Apicontent

What goes on in your head is the most private part of your inner life. The longer I work with people, the more convinced I am that everyone can and does control his or her own mind. We make our own decisions, and no one can change them.

Power to Choose

Here are some areas in which you have the power to make choices:

Give an accurate report, inaccurate report, or no report when questioned.

Share all or part or nothing that is on your mind.

Obey or disobey.

Obey outwardly, but rebel inwardly.

Study or not.

What you choose to look at, positive or negative.

Who you will listen to, whether it involves people or media.

What you read.

Follow advice or ignore it.

Abide by the teaching you receive or have received in the past or reject it.

Make plans and carry them out, drop them, or change them.

Form personal opinions.

Forgive people or hold grudges.

Reveal or conceal your feelings and emotions.

Turn to God or away from him.

Everyone has the power of choice. Our choices reveal what is really going on in our mind.

In this age of information, computers, television, newspapers, books, magazines, movies, billboards, and advertisements in many forms bombard us daily with many choices. You are constantly exchanging information with your spouse, family, parents, relatives, friends, teachers, preachers, and others. What are you doing with this mass of data that bids for your attention? Remember, it’s your attention. It’s your mind.

There is no avoiding your responsibility. There are several options open to you.

First, you have considerable choice of what sources you will even consider. Are the sites you visit regularly on your computer positive or negative in their impact on your life? Does your reading material add a sense of peace to your life? Who in your life builds you up, who tears you down?

Second, once your mind is exposed to all of the information coming into it, you must decide what you are going to accept and what you are going to reject. No one can do this for you, it is your personal responsibility.

We must fill our mind with God’s Word.

We need a standard to go by. The Bible tells us, “‘My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,’ says the LORD. ‘And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine’” (Isaiah 55:8). Since our thoughts are not his thoughts, nor our ways his ways, we need to make a conscious, deliberate effort to know him. We must fill our mind with God’s Word in order to think straight—to develop a foundation for embracing acceptable ideas and filtering out the unacceptable ones.

King David, a man after God’s own heart, offers us these guidelines:

The instructions of the LORD are perfect,
    reviving the soul.
The decrees of the LORD are trustworthy,
    making wise the simple.
The commandments of the Lord are right,
    bringing joy to the heart.
The commands of the LORD are clear,
    giving insight for living.
Reverence for the LORD is pure,
    lasting forever.
The laws of the LORD are true;
    each one is fair.
They are more desirable than gold,
    even the finest gold.
They are sweeter than honey,
    even honey dripping from the comb.
They are a warning to your servant,
    a great reward for those who obey them.

How can I know all the sins lurking in my heart?
    Cleanse me from these hidden faults.
Keep your servant from deliberate sins!
    Don’t let them control me.
Then I will be free of guilt
    and innocent of great sin.

May the words of my mouth
    and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing to you,
    O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.
—Psalm 19:7–14

The godly offer good counsel;
    they teach right from wrong.
They have made God’s law their own,
    so they will never slip from his path.
—Psalm 37:30–31

Oh, how I love your instructions!
    I think about them all day long.
Your commands make me wiser than my enemies,
    for they are my constant guide.
Yes, I have more insight than my teachers,
    for I am always thinking of your laws.
I am even wiser than my elders,
    for I have kept your commandments.
I have refused to walk on any evil path,
    so that I may remain obedient to your word.
I haven’t turned away from your regulations,
    for you have taught me well.
—Psalm 119:97–102

King Solomon, David’s son, provides us with this wisdom:

Tune your ears to wisdom,
    and concentrate on understanding.
Cry out for insight,
    and ask for understanding.
Search for them as you would for silver;
    seek them like hidden treasures.
Then you will understand what it means to fear the Lord,
    and you will gain knowledge of God.
For the Lord grants wisdom!
    From his mouth come knowledge and understanding.
He grants a treasure of common sense to the honest.
    He is a shield to those who walk with integrity.
He guards the paths of the just
    and protects those who are faithful to him.
—Proverbs 2:2–8

This is no simple path to follow. The management of your mind is a daily task. It involves continuous study of God’s Word, and no one can do it for you. The apostle Paul gives us some instructions that are attainable by anyone who is willing to be intentional. His advice demands a choice, and this choice must be renewed day by day.

Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. —Romans 12:2

Decision-Making

Every day of your life, you are called upon to not only to make your own decisions, but to also respond to decisions other people make that affect you. Many of our decisions involve responses to our life situations.

There are several Bible passages that can help us in our decision-making.

Don’t worry about the wicked
    or envy those who do wrong.
For like grass, they soon fade away.
    Like spring flowers, they soon wither.

Trust in the Lord and do good.
    Then you will live safely in the land and prosper.
Take delight in the Lord,
    and he will give you your heart’s desires.

Commit everything you do to the Lord.
    Trust him, and he will help you.
He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn,
    and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.

Be still in the presence of the Lord,
    and wait patiently for him to act.
Don’t worry about evil people who prosper
    or fret about their wicked schemes.

Stop being angry!
    Turn from your rage!
Do not lose your temper—
    it only leads to harm.
For the wicked will be destroyed,
    but those who trust in the Lord will possess the land.
—Psalm 37:1–9

We can make our own plans,
    but the LORD gives the right answer.

People may be pure in their own eyes,
    but the LORD examines their motives.

Commit your actions to the LORD,
    and your plans will succeed.
—Proverbs 16:1–3

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.
—Romans 8:28

We see in these verses that we err if we try to evaluate the immediate outcome of a decision or event. We also see that the emphasis in these verses is not on the outcome of the decisions, but on the attitude of the decision maker.

Decision-making is a common subject for those who come to me for counseling. Many of my clients are anxious about a decision to be made or are disturbed and angry over the outcome of a decision or event that has already occurred, whether they participated in it or were only affected by it.

The Bible stresses the attitude of the decision-maker rather than evaluation of the immediate outcome of a decision or an event. It takes months and sometimes even years to see how all things work together. I have stood by many people who have gone through crisis times. Given time, things do work out.

Todd—Trusting God’s Plan and Purpose

Todd was in his early 50s when his wife died in a car accident. There is no way to explain such a tragedy. Todd was a man committed to trusting God, and his faith sustained him as he went through the process of building a new life.

Two years after his wife died, Todd accepted a job in another state. This meant selling his house, leasing an apartment in another state, and getting settled there. However, the job didn’t work out, and after struggling with it for two years, Todd finally submitted his resignation.

This development seemed like such a pointless event for a Christian who was committed to trusting God. His friends wondered why God was treating him this way. Todd went on trusting, insisting that God’s plans and purposes were being accomplished in his life.

The events of life are bittersweet.
They make sense only over the long haul.

He found a job in another city, which meant another move. As it turned out, the job was perfect for him and he found new fulfillment and joy in it. Better yet, he found a circle of Christian friends with whom he was more compatible than any group of friends he ever had.

Another unexpected event happened to Todd. A lovely Christian widow showed up seemingly out of nowhere. After a few months they announced their plans to get married. What a happy marriage it turned out to be!

Todd’s story is like thousands of others. The events of life are bittersweet. They make sense only over the long haul.

“Fix Your Thoughts”

The Bible tells us,

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. —Philippians 4:6–8, emphasis added

To “fix our thoughts” requires that we choose to intentionally focus on God’s Word and on God’s way of living. We live in a tension-filled world. Violence, deception, fraud, and strained relations seem to be the norm rather than the exception. We are not a people who “think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” Because of this, we often experience negative difficulties in our lives.

The apostle Paul noted in his letter to the Romans,

Since they thought it foolish to acknowledge God, he abandoned them to their foolish thinking and let them do things that should never be done. Their lives became full of every kind of wickedness, sin, greed, hate, envy, murder, quarreling, deception, malicious behavior, and gossip. They are backstabbers, haters of God, insolent, proud, and boastful. They invent new ways of sinning, and they disobey their parents. They refuse to understand, break their promises, are heartless, and have no mercy. They know God’s justice requires that those who do these things deserve to die, yet they do them anyway. Worse yet, they encourage others to do them, too. —Romans 1:28–32

You can choose what you want to “fix your thoughts” on. You can experience the results of “foolish thinking” or you can choose to “think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” This is an important principle! What is in your mind directly affects your behavior. If you seek to please God with the use of your mind, you will be able to describe yourself with these words from Jeremiah:

This is what the Lord says:
“Don’t let the wise boast in their wisdom,
    or the powerful boast in their power,
    or the rich boast in their riches.
But those who wish to boast
    should boast in this alone:
that they truly know me and understand that I am the Lord
    who demonstrates unfailing love
    and who brings justice and righteousness to the earth,
and that I delight in these things.”
—Jeremiah 9:23–24

Deception

An anxious, disgruntled young man—married only six months—came to see me about his marriage. He hated his wife’s hairstyle, cooking, housekeeping, and love-making. What was he doing about it?

“I haven’t the heart to tell her, Dr. Brandt. So I’ve been telling her what a good job she’s been doing in each of those areas.”

A very worried and tense young woman came to see me because her wedding date was two months away, and she couldn’t stand her fiancé. He was tied to his family, wasted his money, and spent a lot of time with his friends.

What was she doing about the problem? Nothing. Instead, she told him how much she loved and admired him and gave everyone the impression that she was thrilled about the upcoming marriage.

Another young woman came to see me because she disagreed constantly with her mother. What did she do about it? Obeyed outwardly and seethed with resentment inwardly.

Many of my clients appear to be radiantly happy when they come to my office, but before the session is over they reveal a bitter, hateful spirit. I have occasionally been in social gatherings also attended by individuals who come to see me for counseling. Some of the most bitter ones appeared the happiest people there.

Why? Because all of these people are prepared to do anything to avoid the disappointment, anger, or ill will of another person, even to the point of lying to and deceiving that other person.

Why? Because their sense of self-respect depends on the good will of the other person.

But a deceitful relationship is self-defeating. These people didn’t come to see me because the other person was dissatisfied. They came because they, themselves, were miserable.

People give a variety of reasons for practicing such deception. Some are:

1.   My friend would hate me.

2.   My mother would be upset.

3.   My father would be angry.

4.   My teacher would flunk me.

5.   My boss would fire me.

6.   My spouse would be hurt or surprised.

7.   My church would ask me to leave.

When you misrepresent yourself to others—that is, when you lie and deceive others—for any reason, you violate an important principle found in the Old and New Testaments:

Do not deceive one another. —Leviticus 19:11, NIV

Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. —Ephesians 4:25, NIV

To deceive another is to chip away at your own self-respect, even though you receive praise and good will as a result.

In the New Testament we read:

The Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things! Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there. Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives. Let us not become conceited, or provoke one another, or be jealous of one another. —Galatians 5:22–26

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control are the fruit of the Spirit. These qualities exist only in a person who draws upon them from God. You can direct them to other people only as you are rightly related to God and they can be directed toward you only if the other person is rightly related to God. Do not base your own sense of self-respect on the spiritual condition of another person. You build your own self-respect when your words, behavior, emotions, and mental activity line up with God’s commandments. Only you know what is going on in your mind. Whether bitterness or joy floods your soul is known only to you.

Like-Mindedness

The Bible says:

I appeal to you, dear brothers and sisters, by the authority of our Lord Jesus Christ, to live in harmony with each other. Let there be no divisions in the church. Rather, be of one mind, united in thought and purpose. —1 Corinthians 1:10

Is there any encouragement from belonging to Christ? Any comfort from his love? Any fellowship together in the Spirit? Are your hearts tender and compassionate? Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose. Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. —Philippians 2:1–4

Contained in the verses mentioned above is a description of the mental activity involved in maintaining fellowship:

harmony

no divisions

one mind

united

agreement

working together

humility

If your minds are not together, you are not together, even if you speak the same words and do the same things. To demonstrate, look at these simple illustrations:

Eric	thinking	saying		Kim	thinking	saying
	Her hair is pretty. This food is delicious.	I like the way your hair looks     Your cooking is great!

Obviously, his mind agrees with his words. He is communicating honestly.

Here is another illustration:

Eric	thinking	saying		Kim	thinking	saying
	I’m hungry.	I’m hungry.			I’m hungry, but I don’t want to cook.	So am I. Let’s go out to eat.
	McDonald’s would be great.	Where do you want to go?			The Steak House!	Anywhere.
		Let’s go to McDonald’s.				I don’t want to go there. How about the Steak House instead?
	I hate the Steak House!	Okay.			He’s agreed and I’m happy.	Great!

Eric and Kim are both hungry and agree to go out to eat. She says she will go anywhere, but she doesn’t mean it and admits it. He agrees verbally to go to the Steak House, but he doesn’t tell Kim how he really feels about that specific restaurant. To that extent, he is deceiving her, and they are not like-minded.

What should he have done? He could have said, “I really don’t like the Steak House, but I will go since I know it is one of your favorites.”

Why is that so important? He is telling the truth, rather than deceiving her. Accommodating someone by not being honest about your own thoughts and feelings does not bring about like-mindedness. And the way we interact in seemingly unimportant situations sets the stage for more important circumstances.

Rachel’s Unhappiness

Rachel was known as a good neighbor, a happy wife, and a generous, considerate person who loved to go out of her way to be helpful. Sam was proud of his cheerful wife, who never fussed at him, even when he brought guests home on short notice.

However, Rachel was in my office for counseling and said, “I’m a very unhappy person and I came to find out why.”

As we talked, it became apparent that often times when Rachel said, “I’d be happy to entertain your guests,” she was actually thinking, “Oh, no, not again.” Or when people stopped in unexpectedly to visit she would say, “So glad you could come by,” she was actually feeling, “I hate it when people just stop by unexpectedly!”

Rachel was more concerned about appearing to be cheerful and generous than really being cheerful and generous. This intelligent woman didn’t realize the difference between acting and being real. And because of it she was carrying an invisible, but very heavy, burden of self-centeredness and deception that was making her miserable.

She called it neighborliness and accommodation. However, these verses describe her true heart and mind:

“The heart is hopelessly dark and deceitful, a puzzle that no one can figure out. But I, God, search the heart and examine the mind. I get to the heart of the human. I get to the root of things. I treat them as they really are, not as they pretend to be.” —Jeremiah 17:9–10, MSG

Rachel needed some direction. She needed someone to help her see that all her hard work was only producing personal misery. As we talked, Rachel saw where she was wrong and asked God to replace her selfish, deceitful spirit with his spirit of truth and service.

She went home and worked out a more realistic schedule with her husband and neighbors. This was not as easy as it sounds.

First, she had to admit to Sam that much of her friendly cooperation was just plain phoniness. He didn’t take it very well at first, but it was true, and he had to listen to her.

Second, they needed to negotiate a new plan. This wasn’t easy either. Sam was accustomed to Rachel’s agreeing with everything and he had to get used to contrary opinions coming from her. In the past, Sam could easily get his own opinion accepted with just a little bit of convincing, but now he frequently heard her say, “You haven’t changed my mind.”

Third, Rachel and Sam had to learn to settle deadlocks when their opinions differed. In such cases, one of them had to make the decision, and the other had to concede.

The good news is that Rachel and Sam were able to build a good marriage on the firm foundation of truth.

Getting There

When your minds are not together, you are not together. I recall meeting a man at a conference who was talked into attending against his will. He was there in body but not in mind and stayed in his room for the last day of meetings.

One woman told me how she despised the dress she was wearing. She hated the color, but her husband made her wear it.

A man bitterly sat in church every Sunday morning. He was there bodily to get his wife off his back, but his mind wasn’t there.

 These people illustrate the struggle that goes on in our minds. If like-mindedness is the goal, this mental conflict must cease. I have found that there are four ways to come to a meeting of minds:

1. Agreement
2. Concession
3. Compromise
4. Acceptance of authority

Agreement: When two or more people decide to drive to New York next Tuesday and stay at a certain Holiday Inn for a week—and there are no mental reservations—this could be called an agreement.

Concession: If someone in the party prefers a Sheraton Inn, but finally agrees to the Holiday Inn, this is a concession—a healthy concession if the decision is made without any reservation or grudge.

Compromise: On the way to New York, the travelers take turns driving. One drives 50 mph, the other 70 mph. One’s speed is too slow to suit the other, and the other’s speed is too fast for his partner. So, they agree to both drive 60 mph. This is a compromise.

Acceptance of Authority: The travelers differ over how often to stop along the way and where to eat. Finally, they agree there must be a leader who has the last word, and one of them is chosen to be the leader.

The leader decides to give the traveling partner the responsibility for deciding where to eat. The leader will decide when to stop. This is accepting authority.

No person can separate feelings, thoughts, and actions as we have done in this book. This is especially true when differences of opinion arise. We all tend to want our own way, and our opinions will sooner or later collide with someone else’s. So, to work on being like-minded is a continuous process, and the process will depend on if we are being led by the Holy Spirit or by our own will.

The art of negotiation involves allowing our emotions and attitudes to be directed by what we have been pouring into our lives from God’s Word. Negotiating is productive and effective when we approach one another unselfishly, humbly, and keep the importance of the other person in mind. This is not an easy task!

When there is a difference of opinion and you are not walking in the Spirit, it is easy to lose sight of the importance of the other person and become preoccupied with the negative side of the person you are negotiating with.

The art of negotiation involves allowing our emotions and attitudes to be directed by what we have been pouring into our lives from God’s Word.

In pre-marriage counseling, I have observed that two people contemplating a life together can’t say enough good about the other person.

However, if they need to see me for marriage counseling five years later, they are no longer like-minded, all they can think of is what’s wrong with their partner. This negative way of thinking can take over whenever there is a clash of opinion, even though the good qualities of the opponent are still there.

The last sentence in the passage that began this section on like-mindedness reads:

Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.
—Philippians 2:4

Eva’s Curtains

My wife, Eva, and I once moved to a home which had a large picture window overlooking some water. Eva wanted curtains on the window, and I didn’t. She wanted the room to look “finished,” and I wanted a clear view of the water.

We discussed the issue back and forth. She said that everyone we knew had curtains on their windows, which I thought was a weak argument. I liked the openness of the room without the curtains and couldn’t see why we needed to spend money on something that was simply a decoration.

After everything that could be said on both sides was said, she still wanted curtains … and I didn’t. A decision had to be made. Since we had decided at the beginning of our marriage that I would be the head of the family, it was my decision.

The result? We ended up with curtains.

Why? Because I was wise enough to know that Eva spent more time in that home than I did. I wanted to please her, and she wanted curtains. Since it was only a matter of opinion, and considering her interests as well as mine, I realized that the curtains didn’t affect the view that much, so it just made sense to yield to her. That settled it.

The Mind of a Servant

You are someone with talent, ability, creativity, and training. You have power, influence, perhaps riches. You may be smarter than the people you interact with on a daily basis—your family, your coworkers, your acquaintances, your fellow church members. However, you have a responsibility to serve all of these people.

Paul wrote in the book of Philippians:

You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had. Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. Instead, he gave up his divine privileges; he took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being. When he appeared in human form, he humbled himself in obedience to God and died a criminal’s death on a cross. —Philippians 2:5–8

Such is the attitude of a servant toward whomever is served. Jesus was the Son of God, the creator of the universe. Yet, he gave himself fully to his task. He didn’t need to. He just surrendered himself.

I used to think of servants as people with lowly positions and low pay. When I was a boy my mother would take in washing for other families. I would deliver the washing to these huge homes with servants: maids, cooks, chauffeurs, gardeners.

However, now that I am an adult I know that physicians, teachers, counselors, lawyers, builders, and bankers are servants, too. They make a lot of money, but it’s not the pay that makes you a servant. It’s the giving of yourself totally to your task.

Then, calling the crowd to join his disciples, he [Jesus] said, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must give up your own way, take up your cross, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake and for the sake of the Good News, you will save it. And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul?” —Mark 8:34–36

We find ourselves by losing ourselves in accomplishing his purposes. This servant spirit is required if you are to be like-minded. You must give yourself totally and completely to the process with whomever you must cooperate. Training, ability, power, or wealth does not exempt you from making a continuous effort to maintain like-mindedness.

There may be rewards or there may not be. There may be appreciation or there may not be. A servant doesn’t perform services for rewards or appreciation. A servant serves in Jesus’ name and for his sake. A servant gives because they are a servant.

The management of your mind is your responsibility. No one can do it for you. If you use God’s Word as a standard for what you allow into your mind, and if you commit yourself to speaking the truth and to being like-minded with the people in your life, you will soon experience happiness and contentment like you have never known.

Questions for Reflection/Discussion:

1. What are the positive things that you are allowing into your mind? What are the negative things?
2. What steps do you need to take to eliminate the things that are affecting your mind in a negative way and embrace more positive things?
3. What changes might occur in your life if you began to live out the principles of like-mindedness and being a servant?

Memorize: Philippians 4:6–8

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.

I’m firmly convinced that the goals we set for ourselves account for one of the most crucial factors of all in helping us to experience happiness. Goals bring life into focus. They give meaning and purpose to life. But they must all be grounded in God’s plans and purposes.

Climbing Mt. Whitney

I have a friend who was determined to climb Mt. Whitney, the tallest mountain in the continental United States—more than 14,000 feet high. He invited me to go along. It is a long, hard, two-day climb. Each person has to carry a heavy backpack with two days of food, extra clothing in case it rains or snows, a sleeping bag, and a tank of oxygen.

The day came when we stood at the foot of the trail, thrilled as we looked up and saw the peak high up in the sky. We had many trails ahead of us. There were long, easy sections. There were fast-moving mountain streams. There were long, steep climbs that left our muscles aching and our lungs panting for breath.

Toward the end of the first day, the shrubbery and grass began to disappear and we left the tall trees behind. There were rocks and some small, gnarled, tough, little trees. As we looked up, the peak seemed as far away as ever.

We stopped for the night and removed our packs from our weary backs. There was a cold, biting wind blowing. We built a fire, heated up some soup, and sat back to enjoy the breath-taking scenery. We didn’t mind the aching muscles. We accepted the pain and the cold as a part of reaching our goal.

Finally, we rolled out our sleeping bags, crawled in, and tried to sleep on the hard rocks with a howling wind blowing that made us huddle as far down as possible in our sleeping bags.

In the morning, when we crawled out of our bags, our bones ached from spending the night on that hard rock, and our muscles ached from yesterday’s climb, but we were happy and wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. After a breakfast of dried meat and peanuts, we hoisted our packs up on our aching backs and started out.

The trail became steeper and steeper. Many times, at the foot of a long, steep climb, it looked like we had finally reached the peak. But when we reached the top, we discovered that there were more peaks beyond. We climbed down, up, down, up. The air became very thin, and we had to breathe oxygen from our little tank in order to keep going.

Those little peaks seemed to keep coming forever.

Continuing to climb those lesser peaks made sense only because we kept that final peak in view. Finally, after climbing for two days, sometimes through deep snow banks, and seemingly having expended every ounce of energy, we stood on the peak—14,000 feet up—with a breathtaking, 360 degree view to enjoy.

Our goal of reaching the peak gave meaning to subjecting ourselves to the expenditure of energy, pain, sleeping on hard rock, eating dried food, and lugging a heavy pack on our backs. It was an exhilarating, rewarding experience!

Our Life-Long Goal

The Bible says,

For we must all stand before Christ to be judged. We will each receive whatever we deserve for the good or evil we have done in this earthly body. —2 Corinthians 5:10

Each individual, no matter who we are, will see Jesus and give an account of what he or she has done. God has given us instructions for living, and we will be evaluated on the basis of them. We do well to prepare for that day.

A few years ago, I received an official-looking envelope in the mail. It was from the United States Government, asking me to appear before the Internal Revenue Service to give an account of what I had done with my money for the three previous years.

There was nothing to fear, because I had retained the services of an excellent CPA who had guided me in properly accounting for the use of my money and paying taxes as necessary. After a very thorough review, the IRS announced that we had made some errors and were entitled to a $500 refund.

So it will be when we stand before the judgment seat of Christ. There will be nothing to fear if we have managed our lives as he instructed us. Be assured that we will be judged according to his Word.

When Moses died, it is recorded that God gave Joshua specific instructions as he took over the leadership of the Israelites:

Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the instructions Moses gave you. Do not deviate from them, turning either to the right or to the left. Then you will be successful in everything you do. —Joshua 1:7

King Solomon, who tried everything under the sun, came to the following conclusion:

Fear God and obey his commands, for this is everyone’s duty. God will judge us for everything we do, including every secret thing, whether good or bad.
—Ecclesiastes 12:13–14

In his first letter to Timothy, the apostle Paul advised:

Work hard so you can present yourself to God and receive his approval. Be a good worker, one who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly explains the word of truth. —2 Timothy 2:15

In order to live a life pleasing to God, we must know and obey his Word. Not only will this allow us to receive his approval at the end of our lives, it will bring us a life of happiness and blessing. God’s Word keeps us from stumbling, gives us insight and understanding of righteousness, and makes our way prosperous as we follow him. I have found the best way for me to do this is to daily follow the apostle Paul’s instruction:

Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things. For … your life is now hidden with Christ in God. —Colossians 3:2–3, NIV

This overarching, life-long goal will guide us in experiencing a life of happiness and contentment.

A Focus on the Wrong Goals Will Lead to Frustration

We tend to get involved with people, activities, and our possessions with a great surge of energy and pleasurable expectation. Beginning a new relationship, landing a new job, having money to purchase a desired material blessing. Anticipation fans our expectations. Our hope is that reaching our goal will result in great satisfaction and pleasure. Then, after several months or years of effort, we end up disillusioned.

There are people who have made plenty of money but have no good reason for spending it. Shopping malls are full of people aimlessly wandering from store to store, not looking for anything in particular, often buying something they don’t need.

There are those individuals who have developed their talent and ability and now have no desire to use it. They have learned a trade or a profession, but receive no satisfaction from their work, even though they are using their talent and the pay is good.

Some people can’t wait to retire so they can pursue a life of leisure. However, I’ve met many retirees who are hopelessly bored with luxury and ease.

Many beautiful, healthy, affectionate people are tremendously unhappy. Their marriage has turned to ashes. They feel as though the demands of the relationship are too great, so either the husband or wife lashes out at the other or just walks away and abandons the whole thing. Couples are abandoning marriage and their families by the droves.

What these people have discovered is that good goals don’t satisfy. Here are some goals that should have satisfied, but didn’t:

1. Making money
2. Acquiring things
3. Building a business or career
4. Retirement
5. Using talent and ability
6. Marriage
7. Parenthood

These are all good goals. Everyone must make a living and provide for their future. We all need to do what is necessary to use our talents and abilities. Who would argue with having a good marriage and a happy family life as a goal? Surely everyone who has worked hard is entitled to retirement.

And yet, after years of sincere effort pursuing good goals many people still end up tremendously unhappy. I am reminded of what King Solomon discovered:

I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind. —Ecclesiastes 1:14, NIV

And I saw that all toil and all achievement spring from one person’s envy of another. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind. —Ecclesiastes 4:4, NIV

His gloomy conclusions have a strangely modern ring to them. I hear almost the same words from my clients:

            “I’m fed up with competing.”

            “I’m frustrated after all these years of hard work.”

            “I’ve poured my life into this family and nobody cares.”

Doing good things all your life is like climbing a steep section of a mountain trail. You are only willing to endure aching muscles when you keep the peak in mind. Doing good things only has meaning and purpose if in the doing of them you keep the real long-range goal in mind. Only if your behavior, your conversation, your feelings and emotions, your choices, and your goals are pleasing in God’s eyes, will your day-by-day activities and responsibilities have meaning and purpose.

The Bible provides us with these principles for helping us set our goals:

You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: Love your neighbor as yourself. —Matthew 22:37–39

Perspective

The day of the Lord will come as unexpectedly as a thief. Then the heavens will pass away with a terrible noise, and the very elements themselves will disappear in fire, and the earth and everything on it will be found to deserve judgment. —2 Peter 3:10

I was reading this verse one time while preparing for an overseas trip. At the time, I was a partner in a chain of eight large restaurants. I visited them all before leaving, which was a long, tiring chore.

The thought occurred to me then that it doesn’t make sense to put your heart and soul into something that eventually will be destroyed. I could picture all eight of those restaurants burning to the ground. No wonder riches don’t satisfy; they are only temporary. We all sense, at least vaguely, that earthly blessings won’t last forever.

A few years ago, I was a partner in an apartment house project. We were in the process of constructing a new building and had the roof on and the doors and windows installed in a three-story structure containing twelve apartment units. Before we could complete any more work, a strong wind blew down the entire building. As I studied the wreckage, it was as though an audible voice was telling me not to put my hopes in buildings. They are just a puff of wind … or an earth tremor … or a touch of fire … away from being destroyed.

Why should things like this happen? We can’t really answer that question. However, the very fact that it does happen may be why Jesus said:

Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. —Matthew 6:19–21

Granted, everyone must make a living. In the process, we often acquire a home and possessions. If we follow the laws of economics carefully, we can acquire great wealth in the same amount of time that someone else barely ekes out a living. The futility of it is not in the possession of wealth; it’s putting our whole heart and soul into something that will eventually be destroyed.

 What, then, is important? The Bible tells us:

Since everything will be destroyed in this way, what kind of people ought you to be? You ought to live holy and godly lives —2 Peter 3:11, NIV

Everyone must live out life every day in a godly way. How should we conduct ourselves in the process? Here are some Bible verses that can help us:

Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. —Matthew 6:33

Let’s stop condemning each other. Decide instead to live in such a way that you will not cause another believer to stumble and fall. —Romans 14:13

For the Kingdom of God is not a matter of what we eat or drink, but of living a life of goodness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. If you serve Christ with this attitude, you will please God, and others will approve of you, too. So then, let us aim for harmony in the church and try to build each other up. —Romans 14:17–19

The LORD has told you what is good, and this is what he requires of you: to do what is right, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God. —Micah 6:8

Who may climb the mountain of the LORD? Who may stand in his holy place? Only those whose hands and hearts are pure, who do not worship idols and never tell lies.They will receive the LORD’s blessing and have a right relationship with God their savior.
—Psalm 24:3–5

You get no credit for being patient if you are beaten for doing wrong. But if you suffer for doing good and endure it patiently, God is pleased with you. For God called you to do good, even if it means suffering, just as Christ suffered for you. He is your example, and you must follow in his steps. He never sinned, nor ever deceived anyone. He did not retaliate when he was insulted, nor threaten revenge when he suffered. He left his case in the hands of God, who always judges fairly. —1 Peter 2:20–23

Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. —Proverbs 4:23

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
—Psalm 51:10, NIV

When we set our earthly goals with God’s principles guiding us, we will be able to maintain our perspective of our life-long goal of living for him.

Trusting God

Most of us experience happiness when all is peaceful in our marriage and with our family and friends, when we can make our mortgage payments, when there are no conflicts within our family, and when we have enough money to pay our bills. Our happiness is taken away from us when we experience disagreements with our marriage partner, trouble with our children, illness, death, financial struggles, or problems with our employment.

Our happiness does not depend upon our earthly circumstances.

However, if our happiness is dependent upon situations in our lives turning out right, we will soon be disappointed. Our happiness does not depend upon our earthly circumstances.

God wants us to entrust the people and events of our lives into his hands. We can do everything in our power to make things come out “right,” and yet there are many aspects of our lives that we cannot control. God is in control of all things. We must take a step of faith and trust in his plans and purposes for our lives.

The Bible provides us with encouragement for this journey.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take. —Proverbs 3:5–6

And the LORD will continually guide you, and satisfy your desire in scorched places, and give strength to your bones; and you will be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water whose waters do not fail. —Isaiah 58:11, NASB

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. —Philippians 4:6–7

I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength. —Philippians 4:11–13

O LORD, I have come to you for protection; don’t let me be disgraced. Save me, for you do what is right. Turn your ear to listen to me; rescue me quickly. Be my rock of protection, a fortress where I will be safe. —Psalm 31:1–2

I trust in God, so why should I be afraid? —Psalm 56:11

Give your burdens to the Lord, and he will take care of you. —Psalm 55:22

Life doesn’t always make sense. I recently spoke with a young woman, age thirty-two, who lost her eyesight at age sixteen. Another woman in her early 40s, seriously crippled with rheumatoid arthritis, told me of her husband walking out on her. My friend’s twenty-four-year-old son died unexpectedly. Another good friend lost a daughter in a car collision. Yesterday, I heard about another friend, in his early 50s, who had a massive heart attack and died. I’m constantly hearing about crisis experiences that parents are having with their children. This is the stuff of life.

I have a long list of questions to ask Jesus when I see him; I’m sure you do too. In the meantime, we need to trust him.

And we need to develop that trust day-by-day. We need to trust God when life is good. We need to commit our days and our circumstances and our loved one into his hands. We need to trust him when we are happy and when life is peaceful, so that when a crisis comes, and we can be sure it will, we will have a trust that is sure.

Jesus said,

I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world. —John 16:33

The apostle Peter wrote,

Finally, all of you should be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude. Don’t repay evil for evil. Don’t retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and he will grant you his blessing.
—1 Peter 3:8–9

When we use God’s Word to help us set our goals, our lives have meaning and purpose, and we will experience the happiness and contentment we are longing for.

Questions for Reflection/Discussion:

1. In what ways do the goals you are presently pursuing incorporate the principle of a life lived for God?
2. What goals do you currently have that are focused on earthly accomplishments only?
3. What steps do you need to take in order to trust God more with every aspect of your life?

Memorize: Colossians 3:2–3

Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things. For … your life is now hidden with Christ in God.

I have found that there is nothing that seems to affect our happiness more than our close relationships, specifically those of marriage and parenting. Your marriage partner is typically more intimately involved in your life than anyone else and your children usually run a close second. However, it is important to remember that how we choose to relate and react to these people is just as important as any other situation or relationship.

Marriage

The Bible tells us, “A man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24, NASB). This “one flesh” relationship requires a physical and emotional intimacy that reveals who we really are. As we interact with one another, our own inadequacies will reveal themselves. What we choose to do with our own failures will make all the difference in the success or failure of the relationship.

The Apostle Paul challenged the Colossians with these words:

Now is the time to get rid of anger, rage, malicious behavior, slander, and dirty language. Don’t lie to each other, for you have stripped off your old sinful nature and all its wicked deeds. Put on your new nature, and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become like him … Christ is all that matters, and he lives in all of us. Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. —Colossians 3:8–10, 12–13

Your personal character and the choices you make in how you treat your spouse will affect your self-respect, and ultimately, your happiness. I have discovered several key ingredients to having a happier marriage relationship: commitment, cooperation, and submission.

Commitment

As I travel around the country, I am appalled at the number of people who are walking away from their marriages and calling it quits. Granted, some of their spouses have worked hard to make life miserable for them. However, when an individual approaches their role in marriage as Christ did toward the church, then they are committed to the responsibility for caring for their relationship.

There may be a period of time—sometimes even years—when someone has no choice but to stand by a totally rebellious, obnoxious, rejecting, or unfaithful spouse, whose behavior is not worthy of their loyalty. However, their own happiness will remain intact if they retain the will to make it work, even though all their efforts are rejected, trusting in God’s plan and purpose.

This goes contrary to our society. I am not talking here about abuse or neglect, but a relationship in which one person is not living up to their God-given responsibilities. A commitment when you are in this type of relationship is difficult and can only be managed by drawing upon God’s resources of strength and patience.

Cooperation

The apostle Paul wrote,

I appeal to you, dear brothers and sisters, by the authority of our Lord Jesus Christ, to live in harmony with each other…. Rather, be of one mind, united in thought and purpose. —1 Corinthians 1:10

The will to cooperate is an important key to experiencing happiness in a marriage relationship. Competition between partners will always leave someone in the “losing” position. Cooperation implies that both the husband and wife make a decision to dedicate time and effort into developing a mutually agreeable way of life.

Regular formal or informal meetings need to be held to assign responsibilities and develop policies, procedures, and rules that both can live with within the family. These meetings can be held in the car, the kitchen, the living room, while you are out riding your bicycles together—anywhere. But, two attitudes must exist when you engage in these meetings: (1) you desire to serve your partner, and (2) you agree to be bound by the decisions made by the partnership.

Daily effort, constant examination, and frequent changes will need to happen in order to keep your relationship going strong. Many couples do not take the time to discuss the different things that affect their relationship, and soon, discord creeps in. Maintain an attitude of cooperation in your marriage, and work at making it happen—whether your partner does or not.

Submission

The book of Ephesians contains this instruction: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21). There is no relationship where this is more important than in marriage.

However, no matter how committed you are to submitting to one another, it is inevitable that sooner or later you will become deadlocked over some decision. This is when a very important principle comes into play: Someone must have the last word.

In a business, it’s the president. In sports, it’s the coach. In school, it’s the teacher or the principal. In a marriage, it’s the husband. The Bible tells us in the very next verse following “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ,”

For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. —Ephesians 5:22–24

This does not mean the husband can be a tyrant or a bully. The Bible also has instructions for the husband!

For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. —Ephesians 5:25–28

In all decision-making, the wife should participate vigorously and forthrightly in the search for a mutually agreeable solution. The husband should think twice, or more, before going against his wife’s judgment. If the wife still disagrees with her husband’s tie-breaking decision, she should say so. The husband has two options when there is an impasse: 1) make the decision himself, or 2) ask his wife to make it. Once done, both husband and wife submit to the decision and do all in their power to make it work.

Whether husband or wife, a spirit of submission builds self-respect and a happy marriage. On the other hand, a spirit of selfishness or rebellion will chip away at the stability of the relationship.

Your own sense of happiness will grow in your marriage relationship as you remain committed, seek cooperation, and practice submission.

Parenting

If marriage is a source of happiness or dissatisfaction, then surely parenting holds the same power. Children bring a great deal of joy and fun to our lives. However, if there is anger or any other negative emotion in your heart or mind, your children will likely have a way of bringing it out of you.

With your children in mind, consider this passage of scripture:

Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically. Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. —Romans 12:9–12

Guiding children is a long, hard, demanding responsibility. But so is any rewarding job. Expending the energy to interact with one another is part of living. Parenthood is minimally a twenty-year-long haul. That is a long time to love someone with genuine affection and to rejoice in confident hope! But when we put into practice the principles we have learned throughout this book, we will find that God can be trusted to empower us with his Holy Spirit to love and teach and be patient with our children.

The demands of a child will keep you constantly aware of your own spirit, your own diligence, your own sincerity, and your own choices. Just as with a marriage relationship, I have found that the happiness we experience in our parenting can be helped by a few key principles: parenting requires a partnership and parenting takes energy.

Parenting Requires a Partnership

Guiding children requires that parents not only work together to set expectations and limits for their children, they must also work together to administer them. Parenting often is a continuous, ongoing test of the marriage partnership. Not only must expectations and limits be clearly identified, as your children grow older, the expectations and limits need to be adjusted. All of this requires commitment and cooperation between parents. It is important to remember that choices in this area of your life can and will have a dramatic effect on your happiness. You must not let your children dictate your emotions.

Setting limits and dealing with inevitable resistance from your children is a real test of a marriage partnership. You are either cooperating or competing over setting the limits and how to supervise them. When parents are competitors, they will likely have two sets of expectations and limits—one set when mom is in charge, another set when dad is around.

The result? Bedlam. The children will begin to play one parent against the other. Or one of the parents will withdraw entirely from the discipline process.

Setting limits and dealing with inevitable resistance
from your children is a real test of a marriage partnership.

As a parent, you are trying to accomplish what you believe is worthwhile and in the best interests of your child. If you hold on to your convictions, you will have enough commitment to see it through. You will either enjoy the job or it will irritate you. You will either cooperate with your partner or you will compete. You will either diligently rise to the demands of the job or you will neglect it. You must choose.

Parenting Takes Energy

King Solomon wrote these wise words:

Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it. —Proverbs 22:6

It seems to me that many parents today are just hoping their children will end up on the right path. Parenting requires that you actually do something. The Bible tells us to “direct [our] children onto the right path.” Directing takes energy. Directing takes thought. Directing requires an investment of your time. Directing means that you must interact with your children throughout the day and in all types of circumstances. Interacting with people is tiring, and children can be more tiring that a friend. There are good days and there are bad days. One day you have happy children. Another day it seems they are grumpy all day long.

In my mind, parents often act as the referees in a family. The referees keep the game going smoothly. They are expected to call the plays according to the rules (expectations and limits); to be impartial, consistent, and cool-headed. Their job can be tough or easy on any given day. It depends on the mood of the players, their skill, the importance of the game, even the weather. Some days there are only a few close calls and a few penalties. Other days, there can be many close and debatable calls and many penalties.

The referees respond to the demands of the game. They are in on every play. The game requires more or less of their effort, but the rules don’t change. And refereeing doesn’t preclude personal fulfillment. It’s part of it. The referees don’t bemoan the fact that they are not spectators. They love the job.

Like refereeing, directing children can be a tough job or an easy job on any given day. It depends on the mood of the children, who they are with, the importance of the problems that present themselves, and, yes, even the weather.

Some days, all goes smoothly. No one is stepping over the limits or challenging the expectations. Other days you blow the whistle constantly and are called upon to make some debatable decisions.

Directing our children isn’t something that interferes with our personal life—it’s part of our life. The wholehearted parent doesn’t bemoan the job, he or she loves it, and in return receives a happiness that is indescribable. Parenting requires that we accept our role and the never-ending surprises and frustrations that are a part of it.

Unity

Your marriage and family will become a happy, mutually satisfying experience if both of you set your sights on unity, ministering and communicating with each other and your children in the proper spirit. I have found that husbands and wives can be drawn closer together through honestly sharing with each other their experiences, thoughts, desires, longings, plans, and weaknesses. They individually need to inform, challenge, and inspire one another. The apostle Paul said:

Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. —Ephesians 4:31–32

Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. —Philippians 4:8

Are you willing to get rid of your harsh words … and your harsh attitudes? Are you willing to fix your thoughts on what is true and admirable? God is waiting to empower you. Trust the Holy Spirit to enable you to be the spouse and parent that your family needs you to be!

Questions for Reflection/Discussion:

1. As you consider your own marriage relationship, how are you doing in the areas of commitment, cooperation, and submission?
2. Honestly evaluate your role as the family “referee.” In what ways are you doing a good job and in what ways do you need to change your approach?
3. In what ways are you building unity within your family? What behaviors and words are you currently engaging in that actually are causing disunity in your family?

Memorize: Romans 12:9–12

Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically. Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying.

Our happiness is not something that happens to us. It is something you and I have control over. God’s Word has so much to teach us about how we can make choices that will help us to experience not only his perfect plan for our lives, but his peace and joy and contentment.

This book has been about choosing behavior, words, feelings and emotions, and goals that reflect God’s way of living, ways of living that will bring us happiness. You can join the ranks of people who find happiness no matter what their situation is. You can enjoy life in the face of a financial failure, a less than exciting marriage, or a job setback. You can handle maddening daily schedules and get beyond everyday frustrations. You can handle your lonely moments. You can experience happiness and contentment. Because God can empower you to choose to be happy.

It seems that each one of us believes that we are unique—no one else has ever faced the problem we are facing, no one else has ever lived with the person we need to live with, no one else has ever had to tolerate the crazy co-worker we deal with every day. And all of that is probably true. Each one of us is unique, and yet, a common thread binds us all together and runs through the fabric of our existences. We may not have the exact same circumstances, but the theme is common: disagreement between people, inner turmoil, and eventually retaliation or some other reaction to gain relief from our unhappiness. And we all like to place the cause of our distress outside of ourselves. We like to think that we have been mistreated or misunderstood and therefore we are relived of any responsibility to live right and to be a loving person.

But each one of us has a source of power, the Holy Spirit, and we have a guide book, the Bible. People have stumbled over the simple secrets of Christian living for centuries. However, many individuals who have received Christ as Savior still want to live as though they do not need a Savior. They continue to depend on personality, will power, charm intellectual power, influence, or authority—only to discover that human effort can only get them so far. What we need to do is unreservedly turn to God and his Word to be empowered to choose attitudes, behaviors, and words that will bring the peace and joy that only God can give.

We have spent the entirety of this book sharing accounts of individuals who lost sight of the right way to live … and many of them discovered that they were able to embrace God’s plans and purposes and redirect their situations.

By now I hope you know that your happiness does not depend on your circumstances or on what other people do. It depends on how you choose to meet every situation in your life.

Are You Willing to Embrace Your Own Behavior and Responses?

Joy talked a mile a minute. Her face was flushed, her muscles tense, her eyes flashed with anger. Her husband was a successful executive for a large company. She was involved in the community, the unofficial hostess at every church dinner, a woman who kept her home neat and efficient. She talked about everything, except the problem that had brought her to my office. She was a woman with many blessings, but Joy was anything but joyful.

“Joy—”

But she was not about to be stopped by the interruption of her counselor. She started quoting Scripture. Throughout her tirade she interjected again and again Isaiah 26:3, “You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!” I felt I was on the losing side of a filibuster, so I simply let her talk until she ran out of things to say.

Finally, she stopped talking. Then, since it was evident that her words concerning peace were not reflected in her life, I attempted to lead her back to discover what her words were hiding. I tried to guide her to the realization that she was a perfectionist who pushed herself to the limit every day and who became resentful when others stopped for a coffee break. I attempted to show her that she was trying to talk herself into being a happy person, but she was full of tension and anxiety from her annoyance with others.

We experience happiness when we yield to God
and allow his joy and peace to invade our souls.

As we continued to talk, she seemed to understand that peace was not a result of others’ conformity to her plans, but of receiving it from God. But then, she looked at me and dismissed everything we had been talking about by saying, “Oh, I’m just so confused.”

As it turned out, Joy always used this “confusion” as an excuse to turn away from facing herself. And whenever she became “confused,” she also suffered periods of depression.

As she left my office after our third session, I reminded her, “God is not the author of confusion” (see 1 Corinthians 14:33).

It took several more weeks before Joy was willing to admit the truth to herself. Something in her life was not right. She finally embraced the truth that she was a perfectionist who expected others to perform at her level. Step by step she went back over her life to identify points of confusion, times when anger and anxiety had ruled in her heart. Repenting of her resentments and forgiving others, she was able to refocus her attention on the Lord and trust him. The peace of God became a reality to her and she was transformed.

My conversations with many people over the years has taught me that we experience happiness when we yield to God and allow his joy and peace to invade our souls. There is no promise of a smooth life. We all face our share of perplexities. But we are not alone! We have a God who loves us and is waiting to fill us with his peace and joy. Are you willing to choose to live life God’s way?

Questions for Reflection/Discussion:

1. In what ways is God’s Word guiding you as you seek to experience happiness? What steps do you need to take to allow the Bible to influence you in a greater way?
2. As you have worked your way through this book, in what ways are you beginning to embrace your own behavior and responses to situations and individuals?
3. What principles from this book have had the greatest impact on you? How can you continue to live out these principles?

Memorize: Isaiah 26:3–4

You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you! Trust in the Lord always, for the LORD GOD is the eternal Rock.

Visit www.BiblicalCounselingInsights.com for more biblical counseling insights from Dr. Henry Brandt.