Apicontent

THOUGHT STARTER:

Why are Christians not in the least embarrassed over the absence of peace and rest in their lives?

“Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”
—John 14:27, NKJV

“These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”
—John 16:33, NKJV

Jesus clearly tells us that it is His intention for us to move through this world peacefully and cheerfully, untroubled and unafraid as long as we look to Him to enable us. With such a resource readily available, I am overwhelmed by the absence of personal peace and by the level of misery under which Christians are willing to live. Christians don’t seem the least embarrassed or hesitant to declare:

• “I’m under stress.”
• “I’m pretty anxious.”
• “I’m worried.”
• “I’m angry!”
• “I’m so unhappy.”
• “I can’t get along with him (her).”
• “I’m afraid.”

Christians all too frequently and unabashedly accept the word of secular mental health people who tell us that such conditions are socially and culturally caused and relief is to be found in the world. They are correct. Jesus Himself said you can find a kind of peace in the world. But He also said that we should look to Him, not to the world He created. I see many Christians adopt, without thinking, a “So-what?-Never-mind-what-Jesus-said” attitude and turn to the world in search of peace.

What will you do with Jesus and His words in this verse? He says you can have peace in this world by turning either to Him or to the world (your environment) that He created. The world offers the following to find peace: places, activities and events, things, and people.

Take a look at the places first.

WOW!  WHAT A BEAUTIFUL PLACE!

I stepped out of the car at the Horn Creek Conference Center in the mountains near Colorado Springs and took a big breath of clean mountain air. The spectacular Rocky Mountains rimmed the valley where I stood.

We all know that feeling of traveling a long way and experiencing the anticipation and then the excitement of arrival; that’s what I felt. Hiking in the mountains, walking beautiful trails, fishing in a stream, or just standing by a gorgeous waterfall are all a source of anticipated relaxation.

Recently I visited my son-in-law in Idaho. I sat in the living room and looked out over a golden grain field that extended out from the backyard. In the distance, I could see the foothills rising to meet the clear Idaho sky. From the front porch, you could see a pasture with sheep grazing. What a peaceful place this is!

Interacting alone with this magnificent creation can quiet one’s heart.

Unfortunately, conflict with one another, even in the most scenic places, will steal away that peace.

A couple experiencing serious marital problems was to go on a vacation somewhere. So the husband surprised his wife with a first-class deluxe Caribbean cruise. The drive to the boat dock was pleasant as they anticipated all the fun they would have on the ship for a week in the sun.

When they entered their small narrow stateroom, the husband quickly changed into his loudest multi-colored shirt (which his wife intensely disliked), threw the first shirt on the floor in the corner (she liked to keep a neat house), and pressured his wife with, “Honey, will you please hustle it up!” (He liked to be on time and she was always late.) On the deck, he, being an extrovert, began to loudly introduce himself to people. She, being an introvert, was embarrassed by his loudness and his awful shirt. They both wanted to accomplish something in their relationship that they couldn’t do at home. Needless to say, the Caribbean cruise was a disaster because they brought themselves along.

Sadly, we all know that peace inside an individual is not determined by being in a place.

LET’S GO FOR IT!

You can feel fulfilled by being involved in study programs in a wide variety of schools, colleges, institutes, and universities. You can feel challenged by the pursuit of a career or hobbies, learning a skill, becoming involved in a cause, attending an event, helping with charitable work, becoming involved in an exercise or weight loss program, or even working long and diligent hours in Christian work. Many activities can give satisfaction and pleasure to the participants without their giving God a thought.

I met a prominent lawyer who was to introduce me as a banquet speaker. I asked him how he became a Christian. He told me he was a star athlete and the top student in high school. When he received his diploma, he was disappointed. He thought there would be more satisfaction than he experienced. He entered Harvard College and received recognition and satisfaction from playing on the varsity football team. In the classroom, he was a top student. But when he received his diploma, he was disappointed not to experience satisfaction from this accomplishment. So he looked eagerly to law school at Yale, completing that program with top honors. Once again, receiving his diploma left him with a vague feeling of emptiness and the thought that there must be more to life than this. When he received an invitation to join the prestigious law firm of his choice, his career was off to a good start. Then he and his wife designed and built their dream house. They looked forward to the day they would take possession; when that day came, there was no joy. There was an emptiness that career and marriage could not fill.

He looked straight at me. “At that time I met a businessman with serenity about him that caught my attention. In a conversation over lunch one day, I asked him why he seemed so content with life. He is the one who introduced me to the resources that are available to us from God. And that’s why I am here to introduce you, Dr. Brandt.”

The attorney found the basic flaw in depending on activities and events: they eventually end and leave you empty.

IT WILL MAKE ME HAPPY!

This amazing world is filled with interesting things that can satisfy a restless heart and bring peace and contentment. We are all familiar with the calming effect of a pleasurable drive in a car. House furnishings, TVs, DVD players, and stereos are pleasurable adult toys.

Most of us can recall happy moments enjoying a delicious meal together. Buying clothes, looking after the hair, the face, and the body are pleasant activities. The lawn, flowers, bushes, trees, and shrubs can provide hours of enjoyment and relaxation. Alcohol is the oil that eliminates social friction. Swallowing pills can calm you down or pick you up.

I was working overseas with a gentleman who was a highly successful and prominent engineer. He invited me to his home. His driveway was a quarter of a mile long; as we approached the house, I saw the six-car garage with a car in each one. The home had a butler, a chauffeur, a gardener, two maids, a nanny, and a cook. The acreage was large and very private, with a horse stable, swimming pool, and tennis court. We had our own private accommodations in a separate wing of the house. He had everything money could buy, but his family was in shambles.

At a family life conference where I had spoken during the previous year, he realized his life was empty and that during the accumulation of all his wealth he had neglected his wife and family. At the conference, he had committed to establish a positive relationship with his family.

My purpose during this visit, a year after his first conference, was to see if I could help overcome some of the barriers that separated him from his wife and family. Sadly, as it turned out, his wife was not even willing to consider a closer relationship with him at this time.

Here was the display of all the things money could buy. It was also a stark reminder that there are some things money cannot buy: the spirit of love, joy, peace, and kindness flowing back and forth between parents, partners, and children. Today he remains committed to his goal with his family, but it may take a long time.

CAN ANYTHING BEAT FRIENDSHIP?

An obvious pathway to find relief from tension and stress is to pour out our thoughts and feelings to a sympathetic listener. I’ve spent most of my life as a counselor, and I can assure you that you can find relief through counseling and therapy without giving God a thought.

A newspaper report on a conference for the survivors of suicides featured one mother’s story. Her world ended on the day her son killed himself. She told other survivors of suicides that their feelings of anguish, anger, and guilt are normal. Eventually, she allowed her feelings of guilt to wash away when her therapist helped her realize she wasn’t to blame.¹

One human being helping another: a pat on the back, a friendly hug, or a compliment from someone you care about is delightfully soothing.

WHY DOESN’T IT WORK?

I have attempted to create a picture of the finest and best features in this wonderful world. The humanist is right: this world contains ample resources that, coupled with the best efforts of caring people, should result in a world full of satisfied, happy people. But, alas, there is a flaw in this beautiful picture.

You would think you could find continuous satisfaction, peace, and enjoyment from family life, social life, friendships, school and church associates, and professional contacts without giving God a thought.

As I reflect across the last decade, the death of my first wife Eva interrupted that human fellowship. I married again and three years later my wife Marcey died suddenly. Jim Baker, one of my best friends who traveled with me all over the world, suddenly died of a brain aneurysm; he was only fifty-two. Art DeMoss, a fifty-three-year-old businessman with whom I shared ministry assignments many times, died of a heart attack on the tennis court. A college official whom I respected greatly suddenly announced that he was resigning his position, divorcing his wife, and marrying someone else. Just several weeks ago, a tearful young lady with two young children told me that her husband had announced that he was leaving her. No warning. No explanation.

Time, on September 15, 1986, reported that the health cost of drug abuse was estimated by one National Center for Health Statistics study at 59.7 billion dollars. The medical bill for alcohol abuse was estimated at an astonishing 146.7 billion dollars. [As of 2002, drug abuse costs had increased to 180.9 billion² and alcohol abuse costs to 185 billion.³]

Earlier in this chapter, I wrote optimistically about the pleasures of courtship that deepens into a happy, lifetime marriage. Present reality shatters that beautiful hope. [In 2008, there were 2,157,000 marriages and 844,000 divorces in the U.S.⁴]

I wrote of the benefits of friendship, cooperation, teamwork, and recognition. To my dismay, I listen daily to a recital of the failure of human effort, of marriage partners who have deceived and cheated each other. We have become accustomed to reports of lying, cheating, and stealing in business and politics. There is strife and discord at every level of life—from the boardroom to the classroom to the family room.

The Florida legislature has struggled with what to do to halt teenage pregnancy. About twenty-five thousand teenagers gave birth in Florida the year before I wrote this course, costing more than 125 million dollars in subsidized health care and welfare payments. More than one million teenagers became pregnant that same year in our country, and almost half chose to have abortions. Ninety-two percent of these pregnancies were unintended.

In this wonderful world, families are breaking up, incidents of child abuse and other family violence are growing, and delinquency, theft, murder, and crime, escalating venereal diseases, and emotional disorders threaten our survival. There are multitudes starving to death and nations destroying each other.

Finding relief from tension is what some may think of as peace. People often turn to friendship, fellowship, challenges, opportunities, travel, and materialism, but they are as illusive as turning to drugs and alcohol. Initially, there is hope, comfort, pleasure, but sooner or later our efforts turn to ashes and result in increased loneliness, grief, tension, or bitterness.

The Humanist Manifesto II says:

Happiness and the creative realization of human needs and desires, individually and in shared enjoyment, are continuous themes of humanism. . . Critical intelligence, infused by a sense of human caring, is the best method that humanity has for resolving problems.. . . (p. 18)

It seems clear to me that the finest human effort in a magnificent world is not enough to quiet the human heart in times of trouble and stress.

Jesus said:

“These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33, NKJV)

Based on all the options we have in going after peace, we should take careful note when Jesus gently tells us to turn to Him for peace. We can turn to Him, and not the world, if the peace we seek is to be deeply satisfying and lasting.

As long as you are busy, you may not notice a lack of peace. When you slow down, it can become a glaring reality.

DISCUSSION STARTERS

• Review the thought starter at the beginning of the chapter. What thoughts were started?
• Review the lead Bible verse. What does it say to you? Did you observe yourself in relation to the verse? Did you observe others in relation to the verse? Did you find any additional verses?
• What is your response to the lesson at the end of the chapter?

1. If Jesus said we can have peace in this world, in your opinion, why are many Christians living without it?
2. How do you find satisfaction and relaxation to relieve your tension?
   • In a place?
   • In activities and events?
   • In things?
   • In people?
3. What are the distinctions between relief and cure? Similarities?
4. When have you been most at peace with yourself?
5. How has the world disappointed you?

THOUGHT STARTER:

Why do people blame their present behavior on their past experiences?

“Beware lest anyone cheat you through philosophy and empty deceit, according to tradition of men, according to the basic principles of the world, and not according to Christ. For in Him dwells all the fullness of the Godhead bodily; and you are complete in Him, who is the head of all principality and Power.”
—Colossians 2:8-10, NKJV

Malcolm and Dorothy sit, stone-faced, across from the counselor in the consulting room, with an invisible wall between them. They are very busy Christians who have been married for twenty-two miserable years.

She says that he does not treat her like a doormat but like the dirt under a doormat! She would do anything in the world for him, she says: “If only he would show some appreciation and give me just a little bit of affection and tenderness. But no, he just takes me for granted. AII he wants is for me to wash his clothes, cook his meals, and keep the house. He is a very proud, selfish, bad-tempered man given to very loud yelling.”

To show how inconsiderate he is, she told how he bought her the Lincoln she drives when he knew perfectly well that she wanted a Cadillac. She must even beg him for a meager allowance. But today, the counselor looks at a well-groomed, elegantly dressed lady and observes that underneath the expensive clothing is a very hostile, bitter woman.

They live in a large, professionally decorated, color-coordinated, beautifully furnished and landscaped house. They could not wish for a better air-conditioned place in which to carry on their bitter relationship. Their two children live on the opposite side of the country and as far away from their parents as they could get. The maid does her best to avoid getting chewed out by either one of them.

Malcolm sits there shaking his head, teeth clenched, as he listens to her side of the story. When it is his turn he describes her as a spoiled, selfish, demanding person. From the start of their marriage, everything had to go her way, from keeping the house, to when they ate, choosing friends and activities, raising the children, choosing their clothes, and on and on. He finally gave up on her and concentrated
on developing his business. He let her run the house and the family. He had his territory; she had hers. Their buffer zone was the children.

Now the children are gone and all that is left between them is mutual hostility and strong differences of opinion.

Malcolm had been raised in a lower-class European family where the father called all the shots and the women followed instructions. His father had a violent temper and would abuse the family verbally and sometimes physically. Malcolm is much like his father, except he never physically abused anyone. He admits to being self-centered.

Dorothy grew up in an upper-middle-class home. She had very few limits, was quite self-centered, and often pouted when she couldn’t have her way. She could be called a spoiled child. Her parents provided a stable home and her mother tended to dominate the family.

Obviously there is more to each of their histories. But at this point, she will only admit to being a misunderstood lady and this brings great frustration to her.

When this couple began to seek help, they could have turned to a counselor with either a humanist or a biblical perspective. The two approaches would be quite different.

BLAME YOUR BACKGROUND

The study of how humans affect or help one another is humanism.

Webster’s dictionary defines humanism as:

A doctrine, set of attitudes, a way of life centered upon human interests or values; a philosophy that rejects supernaturalism, regards man as a natural object, and asserts the essential dignity and worth of man and his capacity to achieve self-realization through the use of reason and scientific method.

Although the name is current, humanism, as a philosophy of life, is nothing new. Rejecting God and centering a way of life and a way of thinking around man’s interests and values has been around since the beginning of time.

In graduate school, my professors identified a rather predictable response caused by growing up in a restrictive environment. They identified a poor start in life as one that hinders self-expression, frustrates pleasure needs, and provides wrong reinforcers.

They taught that the consequences of growing up in this type of environment are adults who will respond to the circumstances of life with the following ways: hostility, resentment, hate, pessimism, fear, doubt, perplexity, conflict, confusion, pain, depression, indifference, cruelty, lack of generosity, rage, oppression of others.

Time magazine featured an article entitled “The Burnout of Almost Everyone”:

They describe the stages of burnout, progressing from intense enthusiasm and job satisfaction, to exhaustion, physical illness, acute anger and depression. Even the best worker, when thwarted, will swallow his rage; it then turns into a small private conflagration, an internal fire in his engine room.¹

According to these authors, the consequence to adults of being thwarted (i.e., not getting their own way) by other adults (i.e., husbands and wives) are rage and hostility, resulting in physical illness, depression, and tension headaches.

No doubt people who struggle with the responses listed above do come from faulty family backgrounds, unloving relationships, difficult experiences, and situations in which there was little opportunity given to express themselves.

Furthermore, given proper alteration in the people, circumstances, and social conditions that surround an individual, changes can occur without giving God a thought. Or counseling, done by trained, caring, kindly people, and followed up by appropriate changes, can bring great relief to an anxious, confused person. If you want relief, you can find it in this wonderful world. Who needs God?

A change of location or the removal of a troublesome person can give relief to an anxious person. That is relief, not healing. Alcohol can quiet a hostile, bitter heart, but it only gives relief, not healing.

If the couple we described at the beginning of this chapter would turn to a humanist counselor for help, the counselor would develop a detailed study of their backgrounds, their stormy marriage, and their response to each other at present. From this information, the counselor would help them understand how their backgrounds have shaped their outlook on life, what their needs are, what ways they are frustrating each other’s needs, and what adjustments can be made in order to satisfy each other’s needs.

Hopefully, as Dorothy gains some understanding of both her needs and Malcolm’s, and senses that he is making adjustments with her needs in mind, her anger and bitterness will be calmed and she will experience some peace of mind, become more hopeful, more affectionate, and more desirous of meeting his needs.

As Malcolm gains some understanding of his and Dorothy’s needs, makes some adjustments on her behalf, and senses that she is seeking to meet his needs, his quarrelsomeness and hot temper will cool. They can then develop a friendship and discover the joy of living as he works to meet her needs.

Just imagine how relieved these people would be if the counselor could help them in this way.

I emphasize that they can find blessed relief by following this approach, but not a change of heart.

What causes change as a result of relief? We could compare this change to the relief experienced if you take a pain pill. Change happens swiftly. You get relief but not healing. Isn’t it good to get relief? Of course, as long as you don’t kid yourself and you understand it is relief and not healing.

Recently I learned a lesson about the quick, comforting effect of drugs. I had a tooth pulled and it developed what my dentist called a “dry socket.” My jaw became infected and it spread to the side of my face so that at any one moment I experienced incredible, unbearable pain around my eye, ear, sinuses, jaw, and throat. The pain was so intense that I was ready to do anything for some relief!

My dentist handed me an envelope containing some little pills. After swallowing one, the pain gradually disappeared. To maintain freedom from pain, all I had to do was keep swallowing those pills.

Everyone knows that pain pills do not cure the source of the pain. Healing must also happen. So I knew that the condition of my jaw had not changed. But that didn’t matter. I would have paid any price for those pills. (This incident was a clear lesson to me of how easily anyone can become dependent on pills for a sense of well-being.) Having one’s needs met, similarly, brings relief, not healing.

Our couple could seek out a Christian who is trained in humanistic counseling, who would proceed in the same methods as the humanistic counselor. They could seek out a biblical counselor, who would also recognize that the woman’s anger, her bitter response to her husband, and his quarrelsomeness and nasty temper were barriers to a healthy marriage. The humanist would say these responses are socially caused. The Bible-based counselor would call them sin.

BLAME SIN

Finding relief from sin instead of obtaining cleansing is a cruel trap. Like my situation with the pain pill, I am comfortably sick. Relief from sin allows me to be comfortably separated from God.

A follower of Jesus takes the subject of sin seriously. We do indeed face very serious social problems. If it is sin that is the cause, there couldn’t be any better news: There is a cure for sin.

Many years ago, I contracted malaria; I alternately perspired and shivered, my joints ached, and I struggled with a high fever. One of the missionaries said, “It’s only malaria. Take these pills and go to bed. Tomorrow you will be better.” Sure enough, it worked.

Several years later my wife and her friend, who traveled with us in a part of Africa, became very ill after we returned home to the United States. They had the same malaria symptoms that I had previously, and they tried to tell their doctor what it was. He wouldn’t listen, hospitalized them, and subjected them to a variety of tests and x-rays. In the meantime, they both suffered with high fever, chills, and pain. Three days later, the doctor consulted a tropical medicine specialist who diagnosed malaria. He prescribed the same pills I had taken and in one day they were better. They went through five days of unnecessary suffering because the doctor didn’t know what to treat.

Dealing with sin is like that. The cure is swift and sure if you use the proper diagnosis and proper treatment. You can suffer greatly from the ravages of sin while you are sincerely and carefully trying to correct the suffering by following the wrong diagnosis and the wrong treatment.

In the case of my wife and her friend, the doctor had never seen malaria and therefore tried to find a cause familiar to him.

The same can happen when one deals with symptoms the Bible calls sin. There is no debate about the symptoms; everyone agrees on what they are. What is debatable is the cause.

The Bible says contention and outbursts of anger are works of the flesh or sin. If one or both people in a disagreement accept this diagnosis, they will turn Godward, confess their sins, repent, and receive forgiveness, cleansing, and renewal.

If they reject the diagnosis as sin and believe the very same symptoms are socially or culturally caused, they will proceed to investigate exposure to family, friends, church, community, etc., for an explanation.

Dr. S. I. McMillen, a long-time friend of mine, spent many years studying the biblical principles and directions on living in Jewish and Christian writings. As a result of this research he wrote a bestseller called None of These Diseases, which describes the physical consequences of wrong living. He pointed out that there may be sin in the picture when aches and pains show up:

Peace does not come in capsules! This is regrettable because medical science recognizes that emotions such as fear, sorrow, envy, resentment, and hatred are responsible for the majority of our sicknesses. Estimates vary from 60 percent to nearly 100 percent. Emotional stress can cause high blood pressure, toxic goiter, migraine headaches, arthritis, apoplexy, heart trouble, gastrointestinal ulcers, and other serious diseases too numerous to mention.

As physicians we can prescribe medicine for the symptoms of these diseases, but we cannot do much for the underlying cause—emotional turmoil. It is lamentable that peace does not come in capsules. We need something more than a pill for the disease-producing stresses of the man has lost his life savings, the tearful feminine soul who has been jilted, the young father who has inoperable cancer, the woman whose husband is a philanderer, the distraught teenager with a facial birthmark, and the schemer who lies awake at night trying to think of ways to get even with his neighbor. . No one can appreciate so fully as a doctor the amazingly large percentage of human disease and suffering which is directly traceable to worry fear, conflict, immorality, dissipation, and ignorance—to unwholesome thinking and unclean living. The sincere acceptance of the principles and teachings of Christ with respect to the life of mental peace and joy, the life of unselfish thought and clean living, would at once wipe out more than half the difficulties, diseases, and sorrow, of the human race.²

A Christian with a biblical perspective and a Christian with a humanistic perspective can both be sincere, committed people who are looking at the same situation, but they will come up with different causes and different solutions.

Alexander Pope described how sin captures us:

Vice is a monster of so frightful mean,
As to be hated needs but to be seen;
Yet seen too oft, familiar with her face,
We first endure, then pity, then embrace.

Humanistic thinking can be like that. First, we study it in order to understand it. Then we shake our heads in disagreement, then listen some more to be sure we heard correctly, and finally, unknowingly begin to absorb it.

If you are dealing with sin, you must turn to the creator and savior for cleansing, strengthening, and changing. If it is sin, society didn’t put it into you; society only stirs up what is already in you. If it is sin, society can’t help you. It requires a supernatural cure.

If you want relief, you can find it in this world. If you want a cure, only God can help you. As Tournier says, there is no human cure for sin.

The couple in this lesson became my clients. They had been to three counselors before coming to “last-resort Brandt.” One counselor was a humanist and not a Christian, and the other two were “Christian humanists.” The counselors had actually worked with the couple individually and had gone into a detailed study of both their backgrounds, reviewing their twenty-year history of antagonism and discord. The couple came away from the counselors with the verdict that they had irreconcilable differences and divorce was the only solution.

But during the time with each previous counselor, the woman had come away from each session greatly relieved. She was appreciative of their understanding, kindness, and willingness to listen to her. She felt that they understood she was ready to change, but that her husband wouldn’t cooperate. She felt that the counselors understood why she was bitter and hostile under the circumstances with which she had to live.

The husband was very disgusted with the whole process. He tolerated going only for the sake of the marriage. In his opinion, they just sided with her and did not really grasp what a problem she had created for him in their marriage. So, as a result, she was helped in finding great relief for herself, but the marriage was actually worse.

It was immediately evident to me that she had two problems: first, a personal problem of sin in the areas of anger and bitterness and second, the marriage.

He had two problems also: first, the personal problem of sin in the areas of quarrelsomeness and a nasty temper and second, the marriage.

They turned to God for their solution and in six weeks they were behaving like honeymooners! Interestingly, I never did talk to them about their marriage.

I am not trying to say that their marriage problems evaporated. Normally, newlyweds would not have a smooth marriage either. They had many details to work out as they started their new life. What I am saying is that they now approached their problems without hostility, quarreling, and yelling as they allowed the Lord to give them peaceful, loving, and joyful hearts. At that point they didn’t need me and were quite capable of approaching their marriage problems in a friendly fashion and began to solve them.

This is the Christian miracle of the cleansed life.

Examine yourself. Are you a Christian who turns to God for help? Are you a Christian and a partial humanist who turns to the environment for relief from sin? Are you a humanist who accepts scientific investigation only and rejects the biblical record?

Here is God’s promise again:

“I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” (Jeremiah 29:11-13, NIV)

If we have a plan for our life and God says He has a plan for our life, whose plan is better?

My environment can give me relief from sin; only the Lord can cure it.

DISCUSSION STARTERS

• Review the thought starter at the beginning of the chapter. What thoughts were started?
• Review the lead Bible verse. What does it say to you? Did you observe yourself in relation to the verse? Did you observe others in relation to the verse? Did you find any additional verses?
• What is your response to the lesson at the end of the chapter?

1. Why do people blame their present behavior on their past experiences?
2. How would you define humanism?
3. Give examples of how people can help others obtain relief.
4. What does it mean to be “complete in Him”?
5. What is wrong with relief?
6. How can Dorothy and Malcolm develop a satisfying relationship?

THOUGHT STARTER:

Can you explain the change in some people’s lives when they become Christians?

“Men can only reproduce human life, but the Holy Spirit gives new life from heaven; so don’t be surprised at my statement that you must be born again!”
—John 3:6-7, LB

“Now if I am doing what I don’t want to, it is plain where the trouble is:
sin still has me in its evil grasp.”
—Romans 7:20, LB)

I have spent over forty years counseling people from a biblical perspective. I work with disturbed people. My first serious encounter with a disturbed person was with myself.

I grew up in a church environment. During my late teens, I said to myself, “I don’t need a bunch of rules to run my life, let alone a bunch of rules that keep me from having fun!”

I had some friends who taught me how much fun I could have with alcohol. I hit the bars, the parties, the streets, and the homes of my friends (when the parents were gone!). Mixed in with all this was considerable girl chasing. My mission in life was to entice “religious” young people away from church and into the “good life.” I had been successful with my share of converts at the bar. Those were wonderful fun-filled years, but such a life was also the broad road to destruction.

My way of life came to an abrupt halt. Three of my drinking buddies burned to death in a fiery head-on collision. One of my friends, a brilliant young lady, committed suicide. The heavy-drinking, kindly man who ran the pool room, one of my local hang-outs, slammed his car into a telephone pole one night and was killed instantly. Lastly, I was fired from my job because I returned from lunch drunk one day.

Right after all this happened, Bill, one of my best friends and the heaviest drinker of all, suddenly announced that he had become a Christian. He had wandered into a Christian meeting by accident and stayed to hear the speaker. God’s Holy Spirit touched his heart. He went forward at the end of the meeting and publicly invited Christ to take over his life and heart and to deal with his sin. He told me later, “I felt like I was the only guy the speaker was talking to!”

Virtually overnight, Bill demonstrated that he was finished with my kind of life. He went to church twice on Sunday and every Wednesday. He dated only “Christian” girls. He limited his activities to swimming, hiking, tennis, ice skating, and skiing. In order to continue my friendship with him, I was forced to accept his way of life.

For a few months, I lived on both sides of the fence. Bill and I had long arguments about his faith and his changed life. I argued fervently on behalf of the old way of life—the rollicking nights, the warmth of kindred spirits, and good fellowship in our favorite bars! I could just as well have been talking to the wall. Bill’s change wasn’t temporary. He turned a deaf ear to my fervent, earnest efforts to save him from a restrictive, limited, narrow life.

ENCOUNTER WITH THE STOVE MAN

One afternoon I staggered home drunk and dropped off to sleep on a couch. A Christian businessman, who had come to sell my mother a stove, shook me awake. He read me a simple tract about receiving Christ. I had heard this familiar old story all my life. He asked me to pray with him, and in a drunken stupor, I asked the Lord to come into my heart. I then rolled over and went back to sleep!

Later in the evening, when I awoke, I didn’t remember the encounter with the stove man and I was not aware of any change. My only thought was to return to my favorite bar; however, that night the people around the bar seemed to be babbling, slurring their words, and talking foolishly. The bartender was carelessly sloshing the glasses in dirty water. The room was smoke-filled and unbearably noisy. I didn’t have fun that night.

I found myself at the beginning of the end of my drinking days. In a matter of weeks, I longed for Bill’s way of life. The old way simply died away. I didn’t even remember the encounter with the stove salesman until I began looking back later on my changed behavior.

What followed in my life proved to me with abundant clarity that God will answer a sincere call for help even if the prayer is mumbled by someone who drinks too much, who slurs his words, and whose memory is blurred. Looking back on that event years ago, all I can remember of the discussion with the man in our living room is that what he said seemed to make sense.

I have a Ph.D. in marriage and the family and have spent my life studying, teaching, and counseling in the area of Christian living. Today, forty years later, I still cannot totally explain what happened to me when I was “born again,” or even why it happened to me. When Nicodemus, one of the smartest and most educated men of his day, asked Jesus, “What in the world are you talking about when you say, ‘born again’?” Jesus replied:

“What I am telling you so earnestly is this: Unless one is born of water and the Spirit, he cannot enter the Kingdom of God. Men can only reproduce human life, but the Holy Spirit gives new life from heaven; so don’t be surprised at my statement that you must be born again! Just as you can hear the wind but can’t tell where it comes from or where it will go next, so it is with the Spirit. We do not know on whom he will next bestow this life from heaven.” (John 3:5-8, LB)

“Now if I am doing what I don’t want to, it is plain where the trouble is: sin still has me in its evil grasp.” (Romans 7:20, LB)

MY BIGGEST PROBLEM

Several dramatic changes occurred in my behavior when I first became a Christian, but over a period of several years my sense of closeness to the Lord began to fade. Marriage, parenthood, and job revealed deeper life problems of anger, bitterness, hostility, and pride.

My boss was a harsh, cussing man. Day after day he would scowl as he scanned the engineering department from his glass-walled office. Stuffing his mouth with a huge chunk of tobacco, he would yell, “Brandt!” And that was all it took! Anger would well up within me and I was a goner! It worked every time; I was helpless. Even before his merciless tongue-lashings, I would be brimming with hostility and wounded pride.

How could I vent my feelings toward him? I would have found myself out in the street! As a result of keeping my anger inside, it spilled over into my relationships with my wife, my son, and my associates.

I was filled with regret over the things I said and did. Telling myself to stop didn’t help. I tried everything I could to find relief: taking a walk, griping to a friend, playing tennis, yelling at my wife or tiny son. I even consciously thought about swearing and drinking again—typical regressive behavior! I even tried looking into my neglected Bible.

I quickly found out that Bible reading was not easy. I couldn’t scan the Bible and ignore parts of it like reading a newspaper. What I read was disturbing, but some of it slipped into my mind and I found myself comparing my behavior to the verses that I read.

I came upon a verse that got my attention:

“Stop being mean, bad-tempered, and angry. Quarreling, harsh words, and dislike of others should have no place in your lives. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God has forgiven you because you belong to Christ.” (Ephesians 4:31-32, LB)

I spent several months contemplating those verses. They made me mad! The more
I thought about forgiving my boss, my family, and my associates, the more reasons
I found for not forgiving them. I easily justified my hatred and anger. Why should
I be kind and tenderhearted toward them? Such an idea infuriated me!

Eventually, I came to the conclusion that the Bible was right. I told myself: “I will quit being hateful and angry toward these people.” But as the days passed, I made
a scary and frustrating discovery: I couldn’t quit! When my boss yelled at me or my wife didn’t do what I asked her to do, my response was automatic: intense anger!
I could cover it up, put a smile on my face, and control my speech, but just underneath the surface was a furious response.

My resentment toward the Bible intensified. Here was a book that required something I didn’t want to do and couldn’t do even after I decided to do it!

I identified with the Apostle Paul when he described himself:

“When I want to do good, I don’t; and when I try not to do wrong, I do it anyway. Now if I am doing what I don’t want to, it is plain where the trouble is, sin still has me in its evil grasp.” (Romans 7:19-20, LB)

As I continued to thumb through my Bible, I stumbled upon some verses which hit me right between the eyes:

“Not that we are in any way confident of our own resources—our ability comes from God. It is He who makes us competent administrators of the new agreement, and we deal not in the letter but in the Spirit. The letter of the Law leads to the death of the soul, the Spirit of God alone can give life to the soul.”
(2 Corinthians 3:5-6, Phillips)

My response to those verses was troubled. Why couldn’t I depend upon my own resources for living? I earned an education without God’s help. I obtained a job and promotions. By my own will, I managed to meet the demands of life. It appeared to me that I could do some things on my own!

MY STRENGTH COMES FROM HIM

After a long struggle, I realized that what I could not do is live up to the spirit of Christianity. I could live up to “the letter” by acting kind, tenderhearted, and forgiving. But I found that acting killed something in me; it was death to my soul. The Christian life was not the development of my acting ability! The Christian life was God’s Spirit living His life in me.

After admitting that my own resources were not enough, I faced other spiritual obstacles: Why did my fellowship with Jesus fade after my conversion? Why did God seem so distant, so unconcerned? Worst of all, why did God sometimes seem not to exist at all?

The Bible met all my questions with a single answer:

“Listen now! The Lord isn’t too weak to save you. And he isn’t getting deaf! He can hear you when you call! But the trouble is that your sins have cut you off from God. Because of sin He has turned his face away from you and will not listen anymore.” (Isaiah 59:1-2, LB)

The Bible put the finger on the problem: sin was keeping me at a distance from the Lord. Those verses that disturbed me said it all:

“Stop being mean, bad tempered, and angry. . . harsh words and dislike of others have no place in our lives.” (Ephesians 4:31, LB)

These were the sins that made God seem so distant to me. My boss and family didn’t cause them; they were only used to reveal them in me.

Since only God could cleanse me from sin, I asked Him to cleanse my heart. I also asked the Lord for help because I knew I couldn’t help myself. I couldn’t love my boss or my wife or my little boy. Oh, yes, I could seem loving, but that’s not the same as being loving on the inside. The turning point came when I admitted to God that I was helpless and asked Him to give me His love for my boss when he was yelling at me. The next day on the way to work I again appealed to God to take away the intense anger when my boss yelled at me and give me His love for my boss.

Although I could not see any outward changes in my life, I remember very well the day when my boss, his jaw loaded with tobacco, shouted, “Brandt!” and to my surprise, I wasn’t mad at him. For the first time that I could remember, the smile on my face reflected my spirit. What an incredible experience for me! I’m not trying to say that I entrusted every day to the Lord. But every day that I did, I found the Lord was always there.

A few weeks later, my boss yelled at me again: “Brandt! Come in here!” By now he amused me. I actually enjoyed watching him! Let me tell you! What a different experience it was when there was joy in my heart! I could watch an old crab and not become a crab myself! It was wonderful to be released from that trap. I walked into his office feeling friendly and relaxed. I asked, “What do you want?” And he said, “What’s gotten into you? You’ve been in a good mood lately!”

As the days went by my boss still yelled, but I was not mad at him. It was a miracle. First came cleansing; then came strength—a strength not my own but God’s.

I cannot change what I am deep down inside; only God can. I can only change surface actions. I have a human tendency to idealistically view myself: I think I can change my behavior if I am just determined enough. This thinking leads to some great acting, but not to a changed and cured heart. I may feel that I must add to the finished work of Christ, but when Jesus said, “It is finished!” (John 19:30, NKJV)—He meant it.

Only Jesus lived the Christian life. Only Jesus in control of our hearts will enable us to live the Christian life today. Every day that I yielded to Him, I found the Lord was always there. And across these years, the principle that we can live the Christian life with God in control and win against sin has made a tremendous difference in my life.

The Christian life is not difficult, but impossible to live on our own.

DISCUSSION STARTERS

• Review the thought starter at the beginning of the chapter. What thoughts were started?
• Review the lead Bible verse. What does it say to you? Did you observe yourself in relation to the verse? Did you observe others in relation to the verse? Did you find any additional verses?
• What is your response to the lesson at the end of the chapter?

1. What is the difference between the letter and the spirit of the law?
2. Do all your problems go away when you are “born again”?
3. Why did I use the word revealed instead of caused when I said that my marriage, parenthood, and job revealed my anger, bitterness, hostility, and pride?
4. What is wrong with self-control?
5. In 2 Corinthians 5:17, what is new? Can you find the answer in 2 Corinthians 5:18?
6. What can you do to find relief from sin?

THOUGHT STARTER:

If you don’t know what sin is, you will inevitably suffer from its effects and probably wonder why!

“The wages of sin is death.” —Romans 6:23, NKJV

“He will save His people from their sins.” —Matthew 1:21, NKJV

One day I walked out to the plant with another engineer named Al. He said, “You seem to be happier lately, and you don’t enter into the gripe sessions about the boss anymore. What happened?” He took me by surprise. I had no idea there was any noticeable change since I had asked Christ to take away my anger. I made a feeble effort to explain my quest for help, but as a young Christian, I didn’t understand what had happened very clearly myself.

“Can you help my wife and me? We are two miserable people,” he said.

Well, my struggle had been very personal to me. I had no interest in getting involved in other people’s lives. But his question was a challenge. Since I did research routinely as part of my work, I asked him to give me some time to study and research what had happened to me.

TELLING OTHERS ABOUT THE CHANGE IN ME

Finally, I had worked up a presentation and told him I was ready. My wife Eva and I invited Al and his wife to come to our house for one evening. When we sat down together, I reminded them that this “change” in my life only happened a few weeks ago. I had no idea how long it would last. Briefly, I told them that several years ago I had asked Jesus to come into my life and save me from my sins. Lately, I had asked Him to cleanse the anger and hate out of my heart, and as I understood it, He gave me the strength to be kind and tenderhearted on a daily basis.

I told them, “To tell the truth, I feel rather foolish telling you this. It seems as if I should be able to manage my own life, but I can’t.”

They both had tears in their eyes. They thought it was a wonderful story. I didn’t want to get sidetracked from my presentation, so I said, “Let’s look at what I have prepared.”

I started out in the Garden of Eden. I took them through Moses’ problems and the kings and the prophets (I wanted to be thorough). I touched on a few psalms. This took a couple of hours and pretty soon I moved into the New Testament and the gospel. I explained to them that Christ came into this world, and He loved the world so much that He died for us. And then I very generally asked them if they were ready to receive Christ. He said, “You know, I was ready an hour ago.”

We all prayed rather awkwardly.

I have boiled my presentation down a little bit since then, but Al and Goldie became children of God and the first people I ever introduced to Jesus. Their marriage was healed. They became active in a church and never turned back. I still see Al occasionally. Goldie and Eva are with the Lord.

This experience with Al and Goldie opened up a whole new vista of opportunity for my wife and me that we never knew existed. We developed a hunger to know the Bible and share with other people. We had been going to church regularly and went to Sunday school, but in making preparation to talk with Al, I became aware of huge gaps in my biblical knowledge. The biggest gap was that I didn’t know the meaning of sin.

My wife and I began to do research into what is the nature of sin. We found the definition of sin in the dictionary: an offense against God. But we quickly discovered the subject was broader and deeper than we ever dreamed it would be. In just five scriptures in the Bible, we found over fifty sins listed. (See Appendix for a more complete list of sins and related scriptures.)

THE NATURE OF SIN

We grouped the sins against God into four categories in order to understand them (see Table 1). The more we studied these lists, the more excited we became! We discovered that if we could eliminate our sins, we would solve most of our own problems and most of the ills of society, including the breakdown of the family, domestic violence, child abuse, rape, murder, violence, political deception, and personal misery.

Table 1: Four Categories of Sins
1. Sins of the Mind	evil thoughts unforgiveness ingratitude selfish ambition pride deceitfulness covetousness greed lust
2. Sinful Emotions	jealousy anger malice envy bad temper unloving attitude hatred rebelliousness bitterness
3. Sins of the Mouth	lying backbiting complaining contentiousness disputing blasphemy slandering yelling boasting quarrelsomeness
4. Sins of Behavior	disobedience to parents brutality lack of self-control stealing adultery murder fornication violence drunkenness revelry

Evil thoughts, lust, and covetousness can lead to premarital sex and adultery. Lying, backbiting, quarreling, anger, and rebellion can lead to brutal violent behavior and even murder. Clearly someone with a brilliant mind who is consumed by greed, selfish ambition, and deception can devise ways to misuse the stock market or government funds.

I looked at these lists as a huge mirror and stepped up to it to see what it would reflect in me. Considering my past problems with my boss, my wife, and my child, it was hard to accept what I saw: evil thoughts, unthankfulness, pride, unforgiveness, deceitfulness, anger, bitterness, rebellion, lying, complaining, yelling, and quarreling. Imagine anyone walking around with all that inside. The simple yet profound statement that the blood of Jesus Christ can wash it all away is exciting! Is it really that simple? It is so easy that it insults our secular intelligence. Everyone, except those who try it, says: “That is much too simple.” But the good news about these lists is that we are just a prayer away from help!

One Sunday morning I arrived early at the church where I was to speak. There was only one person in the auditorium. She was in front of the platform, arranging flowers in a basket. Perhaps a dozen varieties of flowers were masterfully arranged so that each flower was displayed at its best; colorful and delicate. The arrangement couldn’t have been more beautiful.

My mind raced back to my boyhood. I could see my mother in her flower gardens. She just loved to raise many, many varieties of flowers. In those days, all I could see was flowerbeds that needed weeding. My mother could see magnificent baskets of masterfully arranged flowers gracing the platform of our church. Every Sunday during flower season, I had to share the back seat of the car with these bouquets. Mom was so excited at the chance to display God’s magnificent creation for the praise and adoration of the Creator.

With my mother in mind, I approached the platform and said to the lady, “You sure have done a beautiful job arranging these flowers.”

She turned around. I saw an angry-looking woman who growled, “I do it every Sunday. I am stuck with this job. No one else will do it. I’m sick and tired of getting up early enough to be the first one here.” She wasn’t really talking to me. She was venting an angry, rebellious spirit. She sputtered on to remark that no one appreciated her work.

“Who are you?” she asked, suddenly realizing that she was talking to a stranger. “I’m the visiting speaker,” I replied. “Oh,” she gasped. “Oh. Welcome to our church.” It was an awkward, embarrassing moment for both of us. The mood of the moment didn’t fit the beauty of the flowers and the fragrance in the air.

Later, from the platform, I noticed the same lady. She seemed radiant and cheerful; a note in the bulletin gave her credit for the flowers. Even though she was deceptively charming, she was still suffering from the consequences of sin and didn’t know it.

If she were to stand before the list of sins, she would need to check off anger, rebellion, and deception. If she would repent and ask God to clean up her heart, she would be able to rejoice and enjoy the privilege of meeting with the Lord alone on Sunday morning as she worships in His presence by working with the beautiful, fragrant flowers He created.

What a pity to let sin steal away such a privilege when cleansing of the heart is just a prayer away.

The Bible cautioned us not to kid ourselves:

“He who covers his sins will not prosper, but whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy.” (Proverbs 28:13, NKJV)

If you aren’t going to call the list in this chapter sin, then you will look to the world around you for the cause and the solution for items on the list. But if it is sin, then you are looking at the simplest problem in the world to solve. You have the resources of the Creator of the world to help you. There is a supernatural cure for everyone. We don’t have to avoid the problem or run away to try to get relief:

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9, NKJV)

We tend to deny or ignore the existence of sin.

DISCUSSION STARTERS

• Review the thought starter at the beginning of the chapter. What thoughts were started?
• Review the lead Bible verse. What does it say to you? Did you observe yourself in relation to the verse? Did you observe others in relation to the verse? Did you find any additional verses?
• What is your response to the lesson at the end of the chapter?

1. Review each category of sin (based on Mark 7:21-23, Romans 1:28-31, Galatians 5:19-21, Ephesians 4:25-31, and 2 Timothy 3:1-5).
2. How do we deal with sin when we see it in our life?
3. Can you add to each category, with support from the Bible?
4. Check your newspaper and note sinful behavior reported that day.

THOUGHT STARTER:

Is it difficult to deal with the negative in your life?

“Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh.”
—Galatians 5:16, NKJV

My good friend, Dick Andrews, is a dentist. One day when I went to his office as a patient, I was startled to see him approach me with his hands in rubber gloves and a surgical mask covering his face.

“Are you going to operate?” I asked.

Through the mask he mumbled, “With the advent of AIDS, all dentists have adopted gloves and masks as routine protection.” Dick proceeded to see if he could find some trouble in my mouth. By the time he did some mysterious poking around, and his dental hygienist got through polishing my teeth, I walked out of there with gleaming, clean, healthy teeth. They looked for problems and it was positive that we dealt with the negative.

The physician also deals with negatives, yet he is one of the most respected people in the community. The way he helps us is to look for trouble and fix it. I experienced this in high school when I injured my knee while playing basketball. It was badly swollen and just barely fit into my pants leg. I had to keep it bent to ease the pain. I hobbled into the team physician’s office on crutches. He said, “You have a bad knee.” He didn’t even mention my good knee or the rest of my healthy body. (Is that negative?)

He said, “stretch your leg out on this table,” and ignored the fact that this caused me excruciating pain. He began to thump my knee, asking me where it hurt the most. When he found that spot, he thumped it some more to be sure. Then he smiled, “We will need to lance it. This will hurt.” Sweat poured out all over my body from the pain. Then he plunged a knife into my swollen knee. Lots of nasty stuff poured out. I had never felt such pain before! But my knee did get better.

It was positive that he dealt with the negative.

FOCUS ON THE NEGATIVE

The physician and the dentist are members of professions we hold in high esteem. Yet, their focus is on finding trouble in your body:

“You have two cavities.”  “You have an abscess in your knee.”

The comforting side of their professions is that when they find out what is wrong, they proceed to fix it. They can only help us as they deal with the negative.

Actually, much of society focuses on correcting or preventing the negative: firemen, police, auto mechanics, physicians, lawyers, dentists, laboratories, and many others. You can imagine the results if a fireman ignored a fire or a doctor only wanted to focus on my good leg. Even in the field of counseling we usually study the problems of clients; we don’t spend a lot of time studying happy, contented people. In sports, if you want to be good, you locate a coach who will study what you are doing wrong so you can eliminate that flaw in your performance. So it is with our spiritual lives. We need to deal with the negative.

The Psalmist prayed:

“Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: and see if there be any wicked way in me.” (Psalm 139:23-24, KJV)

In order to be healthy, spiritually speaking, we also need to look for trouble, a sinful condition in the body, so it can be fixed. The Bible says:

“Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh.”
(Galatians 5:16, NKJV)

Will Anderson, my son-in-law, relates this incident:

I was studying this chapter and decided to go down the list of sins to see what areas I knew were problems in my own life, because I knew I was serious about my Christian life. After checking off the few points where I felt I needed slight improvement, I asked a friend to give me his opinion. A third of the way down the list, I was experiencing inner turmoil! I knew this guy cared about me, but his list was a lot different than mine! I thanked him for helping me with the list and told myself that I needed a second opinion.

After asking four people to cooperate in this exercise, including my wife, the vote was in—their lists agreed in almost every area. I was in shock! After my emotions calmed down over the next few days, I had to agree with the truth. Their requested honesty has led to an inner humbling, prayer, and repentance in those areas of my life.

The inner change and personal growth is observable to both me and my family. It is also corning through in very positive ways in my friendships and my business.

Most people would agree that walking in the Spirit is a superior way to live, but, realistically, a miracle is needed to actually live this way. Fortunately, the power to walk in the Spirit comes from God. And no human beings or circumstances can interrupt your relationship with Him.

We all have a choice. The Bible says:

“In the past you voluntarily gave your bodies to the service of vice and wickedness—for the purpose of becoming wicked. So, now, give yourselves to the purpose of righteousness—for the purpose of becoming really good.” (Romans 6:19, Phillips)

Only God can cleanse us from sin and empower us to walk in the Spirit. Good news: we are free to choose.

It is negative to ignore the negative; it is positive to eliminate the negative.

DISCUSSION STARTERS

• Review the thought starter at the beginning of the chapter. What thoughts were started?
• Review the lead Bible verse. What does it say to you? Did you observe yourself in relation to the verse? Did you observe others in relation to the verse? Did you find any additional verses?
• What is your response to the lesson at the end of the chapter?

1. Are you serious about really wanting to know the truth about yourself?
2. Study this list of the fruit of the Spirit and the fruit of the flesh. Talk with God and ask Him to show you in which areas you fall short.
3. The left hand column in Table 3 is a word picture of the fruit of the Spirit.
   • Can you act Spirit-filled without being Spirit-filled?
   • Won’t acting Spirit-filled gradually make you Spirit-filled?
   • Can another person tell if you are only acting?
4. The right-hand column is a “normal” life with sin in control.
   • Under each category, can you cover up and act like you are Spirit-filled?
   • What will covering your sins do to you?
5. If you want to get serious about understanding the areas in which you fall short in these lists and if you are brave, you might ask your mate or a close friend to let you read off the words on this list. Ask them to give you a quick “yes” or “no” to the question, “Am I _____?” or “Do I _______?” “Do I have _______?” “Do I have a problem with _______?” Be sure to tell them to be totally honest before God because you need their help. If you do this with three or four people that are close to you, I guarantee you will have an eye-opening experience. Expect to be surprised. This is not a parlor game. Reserve the right to stop at any time. Don’t react outwardly when your inward reaction to your helper is screaming, “You’re crazy! I don’t have a problem in that area. Don’t argue; just write the “yes” or “no” down next to the area for later prayer, thought, or discussion.
6. Read Jeremiah 17:9-10. How would these verses apply to the lesson?

THOUGHT STARTER:

Why do you do and say things that you later regret?

“So be careful. If you are thinking, ‘Oh, l would never behave like that’—let this be a warning to you. For you too may fall into sin.”
—1 Corinthians 10:12, LB

Throughout life, I have tended to resist facing up to my sinful behavior when I was in the middle of doing it. Often, to have my sinful behavior pointed out to me was more distressing than the behavior itself. This graphically happened to me once in a manner that I will never forget.

I was speaking fervently one night on confession and repentance. After the meeting, my wife and I drove a while to our next engagement.

We stopped to spend the night in a first-class hotel. We slept on the finest mattress money could buy. In the morning we had baths and used the deodorants that the ads say you should use to promote good will. We had a good breakfast. We started out in our new, air-conditioned car, complete with stereo radio.

Humanly speaking, we had to have a good day, didn’t we? According to the sociologists, I’ve had a good secure environment, we were well educated, challenged, enjoyed good housing, good food, we were clean, and we had money. We had it made, didn’t we?

It was a beautiful day and all was friendly until we came to a crossroad leading on to the freeway. I turned toward Detroit, our destination, when my wife said, “Henry, you are going the wrong way.”

That remark burned me up. My sarcastic reply was, “Don’t you think I know where Detroit is? Look! Do you want to drive this car, or do you want me to drive this car!?”

And away we went in air-conditioned comfort. We still smelled good. We had a good breakfast under our belts, we had nice clothes, the scenery was beautiful, the car was driving smoothly, and I was furious. Telling me that I was headed in the wrong direction! I’d lived in this area for years and surely knew my directions! After all, when you feel deeply and certain about something, you ought to stick up for your convictions, shouldn’t you? She said nothing. She was to handle the road map and keep us from getting lost.

After a while we came to the first exit. A huge sign with an arrow pointed in the direction we were going. Above the arrow was the word Chicago. And that was the opposite direction from Detroit.

Now, I have a Ph.D. degree. My training is in the area of evaluating data unemotionally and accurately to produce advice based on the data. This is how I make my living; I get paid for my judgments.

I chose to ignore the sign.

Away we went, in air-conditioned comfort. We came to the next exit, which was some distance from the last one. The sign had a big arrow pointing in our direction, and above the arrow: Chicago.

Did you ever get that cold, clammy feeling after you have set someone straight that it’s possible you might be wrong? I felt myself becoming more angry at my wife and decided to try one more exit and away we went.

Can you believe that? You smile, but do you realize that you are smiling at a very sad story? What does this illustrate? The weaknesses and limitations of education. Is it not true that in a fit of anger and stubbornness, all you know can get short-circuited and you can act like a stupid fool?

A brittle, electric silence was in the air. Both of us looked straight ahead and were silent.

The next exit was the same. There was that arrow pointing to Chicago. Would you believe that I decided to try one more exit in order to give me time to figure out how to get to Detroit without turning around?

Have you ever acted like that? You know you are wrong, but, so help you, you are not going to admit it. You do everything you can to avoid admitting you are wrong. That is the way it was with me. You couldn’t have dragged me off that freeway with a tow truck!

I shared this story of my driving past exits with a close friend for his comments before submitting the manuscript for publication. He told me that I needed to reduce the number of exits that I drove past.

He said that one or two would be okay, but passing three exits would stretch my credibility and was out of the question. He pointed out that, in his opinion, it also insulted the intelligence of the reader.

I gave his suggestion serious thought and decided that his constructive comments were logical and correct. But, over the next few days, I kept thinking, “But it is a true story!” Then it hit me: My behavior only reinforces the lesson! We as Christians tend to underestimate sin’s power over our behavior. I kept the original story.

Human emotions can totally disengage our brain, preventing rational behavior and acceptance of the fact that we sin. I have seen this in my own life and in those of my clients.

An intelligent man nearly destroyed his marriage and family by repeatedly overworking. He was a wealthy, successful lawyer who didn’t need to work at all if he didn’t wish.

Another client came panting into my office and wearily lowered himself into a chair. He was at least one hundred pounds overweight. He called himself a compulsive eater. He was a physician.

A beautiful, frightened lady was clasping and unclasping her hands as she told me how worried she was about AIDS. She was sexually active.

An affluent couple anxiously asked me for help with a teenage daughter who was on drugs and sexually active. Against their better judgment, they had showered her with money, cars, and clothes for years.

A skeleton of a young lady looked hopelessly forlorn sitting straight in her chair; she was bulimic and starving herself. She was on the honor roll in school.

I find that I must constantly remind myself, again and again, never to underestimate the power of sin to short-circuit my intelligence.

How do you get turned around when you are headed in the wrong direction? The Bible says:

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9, NKJV)

I have learned from the Bible that confession is a five-step process:

1. I am wrong.
2. I am sorry.
3. Forgive me.
4. Cleanse me.
5. Empower me.

WHY IS IT DIFFICULT TO SAY “I AM WRONG; I HAVE SINNED”?

“For everyone practicing evil hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his deeds should be exposed.” (John 3:20, NKJV)

How do you get turned around when you are headed in the wrong direction? I am three-and-a-half exits down the road. There are no questions at this point: We are headed in the wrong direction; I blew up at my wife for trying to help; and I even tried to tell her that she was wrong. What to do?

How often do you hear someone say: “I am wrong. I have sinned?”

Instead, I hear people declare that they are unhappy, tense, anxious, worried, disappointed, misunderstood, distrusted, unloved, or under extreme pressure.

Frequently I listen to highly intelligent, competent, educated, successful people say the strangest things, such as:

• “I blew up,” or “I exploded.” People say this very sincerely. Of course this never happens. Picture a person who blew up: teeth, bones, eyeballs, arms, legs, body parts flying in all directions.
• “I broke down.” Can you see this quivering, helpless body collapsed in a heap?
• “I lost my head.” Can you picture such an unlikely sight of a headless person groping around?
• “She gets under my skin.” One can accept the presence of a microscopic creature having entered the body but hardly a full-grown woman.
• “My blood was boiling.” This person is no doubt experiencing some bodily changes but hardly the condition described here.
• “I was beside myself.” This statement simply defies logic.
• “He turns me on.”
• “He turns me off.”
• “He burns me up.”
• “He turns me cold.”
• “I am fed up.”

My purpose in recording these statements is not to belittle anyone or to treat their reports lightly. These are socially acceptable terms to describe bodily changes that we are aware of as we interact with people and respond to the events of the day.

We freely describe ourselves and our problems as being caused by other people. But it is very difficult to say the simple words, “I am wrong. I have sinned.”

If I say, “I am wrong; I have sinned,” I can then cure the problems. The problems cannot be solved any other way.

The big little word is if. That word represents a major hurdle because I have a tendency to say these things like: “I may have been off course, but I have some good points about me. Haven’t I been faithful in teaching biblical principles worldwide? Haven’t I worked hard at being a good husband and father? Don’t I get some points for providing a good home?” None of my past history helped at this point.

I was three-and-a-half exits down the pike and going in the wrong direction. That fact couldn’t be sidestepped. When I share this story of driving down the freeway with audiences, I say, “Now sin is doing wrong according to God’s standard.

What were my sins? Can you help me out?”

Without exception, the ladies in the audience always respond immediately and with the same words: pride, stubbornness, rebellion, impoliteness, anger, and bullheadedness.

I reply, “What are you doing diagnosing me? You are not trained, are you? The point is that it is not very hard to figure out what my sins were. You can tick them off, boom, boom, boom, and you are quickly and accurately diagnosing my problem.”

Clearly I am wrong on two points: the list of words that accurately describes the condition “under my skin” and the fact that I am going the wrong direction on the freeway.

Now it is important to understand that I can acknowledge being wrong on all points without agreeing that I have sinned against God. It is important to comprehend that being wrong and being sinful are not interchangeable words. We must be clear on what we mean by being wrong.

I always ask my audiences after they volunteer the words above:

“Are you telling me what you think I want to hear, or do you really believe these words are sins?”

How can an audience diagnose my sins so quickly? Look, all of us are familiar with such behavior.

I have noticed the same process in the consulting room. A counselee seldom has any problem describing someone else’s weakness or unacceptable behavior. Their memory also serves them well in recalling past instances when someone mistreated them.

To face personal wrongdoing is a different matter. I seldom hear anyone eagerly volunteering information about their own wrongdoings.

But, if it is sin, then there is no human remedy. The cure to the problem involves a miracle and what must happen goes against our human nature.

Step 1: I must confess “I am wrong; I have sinned.”

The Bible tells us how to get turned around:

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9, NKJV)

I need to realize that I am wrong because I have sinned against God’s standard. I may have taken a wrong turn, which was not sin, but my words and emotional response to my wife’s statement were wrong and sin.

As I was driving down the freeway, I realized I was proud (too proud to admit I was wrong), stubborn, rebellious, impolite, and angry.

That’s hard to admit. To call this response sin is even harder. I tend to turn away from this description of myself. It is embarrassing. We always seem to ask, “Isn’t there a more palatable explanation?”

The Bible records a midnight conversation between Jesus and Nicodemus, the dean of the theological school. Jesus was explaining why people struggle with guilt.
He said:

“This is the condemnation, that the light has come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil. For everyone practicing evil hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his deeds should be exposed. But he who does the truth comes to the light, that his deeds may be clearly seen, that they have been done in God.” (John 3:19-21, NKJV)

Hear me! It took me four exits to admit that I’m a bullheaded, stubborn, proud, angry person. I don’t like that. And my wife had better not tell me that. But, as a counselor who has spent over forty years of my life working to help people, I have observed that it is very, very difficult to take the first step toward the cure, which is admitting, “I am wrong.”

And isn’t it often true that before we get turned around to face the truth, we are way down the road somewhere? We must all submit to the same treatment if we are to be cured.

But I have found that when there is a crisis, it’s easy to get preoccupied with the other person’s sins. When you think of somebody that you’re at odds with, can you not think of all the things that are wrong with them? You can even pray for them, “Oh God, straighten them out.” Face it! We all tend to deny our sins.

I must talk to God about my own sins and admit that simple but difficult point, “I am wrong,” regardless of the other person’s problems.

YES, BUT…

If to acknowledge sinful behavior is a struggle, to be sorry about it is more of a struggle. Routinely, people ask for a chance to explain their behavior. Then they proceed to describe external circumstances that explain their behavior and make statements such as:

• “Lord, I’m mad and angry and bullheaded, but who wouldn’t be with a spouse like that!”
• “The boss yelled at me, and he didn’t have his facts straight.”
• “The kids kept fighting.”
• “You drove me to it.”
• “I haven’t been getting enough sleep.”
• “I grew up in a bad neighborhood.”
• “I haven’t been feeling well lately.”
• “Let me tell you about the problems my family had . . . “
• “My parents didn’t love or understand me.”
• “Lord, this is the way I am, but you know how hard I’ve tried to serve you.”

Do these statements sound familiar? You see, I can announce that that’s the way
I am, but then I want to blame someone else or some circumstances in my life or
my background.

Jesus once declared to a group of religious leaders:

“You . . . justify yourselves before men, but God knows your hearts.”
(Luke 16:15, NKJV)

Human behavior has not changed over recorded history, and the next step in repenting is just as difficult today as it was in Jesus’ time.

Step 2: I need to say to God: “l am sorry. I have sinned.”

Obviously, you can confess to having done something sinful and not be the least bit sorry to God. You may even be purposing in your heart to repeat the same behavior. Or you may be sorry you were caught, because now you will suffer the consequences of your actions.

Other times we can sin and apologize to an individual, but leave God completely out of the situation.

The apostle Paul wrote to the Corinthians rebuking them for mixing with idolaters. He describes their response to his first letter:

“Now I rejoice, not that you were made sorry, but that your sorrow led to repentance. For you were made sorry in a godly manner, that you might suffer loss from us in nothing. For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death. For observe this very thing, that you sorrowed in a godly manner: What diligence it produced in you, what clearing of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what vehement desire, what zeal, what vindication!” (2 Corinthians 7:9-11, NKJV)

It’s a struggle to come to the place where I can say, “I am wrong. I have sinned. No excuses, no alibis. This is my sin and I mean it. I am sorry, God.”

I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH RIGHT NOW

Admitting sinful behavior and expressing sorrow for that behavior is something that we do. We find that it’s a struggle to let go of the reasons why our behavior is someone else’s fault.

When we finally relinquish our excuses, a strange thing often happens: rather than seeking forgiveness, we want to do penance for our sins. Sometimes, we even focus on how sinful we have been; memories crowd in of unpleasant scenes. Instead of seeking forgiveness, which is something God does for us, we find ourselves dwelling on the past. As a result, I hear statements such as:

• “Can’t you see I am crying?”
• “Can’t you see I’m depressed?”
• “My self-esteem is destroyed!”
• “I hate myself.”
• “I am unworthy.”
• “My self-image is battered.”

In these situations, perhaps more sins need to be dealt with that haven’t been acknowledged. Perhaps we don’t really accept the fact that our behavior was sinful.

Step 3: I need to ask: “God, forgive me of my sins.”

More likely we need to review the good news that Jesus shed His blood for our sins to make the free gift of forgiveness available to us.

We just need to receive it.

Let me remind you that this encounter is directly between us and God. Only He can forgive and cleanse sin. Step 1 of confession and step 2 of sorrow are things that
I do. Asking for forgiveness is something I also do, but the forgiving is something that only God does. As the apostle John affirms:

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9, NKJV)

So, none of the penance programs will help. God simply expects us to receive His forgiveness. It’s free. His Son shed His blood to make this free gift available to us. I need to accept the cure for my past sin and say, “God, forgive me of my sin.”

I find it interesting that Jesus spoke and the sick were healed. He spoke and the man’s sins were forgiven. When we sincerely say, “God, forgive me of my sins,” He does.

NOW THAT I KNOW WHAT TO DO, I’LL DO IT!

If I do what I’m supposed to do as a Christian, isn’t that enough? We identify our sins and seek forgiveness. John goes further and directs us:

“But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin.”
(1 John 1:9, NKJV)

Step 4: I need to ask: “God, cleanse me of my sin.”

My sins were pride, stubbornness, rebellion, anger, and impoliteness. “Cleanse me” sounds easy. However, I have observed this to be extremely difficult for many people—especially talented, educated, self-sufficient, independent people. Our tendency is to put confidence in self-control rather than surrender to God. We say, “Now that I know what the problem is, I’ll take charge and fix it” or “Just tell me what I’m supposed to do and I’ll do it.”

Sometimes we are still not convinced that we have sinned. We take another try at disciplining ourselves to act the way we think a Christian should act. The sin area is still there, and there is no cure at this time, only the counterfeit appearance of a cure. We keep saying: ”There must be something I can do!”

Not this time. If it is sin, there is no human remedy. Give it up. You have admitted your sin, expressed sorrow, and asked for forgiveness. Now, receive the cleansing. Be specific about what needs cleansing in your life. And know that only God can cleanse you from sin.

IS GOD A CRUTCH THAT I NEED FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?

Step 5 is the toughest step of all. It’s not a matter of receiving a boost from God to get us started so we can proceed on our own. This step involves the realization that we will be dependent on God forever, not only to cleanse us from sin, but to empower us to keep His commandments in the future.

Step 5: I need to ask: “Empower me.”

Intelligent, competent, successful people find this a hard pill to swallow. Our human nature causes us to resist the necessity for a lifetime dependence on God to correct our tendency to sin. And if it’s sin, there is no human cure.

For Christians to try to live the Christian life without total dependence on the Holy Spirit is a contradiction in terms. Anything less is just acting. Paul’s words are true:

“My God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:19, NKJV)

“Be filled with the Spirit.” (Ephesians 5:18, NKJV)

We want to be self-sufficient and independent. Many people have enough self-control to act the way they choose to act. They can rightly say, “Now that I know what to do, I will act like a Christian.” They think they are in total control of their own lives. What they have is only a sad counterfeit that appears to be a cure.

To be clean, forgiven, and renewed is a great relief. Now it is time to turn around.

In my story of driving down the freeway, we were three-and-a-half exits down the pike. Isn’t it amazing how long we will fight the truth?

Finally I was ready to reach out to God for help. I had to admit to my proud, rebellious, angry stubborn spirit. My wife can’t help me here. She can’t cure me. I must deal with God. I asked God to cleanse my heart, to restore His love, peace, and joy to my heart, to help me face the truth. Guess what? He answered my prayer. Up to that point you could not have dragged me off that freeway. Now, the most delightful thought in my mind was to look for the next exit. I was free from the effects of my sins. Happy thought. I could turn around.

“Eva,” I said, “we are headed in the wrong direction” (as if she didn’t know). “I am sorry. Forgive me.” It was now easy to admit the truth.

Soon we came to the next exit. We turned around and drove all the way back. And that’s sometimes the trail of repentance; we retrace a lot of steps and make some corrections along the way. There is no other way to start fresh and clean.

Personally, I find that I need to frequently repeat these steps. And the mystery is that one can be determined to be consciously wrong, no matter what, and then, in response to a repentant prayer, be transformed into a person who delights in being consciously right.

THE PROCESS OF REPENTANCE

I have broken down the term repentance into five steps. Actually, as we practice this daily, these steps merge into a smooth process that is like one step. It’s like driving a car. A beginner is conscious of the brake, accelerator, speedometer, side mirror, windows, rearview mirror. Gradually all these activities merge into one motion.

To confess and repent can be as simple as slowing down for a driver committed to driving the speed limit.

As a young Christian (and even to this day), I was astounded at the reluctance of people (including myself) to face up to their sins. To bring up the subject creates an atmosphere of resistance, tension, anxiety, and anger.

You would think that everyone would leap at the chance to be rid of sin. Not so. Usually, people do not seek a real cure to their problems (sins); they just want relief from the consequences of their sins.

I’m not some stranger to this material. I’m the one that is teaching and practicing it. But between conferences, look what happened. I don’t always know why it happens, but when it does I need to call it by its right name: sin. In my case, I not only blew up at my wife, but I also tried to tell her she was wrong! To admit our own sin is very difficult for all of us because sin has a way of short-circuiting our brain.

This word sin is seldom heard; it is despised, dreaded, and hated. Newspapers scream daily about problems that fit the definition, but they refuse to call it by the right name. Society doesn’t put sin into you; it stirs up what is already there. And if it is sin, there is no human remedy.

A supernatural cure for sin is available. I can only experience consistent peace, joy, and love when the Holy Spirit is in control of my life.

Recognizing my own sin is difficult.

DISCUSSION STARTERS

• Review the thought starter at the beginning of the chapter. What thoughts were started?
• Review the lead Bible verse. What does it say to you? Did you observe yourself in relation to the verse? Did you observe others in relation to the verse? Did you find any additional verses?
• What is your response to the lesson at the end of the chapter?

1. Why is it difficult for us to say, “I have sinned. I am wrong.”?
2. Why is it so easy to identify someone else’s sins and so difficult to see my own? Look at Jeremiah 17:9.
3. What does the statement, “Men love darkness rather than light” mean to you?
4. Why is it so important that we get to tell our side of the story?
5. What is Godly sorrow?
6. Discuss the difference between restitution to a person for a wrong done and God’s forgiveness of our sins.
7. Why is doing penance a soothing act for many of us?
8. What are the dangers of penance and self-condemnation?
9. What is it in our nature, our culture, our background that causes us to want to solve our problems by ourselves rather than appeal to God for cleansing?
10. Based on 1 John 1:7, can our relationship or lack of relationship with each other be a measure of our relationship with God?
11. Why is sin such a despised word?
12. Why do most Christians ignore the Holy Spirit in light of John 14:16-26?
13. If we are dependent on God for the rest of our life, what, actually, is it that we need?

THOUGHT STARTER:

Is the real you underneath your skin?

“Take heed to thyself, and keep thy soul diligently.”
—Deuteronomy 4:9, KJV

When people come into my consulting room, I can see that they have taken time to look nice. However, what we talk about is the part of them you can’t see, the world of thoughts, feelings, and emotions underneath the skin. This part of us that no one can see is what some call the soul.

Very few of us would think of neglecting our appearance before leaving home. We want to make the image we see reflected in the mirror acceptable to ourselves and others. We know that others make judgments about us based on our appearance.

A LOOK IN THE MIRROR

Very few people get to see what we see in the mirror in the morning. What people do see is our version of what we want them to see. Some people have more work to do than others.

Multimillion-dollar industries provide products for eye care, ear care, lip care, hair care, body care, and clothing.

As you look in the mirror in the morning, you are vaguely aware of your behavior patterns, thoughts, and reactions. Circumstances and events in your life make you aware of pleasant or unpleasant thoughts and emotions. And as you look in the mirror, you are either pleased or displeased with yourself.

With personal behavior, as with personal appearance, you behave acceptably to particular persons or groups. In their presence, regardless of what they say or do, regardless of the reactions going on underneath the skin, you strive diligently to maintain a pleasant smile, a friendly word, and a congenial manner.

Few people get to see what you see in the mirror, and no one gets to see what goes on underneath your skin except God. The Bible says:

“Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”
(1 Samuel 16:7, NKJV)

If the Lord looks on the heart, then it follows that a checkup of your heart is more critical than an examination of your physical appearance.

I don’t like checkups. I usually have a feeling of uneasiness and uncertainty that something bad will come up that I don’t know about. When a physician checks your body, he is alert to discover anything that needs correcting.

Soul searching can be as uncomfortable as a physical checkup. But if God looks upon the heart, one needs to be sure of His approval. The psalmist said:

“Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me.” (Psalm 139:23-24, KJV)

When Moses passed the mantle of leadership to Joshua, he said to the people:

“Give heed to yourself and keep your soul diligently, lest you forget the things which your eyes have seen, and lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life.” (Deuteronomy 4:9, NASB)

Most of us don’t need any urging to look after our personal appearances and personal advantages. We encounter people every day, and their approval or disapproval is face-to-face and immediate.

A ROOT OF BITTERNESS UNCHECKED

It is fairly simple to lose sight of the need for the Lord’s approval. The effects of deviating from His standards may not be evident to you and others for a long time. As a result, more and more frequently these days I hear about another “model” couple who, after twenty years of marriage, are getting a divorce.

One such marriage might have been saved if they had heeded this biblical advice:

“Looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled.” (Hebrews 12:15, NKJV)

I was sure this couple had a marriage that was grounded solidly on mutual devotion to each other. He had poured twelve years of his life into a service organization. He worked long and sacrificially, and his wife was by his side, supporting him. We all admired their commitment and even thought of them as a model couple who put serving the Lord as the top priority in their lives.

Then we heard the chilling news that he had resigned from the organization, was divorcing his wife, and would marry another woman. Everyone was shocked; all of a sudden this model marriage just collapsed. I had a chance to talk to him about the surprise development. He was quick to assure me, however, that there was nothing sudden about it. This break had been coming on for years.

He and his wife encountered conflict from the beginning of their marriage. The first issue was over money; she failed to record checks she had written. The monthly bank statements were consistently different from his checkbook. He brought the matter up repeatedly; she ignored the problem. After a few years, he quit trying, but a root of bitterness developed in his heart.

There were other issues. One was a running battle about punctuality. They differed over rules for their two teenagers. Another issue was the level of involvement with their immediate families. These issues had rocked along unresolved for seventeen years.

Strangely enough, they had worked together on one project: creating the impression around friends and associates that they were a happy, cooperative couple. But in reality, skillful deception covered growing bitterness.

Eventually, his work on a certain committee placed him next to a rather plain woman. He helped her into her chair and at the break he served her coffee. Nothing unusual about that. At the next meeting, he arrived early, as was his custom. He was the first one there, and the second one, also early, was the woman who had sat next to him. He complimented her on being early. She replied that this was her custom, but when she went to meetings with her husband, they were always late. He remarked that he and his wife had the same problem. She complimented him on his attentiveness, remarking that her husband never paid much attention to such things.

He was given responsibility for producing a report, and she was to help him with research and typing. She was prompt and cooperative. He remarked that he wished his wife would work with him like that. He found himself thinking about this woman frequently. Once, they had lunch together to plan their report. His hand brushed hers and lingered there. She began sharing some of her problems with her husband, and he sympathized with her because he, too, had some problems with his wife. After lunch, she took his arm as they walked to her car. He found himself thinking about her in the office, and on an impulse, called her and offered to pick her up for the next committee meeting. After driving her home, they sat in front of her house and chatted a while. He walked her to the door and gave her hand a squeeze as he said goodbye. After the next meeting, they spontaneously kissed, which was an electrifying experience that he hadn’t enjoyed for a long time.

What these two people had in common was a root of bitterness. As a result, they had forgotten the sweet times in their marriages, and any grace toward their partners departed from their hearts. Along with the bitterness, uncontrollable lust flared up. From that point, reason went out the window and before they recovered, they had broken up two marriages, ruined two careers, and ended up married to each other. They soon found that they had new conflicts to deal with in each other.

Since then, they have come to their senses, have sought God’s forgiveness, and are trying to repair the damage that has been done. They are finding out that they have no good options, but that they must make the best of a hopeless mess: two successful careers and two marriages died.

A CHECKUP FOR THE SOUL

What happened? This man and this woman had neglected to check up on their souls.

A checkup of the soul need not take longer than a checkup of one’s personal appearance. Regular checkups will serve you well if you correct what needs attention, but often we will go for weeks or months or even years, without checking up on our hearts. Why?

“Men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil.” (John 3:19, NKJV)

The following is a brief checkup. It will only take a few minutes:

“Pursue peace with all men, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: looking diligently lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled.” (Hebrews 12:14-15, NKJV)

The soul is reflected in a special kind of mirror called the Bible. It says:

“If anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man observing his natural face in a mirror; for he observes himself, goes away, and immediately forgets what kind of man he was. But he who looks into the perfect law of liberty and continues in it, and is not a forgetful hearer but a doer of the work, this one will be blessed in what he does.” (James 1:23-25, NKJV)

Is it a challenge to resolve any conflicts between you and someone else? Perhaps even the person on the other side of the bathroom wall in the morning? Does the conflict disturb you? Are you “gracious” about it? Look carefully. If you glanced in a mirror and saw a pimple you would surely look more carefully. A pimple! You don’t ignore a pimple! This is an emergency! You would move quickly to get rid of it.

We get the word gracious from the word grace, which generally means “loving acceptance.” Look carefully lest you fall short of the grace of God. Are you aware of an ungracious spirit toward a family member, a co-worker, or anyone? You still act graciously, sound gracious, but deep down inside you are not gracious. Beware. This is more serious than a pimple.

Is there a root of bitterness lurking in your heart toward the person with whom you are in open or hidden conflict? Are you making an effort to be reconciled?

I see many married couples who were at one time delighting in each other’s presence, filled with admiration and appreciation for each other. Because one or both neglected their souls, they are now estranged. They have forgotten the sweet fellowship of the past, and goodwill toward each another has left their hearts.

“Take heed to yourself, and diligently keep yourself, lest you forget the things your eyes have seen, and lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life.” (Deuteronomy 4:9, NKJV)

Take another quick look at the mirror that reflects your soul:

“Put off all these: anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy language out of your mouth. Do not lie to one another.” (Colossians 3:8-9, NKJV)

Also,

“Put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; bearing with one another, and forgiving one another . . .even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.” (Colossians 3:12-13, NKJV)

The Bible is a mirror that will let you know what to put off or put on. You may or may not want to know. You may or may not want to act on your reflection. You may even act as if you have put off what needs putting off and put on what needs putting on when that really is not the situation under your skin.

Once I stayed in a lovely apartment with a bathroom that had mirrors on all the walls. At first I was pleased, but very quickly I was stunned. I saw views of my body that I had never seen before, and I didn’t like what I saw.

A couple came up to me after a speaking engagement to share with me the good news of what had happened to their marriage relationship since they both began spiritual checkups. A year earlier they had heard me speak on this subject, and at that time the wife rid herself of a load of sin that was ruining her life.

She told me how her husband had met another woman in a motel occasionally. The relationship ended. She learned about the situation when her husband and the other woman came to her and admitted they had been together.

She was livid with rage toward the other woman and refused to forgive when the woman pleaded for forgiveness. The wife nursed her rage for six years. Even though she and the other woman were now several thousand miles apart, the thought of the other woman would instantly fill her with rage.

“It was like a rope around my neck,” she said. Her rage ruined her appetite, gave her pounding headaches, and often kept her awake. She knew all along that nursing her grudge against the other woman was only punishing herself. But she felt nursing an angry spirit was not evil, but pleasurable. But as the Bible says:

“But if you have bitter envy and self-seeking in your hearts . . . lie [not] against the truth. . . . [it] is earthly, sensual, demonic.” (James 3:14-15, NKJV)

At the conference a year earlier, the wife suddenly realized she was punishing herself because her husband and this other person had sinned. Their sin exposed her own sin. She deposited her six-year burden with the Lord; now she was free and their marriage was better than ever.

Can you imagine being at odds over something year after year in a relationship? It is amazing what a low standard of Christian life many of us will tolerate.

As you leave the bathroom in the morning, your appearance can be very different from when you went in. Likewise, we can behave differently from our feelings. We can feel isolated from others, alone in a crowd, detached from reality, uncomfortable, and ill at ease when people praise us. These conditions result because how we talk and act does not accurately reflect what is going on underneath our skin.

Man looks at the outward appearance. The Lord looks on the heart. What really matters is what the Lord sees. He sees the real person underneath the skin. That is why it is important that we deal with the negative (sin) in our lives. When we bring the sin in our life to God, He takes it away and we can actually feel under our skin just as we behave on the outside. This resting and peaceful condition of

God’s forgiveness gives us tremendous relief from stress and fear.

As a mirror is to your face, the Bible is to your soul.

DISCUSSION STARTERS

• Review the thought starter at the beginning of the chapter. What thoughts were started?
• Review the lead Bible verse. What does it say to you? Did you observe yourself in relation to the verse? Did you observe others in relation to the verse? Did you find any additional verses?
• What is your response to the lesson at the end of the chapter?

1. If God looks at the inside condition of our lives, why do we spend so little time looking after our soul?
2. What is your understanding of the term “root of bitterness”?
3. Is there anyone with whom you are not at peace?
4. What personal grooming routines do you follow every day?
5. What soul-searching routines do you follow every day?
6. What behavior routines do you follow each day and why?
7. The Bible reflects the condition of your heart. Do you use it daily?

THOUGHT STARTER:

Why do adults behave childishly?

“Where there are envy, strife, and divisions among you,
are you not carnal and behaving like mere men?”
—1 Corinthians 3:3, NKJV

I was sitting alone in a living room, waiting for the man of the house to appear. Instead, a door opened and in walked a small boy. He walked over to where I was sitting and asked me some pointed questions:

“Who are you?”

“What do you want here?”

“Have you got any children?”

“I have a dog. Do you like dogs?”

“Do your children have a train like mine?”

I had my mind on the reason for my being there, so these questions were distracting me. I tried to think of some way to get his attention away from me, and all I could think of was to give him my billfold to play with.

Immediately I saw that this decision was a mistake. He began to extract my credit cards and money. I needed to redeem my billfold.

My first approach was to ask him to return it in as nice a voice as possible. “Would you please give me my billfold?”

He replied, “That’s my billfold.”

A simple, childlike transaction. I had no other choice but to take it away from him. In my mind, I needed to be calm, cool, and collected for my appointment, so I needed to bring this encounter with a three-year-old to a swift conclusion. I retrieved my billfold, put the credit cards and paper money in place, and pocketed the billfold. But my little friend was determined to retrieve “his” billfold. He approached me with a smile on his face and in a pleasant voice, he said, “Please, mister, can I have my billfold back?”

With such a sweet request, I felt quite mean and inconsiderate, but I replied, “No, that’s my billfold.”

“Can’t I please have it back? Please, Mister? Please can l have it back?” he pleaded, still smiling.

I was almost persuaded to give it back to him, but I got a firmer grip on my resolve and said as gently as possible, “No, you can’t have it.”

As if by magic, this nice, polite, friendly, little boy turned into someone else. His smile was gone. He eyes became slits, he stomped his feet, his little hands doubled up into fists, and in a shrill voice, he shouted, “I want my billfold!”

I said, “No!”

Then he started to cry. Tears streaming down his cheeks, he looked utterly pathetic.

He wailed, “I want my billfold.”

I said, “No!”

Finally, he gave me an ugly look and turned his back on me.

He was pouting.

I was getting the silent treatment. He acted as though I was non-existent.

At that point, his father showed up and the incident with the child was over. Later, I had some free time and began to relive that scene.

Small children have some very effective tools to get what they are after. The tools can be charming: smiling, reaching out for a hug or sweet talk; they can also be deceptively charming: rolling their eyes, yelling, screaming, crying, or pouting. Childlike behavior can be very effective.

There are two definitions for the word charm. One is the expression of genuine pleasure, delight, pleasantry, and gratitude. The other is to deceive and pretend pleasure, delight, pleasantry and gratitude to allure, entice, captivate. In either case, the behavior is the same; the motive is quite different.

I have parents approach me because their child is five years old and clearly still uses deceptive charm (as the three-year-old who approached me) to get what they are after. At what age is it no longer acceptable to use pretended pleasantry for personal gain? Would you say ten, twenty, or forty years old?

We were having lunch with an elderly couple. Their ten-year-old grandchild approached the table. She was all smiles and charm. With her back to Grandpa and hugging Grandma, I heard her whisper in Grandma’s ear, “Grandma, can I have a dollar”?

The grandma said, “No, not now.”

Then she turned around with her back to Grandma and gave Grandpa a hug and a kiss and told him she loved him. He was noticeably pleased by her attention. Then she asked him for a dollar. He gladly responded. She gave him another hug and kiss and declared her love for him; she gave Grandma a big smile, and was gone. She’d gotten her dollar.

My three-year-old friend’s actions in attempting to acquire my billfold and the ten-year-old’s success in charming Grandpa out of a dollar start out to be childish self-interest. But this behavior works so well that it often is continued into adult life.

CHILDISH BEHAVIOR ISN’T JUST FOR CHILDREN

At what age is it no longer acceptable to throw a tantrum when you can’t have what you want? I was lecturing a man in his forties about being a more considerate husband. He was a college graduate and a successful businessman. He nodded, approving of what I was saying—I thought.

Suddenly, he stood up and shouted, “I’ve had enough of this. I don’t have to pay for this stuff. I don’t need to put up with this lecture!” He wheeled around, opened the door and left, slamming the door so hard the pictures on the walls moved.

Whew!

What happened?

He had a tantrum.

Ten minutes later, the phone rang. It was he, apologizing for his behavior. This is what psychologists call regressive behavior: acting like a five-year-old. Why do we continue such behavior? One reason is that an individual believes it still works. Another reason is that anger and wrath are part of our sinful nature.

At what age is it acceptable to cry when you can’t have what you want? A woman sits down for a meeting with me, opens her purse, and takes out a tiny handkerchief. When this happens, I can predict that this woman will cry before the hour is up. Sure enough, I will say something she doesn’t like. At that point, an amazing thing happens: She will produce one tear from each eye. Not two tears, but one. This is her signal for me to back away from the subject we are on, or perhaps to let me know that I have said something she doesn’t like. It is remarkable how long a tear can be suspended in the corner of her eye, but eventually it will trickle down her cheek. At that point she will whisk it away with a practiced hand.

Let me assure you that I am not referring to tears of sorrow or grief or loneliness or real guilt. I refer to the use of tears as a tool to manipulate others so one can get his or her own way. Why do people continue such behavior into adult life? Because it has worked successfully in the past. Another reason is that selfishness is part of our sinful nature.

At what age is it acceptable to pout when you can’t have what you want? I talked with a couple struggling with both temper tantrums and pouting. Their large home was the scene of much conflict. He wished she were more orderly; she wished he were less rigid. One day he flew into a rage over her closet, demanding that she get it organized. Then he slammed the door, got into his car, and took off, spinning the wheels of his car as he went.

The silence continued for three days. She pouted in response to his tantrum. She would teach him not to yell at her and make demands she refused to meet. This interaction between them had been going on for many years.

Why do adults sulk when they can’t have what they want? Because it worked in the past and it still works for them. Another reason is that anger, rebellion, and selfishness are part of our sinful nature.

Paul wrote to some young Christians that he could not treat them as grown-up spiritual people. He pointed out that they were missing out on the happiness that comes with living lives when Christ is in control. They were missing personality qualities such as:

“. . . love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.” (Galatians 5:22-23, NKJV)

According to the Bible, the only way to actually acquire these qualities as part of your being is to recognize that you don’t have them unless God gives them to you. Your part is to allow the Holy Spirit to give you something you don’t have.

“ARE YOU NOT CARNAL . . . ?”

Paul used the word carnal. We don’t see or hear this word used today. Some modern translations say “worldly,” one “babes,” another “fleshly.” Paul said:

“Where there are envy, strife, and divisions among you, are you not carnal and behaving like mere men?” (1 Corinthians 3:3, NKJV)

Envy, strife, and divisiveness hinder learning and appreciation of others. The apostle Paul calls them “mere men,” rather than “spiritual men.”

During a recent series of evangelistic meetings, a man with a beautiful singing voice invited Christ to take control of his life. He began attending a church. They soon discovered his fine voice and called on him to sing for some of the church services. Ironically, I had a counselee with a good voice who attended the same church. He was doing the male solo work until this new believer with the better voice came along. They shared vocal responsibilities. My counselee discovered envy and strife in his heart; he could not enjoy the beauty of this new convert’s voice. He deeply resented the music director’s decision to use the new singer. Several people who knew the situation sided with the music director. There was carnality—envy, strife, and division in my counselee’s heart. There was no point in talking about spiritual life with him. He needed to be reminded of the most basic principles of the Christian life. This talented, successful man needed to be approached as if he were a child who knew nothing about the Lord.

As Paul put it:

“I fed you with milk and not with solid food; for until now you were not able to receive it . . .” (1 Corinthians 3:2, NKJV)

Once Jesus told His disciples:

“I have yet many things to say unto you, but ye cannot bear them now.”
(John 16:12, KJV)

Isaiah said to his people:

“Whom shall he teach knowledge? and whom shall he make to understand doctrine? them that are weaned from the milk, and drawn from the breasts. For precept must be upon precept, precept upon precept; line upon line, line upon line; here a little, and there a little.” (Isaiah 28:9-10, KJV)

As children often do, my counselee struggled for a while; he wanted his singing position back. There were some tantrums, some weeping, some pouting. Finally, there was some repenting or changing of his mind. Today, he is being blessed by the fine singing voice of his vocal partner. Besides, he is chewing on some solid food.

“If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit.” (Galatians 5:25, NKJV)

In order to develop spiritually, we must recognize any carnality or childish, sinful behavior that continues into adult life. Once the condition is discovered, only God can cure the situation. He alone can clean our hearts from envy, strife, divisions, pouting, temper tantrums, and deceptive manipulation of others. Then we can move on to the meat of the Christian life.

As Paul said,

“And I, brethren, could not speak to you as to spiritual people but as to carnal, as to babes in Christ. I fed you with milk and not with solid food; for until now you were not able to receive it, and even now you are still not able; for you are still carnal. For where there are envy, strife, and divisions among you, are you not carnal and behaving like mere men?” (1 Corinthians 3:1-3, NKJV)

No one with childish habit patterns can have successful long-term relationships.

DISCUSSION STARTERS

• Review the thought starter at the beginning of the chapter. What thoughts were started?
• Review the lead Bible verse. What does it say to you? Did you observe yourself in relation to the verse? Did you observe others in relation to the verse? Did you find any additional verses?
• What is your response to the lesson at the end of the chapter?

1. Why do adults behave childishly?
2. Define deception. What is the difference between deception and lying? How subtle can we be with deception?
3. How common is the practice of deception among adults?
4. Look up Isaiah 53:6. What is the common denominator among all of us according to this verse?
5. What can parents do to correct “childish behavior” in their children so that their children will not behave this way later as adults?

THOUGHT STARTER:

Do you find yourself hurt or disappointed by people’s behavior or events?

[Jesus said,] “Take heed to yourselves. If your brother sins against you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times in a day returns to you saying, ‘I repent,’ you shall forgive him.”
And the apostles said to the Lord, ‘Increase our faith.’”
—Luke 17:3-5, NKJV

Webster defines forgive as “to grant free pardon, cease to feel resentment against.”

What are you to do when you must work together with someone who repeats undesirable behavior over and over again, often deliberately and sadistically? This was my question one summer when I was working with the North American Indian Mission along the spectacular coast of British Columbia. Each year the mission sponsored a summer program, placing college students on many of the beautiful islands scattered along the coastline. The mission would assign a team of four to eight college students to an island for a month. Their job was to make friends with the native Indian islanders, to develop a recreation program for the children and an arts and crafts program for the adults, and to encourage them to attend mission meetings and Bible studies.

The mission had a large ship which cruised up the coast from Vancouver to the southern tip of Alaska. Several seaplanes would regularly meet the ship and fly the teams of students to their assigned islands. My job was to help supervise the teams of students. With a pilot and seaplane I flew from island to island to see how the work was progressing.

I had no experience with seaplanes, but I found it a thrilling experience to take off and to land on the water. After my first landing at one of the islands, the pilot asked me to jump out on the dock and hold the rope which was tied to the pontoon of the plane. Glad to be of help, I stood rope in hand under the wing. When the pilot jumped out of the plane and onto the pontoon, the wing came down and struck me in the head. Boom! I saw stars! The pilot was apologetic,

“I’m sorry.” I replied, “That’s okay.”

I walked up to the primitive little village where a team of college students was eager to share with me all the unexpected challenges that had arisen. The little kids were hard to manage. They swore. They had lice in their hair. After advising, encouraging, and praying with the team, I returned to the plane.

I made note that these students would need frequent visits to encourage them and to remind them to depend on the Lord daily for grace, love, patience, and wisdom.

The pilot once again asked me to hold the rope while he got into the plane. I was glad to oblige. He jumped on the pontoon. The wing came down and smacked me in the head, “Whack!” Again I saw stars!

He said, “I’m so sorry.” I said, “That’s okay.”

My head was somewhat sore, but I ignored it. There was far too much excitement in taking off over the water and rugged landscape. What was a little bump on the head compared to working with such devoted students and these needy Indian children.

As we flew to the next island, I was mildly annoyed at the pilot. My head throbbed, but the beautiful scenery and the three-foot waves which met us at our next landing absorbed my attention.

The pilot asked me to hop out on the dock and hold the rope while he secured the plane. Again I was happy to oblige. Again I felt useful. I was caught off guard when the wing came down on my head: “Bang!”

The pilot said, “So sorry.” I said, “That’s okay.”

A VICTIM OF MY OWN BEHAVIOR

I know what you are thinking. Why didn’t I just get out from under that wing? The excitement of the landings and launchings, the lovely views and my observations of the Indian culture all added up to forgetting to look out for my head.

On the way up to see the students, I began to wonder how sorry the pilot really was. This was no longer okay! I thought that if this happens again, I will throw him into the ocean!

When we arrived at the village the students told me that they could not get along with one other. One of the fellows was very messy. He had promised his friends that he would change, but he didn’t. I told them to be more forgiving of one another.

The pilot and I walked down to the dock. He asked me to hold the rope while he got into the plane. I was glad to comply. The pilot jumped on the pontoon, the wing came down, and I was nowhere near it. I gloated to myself, “Ah, ha! You missed me!

As we flew along, I rubbed my head and nursed my mean, nasty thoughts; I half grumbled and half prayed for help. Then it hit me like the wing of a seaplane. I had visited with teams of students that had to live with circumstances beyond their control. I advised the students to look to God for love, grace, and peace in their difficulties. They had to be more loving and more forgiving of one another.

In the midst of my anger, I remembered the following scripture:

“Take heed to yourselves. If your brother sins against you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times in a day returns to you saying, ‘I repent,’ you shall forgive him.” And the apostles said to the Lord, “Increase our faith.” (Luke 17:3-5, NKJV)

I thought to myself, I’m with the apostles. If I am to forgive this character and like it, then something special must happen to me now.

There I was sitting beside a pilot who was sacrificially serving the Lord. Yes, I was angry and resentful toward him. And I had said nothing. I argued with myself: what about this pilot? I don’t think he’s the least bit sorry! So what? If he isn’t going to change, why not get out from under the wing? Not a bad idea! But is it fair for him to do this three times?

Enough of this kind of thinking, I said to myself. I had struck out on two counts. Why not admit it? First, my heart needed to be cleansed and renewed; my attitude was indefensible! Second, I failed to confront the pilot. Such behavior was clearly a violation of what Jesus taught.

I admitted to God that my attitude was lousy and that I had failed to communicate with the pilot. I asked Him to forgive me, to cleanse me, and to renew my spirit. The Lord heard my prayer and my heart was changed right there in that plane. I was the victim of my own behavior.

We approached another island where we would spend the night. The landing was smooth. The pilot asked me to jump on the dock and hold the rope. I was only too glad to comply. I was a wise, knowledgeable veteran. The pilot crawled out of the plane and, as always, jumped on the pontoon. The wing came down and disturbed only air; Brandt’s head was not under the wing!

That night under the stars as we sat around a campfire, I told the pilot about my struggle. Jesus says to rebuke someone who sins against you. I assumed I should be gracious about it. “You kept saying you were sorry,” I reminded him.

“What I meant was, ‘I’m sorry if you’re too dumb to get out from under the wing,’” he replied, holding his sides with laughter.

This incident started me thinking. Was he serious? Did he mean that he deliberately jumped on the pontoon, knowing that I stood under the wing and would receive a whack on the head? Was this a typical bush pilot joke that they all played on newcomers? Perhaps he had adopted a popular view that says you learn best by taking the consequences for misbehaving. But shouldn’t he at least have instructed me to get out from under the wing when he jumps on the pontoon? Our verse says:

“If your brother sins against you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him.” (Luke 17:3, NKJV)

Did that mean that I should chew him out? Vent my wrath on him? What if he said he had repented but continued his unacceptable behavior? Another verse will shed some light on these questions:

“Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself, lest you also be tempted.” (Galatians 6:1, NKJV)

This verse tells me that if anyone mistreats me, I need to first examine my own heart. I need to be “spiritual” before I approach the other person. What is “spiritual”?

“The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.” (Galatians 5:22-23, NKJV)

If I am not spiritual, I need to straighten myself out before I approach the other person.

If I qualify, I need to rebuke him; that is, I need to point out the offensive or unacceptable behavior to my brother. His response shouldn’t affect my spirit because my spirit is between God and me.

What about the other person’s behavior? If he repents, forgive him, that is, grant free pardon and cease to feel resentment against him.

In this instance he did repent. He agreed to warn me when he was about to jump on the pontoon. Obviously, I needed to keep on being “spiritual.” His present or future conduct didn’t dictate the condition of my heart.

In the future, I could be more alert. I could accept his way of doing things. When he was around the plane, I could be sure not to be under the wing. Occasionally I could remind him to let me know when he was about to jump on the pontoon. Otherwise, I would allow myself to become the victim of my own behavior or lack of behavior.

REBUKE AND FORGIVE

Suppose someone is repentant and still repeats undesirable behavior over and over. Our verse says to rebuke and forgive.

I found myself in this situation with my wife, Jo. Shortly after saying our marriage vows, we learned that some adjustments were necessary.

I was driving, and Jo was sitting next to me when she said, “Henry, would you please not drive so closely to the car in front of us?” I proceeded to defend my driving style and driving record, “Look, I haven’t had an accident in years, and I am in better passing condition when I am close to the next car.” She insisted that I was driving too close. We were clearly annoyed at each other.

Finally I saw the light. How selfish of me to ignore her request and not make driving with me more relaxing for her. I agreed to open the distance between our car and the one we were following. But I learned that driving habits are not easily changed. I would unthinkingly lapse into my old habits. Often I would remind myself; if I didn’t, Jo surely would. There were some trips when I needed to repent seven times in a day. After weeks of catching myself and Jo rebuking me, I’ve developed the habit of staying the proper distance from the car in front of me. Occasionally, I need to correct and “walk in the Spirit.” She needs to rebuke and forgive.

We had another adjustment to make. Jo had a habit of taking off her glasses and laying them on her lap, a table, a car seat, or any other handy place. They would then slide off her lap and disappear, or she would forget where she left them. She was constantly looking for them.

This was unacceptable to me. I felt something simple could be done to solve the problem. She reluctantly agreed to put them in her purse when she took them off when she was away from home. At home, there were two designated places for them. If I saw her put them down anywhere else, I would remind her on the spot. For a while it was a case of reminding her many times every day. Her response wasn’t very friendly, and neither was my response to her response. We both had to repent of our bad attitudes. But the “rebuke-repent” process worked. It quickly became apparent that knowing where her glasses were was worth the effort on both of our parts.

These adjustments made it clear that we both needed to walk “in the Spirit” and we need to maintain a “rebuke-repent” process to deal with occasional lapses.

I met with a man who came to see me regarding his wife. He had married a door slammer. She would slam the car door as hard as she could. She’d slam the front door, the kitchen cupboard doors, the bedroom doors, the bathroom door, and any other door she needed to close. He would wince whenever she approached a door. He could hardly stand it anymore.

“Have you talked to her about it?” I asked.

“No, we have only been married a few months. If I criticize her it may hurt her self-image. I am trying to encourage her.”

I called his attention to Galatians 6:1. No need to be critical. The Lord will help him to be gentle. There is no way for her to know what is in his mind if he doesn’t tell her.

When he asked her to close the doors more gently, she was quite willing to comply. She had no idea that this behavior troubled him; he was greatly relieved. She then got up out of her chair and went to the bedroom and slammed the door. She was truly willing to change, but slamming doors was so much of a habit she did it without thinking. She actually needed to repent seven times a day, and he needed to forgive her just as often. But with two of them working together, she changed her behavior in a few weeks. It took two spiritual people who worked together to solve a problem.

What do you do about unacceptable behavior that may be repeated seven times in a day? First, you walk in the Spirit. It is a fallacy to blame someone else’s behavior for your anger or resentment. This is a sin. Your spirit involves God and you. Second, there needs to be a change of behavior. You need to rebuke, that is, describe the unacceptable behavior. Third, you need to deal with the person’s response. If there is repentance, you forgive. If there is improvement, you praise. But what if there is no change? What then?

What should your response be if someone says they are sorry, but repeats the same behavior day in and day out? You may need to conclude that “I am sorry” is meaningless. What you do about it depends on the relationship. Are you dealing with a child, a parent, your partner, a friend, an employee? Certainly, you need to walk in the Spirit. Depending on the relationship, you may need to reward, praise, punish, remind, train or even fire someone.

In my case, I simply needed to get out from under the wing. My assignment to hold a rope provided me with some insight into my own heart and the chance to learn a new lesson about communication and forgiveness (and how to avoid a bump on the head!).

Do not allow yourself to become the victim of your own behavior.

DISCUSSION STARTERS

• Review the thought starter at the beginning of the chapter. What thoughts were started?
• Review the lead Bible verse. What does it say to you? Did you observe yourself in relation to the verse? Did you observe others in relation to the verse? Did you find any additional verses?
• What is your response to the lesson at the end of the chapter?

1. Can you think of a situation where you became the victim of your own behavior?
2. What determines what you choose?
3. By the time a person comes to God for help, have they experienced a change of heart?
4. How do you go about rebuking someone?
5. Define forgiving.

THOUGHT STARTER:

Has a grudge ever helped you?

“Be gentle and ready to forgive; never hold grudges.
Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.”
—Colossians 3:13, LB

A bloody civil war raged in Uganda. There were shortages of food, water, vehicles, gasoline, and clothing. The roads had potholes the size of a car. Everywhere we looked there were ugly war machines: tanks, trucks, artillery. We had to pass through frequent checkpoints manned by armed teenaged soldiers. We were stopped twelve times while driving the twenty-five miles from the Entebbe airport to the capital city of Kampala. Each checkpoint made us open our bags for inspection.

The next day, we were to travel to the city of Goma where I was scheduled to address a meeting. Sam, my driver, had been scouring in vain to find some gasoline for our vehicle. We were three hours late when Sam finally came to me to say he found some gas for $30 per gallon. We needed fifteen gallons or $450 worth.

I questioned our going. Who would wait for a foreign speaker who is three hours late? Sam convinced me we should go. It was a slow, bumpy ride and there were more road blocks manned by unfriendly soldiers. We arrived at the meeting place which was packed with people. It was so hot and humid that the air in the room was almost unbearable.

I sat on the platform, looking out at the audience. I saw most of them were hungry. They were shabbily dressed and I knew no one in this audience had stood in front of a closet packed full of clothes and wondered what to wear. What could I say to these people when I had never wondered what I would eat or wear? I knew that many of them had suffered the death of a family member. Many of their families were scattered, some having fled into the forest to avoid being mowed down by hostile gunfire. I prayed silently, “Lord, I don’t know what to say to these people. God, you have to help me.”

The only thought that came to me was:

“The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law.”
(Galatians 5:22-23, NKJV)

I told them I believed that each one of them could have all they wanted of a free gift. The gift was the fruit of the Spirit. It was freely available to my people, and I believed it was also available to them.

AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE

After the meeting, a raggedly dressed man approached me. He said I seemed uncertain about my message. He reassured me that the fruit of the Spirit was available in Uganda, but I had left an important condition out of my message. He asked me if I would take the time to come to his home. He would like to tell me his story.

As we walked down a dusty road in the intense heat, he pointed to a large house, with perhaps five or six bedrooms, up in the hills. “That was my house,” he said, “but Idi Amin’s soldiers came one day and took it as headquarters for his army. My family had to flee and today they are in the forest. I had a Mercedes-Benz parked in front of my clothing store. One day the soldiers came and took my car. Then they took my store.”

We had been walking on this dusty road lined with mud-walled huts with thatched roofs. We came to one and he indicated that this was where he lived. We entered it: one dark room, dirt floor, and a box on the floor. He motioned to me to sit on the box. He sat on the other end of it and continued his story.

“I would sit in my chair and work myself into a frenzy over the soldiers who took my car, my business, my house, and scattered my family. I was consumed with hatred, bitterness, and anger.

When I was forced to leave my house, I took along a chair. I had a cow, also, which needed some fly spray. I traded my chair for the fly spray, but my cow died. I also had a goat and traded my goat for some seeds to plant a garden. But it didn’t rain, so my garden failed. Now I have no car, no business, no house, no family, no chair, no cow, no goat, no garden.

One day, as I sat on this box and rehearsed all of this, I thought I would burst with hatred and animosity. A man came to my door in the middle of this situation. He said he was a missionary and had come to tell me that God loved me. That’s all I heard. ‘God loves me?’ I exploded: ‘Do you know what has happened to me?’

In a rage, I picked that man up and threw him out of my house. God loves me! I was so mad I could hardly contain myself! To my surprise, the man got up and came back in. I was startled at his boldness. He said he had come to tell me about Jesus and would like to continue. He told me, ‘God loves you so much that He gave His own Son to die for you. If you ask Him, He will come into your life and change your heart.’

At the moment I was so furious I hardly knew what to do with myself. Then suddenly, what this man said gave me some hope. I needed something, so I asked Jesus to come into my life right then. He did.

Now I come to the part of my story that has to do with your message. I told you that something was missing.

When I asked Jesus to come into my life, I could still see my home occupied by soldiers, my Mercedes-Benz being driven by soldiers, my business ruined, my family scattered, without a garden, and wondering how to survive. My heart was still filled with animosity toward those soldiers. My new friend read me a Bible verse intended for children of God:

“If you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” (Matthew 6:14-15, NKJV)

A shaft of light into utter darkness! I needed to forgive those soldiers. I needed to love them. Suddenly I wanted to love them. I opened my heart and poured out all the hate and anger and bitterness that I had stored up there. All I wanted was the fruit of the Spirit in my heart.

“You are right,” he said. “We can have all we want for free. But you must meet God’s terms. You must forgive men their trespasses.”

My new friend said he was the richest man in Uganda. He had been released from the unbearable load of sin (hate, anger, bitterness) and now was basking in the unlimited wealth of the fruit of the Spirit. He reminded me that God is the source of the fruit of the Spirit. As we parted, I promised him that I would share his story with others.

THE CONDITION OF MY HEART

As I walked away, I remembered a man who had never paid me back some money I had lent him. I had nursed a grudge against him for a long time. (Webster’s defines a grudge as “cherished ill will with deep resentment at a real or imagined slight.”) I, too, had to release that grudge; I did after a struggle similar to my new friend’s struggle. The man still owed me the money, but what a difference to love a debtor instead of hating him.

My new friend faced greater problems than most of us can imagine. How foolish it was to add the pain resulting from hate, anger, and bitterness when he could change them for peace, joy, love, kindness, and forgiveness.

I can be just as angry over my little problems as my friend could be over his big ones. The fact that a man did not pay me back my money did not determine what was in my heart. His decision only revealed the condition of my heart. The money issue is between the man and me. The condition of my heart is between God and me.

I will never forget the man from Uganda who took the time to minister to me. In order for any of us to experience the fruit of the Spirit, we must let go of our pet grudges. For him it meant to forgive those unnamed soldiers. For me it was someone who failed to repay a debt owed to me.

Many people who come to me for help hold long-standing grudges. Years ago I naively thought that it would be music to their ears to hear that they could let them go and be released from the ill will and animosity that gripped their hearts. I have learned that for many people, the older a grudge (or a pet peeve) gets, the more precious it becomes, like a family heirloom. A person can carefully nurture a grudge. It may be toward someone several thousand miles away. You can recall such a grudge when you have an odd moment to reminisce, work yourself into a frenzy, then carefully put it aside until you have another off moment. To give up that grudge would be a sacrifice rather than release.

Remember, God loves us and will allow circumstances to come into our lives in order to show us what is in our hearts.

At another conference, in Zimbabwe, I told the audience the story of the Ugandan businessman who had lost everything when Idi Amin’s soldiers seized his possessions and his family had to flee to the forests. This businessman had peace in his heart only after he forgave the soldiers.

After my morning address, I received a note requesting a private meeting. To my surprise, I found myself sitting across from a couple from Uganda who had been urged by some friends to attend this conference. Deeply disturbed by a tragedy in their own lives, the couple had listened intently to the story of my Ugandan friend.

HOW CAN I FORGIVE?

As they sat before me, they told me how they had struggled to keep their business going in spite of the turbulence of Uganda’s last twenty years.

Then one day during the bloody reign of Idi Amin, they received a note stating their twenty-six-year-old son had been kidnapped and was being held for ransom. The parents did nothing for a few days, and then received a note threatening that their son would be killed if they did not pay the ransom.

The couple sought legal advice and consulted with the proper government authorities. They were advised to resist payment. Then came another note. This was the final warning. If payment was not made immediately, their son would be tortured and killed. As they agonized over what to do, they received a note stating that their son was dead. Grief stricken, the father tried to locate the body.

Finally he found someone who, for a price, would lead him to his son’s body. When he arrived at the appointed place late one night, he was seized by a group of soldiers and taken to a prison. In the same cell that had held his son, they stripped him to the waist and made him face a wall. With a whip made of leather strips, they cut his back to ribbons. They loaded him into the back of a pickup truck and dropped him off on a street corner. They shouted at him that if he ever tried to locate his son again, he would be killed.

Two years had passed. The couple had suffered bitter, deep hatred toward unknown soldiers who murdered their son and beat the father until he was unable to lie on his back for two months. They could no longer enjoy success in business, a spacious home in the country, and a happy family life. Now each day was filled with sorrow, hatred, and thoughts of revenge. The story of the Ugandan businessman had disturbed them; they wanted to know if I believed they were wrong to treasure their misery and keep their hatred alive. It seemed to them that resentment was normal and proper. To forgive the soldiers seemed to them to be inappropriate and disloyal to the memory of their son.

What could I say? Theirs was a tragic story. Surely they had the option to choose their own approach to the cruel, heartless event that had clouded their lives. The problem was so far removed from my own life experiences that it seemed almost from another world. I required more wisdom than I possessed. “God, help me,” I quietly prayed.

We sat in silence in a dimly lit room. I couldn’t think of anything to say to the dear couple. The woman’s eyes were filled with tears. The gentleman sat with his elbows on his knees and both hands covering his face. The wife whispered, “It would be a relief to put this behind us and get on with the future.” “Yes, it would,” he replied. “Can you help us?”

How could I help? I leaned back in my chair and thought to myself, “What would the Ugandan businessman who had lost everything say to them right now? I believe he would have said:

“Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:31-32, NKJV)

Murder and merciless beatings are heinous deeds. Many friends and associates assured them that revenge, anger, and hatred were natural responses. To think of being kind and tenderhearted and forgiving was beyond consideration. Would God want them to change their heart attitudes?

THE HEALING NATURE OF FORGIVENESS

As the three of us struggled in that dark room in Zimbabwe, it seemed to me that there was another presence in the room. God was there telling me to gently urge this dear couple to let go of their hostile spirit and let Him cleanse their hearts. He would give them a kind, tender, forgiving spirit. Jesus would say:

“I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you.” (Matthew 5:44, NKJV)

I suggested that they needed to pray for such a change of heart, and after a long silence, the man said in a trembling voice, “I am ready.” His wife said, “So am I.”

The three of us knelt by the bed in that quiet room. I have never heard such moving prayers. We stood up and embraced each other with tears of supernatural joy streaming down our cheeks.

The next day the man and his wife stood before the entire gathering. He told the group that he and his wife were leaving a heavy burden behind and looking forward to a new life in the future. I knew what he meant.

God’s children have full access to the limitless supply of the fruit of His Spirit: love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Isn’t it odd, therefore, that we should ever choose hatred, resentment, or anger, not over the great tragedies of life, but, more often over the small grievances of daily living?

Inevitably, my response is involved in a deed that needs my forgiveness. This response forces me into the need for personal examination. If there is anger, hatred, the desire for revenge, or physical attack, then I must deal with me before I can deal with the offense. I can get so preoccupied with the offense, I fail to recognize my own need. Jesus once advised a multitude:

“Why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? . . . Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck out of your brother’s eye.” (Matthew 7:3, 5, NKJV)

To forgive and be forgiven go hand in hand. Therefore, when someone trespasses against us, we usually must deal with our own sins as well as with the other person.

But people want to know when it is acceptable not to forgive. We are confronted on all sides with stories of physical abuse, sexual abuse, rape, unfaithfulness, stealing, suffering, swindling. The list is long. Is no one entitled to withhold forgiveness? Why should we forgive such treatment? The answer is clear.

The Ugandan couple experienced a miraculous cure when they were released from anger and bitterness. Forgiveness freed them from the non-productive and destructive emotions which chained them and enslaved them to the object of their anger. They found that forgiveness was the foundation of good mental health.

“These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33, NKJV)

Forgiving quiets your own heart.

DISCUSSION STARTERS

• Review the thought starter at the beginning of the chapter. What thoughts were started?
• Review the lead Bible verse. What does it say to you? Did you observe yourself in relation to the verse? Did you observe others in relation to the verse? Did you find any additional verses?
• What is your response to the lesson at the end of the chapter?

1. What is a pet peeve? A grudge? A feud? What sins describe these three situations?
2. Does living with the destructive emotions of any of these three situations change the situations?
3. What does it mean that your sins will not be forgiven if you don’t forgive?
4. Do you feel there are situations where you should not forgive?
5. Recall a situation where you struggled with letting go of a grudge.
6. Can you have peace in this world if you harbor a grudge?