Apicontent

The person who progresses steadily from childhood into adulthood, and experiences peace along the way, learns to shift gradually and quite normally with the situations of life. Sometimes, however, a person will meet rebuffs, disappointments, failure, or tragedy with a variety of behaviors that are not only childish, but real deterrents to experiencing peace.

Regressive Behavior

To regress is simply to revert to childish ways of reacting to unpleasant situations.

Think for a moment about how children get their own way. They resort to tears, screams, whining, temper tantrums, or sulking to get what they want when they want. They will break things, fight, throw up, refuse to eat, or become hard to manage. Unfortunately, children often find that such methods work amazingly well. And because of past successes with this type of behavior, they are often reluctant to give up these tried and proven means to an end.

But, as they grow, children are taught that these techniques must be abandoned or at least restrained. They learn that other people have rights that must be respected. They (hopefully) discover that to live happily, they must accept the fact that they cannot always satisfy their own wants and desires. They learn, for example, that honor, respect, praise, and love come not from demand or by force but because they are earned by work, honest effort, and continuous adjustment to changing circumstances.

Janet is meticulous about her home—but her method for keeping it looking pristine is to sulk if someone walks across the carpet with their shoes on. Her husband, who is not so fussy about how the house looks, has learned that he is better off if he spends his spare time watching television in the basement instead of sitting in the living room. He doesn’t want to run the risk of upsetting his wife. Janet rules the roost; she controls a big, strong, rugged man by the simple device of resorting to a childish form of behavior—pouting.

Scott appears to be a calm man. But those who know him intimately are fully aware that if things go against his liking he will lose his temper. His associates typically give in to his demands, and it appears that they agree with him, but all they are doing is preventing a nasty storm from developing. Hence, he controls a situation by merely threatening to regress to childish behavior.

Jarod is a business executive who travels a great deal for his job. In typical fashion, he came running down one of the long corridors at the airport in an attempt to catch his plane. Breathless, he approached the agent at the gate and presented his ticket. “That’s my plane out there, isn’t it?” he said breathlessly, pointing to a jet on the concrete apron. Yes, it was his plane. But all preparations had been made for departure and the jet was beginning to taxi away from the boarding site.

“Maybe you don’t know who I am,” Jarod yelled. “I travel on this airline extensively for my corporation.”

The agent said he was sorry but there was nothing he could do. With a crowd of other travelers looking on, Jarod exploded. “I warn you, if you don’t get me on that plane, I’ll see to it that you have a job handling baggage and my company will never book another flight with this airline.”

Jarod had worked himself into a frenzy and embarrassed himself (and his company). But his blustering behavior did nothing for him—except to chip away at his own self-respect and reputation.

Getting your own way by hysteria, bullying, vengeful silence, cleverness, or scheming does not give you peace.

Sometimes regressive behavior works; most often it does not. But even when it succeeds in achieving an immediate objective, it leaves the one who uses it with at least a vague sense of disappointment in himself.

Many of the unhappy people who seek the help of a counselor are accomplishing a great deal; but they have an idea that their childish behavior is costing them something. They sense that people avoid or ignore them. They understand that their friends or business associates are putting up with them for the sake of politeness, or because they have something to gain for their tolerance.

Getting your own way by hysteria, bullying, vengeful silence, cleverness, or scheming does not give you peace. These behaviors surely are options for getting what you want, but they will always leave you dissatisfied.

Suppression

Another behavior that a person may use to achieve peace is suppression. In literature on psychology, suppression is referred to as a conscious, deliberate, purposeful forgetting or submerging of unpleasant childhood experiences and negative reactions to people and circumstances.

To illustrate: Ethan’s father was a demanding, dominating, cruel man. As a boy, Ethan had been required to perform a long list of chores letter-perfect. If he slipped up or stepped out of line, his dad lashed out at him with severe verbal whippings. Sometimes his father required a form of penance, such as extra chores or missing a desired activity.

Ethan grew up hating his father. As an adult he repressed the memories of his childhood most of the time. When anyone gave him a direct order, however, he saw the image of his father in that person and reacted negatively.

Suppression is not limited to experiences of the childhood. In the growing-up process everyone has known what it is to have desires, emotions, and natural inclinations that are at variance with the demands of society. Unfortunately, the usual way of dealing with non-permissible thoughts is to relegate them to the back of your mind.

Repression

Repression also involves submerging or forgetting unhappy past experiences, negative attitudes, aspirations, or feelings. However, it differs from suppression in that by repression the unhappy experiences or attitudes are pushed out of the mind unknowingly.

One’s collection of gripes, complaints, hates, and suppressed desires and actions can become so great that many of them disappear from memory. Though they no longer come to mind, they are nevertheless there. The fact that they lurk in the shadows is evident by frequent eruptions in the form of touchiness or anxiety. One becomes tense, irritable, uneasy, subject to long silences, sensitive, tired for no explainable reason, or full of aches and pains that cannot be corrected by medical treatment. It is obvious that a person who is always in danger of being “upset” or “disturbed” can hardly have a peaceful mind or feel in tune with the people around him. Such persons are not only subject to “upsets” but are in danger of “breakdowns.”

Over the last several years many psychologists have warned of the harm in repression. Some have said that a child should be allowed to grow up as he pleases so that he will not have any negative memories. If left to himself, the child will arrive at a way of life that makes him a happy person and an asset to society. However, such management of children, has only illustrated the truth of the Bible’s warning: “A child left to himself brings shame to his mother” (Proverbs 29:15). Children left to themselves do not typically learn important lessons necessary for successful adult living. We do need a standard to live by.

Repression would be a wonderful way of escaping if simply forgetting a problem actually removed it. But such is not the case. Harsh, bitter, unforgiving emotions and attitudes are stored up, not eliminated, as long as they remain harsh, bitter, and unforgiving. Every so often something happens that springs open the trapdoor to the dark attic of the mind, and the negative things we thought we had forgotten come rushing out to cause misery to ourselves and others.

The Bible offers the solution: “Judge not, and you shall not be judged. Condemn not, and you shall not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven” (Luke 6:37). It is possible for you to look on the behavior of others and on their treatment of you in a non-condemning, forgiving spirit. To do so is not to whitewash the evils toward you, but to have an attitude toward spiteful persons that will free you from their hurt.

What about the guilt and remorse that stem from memories of the past? Recognition of your sins need not cause you anxiety, for on the heels of recognition is forgiveness and to be forgiven is to find release. “In [Jesus Christ] we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins” (Colossians 1:14).

Extroversion, Introversion, Compartmentalization, and Projection

Other inappropriate ways people seek to cope with the pressures that build up within them can only be touched on here.

Extroversion. Extroversion in this sense is used to describe behavior that flees into a constant round of activity in the community, church, club, or place of employment. A person is always on the go, always talking, always planning—using activity as a refuge from personal conflict. It is extremely important here, however, to not judge another’s motives. You may think you can distinguish between the one who serves and the one who is merely fleeing from his problems, but you may be completely wrong.

Introversion. Introversion describes the process of building a wall around oneself. In an attempt to experience peace, a person engages in behavior that results in his world being entirely his own. Many an individual would do well to withdraw from the crowd for serious thinking, to reflect, and to consider before making a decision. But this is not what introversion is all about. People engaging in this type of behavior are not pondering in order to make a wise move. They are dodging issues, avoiding decisions, and hiding from the world. They are enclosed in their own private thoughts and dreams, many of which may likely never happen.

Compartmentalization. In a sense, this approach to conflict is to not let the right hand know what the left is doing. A business example of this is the person who as a church board member is careful to see that the church bylaws are upheld, but who has no problem utilizing questionable business practices in his own office, because to do so is good for his bottom line.

Projection. This is a subtle form of self-deception in which one sees his own faults as belonging to someone or something else. This is the person who has a long list of complaints about the pastor at his church and is very sure that people don’t like him or want him to serve on the church board. He is the one who is always sure of his own ethics in the office and who is critical of anyone who uses the copier for personal projects. He is the individual who is secretly having an affair and in guarding it, thinks that everyone is looking at him suspiciously or is talking about him.

Honest self-evaluation is necessary to identify what behaviors you are engaging in that are truly keeping you from a fulfilled, happy life.

All of these behaviors result in a continued struggle for peace. Honest self-evaluation is necessary to identify what behaviors you are engaging in that are truly keeping you from a fulfilled, happy life.

The Road to Maturity

Psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, and personnel directors all agree that any one of these behaviors can be a hindrance to wholesome relationships and a sense of self-respect. The answer? Behavior that is firmly grounded in God’s Word! The Bible clearly tells us, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior” (Ephesians 4:31). Clearly this is a description of childish behavior with its excessive emotions and careless, hurtful expression.

Verse 32 goes on to encourage us to “be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.” This is a description of a Christian who is “grown-up.”

Most people who seek counseling say they want to experience peace. They want to earn the honor, the admiration, the respect, the faith of others. Not all, however, are willing to recognize that to become such a person is to exercise reasonable self-control, to seek to behave in a mature way. The apostle Paul charted the route to maturity in writing to the Colossians. He told the Christians of that city that “now is the time to get rid of anger, rage, malicious behavior, slander, and dirty language. Don’t lie to each other, for you have stripped off your old sinful nature and all its wicked deeds. Put on your new nature and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become like him” (Colossians 3:8–10). He reminded them of this important truth: “Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults and forgive anyone who offends you” (3:12–13).

What is the truest sign of maturity? “But above all these things,” Paul continued, “put on love, which is the bond of perfection. And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful” (3:14–15).

Use God’s Word to instruct you in how you can experience true peace.

The Bible describes man’s heart as “deceitful” and “desperately wicked” (Jeremiah 17:9). Thus, you need a resource outside of yourself. The qualities that come from the Holy Spirit will keep you from faulty handling of truth. They can be yours when you let Jesus Christ implant them in your life. Use God’s Word to instruct you in how you can experience true peace.

In comfort and consolation:

All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.
—2 Corinthians 1:3–4

In patience and joy:

We ask God to give you complete knowledge of his will and to give you spiritual wisdom and understanding. Then the way you live will always honor and please the Lord, and your lives will produce every kind of good fruit. All the while, you will grow as you learn to know God better and better. We also pray that you will be strengthened with all his glorious power so you will have all the endurance and patience you need. May you be filled with joy. —Colossians 1:9–11

In wisdom:

If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. —James 1:5

In righteousness:

But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ and become one with him. I no longer count on my own righteousness through obeying the law; rather, I become righteous through faith in Christ. For God’s way of making us right with himself depends on faith. I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead.
—Philippians 3:7–10

In peace and hope:

I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. —Romans 15:13

Reflection Questions

1. Honestly, what childish behaviors do you sometimes engage in?
2. As you consider your struggle to experience peace, are there things in your life that you are suppressing or repressing?
3. Do you ever engage in extroversion, introversion, compartmentalization, or projection as a way of dealing with difficulties in your life?
4. In what ways can the Bible help you in your struggle for peace?
5. In what ways can you implement one principle discussed in this chapter into your everyday life?

Take One Action Step

Memorize one of the five Bible passages included at the end of this chapter and focus on it each day for a week. Note how the passage applies to your situations, relationships, and interactions.

The body, host to the mind, can influence its invisible partner. I was reminded of this when traveling with a missionary friend in Africa. During our trip, he was stricken with malaria. Over several days, this normally articulate individual was frequently delirious. At such times it was impossible for me to discuss anything of a serious nature with him.

Most people need a given amount of sleep or they become irritable. Induction of a narcotic or alcohol into the body decreases the ability to think clearly. Even food can affect the mental process.

Though the body can influence the mind and one’s emotional state, medical science asserts that the mind holds even greater mastery over the body.

One day I encountered a highway accident just after it had happened. Three badly injured bodies lay motionless on the pavement. A survivor simply sat on the roadway and stared unseeingly at those who had been members of his family. Another who had lived through the crash stood beside the overturned car and screamed, “I killed them! I killed them! They told me to slow down. Why didn’t I listen?”

I walked away from that scene literally sick to my stomach. In driving off I noticed that the muscles in my arms and legs were tense. I sighed frequently. My body had undergone distinct changes that were the result of my reaction to not only that bloody scene, but the intense ways those involved were experiencing it.

Though the body can influence the mind and one’s emotional state, medical science asserts that the mind holds even greater mastery over the body.

Matt came to see me because he was not only experiencing problems at home, he was not eating well. Most days he would arrive home in a good mood and would be hungry for dinner. Then his wife would begin to air her complaints. Perhaps he had slammed the door when he had come in. Or he might have been a few minutes late. Or he had forgotten to run an errand for her on his way home. So just before dinner was ready, his body would become tense and he would lose his appetite. His reaction to his wife produced drastic bodily changes.

Emily reported she suffered from severe headaches. As we discussed her symptoms, we discovered that they always occurred when her fiancé failed to call when he said he would. A further look back through her life showed that her headaches started about the time something went wrong with her plans to attend college.

Alex sought counseling at the recommendation of his physician. “How can you help me get over a stiff neck?” he asked, truly puzzled. As he told his story, it became clear that life was to him one big pain in the neck. The tenseness of his neck muscles gave him the pain. He was tense because he approached the problems in his life as if he were a football lineman charging his opponent.

Nicole was a beautiful, well-educated woman. But in certain situations, she was having difficulty swallowing her food. As we talked, I learned that these times of difficulty came in connection with appointments with me that her husband demanded that she make and keep. She resented his demands. She actually could not “swallow” them.

Think of the common expressions that unite mind and body:

• My heart was in my mouth.
• I was so frightened I nearly jumped out of my skin.
• I was scared stiff.
• He makes my blood run cold.
• I was shocked.

These expressions indicate the relationship that truly exists between the mental/emotional state of a person and the workings of his body. This is not new information! For a better understanding of how this relationship functions, we must turn to the physician.

Clinically Proven

Dr. O. Spurgeon English, one of the first psychotherapists to write about the connections between mental and physical health, was a practicing psychiatrist when he was appointed a professor of clinical psychiatry at Temple University. In the 1940’s (!), with Edward Weiss, who was also an M.D., he co-authored the book Psychosomatic Medicine, the first medical text to make the connection between stress and physical ailments, and a book that is still available in hard cover copy. Starting in the 1950’s, he led a Temple Hospital department created to treat people suffering from depression and stress-induced illnesses. One of his colleagues described him as “one of the great American psychiatrists of the 20th century.” He frequently spoke out about the role of emotions in mental and physical health. His research was so foundational that it is still relative today.

He wrote that there are certain emotional centers in the brain that are linked to the entire body through the autonomic nervous system. Charges of emotions are relayed from the brain, down the spinal cord, and through the autonomic nerves to the blood vessels, muscle tissues, mucous membranes, and skin. Under emotional stress, all parts of the body can be subject to physical discomfort because of a change in blood nourishment, glandular function, or muscle tone.¹

You may be thinking, How can thoughts and feelings going through my mind cause pain in some part of my body far from my brain? Dr. English explained that emotions such as fear can cause the mouth to become dry. This means that the blood vessels have constricted and the blood supply and glandular activity have been reduced. This dryness will occur, for example, in someone who must make a speech and is afraid. Various emotions which have their source in the brain find their way through definite pathways to the stomach.² When a troublesome person can’t be coped with, we say we can’t “stomach” him—and that may be literally true.

Laboratory tests have shown that under emotional stress the same decrease in glandular activity occurs in the mucous membrane and various parts of the digestive tract. Not only does the blood supply change markedly, but secretions of various types increase or decrease in an abnormal manner. Changes in muscle tone in the digestive region can occur, causing painful cramps. It has also been proven that emotional stress will increase the size of the blood vessels in the head: this change in turn produces pain because of the stretching of the tissues around the blood vessels and their pressure on the nerve endings.

Of the heart, Dr. English wrote:

Without the presence of any heart disease whatever, psychosomatic patients are prone to increased heart rate, irregularities of rhythm, unusual sensations about the heart such as oppression, tightening, pain, and numbness sometimes accompanied by shortness of breath and the feeling of faintness and weakness, possibly giddiness. Along with this so-called “spell” there may be a general “all-gone” feeling, free perspiration, accompanied by a sinking sensation and the feeling as if the patient would fall in a heap.³

Joe collapsed at work and was rushed to a hospital. His coworkers thought he had had a heart attack. But the hospital evaluation revealed that he had not had a heart attack. His body was stressed in other ways. Apparently, he had been experiencing problems in several areas of his life. He and his wife were not getting along. His neighbor had acquired a dog that barked all night. A recent promotion had put him under more pressure than his previous position. And, as an only child, he was trying to help his elderly parents find an appropriate care facility. Why did he collapse? Because he was not adjusting well to his life situations.

Dr. English points out that interpersonal conflict can be the reason for disorders of the digestive tract:

For decades it has been known that an (interpersonal) problem which cannot be solved by the mind itself is prone to be “turned over” or “taken up” by some other part of the body. When an irritating friend or a troublesome family member cannot be coped with, the patient becomes “sick,” he simply can’t “stomach” it. The physician knows that the cause of these gastrointestinal disturbances is emotional conflict.⁴

The Bible describes many emotions which cause physical symptoms: hatred, resentment, quarreling, rage, jealousy, self-centeredness, envy, sorrow, fear. Many of these words describe reactions to someone or something. Such reactions are not pleasant to acknowledge in one’s life and so we tend to deny their presence and perhaps deceive ourselves.

Actual disease or injury of the nervous system is easily observable under the microscope. Structural changes can be seen. If you have a viral infection in a nerve, you feel pain and tenderness along the course of the nerve. If you sever a main nerve running to a muscle, you are unable to move the muscle. But a “nervous” person has no physical impairment.

And so we see that a person can have a disease of the nerves without being “nervous” or, on the other hand, can experience “nervousness” or anxiety and have an apparently normal nervous system. The complaints of the “nervous” person are usually lodged in their stomach or intestines or heart—organs that are not a part of the nervous system.

Paul drove several hundred miles to reach our clinic. He came because he had stomach pains that the physicians he had seen said were “functional.” “That means,” he said with a wincing grin and a report from the Mayo Clinic fresh in his memory, “that my stomach pains are all in my head.”

Functional pain is characterized by pain that has no physical explanation or findings. It essentially means that the pain that is being experienced is not caused by a disease. It also usually implies that the individual is not meeting his emotional problems in a wholesome way.

“They asked me if I was having any problems,” he said. “What does that have to do with my stomach?”

When we first started talking, the idea of his getting well by talking to a counselor seemed like a big joke to Paul. But life to Paul was no joke. Especially his employment. As we talked, it became apparent that two events of several months ago were still “grinding” him. Paul worked in a factory and he had been transferred from one machine to another without any discussion as to whether or not he even wanted to work in that specific spot. Then a company safety officer came along and ordered him to wear safety glasses. Paul refused, saying, “I never have and I never will.” The company left it up to him—wear the glasses or quit. He put on the glasses.

The Bible points the way to a cure: “Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior.”

As we talked, he was angry when we discussed his work situation. It was hard for him to admit it, but he hated his work, his boss, and the safety officer. He literally burned within. He was tolerating a distasteful work situation, and now he hated going to work. As far as his stomach was concerned, he was sure cancer was eating it up.

What was really eating up Tom was a long-term, slow-burn of hate. Paul said the physicians at the Mayo Clinic had called it nervous exhaustion, resulting from mental cross-purposes. He was defeated by a personal problem. He held grudges against his boss and the safety officer. He could not express his resentment openly and keep his job, so he hid it. But in the effort, he experienced muscular pain as well as heart palpitations and stomachaches. The interesting thing was that he could switch from the anguished details of his physical suffering to a cheerful, animated discussion of other parts of his life. Turn the conversation back to his work and he would grimace. “I didn’t realize how much I hate those men,” he finally said.

Physician S.I. McMillen, a medical missionary to Africa, wrote of the devastating effects of hatred:

The moment I start hating a man, I become his slave. I can’t enjoy my work anymore because he even controls my thoughts. My resentments produce too many stress hormones in my body and I become fatigued after only a few hours of work. The work I formerly enjoyed is now drudgery. Even vacations cease to give me pleasure. It may be a luxurious car that I drive along a lake fringed with the autumnal beauty of maple, oak, and birch. As far as my experience of pleasure is concerned, I might as well be driving a wagon in mud and rain.

The man I hate hounds me wherever I go. I can’t escape his tyrannical grasp on my mind. When the waiter serves me porterhouse steak with French fries, asparagus, crisp salad, and strawberry shortcake smothered with ice cream, it might as well be stale bread and water. My teeth chew the food and I swallow it, but the man I hate will not permit me to enjoy it…. The man I hate may be many miles from my bedroom; but more cruel than any slave driver, he whips my thoughts into such a frenzy that my innerspring mattress becomes a rack of torture. The lowliest of the serfs can sleep, but not I. I really must acknowledge the fact that I am a slave to every man on whom I pour the vials of my wrath.⁵

Fortunately, the Bible points the way to a cure: “Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you” (Ephesians 4:31–32).

Strecker and Appel have an additional comment on the relationship of emotions to the body:

If aroused to a high pitch, shame, distress, hate, envy, jealousy all strike to the very core of our being. They leave us worn, tired, incapable, and almost helpless. The blush of shame, the haggard countenance of distress, the consuming burning of jealousy and envy, and the facial and vocal expressions of hate are striking testimonials to the deteriorating effect of these emotions upon the body. We may jump with joy or droop with sorrow.⁶

Notice that there are many of the same words in this paragraph as Dr. English uses to describe hurtful emotions.

Responding Biblically

S. I. McMillen says the stress of living does not cause big or little problems to adversely affect the body. Rather, it is our reactions to our problems. Stress can be beneficial. It is the spirit of retaliation that calls forth emotional and physical toxins.

Is it not a remarkable fact that our reactions to stress determine whether stress is going to cure us or make us sick? Here is an important key to longer and happier living. We hold the key and can decide whether stress is going to work for us or against us. Our attitude decides whether stress makes us ‘better or bitter.’⁷

Patients experiencing physical symptoms brought on by mental pain believe they need the kind of medicine that comes in a box or bottle. But they fail to recognize, say Strecker and Appel, that the medicine they need is mental peace. “It is almost axiomatic that in the presence of a clear, honest, and conscious understanding of the conflict, a neurosis cannot occur.”⁸

This does not mean that you are taking responsibility for very real pains that have been committed against you. But, it does mean that you are taking responsibility for your own responses to situations that are causing you to be angry, or bitter, or jealous. The Bible tells us to confess our sin in order to experience God’s peace. 1 John 1:9 say, “If we confess our sins, he [God] is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” Admit to God that you are holding on to resentment, and then cleansing—fellowship with the Lord and inner peace—will be yours.

Only the refreshing cleansing that comes from God is capable of washing away all aches and pains brought on by troubled emotions.

Reflection Questions

1. What ideas in this chapter are new to you?
2. What physical responses do you have when you experience excitement, anxiety, stress, or disappointment?
3. In what ways have you seen the principles of this chapter working themselves out in peoples’ lives?
4. Do you currently have any on-going physical issues that cannot be specifically tied to an injury or illness?
5. In what ways are you harboring bitterness or resentment or disappointment (or some other negative emotion) in your heart?

Take One Action Step

Take some time to reflect on your own negative emotions. Are you holding on to some past experience that could potentially cause you to experience physical symptoms because you are refusing to honestly deal with your own emotions about it? Talk to God about it!

There is a reason why so many people are unhappy, why there is so much conflict between individuals. Isaiah pinpointed the trouble long ago: “All of us, like sheep, have strayed away. We have left God’s paths to follow our own” (Isaiah 53:6).

We like our own ideas, plans, aspirations, and longings. Thus, when we encounter resistance to our wishes, or face demands that are not to our liking, we tend to rebel, to attack, to run, or to defend ourselves. Our natural reaction is to be resentful, bitter, stubborn, full of fight. It is easy for us to think that our own desires are the reasonable ones. We will find a way to make a selfish drive seem selfless, deceiving even ourselves.

Furthermore, it is natural to shrink away from a glimpse of oneself. To back away from reproof is as human as shielding our eyes from a burst of light in a dark room. Jeremiah’s assessment of the heart, “The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is?” (Jeremiah 17:9), and Jesus’ statement that “people love the darkness more than the light” (John 3:19), are as up-to-date as the current psychology literature that describes the many ways we have for evading the truth.

The patterns of deceit and self-defense have become so systematized that their names are common dictionary words. If we do not face our pains, we can develop psychoses requiring hospitalization—or, at the very least we will experience broken relationships, devastating hopelessness, or even murder or suicide.

Such is the heart of man. One shudders to contemplate its potential for evil. The Bible and literature on psychology alike paint an oppressive picture.

How difficult it is to face the truth we have uncovered! As we look up, however, a comforting shaft of light pierces the darkness. It promises the hope of escape.

Our hope comes in our relationship with God and his message of hope in his Word, the Bible. In the pages of scripture is a path away from our disturbances, neuroses, and psychoses and toward peace that passes understanding.

“Those who love your instructions have great peace and do not stumble,” said the psalmist in Psalm 119:165. Is this really possible?

In the pages of scripture is a path away from our disturbances, neuroses, and psychoses and toward peace that passes understanding.

Many people turn to a counselor for help because they are in circumstances that are causing them to stumble. They are dissatisfied, irritated, unhappy. Either they flee from their vexing situations or attack them.

One would think that people would rush to buy a book (the Bible!) that pointed out the path to peace and freedom from offense. People do buy it by the millions every year (it continues to be the bestselling book of all time). However, it is a book that is quickly laid aside.

Though our hope lies in God and his Word, many people quickly turn aside from the Bible … because it reproves and corrects. And correction is difficult. We simply do not like facing the truth about ourselves. Hebrews 4:12 tells us, “The word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires.” Having our innermost thoughts and desires exposed can be painful.

Today, churches are criticized because their ministers upset people when they preach about the sinfulness of man and the inflexible standards of the Bible. People have often turned to me as a counselor because their pastor has upset them. Having listened to a sermon about sin, these people feel guilty and inadequate. As they relate the details of their stories, it invariably turns out that they were much happier people before they began attending church and studying the Bible. Therefore, isn’t it reasonable to conclude that their problems are being caused by what they heard and read? To remove the cause would seem to relieve the person’s anxiety.

And this is exactly what is now being advocated. There is wide spread pressure on ministers to preach only “positive” messages and to emphasize the good in man. But the message is not the cause of the problem.

Calling Sin What It Really Is

Perhaps a look at the methods of several medical professionals will help us understand and embrace the value of pointing out the “negative.”

Consider the dentist’s approach. I remember making an appointment with my dentist and showing up to have him examine my teeth. He chatted amiably throughout the examination. As he looked at my x-rays, I still remember him saying, “There is a cavity, and there is one, and there is another. You have three cavities.” How negative can you get? He did not even mention the good teeth!

Then he prepared to stick a long needle into my gums—not a pleasant experience at all. The drilling was no picnic either. In fact, there is nothing about going to the dentist that I like. It makes me a bit anxious to think about going, and decidedly annoyed when the bill comes. But yet we all go to the dentist. We respect this person who subjects us only to discomfort. Why? Surely not because of the process. The results are what we want. The dentist could give us medicine that would cut the pain of our decaying teeth and make us feel comfortable as long as its effect remained. But unless the dentist goes to the source of the problem, the decay will continue, and someday the pain will be even worse.

Consider the physician. As he diagnoses you, he has only one basic question: “What is wrong?” This is certainly a “negative” approach!

If 99 percent of your body is well, your doctor is interested in only the 1 percent of you that is not. If you have an infected fingernail and the rest of you is healthy, he concentrates on the fingernail. If you have a pain in your abdomen, he does not look at your ears. Instead he examines your abdomen thoroughly, even if the examination brings you pain.

Why do you put up with such treatment? Because the objective is to restore your health. The doctor may save you from death by subjecting you to great pain and even the risk of your life on the operating table if necessary. It is positive to focus on the negative. It is healthy to eliminate disease. It is good to eliminate evil.

A neighbor in good health went to see her physician because she had developed a slight pain. Investigation revealed a tumor and abdominal surgery was called for. The doctor’s announcement of what was needed not only upset the woman, but her whole family and some people in the neighborhood as well. Why would a man want to subject this fine woman to such an ordeal? Why didn’t he give her a sedative to help her forget the pain? No one would have gotten upset. But instead of prescribing a painkiller, he sent her off to a hospital, where her surgery confined her for five weeks.

Think of the effect of his diagnosis and prescription on the woman’s husband, their children, their budget. But not a single person condemned the doctor. Quite the contrary, they were all grateful to him. They were appreciative of this person who had delivered such drastic, disturbing news and who had subjected her to the pain of a knife and her husband to such great expense. The doctor would have done this woman a great disservice to have acted otherwise.

The diagnosis did not depend on the knowledge of the physician, but on the condition of the patient’s body. The doctor could not be guided by what the patient wanted to hear; rather he had to follow the course of his findings. How does one make an announcement of the need for major surgery a happy occasion? There is no way. The important thing is that the proper diagnosis be made and the patient be told. The patient will get over the shock of the announcement. My neighbor did. Then it was up to her whether she would submit to the prescribed treatment. She could have tried to ignore the pain, kept busy, and attempted to forget about her condition. She might have tried to kill the pain with medicine. Her other alternative was to accept surgery, which she did.

An accurate diagnosis of a physical ailment is a matter for the physician. But the patient’s future health is really his own decision.

To miss the mark of perfect health is common, but to deny that one is sick when he is, or to give up the quest for health, is foolish. Wisdom calls for trying to discover the cause of ill health; for the physician to give an accurate diagnosis despite the guilt, anxiety, or worry it might cause; and for the patient, for his own best interest, to follow through on the doctor’s advice.

Now back to the point that ministers are pressured to emphasize the good and the positive because talk of sin and the negative is upsetting and causes anxiety and worry. Of course the knowledge of sin produces such results. But the immediate comfort of a person is of little value if there is, in fact, sin in the person’s life. To diagnose sin as the reason for a lack of peace in a person’s life, however disturbing it may be, is a positive act.

I do not determine what my client brings to me. If there is selfishness, irritability, stubbornness, rebellion, hate, or deceit within the person, it simply is there. I didn’t put it there, but it is my responsibility to point out its presence. This may be upsetting. But I have found no other way. I have never known a person to discover the sin that is causing his trouble by my dwelling on his good qualities. And I have never found a way of pointing out a man’s sin to him that makes him clap his hands with glee at the news. The truth is often offensive.

To diagnose sin as the reason for a lack of peace in a person’s life, however disturbing it may be, is a positive act.

Once, after Jesus had addressed the Pharisees, his disciples said to him, “Do you realize you offended the Pharisees by what you just said?” (Matthew 15:12). What had offended them? This is part of what the Lord told them:

It’s not what goes into your mouth that defiles you; you are defiled by the words that come out of your mouth. —v. 11

The words you speak come from the heart—that’s what defiles you.
—v. 18

For from the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, all sexual immorality, theft, lying, and slander. These are what defile you.
—vv. 19–20

Though the words of Christ offended his listeners, their response did not change the truth he spoke. And herein lies tremendous hope. You may not be able to control what your wife or husband, father or mother, or anyone else does, and you may not be able to change your environment, but you don’t need to, because the real source of your problem is not the people around you or your environment, but you. The things that defile you come from within you. And this, in a sense, is good news because you can be changed. But you must decide whether to let God change you.

The Battle with the Will

To come to the decision that will lead you into the pleasant valley of peace is to struggle with your own will. To illustrate, note the experience of Eric, a successful businessman.

Eric was department foreman of a manufacturing firm. One day his boss called him into the office and said, “Eric, as you know, things are a bit slow around here. I realize you have worked hard and run one of the best departments in the company, but my orders are to cut one supervisor, so I am letting you go.”

Eric was stunned. He was the only Christian among the foremen. The other supervisory personnel, including his boss, liked to go out drinking and had some pretty wild parties together. As a result, their work sometimes suffered and Eric had to step in to rescue them. He had worked hard. This was his reward.

Eric now faced a major financial difficulty. He had been making payments on a new home and a car. When his salary was suddenly cut off, he was in trouble. He lost both his house and his car and had to move in with his parents, who lived in another state. While with them, he had nothing to do but sit in a comfortable chair and mull over his experience.

So this is the reward for hard work and clean living, he would say to himself over and over. The more he thought, the more bitter he became. He found it hard to eat and even harder to digest what little he did eat. He suffered from painful cramps. His physician told him that his condition stemmed from his emotions. However, most of his friends reassured him that he had a right to have some emotional problems.

Twelve years later, time seemed to have healed his wounds. Eric found another job and was quite successful in it. He was, in fact, the manager of a manufacturing outfit with eight plants. One day while he was inspecting one of the plants, the personnel director asked him if he would like to meet the plant’s new chief engineer. Of course he would. Eric followed the personnel director to the man’s office and found himself face-to-face with the man who had fired him twelve years before. Here working for him was the person who had caused him so much grief, pain, and embarrassment.

“I made a terrible mistake back when I let you go,” the engineer said to Eric when they were alone. “Will you forgive me?”

“Oh, certainly. Forget it,” Eric replied.

Eric said he forgave the man, but within himself he nursed a gnawing bitterness. His stomachache returned. He began reliving those confusing, awful days of long ago. He had thought this period of his life was long forgotten, but he found himself fuming in his plush office, wanting only to get even.

Eric related all of this to me when I went to visit him at his office. He then asked how he could work with a person who had treated him so poorly.

What would have been your reply?

I pointed out several Scripture passages to Eric. One was 2 Corinthians 4:7–10:

We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves. We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.

The apostle Paul spoke here of trouble, perplexity, persecution, rejection. All these had happened to Eric. But Paul also said there is a power that will enable us to face such treatment without distress, despair, self-pity, or ruin. It is the power of God. I discussed this with Eric, but at the time it seemed to mean little to him. I spoke of the end products of anxiety, pointing out that definite bodily changes are involved; blood pressure, respiration, digestion can be affected. Freedom from anxiety means that the body will function normally. But his body was upset and exhibiting many of these symptoms.

“Are you suggesting that I am my own problem?” he asked. “Are you saying that you would have acted differently had you been fired?”

I assured him he was his own problem and that he needed to take control of his response. Then I reminded him of one of Jesus’ statements: “I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you” (Matthew 5:44, NKJV). This, I said, should be his attitude toward the man who had fired him.

Eric became furious with me. How could I be so lacking in sympathy and understanding? Now he was upset not only at the engineer, but at me as well.

Who was Eric hurting when he carried his grudge around within himself? Who was affected when he sat in his chair and seethed over a man who had hurt him long ago? Obviously, he was hurting only himself.

Who is hurt when you get upset over someone who isn’t even in your presence? You, of course.

There is a power that will enable you to face your circumstances without distress. It is the power of God, made available to you by the dying of the Lord Jesus and the gift of the Holy Spirit working in you. God’s power—and his alone—can make you want to forgive one who has misused you.

But Eric did not want to forgive that engineer. He wanted to get even. He argued that he had a right to be bitter.

Eric did have a right to be bitter. Each one of us has a right to be angry and unforgiving over a wrong done to us. It is our privilege to be upset. But then we must also live with the misery that comes along with it. As long as we insist on retaining our unhappiness, we will have it.

However, if we want to be free from our misery, we must be lifted out of our sin. And there is only one way to do that. To submit ourselves to God’s perfect plans and desires for us. Simply identifying our anger, or bitterness, or resentment, will not eliminate it or any the problems that it causes. We must actually confess it to almighty God and turn away from it. Wise is the man who heeds the advice of the apostle James:

But don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves. For if you listen to the word and don’t obey, it is like glancing at your face in a mirror. You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like. But if you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, and if you do what it says and don’t forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it. —James 1:22–25

Eric said he wanted relief from his upset condition, but when I told him that he needed to let go of the situation, he became all the more upset. One would think he would have seized the opportunity to shed his spirit of bitterness and hate. But that’s not human nature.

Simply identifying our anger, or bitterness, or resentment, will not eliminate it or any the problems that it causes. We must actually confess it to almighty God and turn away from it.

For many persons, to yield bitterness and hatred in exchange for a tender heart toward someone who doesn’t deserve it is not blessed relief, but great sacrifice. Like Eric, untold numbers of persons would like to be free from their aches and pains, but if to be rid of them means to relinquish a long-standing grudge, they would rather be in pain; mental, physical, or both.

There in his walnut-paneled, softly lit office Eric and I were locked in a struggle. If I had told him that his grudge was normal and that I would have acted the same way, he might have enjoyed some relief, but the inner sore would have continued to fester and spread its poison.

Willing to Yield

It is a mystery how a person finally quits fighting and turns to God for a spirit of love toward someone who does not deserve it. All we know is that there is generally a struggle before a person yields.

But when he does yield, his problem is nearly over. The Bible says it is your move. “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28).

One day, Eric did turn to God for help. He asked God to forgive him of his anger and bitterness. He let go of his grudge. His digestive disorder disappeared, his aches and pains went away. Finally he is at peace with himself and with the man who mistreated him. He is now enjoying God’s peace, the fruit of the Spirit, in his life.

How did this change come about? By confessing (or acknowledging) that he had done wrong, that he had sinned. King David wrote, “Finally, I confessed all my sins to you [God] and stopped trying to hide my guilt. I said to myself, ‘I will confess my rebellion to the Lord.’ And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone” (Psalm 32:5).

When Eric paid attention to his reaction to the other man’s sins, instead of concerning himself with the man’s sins, he found himself on the road to peace.

To see your own sin is disturbing only if you fight what you discover. If, instead, you admit it and seek help from God, the result is not guilt, but an overwhelming sense of forgiveness, cleansing, renewal, and peace.

The pathway to spiritual peace is a struggle. Discover the truth about yourself and you will naturally shrink from it; become offended and defensive and you will be bound in the strong fetters of your sin. But what a difference you will find if you heed the promise of Jesus: “You are truly my disciples if you remain faithful to my teachings. And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free” (John 8:31–32).

Reflection Questions

1. What is your response to Dr. Brandt’s assertion that “Our hope comes in our relationship with God and his message of hope in his Word, the Bible”?
2. On a scale 1–10, how willing are you to let the Bible instruct you?
3. What is your reaction to Eric’s story?
4. Why is the critical step of confessing our own responses to life situations critical to experiencing true peace?
5. How open are you to truly acknowledging your sin and confessing it to God?

Take One Action Step

Ask God to show you the sin in your life. Confess it to him and leave it behind.

How do you achieve and maintain true peace? Must you be at the mercy of your circumstances? Is it inevitable that a chance meeting can plunge you into the depths of despair?

Eric was a happy, successful man—he thought. Then by meeting someone he hadn’t seen for twelve years he was, as if by magic, transported backward in time. Even though he sat at his expensive desk in his plush office, with the words “General Manager” on his door and several secretaries at his call, in his mind he was back in the chair at his parents’ home, a bitter, aching, confused young man who had been fired as the reward for working hard and living a clean life. He was reliving those days in which he lost his car and house and underwent the humiliating experience of living with his parents because he was broke. Sitting there now, in air-conditioned comfort, this man who ran eight plants and directed the work of hundreds of men had only one thought—revenge.

However, the Bible clearly says,

Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone. Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, “I will take revenge; I will pay them back,” says the Lord.” —Romans 12:17–19

Eric knew about these verses. We also discussed the words of Jesus:

Love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you.
—Matthew 5:44, NKJV

Were these words a challenge to Eric? Not at first. They were in the Bible, to be sure, and Eric was a sincere and consistent Bible student. But at that time, Eric could not see how these words applied to his situation. To fire his old opponent was a thought that gave him much pleasure. Years of time to get over his pain, success, a plush office, money, power—these had not changed his vengeful heart.

He had nearly forgotten the lean years more than a decade ago. But now the memory of that time came flooding back, and he had to choose to forgive or retaliate. The decision was up to him. It was his response to the past that would tip the balance.

He could not control some of the events of his life. He was the victim of someone’s decision twelve years before, no question of that. Now it appeared he was again a victim, this time of a personnel director’s decision to hire a person who had wronged him. Suddenly, there the man was, and successful, happy Eric was plunged into the depths of bitterness and hate.

The key to peace is receiving from the Lord the power to forgive.

It appears that circumstances and people dictated Eric’s problem. But he was the one who did the reacting. His problem was within himself. Would he forgive or get even? Deep within himself, Eric knew that retaliation would not bring him peace of mind. The key to peace was his receiving from the Lord the power to forgive.

Peacemaker or Flame Fanner?

Eric’s situation illustrates the struggle all of us go through to find peace. Bitterness, hatred, and revenge are natural responses to troublesome people and events. And often, we fan the flame of our emotions. But how much better it is to think in terms of making peace, rather than planning someone’s destruction. Jesus said, “God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of God” (Matthew 5:9).

Who would think Eric weak if he forgave the engineer who had wronged him? To forgive is a mark of maturity. And spiritual maturity brings peace, as the psalmist indicated, “Look at those who are honest and good, for a wonderful future awaits those who love peace” (Psalm 37:37). “Work for peace;” “love peace;” these words place the responsibility for your decision squarely on your shoulders. This is the essence of peace—it depends on you. You reap the results of your own decisions, your own reactions, your own responses.

People are miserable when they do not take responsibility for their own inner life, their own reactions, and their own behavior toward the people and circumstances that come their way.

To get out of the gloomy pit of despair, bitterness, hostility, jealousy, and the accompanying aches, pains, and misery, you must take personal responsibility for your own character, no matter what someone else does—or did. If a person is miserable, it is their choice. Our difficulty is not the result of our background, or the people around us, or our environment, but of a choice, either deliberate or vague, to continue in the direction that we have been heading.

Eric had the opportunity to either forgive or to seek revenge. His misery or peace was to be determined by his choice, which came from within.,

People are miserable when they do not take responsibility for their own inner life, their own reactions, and their own behavior toward the people and circumstances that come their way.

Jesus stated an obvious truth: “Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows” (John 16:33). We all have our share of trouble and always will. But the presence of trouble does not alter personal responsibility. The apostle Paul wrote to the Romans, “Each of us will give a personal account to God” (Romans 14:12), and then to the Corinthians, “For we must all stand before Christ to be judged. We will each receive whatever we deserve for the good or evil we have done in this earthly body” (2 Corinthians 5:10).

The Bible contains the guidelines for Eric regarding his reaction to the people and events of his life. Jesus said,

Do to others as you would like them to do to you. If you love only those who love you, why should you get credit for that? Even sinners love those who love them! And if you do good only to those who do good to you, why should you get credit? Even sinners do that much! And if you lend money only to those who can repay you, why should you get credit? Even sinners will lend to other sinners for a full return. Love your enemies! Do good to them. Lend to them without expecting to be repaid. Then your reward from heaven will be very great, and you will truly be acting as children of the Most High. —Luke 6:31–35

The struggle for inner peace, as far as Eric was concerned, centered on his response to the engineer and what he was going to do about him. When he realized that there was a choice to be made he was well on the way to peace. What good news it was that he could have inner peace if he wanted it, that the decisions were his own to make. He need not be a helpless victim of people and events. He himself determined whether or not he would have peace of mind and heart.

Dealing with Our Past

There is no doubt that past life experiences shape us. In counseling, I generally find that the unhappy person who has been rejected rejects others; the victim of mean, angry, hateful people is also mean, angry, and hateful; the person who grew up in an atmosphere of suspicion is suspicious of others. People seem to reproduce in themselves what they are exposed to.

A person’s circumstances definitely make an impact on their life responses, thereby giving them cause for happiness or discomfort. There is the mark of parents, experiences with brothers and sisters, relationships gained through church and school activities. We are the product of our family’s economic status, our education, our bodies, our talents, our opportunities.

People who are unhappy have often been mistreated. A woman who is withdrawn and sullen often had a mother who was withdrawn and sullen. People appear to be caught up in a circle, a vicious one, forged by generation after generation of example.

Mark and Victoria were seriously at odds with one another. Among other things, they fought over the issue of going to church. Victoria insisted that they go for the sake of the children. Mark flatly refused.

“My father was a mean, selfish, two-faced man,” he said. “Yet he was looked on at church as a saint. He made us go to church twice on Sunday and every Wednesday. When we asked him why, he always told us it was the right thing to do.

“Sometimes my father and mother would get into a terrible argument at the dinner table—less than an hour after dismissal of the Sunday School in which they both taught classes. I vowed that I would abandon church as soon as I got out on my own, and I’m sticking to my word.”

As a boy, Mark had witnessed some frightening conflicts between his parents. Here he was, carrying on similar quarrels with his wife. The subject was different, but the spirit was the same. He was as inconsiderate of his wife as his father had been of his mother. Despite his protests otherwise, Mark didn’t go to church because he didn’t want to go—not because of his father.

Emily was extremely “nervous.” Her “spells” came on whenever her husband or children ignored her wishes. As we talked, it became apparent that Emily was a selfish woman. She had been pampered and spoiled all her life. Her explanation: “I was raised this way. Can I help it if I have this kind of personality?”

Another woman, recalling her past, remembered how frustrated and angry she became as a child because her mother refused to help her button up her jacket. “I would always end up with an extra buttonhole on top and a button at the bottom,” she said. “Ever since, I have gotten mad when people force me to do something. My husband insists that I put his vitamin pill on his plate for breakfast and I just rebel at this. He can do it himself.”

This woman is angry when anyone crosses her, all because she was “buttoned up wrong,” or so she believes. She takes no responsibility for her fiery temper. She dismisses it with a shrug, “It’s the way I am. My husband knows it, and I get upset if I’m pushed.”

These people do reflect their backgrounds. Mark is like his father. The woman who was pampered and spoiled is like her mother. The other, the one who was “buttoned up wrong,” came from a home where tempers flared when anyone was crossed.

An unhappy person must come to terms with the people in his past, forgive them, and seek to understand the effect they have had on him.

It is true that a child tends to absorb the atmosphere in which he was raised. It is also true that people tend to keep on going in the direction in which they are headed. But the Bible says, “You may think you can condemn such people, but you are just as bad, and you have no excuse! When you say they are wicked and should be punished, you are condemning yourself, for you who judge others do these very same things” (Romans 2:1).

An unhappy person must come to terms with the people in his past, forgive them, and seek to understand the effect they have had on him. But this Bible verse reminds us that he has no grounds for reproducing the pattern, once he understands it.

There are happy, contented people who are considerate of others who also have had difficult pasts. They too have been mistreated and rejected, but they have come to terms with their pasts, forgiving people who did not deserve forgiveness, charting their future courses as persons responsible for their own conduct. They have not produced the kinds of lives they have been exposed to.

Owning Our Own Behavior

It has become acceptable to turn to some type of sedative, whether it be alcohol or medication, rather than learn to adjust to life. In addition, it has become popular to excuse the behavior of someone who is nervous, or maladjusted, or upset, or from a dysfunctional background. How can we expect anything of someone with these kinds of issues? We have embraced the idea that a person who is at war with him or herself must be nursed, favored, carefully handled. What is the result? We tend to reject personal responsibility for our conduct. But the fact of it remains.

Responsibility for our own behavior can be illustrated in the area of physical health. The medical books explain the laws of good health. If you don’t want to be tired, you must get enough sleep. If you wish to control your weight, you must not eat large quantities of certain foods. Often these rules interfere with our plans. We have too many interesting things to do to make time for enough sleep. You like your potatoes covered with gravy, sandwiches with high-calorie sauce, and fancy desserts too much to push away from the table.

Living a life by which you make healthy decisions is your choice. The medical books do not create your problem of tiredness or excessive weight. They only provide the description. It is futile for you to complain about such rigid rules. They may upset you, or cause you to suffer, but the physician cannot repeal them. He can only state them.

“Why am I built so that I must get so much sleep and eat properly?” you may demand to know. “I want to change the rules.”

Can you eliminate your problem by ignoring the laws? Of course not. The person who transgresses the law of sleep is tired; the one who disobeys the rules of proper diet is overweight. Granted there may be other causes of fatigue and being overweight; when these are present, the medical books will help you discover them. But if the medical books do not make a man tired or fat, neither does the Bible create anxieties and frustrations by setting a standard for living. It only describes the standard.

You can disregard the principles of biblical living and enjoy yourself, but don’t be surprised when you experience anxiety, tension, worry, unhappiness, conflict, or misery.

Why must we live by the principles outlined in the Bible? The rules are so upsetting you’d like to change them. But the Bible warns us: “Don’t be misled—you cannot mock the justice of God. You will always harvest what you plant. Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful nature will harvest decay and death from that sinful nature. But those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit” (Galatians 6:7–8).

You can enjoy a busy life and a lavish table of food. The process will give you much pleasure. But expect a tired and overweight body. You can disregard the principles of biblical living and enjoy yourself, but don’t be surprised when you experience anxiety, tension, worry, unhappiness, conflict, or misery. We have not freed ourselves and found a life of ease and relaxation by ignoring the Bible.

But, you say, there are other causes of my painful symptoms. Of course there are. Your physician can help you discover the symptoms that can be corrected by medical means. If the symptoms remain, however, consider a way of life that is charted in the Bible.

The Bible tells us that we are responsible for the way we treat others and for our own attitudes and conduct. You may be tempted to neglect your health because of the people around you. But you, not they, will suffer illness if you do. You may have been mistreated in the past and are tempted to hate, to rebel, to refuse to forgive, or to insist on your own way, but it will be you who will be miserable and at cross-purposes with others.

Transgression of God’s laws is called sin (1 John 3:4: “Everyone who sins is breaking God’s law, for all sin is contrary to the law of God”). This word often disturbs us. It simply means that you have violated divine principles of spiritual living, just as the word sick means you have disobeyed medical rules of physical living. You may always be aware of the rules, but the results of your transgression do not take into account your ignorance. Any amount of reassurance of your innocence will not change the results.

The Bible tells us that it is personal sin, or wickedness as the Bible often calls it, that causes misery, not the unrighteousness of someone else.

But those who still reject me [God] are like the restless sea, which is never still but continually churns up mud and dirt. There is no peace for the wicked. —Isaiah 57:20–21

The wicked run away when no one is chasing them, but the godly are as bold as lions. —Proverbs 28:1

People who conceal their sins will not prosper, but if they confess and turn from them, they will receive mercy. —Proverbs 28:13

The wicked are far from rescue, for they do not bother with your [God’s] decrees. — Psalm 119:155

We are no more free to chart our own course for personal peace than we are to lay out the road to physical health. No one condemns the people who get sick because they unknowingly exposed themselves to disease or were unaware that they had violated the rules of good health. But we are less sympathetic and call them foolish if they deliberately risk sickness by poor life choices. No one condemns people because they were exposed to mean and hateful treatment. But deliberate violation of biblical principles is another matter.

There are degrees of wickedness (not in the eyes of God, but definitely in terms of impact and consequence). Obviously, to steal a dollar out of your mother’s purse is not the same as robbing a bank, but both actions are cut from the same cloth. For a child in a temper tantrum to hit her playmate on the head is not the same as a woman holding a grudge against an enemy and murdering her, but the spirit is the same. The high-schooler who tells his parents he is going to the library to study, but who sneaks out on a date with his girlfriend instead is not the same as the man who tells his wife he has an appointment and slips away to see another woman, but they are closely related.

Just as a slight cold is a warning that all is not well in the body, so unrighteousness, however slight, is a warning that all is not well with a person’s morality. “For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind” (James 3:16). This is why such emotions within a person should be noted and taken care of. These emotions are within us. Even though they were stimulated by some circumstance, situation, or person apart from us, they can lead to great evil.

We tend to ignore or excuse our inner life. In the Old Testament we read, “They come to you [Ezekiel] as people do, they sit before you as My people, and they hear your words, but they do not do them; for with their mouth they show much love, but their hearts pursue their own gain” (Ezekiel 33:31, NKJV). Our “own gain” is often influenced by our unhappiness, or anger, or bitterness, or resentment.

Fortunately, God has provided a solution for our dissatisfaction. We can confess our sin, acknowledge it before the Lord, look at it the same way he looks at it, turn from it, and experience freedom. David admitted his sin before God and asked for cleansing from it (see his entire prayer in Psalm 53):

Wash me clean from my guilt.
Purify me from my sin.
For I recognize my rebellion;
it haunts me day and night. (vv. 2-3)

Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
Oh, give me back my joy again;
you have broken me—
now let me rejoice. (vv. 7-8)

Create in me a clean heart, O God.
Renew a loyal spirit within me. (v. 10)

Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and make me willing to obey you. (v. 12)

You cannot erase the past. You cannot decide what your marriage partner will do. You cannot control the conduct of your associates or the turn of world events. But you can do something about your sin, which cuts you off from personal inner peace. This is indeed good news! It is not someone else’s wrongs toward you that are causing your anxieties and tensions. It is your own sin. And you can do something about it by coming just as you are to God for his forgiveness and cleansing.

The choice is yours.

Reflection Questions

1. In what ways do you feel as though you are at the mercy of your circumstances?
2. What is Dr. Brandt suggesting in this chapter about achieving true peace?
3. In what ways are you a peacemaker? In what areas of your life are you a flame fanner?
4. What is your reaction to Dr. Brandt’s assertion: “This is the essence of peace—it depends on you.”
5. In what ways does our society promote a lack of personal accountability?

Take One Action Step

Based on the information in this chapter, what steps do you need to take to truly experience healing and wholeness?

Once you have accepted responsibility for your life, you will be tempted to backtrack, to again lay the blame for your ups and downs, your troubles and defeats at someone else’s door. But don’t become discouraged here—or misled. Temptation is something you hold in common with all people. And it too is something you must meet with whatever resources you have and be responsible for your response to it.

What is temptation? Many years ago, Smiley Blanton, a noted psychiatrist, offered a good definition:

Every day of your life, no matter how sheltered you are, you face some choice in which the wrong action is so seductive, so plausible, so pleasurable that it takes a conscious effort of will to reject it. Temptation is universal, as old as the Garden of Eden. Much of your happiness or unhappiness depends on your ability to handle it—instead of letting it handle you.¹

You are driving down the highway in your new-to-you car. The speed signs limit you to 70 miles an hour. But the way is clear, no one is around, and you know the car really cruises at 85. The temptation is to step on the gas.

As a Christian, you are committed to tithing your income to the Lord, but the furniture is shabby and the sales are on. You are tempted to rationalize withholding your tithe “just this one time.”

You have promised to spend the evening with your family. A fellow worker, however, has two tickets to the deciding ball game of a crucial series. He wants you to go with him. You are tempted to go.

Temptation is something you hold in common with all people.

Temptation does not always appear as a terrible, undesirable, evil thing that you won’t want to do. You may have little or no problem saying no to something that you aren’t interested in doing. But you may be greatly tempted to say yes to something you want to do but know you shouldn’t. (Or it could be the reverse—something that you should do but don’t want to.)

Elisabeth Elliot observed:

“Choices will continually be necessary and—let us not forget—possible. Obedience to God is always possible. It is a deadly error to fall into the notion that when feelings are extremely strong we can do nothing but act on them.”²

At the moment of temptation, the thing may seem so right. An impulsive purchase that wrecks the household budget seems so right at the time. To teach someone a lesson who deserves a punch in the face, or at the very least a verbal lashing, seems so right in the passion of emotion. So right—except that the emotion that is telling you, “it’s the right thing to do,” can be so deceitful.

Ruby had the day off and was preparing for evening guests when her cell phone rang. Some friends were meeting downtown for lunch and wanted to know if she could join them.

“I’d love to meet you, but I really have so much yet to do before my company arrives this evening.”

“It’s just a quick lunch.”

“Well, I don’t know.” It was a difficult decision. She certainly wanted to join her friends, but she really did have a lot to do yet. What should she do? She faced temptation. This was not a critical choice, but it was a choice all the same.

Monica and her neighbor were golfing. It was a beautiful morning and they were about to tee off for the third hole when two men approached the women and asked if they could play through. Monica and her friend readily agreed. But before the men went on, one suggested that the women join them in their game. The women looked at each other. Monica had never faced this situation before. She was quite uneasy about the suggestion, but her neighbor agreed before she could think much about it.

The men proved to be great company—and most attentive. One of the men teed up Monica’s ball for her, pulled her bag, and offered some great advice on how she could improve her iron shots. Perhaps he was a bit too friendly, yet she enjoyed the attention.

After the game the foursome drank iced tea in the clubhouse. As they were about to leave, one of the men suggested they all have lunch together at a nice little restaurant nearby. Monica was tempted—the morning had been so much fun. To refuse took a definite act of her will, but she did it.

At home, as she reflected on her morning, she was upset that she had responded so warmly to this strange man. The morning had been filled with temptation, and she knew she needed to tell her husband. She found out—as you probably have—that temptation can pop up in the most unexpected places and in the most unusual ways. It can make you aware of desires that take you by surprise. The Bible tells us,

And remember, when you are being tempted, do not say, “God is tempting me.” God is never tempted to do wrong, and he never tempts anyone else. Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away. These desires give birth to sinful actions. And when sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death. So don’t be misled, my dear brothers and sisters. —James 1:13–16

The temptations that bother most people are not those that clearly lead into sin. Not many people struggle with the temptation to steal. But the semi-visible testings are something else. It was not perfectly clear what choice Ruby should make. At what point should Monica have declined interacting with the two men? Each one of us has our own personal standards that we have chosen to live by; to fall short is to cause ourselves personal anxiety. If Ruby has set for herself a goal of having everything prepared for her guests, and then drops the project, it is likely she will not enjoy the luncheon or get her work done either. The apostle Paul said, “You may believe there’s nothing wrong with what you are doing, but keep it between yourself and God. Blessed are those who don’t feel guilty for doing something they have decided is right” (Romans 14:22).

Everyone faces tempting circumstances. While I was writing this book, I was tempted to walk away from my writing for a day and attend a professional golf tournament that was playing in town. To take a break might have been all right, but I had committed myself to a deadline for finishing the manuscript. I resisted the temptation every day but one.

It was an exciting tournament. My enjoyment of it, however, was dampened by the fact that I had left an unfinished task behind. I constantly condemned myself for the thing I had allowed.

Preparing for the Test

In advance of a temptation you must make up your mind not to yield to it. Nevertheless, when temptation comes, you must reaffirm your previously made decision, and this will require a definite act of the will.

Character is forged from encounters with life that tempt you to do wrong. The erring attraction is always present. Paul reminded the Corinthians: “If you think you are standing strong, be careful not to fall” (1 Corinthians 10:12).

It is good for people to share their experiences with one another. You may feel that no one faces the same temptation you do, but they do! As a counselor, I see this constantly. Someone struggles to tell of his temptations. At times, he relates, he overcomes them; at times, he fails. In telling his story he feels that he is revealing something that no one else has ever experienced. However, in almost every circumstance, I am able to assure him that I have heard his story before.

We are all tempted to please ourselves, but the pathway to inner peace is to lose ourselves in God’s way, to follow him and do his will at all costs.

Logan, a sincere Christian and deacon in his church, cannot keep his eyes off a woman who recently joined the church.

Jack has an impulse to slip that irresistible candy bar into his pocket.

Paula would like to give her neighbor a piece of her mind because the neighbor won’t keep her children out of Paula’s yard.

The person who thinks they are the only one to face a particular kind of temptation is inclined to justify yielding to it. However, the words of Paul challenge and encourage us:

The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure. —1 Corinthians 10:13

Choosing the way of escape is always a choice, and God is always ready to help you make that choice, but you must remember that your decision on whether or not to yield to temptation comes in the guise of a wrong action that is “so seductive, so plausible, so pleasurable that it takes a conscious act of the will to reject it.”³ The desire to do what you want to do, even though it is wrong, is always strong.

Jesus gave us a strange-sounding formula to help in these types of situations:

If any of you wants to be my follower, you must give up your own way, take up your cross, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.
—Matthew 16:24–25

We are all tempted to please ourselves, but the pathway to inner peace is to lose ourselves in God’s way, to follow him and do his will at all costs. Inner peace comes to those who “seek the Kingdom of Godabove all else, and live righteously” (Matthew 6:33), to those who “pursue righteousness and a godly life, along with faith, love, perseverance, and gentleness (1 Timothy 6:11). To enjoy God’s peace, you must “pursue the things which make for peace” (Romans 14:19, NKJV).

When Temptation Pursues You

Temptation will pursue you even when you seek to determine in what, or in whom, you will put your faith. If you choose the Bible as your guide, there will be those who will try to divert you from it.

In my early 20s I went through a period of rejecting the church, the Bible, and anyone who claimed to be a Christian. It was easy to find people who encouraged me in my rejection. I read educators and psychologists who made it quite clear that man was capable of taking care of himself without crutches such as church and the Bible. Scientific research, they said, would save us.

But God has his “persuaders” too. If you reject the Bible, there will be those who will challenge your decision and seek to “tempt” you to return to God’s Word and the things of the Lord. There were people in my life who knew me and who had been helped by the church, the Lord, and a study of his Word and they were not content to let me rest in my decision to walk away from God. They called me frequently and exerted great effort to get me to reconsider my position.

It was a long process, but after several years I returned to the church and renewed my faith in God and the Bible. During college and graduate school, I purposed in my heart, by faith, to use the Bible as my standard for conduct and for evaluating what I heard or read.

However, just as my friends in the church had not been content to let my rejection go unchallenged, so my fellow students and professors did not let my decision to accept the Bible as my guide go unchallenged. “How can you possibly explain putting your faith in the Bible and at the same time be a student of psychology?” they would ask. They tempted me greatly to again reject my faith. I wanted my friends and professors to respect and like me. But to have their full respect meant to put my faith where theirs was—in the idea that man is in a process of evolution, in the belief that with our own hands we can build a world of peace.

They never let me forget that every man has a right to choose how he will spend his life and that it is not right for one to impose his standards on another. But as I understood it, the kind of life a man will live is not a matter of his own opinion. Everyone will be judged someday, and the standard for judgment is the Bible. Holding to such a view, I stood alone. How great was the temptation to be like the people around me and embrace their ideology!

There are writers and speakers, some of them ministers and seminary professors, who are not convinced that the Bible is entirely the Word of God. To consider what they say is to court temptation to give up your reliance on the Bible. Something you read or hear on the radio, or in a speech, or in a conversation, or see on television, can tempt you to deviate from what you believe. This will be true whatever course you follow. Having chosen a way for yourself, you will be tempted incessantly to turn from it. And tempting you will be people you admire.

John came to see me with a sincere question that troubled him. “Some of the finest people I know are not Christians. They openly spurn the Bible. Yet they seem to be happy and get along well with other people. Some of the leading people in my church are much harder to get along with and do not appear to be as happy as those who are not Christians. If God’s way is the only way to peace, then why are these non-Christians happy with life and the Christians that I know are not?”

That’s a good question. It brings out the point made that one’s conduct does have an impact on others. This young man’s faith was being shaken by the behavior of professing Christians. According to his observations, it did not seem to matter if he did or did not place his faith in Christ and God’s Word.

John’s observations were correct, but you can become confused by observing others. The Bible tells us, “The Lord doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7).

Where will you place your faith? In the conduct of another person? In the words or writings of an individual? Or in God and his Word?

As a counselor, I see many people who are woefully unhappy individuals, but who never give any outward indication of it. A person’s outward behavior does not always give a measure of what is going on inside them. God “gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike” (Matthew 5:45). We must be careful about making judgments based on what we perceive to be another person’s happiness or contentment. Paul said, “So let’s stop condemning each other. Decide instead to live in such a way that you will not cause another believer to stumble and fall” (Romans 14:13).

Where will you place your faith? In the conduct of another person? In the words or writings of an individual? Or in God and his Word? You alone must make this choice and then face the ceaseless temptations to change your choice.

When John had questions about the conduct of Christians and their experience with life, it seemed reasonable to turn away from the Bible and to take the viewpoint followed by those who appeared happier. This young man had to make a choice.

Your Guide to Peace

Now it is my privilege to “tempt” you with my viewpoint. It is that I have discovered, and have helped others discover, that the Bible is your sure guide to peace.

I have learned that the man who violates biblical principles will be unhappy, whether he appears to be or not, just as the man who disobeys the rules of health will be sick, whether he looks like it or not. I say this by faith, but I also say it from experience. The unhappy, tense, anxious, miserable person who comes to a counselor for help is usually knowingly or unknowingly violating some biblical principle.

How do you approach the God who can give you inner peace? “It is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that God exists and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him” (Hebrews 11:6). The writer of Hebrews also tells us, “Faith shows the reality of what we hope for; it is the evidence of things we cannot see” (11:1).

You must approach God by faith. You must trust him fully, with your mind set on him and his ways. “You [God] will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you! Trust in the Lord always, for the Lord God is the eternal Rock” (Isaiah 26:3–4).

As you trust God, he will give you assurance that you are on the right path. However, trials, troubles, conflicts, other viewpoints, and unexpected failures on your part and on the part of people you admire will challenge your evidence. Allow these things to throw you back on faith alone.

A Challenge and Reward

Let me “tempt” you one more time. I want to invite you to a one-year test of studying and applying to your life what you find in the Bible. It takes time to study, to ponder, and to test what the Bible says. After all, a student who chooses a psychology career spends four years just getting a bachelor’s degree. At that point, the student is only a beginner in the field even though he has studied and tested many principles. It also takes time to study and test the guidance the Bible offers to those who trust God, its author.

God is waiting for you to turn to him.

Paul tell us, “Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect” (Romans 12:2). We do not propose a simple, easy approach to inner peace. It is a struggle, with a starting point based on simple faith. There will be many temptations along the way to draw you aside. It is a pathway that is rejected by many serious, dedicated, sincere people.

The reward is still there for those who choose God’s way, in spite of the difficulties. And there is help along the journey. God is waiting for you to turn to him.

Let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.—Hebrews 4:16

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
—Philippians 4:6–7

Jesus said, “Ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it!”
—John 14:14

And he followed that invitation with these words:

If you love me, obey my commandments. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Advocate (the Holy Spirit), who will never leave you. —John 14:15–16

If you want your prayers for help answered, become familiar with the commands of God in the Bible. Verbalize your longings before God, then wait to see what he will do. John 14:13 tells us, “You can ask for anything in my name, and I will do it, so that the Son can bring glory to the Father.” If you have asked according to his will (that is, if you have prayed with the sincere desire that his will may be done and not your own), you will have what you asked for. It is yours if it fits into God’s plan. However, God’s plan is often not our plan! Isaiah 55:8–9 remind us: “My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.”

And so we trust in God’s goodness, for “loving God means keeping his commandments, and his commandments are not burdensome” (1 John 5:3).

My challenge to you is to accept the Bible as your guide and to obey God’s commands fully. If you do, you will find that the Bible is a mirror in which you will see yourself as you really are. And when you see yourself, you will have a choice as to how you are going to respond. You will be tempted to look away and forget what you have seen. And in looking away you will soon become absorbed in counter attractions that will not let you return for a second look.

James 1:23-25 tells us,

For if you listen to the word and don’t obey, it is like glancing at your face in a mirror. You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like. But if you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, and if you do what it says and don’t forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it. —James 1:23-25

If by faith you choose to address the issues in your life, you will find inner peace along the way as well as at the end of the road.

Peter wrote,

If you want to enjoy life and see many happy days, keep your tongue from speaking evil and your lips from telling lies. Turn away from evil and do good. Search for peace, and work to maintain it. The eyes of the Lord watch over those who do right, and his ears are open to their prayers. But the Lord turns his face against those who do evil. —1 Peter 3:10–12

In closing, consider two beautiful promises God makes to his people. They can be yours if you obey Him:

And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart. And I will put my Spirit in you so that you will follow my decrees and be careful to obey my regulations. —Ezekiel 36:26–27

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.” —Jeremiah 29:11–13

Be assured that God will do his part when you obey him … and your struggle for inner peace will be won.

Reflection Questions

1. When and where do you most often experience temptation?
2. How can you begin to more easily recognize the temptation in your life?
3. Who in your life are you currently sharing your life experiences with?
4. In what ways are the people you identified in question three helping you to live a more God-honoring life? Do you need someone else in your life to help you in this area?
5. In what ways does the Bible currently guide your life?

Take One Action Step

Begin the one-year test of studying and applying to your life what you find in the Bible. Study, ponder, and test what the Bible says. Apply it to your life and experience the peace that God is offering you.