Apicontent

Almost everyone who comes to my office for counseling has been in pursuit of the advantages of life, but something has seemed to stand in their way. Their happiness and sense of self-worth or self-respect have been shattered. If their self-worth and self-respect are intact, then the lack of joy in their life is attributed to the behavior of an offending person or to circumstances that have shifted to one’s disadvantage. It as if they are playing an advantages/disadvantages game.

Let me list some of the advantages I have seen people chasing and some of their perceived corollary disadvantages.

Advantages                        Disadvantages

education                               lack of education
wealth                                    poverty
high position                         low position
physical beauty                     plain or ordinary
fame                                       insignificance
popular                                  unnoticed
healthy                                   unwell
singleness/marriage             marriage/singleness
financially secure                 living paycheck to paycheck

My clients tell me that advantages or overcoming disadvantages does not lead to contentment, joy, peace, or a sense of self-worth or self-respect. We all know that the lives of the famous and the popular often end in misery. The same goes for the healthy, the educated, those in authority, and even those who believe they are financially secure. It’s a frustrating world. Technology, mechanical failures, impolite and careless people, social errors, noisy children, misunderstandings, and poor planning seem to make us angry—in spite of advantages.

One couple came to see me in separate cars because they couldn’t stand to be in the same car together. One car was a Cadillac, the other a Mercedes. They lived in a beautiful, professionally decorated house. They had unlimited financial wealth, they but couldn’t purchase friendship or happiness.

Another client had responsibility for several thousand employees and yet he came to see me because he was tremendously unhappy. He had plenty of power, but he couldn’t control the tension and bitterness in his body.

By now you get my point. Surely, anyone would prefer to be educated, wealthy, powerful, and contented rather than uneducated, poor, powerless, and contented. Nothing against advantages, you understand. But it is clear that advantages are just that—advantages. They, in themselves, do not produce happiness, contentment, joy, peace, or a sense of self-worth or self-respect. If you play the advantages/disadvantages game, you’ll always eventually come up a loser.

If advantages don’t produce positive inner qualities, what does?

There is an answer.

Three Steps to Happiness

In Matthew 22:37–39,

Jesus tells us, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: Love your neighbor as yourself.”

The key to experiencing happiness boils down to this:

1. Love God.
2. Love your neighbor.
3. Love yourself.

Happiness is not produced by the advantages and disadvantages in your life. It is a product of your priorities. In a world that values stuff, and lots of it, prestige, and power, it is hard for us to wrap our heads around the idea that God needs to be first in our lives.

In presenting this idea to my clients, it often leaves them cold and unresponsive at first glance. They don’t want God in their lives, they want happiness! And happiness comes from earning enough money, getting an education, being understood, and having an understanding spouse, obedient children, and appreciative friends, doesn’t it?

Happiness is a product of your priorities.

The answer to that question depends on whether you believe Jesus knows what he is talking about. As for me, if Jesus said it, there is no need for a survey or research project to prove his statements. Your response to Jesus will not be changed by a further statement on my part that I have seen thousands of changed lives verifying his teaching.

The only way for you to evaluate the advice of Jesus is to take a step of faith and prove it to yourself. Take him at his Word and launch out on your own quest to prove the truth of what he says. If you choose to pursue this adventure, commit a year, or two—or better yet, five—to finding out. Make a commitment to truly pursue the life God has for you.

Step 1: Love God

Jesus said, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.” What does this mean? It means you must commit yourself to falling in love with Jesus. You give your quest all you’ve got.

How do you know if you love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind? One of Jesus’ disciples asked him a similar question and Jesus replied, “Those who accept my commandments and obey them are the ones who love me” (John 14:21).

To know and accept his commandments is no easy process. They are contained in a big, thick book called the Bible. To become familiar with the commandments of Jesus means you will need to take the time to read and study and apply the Bible to your own life. To dig into that book can seem to be a daunting task. Is it worth it? Why should you take Jesus and his commandments seriously? Let him speak for himself. He said to his disciples, “I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me” (John 16:33) and “so that you will be filled with my joy” (John 15:11).

King David, one of the wisest men who ever lived, offered this advice:

Oh, the joys of those who do not
follow the advice of the wicked,
or stand around with sinners,
or join in with mockers.
But they delight in the law of the Lord,
meditating on it day and night.
—Psalm 1:1–2

Surely some of you have tried to read the Bible, only to find it to be a dull and meaningless book. You must begin your quest with awakening a love for God. You may have doubts. Accept them and take a step of faith. Let me assure you that your step of faith will be rewarded.

However, before you begin, there is a preliminary step that you must take if God’s Word is to mean something to you.

Anyone who belongs to God listens gladly to the words of God. But you don’t listen because you don’t belong to God.—John 8:47

People who aren’t spiritual can’t receive these truths from God’s Spirit. It all sounds foolish to them and they can’t understand it, for only those who are spiritual can understand what the Spirit means. —1 Corinthians 2:14

What do these verses mean? They are telling us that in order for us to understand God’s Word, we must enter into a relationship with him. Accepting Jesus Christ and his sacrifice for your sin is the foundation for your relationship with God. It’s like saying that calculus is meaningless to the student unless he has a mathematical background. Likewise, the Bible is dead to you unless you have a relationship with God.

In the book of Revelation, Jesus said,

I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends.— Revelation 3:20.

As an act of faith, open the door or your heart and Jesus will come in and empower you to become a child of God. Then, and only then, will you discover the truth of the words of Jesus when he said,

Those who accept my commandments and obey them are the ones who love me. And because they love me, my Father will love them. And I will love them and reveal myself to each of them. —John 14:21

As God reveals himself to you, his commandments will come alive and you will discover that he is leading you to happiness, contentment, peace, joy, stability, and blessing.

Step 2: Love Your Neighbor

In Matthew 22:39, Jesus said, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” He also said, “This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” (John 15:12–13).

The apostle Paul instructed the Galatian Christians:

For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love. For the whole law can be summed up in this one command: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ But if you are always biting and devouring one another, watch out! Beware of destroying one another. —Galatians 5:12–15

Loving others can be hard! But notice that loving others comes after we love God. It is because of our love relationship with God that we are able to love others. And Paul’s instruction tells us what that love means: serving and not destroying others. When we focus our attention on loving others we find happiness ourselves.

Step 3: Love Yourself

Jesus’ directive in Matthew 22 is to “Love your neighbor as yourself” (emphasis added). In my experience, it seems that the simplest way to get people started on keeping God’s commandments is to get them working on themselves. I find that when I have a sense of improvement in my attitude and reactions to the people who cross my path, I feel better about myself. I also develop a growing sense of self-respect. I need to like myself. And so do you! It is difficult to engage with life when we feel bad about ourselves.

I have spent a lifetime listening to the stories of people who don’t like themselves. The details of these stories vary greatly, but eventually there is a recurring theme. These people don’t like themselves. They chip away at their own self-respect which in turn leads to personal anxiety and misery as well as trouble with other people.

Commitment to Live Life God’s Way

You must choose to “love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind” and to “love your neighbor as yourself.” And you will find that you must renew your commitment many times each day. There will be many temptations along the way to draw you away from your decision to put God first in all of your life situations. The Bible contains a reassuring promise:

The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure. —1 Corinthians 10:12–13

A commitment requires an initial decision and then a renewal of that decision whenever necessary.

When a person borrows money from an individual or an institution, they make a commitment to repaying that loan. Each time a payment comes due, they recommit themselves to the promise of repayment.

An educational endeavor requires the same type of commitment. An individual makes a decision to go to college, but if they stop with the decision, they still do not earn a degree. Each time a test comes along, they must renew their original commitment and take the test. They must make daily decisions to study or not to study. They must reaffirm their initial commitment when it is time to complete a research project. To get through college, it takes a daily commitment to the end goal to get through.

It has been my experience that if someone wants to do something bad enough, they’ll do it. It is possible to change your present behavior. I’ve observed people who are choosing bad behavior and justifying it because of their past, choose to make positive changes spite of their past. I’ve also observed young people who adopt an entirely new pattern of behavior after only one year of college and then turn back to their early behavior just as abruptly as they turned away from it.

A commitment requires an initial decision and then
a renewal of that decision whenever necessary.

You can choose to look at pornographic material or you can choose not to. You can choose to be mean and unhappy or you can choose not to. You can choose to make excuses for your poor choices or you can choose to start making better choices. Likewise, you can choose to study the Bible and live accordingly, or you can choose not to.

It is important to remember that a commitment made today will need to be renewed again and again as other opportunities tempt you to divert your time and effort. Your commitments are entirely up to you.

Questions for Reflection/Discussion:

1. In what ways are you currently playing the advantages/disadvantages game?
2. When it comes to loving God, loving others, and loving yourself, in which area do you need the most work? What is one step you can take to move forward in this area of your life?
3. On a scale of 1–10, how committed are you to living life God’s way? Do you want to be more committed? What is one thing you can do to become more committed?

Memorize: Matthew 22:37–39

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: Love your neighbor as yourself.”

Living with yourself begins with self-respect, and self-respect includes having a good self-image. As you consider your self-respect, it is important to evaluate yourself in in five key areas: behavior, speech, reactions, thoughts, and goals.

Behavior. Think about what you have done this week. Some of your behavior has been commendable, sacrificial, far beyond the call of duty. However, some of your behavior may have been selfish, undisciplined, mean, or far less than your best.

Speech. Reflect upon some of the words you’ve used—words of praise, reassurance, encouragement, affirmation; helpful, constructive, supportive words. However, there were probably also some words of complaining, griping, and negativity, even lies.

Reactions. How you act and interact with others is observable and what you say can be heard. But the way you react to what’s been said and done is not as readily observable or audible. This is often the invisible, private part of your world. You may have responded to situations with love, joy, peace, gentleness, tenderness, or appreciation. On the other hand, you may be harboring in your heart hatred, bitterness, anger, rebellion, or envy.

Thoughts. Thoughts represent another private part of your world. No one can observe your thoughts. You can be thinking wholesome, positive, constructive, complimentary thoughts or your mind can be filled with negative, destructive, uncomplimentary thoughts—even if you look angelic.

Goals. The goals in your life are the desired outcomes you are striving to achieve. Are your goals positive and constructive or negative and destructive? We all have goals. Sometimes our goal is to not have goals.

Your self-respect is either built up or torn down by the choices you make. Each one of us is involved in a multitude of choices every day. Our self-respect often depends on the quality of our performance of the various tasks we work on throughout the day.

We do our best.
We don’t care.

We do it right.
We mess it up.

We do what is required.
We find a way to unnecessarily cut corners.

We follow instructions.
We do it our own way.

We give it all we’ve got.
We do it half-heartedly.

We keep our agreements.
We go back on our word.

Your self-respect is either built up or torn down
by the choices you make.

We make our choices day after day according to the personal principles that guide us. The Bible provides us with a central reference point. For the entirety of my counseling career I’ve never found its principles to be incorrect.

Two men came out of a mine shaft. One had a dirty face. The other man’s face was clean. The man with the clean face looked at his companion, concluded that his own face was also dirty, and left to wash his face.

The dirty-faced man didn’t wash his face. After seeing his friend’s clean face, he decided there was no need.

Both came up with the wrong conclusion because they had used each other as a reference point. What these men needed was a mirror; something outside of themselves that would give them a realistic, objective view of themselves.

We need a reference point as well, a mirror, a guidebook that is consistently accurate. It’s not enough to stand in front of a mirror and see what’s wrong. We need to take calm, corrective action. James 1:22–25 tells us:

Don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves. For if you listen to the word and don’t obey, it is like glancing at your face in a mirror. You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like. But if you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, and if you do what it says and don’t forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it.

How can it be said more clearly? Without action the information you have is not being used to your advantage. You must decide to start using God’s Word to make a difference in your life.

Biblical Guidelines

The Bible provides us with some guidelines to help us make choices, but the responsibility for our daily actions rests squarely on our own shoulders.

You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is good for you. You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is beneficial. —1 Corinthians 10:23

Remember, it is sin to know what you ought to do and then not do it. —James 4:17

And this righteousness will bring peace. Yes, it will bring quietness and confidence forever. —Isaiah 32:17

Every day of your life you are given the opportunity to make choices about what you will or will not do. Part of the fun in participating in athletics is the challenge of making quick, spontaneous decisions within the rules and boundaries of the game. Likewise, we experience pleasure when we make decision upon decision within the boundaries God gives us as found in his Word. Continuous, ongoing study of God’s Word with the intent to obey what we read and learn will lead to a life of happiness and joy. Living your life by God’s standards and principles will help you to choose behaviors, speech patterns, reactions, thoughts, and goals that bring contentment.

Here are just a few of Bible passages that I’ve memorized and that I apply to my life every day.

I have hidden your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you. —Psalm 119:11

I have more insight than my teachers, for I am always thinking of your laws. I am even wiser than my elders, for I have kept your commandments. I have refused to walk on any evil path, so that I may remain obedient to your word. —Psalm 119:99–101

Those who love your instructions have great peace and do not stumble. —Psalm 119:165

Oh, that you had listened to my commands! Then you would have had peace flowing like a gentle river and righteousness rolling over you like waves in the sea. —Isaiah 48:18

Study this Book of Instruction continually. Meditate on it day and night so you will be sure to obey everything written in it. Only then will you prosper and succeed in all you do. This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. —Joshua 1:8–9

Searching out God’s instruction will lead you into a lifetime study of the Bible. It will also guide you into behavior pleasing to God and will contribute to your self-respect. That’s worth a lifetime of study! Why not commit yourself to a lifetime of doing what is right? Just as people who are physically fit spend a lifetime learning fitness principles and following them, so contented people learn the principles that will enable them to build self-respect.

Ethan’s Tough Choice

Consider this example of how one man saw his self-respect grow by the choices he made.

Ethan came to me with a unique question. He was an expert amateur skier and was a very popular athlete—one of the favorites of the sportswriters. As a result, his picture and favorable write-ups appeared constantly in all of the media outlets across the country. Because of his popularity, a ski manufacturer was urging him to turn professional and to endorse their skis. This deal would mean his income would increase substantially.

His amateur team of course was urging him to keep his amateur status. He was the spark plug of the ski team. Ethan was torn between his loyalty to the team and the lure of the professional contract.

Finally, Ethan agreed to remain an amateur until after the last meet of the season, which would be held in the Rocky Mountains the first week of February, turning pro in time to race in the professional championships the third week of February.

Unfortunately, the first week of February there was not enough snow in the Rockies, so the national meet was moved to New Hampshire, but because of other meets already scheduled in that area, the date was changed to the third week of February. The amateur team insisted that the change in dates did not release him from his promise to them. But the ski manufacturer also had a promise from him. He got conflicting advice from attorneys and friends.

“What should I do?” he asked me. “My reputation means more to me than the money. It has never before failed to snow in the Rockies. What do you do when the weather crosses you up? I want to keep my word to the amateurs, but I also want to turn professional.”

There were no simple answers. We prayed together for wisdom. But, after prayer, the problem remained.

Making the right choice is not always easy.

Ethan realized he must take a step of faith. He chose to stay with the amateur team. His decision involved a great financial loss, but he was at peace with himself because as best he could determine, he was doing what was right.

As Ethan struggled through this experience I was reminded of the apostle Paul who said, “Those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit. So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up” (Galatians 6:8–9).

Making the right choice is not always easy. For Ethan, there was no obvious way to go. His choice had to be determined by the broad principles of God’s Word he was committed to following.

The Raspberry Patch

On the other hand, many choices are clearly right or wrong.

When I was a boy, our neighbor had a fine raspberry patch. My instructions were to stay out of that patch—unless permission was given by my parents and the people who owned the patch. One day I wandered past the patch. The berries were ripe, and there was no one around. I slipped into the patch and started eating the cool, juicy raspberries. What a pleasure!

Suddenly, there was a noise behind me. I turned around and was face to face with the owner, Mrs. Jackson. I was terrified. My heart pounded wildly and I began to sweat.

Desperately, I pleaded with her not to tell my mother. But she wouldn’t promise. Those delicious berries suddenly felt like a rock in my stomach as I headed away from the scene of the crime. For the rest of the day, a nagging question plagued my mind: Had she told my mother? I had a miserable afternoon.

This was a conscious, deliberate choice to do wrong. Now, I was suffering because of it. Soon, I heard my mother call, “Hennnn-rrrreeee!”

Did she know? Had the neighbor lady called her? What would happen to me? Filled with fear, I went into the house, expecting the worst. My mother was waiting for me.

“Henry …”

“Yes, mom.”

Scared to death. Here it comes.

“Henry, I need you to go to the store for me.”

What a relief! Maybe she didn’t know. But how could I tell?

At dinner, I was fidgety and nervous. Finally, my father said, “What’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing’s wrong with me, Dad. Nothing at all. Nothing.”

I realized I had protested too much. I’m going to give myself away if I don’t calm down.

“Then, why aren’t you eating your dinner?”

“I am eating.”

I was eating, but the food gave me a sick feeling. I glanced nervously back and forth between my father and mother.

Finally, my mother said, “Henry, there is too something wrong with you.”

“Nothing’s wrong, Mom.”

I resisted the temptation to say it again, then got out of there as fast as I could.

It was a terrible evening. The frightening climax came when dad called up the stairs. Usually, when he called me, something was up. Again there was the same reaction within me—tension, sweating, and a pounding heart.

When I answered him, “It’s bedtime,” was all he said.

Whew. What a relief to disappear into my bedroom. But, it proved to be a most uncomfortable night.

The next day I was playing outside and, to my dismay, here came the lady who owned the raspberry patch. I ducked behind a corner of the house and spied on her as she approached.

She came closer. Closer. Closer.

Then, she went past the house. And on down the street.

Whew. Safe again. So it went for days of agonized misery. And I never did find out if she told my parents. But I was miserable for a long time.

Nervous, Anxious, Worried People

I’ve listened to countless stories in the counseling office of people who create similar tensions for themselves because of their own actions. No one knows their secret. But they know.

And that’s enough.

As a child I learned two lines of a poem by the English poet, Matthew Arnold:

There is a secret in his breast

That will never let him rest.

Your secret may not be that you are having an affair or stealing from your employer. It may be as simple as sneaking into a raspberry patch.

Telegram in the Night

Many years ago, I was the dean of men in a small college. One night, I had to deliver a telegram to one of the students in the men’s dormitory. Another student was standing in the hall, so I greeted him and went on to deliver the message.

On my way out, the same student approached me and said, “I need to talk to you. Do you have a few minutes?”

As we walked down the sidewalk, he blurted out, “I have a confession to make. Every time I see you coming toward me I think you have found out what I have done. I’m tired of the suspense of hiding, and I want to confess.”

He had repeatedly broken a college rule that required students who had cars to have liability insurance if they transported other students. He had no such insurance. Often, he would load his car with fellow students and take off. They often joked about how easy it was to put one over on the dean.

They were right. I had no idea this was going on.

Can you picture this student? I’d often stop him on the sidewalk and make small talk.

“How are you? … How is your car working? … Good-bye.”

Occasionally, I’d see him sitting on a bench with his girlfriend (who often went riding with him), so I’d wander over to visit a few minutes with both of them.

“It was bad enough when you stopped me on the sidewalk, but when you actually engaged me in a conversation, I got all tensed up.”

This is what the student had lived with. Then, suddenly this evening, the door had opened and there, framed in the doorway and coming right at him, was the dean of men. He figured I was after him, but I walked right past without much more than a word.

“It shook me up when you came in,” he said. “I just can’t stand it anymore.”

You don’t break God’s laws without paying
the price of inner tension.

He was the author of his own misery because of his own behavior, and it was chipping away at his self-respect.

This student is not unusual. Most of the people I talk to have done what they wanted to do if they wanted to do it bad enough—rules or no rules, promises or no promises, standards or no standards, commitments or no commitments.

When we do so, we must live with whatever tension goes with it—sometimes much and sometimes little. You don’t break God’s laws (disobey authority) without paying the personal price of inner tension.

The Burning Cigar

Some years ago, I taught a college-age Sunday school class. There was one young man in the class who often said, “I am very devoted to the Lord. Because my body is the Lord’s, I want to take care of it. I don’t stay up late, I’m careful what I eat, I exercise regularly, don’t drink, smoke, or chase women.”

The entire class listened—and nodded. “Good for you,” we would say with admiration.

Then, one day at an airport many miles from home, as I was approaching the terminal, I thought I saw this model student standing in front of the building.

Guess what?

He had a cigar in his mouth, puffing away as happy as could be. He didn’t notice me. Since I knew him quite well, I walked up to chat with him. Then he saw me—and did a very strange thing.

He stuck that cigar—still smoking—in his pocket!

He wasn’t very happy to see me.

It was a pitiful, yet amusing, sight. As we talked, the smoke began curling up from his pocket. He was one miserable young man.

We had a brief conversation and then he was in a hurry to be off.

What was wrong? He was the architect of his own misery. His conduct didn’t fit his words.

Obeying the Rules

Have you ever been driving on a freeway and suddenly spotted a state trooper cruising behind you?

Why is he following me?

You glance at your speedometer.

 I’m only going 70.

Isn’t that a comfortable feeling? The relief of correct behavior.

Recently, I was riding in a friend’s car. We were in a hurry and couldn’t find a parking place, so he decided to take a chance on putting the car in a No Parking area.

Rarely have I done business so quickly. My friend was pressing me the entire time—and was very relieved to get back out on the street!

There are many signs that tell us what to do:

Please Wait     Visitors Only     No Parking     Quiet Please     Keep Off the Grass     Turn Left

There is no end to the rules to be obeyed. Play within the rules, and you’re comfortable. Do otherwise, and you’re uncomfortable. Consider what the Bible has to say:

Pay careful attention to your own work, for then you will get the satisfaction of a job well done, and you won’t need to compare yourself to anyone else. —Galatians 6:4

Want to have no fear of authority? Do what is good and you will have praise of the same … if you do what is evil, be afraid … for … an avenger … brings wrath upon the one who practices evil. —Romans 13:3–4, NASB

If you follow the instruction of God’s Word, you will find your self-respect growing, and you will find that your happiness is growing because you like yourself and the choices you are making.

Questions for Reflection/Discussion:

1. When you think about your own self-respect, which of the five key areas (behavior, speech, reactions, thoughts, and goals) most often trips you up?
2. What are some of your life principles? What are some of the principles from God’s Word that guide you?
3. What is one thing you have learned from this chapter that you can put into practice in your own life?

Memorize: Galatians 6:8–9

Those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit. So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.

We just discussed the importance of living with yourself. However, your behavior with and toward others is just as important in building self-respect. And I have discovered that our interactions with other people often reveal unexpected, self-centered behavior.

My Trip with a Good Friend

Several years ago, a mission organization executive for whom I had worked many years as a consultant invited me to take a tour with him. We were good friends. After a year of planning, we met in Switzerland to begin a journey that would take us around the world.

We met in the airport lobby and proceeded to the security screening area. Since I was the executive’s consultant and wanted to be “cooperative and agreeable,” it seemed reasonable to suggest that he go first.

“No, you go first,” he replied.

“No, you go first,” I insisted.

Finally, I reluctantly gave in and went through the metal detector first.

Our interactions with other people often reveal unexpected,
self-centered behavior.

When our flight was called, we gathered up our carry-on luggage and approached the entry to the jet bridge. As we were walking toward the entrance, I thought, So help me, he is going in first.

I said to him, “You go first.”
He came back with, “No, you go first.”
We were stymied at the doorway!
Finally, he gave in and entered first. I felt better.

We got inside the plane, and there were two seats. Even though we had seat assignments, the question still was, Who gets to sit by the window?

I wanted that seat and figured that if I offered it to him first, he would refuse and I could get it. Sure enough that’s what happened.

“Why don’t you take the window seat?” I said to him.
“No, you take the window seat,” he answered.
Pretending reluctance, I “gave in” and took it.

I’m sure the people around us were frustrated as they waited for us to play this game.

This gentleman and I were friends. There was respect, admiration, and good will between us. We liked each other. He had a Th.D. degree, and I had a Ph.D. degree. That’s a lot going for a relationship, isn’t it? How much education and friendship does it take for two men to get along smoothly? And yet, we had three problems before we even sat down on the plane.

We looked at each other sheepishly and agreed that we would surely have a hard time getting around the world.

What was the basic problem?

Both he and I had to face a simple truth. He wanted to run things his own way. I wanted to run things my way. In a word—selfishness. We fit the picture of human nature as described in Isaiah 53:6: “All of us, like sheep, have strayed away. We have left God’s paths to follow our own.” The reason I like this example so much is because often our selfishness begins in this very type of situation. It is a small thing. We are trying to be accommodating. And yet, we still want the outcome to be the way we want it.

He and I, individually, needed to repent of our self-centeredness, and be forgiven and cleansed—which we did. And then we needed to decide who was going to be the “leader” for this trip if we were to manage the multitude of daily decisions that were to come up on our trip.

So, we called ourselves together to have an election. But we faced the thorny problem of choosing a leader with only two people voting.

Which one of us would you pick to be the leader? In order to help you decide, let me give you some facts. He was the director of the mission. His people had planned our itinerary with him in mind. Most of them had never heard of me.

Now let me tell you what happens whenever I ask my audiences at a conference to choose one of us for a leader on the basis of the above facts.

The dialogue between me and the audience goes something like this:

“Let me ask you folks out there … how many of you would vote for me to be the leader?”

Not a single hand goes up.

“Let me ask that question again!”

There is hilarious laughter, but no one changes their vote. Everyone votes for the mission director.

I wouldn’t vote for me either. He is the obvious leader. And that is actually what the two of us decided.

I still had my Ph.D. My experience didn’t disappear. My reputation didn’t change. I didn’t “lose face” because he was now the leader. We had simply decided, among friends, which one of us would have the last word. We could now get to our common goal without a debate every time a little decision was needed.

We had no more problems on our trip, even though my opinion still differed with his at times. He made the final decisions, many times asking for my opinion. Our respect for one another grew. But we could have lost our friendship by the time the trip was over if we hadn’t made this important decision at the beginning.

There are two basic principles that guided our behavior with one another.

First, we were both committed to following the Bible as our guide for living. Second, we consciously acted on our commitment.

Here are two verses that gave us direction:

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. —Ephesians 5:21

All who fear the LORD will hate evil. Therefore, I hate pride and arrogance, corruption and perverse speech. —Proverbs 8:13

When you put these verses together, they simply mean that two men who “fear the Lord” are not two cringing, fearful people, but rather two individuals who want to clear away any evil, pride, or arrogance that is revealed between them and figure out a mutually agreeable way to get along.

Anna—A Family of Selfish Individuals

Anna’s family lives in an affluent neighborhood with beautiful evergreens, hedges, and private drives. Her family’s home includes a large yard with a swimming pool. In some ways, this lifestyle excites Anna and her mother. In other ways, it frustrates them, because all is not well in the midst of this luxury.

Anna’s dad is an insurance representative in four states and is away from home much of the time. He gives his wife a specified allowance each month, tells her exactly how to spend it, and checks up on her expenditures regularly.

Anna hears her mother and father argue on a regular basis. The issues are usually the same. Her mother nags her father about his long absences from home, the fact that he is not paying any attention to Anna, and his tight-fisted control over the money. With her father, it is always the same; her mother is spending too much money.

Recently, Anna and her mom were discussing Anna’s latest dilemma.

“Mom, I just have to get some new clothes. Let’s face it, kids at this school wear all the latest trends. I’ll never be accepted if I don’t wear what is in style. Just two weeks from tonight, Ashley is having a party, and I haven’t a thing …”

 “Anna, you know your father insists that I buy you too many clothes as it is.”

“Isn’t there something we can do, mom? I’ll just die if my friends don’t accept me. I just know I won’t be invited to another party unless …”

Anna began sobbing.

Anna’s mother usually yielded to her husband’s instructions, even if she inwardly resented them. This time she rebelled and made a decision she knew her husband would object to.

“Anna, don’t cry. I’ll try to cut down on something else so you can have some new clothes. I hope your father won’t notice. So be careful. If he finds out, there will be trouble.”

“Okay, mom. Don’t worry.”

Their plan worked. Before the party, Anna had some new clothes. As she was getting ready to go out, Anna thought of her father. Would he notice and question her?

She needn’t have worried. Anna’s father was much too preoccupied to notice her or her clothes.

One night, however, when Anna came home wearing a new outfit, her father did notice her and said, “You look very nice in that dress.”

“Thank you, dad,” she replied, as she felt herself beginning to blush. Nothing more was said.

In her room, Anna had some serious misgivings about the scheme she and her mother had concocted. Then, as she remembered the way the kids had been impressed with her new clothes, she said to herself, “Oh, well. I guess all’s fair in love and war—as long as you don’t get caught. It’s all dad’s fault anyway. If he’d give mom more money, she wouldn’t have to lie to him.”

A month of seeming serenity passed. Then, Anna’s mother’s world caved in. On a Friday, the school principal phoned, asking about Anna’s health.

“I’m so sorry Anna’s had the flu. I’ve received your note.”

When the conversation ended and the principal stopped talking and hung up, Anna’s mom was numb with disbelief. Tears filled her eyes. She sat down. She hadn’t written any note. Anna hadn’t been sick. Anna had been skipping school. But why? Why would she do such a thing? But Anna’s mother had not told the principal the truth.

Instead, she decided to do something else about it. She brought Anna to me.

Several counseling sessions followed with all the members of the family. There was ill-will, selfishness, and deception in the hearts of all of them.

Anna’s father was unreasonable. There was plenty of money available. And, as it turned out, his wife also had plenty of money to spend. Anna also had a lot of clothes.

How does this illustration relate to self-respect? Anna’s mother was chipping away at her self-respect by purchasing more clothes for Anna and entering into a conspiracy with her daughter to deceive her husband. However, she was devasted when she learned that her daughter was also deceiving her by skipping school. How could she deal with her daughter’s deception when she was deceiving her husband?

Anna’s mother justified her choices by telling herself she was being a considerate mother—exactly the opposite of her inconsiderate husband.

He was, indeed, an inconsiderate husband and a disinterested father. His world revolved around himself and his own interests. He did not really need to be away as often as he was. He justified his choices by telling himself that his business demanded the lifestyle he was providing for his family.

Anna was becoming a skilled manipulator, doing as she pleased, and she justified her choices by convincing herself that she was only doing what was necessary to be accepted by her friends because she was a neglected child.

This family would benefit greatly if they would embrace this biblical principle:

Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. —Philippians 2:3–4

I have listened to many similar stories and have found that we are capable of an endless variety of ways of deceiving ourselves. The Bible tells us:

The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is? But I, the LORD, search all hearts and examine secret motives. I give all people their due rewards, according to what their actions deserve. —Jeremiah 17:9–10

Knowing that our hearts are deceitful and knowing that God will search our hearts and test our minds, it is only logical to continuously evaluate our choices. But how? The psalmist gives a clue:

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life. —Psalm 139:23–24

You can know your heart if you allow the Lord to show you yourself reflected in his Word. On the basis of what you see, you can act on his instructions.

The prophet Isaiah said,

Seek the LORD while you can find him. Call on him now while he is near. Let the wicked change their ways and banish the very thought of doing wrong. Let them turn to the LORD that he may have mercy on them. Yes, turn to our God, for he will forgive generously. —Isaiah 55:6–7

The apostle John points the way to a happy life:

Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions. Our actions will show that we belong to the truth, so we will be confident when we stand before God. Even if we feel guilty, God is greater than our feelings, and he knows everything. Dear friends, if we don’t feel guilty, we can come to God with bold confidence. And we will receive from him whatever we ask because we obey him and do the things that please him. —1 John 3:18–22

Four Biblical Guidelines for Making Good Choices

When we study God’s Word, we find four helpful guidelines for making choices that will have a positive effect on our self-respect as well as on our overall sense of happiness and contentment.

1. Treat others as you would like to be treated.

Jesus said,

Do to others as you would like them to do to you. —Luke 6:31

This is what many of us know as the Golden Rule. It requires serious self-reflection rather than concentration on figuring out someone else.

How would you like you to be treated? Would you like others to make an effort to find out what makes you happy? Would you like others to defer to your wishes rather than theirs when there is a difference of opinion? Do you like being deceived or lied to? Would you rather serve or be served? Do you mind if people say one thing to you in your presence and then another when you aren’t there?

2. Be a leader.

The apostle Paul said,

Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me — everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you. —Philippians 4:9

A first reading of this verse may give the impression that it is an egotistical and impossible statement. But as we consider this statement in light of Paul’s life, we see that it is a word of encouragement. Imagine living your life in such a fashion that anyone who pays close attention to you finds the God of peace is with them because they follow what they learn, receive, hear, and see from you. They, like you, are making choices that are commendable, positive, and wholesome. Such a description of person is surely a firm foundation for building self-respect.

3. Thankfully make choices as though the Lord is physically beside you.

The apostle Paul wrote to the Colossians:

Let the message about Christ, in all its richness, fill your lives. Teach and counsel each other with all the wisdom he gives. Sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts. And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father. —Colossians 3:16–17

The presence of your boss, a policeman, stranger, or even a friend in your home is enough reason to pay careful attention to your behavior. Imagine how careful you would be if Jesus were physically with you. All of your choices would surely result in a thoughtful and thankful spirit.

4. Carry out your choices willingly and with a desire to please God.

The apostle Paul also wrote:

Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people. Remember that the Lord will give you an inheritance as your reward, and that the Master you are serving is Christ. —Colossians 3:23–24

There is nothing more frustrating than taking on a responsibility unwillingly. Sooner or later we are all faced with a task we would rather not do. There are chores, household responsibilities, errands, and duties at work, school, or church that we would all rather walk away from.

Have your ever considered how many nostrils and throats a physician examines in a day? Or how many mouths a dentist peers into in a day? There is no need to pity these people; this is a vocation they have chosen. If they have a healthy response to their work, they accept the routine along with the glory.

We do not have a choice for many of the duties we must perform. However, we do have a choice when it comes to asking God to give us a thankful attitude toward our tasks. How wonderful to enjoy what you are doing. Do it willingly. Take that task on as an act of worship! This is true whether your task is at a desk, in front of a computer, in a factory, behind a podium, or in the home.

The poet Henry Van Dyke aptly put this thought into words in his well-known poem, “Work”:

Let me but do my work from day to day,
In field or forest, at desk or loom,
In roaring market-place or tranquil room;
Let me but find it in my heart to say,
When vagrant wishes beckon me astray,
“This is my work; my blessing, not my doom;
Of all who live, I am the one by whom
This work can best be done in the right way.”
Then shall I see it not too great, nor small,
To suit my spirit and to prove my powers;
Then shall I cheerful greet the laboring hours,
And cheerful turn, when the long shadows fall
At eventide, to play and love and rest,
Because I know for me my work is best.

A. W. Tozer, expressed the same principle in his classic book, The Pursuit of God:

We must offer all of our acts to God and believe that He accepts them, then hold firmly to that position, and keep insisting that every act of every hour of every day and night be included … Let us practice the fine art of making every work a priestly ministration. Let us believe that God is in all of our simple deeds and learn to find Him there.

When we approach our responsibilities as an opportunity to bring honor to God, to please him, and to do it with an attitude of willingness and thankfulness will ultimately build our self-respect and our sense of happiness.

Paul reminds us:

Be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity. —1 Timothy 4:12

When our behavior falls short of biblical standards we ultimately will experience unrest, anxiety, worry, and tension. We pay a great price when we depart from truth, integrity, and honesty.

Questions for Reflection/Discussion:

1. Think for a moment about your interactions with others. What positive and negative character qualities do your interactions reveal about you?
2. There are a lot of scripture passages in this chapter. Which one most encourages you? Which one most challenges you?
3. Which of the four Biblical guidelines do you need to make a priority in your life? How can you begin immediately to live out that guideline in a more proactive way?

Memorize: Philippians 2:3–4

Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.

The use of words is the most common subject that comes up when people come to see me for counseling. With words, we compliment and praise one another. Our words can be comforting, helpful, supportive, and instructive, revealing all the good things that are on our mind. At the same time, words can cut, hurt, or tear someone up without leaving a mark. They can be used to deceive, mislead, or conceal what is on our mind. Words are helpful and hurtful. Words are a tool for communication, but they can also complicate situations as they get tangled up with our emotions.

In Proverbs 15 we read this about our words:

A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare. —v. 1

Gentle words are a tree of life; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit. —v. 4

The heart of the godly thinks carefully before speaking; the mouth of the wicked overflows with evil words. —v. 28

Many people have long ago forgotten the spankings received as a child but can recall vividly some of the tongue lashings and hostile criticisms received along the way. Married couples who seek counseling have forgotten the tender words exchanged among themselves when they were first married but can easily recall the stinging, sarcastic, critical, deceptive words flung carelessly at them by their spouse.

The Bible tells us,

Indeed, we all make many mistakes. For if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way. We can make a large horse go wherever we want by means of a small bit in its mouth. And a small rudder makes a huge ship turn wherever the pilot chooses to go, even though the winds are strong. In the same way, the tongue is a small thing that makes grand speeches.

But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire. And among all the parts of the body, the tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body. It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself.

People can tame all kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and fish, but no one can tame the tongue. It is restless and evil, full of deadly poison. Sometimes it praises our Lord and Father, and sometimes it curses those who have been made in the image of God. And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Surely, my brothers and sisters, this is not right! —James 3:2–10

It is clear that we either build up or chip away at our self-respect, and our happiness, by our choice of words.

Anger

Steve got out of bed in a good mood. He greeted his wife with a friendly hug and kiss. They had a pleasant breakfast together, and after a tender good-bye kiss, he headed for the garage whistling to himself.

He was pleased to be getting an early start, planning to get some deskwork out of the way before his busy day began. Everything changed when he put the car key in the ignition and glanced at the gas gauge. It was on empty.

“I told that stupid wife of mine to put gas in the car when she used it last night. And she didn’t do it!”

He was seething as he waited at the gas pump for the tank to be filled. Already, he was rehearsing what he would say to his wife that night.

It was a busy day and the gas tank episode was forgotten until he headed home. The closer he got to home the angrier he became.

He parked his car in the garage and slammed the car door as headed into the house. Normally he greeted his wife with a kiss, but today he brushed past her, mumbling a gruff, “Hello.”

“What’s wrong with you?” she asked.

“Nothing!”

“There must be something wrong,” she pressed. “Did you have a rough day at work?”

She had no idea what was going on underneath his skin, or she might have had second thoughts about pursuing the question.

Steve unloaded. “Yes, I had a rough day. I left early so that I could get some desk work done, only to find an empty gas tank. So instead of getting a head start, I spent my time sitting beside a gas pump. I told you to put gas in the car. Why don’t you listen to me? Why is that I can never depend on you? I’m fed up with your lack of consideration. All you think about is yourself.’

His wife burst into tears.

“Stop crying,” he shouted. “Do I have to put up with an emotional woman on top of your irresponsible behavior?”

Even as Steve said these last words, he was sorry he had started his outburst. But once he had started his tirade, he figured he might as well finish it.

If his employees had ever tried talking to him that way, he would have fired them. And he wouldn’t think of speaking to his friends the way he just addressed his wife.

By now, the children were listening. “You kids … go outside and play!” He brushed past them and kept on yelling.

By spewing out this torrent of words, Steve made a fool of himself and felt foolish about it. But the angry words were out. He was especially disturbed over his choice of words and the manner in which he had delivered them. This wasn’t the first time this had happened. He had ruined many an evening with his sharp tongue and then always had to figure out how to patch things up.

During dinner, the telephone rang. It was for Angela, the sixteen-year-old daughter in the family. On the other end of the line was a young man the family didn’t approve of. He was asking Angie to go to a party at the home of another friend Angie’s parents didn’t like. Both Steve and his wife had a pretty good idea of what the conversation was about. Angie accepted the invitation, hoping to talk her folks into letting her go. When she hung up, Angie took a breath and jumped into her plea to be allowed to go to the party.

“Can I please go to Elizabeth’s party this weekend?” she asked.

“You know the answer,” her mother replied.

“Please let me go. All the kids but me will be there. Dad, tell mom to let me go.”

“You heard your mother. You knew what we would say when you agreed to go.”

“Please … just this once?”

“The answer is no!” Steve shouted.

Angela was not to be intimidated. She launched into her own tirade. “You never let me do anything. I hate this place, and I hate you. When I get a little older, you will be sorry, because I’m going to clear out of here and do whatever I please. All you do is make life miserable for me. You must hate me to treat me like you do. None of my friends have to take the flack I take around here. You don’t care about me at all. I hate you.”

Wow! Quite an outburst for a teenager.

Her parents kept quiet and let her continue until she ran out of words.

Angela was feeling miserable before she finished. Actually, she didn’t disagree with her parents’ judgment. But, again and again, she would sass them, or tell off the whole family, or lash out at anyone who crossed her. She caused herself no end of trouble socially and often ended up disgusted with herself.

What is behind all of these angry, careless words? The people in this family are violating basic wisdom from the Bible:

Watch your tongue and keep your mouth shut, and you will stay out of trouble.
—Proverbs 21:23

Every one of these careless words is going to come back to haunt you. There will be a time of Reckoning. Words are powerful; take them seriously. Words can be your salvation. Words can also be your damnation. —Matthew 12:36–37, MSG

If you claim to be religious but don’t control your tongue, you are fooling yourself, and your religion is worthless. —James 1:26

Complaining

Three men who worked together shared a common dislike for their jobs. Every day during their lunch break, they would rehash the rude comments their boss had fired at them throughout the morning and discuss with one another how much they despised him.

Their boss was indeed a very difficult man to work for. I suppose everyone sooner or later faces the problem of what to do with a difficult person in their life. However, the Bible says:

Do everything without complaining and arguing, so that no one can criticize you. Live clean, innocent lives as children of God, shining like bright lights in a world full of crooked and perverse people. —Philippians 2:14–15

A worthless man digs up evil, while his words are like scorching fire. —Proverbs 16:28, NASB

Remind the believers … They must not slander anyone and must avoid quarreling. Instead, they should be gentle and show true humility to everyone. —Titus 3:1–2

These men were chipping away at their own self-respect by choosing to focus on the behavior of their boss and then rehashing his poor conduct.

Lying

The art of deception takes many forms and can easily muddle our relationships.

Jake’s Flattery

Jake was golfing with Greg, who was a par player. On the way to the course, Jake explained that he was just an occasional golfer and not very good. Greg offered to give Jake some tips as they went along. The offer was accepted. At first, Jake appreciated the help. Watch your head … you need a little more grass on that shot … raise your left shoulder … keep your eye on the ball … you should use a different club. But the instruction went on and on … until Jake was getting knots in his stomach.

All he really wanted was to knock the ball around the course.

“Want another tip?” Greg asked.

Instead of admitting that he was already confused and annoyed, Jake replied, “Sure I do. It’s not often I get to play with someone who can help my game. You are a good teacher.”

However, Jake’s deception and flattery needlessly put him in a position that spoiled his whole day.

Dylan’s Deception

The work director of the college summoned Dylan to tell him of a job opening. Before sending him to this assignment, however, the director wanted to clear up a report that Dylan had been disorderly on various occasions.

Dylan denied the report and was given the assignment.

A week later, he returned to the work director to admit that the report was actually true. He had been in torment for a week. Even if it meant losing the work opportunity, he wanted to set the record straight.

Julie’s Accommodation

Julie created an unnecessary situation for herself when she was visiting some friends who in turn took her to visit some of their friends. It came time for supper.

“We can go out to eat if you like,” said Mary, the hostess. “We have every kind of restaurant you can think of around here. Or, since I’ve made some vegetable soup today, we can stay home and eat that. It makes no difference to me what we do. Since Julie is our guest, and we don’t know what she has eaten today, let’s let her decide.”

That’s a tough spot for a guest. Julie answered with a question. “Does anyone have anything against staying here and eating soup?”

All four people said they’d just as soon stay home.

“Then that’s fine with me,” said Julie. “Let’s just stay here and eat soup.”

On the way home from the visit, Julie said to her friends, “Do you mind if we swing through a drive-through on the way home? I’m starving. I didn’t have any lunch today, and if you noticed, I didn’t eat much. I hate soup—especially vegetable soup.”

Her friends were surprised. “Julie, Mary asked you if you wanted something else. Did you think she didn’t mean it?”

“Well, I didn’t want to offend or inconvenience anyone,” Julie replied.

Instead of gaining admiration for her “sacrificial” choice, her friends wondered when they could believe her … and Julie had ended up with an unsatisfactory dinner.

Janelle’s Cover-Up

Janelle was referred to me by her physician because a reasonable prescription for anxiety was not helping her. She was reluctant to admit that anything might be bothering her, but she finally admitted to me that she had lent her car to a friend, who was involved in an accident with the car.

Knowing that her husband would be furious because she had loaned out the car, Janelle had decided to tell him she had been in the accident. To deceive her husband was simple enough, but she hadn’t anticipated the complications of this deception: coaching her friend on what to say, keeping her husband away from the repair shop, and slipping police reports past him. It became especially complicated when the repairs were done poorly and required two extra visits to the repair shop, which also involved interacting with the insurance agent again and again. The cover-up resulted in unbearable and unnecessary tensions for Janelle.

Biblical Advice

People in my office frequently rationalize their lying by believing that if they speak the truth, the other people will hate them, get angry, or have hurt feelings. It is a delusion to assume that the key to good friendship is lying and deceit.

On the other hand, many of my clients tell me how disappointed they are when they discover they have been deceived or lied to.

In the early 1800s, Sir Walter Scott wrote his second book, a historical romance, no less, and in it he wrote, “Oh, what a tangled web we weave … when first we practice to deceive!”

The Bible uses powerful words to instruct us in this area:

The LORD detests lying lips, but he delights in those who tell the truth.
— Proverbs 12:22

Keep your mouth free of perversity; keep corrupt talk far from your lips.
—Proverbs 4:24, NIV

A lying tongue hates its victims, and flattering words cause ruin.
—Proverbs 26:28

Gossip

In the New Testament we read these words: “The tongue is a small thing that makes grand speeches. But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire” —James 3:5.

“I left her …”

A simple little incident that happened to me has made that verse very meaningful. I was once speaking to a large group of people attending a family conference. During one of the breaks, someone came up to greet me. “Hi, Henry, I haven’t seen you in a long time. Is Eva (my wife) with you?”

“No,” I replied. “I left her …”

At that exact moment someone else interrupted our conversation. I turned to that person and never finished my sentence concerning my wife. Later that day, a friend’s wife approached me and said, “What’s this I hear about you and Eva? You’re separated?”

“Separated?” I was shocked. “Where did you hear that?”

“One of the women here told me she heard that you told someone that you’d left Eva.”

“No, we’re getting along just fine,” I replied, baffled.

“That’s strange,” she said. “I’ve actually heard it from several people.”

It took me a while to think over my conversations of the day. Then I recalled my brief encounter with the person who had asked if Eva was with me. When I said, “I left Eva …” and turned to respond to someone else, he concluded that I didn’t want to talk about it. He was troubled and disappointed that I would be speaking about family life when I was separated from my wife.

When he went to his hotel room, his wife was there. He said to her, “Did you know that Henry has left Eva?” His wife asked someone else about it, and so the rumor got started.

In reality, Eva and I were invited to go on a trip on a friend’s yacht. We were having a wonderful time enjoying the beauty and peacefulness of the Bahamas. It came time for me to go to this conference which was being held in San Francisco. Our friends urged Eva to stay in the Bahamas with them. I would have liked to stay myself, but we agreed that Eva would stay. When this man asked me if Eva was with me, my reply was interrupted. All he heard was, “I left her …” I never got to finish my sentence: “… on a yacht in the Bahamas.”

The next time I took the platform to speak, I told the entire group of conference attendees about the incident as an example of how communication can get fouled up. Apparently, some people didn’t believe me. A year later, in Portland, a minister very gingerly brought up the subject. “Did you leave your wife?” he asked.

Three years later, an associate of mine reported that he was still hearing about this incident. One of his secretaries had asked him, “How can you be so supportive of Dr. Brandt’s family ministry when he and his wife are separated?”

But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire.

The Dean Behind the Dormitory

Many years ago, a friend of mine, the dean of a small college, was called into a board meeting to answer charges that at night he was seen prowling around the windows of one of the women’s dormitories. He was told that there were a dozen witnesses who had reported his behavior. Unfortunately, there was not just one incident. The reports indicated that he had been seen there regularly.

The dean was flabbergasted. He insisted that there was no truth to the reports. But how could a dozen eyewitnesses be wrong?

Then it dawned on him. The garage that housed the school cars was located behind the women’s dormitory. This dean frequently went out at night to speak at various meetings and often arrived back on campus late at night. He used a school car for transportation. This was in the days before a car for such transportation became part of a person’s compensation package. When the board investigated, they found out that his facts were true.

What had happened is, one night, after he had put the car in the garage, a student was looking out her window and saw the dean walking behind the dormitory. She was amazed and told her roommate that she saw the dean window peeping. They told some other students, who, in turn, kept an eye on the back of the dorm to see if it happened again. Sure enough, they spotted him behind the dormitory week after week. As you can well imagine, this news spread rapidly throughout the campus and in letters back home to parents.

The students had not seen the dean looking into their windows but had assumed that because he was behind the dorm, that surely was the only reason he could be there.

A Trail of Destruction

We tend to be shocked when we learn that someone has stolen something or committed adultery, but we fail to realize how much destruction can occur through gossip.

The prophet Jeremiah observed,

What else can I do with my people?
For their tongues shoot lies like poisoned arrows.
They speak friendly words to their neighbors
while scheming in their heart to kill them. —Jeremiah 9:7–8

Our words ultimately reveal what is in our hearts. Your own sense of self-respect depends in part on your knowledge of how you manage your own words. We must ask God’s forgiveness for the negative ways in which we use our words, repenting of our sin, and asking for the Holy Spirit’s power to use our words in ways that build up others.

Wisdom

I have just described four ways in which we often use our words in a negative way. However, there are also many ways that we can use our words in a positive way, and nearly all of them involve wisdom on our part.

How we use our words not only affects others, it also builds up or
chips away our own sense of self-respect.

King Solomon, most known for his wisdom has a great deal to say about the use of our words.

The words of the godly are like sterling silver. —Proverbs 10:20

A gentle answer deflects anger. —Proverbs 15:1

Gentle words are a tree of life. —Proverbs 15:4

Everyone enjoys a fitting reply; it is wonderful to say the right thing at the right time!
—Proverbs 15:23

The king is pleased with words from righteous lips; he loves those who speak honestly.
—Proverbs 16:13

Kind words are like honey—sweet to the soul and healthy for the body. —Proverbs 16:24

Like apples of gold in settings of silver is a word spoken in right circumstances.
—Proverbs 25:11, NASB

Words from the mouth of the wise are gracious. —Ecclesiastes 10:12, NIV

Are your words “like sterling silver”? Are they gentle, fitting, righteous, honest, sweet to the soul, “spoken in right circumstances,” and gracious? How we use our words not only affects others, it also builds up or chips away our own sense of self-respect.

The interaction of Joseph with his brothers is an example to us of one way words can help or hinder our relationships. His brothers, who despised him and had determined to get rid of him, sold him into slavery. Joseph, however, after many trials and difficulties, achieved a place in Egypt second only to the king. When a time of famine came, Joseph was given charge of distributing food. His brothers had to go to Egypt to get food and were aghast when they discovered who Joseph was. After reconciling, all of Joseph’s family came to live in Egypt. But when their father died, the brothers were terrified that Joseph might finally seek revenge upon them. They decided to send Joseph a message, begging for mercy. Here is how the Bible describes what happened.

So Jacob’s sons did as he had commanded them. They carried his body to the land of Canaan and buried him in the cave in the field of Machpelah.… After burying Jacob, Joseph returned to Egypt with his brothers and all who had accompanied him to his father’s burial. But now that their father was dead, Joseph’s brothers became fearful. “Now Joseph will show his anger and pay us back for all the wrong we did to him,” they said.

So they sent this message to Joseph: “Before your father died, he instructed us to say to you: ‘Please forgive your brothers for the great wrong they did to you—for their sin in treating you so cruelly.’ So we, the servants of the God of your father, beg you to forgive our sin.” When Joseph received the message, he broke down and wept. Then his brothers came and threw themselves down before Joseph. “Look, we are your slaves!” they said.

But Joseph replied, “Don’t be afraid of me. Am I God, that I can punish you? You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people. No, don’t be afraid. I will continue to take care of you and your children.” So he reassured them by speaking kindly to them. —Genesis 50:12–21

Joseph used reassuring and kind words backed by godly behavior. His words and actions were based on his faith in God, not on the behavior or his brothers. This showed Joseph’s true character and also preserved his relationship with his family.

Kindness

I once shared this story at a conference with a group of mothers.

Ashley accidentally spilled her milk. She looked anxiously up at her mother, who quietly said, “You put your glass too close to your elbow, didn’t you?”

You could see the relief on Ashley’s face. The mother’s soft rebuke provided the necessary redirection without lashing out at her child. Her words taught the child how to avoid repetition of the incident without wreaking havoc on her self-esteem.

Later that evening, Ashley did not want to go to bed. Quietly, but firmly, the mother said, “It’s time for bed!”

Ashley began to whine, and so the mother took her firmly by the hand and directed her toward the bedroom. Ashley stiffened, and then gave up as her mother continued, “You need a good night’s sleep.”

This mother set the tone in this family by her soft answers that sprang from a kind heart and were backed by appropriate action.

A woman in the audience came to speak with me after the session. She told me she was in the habit of giving her children tongue lashings over spilled milk. She said that as I shared this illustration, on the spot, she had breathed a prayer of repentance and asked God to teach her to speak lovingly and quietly.

She later sent me a note telling me that when she returned home, that same night, her child had spilled some juice. To her surprise, she had said quietly, “Next time, keep the glass away from your elbow.”

Such conversation is necessary if we are to have healthy and happy relationships with the members of our families.

Discipline and Encouragement

The use of our words in a kind way does not imply a pathetic, spineless person who has no opinions or takes no action. We are surrounded by our responsibility for family members, friends, fellow Christians, and those we work with. Frequently, we must deal with the poor choices of other people. The Bible provides us with instruction on how to be effective in doing this!

In the book of Revelation, God said,

I correct and discipline everyone I love. —Revelation 3:19

Jesus, when instructing his disciples, said,

So watch yourselves! If another believer sins, rebuke that person; then if there is repentance, forgive. Even if that person wrongs you seven times a day and each time turns again and asks forgiveness, you must forgive. —Luke 17:3–4

In his second letter to Timothy, Paul instructed him,

Preach the word of God. Be prepared, whether the time is favorable or not. Patiently correct, rebuke, and encourage your people with good teaching. —2 Timothy 4:2

Again, Paul instructed Timothy,

Never speak harshly to an older man, but appeal to him respectfully as you would to your own father. Talk to younger men as you would to your own brothers. Treat older women as you would your mother, and treat younger women with all purity as you would your own sisters.—1 Timothy 5:1–2

To the Ephesians, Paul wrote,

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
—Ephesians. 4:29, NIV

In the book of Hebrews, we read,

Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another.
—Hebrews10:23–24

Recently, a friend was having a conversation with a man who was very angry over the poor service he received while getting his car repaired. As my friend listened to this man ranting over his poor service, the Holy Spirit prompted him to encourage the angry man to love the mechanics who had worked on his car. Surely this man would be better off if he could get rid of that anger. But, this is the very type of confrontation most of us avoid!

However, my friend decided he to lovingly confront the who was so angry. “It’s a pity to let those mechanics spoil your day. They aren’t even here, yet their poor performance is bothering you. Your anger surely isn’t affecting them any. They on the other side of town. You know, Jesus once said, “Love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike. If you love only those who love you, what reward is there for that?” (Matthew 5:44–46). Sure, you got a bad deal. But why don’t you just forgive him, and ask God to give you love for him? It would change your whole day.”

This man surprised my friend by saying, “You’re right. I’ll do it. How stupid of me to allow this to ruin my day.”

To encourage, reprove, rebuke, exhort, and instruct one another
is to help one another.

Instead of an angry response, the man appreciated the encouragement from my friend.

Here’s another example. I was the speaker at a church conference and seated beside the pastor for the meal preceding the program. It was a family-style banquet so everyone helped themselves. I noted the huge quantity of food he had heaped on his plate. It amazed me to see him take a second helping as large as his first. He noticed I was aware of what he was doing and leaned over toward me and said, “I’m a compulsive eater.”

In my mind, I was wondering how to reply in a gracious way, and after a moment I said, “There is a better way to describe it,” I said. “The Bible calls it gluttony.”

Well, obviously my words shocked him.

A year later, I was invited to speak in the same church at the same conference. To my surprise, the pastor had slimmed down considerably. His wife told me that my words had challenged him. He had even looked up the word “gluttony” in the Greek. He decided that his eating habits were a stumbling block to his people and were not pleasing to God. However, he surprised me by saying, “You are heavier than you were a year ago.”

“Yes,” I explained, “speaking at so many banquets, luncheons, and breakfasts makes it difficult to watch what you eat.”

“There is a better to describe it,” he replied gleefully. “It’s called gluttony.”

He gave my little words of exhortation right back to me! We have since become good friends. We encourage each other. It’s a good relationship.

To encourage, reprove, rebuke, exhort, and instruct one another is to help one another. It’s a rewarding experience to decide to be a positive influence with your words. In writing to Timothy, Paul said, “Hold on to the pattern of wholesome teaching you learned from me—a pattern shaped by the faith and love that you have in Christ Jesus” (2 Timothy 1:13).

Personal Responsibility

When we use our words in a godly way, we not only honor God, we also can know that we have done our part in helping to maintain positive relationships. In the Psalms, King David provides us with good guidelines for taking responsibility for ourselves and the use of our words.

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer. —Psalm 19:14

Take control of what I say, O LORD, and guard my lips. — Psalm 141:3

Keep your tongue from speaking evil and your lips from telling lies! Turn away from evil and do good. Search for peace, and work to maintain it. —Psalm 34:13–14

Power from the Holy Spirit will allow us to not only carefully reflect upon how we use our words but also enable us to use our words in a way in which God will use them to help others.

Guidelines for Restoring Your Relationships

We’ve all found ourselves embroiled in relationships that need mending. I’ve found these two biblical guidelines to be extremely helpful when trying to restore a relationship.

1. When you are aware that someone has something against you, it’s your move.

Jesus said,

So if you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God.
— Matthew 5:23–24

2. When you have something against someone else, it’s your move.

Jesus also said,

If a fellow believer hurts you, go and tell him—work it out between the two of you. If he listens, you’ve made a friend. If he won’t listen, take one or two others along so that the presence of witnesses will keep things honest, and try again. If he still won’t listen, tell the church. If he won’t listen to the church, you’ll have to start over from scratch, confront him with the need for repentance, and offer again God’s forgiving love.
—Matthew 18:15–17, MSG

What is Jesus saying? Simply that whether you have something against someone, or someone has something against you, either way it’s your responsibility to go to that person and attempt a reconciliation, even if it means extra effort on your part.

The apostle Paul said,

Speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church. —Ephesians 4:15

The goal, then, is not only reconciliation, but also helping each other grow up. You cannot approach the other person with hostility in your heart. You must approach reconciliation with truth and love and a desire to be Christlike.

Your only hope is to turn to God for help. What he will do for you is described by the prophet Isaiah,

The Sovereign Lord has given me his words of wisdom,
so that I know how to comfort the weary.
Morning by morning he wakens me
and opens my understanding to his will.
The Sovereign Lord has spoken to me,
and I have listened.
I have not rebelled or turned away.
—Isaiah 50:4–5

Questions for Reflection/Discussion:

1. In what ways do you use your words in a negative way? What can you do to begin to change the way in which you use your negative words?
2. In which situations in your life do you consistently honor God by using your words in a Christlike way? What difference does this make in your life?
3. Is there a relationship in your life that you need to restore? What steps will you take to make it happen?

Memorize: Psalm 19:14

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.

A friend of mine was the supervisor of summer volunteers for a mission organization. He shared this story with me that illustrates that how we respond to our life situations really does make all the difference in the world.

He assigned two couples to different areas of an island populated with disadvantaged people. Each couple was to establish a recreational program for the children and a Bible study program for the adults.

When my friend visited the island two weeks later to see how the work was progressing, he found the first couple disgusted, sullen, and depressed.

“We hate this place,” they said. “The children are wild and unmanageable, and they have lice in their hair. The adults are unfriendly. They come to our meetings an hour late or not at all. If they do show up, most of them sleep through the meeting. We hate the taste of the water and can’t stand living in this dump. We want out.”

Then the supervisor visited the second couple. When they opened the door, he was greeted warmly by two people whose faces were covered with soot.

“Come on in,” they said. “Our oil stove just exploded. A few minutes ago, everything was clean, and then … BANG! Just look at this mess. Come on in, you can help us clean it up,” they laughed.

As they worked on the cleanup, this couple described to their supervisor their experience with the island people. “We found out that when we tried to teach these people about love and responsibility and cleanliness, they didn’t know what we were talking about. The kids are wild, and the adults won’t cooperate, so we got mad at them. We stayed away from them for a few days and tried to justify our own nasty attitudes. Then, it dawned on us that we weren’t loving and responsible either—just clean. We remembered some verses about Jesus:

He came to his own people, and even they rejected him. —John 1:11

God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.—Romans 5:8

“We thanked God for showing us that we were not treating this people as Jesus would. We asked God to forgive us and give us a loving spirit. He did, and what a change. Now, we love it here. The kids still don’t participate in our program, and the adults ignore our Bible studies, but we keep at it and we love it here. It is a huge challenge, but God is filling our hearts with his love.”

Then the husband said, “Hey, do you want to go fishing? A week ago, I spotted some men getting into a boat, so I jumped in and asked to go along. They didn’t like it, but before the day was over, at least they weren’t ignoring me. Now, they even invite me to go along. They’ve taught me how to filet the fish and have showed me where the fishing holes are.”

It’s remarkable how differently people can respond to the same set of circumstances. Two couples, living in the same place with the same people, with sharply contrasting responses and attitudes.

Reactions

Your reactions come from what I like to refer to as your inner life. And the management of your inner life is, to me, the most important subject in this book because it directly influences your happiness. Every day you will either reveal or conceal your feelings, emotions, attitudes, intentions, and thoughts stimulated by the people and events in your life. And whether you reveal or conceal them, they are still there, coming from within you.

You can’t control what other people do around you. Neither can you control all the events of your day. However, you can control your reactions to the people and events around you. How you respond will either build up or chip away at your self-respect, depending on how you manage what goes on underneath your skin.

The management of your inner life directly influences
your happiness.

When psychologists write about the inner life, they often refer to pleasant and unpleasant feelings, or positive and negative emotions. There are two kinds of pleasant feelings and emotions.

The first type of pleasant feeling is a response to something highly pleasurable and satisfying, whether it be people or circumstances. We describe ourselves as excited, elated, thrilled, ecstatic, or exhilarated. This is a high state of emotional engagement. We experience bodily changes such as a pounding heart, increase in respiration rate, and/or muscle tension. Such responses can be experienced at an athletic event, a suspense movie, a concert, when anticipating some event, on the arrival of a special friend or relative, in the presence of someone special, or while participating in something challenging.

It takes a lot of energy to sustain emotion on this level and there comes a point when the excitement, pleasant as it is, must cease, or it becomes unpleasant.

The second type of positive emotion comes from an inner life that is calm, still, and quiet. Our muscles are relaxed and our heartbeat is normal. There is freedom from nervousness. We are experiencing peace.

Feeling happy today is not a sure test of whether your feelings and emotions are resting on a firm foundation. One can experience elation, pleasure, and joy over successfully cheating, stealing, lying, deceiving, having an affair, breaking the law, going through an ill-advised divorce, and treating others with cruelty and selfishness. In the long run, our good feelings must be based squarely on God’s Word or they will turn to ashes.

Negative Feelings and Emotions

When we experience unpleasant feelings and negative emotions we are often filled with tension, restlessness, anxiety, and frustration. Sometimes we experience physical symptoms such as tense muscles, a pounding heart, faulty digestion, and/or nervousness. All of this describes an inner condition that can be summed up in one word: misery.

The pace of modern-day living is unprecedented. We experience crisis upon crisis with unpredictable changes in people and circumstances. A common response to this pace is misery, a tension that invades the soul and even the nervous system. We can’t endure misery for very long. Something must be done about it. Peace must be restored.

There is general agreement among physicians, psychiatrists, psychologists, and ministers regarding the destructive behaviors that result from living life in absence of peace.

Dr. O. Spurgeon English, one of the first psychotherapists to write about the connections between mental and physical health was a practicing psychiatrist when he was appointed a professor of clinical psychiatry at Temple University. With Edward Weiss, who was also an M.D., he co-authored the book Psychosomatic Medicine, the first medical text to make the connection between stress and physical ailments, a book that is still available in hard cover copy. Later, he led a Temple Hospital department created to treat people suffering from depression or stress-induced illnesses. One of his colleagues described him as “one of the great American psychiatrists of the 20th century.” He frequently spoke out about the role of emotions in mental and physical health. His research was so foundational that it is still relative today.

Dr. English said there are certain emotional centers in the brain linked to the entire body through the autonomic nervous system. He described charges of emotions that are relays from the brain down the spinal cord and through the autonomic nerves to the blood vessels, muscle tissues, mucous membranes, and skin. He points out that under emotional stress all parts of the body can be subjected to physical discomfort.

You may be thinking, How can my thoughts and feelings cause pain in my body?

Dr. English explains that an emotion such as fear can cause the mouth to become dry. This means that the blood vessels have constricted and the blood supply and glandular activity have been reduced. This dryness will occur, for example, in someone who must make a speech and is afraid. Laboratory tests show that under stress of emotion the same decrease in glandular activity occurs in the mucous membrane and various parts of the digestive tract. Not only does the blood supply change markedly, but secretions of various types increase or decrease in an abnormal manner. Changes in muscle tone in the digestive region can occur, causing painful cramps.

It has also been proven that emotional stress will increase the size of the blood vessels in the head and this can produce pain because of the stretching of the tissues around the blood vessels and their pressure on the nerve endings.

Dr. English noted,

For decades, it has been known that a personality problem which cannot be solved by the mind itself is prone to be ‘turned over’ or ‘taken up’ by some other part of the body. When an irritating friend or a troublesome family member cannot be coped with, the patient becomes ‘sick,’ he can’t ‘stomach’ it. The physician knows that the cause of these gastrointestinal disturbances is emotional conflict. He knows it is the attitudes of generosity and responsibility struggling with an opposing wish to escape them.

Physician S.I. McMillen, a medical missionary to Africa, once said, “The moment I start hating a man, I become his slave. I can’t enjoy my work anymore because he controls my thoughts.”

Our negative feelings and emotions cause tension, anxiety, and frustration, and often misery. Here is a short list of some of them:

                           hatred                                          self-centeredness

                           resentment                                  ambition

                           anger                                            envy

                           frustration                                   jealousy

                           conceit                                         sorrow

                           shame                                          fear

These feelings and emotions are actually violations of God’s commandments and therefore, when they exist within in us, they chip away at our self-respect and ultimate happiness. Read these Bible verses carefully:

Don’t worry about the wicked or envy those who do wrong. —Psalm 37:1

Stop being angry! Turn from your rage! Do not lose your temper—it only leads to harm.
—Psalm 37:8

A peaceful heart leads to a healthy body; jealousy is like cancer in the bones.
—Proverbs 14:30

Control your temper, for anger labels you a fool. —Ecclesiastes 7:9

Let us not become conceited, or provoke one another, or be jealous of one another.
—Galatians 5:26

For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind. —James 3:16

Matt and Sara

Matt and Sara went on a skiing vacation. They arrived at their destination and when they checked in at their hotel were pleasantly surprised to find that they were able to change their reservation from a more expensive room to one that was cheaper. They had a terrific week with evenings spent around the fireplace after a day of skiing.

After their glorious week of skiing they went down to check out of the hotel—only to discover they had to pay the more expensive rate for their room. They argued, but the management stood firm. “You reserved a room at the expensive rate, so we’re charging you that rate whether you stayed in that room or not.”

Matt bitterly paid the more expensive rate and went muttering to the car. As they drove home, he fumed and fussed. Their entire week was ruined. Suddenly, neither he or Sara could find one positive thing to focus on about the whole week in spite of the fact it had been a perfect vacation until checkout time.

What had really ruined their wonderful week of skiing? The decision of the management? No. It was the couple’s reaction to the hotel’s business decision. They were filled with hateful, angry, bitter emotions that wiped out a beautiful experience.

Joe

Joe came to see me because his marriage had collapsed and he had lost his job. He was depressed and disillusioned.

It wasn’t like this a few years back. Joe, from a small town, had been recruited by a major university to play football. He didn’t expect to see a lot of play time but he loved the game. Then the regular fullback broke his ankle and Joe was picked at random to run some plays. To everyone’s surprise, he became the starter.

What followed were three years of weekly headlines, interviews, the roar of the crowd, and autograph seekers. He was allowed to choose easy courses, and his teachers gave him good grades for very little work.

Joe loved every minute of it. He was completely and happily taken up with the attention and popularity that was his, and before his senior year he married one of the cheerleaders.

After graduation, at age twenty-three, Joe was sobered to realize he was unprepared for any kind of work. His reputation as a football player got him into an executive training program, but he quickly dropped out for lack of basic knowledge. All he knew was football. When he was stripped of the glamour of being a star player, all he had left was a big body going soft.

Without any knowledge or skills, and a mismatched marriage, Joe suddenly had to face the fact that he had been on a glamorous road that had led to a dead end. Now, his life was empty. Three happy years of incredible popularity had turned to ashes, and he was miserable, bitter, and frustrated.

Ryan and Katie

Ryan and Katie met in college and soon after graduation they married. Ryan provided his family with a beautiful home and plenty of money while Katie had the privilege of staying home and volunteering for the kids’ activities and in the community. However, Ryan was constantly irritated with his children.

For instance, one evening, while the family was having a delicious dinner, one of the children refused to eat the peas on his plate. Ryan was determined that the child eat them. The child flatly refused, so his father threatened a punishment.

 Katie told him to stop pushing. Angrily, he continued to press the issue, finally taking away the child’s privileges for a week. Katie started a heated argument with him.

Finally, Ryan stormed out of the room, and the two of them ended up not speaking to each other for a week.

You would think that two college graduates could resolve such a simple issue. Ryan had no problem with Katie or his children when they did what he asked. And Katie was always agreeable as long as she got her own way.

When they came for counseling they both agreed that hostility and stubbornness over simple matters turned their lovely home into a battleground.

We often respond to the simple, normal details of life with emotions that are as intense as if we were facing a major crisis.

Experiencing Peace

Jesus once said to his disciples, “I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid” (John 14:27).

            There are two kinds of peace:

            1) the kind this world gives, and

            2) the kind Jesus gives.

This World’s Peace

Jesus said that in this world we can find peace, but he made it clear that it’s not his peace. In this world we can find release from our negative feelings and emotions in a variety of ways that initially do help us feel more peaceful.

Exercise: There are many recreational programs and activities available in many communities. Choose something you enjoy. Better yet, choose someone you enjoy being with to do it with you. Exercise is a proven way to release the stress in your life and help you feel more positive about your life situations.

Relaxation and Massage: There are many study courses offered by high schools, colleges, and professionals that teach us how to relax our muscles from head to toe. Therapeutic massage by a reputable, trained therapist also helps many people to experience relief from their anxiety and tension.

Quiet Activity: We can relax by reading, watching television, or listening to music. There are hundreds of table games available and an endless variety of hobbies.

Busyness: There is actually a kind of peace and joy that we experience as we volunteer, use our skills, meet people, attend meetings, travel, participate in civic or church work, or even pursue additional education.

Change: We can remove ourselves from certain people, change jobs, move to another location, or decide to no longer complete disagreeable tasks. There is private therapy and group therapy available that enables us to explore the mind and emotions. We can change our philosophy, our standards, and morals. Many people seek peace by living it up, asserting their independence, doing their own thing, or discovering themselves. This can be a dangerous path.

Chemicals: Unfortunately, we have become a pill-popping society. We can have prescribed to us a multitude of uppers and downers. Many people are actually addicted to hard drugs. A major source for calming us down is the use of alcohol. Although chemicals provide an avenue for experiencing peace, they must be used very carefully.

King Solomon, who is described in the Bible as the wisest and richest of men, wrote of his efforts to taste of everything life has to offer. He had inherited his kingdom and his wealth from his father, King David. He sampled wisdom, pleasure, wine, and folly. He built houses, vineyards, orchards, and gardens. He had wives and concubines, servants, and children. The book of Ecclesiastes contains twelve chapters describing his quest. He concluded:

But as I looked at everything I had worked so hard to accomplish, it was all so meaningless—like chasing the wind. There was nothing really worthwhile anywhere.
—Ecclesiastes 2:11

The activities and strategies available to us can help relieve the effects of unpleasant feelings and negative emotions but can’t remove them. Multitudes of retired people will testify to that. And although the world offers positive ways for us to find relief from our tension, the peace we experience is still only temporary. Sooner or later, all our efforts to find peace from this world turn to ashes. When we are trapped by circumstances and people, or when we take time to carefully reflect on our lives, the restlessness, anxiety, and frustration return.

Jesus’ Peace

There is a deeper kind of peace than the kind that simply relieves our body and mind. It comes when you yield yourself to God and let his peace invade your soul. Jesus said,

“I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me.”
—John 14:6

“Look! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends.” —Revelation 3:20

“Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” —Matthew 11:28–29

“I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow!” —John 15:11

“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”—John 16:33

The apostle Paul also points us to God’s peace:

I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. —Romans 15:13

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. —Philippians 4:6–7

We ask God to give you complete knowledge of his will and to give you spiritual wisdom and understanding. Then the way you live will always honor and please the Lord, and your lives will produce every kind of good fruit. All the while, you will grow as you learn to know God better and better. We also pray that you will be strengthened with all his glorious power so you will have all the endurance and patience you need. May you be filled with joy, always thanking the Father.—Colossians 1:9–12

The Old Testament reminds us:

Be still, and know that I am God! —Psalm 46:10

In order to experience this kind of peace we must begin a relationship with God through Jesus Christ. We must be “born again.” We must be born into the family of God.

There was a man named Nicodemus, a ruler of the Jews. This man came to Jesus one night and the two of them had the following conversation:

“Rabbi,” [Nicodemus] said, “we all know that God has sent you to teach us. Your miraculous signs are evidence that God is with you.”

Jesus replied, “I tell you the truth, unless you are born again, you cannot see the Kingdom of God.”

“What do you mean?” exclaimed Nicodemus. “How can an old man go back into his mother’s womb and be born again?”

Jesus replied, “I assure you, no one can enter the Kingdom of God without being born of water and the Spirit. Humans can reproduce only human life, but the Holy Spirit gives birth to spiritual life.” —John 3:2–6

Later in that same chapter of the Bible, Jesus said,

“For this is how God loved the world: He gavehis one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him.” —John 3:16–17

Many people stumble over the simplicity of this simple step. You are “born again,” or saved from your sin, when you believe in Jesus and ask him into your life. You have either taken this step or you have not.

 Recently, I proposed this step to one of my clients. He became extremely irritated.

“Don’t tell me God will help me,” he said. “I’ve asked God for help many times, and it doesn’t work.”

“When did you ask him to come into your life?” I asked.

“I’ve been a Christian all my life,” he said. “I grew up in church.”

I persisted. “When did you ask him to come into your life?”

 “I can’t remember,” he said.

This man was not answering my question. I asked if he remembered when he purchased his last car. That he could remember. He also admitted, when I asked, that he purchased the car by a specific action. He didn’t purchase it by simply thinking about it … or about its construction … or by considering all the standard equipment and special features of the car. Only when he agreed to the deal did he purchase the car. He definitely remembered that.

He also remembered exactly when he got married, when he purchased airplane tickets for his last flight, when he accepted his present job. All of these events had required specific action on his part.

Jesus is the way to God’s peace.

You are born again only when you ask Jesus to invade your life. Otherwise, it’s no deal. You must take this important step at some point in your life. Jesus is the way to God’s peace. To let him into your life gives you access to God’s resources of peace, joy, hope, and patience.

It is only when you take this step that you can put everything and everyone into his hands. You can stop striving and let his peace guard your heart, mind, and body.

Finding Peace in the Midst of Your Struggle

It does not follow that just because you have access to God’s peace that you will give him your troubles, conflicts, injustices, hate, hostility, and frustration. You can, but you can also nurture them within your mind.

Let me share with you a struggle that I went through even though Jesus was in my life.

During World War II, I was an engineer for a company responsible for designing some of the tools necessary for the production of vital airplane engines. We were under great pressure to get our work done and have it done right. There was a good deal of bickering and jealousy between all of us in my department.

My boss was a mean, tobacco-chewing, self-made individual who had worked himself up from the production line to chief engineer. There was a large window in the wall of his office facing the production floor, so that he could keep an eye on what was going on. We could also see him.

Inside his office was an odd arrangement. Beside his desk was a piece of rubber matting three feet in diameter. In the center of the mat sat a highly polished brass spittoon. I realize, of course, that this type of thing would never be permitted in a work environment today, but this was in the 1940s.

Frequently, we engineers would see the boss loading his jaw with tobacco. When he finished, his jaw looked like he had an apple in his cheek. When he started to chew, we all braced ourselves because we knew someone was in trouble. He would spit in the general direction of the spittoon (he seldom hit it) and shout someone’s name with all the ferocity of an Indian war cry:

“Brandt! Brraaaannnnnnddddddtt!”

I instantly became furious. One word from him and I was fighting mad. I hated him … and his messy, ugly spittoon. Of course, you don’t tell the boss off and so I developed the art of entering his office with a friendly smile on my face and talking to him in a cordial manner while hatefully seething within and contemplating punching him out.

Well, nobody can keep up an act like that twenty-four hours every day, so I when I got home from work I would take out my frustration on my wife and child at home.

“Turn down that music!” I shouted at my wife. I’d yell at our three-year-old for playing with his toys. I’d always be ashamed of myself and determine again and again not to talk and act like that. But it kept happening.

There were some very tense evenings in our home created by my negative feelings and emotions. I eventually dreaded going home because of the scene I might create there.

My conduct around my boss and family is clearly described in the Bible:

His words are as smooth as butter, but in his heart is war. His words are as soothing as lotion, but underneath are daggers! —Psalm 55:21

Laughter can conceal a heavy heart, but when the laughter ends, the grief remains.
—Proverbs 14:13

Short-tempered people do foolish things, and schemers are hated.—Proverbs 14:17

At the time, I had no knowledge of the Bible, so these verses were unknown to me. However, with my stomach in knots and my body in a constant state of tension, I had to do something. My choice was to seek a solution out of the Bible. My search led me to some disturbing verses. For example:

Don’t sin by letting anger control you. Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil. —Ephesians 4:26

Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. —Ephesians 4:31

What’s wrong with being angry and bitter and malicious toward my boss? I argued with myself. And, how can I turn off my anger at sundown? Besides, if he didn’t yell, and if my wife were more understanding of my stress at work, and if our child would behave, I wouldn’t be angry in the first place.

These verses struck me as unrealistic and unreasonable, and actually became the source of more tension. However, another verse was even more disturbing:

Be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. —Ephesians 4:32

I had no intention of being kind to my boss, or tenderhearted to my wife when she was indifferent to my problems. After all, I felt I was entitled to my grudges. But my misery continued. My whole body was tense.

I finally concluded that when my body was filled with tension and hostility and my mind was loaded with ugly thoughts, my inner condition surely wasn’t affecting my boss, my wife, or my child. They didn’t live underneath my skin. The Bible was right. To be kind, tender-hearted, and forgiving made sense. I would crank up my will power and determination and push the hate, anger, bitterness, and self-pity out of my body. What a relief that would be.

A few days later, however, came a bitter disappointment. The boss had finished loading his jaw with tobacco and was getting ready to spit. Somehow, I just knew my name would follow the spit and found myself tensing up. When he yelled, “Brrraaannnddt!” I was as furious as ever. This was disappointing and frustrating me. I was trying to live up to what the Bible said and couldn’t do it.

And I was still a growling tyrant around the house. I went through a period of time being bitter toward God and sputtering about the Bible. Here was a book that described a way of behaving that couldn’t be lived up to.

But I continued my search, and one day came upon some verses that gave me an answer and changed my whole inner life:

We are confident of all this because of our great trust in God through Christ. It is not that we think we are qualified to do anything on our own. Our qualification comes from God. He has enabled us to be ministers of his new covenant. This is a covenant not of written laws, but of the Spirit. The old written covenant ends in death; but under the new covenant, the Spirit gives life. —2 Corinthians 3:4–6

Those verses stopped me. I had a hard time understanding what they were saying. I was qualified! I had an education and a job. I had received promotions and made some good investments. I had married a beautiful wife and we lived in a beautiful home. All without God’s help, thank you very much.

After a few days of rejecting that passage, I reread it and noticed the final phrase: the Spirit gives life. Consider that thought. Anyone can obey the letter of the law, but it is the Holy Spirit that gives us life. I was responding to my boss in a positive manner outwardly, while at the same time rebelling inwardly.

Anyone can obey the letter of the law, but it is the Holy Spirit
that gives us life.

It was the rebellion I couldn’t take care of on my own. It was my hostility, anger, and hatred that I couldn’t eliminate from my life on my own. I could control my temper at home if I tried hard enough, but I couldn’t eliminate my resentment on my own. Living up to the letter of the law was killing me. I needed the Holy Spirit. That’s where my inadequacy was. This truth was like a shaft of light.

I asked God to fill me with the Holy Spirit’s life, to help me love my boss, my wife, and child—to keep my mind and my body quiet when things didn’t go right.

A few days later my boss was again loading his jaw with tobacco. He shot some at the spittoon and let out his war whoop: “Brrrraaaaannnnnddddtttt!”

I heard it, but I was quiet. This was unbelievable. I wasn’t angry.

My inner life matched my outward behavior for the first time. What a relief! My boss’s antics began to amuse me. I had a new spirit. God filled me with his peace—at work, at home, everywhere. My real relationship with God changed my life and even my profession. God would quiet my spirit whenever I let him.

Gradually, I learned to lean on God’s peace more and more. I’ve spent the last thirty-five years helping thousands of people find true peace by tapping into the Holy Spirit’s power. He is the one who gives us peace that can’t be influenced by people or circumstances.

Emily’s Headaches

I was sharing my story with a group of people recently at a conference. The next day, Emily came to tell me her story. She had had continuous headaches for several years. Medical tests and x-rays could not isolate the cause. Medication didn’t help. After listening to my story, she went to her room and told God how she hated the snake of a husband she had divorced several years ago.

As she was complaining to God, she realized she was only punishing herself by hating someone who was 3,000 miles away. She asked Jesus to come into her life and give her his Spirit and take the hate away.

She said to me, “This is the first day in several years that I have not had a headache.”

Four days later, she was still free from her headache.

Kathy’s Resentment

Kathy approached me about her husband. They had been married some twenty years. They were active in their church, he was even an elder. But he kept a bottle of vodka in his office and had already had too much to drink by the time he arrived home from the office at the end of the day. He demanded she prepare supper every night, even though his arrival time was unpredictable. He also expected her to sit with him to watch television every evening even though he only watched the sports channel and she had absolutely no interest in sports.

Now that their children were out of the house, this relationship had become unbearable. She had never complained to her husband, she said, but she was consumed with rebellion and resentment and anger. She couldn’t stand it much longer.

I pointed out to her that she had two problems. Her husband was obviously one of them. He was inconsiderate, selfish, and demanding. But her most serious problem was what went on underneath her skin.

“But I have served him faithfully,” she protested. It did appear that her behavior was beyond criticism. She doggedly was living up to the letter of the law. But, God’s Spirit was missing.

“My husband only thinks about himself.”

I hear this line of reasoning constantly. “My inner life is caused by the people or circumstances in my life. How else do you expect me to respond? Am I supposed to enjoy such treatment? Haven’t I put up with this long enough? Don’t I deserve some consideration, too?”

This dear woman was convinced that her inner life was in the hands of her husband. I challenged her to allow the Holy Spirit to invade her life. Several months later, I received a letter from her.

Nothing has changed in our marriage, but I am contented. I was so angry with you for what you said to me about myself—but you were right! Before that I hadn’t really recognized my own sin. God had to do work in my life. The process was difficult, but the result is beautiful. When you are submissive to the strong hand of God, he works in a powerful way. He has forgiven and cleansed and filled my heart with joy.

I praise Him for this mercy and grace. Once again, I want to say “thank you” from the depths of my heart.

Monica’s Rejection

This next letter came from Monica, a lovely young woman who experienced a nervous breakdown. When she came to see me for counseling, she was bitter and resentful. Her letter tells part of her story:

I told you my problem was not being invited to join the Junior League, and I really had a hang-up about this. I’d never been interested enough to do all the work required of a member and I refused to butter up the current League members, so I was not invited to join.

I was extremely disappointed. I’ve never felt as crushed or deeply hurt over anything. Most of my friends are members of this group, and I felt completely abandoned and rejected. I felt guilty that I let my family down.

I cried and cried over this for hours at a time. I felt that so many people could have helped me, and I got mad at them. You helped me to see that I was even mad at Almighty God.

Even though I have a Christian husband, a lovely family, and most every material thing I want, I was miserable. I had told God to just take my life.

I kept telling you my problem was getting left out of the Junior League, and you kept telling me my problem was my attitude toward what happened.

 After my second session with you, I asked God to give me his peace. I can’t tell you exactly how it happened. My situation remained the same, but God erased all the hurt feelings from me I literally felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

Then, I wondered if the peace would last. The Holy Spirit brought to my mind that part of John 14, where Jesus says: “My peace I give unto you. Not as the world gives give I unto you.” I’d always thought this verse was just for funerals!

It has been three years since I saw you and only a couple of times in those three years have I felt a little pang of the old hurt, but each time I immediately thank God for the peace he’s given me and he calms my inner self.

God has even changed my desires so that I honestly can’t imagine how I ever thought the Junior League was so important to me.

Andrew’s Temper

When Andrew first came to see me, he looked like a wild man, with sharp, piercing eyes. The muscles in his face were all tightened up, he drummed his fingers on the table, and he jerked his knee constantly. He was a hard, unyielding man. No one crossed him without getting a blast of his vicious temper. His big, strong, heavy-set body made him look dangerous indeed.

But underneath all that was a soul that longed for peace and a quiet heart. Oh, he argued with me for many months, but this man eventually allowed Jesus into his life. He now has a compassionate heart and is increasingly considerate of others. He let God come into his life and clean out that nastiness and replace it with peace.

Mark’s Anger

Mark is a brilliant engineer. But he didn’t come to see me because he had a sprawling home nestled in 200 acres of rolling hills, a jet plane, and a prosperous manufacturing plant that produced more money than he knew what to do with. He came because he was tired of being angry all the time. Everything irritated him and his disposition made life miserable for his family and employees.

Golf, tennis, good food, travel, and elite surroundings didn’t help him. He needed to be born again and allow Jesus to give him peace.

Mark didn’t want to believe he needed Jesus. But he had to reach out an empty hand and receive salvation like everyone else. He struggled a long time over this simple proposition, clinging to his insistence that business pressures were his problem. He was searching for a way to manage himself.

He finally gave in and reached out that empty hand to receive from God the gift freely given through Jesus. His life was miraculous changed. The Holy Spirit filled him with a new sense of joy and peace and purpose.

Allowing Jesus to Fill Us with His Peace

There is a common thread winding through all these stories. In each case, the person involved was responding to people or circumstances that were outside of themselves. Their reactions in each case were similar: anger, bitterness, stubbornness, rebellion, and/or hate which became intolerable.

In each situation, the idea that the people and circumstances involved were revealing rather than causing their reactions was firmly rejected. The possibility of becoming a loving, peaceful, joyful person without the people or circumstances changing was an unacceptable option for them. If nothing changed, they preferred to be mad and miserable rather than happy and peaceful.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Jesus, who knows all about us, said,

God’s light came into the world, but people loved the darkness more than the light, for their actions were evil. All who do evil hate the light and refuse to go near it for fear their sins will be exposed. But those who do what is right come to the light so others can see that they are doing what God wants. —John 3:19–21

The prophet Jeremiah gives us another glimpse of the human heart:

The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is? But I, the LORD, search all hearts and examine secret motives. I give all people their due rewards, according to what their actions deserve. —Jeremiah 17:9–10

There it is. In the deepest part of us, we are wicked. We are at least vaguely aware of our evil inner life, but we hate to admit it. We tend to turn away from such light. And the more brilliant we think we are, the more capable we are of coming up with endless varieties of ways to justify our attitudes and behavior.

However, there is hope! When we finally quit running, the Lord will search our hearts, show us our evil ways, clean us up, and fill us with his power. We can experience happiness and peace! Nevertheless, God’s peace requires a continual drawing upon his resources. We need to draw upon the wisdom of God’s Word and allow the Holy Spirit to empower us to live a life of peace and contentment.

Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.—Colossians 3:12–13

And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful.—Colossians 3:15

Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.
—1 Thessalonians 5:18

The wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and the fruit of good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. —James 3:17

Of course, you get no credit for being patient if you are beaten for doing wrong. But if you suffer for doing good and endure it patiently, God is pleased with you.—1 Peter 2:20

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! —1 Corinthians 13:4–8

Take a close look at the qualities contained in these verses:

kindness                                tenderhearted mercy

peace                                      thankful

forgiving                                sincerity

holiness                                 enduring

humility                                 not irritable

gentleness                             not jealous

patience                                 wisdom

loving                                     not boastful

hope                                       willing to yield to others

peace loving                          rejoicing in truth

The more you seek after God’s peace, the more you will experience the happiness and contentment that only he can give.

Questions for Reflection/Discussion:

1. What are some of the negative emotions and feelings that are controlling your life? After reading this chapter, what is one step you can take with the Holy Spirit’s help to overcome them?
2. What are some of this world’s solutions that you have found give you peace?
3. Is there a situation in your life that you need to allow God to change your perspective? Take time to pray and ask for his strength and power to release your negative response to this situation and to be filled with his peace.

Memorize: Colossians 3:12–13

Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.

What goes on in your head is the most private part of your inner life. The longer I work with people, the more convinced I am that everyone can and does control his or her own mind. We make our own decisions, and no one can change them.

Power to Choose

Here are some areas in which you have the power to make choices:

Give an accurate report, inaccurate report, or no report when questioned.

Share all or part or nothing that is on your mind.

Obey or disobey.

Obey outwardly, but rebel inwardly.

Study or not.

What you choose to look at, positive or negative.

Who you will listen to, whether it involves people or media.

What you read.

Follow advice or ignore it.

Abide by the teaching you receive or have received in the past or reject it.

Make plans and carry them out, drop them, or change them.

Form personal opinions.

Forgive people or hold grudges.

Reveal or conceal your feelings and emotions.

Turn to God or away from him.

Everyone has the power of choice. Our choices reveal what is really going on in our mind.

In this age of information, computers, television, newspapers, books, magazines, movies, billboards, and advertisements in many forms bombard us daily with many choices. You are constantly exchanging information with your spouse, family, parents, relatives, friends, teachers, preachers, and others. What are you doing with this mass of data that bids for your attention? Remember, it’s your attention. It’s your mind.

There is no avoiding your responsibility. There are several options open to you.

First, you have considerable choice of what sources you will even consider. Are the sites you visit regularly on your computer positive or negative in their impact on your life? Does your reading material add a sense of peace to your life? Who in your life builds you up, who tears you down?

Second, once your mind is exposed to all of the information coming into it, you must decide what you are going to accept and what you are going to reject. No one can do this for you, it is your personal responsibility.

We must fill our mind with God’s Word.

We need a standard to go by. The Bible tells us, “‘My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,’ says the LORD. ‘And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine’” (Isaiah 55:8). Since our thoughts are not his thoughts, nor our ways his ways, we need to make a conscious, deliberate effort to know him. We must fill our mind with God’s Word in order to think straight—to develop a foundation for embracing acceptable ideas and filtering out the unacceptable ones.

King David, a man after God’s own heart, offers us these guidelines:

The instructions of the LORD are perfect,
    reviving the soul.
The decrees of the LORD are trustworthy,
    making wise the simple.
The commandments of the Lord are right,
    bringing joy to the heart.
The commands of the LORD are clear,
    giving insight for living.
Reverence for the LORD is pure,
    lasting forever.
The laws of the LORD are true;
    each one is fair.
They are more desirable than gold,
    even the finest gold.
They are sweeter than honey,
    even honey dripping from the comb.
They are a warning to your servant,
    a great reward for those who obey them.

How can I know all the sins lurking in my heart?
    Cleanse me from these hidden faults.
Keep your servant from deliberate sins!
    Don’t let them control me.
Then I will be free of guilt
    and innocent of great sin.

May the words of my mouth
    and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing to you,
    O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.
—Psalm 19:7–14

The godly offer good counsel;
    they teach right from wrong.
They have made God’s law their own,
    so they will never slip from his path.
—Psalm 37:30–31

Oh, how I love your instructions!
    I think about them all day long.
Your commands make me wiser than my enemies,
    for they are my constant guide.
Yes, I have more insight than my teachers,
    for I am always thinking of your laws.
I am even wiser than my elders,
    for I have kept your commandments.
I have refused to walk on any evil path,
    so that I may remain obedient to your word.
I haven’t turned away from your regulations,
    for you have taught me well.
—Psalm 119:97–102

King Solomon, David’s son, provides us with this wisdom:

Tune your ears to wisdom,
    and concentrate on understanding.
Cry out for insight,
    and ask for understanding.
Search for them as you would for silver;
    seek them like hidden treasures.
Then you will understand what it means to fear the Lord,
    and you will gain knowledge of God.
For the Lord grants wisdom!
    From his mouth come knowledge and understanding.
He grants a treasure of common sense to the honest.
    He is a shield to those who walk with integrity.
He guards the paths of the just
    and protects those who are faithful to him.
—Proverbs 2:2–8

This is no simple path to follow. The management of your mind is a daily task. It involves continuous study of God’s Word, and no one can do it for you. The apostle Paul gives us some instructions that are attainable by anyone who is willing to be intentional. His advice demands a choice, and this choice must be renewed day by day.

Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. —Romans 12:2

Decision-Making

Every day of your life, you are called upon to not only to make your own decisions, but to also respond to decisions other people make that affect you. Many of our decisions involve responses to our life situations.

There are several Bible passages that can help us in our decision-making.

Don’t worry about the wicked
    or envy those who do wrong.
For like grass, they soon fade away.
    Like spring flowers, they soon wither.

Trust in the Lord and do good.
    Then you will live safely in the land and prosper.
Take delight in the Lord,
    and he will give you your heart’s desires.

Commit everything you do to the Lord.
    Trust him, and he will help you.
He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn,
    and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.

Be still in the presence of the Lord,
    and wait patiently for him to act.
Don’t worry about evil people who prosper
    or fret about their wicked schemes.

Stop being angry!
    Turn from your rage!
Do not lose your temper—
    it only leads to harm.
For the wicked will be destroyed,
    but those who trust in the Lord will possess the land.
—Psalm 37:1–9

We can make our own plans,
    but the LORD gives the right answer.

People may be pure in their own eyes,
    but the LORD examines their motives.

Commit your actions to the LORD,
    and your plans will succeed.
—Proverbs 16:1–3

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.
—Romans 8:28

We see in these verses that we err if we try to evaluate the immediate outcome of a decision or event. We also see that the emphasis in these verses is not on the outcome of the decisions, but on the attitude of the decision maker.

Decision-making is a common subject for those who come to me for counseling. Many of my clients are anxious about a decision to be made or are disturbed and angry over the outcome of a decision or event that has already occurred, whether they participated in it or were only affected by it.

The Bible stresses the attitude of the decision-maker rather than evaluation of the immediate outcome of a decision or an event. It takes months and sometimes even years to see how all things work together. I have stood by many people who have gone through crisis times. Given time, things do work out.

Todd—Trusting God’s Plan and Purpose

Todd was in his early 50s when his wife died in a car accident. There is no way to explain such a tragedy. Todd was a man committed to trusting God, and his faith sustained him as he went through the process of building a new life.

Two years after his wife died, Todd accepted a job in another state. This meant selling his house, leasing an apartment in another state, and getting settled there. However, the job didn’t work out, and after struggling with it for two years, Todd finally submitted his resignation.

This development seemed like such a pointless event for a Christian who was committed to trusting God. His friends wondered why God was treating him this way. Todd went on trusting, insisting that God’s plans and purposes were being accomplished in his life.

The events of life are bittersweet.
They make sense only over the long haul.

He found a job in another city, which meant another move. As it turned out, the job was perfect for him and he found new fulfillment and joy in it. Better yet, he found a circle of Christian friends with whom he was more compatible than any group of friends he ever had.

Another unexpected event happened to Todd. A lovely Christian widow showed up seemingly out of nowhere. After a few months they announced their plans to get married. What a happy marriage it turned out to be!

Todd’s story is like thousands of others. The events of life are bittersweet. They make sense only over the long haul.

“Fix Your Thoughts”

The Bible tells us,

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. —Philippians 4:6–8, emphasis added

To “fix our thoughts” requires that we choose to intentionally focus on God’s Word and on God’s way of living. We live in a tension-filled world. Violence, deception, fraud, and strained relations seem to be the norm rather than the exception. We are not a people who “think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” Because of this, we often experience negative difficulties in our lives.

The apostle Paul noted in his letter to the Romans,

Since they thought it foolish to acknowledge God, he abandoned them to their foolish thinking and let them do things that should never be done. Their lives became full of every kind of wickedness, sin, greed, hate, envy, murder, quarreling, deception, malicious behavior, and gossip. They are backstabbers, haters of God, insolent, proud, and boastful. They invent new ways of sinning, and they disobey their parents. They refuse to understand, break their promises, are heartless, and have no mercy. They know God’s justice requires that those who do these things deserve to die, yet they do them anyway. Worse yet, they encourage others to do them, too. —Romans 1:28–32

You can choose what you want to “fix your thoughts” on. You can experience the results of “foolish thinking” or you can choose to “think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” This is an important principle! What is in your mind directly affects your behavior. If you seek to please God with the use of your mind, you will be able to describe yourself with these words from Jeremiah:

This is what the Lord says:
“Don’t let the wise boast in their wisdom,
    or the powerful boast in their power,
    or the rich boast in their riches.
But those who wish to boast
    should boast in this alone:
that they truly know me and understand that I am the Lord
    who demonstrates unfailing love
    and who brings justice and righteousness to the earth,
and that I delight in these things.”
—Jeremiah 9:23–24

Deception

An anxious, disgruntled young man—married only six months—came to see me about his marriage. He hated his wife’s hairstyle, cooking, housekeeping, and love-making. What was he doing about it?

“I haven’t the heart to tell her, Dr. Brandt. So I’ve been telling her what a good job she’s been doing in each of those areas.”

A very worried and tense young woman came to see me because her wedding date was two months away, and she couldn’t stand her fiancé. He was tied to his family, wasted his money, and spent a lot of time with his friends.

What was she doing about the problem? Nothing. Instead, she told him how much she loved and admired him and gave everyone the impression that she was thrilled about the upcoming marriage.

Another young woman came to see me because she disagreed constantly with her mother. What did she do about it? Obeyed outwardly and seethed with resentment inwardly.

Many of my clients appear to be radiantly happy when they come to my office, but before the session is over they reveal a bitter, hateful spirit. I have occasionally been in social gatherings also attended by individuals who come to see me for counseling. Some of the most bitter ones appeared the happiest people there.

Why? Because all of these people are prepared to do anything to avoid the disappointment, anger, or ill will of another person, even to the point of lying to and deceiving that other person.

Why? Because their sense of self-respect depends on the good will of the other person.

But a deceitful relationship is self-defeating. These people didn’t come to see me because the other person was dissatisfied. They came because they, themselves, were miserable.

People give a variety of reasons for practicing such deception. Some are:

1.   My friend would hate me.

2.   My mother would be upset.

3.   My father would be angry.

4.   My teacher would flunk me.

5.   My boss would fire me.

6.   My spouse would be hurt or surprised.

7.   My church would ask me to leave.

When you misrepresent yourself to others—that is, when you lie and deceive others—for any reason, you violate an important principle found in the Old and New Testaments:

Do not deceive one another. —Leviticus 19:11, NIV

Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. —Ephesians 4:25, NIV

To deceive another is to chip away at your own self-respect, even though you receive praise and good will as a result.

In the New Testament we read:

The Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things! Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there. Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives. Let us not become conceited, or provoke one another, or be jealous of one another. —Galatians 5:22–26

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control are the fruit of the Spirit. These qualities exist only in a person who draws upon them from God. You can direct them to other people only as you are rightly related to God and they can be directed toward you only if the other person is rightly related to God. Do not base your own sense of self-respect on the spiritual condition of another person. You build your own self-respect when your words, behavior, emotions, and mental activity line up with God’s commandments. Only you know what is going on in your mind. Whether bitterness or joy floods your soul is known only to you.

Like-Mindedness

The Bible says:

I appeal to you, dear brothers and sisters, by the authority of our Lord Jesus Christ, to live in harmony with each other. Let there be no divisions in the church. Rather, be of one mind, united in thought and purpose. —1 Corinthians 1:10

Is there any encouragement from belonging to Christ? Any comfort from his love? Any fellowship together in the Spirit? Are your hearts tender and compassionate? Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose. Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. —Philippians 2:1–4

Contained in the verses mentioned above is a description of the mental activity involved in maintaining fellowship:

harmony

no divisions

one mind

united

agreement

working together

humility

If your minds are not together, you are not together, even if you speak the same words and do the same things. To demonstrate, look at these simple illustrations:

Eric	thinking	saying		Kim	thinking	saying
	Her hair is pretty. This food is delicious.	I like the way your hair looks     Your cooking is great!

Obviously, his mind agrees with his words. He is communicating honestly.

Here is another illustration:

Eric	thinking	saying		Kim	thinking	saying
	I’m hungry.	I’m hungry.			I’m hungry, but I don’t want to cook.	So am I. Let’s go out to eat.
	McDonald’s would be great.	Where do you want to go?			The Steak House!	Anywhere.
		Let’s go to McDonald’s.				I don’t want to go there. How about the Steak House instead?
	I hate the Steak House!	Okay.			He’s agreed and I’m happy.	Great!

Eric and Kim are both hungry and agree to go out to eat. She says she will go anywhere, but she doesn’t mean it and admits it. He agrees verbally to go to the Steak House, but he doesn’t tell Kim how he really feels about that specific restaurant. To that extent, he is deceiving her, and they are not like-minded.

What should he have done? He could have said, “I really don’t like the Steak House, but I will go since I know it is one of your favorites.”

Why is that so important? He is telling the truth, rather than deceiving her. Accommodating someone by not being honest about your own thoughts and feelings does not bring about like-mindedness. And the way we interact in seemingly unimportant situations sets the stage for more important circumstances.

Rachel’s Unhappiness

Rachel was known as a good neighbor, a happy wife, and a generous, considerate person who loved to go out of her way to be helpful. Sam was proud of his cheerful wife, who never fussed at him, even when he brought guests home on short notice.

However, Rachel was in my office for counseling and said, “I’m a very unhappy person and I came to find out why.”

As we talked, it became apparent that often times when Rachel said, “I’d be happy to entertain your guests,” she was actually thinking, “Oh, no, not again.” Or when people stopped in unexpectedly to visit she would say, “So glad you could come by,” she was actually feeling, “I hate it when people just stop by unexpectedly!”

Rachel was more concerned about appearing to be cheerful and generous than really being cheerful and generous. This intelligent woman didn’t realize the difference between acting and being real. And because of it she was carrying an invisible, but very heavy, burden of self-centeredness and deception that was making her miserable.

She called it neighborliness and accommodation. However, these verses describe her true heart and mind:

“The heart is hopelessly dark and deceitful, a puzzle that no one can figure out. But I, God, search the heart and examine the mind. I get to the heart of the human. I get to the root of things. I treat them as they really are, not as they pretend to be.” —Jeremiah 17:9–10, MSG

Rachel needed some direction. She needed someone to help her see that all her hard work was only producing personal misery. As we talked, Rachel saw where she was wrong and asked God to replace her selfish, deceitful spirit with his spirit of truth and service.

She went home and worked out a more realistic schedule with her husband and neighbors. This was not as easy as it sounds.

First, she had to admit to Sam that much of her friendly cooperation was just plain phoniness. He didn’t take it very well at first, but it was true, and he had to listen to her.

Second, they needed to negotiate a new plan. This wasn’t easy either. Sam was accustomed to Rachel’s agreeing with everything and he had to get used to contrary opinions coming from her. In the past, Sam could easily get his own opinion accepted with just a little bit of convincing, but now he frequently heard her say, “You haven’t changed my mind.”

Third, Rachel and Sam had to learn to settle deadlocks when their opinions differed. In such cases, one of them had to make the decision, and the other had to concede.

The good news is that Rachel and Sam were able to build a good marriage on the firm foundation of truth.

Getting There

When your minds are not together, you are not together. I recall meeting a man at a conference who was talked into attending against his will. He was there in body but not in mind and stayed in his room for the last day of meetings.

One woman told me how she despised the dress she was wearing. She hated the color, but her husband made her wear it.

A man bitterly sat in church every Sunday morning. He was there bodily to get his wife off his back, but his mind wasn’t there.

 These people illustrate the struggle that goes on in our minds. If like-mindedness is the goal, this mental conflict must cease. I have found that there are four ways to come to a meeting of minds:

1. Agreement
2. Concession
3. Compromise
4. Acceptance of authority

Agreement: When two or more people decide to drive to New York next Tuesday and stay at a certain Holiday Inn for a week—and there are no mental reservations—this could be called an agreement.

Concession: If someone in the party prefers a Sheraton Inn, but finally agrees to the Holiday Inn, this is a concession—a healthy concession if the decision is made without any reservation or grudge.

Compromise: On the way to New York, the travelers take turns driving. One drives 50 mph, the other 70 mph. One’s speed is too slow to suit the other, and the other’s speed is too fast for his partner. So, they agree to both drive 60 mph. This is a compromise.

Acceptance of Authority: The travelers differ over how often to stop along the way and where to eat. Finally, they agree there must be a leader who has the last word, and one of them is chosen to be the leader.

The leader decides to give the traveling partner the responsibility for deciding where to eat. The leader will decide when to stop. This is accepting authority.

No person can separate feelings, thoughts, and actions as we have done in this book. This is especially true when differences of opinion arise. We all tend to want our own way, and our opinions will sooner or later collide with someone else’s. So, to work on being like-minded is a continuous process, and the process will depend on if we are being led by the Holy Spirit or by our own will.

The art of negotiation involves allowing our emotions and attitudes to be directed by what we have been pouring into our lives from God’s Word. Negotiating is productive and effective when we approach one another unselfishly, humbly, and keep the importance of the other person in mind. This is not an easy task!

When there is a difference of opinion and you are not walking in the Spirit, it is easy to lose sight of the importance of the other person and become preoccupied with the negative side of the person you are negotiating with.

The art of negotiation involves allowing our emotions and attitudes to be directed by what we have been pouring into our lives from God’s Word.

In pre-marriage counseling, I have observed that two people contemplating a life together can’t say enough good about the other person.

However, if they need to see me for marriage counseling five years later, they are no longer like-minded, all they can think of is what’s wrong with their partner. This negative way of thinking can take over whenever there is a clash of opinion, even though the good qualities of the opponent are still there.

The last sentence in the passage that began this section on like-mindedness reads:

Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.
—Philippians 2:4

Eva’s Curtains

My wife, Eva, and I once moved to a home which had a large picture window overlooking some water. Eva wanted curtains on the window, and I didn’t. She wanted the room to look “finished,” and I wanted a clear view of the water.

We discussed the issue back and forth. She said that everyone we knew had curtains on their windows, which I thought was a weak argument. I liked the openness of the room without the curtains and couldn’t see why we needed to spend money on something that was simply a decoration.

After everything that could be said on both sides was said, she still wanted curtains … and I didn’t. A decision had to be made. Since we had decided at the beginning of our marriage that I would be the head of the family, it was my decision.

The result? We ended up with curtains.

Why? Because I was wise enough to know that Eva spent more time in that home than I did. I wanted to please her, and she wanted curtains. Since it was only a matter of opinion, and considering her interests as well as mine, I realized that the curtains didn’t affect the view that much, so it just made sense to yield to her. That settled it.

The Mind of a Servant

You are someone with talent, ability, creativity, and training. You have power, influence, perhaps riches. You may be smarter than the people you interact with on a daily basis—your family, your coworkers, your acquaintances, your fellow church members. However, you have a responsibility to serve all of these people.

Paul wrote in the book of Philippians:

You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had. Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. Instead, he gave up his divine privileges; he took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being. When he appeared in human form, he humbled himself in obedience to God and died a criminal’s death on a cross. —Philippians 2:5–8

Such is the attitude of a servant toward whomever is served. Jesus was the Son of God, the creator of the universe. Yet, he gave himself fully to his task. He didn’t need to. He just surrendered himself.

I used to think of servants as people with lowly positions and low pay. When I was a boy my mother would take in washing for other families. I would deliver the washing to these huge homes with servants: maids, cooks, chauffeurs, gardeners.

However, now that I am an adult I know that physicians, teachers, counselors, lawyers, builders, and bankers are servants, too. They make a lot of money, but it’s not the pay that makes you a servant. It’s the giving of yourself totally to your task.

Then, calling the crowd to join his disciples, he [Jesus] said, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must give up your own way, take up your cross, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake and for the sake of the Good News, you will save it. And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul?” —Mark 8:34–36

We find ourselves by losing ourselves in accomplishing his purposes. This servant spirit is required if you are to be like-minded. You must give yourself totally and completely to the process with whomever you must cooperate. Training, ability, power, or wealth does not exempt you from making a continuous effort to maintain like-mindedness.

There may be rewards or there may not be. There may be appreciation or there may not be. A servant doesn’t perform services for rewards or appreciation. A servant serves in Jesus’ name and for his sake. A servant gives because they are a servant.

The management of your mind is your responsibility. No one can do it for you. If you use God’s Word as a standard for what you allow into your mind, and if you commit yourself to speaking the truth and to being like-minded with the people in your life, you will soon experience happiness and contentment like you have never known.

Questions for Reflection/Discussion:

1. What are the positive things that you are allowing into your mind? What are the negative things?
2. What steps do you need to take to eliminate the things that are affecting your mind in a negative way and embrace more positive things?
3. What changes might occur in your life if you began to live out the principles of like-mindedness and being a servant?

Memorize: Philippians 4:6–8

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.