Apicontent

Download the eBook in PDF (external link)

Acknowledgments

Table of Contents

1. Indestructible

2. Contentment

3. It Takes Commitment

4. Living with Yourself

5. Living with Others

6. How Are You Using Your Words?

7. Are Your Feelings and Emotions Positive or Negative?

8. What’s in Your Head?

9. Goals

10. Marriage and Parenting

11. Happiness—It’s Your Choice!

As a professional counselor I’ve met with men and women from all walks of life; lawyers, janitors, doctors, dentists, nurses, factory workers, business people, waiters and waitresses, tradespersons, executives, laborers, the unemployed, the rich and the poor, the educated and the uneducated, those from good homes and those from miserable homes. When these people came to see me, they all had one thing in common: they came in to find relief for their unhappy, frustrated, hopeless situations resulting from their response to the conditions and people in their lives.

Many of these people faced conditions that could not be reversed—being fired from their jobs, bankruptcy, poverty, a broken marriage, miserable home conditions, mean people, rejection, maimed bodies, the death of a key person in their lives.

Only God can satisfy our thirsty souls.
Only God can provide our hungry souls with what we truly need.

As I met with these people, I discovered that if they were to have any hope for restoring or finding happiness, it must happen within themselves. Throughout my many years of counseling, it has been my joy and satisfaction to observe thousands of dejected, desperately unhappy people turn into radiant, contented, happy persons as they have opened themselves to the resources of God alone.

As the Psalmist has said:

Oh give thanks to the LORD, for He is good; for His loving kindness is everlasting … For He has satisfied the thirsty soul, and the hungry soul He has filled with what is good. —Psalm 107:1, 9, NASB

Only God can satisfy our thirsty souls. Only God can provide our hungry souls with what we truly need. And discovering the resources freely given to us by him is what this book is all about.

A colleague once shared with me a story about a group of young people he called “indestructible.” These individuals lived under extreme poverty with very bad home conditions which were located in slum neighborhoods. Yet, they were all well-adjusted and good students.

As I listened to him describe this group of individuals, I thought about some of the people I’ve met who I would describe as “indestructible.”

It is true that we cannot prevent difficult, traumatic, or sad events from intruding into our lives. But we can live fully, happily, and positively one day at a time. But in order to do that, we must rely on our power of choice, whether our problems are resolved today or not.

Lori and Rob Press On

I once knew a couple who weathered a storm that would destroy most people. Lori and Rob had been married sixteen years and had three children ages fifteen, thirteen, and ten. The family often did things together; hiking, playing tennis, camping, attending church, entertaining friends, skiing. Rob had an executive position with a prestigious company and Lori stayed at home and managed their home and the children’s activities.

Then, without any warning, the company Rob worked for unexpectedly closed. Suddenly this family was faced with no income, and at a time when they were building a new house. Yet, there was no panic.

Lori trimmed the grocery budget and reassured Rob that she was trusting God to help them in this crisis. They prayed together and patiently waited as Rob looked for another job. They used his free time for family fun—inexpensive activities, of course. They went on picnics in the park, hiked over trails, played tennis at the public courts, and went bicycling.

Faith and hope enabled them to live
above their difficult circumstances.

Rob reassured Lori that he wasn’t afraid—or worried. His faith was in God, and he was enjoying this time of watching an uncertain future unravel. In a few months, he found another job. Lori and Rob now look back on that period of time as one of the best of their lives.

They are among the indestructible. Their faith and hope enabled them to live above their difficult circumstances.

Mr. Davis, the Ditch Digger

Mr. Davis lived next door to my family when I was a teenager. It was during the turbulent years between 1930 and 1933—the height of the Great Depression.

People by the droves were out of work; many families were losing their life savings as a result of bank failures and were being evicted from their homes. Suicides were frequent. Nervous breakdowns were common.

Strangely enough, I remember the depression years as happy, positive ones for me, partially because of Mr. Davis.

He was a highly skilled, and highly paid, tool and die maker. With the downturn in the economy, Mr. Davis suddenly was without a job or a paycheck. He, along with many others, looked for what few jobs that were available. The best he could do was get a job with the Work Progress Administration, an agency developed by the government to employ those without work to carry out public works projects, including the construction of public buildings and roads. His assignment: dig ditches. This was in the days when the ditches were dug by hand, with a shovel and an ax.

This seemed a terrible thing to me. Imagine this highly skilled craftsman digging ditches!

Without complaining, Mr. Davis went to his job every day. At night he returned home, his attitude as positive as if he had his old job.

We had a big front porch on our house, and many nights the people from the neighborhood would gather on our porch. This man was one of them. One night he got to talking enthusiastically about the fine art of digging ditches and how he was enjoying the opportunity of working outdoors and using his strength to accomplish a task.

“I’ve never felt better in my life,” he commented.

The boys in my neighborhood were so fascinated by his enthusiasm that we went to watch him. Most of the men who worked with him were leaning on their shovels, looking miserable. Not our neighbor. He was busy digging.

When he saw us, he stopped to take us on a quick tour. He showed us how to dig a ditch. We were amazed. His ditches were straight and uniformly deep with firm sides.

“Aren’t they beautiful?” he exclaimed. He was actually proud of his ditches.

I remember one night we were all sitting on the porch, watching the sun go down. The sunset was beautiful, and this neighbor was overtaken with enthusiasm. I mean really excited! About a sunset.

“What a beautiful sunset!” he exclaimed. “What a miracle to watch!”

Even though he had experienced a letdown that would have depressed many, he could get excited about a sunset.

It is not the task that is important,
but the spirit we bring to that task.

One night, he announced that he had been made foreman. He was filled with compassion and pity for his men. Many of them refused to accept their lot in life and spent the day moaning and complaining. Our neighbor now had a new enthusiasm for his job. He was excited about the challenge of lifting his men out of despondency and showing them how to be thankful for the work they had to do.

As I watched this highly skilled craftsman find a challenge and satisfaction in whatever was before him, I realized he had mastered a pivotal life principle: It is not the task that is important, but the spirit we bring to that task.

Mr. Davis brought an undaunted spirit to every task and experience. As a result, he was happy and successful.

The next spring, he planted a garden. He was thrilled with the garden and worked in it every evening. The entire process fascinated him.

“What a miracle,” he would say. “Look at everything grow.”

To others, a garden was just dust, mud, and hours of bending over. To my neighbor, it was a miracle.

Mr. Davis had a faith that sustained him. He depended on God to provide for him. His faith could be summed up in these verses from the Bible:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.”
—Proverbs 3:5–6

Other Indestructible Individuals

There were other people in the neighborhood who lived by the same faith. Many nights the conversation on our front porch turned to what to do about unpaid taxes, unpaid bills, postponed car repairs, or house repairs, because there was no money. The adults would talk about someone who had had his car repossessed or who had lost a home, or about standing in line for welfare checks. Frequently, they would pray together, expressing their faith in a guiding God, asking him to comfort their friends. They prayed for each other, too, reaffirming their own faith and asking God for peace and wisdom.

Those prayers seemed to settle everything—there was nothing to worry about. God was in control and these people rested in his provision.

One night one of the men suggested, “Let’s build a tennis court. We don’t have any money, but we’ve got lots of energy.”

And so a plan was drawn up to build a clay court. I spent many hours pulling a heavy roller. Others used rakes, hoes, and shovels. After many weeks, we were done. What a day it was when we all lined up and looked at the brand-new lines made of white lime. We were so proud!

We spent many happy hours playing tennis on that court made by our own hands.

All of these neighbors were people of faith. They didn’t know what their future held, but they trusted God to take care of them. These people were indestructible. They had an optimism and a hope that carried them through the Great Depression.

Mr. Davis Faces Another Crisis

Thirty years after the Great Depression, Mr. Davis underwent another difficult experience. After the uncertain years of the Depression, he had secured a good job with a great company. Unfortunately, the company went bankrupt. In one day, his job was gone and so was the retirement plan he had contributed to for twenty years. It was no surprise to me that he met this problem with the same faith he had shown back in the 30s.

Over the years, other neighbors also faced many difficult problems, but their faith and hope did not rest on changeable circumstances or the mistakes of other people. Their source of faith and hope is best described by another Bible passage:

For I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. —Philippians 4:11–12, NASB

How can you join the ranks of the unusual people who find happiness no matter what their situation is? How can you enjoy life in the face of a financial failure, a negligent husband, an unresponsive wife, or a job setback? How can you handle maddening daily schedules? How can you get beyond little, everyday irritants? How can you handle lonely moments or decisions when no one stands with you—not even your family and friends? In other words: how can you find happiness and contentment in your current life situation?

There is a way!

Questions for Reflection/Discussion:

1. How do you typically respond to difficulty in your life?
2. In what ways does society hinder us from facing our difficulties in a productive way?
3. In what areas of your life are you currently seeking happiness?

Memorize: Proverbs 3:5–6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take.

We have all heard someone wistfully say:

“If I could only get that promotion, then I would be happy.”

“Being a stay at home mom is degrading. If only I had a job, then I would be happy.”

“If my husband would only pay more attention to me, then I would be happy.”

“If only our children would obey, then we’d be happy.”

We tend to want the golden pot at the end of the rainbow, that something in the future that will bring us happiness—a new experience, a new success, a new degree of cooperation or respect or obedience from the people around us, or even a new someone.

I’ve listened to many people describe their new circumstances with excitement in their voices. Their eyes sparkle and happy smiles light up their faces. Generally, such optimism consumes us when there are prospects for something new in the future.

“I’m getting married.”

“I’m starting a new job.”

“I made a wonderful investment.”

“We are building a new house.”

“We are expecting a baby.”

“I’m starting a new business.”

“We are taking a trip.”

“I’m going to college.”

I’ve also listened to these same people who have been in their “new” situations for a while—perhaps years. Sometimes their hopes have turned to ashes. As they recount their current predicaments their eyes are slits, the corners of their mouths are turned down, their voices tremble.

“My wife drives me crazy.”

“My husband is selfish.”

“My boss is unmerciful.”

“My investment was a poor choice, I lost everything.”

“We have all kinds of problems with our new house.”

“The baby cries all night.”

“My business takes up all of my time.”

“Our trip was awful.”

“I hate college.”

We all know people—perhaps our own children, parents, or close friends—who have spent a great deal of time and energy in pursuit of education, wealth, power, social life, or religious standing. Their goal was a fulfilled, contented, happy, productive life. But they’ve ended up depressed, angry, bitter, frustrated, or empty, with broken hearts and failed relationships. They didn’t learn “to be content in whatever circumstances” they were in.

Jenny and Josh—A Marriage on the Brink of Destruction

The tragedy of seeking happiness from human relationships is illustrated by Jenny and Josh.

They started their marriage with the highest of hopes. Jenny had been a very lonely, unhappy person who had fled her unhappy childhood home and was living alone. Josh had been raised in a family broken by a divorce. He was an independent person who did as he pleased. Jenny liked his happy-go-lucky manner.

Their courtship was brief, a few months of whirlwind dating, a short engagement, and then marriage and a happy life together (they thought).

However, it took only a few months for them to discover that marriage was not the answer to their individual quests for happiness. Josh continued his independent ways, going and coming as he pleased. Maybe he came home straight from work, maybe not. He didn’t feel the need to keep Jenny informed as to his whereabouts.

On the days when Josh didn’t come straight home from work, when he did happen to arrive at home he was confronted by a predictably cold, untouchable, angry woman. After listening to her tirades for a while, he would become increasingly disgusted and end up leaving the house again, shouting at her as he slammed the door behind him.

They stuck it out for eleven long, miserable years—with Jenny griping and complaining the entire time. Josh just ignored her and continued to do his own thing.

Finally, he announced that he was moving out, leaving their two children for Jenny to worry about. He moved in with a girlfriend.

As Jenny told me their story, it was obvious that she was desperate. Her hands doubled into fists. Her voice shrilled. The tensed muscles in her jaw distorted her beautiful face.

“He comes home once a week to see the children,” she told me. “We have a boy, age nine, and a girl, almost eleven. All week long I have to fuss with those kids. Then on the weekend, here comes Josh. He’s relaxed, smug, and happy. It makes me furious.”

If Josh is relaxed when he arrives, it doesn’t last long. Jenny furiously berates him with all the hostile words she can think of. Each visit ends the same way. Jenny complains and criticizes until Josh finally blows up. The two of them start shouting at each other, even hitting each other.

“Every week is like a war,” she said. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t want a divorce. I want my marriage back. But I can’t stand the sight of that man.”

By now, I suppose you have already taken sides and perhaps wonder where I stand.

Obviously, Josh is doing wrong. Even in our permissive society, very few Bible-believing Christians would condone his living arrangement with his girlfriend—especially when he is still married to Jenny. The Bible is crystal clear on this: “You must not commit adultery” (Deuteronomy 5:18).

But Josh insists that his wife’s behavior is driving him into his girlfriend’s arms. However, just because he says that is what he believes, doesn’t make it true. He is clearly wrong. At the same time, when Jenny storms around the house with anger, hostility, bitterness, and hatred, she surely isn’t hurting Josh or his girlfriend. They aren’t there. She is alone, hurting only herself.

All this is going on underneath her own skin. And this is a key principle.

Jenny insists that Josh causes her condition. If he would shape up, she would be a pleasant, responsive, happy woman. Because she says it so passionately, however, doesn’t make her right. She also is wrong.

Jenny and Josh have two problems, not one.

1. What to do about their marriage.
2. What to do about themselves.

And the second needs to be dealt with first. Before anything can be done about their marriage, they individually need to do something about themselves.

Josh refused to come to me for counseling, but Jenny came to see me again.

“Tell me how to find contentment in this mess,” she pleaded. “I really do want to save my marriage.”

What she really needed was some instruction. So together, we took a look at some Bible verses.

Galatians 5 tells us,

When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God.—vv. 19–21

Our “sinful nature” comes from within. Other people may give occasion for us to express it, but they don’t cause it.

Which of these apply to Jenny? Hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, and envy.

As we discussed her role in their conflict, she shouted, “What about Josh? He’s a lying, two-faced adulterer and blames me for driving him into that woman’s arms.”

True. Which of these apply to Josh? In addition, to those that apply to Jenny, sexual immorality, impurity, and lustful pleasures.

They both have allowed the sinful nature to take control of their lives. If both Jenny and Josh had a cold, each would need to be treated for his or her own cold. Likewise, each needs to deal with his or her own personal sinful nature.

The good news is that Galatians goes on to say,

But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. —vv. 22–23

What a relief it would be for Jenny to be filled with such a Spirit and experience all he has to offer. What a delight for her to share her love, joy, and peace with Josh.

“Why should I treat him like that?” she grumbled. “He doesn’t deserve it.”

True. He doesn’t. But why should he ruin her inner life and spoil her evenings?

Jenny was noncommittal when she left my office. I find it strange that we readily accept and defend our outbursts of anger, disputes, and strife and steadfastly resist love, joy, and peace when it is offered to us so freely.

I’ve learned from many of my clients that the one who is mistreated tends to be preoccupied with the misdeeds of the offending one while at the same time justifying their own personal negative behavior or reactions toward the offending person, even at the cost of personal misery.

However, the next time Jenny came to see me, I hardly recognized her. Her face was relaxed and the shrillness was gone from her voice. She was beautiful, content, and happy.

What had happened?

She had repented of her nastiness and had asked God to fill her with his Holy Spirit. She had dealt with herself.

“I realized that I needed to take responsibility for myself. I really do want to save my marriage,” she said.

“Alright, then,” I replied. “What I am about to share with you may seem difficult, but let me assure you that, with God’s help, you can do it. The next time Josh comes over, melt into his arms and give him a kiss such as you have never given him before.”

Her response to that was: “Ugh.”

“But let me warn you,” I went on. “Don’t be surprised if he doesn’t respond.”

Sure enough, the next time Josh showed up, she melted into his arms, and he got out of there and drove off. He didn’t know how to handle such behavior and fled, wondering what she was up to.

Jenny had her lapses, but she continued to ask God to fill her with his qualities. Over time, Josh’s visits became mutually pleasant experiences. He eventually wanted to find what Jenny had found. He asked her to explain how and why she had changed so drastically.

Jenny simply explained to him that she had become so preoccupied with his misdeeds that she had become totally blind to her own. When it dawned on her that her meanness was her own doing, she had confessed the fact to the Lord, asked him to forgive her, to cleanse her, and to strengthen her with his Spirit. When she saw clearly that she had been blaming Josh for her choices, by an act of her own will she took responsibility for her choices.

Peace and love come from God.

 “I was very wrong in the way I treated you, Josh,” she said. “And I’m sorry. Please forgive me. With God’s help I intend to respond to you as a wife should. I know that I cannot control what you do, but I am going to love you as I should.”

Josh went away convinced that Jenny was laying a trap. From that point on, when Josh came over, he was looking for a fight. Jenny took months of mistreatment in exchange for her friendly, quiet manner.

Finally, Josh was convinced that the new Jenny had something, and one day, all alone, he asked Jesus to invade his life, forgive him for his adulterous, selfish ways, and give him the Spirit Jenny had.

Today they are united as a family. They found the key to happiness. They found that peace and love come from God, not from human relationships.

Dave and Lisa—Empty Success

Dave and Lisa exemplify the futility of seeking happiness through financial success and accomplishments.

 Dave is a big, strong, brilliant, talented man. He moved from extreme poverty as a child to reach a boyhood dream of owning his own business and becoming financially independent. Lisa is an energetic, personable, competent woman. They lived in California, not far from Yosemite National Park, and started renting trailers to people who wanted to haul their camping gear up the mountain. This was way back before anyone had even imagined RVs!

It was a family business. Together, Dave and Lisa installed hitches on the back bumpers of cars, hooked up trailers, and watched families happily head for Yosemite. The playground for their small children was the trailer lot, which was also the front yard of their house.

Their customers began asking if a refrigerator could be installed in their trailers. Then they wanted a refrigerator and a cupboard. Then a tent trailer. Every change added weight to the trailers until they were so heavy the cars heated up when they pulled them up the mountain.

If only he could eliminate the car. Dave was a dreamer, an innovator, a pioneer, and so, he started working on plans to produce a motor home that could be sold for half the price of current models.

For fourteen years Dave poured his entire life into the challenge of developing a motor-driven recreational vehicle. A company finally agreed to produce it, and quickly this motorhome company was out producing and outselling all the competitors in the United States. Dave’s dream was coming true. His idea was an industry changing concept and his perseverance a success story. And … at the center of Dave and Lisa’s dream was financial success.

However, Dave and Lisa were not people who desired financial success purely for themselves.

One of their employees needed an operation and they paid the entire bill. They helped several employees make down payments on their homes. Another employee was confined to a wheelchair, and Dave hired him to wait on customers. “He is a capable person, and his personality and efficiency benefit our company,” Dave said. Dave even arranged to have a special room built onto this man’s house, designed to make life as comfortable as possible for him.

So, Dave was a nice guy, wasn’t he? He was pleased because his idea made a contribution to making life more enjoyable for American families. He ultimately walked away from his business with several million dollars. He’d done it. Now he could take it easy the rest of his life. It was just a matter of picking the place to retire.

Dave and Lisa’s search ended when they chose a plush condominium on one of Florida’s choicest oceanfront sites. “All my life I figured happiness would come when I reached this level in life,” he said. “Now I can almost taste it.”

Dave and Lisa arrived in Florida ready to enjoy life fully. They accumulated the obligatory fancy car, fishing boat, and twin-engine plane.

So, Dave started into the good life. One day he would play golf. The next morning, walk the beach. Then he and Lisa would jump in the plane and fly over to Nassau for lunch. In the afternoon they would fly back and play tennis. There was scuba diving, and deep-sea fishing, and lazy afternoons at the beach. If Dave and his family got bored with southern Florida, they could fly back to California to Lisa’s parents’ home (all 5,000 square feet of it that Dave and Lisa had purchased for them) nestled on twenty acres, replete with fruit trees. While they were there, the family could use their five ATVs and go hill climbing. If the United States didn’t present enough excitement, they could take off for Mexico … South America … Europe…the world. And they did.

Quite a change of life for a boy who was born at the tail end of the Depression and didn’t have enough money to even buy shoes for school. He’d made it. And big.

Or had he?

“No. I hadn’t,” Dave confided to me. “I had expected happiness to come with a better job … more money … the ultimate life. But after a few months of nonstop golf, tennis, and walking the beach, I found it wasn’t true. I was completely empty.”

You don’t believe it, do you? How could Dave and Lisa have an empty life with all those advantages? Even though Dave was an American success story and Mr. Nice Guy when it came to consideration for his fellow man … still, he was empty. After fourteen years of hard work focused upon reaching a goal, doing good things for fellow men along the way, he was now free to do anything his heart desired. And what did he find? Emptiness.

Happiness and contentment are not dependent on people or circumstances. They come from a person’s relationship with God.

Lisa was by his side all the way. However, she too, was dissatisfied. Many of her hopes for her family turned to ashes. There was discord among the children. There were strained relations between her and Dave.

I walked along the beautiful Florida beaches with Lisa and Dave, listening to their story of emptiness and hopelessness. What, or where, is the key to happiness? For Lisa and Dave, hard work, success, and wealth had led to an empty pot at the end of the rainbow.

However, there is a happy ending. Dave and Lisa came to realize that hostility, quarreling, jealousy, selfish ambition, dissension, division, and envy were robbing them of the good life they had worked so hard to find.

The solution that worked for Jenny and Josh also worked for them—confession, repentance, receiving forgiveness and cleansing, and allowing God to strengthen them day by day.

The change in their lives has been incredible. Their marriage relationship tension has slipped away. Family problems continue but no longer tear up their world. They don’t have to travel around the world to find happiness and contentment. They have discovered the basic truth that happiness and contentment are not dependent on people or circumstances. They come from a person’s relationship with God. Only God can give love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

Questions for Reflection/Discussion:

1. Honestly, what are your “If only …” situations?
2. When is the last time you said, “I was wrong”? Is there a situation in your life currently that you need to begin to correct by saying these words? When are you going to take care of this situation?
3. What is presently standing in your way of owning your own happiness?

Memorize: Galatians 5:22–23

But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

Almost everyone who comes to my office for counseling has been in pursuit of the advantages of life, but something has seemed to stand in their way. Their happiness and sense of self-worth or self-respect have been shattered. If their self-worth and self-respect are intact, then the lack of joy in their life is attributed to the behavior of an offending person or to circumstances that have shifted to one’s disadvantage. It as if they are playing an advantages/disadvantages game.

Let me list some of the advantages I have seen people chasing and some of their perceived corollary disadvantages.

Advantages                        Disadvantages

education                               lack of education
wealth                                    poverty
high position                         low position
physical beauty                     plain or ordinary
fame                                       insignificance
popular                                  unnoticed
healthy                                   unwell
singleness/marriage             marriage/singleness
financially secure                 living paycheck to paycheck

My clients tell me that advantages or overcoming disadvantages does not lead to contentment, joy, peace, or a sense of self-worth or self-respect. We all know that the lives of the famous and the popular often end in misery. The same goes for the healthy, the educated, those in authority, and even those who believe they are financially secure. It’s a frustrating world. Technology, mechanical failures, impolite and careless people, social errors, noisy children, misunderstandings, and poor planning seem to make us angry—in spite of advantages.

One couple came to see me in separate cars because they couldn’t stand to be in the same car together. One car was a Cadillac, the other a Mercedes. They lived in a beautiful, professionally decorated house. They had unlimited financial wealth, they but couldn’t purchase friendship or happiness.

Another client had responsibility for several thousand employees and yet he came to see me because he was tremendously unhappy. He had plenty of power, but he couldn’t control the tension and bitterness in his body.

By now you get my point. Surely, anyone would prefer to be educated, wealthy, powerful, and contented rather than uneducated, poor, powerless, and contented. Nothing against advantages, you understand. But it is clear that advantages are just that—advantages. They, in themselves, do not produce happiness, contentment, joy, peace, or a sense of self-worth or self-respect. If you play the advantages/disadvantages game, you’ll always eventually come up a loser.

If advantages don’t produce positive inner qualities, what does?

There is an answer.

Three Steps to Happiness

In Matthew 22:37–39,

Jesus tells us, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: Love your neighbor as yourself.”

The key to experiencing happiness boils down to this:

1. Love God.
2. Love your neighbor.
3. Love yourself.

Happiness is not produced by the advantages and disadvantages in your life. It is a product of your priorities. In a world that values stuff, and lots of it, prestige, and power, it is hard for us to wrap our heads around the idea that God needs to be first in our lives.

In presenting this idea to my clients, it often leaves them cold and unresponsive at first glance. They don’t want God in their lives, they want happiness! And happiness comes from earning enough money, getting an education, being understood, and having an understanding spouse, obedient children, and appreciative friends, doesn’t it?

Happiness is a product of your priorities.

The answer to that question depends on whether you believe Jesus knows what he is talking about. As for me, if Jesus said it, there is no need for a survey or research project to prove his statements. Your response to Jesus will not be changed by a further statement on my part that I have seen thousands of changed lives verifying his teaching.

The only way for you to evaluate the advice of Jesus is to take a step of faith and prove it to yourself. Take him at his Word and launch out on your own quest to prove the truth of what he says. If you choose to pursue this adventure, commit a year, or two—or better yet, five—to finding out. Make a commitment to truly pursue the life God has for you.

Step 1: Love God

Jesus said, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.” What does this mean? It means you must commit yourself to falling in love with Jesus. You give your quest all you’ve got.

How do you know if you love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind? One of Jesus’ disciples asked him a similar question and Jesus replied, “Those who accept my commandments and obey them are the ones who love me” (John 14:21).

To know and accept his commandments is no easy process. They are contained in a big, thick book called the Bible. To become familiar with the commandments of Jesus means you will need to take the time to read and study and apply the Bible to your own life. To dig into that book can seem to be a daunting task. Is it worth it? Why should you take Jesus and his commandments seriously? Let him speak for himself. He said to his disciples, “I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me” (John 16:33) and “so that you will be filled with my joy” (John 15:11).

King David, one of the wisest men who ever lived, offered this advice:

Oh, the joys of those who do not
follow the advice of the wicked,
or stand around with sinners,
or join in with mockers.
But they delight in the law of the Lord,
meditating on it day and night.
—Psalm 1:1–2

Surely some of you have tried to read the Bible, only to find it to be a dull and meaningless book. You must begin your quest with awakening a love for God. You may have doubts. Accept them and take a step of faith. Let me assure you that your step of faith will be rewarded.

However, before you begin, there is a preliminary step that you must take if God’s Word is to mean something to you.

Anyone who belongs to God listens gladly to the words of God. But you don’t listen because you don’t belong to God.—John 8:47

People who aren’t spiritual can’t receive these truths from God’s Spirit. It all sounds foolish to them and they can’t understand it, for only those who are spiritual can understand what the Spirit means. —1 Corinthians 2:14

What do these verses mean? They are telling us that in order for us to understand God’s Word, we must enter into a relationship with him. Accepting Jesus Christ and his sacrifice for your sin is the foundation for your relationship with God. It’s like saying that calculus is meaningless to the student unless he has a mathematical background. Likewise, the Bible is dead to you unless you have a relationship with God.

In the book of Revelation, Jesus said,

I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends.— Revelation 3:20.

As an act of faith, open the door or your heart and Jesus will come in and empower you to become a child of God. Then, and only then, will you discover the truth of the words of Jesus when he said,

Those who accept my commandments and obey them are the ones who love me. And because they love me, my Father will love them. And I will love them and reveal myself to each of them. —John 14:21

As God reveals himself to you, his commandments will come alive and you will discover that he is leading you to happiness, contentment, peace, joy, stability, and blessing.

Step 2: Love Your Neighbor

In Matthew 22:39, Jesus said, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” He also said, “This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” (John 15:12–13).

The apostle Paul instructed the Galatian Christians:

For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love. For the whole law can be summed up in this one command: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ But if you are always biting and devouring one another, watch out! Beware of destroying one another. —Galatians 5:12–15

Loving others can be hard! But notice that loving others comes after we love God. It is because of our love relationship with God that we are able to love others. And Paul’s instruction tells us what that love means: serving and not destroying others. When we focus our attention on loving others we find happiness ourselves.

Step 3: Love Yourself

Jesus’ directive in Matthew 22 is to “Love your neighbor as yourself” (emphasis added). In my experience, it seems that the simplest way to get people started on keeping God’s commandments is to get them working on themselves. I find that when I have a sense of improvement in my attitude and reactions to the people who cross my path, I feel better about myself. I also develop a growing sense of self-respect. I need to like myself. And so do you! It is difficult to engage with life when we feel bad about ourselves.

I have spent a lifetime listening to the stories of people who don’t like themselves. The details of these stories vary greatly, but eventually there is a recurring theme. These people don’t like themselves. They chip away at their own self-respect which in turn leads to personal anxiety and misery as well as trouble with other people.

Commitment to Live Life God’s Way

You must choose to “love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind” and to “love your neighbor as yourself.” And you will find that you must renew your commitment many times each day. There will be many temptations along the way to draw you away from your decision to put God first in all of your life situations. The Bible contains a reassuring promise:

The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure. —1 Corinthians 10:12–13

A commitment requires an initial decision and then a renewal of that decision whenever necessary.

When a person borrows money from an individual or an institution, they make a commitment to repaying that loan. Each time a payment comes due, they recommit themselves to the promise of repayment.

An educational endeavor requires the same type of commitment. An individual makes a decision to go to college, but if they stop with the decision, they still do not earn a degree. Each time a test comes along, they must renew their original commitment and take the test. They must make daily decisions to study or not to study. They must reaffirm their initial commitment when it is time to complete a research project. To get through college, it takes a daily commitment to the end goal to get through.

It has been my experience that if someone wants to do something bad enough, they’ll do it. It is possible to change your present behavior. I’ve observed people who are choosing bad behavior and justifying it because of their past, choose to make positive changes spite of their past. I’ve also observed young people who adopt an entirely new pattern of behavior after only one year of college and then turn back to their early behavior just as abruptly as they turned away from it.

A commitment requires an initial decision and then
a renewal of that decision whenever necessary.

You can choose to look at pornographic material or you can choose not to. You can choose to be mean and unhappy or you can choose not to. You can choose to make excuses for your poor choices or you can choose to start making better choices. Likewise, you can choose to study the Bible and live accordingly, or you can choose not to.

It is important to remember that a commitment made today will need to be renewed again and again as other opportunities tempt you to divert your time and effort. Your commitments are entirely up to you.

Questions for Reflection/Discussion:

1. In what ways are you currently playing the advantages/disadvantages game?
2. When it comes to loving God, loving others, and loving yourself, in which area do you need the most work? What is one step you can take to move forward in this area of your life?
3. On a scale of 1–10, how committed are you to living life God’s way? Do you want to be more committed? What is one thing you can do to become more committed?

Memorize: Matthew 22:37–39

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: Love your neighbor as yourself.”

Living with yourself begins with self-respect, and self-respect includes having a good self-image. As you consider your self-respect, it is important to evaluate yourself in in five key areas: behavior, speech, reactions, thoughts, and goals.

Behavior. Think about what you have done this week. Some of your behavior has been commendable, sacrificial, far beyond the call of duty. However, some of your behavior may have been selfish, undisciplined, mean, or far less than your best.

Speech. Reflect upon some of the words you’ve used—words of praise, reassurance, encouragement, affirmation; helpful, constructive, supportive words. However, there were probably also some words of complaining, griping, and negativity, even lies.

Reactions. How you act and interact with others is observable and what you say can be heard. But the way you react to what’s been said and done is not as readily observable or audible. This is often the invisible, private part of your world. You may have responded to situations with love, joy, peace, gentleness, tenderness, or appreciation. On the other hand, you may be harboring in your heart hatred, bitterness, anger, rebellion, or envy.

Thoughts. Thoughts represent another private part of your world. No one can observe your thoughts. You can be thinking wholesome, positive, constructive, complimentary thoughts or your mind can be filled with negative, destructive, uncomplimentary thoughts—even if you look angelic.

Goals. The goals in your life are the desired outcomes you are striving to achieve. Are your goals positive and constructive or negative and destructive? We all have goals. Sometimes our goal is to not have goals.

Your self-respect is either built up or torn down by the choices you make. Each one of us is involved in a multitude of choices every day. Our self-respect often depends on the quality of our performance of the various tasks we work on throughout the day.

We do our best.
We don’t care.

We do it right.
We mess it up.

We do what is required.
We find a way to unnecessarily cut corners.

We follow instructions.
We do it our own way.

We give it all we’ve got.
We do it half-heartedly.

We keep our agreements.
We go back on our word.

Your self-respect is either built up or torn down
by the choices you make.

We make our choices day after day according to the personal principles that guide us. The Bible provides us with a central reference point. For the entirety of my counseling career I’ve never found its principles to be incorrect.

Two men came out of a mine shaft. One had a dirty face. The other man’s face was clean. The man with the clean face looked at his companion, concluded that his own face was also dirty, and left to wash his face.

The dirty-faced man didn’t wash his face. After seeing his friend’s clean face, he decided there was no need.

Both came up with the wrong conclusion because they had used each other as a reference point. What these men needed was a mirror; something outside of themselves that would give them a realistic, objective view of themselves.

We need a reference point as well, a mirror, a guidebook that is consistently accurate. It’s not enough to stand in front of a mirror and see what’s wrong. We need to take calm, corrective action. James 1:22–25 tells us:

Don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves. For if you listen to the word and don’t obey, it is like glancing at your face in a mirror. You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like. But if you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, and if you do what it says and don’t forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it.

How can it be said more clearly? Without action the information you have is not being used to your advantage. You must decide to start using God’s Word to make a difference in your life.

Biblical Guidelines

The Bible provides us with some guidelines to help us make choices, but the responsibility for our daily actions rests squarely on our own shoulders.

You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is good for you. You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is beneficial. —1 Corinthians 10:23

Remember, it is sin to know what you ought to do and then not do it. —James 4:17

And this righteousness will bring peace. Yes, it will bring quietness and confidence forever. —Isaiah 32:17

Every day of your life you are given the opportunity to make choices about what you will or will not do. Part of the fun in participating in athletics is the challenge of making quick, spontaneous decisions within the rules and boundaries of the game. Likewise, we experience pleasure when we make decision upon decision within the boundaries God gives us as found in his Word. Continuous, ongoing study of God’s Word with the intent to obey what we read and learn will lead to a life of happiness and joy. Living your life by God’s standards and principles will help you to choose behaviors, speech patterns, reactions, thoughts, and goals that bring contentment.

Here are just a few of Bible passages that I’ve memorized and that I apply to my life every day.

I have hidden your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you. —Psalm 119:11

I have more insight than my teachers, for I am always thinking of your laws. I am even wiser than my elders, for I have kept your commandments. I have refused to walk on any evil path, so that I may remain obedient to your word. —Psalm 119:99–101

Those who love your instructions have great peace and do not stumble. —Psalm 119:165

Oh, that you had listened to my commands! Then you would have had peace flowing like a gentle river and righteousness rolling over you like waves in the sea. —Isaiah 48:18

Study this Book of Instruction continually. Meditate on it day and night so you will be sure to obey everything written in it. Only then will you prosper and succeed in all you do. This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. —Joshua 1:8–9

Searching out God’s instruction will lead you into a lifetime study of the Bible. It will also guide you into behavior pleasing to God and will contribute to your self-respect. That’s worth a lifetime of study! Why not commit yourself to a lifetime of doing what is right? Just as people who are physically fit spend a lifetime learning fitness principles and following them, so contented people learn the principles that will enable them to build self-respect.

Ethan’s Tough Choice

Consider this example of how one man saw his self-respect grow by the choices he made.

Ethan came to me with a unique question. He was an expert amateur skier and was a very popular athlete—one of the favorites of the sportswriters. As a result, his picture and favorable write-ups appeared constantly in all of the media outlets across the country. Because of his popularity, a ski manufacturer was urging him to turn professional and to endorse their skis. This deal would mean his income would increase substantially.

His amateur team of course was urging him to keep his amateur status. He was the spark plug of the ski team. Ethan was torn between his loyalty to the team and the lure of the professional contract.

Finally, Ethan agreed to remain an amateur until after the last meet of the season, which would be held in the Rocky Mountains the first week of February, turning pro in time to race in the professional championships the third week of February.

Unfortunately, the first week of February there was not enough snow in the Rockies, so the national meet was moved to New Hampshire, but because of other meets already scheduled in that area, the date was changed to the third week of February. The amateur team insisted that the change in dates did not release him from his promise to them. But the ski manufacturer also had a promise from him. He got conflicting advice from attorneys and friends.

“What should I do?” he asked me. “My reputation means more to me than the money. It has never before failed to snow in the Rockies. What do you do when the weather crosses you up? I want to keep my word to the amateurs, but I also want to turn professional.”

There were no simple answers. We prayed together for wisdom. But, after prayer, the problem remained.

Making the right choice is not always easy.

Ethan realized he must take a step of faith. He chose to stay with the amateur team. His decision involved a great financial loss, but he was at peace with himself because as best he could determine, he was doing what was right.

As Ethan struggled through this experience I was reminded of the apostle Paul who said, “Those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit. So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up” (Galatians 6:8–9).

Making the right choice is not always easy. For Ethan, there was no obvious way to go. His choice had to be determined by the broad principles of God’s Word he was committed to following.

The Raspberry Patch

On the other hand, many choices are clearly right or wrong.

When I was a boy, our neighbor had a fine raspberry patch. My instructions were to stay out of that patch—unless permission was given by my parents and the people who owned the patch. One day I wandered past the patch. The berries were ripe, and there was no one around. I slipped into the patch and started eating the cool, juicy raspberries. What a pleasure!

Suddenly, there was a noise behind me. I turned around and was face to face with the owner, Mrs. Jackson. I was terrified. My heart pounded wildly and I began to sweat.

Desperately, I pleaded with her not to tell my mother. But she wouldn’t promise. Those delicious berries suddenly felt like a rock in my stomach as I headed away from the scene of the crime. For the rest of the day, a nagging question plagued my mind: Had she told my mother? I had a miserable afternoon.

This was a conscious, deliberate choice to do wrong. Now, I was suffering because of it. Soon, I heard my mother call, “Hennnn-rrrreeee!”

Did she know? Had the neighbor lady called her? What would happen to me? Filled with fear, I went into the house, expecting the worst. My mother was waiting for me.

“Henry …”

“Yes, mom.”

Scared to death. Here it comes.

“Henry, I need you to go to the store for me.”

What a relief! Maybe she didn’t know. But how could I tell?

At dinner, I was fidgety and nervous. Finally, my father said, “What’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing’s wrong with me, Dad. Nothing at all. Nothing.”

I realized I had protested too much. I’m going to give myself away if I don’t calm down.

“Then, why aren’t you eating your dinner?”

“I am eating.”

I was eating, but the food gave me a sick feeling. I glanced nervously back and forth between my father and mother.

Finally, my mother said, “Henry, there is too something wrong with you.”

“Nothing’s wrong, Mom.”

I resisted the temptation to say it again, then got out of there as fast as I could.

It was a terrible evening. The frightening climax came when dad called up the stairs. Usually, when he called me, something was up. Again there was the same reaction within me—tension, sweating, and a pounding heart.

When I answered him, “It’s bedtime,” was all he said.

Whew. What a relief to disappear into my bedroom. But, it proved to be a most uncomfortable night.

The next day I was playing outside and, to my dismay, here came the lady who owned the raspberry patch. I ducked behind a corner of the house and spied on her as she approached.

She came closer. Closer. Closer.

Then, she went past the house. And on down the street.

Whew. Safe again. So it went for days of agonized misery. And I never did find out if she told my parents. But I was miserable for a long time.

Nervous, Anxious, Worried People

I’ve listened to countless stories in the counseling office of people who create similar tensions for themselves because of their own actions. No one knows their secret. But they know.

And that’s enough.

As a child I learned two lines of a poem by the English poet, Matthew Arnold:

There is a secret in his breast

That will never let him rest.

Your secret may not be that you are having an affair or stealing from your employer. It may be as simple as sneaking into a raspberry patch.

Telegram in the Night

Many years ago, I was the dean of men in a small college. One night, I had to deliver a telegram to one of the students in the men’s dormitory. Another student was standing in the hall, so I greeted him and went on to deliver the message.

On my way out, the same student approached me and said, “I need to talk to you. Do you have a few minutes?”

As we walked down the sidewalk, he blurted out, “I have a confession to make. Every time I see you coming toward me I think you have found out what I have done. I’m tired of the suspense of hiding, and I want to confess.”

He had repeatedly broken a college rule that required students who had cars to have liability insurance if they transported other students. He had no such insurance. Often, he would load his car with fellow students and take off. They often joked about how easy it was to put one over on the dean.

They were right. I had no idea this was going on.

Can you picture this student? I’d often stop him on the sidewalk and make small talk.

“How are you? … How is your car working? … Good-bye.”

Occasionally, I’d see him sitting on a bench with his girlfriend (who often went riding with him), so I’d wander over to visit a few minutes with both of them.

“It was bad enough when you stopped me on the sidewalk, but when you actually engaged me in a conversation, I got all tensed up.”

This is what the student had lived with. Then, suddenly this evening, the door had opened and there, framed in the doorway and coming right at him, was the dean of men. He figured I was after him, but I walked right past without much more than a word.

“It shook me up when you came in,” he said. “I just can’t stand it anymore.”

You don’t break God’s laws without paying
the price of inner tension.

He was the author of his own misery because of his own behavior, and it was chipping away at his self-respect.

This student is not unusual. Most of the people I talk to have done what they wanted to do if they wanted to do it bad enough—rules or no rules, promises or no promises, standards or no standards, commitments or no commitments.

When we do so, we must live with whatever tension goes with it—sometimes much and sometimes little. You don’t break God’s laws (disobey authority) without paying the personal price of inner tension.

The Burning Cigar

Some years ago, I taught a college-age Sunday school class. There was one young man in the class who often said, “I am very devoted to the Lord. Because my body is the Lord’s, I want to take care of it. I don’t stay up late, I’m careful what I eat, I exercise regularly, don’t drink, smoke, or chase women.”

The entire class listened—and nodded. “Good for you,” we would say with admiration.

Then, one day at an airport many miles from home, as I was approaching the terminal, I thought I saw this model student standing in front of the building.

Guess what?

He had a cigar in his mouth, puffing away as happy as could be. He didn’t notice me. Since I knew him quite well, I walked up to chat with him. Then he saw me—and did a very strange thing.

He stuck that cigar—still smoking—in his pocket!

He wasn’t very happy to see me.

It was a pitiful, yet amusing, sight. As we talked, the smoke began curling up from his pocket. He was one miserable young man.

We had a brief conversation and then he was in a hurry to be off.

What was wrong? He was the architect of his own misery. His conduct didn’t fit his words.

Obeying the Rules

Have you ever been driving on a freeway and suddenly spotted a state trooper cruising behind you?

Why is he following me?

You glance at your speedometer.

 I’m only going 70.

Isn’t that a comfortable feeling? The relief of correct behavior.

Recently, I was riding in a friend’s car. We were in a hurry and couldn’t find a parking place, so he decided to take a chance on putting the car in a No Parking area.

Rarely have I done business so quickly. My friend was pressing me the entire time—and was very relieved to get back out on the street!

There are many signs that tell us what to do:

Please Wait     Visitors Only     No Parking     Quiet Please     Keep Off the Grass     Turn Left

There is no end to the rules to be obeyed. Play within the rules, and you’re comfortable. Do otherwise, and you’re uncomfortable. Consider what the Bible has to say:

Pay careful attention to your own work, for then you will get the satisfaction of a job well done, and you won’t need to compare yourself to anyone else. —Galatians 6:4

Want to have no fear of authority? Do what is good and you will have praise of the same … if you do what is evil, be afraid … for … an avenger … brings wrath upon the one who practices evil. —Romans 13:3–4, NASB

If you follow the instruction of God’s Word, you will find your self-respect growing, and you will find that your happiness is growing because you like yourself and the choices you are making.

Questions for Reflection/Discussion:

1. When you think about your own self-respect, which of the five key areas (behavior, speech, reactions, thoughts, and goals) most often trips you up?
2. What are some of your life principles? What are some of the principles from God’s Word that guide you?
3. What is one thing you have learned from this chapter that you can put into practice in your own life?

Memorize: Galatians 6:8–9

Those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit. So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.