickering and jealousy between all of us in my department.

My boss was a mean, tobacco-chewing, self-made individual who had worked himself up from the production line to chief engineer. There was a large window in the wall of his office facing the production floor, so that he could keep an eye on what was going on. We could also see him.

Inside his office was an odd arrangement. Beside his desk was a piece of rubber matting three feet in diameter. In the center of the mat sat a highly polished brass spittoon. I realize, of course, that this type of thing would never be permitted in a work environment today, but this was in the 1940s.

Frequently, we engineers would see the boss loading his jaw with tobacco. When he finished, his jaw looked like he had an apple in his cheek. When he started to chew, we all braced ourselves because we knew someone was in trouble. He would spit in the general direction of the spittoon (he seldom hit it) and shout someone’s name with all the ferocity of an Indian war cry:

“Brandt! Brraaaannnnnnddddddtt!”

I instantly became furious. One word from him and I was fighting mad. I hated him … and his messy, ugly spittoon. Of course, you don’t tell the boss off and so I developed the art of entering his office with a friendly smile on my face and talking to him in a cordial manner while hatefully seething within and contemplating punching him out.

Well, nobody can keep up an act like that twenty-four hours every day, so I when I got home from work I would take out my frustration on my wife and child at home.

“Turn down that music!” I shouted at my wife. I’d yell at our three-year-old for playing with his toys. I’d always be ashamed of myself and determine again and again not to talk and act like that. But it kept happening.

There were some very tense evenings in our home created by my negative feelings and emotions. I eventually dreaded going home because of the scene I might create there.

My conduct around my boss and family is clearly described in the Bible:

His words are as smooth as butter, but in his heart is war. His words are as soothing as lotion, but underneath are daggers! —Psalm 55:21

Laughter can conceal a heavy heart, but when the laughter ends, the grief remains.
—Proverbs 14:13

Short-tempered people do foolish things, and schemers are hated.—Proverbs 14:17

At the time, I had no knowledge of the Bible, so these verses were unknown to me. However, with my stomach in knots and my body in a constant state of tension, I had to do something. My choice was to seek a solution out of the Bible. My search led me to some disturbing verses. For example:

Don’t sin by letting anger control you. Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil. —Ephesians 4:26

Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. —Ephesians 4:31

What’s wrong with being angry and bitter and malicious toward my boss? I argued with myself. And, how can I turn off my anger at sundown? Besides, if he didn’t yell, and if my wife were more understanding of my stress at work, and if our child would behave, I wouldn’t be angry in the first place.

These verses struck me as unrealistic and unreasonable, and actually became the source of more tension. However, another verse was even more disturbing:

Be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. —Ephesians 4:32

I had no intention of being kind to my boss, or tenderhearted to my wife when she was indifferent to my problems. After all, I felt I was entitled to my grudges. But my misery continued. My whole body was tense.

I finally concluded that when my body was filled with tension and hostility and my mind was loaded with ugly thoughts, my inner condition surely wasn’t affecting my boss, my wife, or my child. They didn’t live underneath my skin. The Bible was right. To be kind, tender-hearted, and forgiving made sense. I would crank up my will power and determination and push the hate, anger, bitterness, and self-pity out of my body. What a relief that would be.

A few days later, however, came a bitter disappointment. The boss had finished loading his jaw with tobacco and was getting ready to spit. Somehow, I just knew my name would follow the spit and found myself tensing up. When he yelled, “Brrraaannnddt!” I was as furious as ever. This was disappointing and frustrating me. I was trying to live up to what the Bible said and couldn’t do it.

And I was still a growling tyrant around the house. I went through a period of time being bitter toward God and sputtering about the Bible. Here was a book that described a way of behaving that couldn’t be lived up to.

But I continued my search, and one day came upon some verses that gave me an answer and changed my whole inner life:

We are confident of all this because of our great trust in God through Christ. It is not that we think we are qualified to do anything on our own. Our qualification comes from God. He has enabled us to be ministers of his new covenant. This is a covenant not of written laws, but of the Spirit. The old written covenant ends in death; but under the new covenant, the Spirit gives life. —2 Corinthians 3:4–6

Those verses stopped me. I had a hard time understanding what they were saying. I was qualified! I had an education and a job. I had received promotions and made some good investments. I had married a beautiful wife and we lived in a beautiful home. All without God’s help, thank you very much.

After a few days of rejecting that passage, I reread it and noticed the final phrase: the Spirit gives life. Consider that thought. Anyone can obey the letter of the law, but it is the Holy Spirit that gives us life. I was responding to my boss in a positive manner outwardly, while at the same time rebelling inwardly.

Anyone can obey the letter of the law, but it is the Holy Spirit
that gives us life.

It was the rebellion I couldn’t take care of on my own. It was my hostility, anger, and hatred that I couldn’t eliminate from my life on my own. I could control my temper at home if I tried hard enough, but I couldn’t eliminate my resentment on my own. Living up to the letter of the law was killing me. I needed the Holy Spirit. That’s where my inadequacy was. This truth was like a shaft of light.

I asked God to fill me with the Holy Spirit’s life, to help me love my boss, my wife, and child—to keep my mind and my body quiet when things didn’t go right.

A few days later my boss was again loading his jaw with tobacco. He shot some at the spittoon and let out his war whoop: “Brrrraaaaannnnnddddtttt!”

I heard it, but I was quiet. This was unbelievable. I wasn’t angry.

My inner life matched my outward behavior for the first time. What a relief! My boss’s antics began to amuse me. I had a new spirit. God filled me with his peace—at work, at home, everywhere. My real relationship with God changed my life and even my profession. God would quiet my spirit whenever I let him.

Gradually, I learned to lean on God’s peace more and more. I’ve spent the last thirty-five years helping thousands of people find true peace by tapping into the Holy Spirit’s power. He is the one who gives us peace that can’t be influenced by people or circumstances.

Emily’s Headaches

I was sharing my story with a group of people recently at a conference. The next day, Emily came to tell me her story. She had had continuous headaches for several years. Medical tests and x-rays could not isolate the cause. Medication didn’t help. After listening to my story, she went to her room and told God how she hated the snake of a husband she had divorced several years ago.

As she was complaining to God, she realized she was only punishing herself by hating someone who was 3,000 miles away. She asked Jesus to come into her life and give her his Spirit and take the hate away.

She said to me, “This is the first day in several years that I have not had a headache.”

Four days later, she was still free from her headache.

Kathy’s Resentment

Kathy approached me about her husband. They had been married some twenty years. They were active in their church, he was even an elder. But he kept a bottle of vodka in his office and had already had too much to drink by the time he arrived home from the office at the end of the day. He demanded she prepare supper every night, even though his arrival time was unpredictable. He also expected her to sit with him to watch television every evening even though he only watched the sports channel and she had absolutely no interest in sports.

Now that their children were out of the house, this relationship had become unbearable. She had never complained to her husband, she said, but she was consumed with rebellion and resentment and anger. She couldn’t stand it much longer.

I pointed out to her that she had two problems. Her husband was obviously one of them. He was inconsiderate, selfish, and demanding. But her most serious problem was what went on underneath her skin.

“But I have served him faithfully,” she protested. It did appear that her behavior was beyond criticism. She doggedly was living up to the letter of the law. But, God’s Spirit was missing.

“My husband only thinks about himself.”

I hear this line of reasoning constantly. “My inner life is caused by the people or circumstances in my life. How else do you expect me to respond? Am I supposed to enjoy such treatment? Haven’t I put up with this long enough? Don’t I deserve some consideration, too?”

This dear woman was convinced that her inner life was in the hands of her husband. I challenged her to allow the Holy Spirit to invade her life. Several months later, I received a letter from her.

Nothing has changed in our marriage, but I am contented. I was so angry with you for what you said to me about myself—but you were right! Before that I hadn’t really recognized my own sin. God had to do work in my life. The process was difficult, but the result is beautiful. When you are submissive to the strong hand of God, he works in a powerful way. He has forgiven and cleansed and filled my heart with joy.

I praise Him for this mercy and grace. Once again, I want to say “thank you” from the depths of my heart.

Monica’s Rejection

This next letter came from Monica, a lovely young woman who experienced a nervous breakdown. When she came to see me for counseling, she was bitter and resentful. Her letter tells part of her story:

I told you my problem was not being invited to join the Junior League, and I really had a hang-up about this. I’d never been interested enough to do all the work required of a member and I refused to butter up the current League members, so I was not invited to join.

I was extremely disappointed. I’ve never felt as crushed or deeply hurt over anything. Most of my friends are members of this group, and I felt completely abandoned and rejected. I felt guilty that I let my family down.

I cried and cried over this for hours at a time. I felt that so many people could have helped me, and I got mad at them. You helped me to see that I was even mad at Almighty God.

Even though I have a Christian husband, a lovely family, and most every material thing I want, I was miserable. I had told God to just take my life.

I kept telling you my problem was getting left out of the Junior League, and you kept telling me my problem was my attitude toward what happened.

 After my second session with you, I asked God to give me his peace. I can’t tell you exactly how it happened. My situation remained the same, but God erased all the hurt feelings from me I literally felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

Then, I wondered if the peace would last. The Holy Spirit brought to my mind that part of John 14, where Jesus says: “My peace I give unto you. Not as the world gives give I unto you.” I’d always thought this verse was just for funerals!

It has been three years since I saw you and only a couple of times in those three years have I felt a little pang of the old hurt, but each time I immediately thank God for the peace he’s given me and he calms my inner self.

God has even changed my desires so that I honestly can’t imagine how I ever thought the Junior League was so important to me.

Andrew’s Temper

When Andrew first came to see me, he looked like a wild man, with sharp, piercing eyes. The muscles in his face were all tightened up, he drummed his fingers on the table, and he jerked his knee constantly. He was a hard, unyielding man. No one crossed him without getting a blast of his vicious temper. His big, strong, heavy-set body made him look dangerous indeed.

But underneath all that was a soul that longed for peace and a quiet heart. Oh, he argued with me for many months, but this man eventually allowed Jesus into his life. He now has a compassionate heart and is increasingly considerate of others. He let God come into his life and clean out that nastiness and replace it with peace.

Mark’s Anger

Mark is a brilliant engineer. But he didn’t come to see me because he had a sprawling home nestled in 200 acres of rolling hills, a jet plane, and a prosperous manufacturing plant that produced more money than he knew what to do with. He came because he was tired of being angry all the time. Everything irritated him and his disposition made life miserable for his family and employees.

Golf, tennis, good food, travel, and elite surroundings didn’t help him. He needed to be born again and allow Jesus to give him peace.

Mark didn’t want to believe he needed Jesus. But he had to reach out an empty hand and receive salvation like everyone else. He struggled a long time over this simple proposition, clinging to his insistence that business pressures were his problem. He was searching for a way to manage himself.

He finally gave in and reached out that empty hand to receive from God the gift freely given through Jesus. His life was miraculous changed. The Holy Spirit filled him with a new sense of joy and peace and purpose.

Allowing Jesus to Fill Us with His Peace

There is a common thread winding through all these stories. In each case, the person involved was responding to people or circumstances that were outside of themselves. Their reactions in each case were similar: anger, bitterness, stubbornness, rebellion, and/or hate which became intolerable.

In each situation, the idea that the people and circumstances involved were revealing rather than causing their reactions was firmly rejected. The possibility of becoming a loving, peaceful, joyful person without the people or circumstances changing was an unacceptable option for them. If nothing changed, they preferred to be mad and miserable rather than happy and peaceful.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Jesus, who knows all about us, said,

God’s light came into the world, but people loved the darkness more than the light, for their actions were evil. All who do evil hate the light and refuse to go near it for fear their sins will be exposed. But those who do what is right come to the light so others can see that they are doing what God wants. —John 3:19–21

The prophet Jeremiah gives us another glimpse of the human heart:

The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is? But I, the LORD, search all hearts and examine secret motives. I give all people their due rewards, according to what their actions deserve. —Jeremiah 17:9–10

There it is. In the deepest part of us, we are wicked. We are at least vaguely aware of our evil inner life, but we hate to admit it. We tend to turn away from such light. And the more brilliant we think we are, the more capable we are of coming up with endless varieties of ways to justify our attitudes and behavior.

However, there is hope! When we finally quit running, the Lord will search our hearts, show us our evil ways, clean us up, and fill us with his power. We can experience happiness and peace! Nevertheless, God’s peace requires a continual drawing upon his resources. We need to draw upon the wisdom of God’s Word and allow the Holy Spirit to empower us to live a life of peace and contentment.

Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.—Colossians 3:12–13

And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful.—Colossians 3:15

Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.
—1 Thessalonians 5:18

The wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and the fruit of good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. —James 3:17

Of course, you get no credit for being patient if you are beaten for doing wrong. But if you suffer for doing good and endure it patiently, God is pleased with you.—1 Peter 2:20

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! —1 Corinthians 13:4–8

Take a close look at the qualities contained in these verses:

kindness                                tenderhearted mercy

peace                                      thankful

forgiving                                sincerity

holiness                                 enduring

humility                                 not irritable

gentleness                             not jealous

patience                                 wisdom

loving                                     not boastful

hope                                       willing to yield to others

peace loving                          rejoicing in truth

The more you seek after God’s peace, the more you will experience the happiness and contentment that only he can give.

Questions for Reflection/Discussion:

1. What are some of the negative emotions and feelings that are controlling your life? After reading this chapter, what is one step you can take with the Holy Spirit’s help to overcome them?
2. What are some of this world’s solutions that you have found give you peace?
3. Is there a situation in your life that you need to allow God to change your perspective? Take time to pray and ask for his strength and power to release your negative response to this situation and to be filled with his peace.

Memorize: Colossians 3:12–13

Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.