Apicontent

“For rebellion is as the sin of divination, and insubordination
 is as iniquity and idolatry. Because you have rejected the word of the LORD, 
He has also rejected you from being king.” 
—1 Samuel 15:23, NASB

 This is a foundation block, a key in training children: all our actions must issue from a wellspring of affection, tenderness, love, kindness, and long-suffering.

In the last lesson, the emphasis was placed upon the importance of love as a foundation for training the child. But every parent soon encounters the child’s resistance to training—no matter how lovingly, or tenderly, or compassionately the child is treated. The material in this lesson deals with this problem.

Expect Resistance to Training

The following Bible verses indicate the need for discipline and imply that resistance to training is normal and can be expected: Proverbs 13:24; 15:10; 19:18; 22:15; 29:15; Ephesians 6:4; Hebrews 12:11. If you think your children will be delighted with everything you want them to do, you have an expectation that is unrealistic. If you intend to keep your children smiling all day long, you are tackling a futile venture. If you consider yourself a failure because your children don’t like what you want them to do at times, you misunderstand the nature of your children. They want their own way. You can expect resistance.

Your Responsibility

“Train up” your child.

A father tells of an incident that arose with his very beautiful daughter. She was offered a contract to become a model. There was only one obstacle in the way. Her dad would have to falsify her age on the contract because she was too young. She came home very happy and enthusiastic about this opportunity.

It would mean two hundred dollars a week for her while she was going to high school. Her mind was made up. However, because of his spiritual wisdom and personal integrity, her father refused to allow her to accept the contract. She argued: “Aren’t you interested in my future? What kind of a dad are you?”

She accused him of not loving her and not caring for her welfare. What was he to do? It was a very emotion-packed problem. However, there was a very simple solution. It is not right to lie about anything. He might expect that his daughter would be somewhat less than delighted with his decision. A father cannot always expect his children to appreciate his position. However, he must do the right thing.

The Bible does not teach us to humor the desires of our children. It does say, “Train up a child in the way he should go” (Proverbs 22:6). It does not even imply that he will appreciate your training. He may stubbornly resist you every inch of the way. The parent must remember that he is doing the training. Because he is the trainer, he must have some concept of the goals toward which he is working. The day will probably come when the young woman who aspired to be a model will look back on this experience with her dad and say, “I’m glad he did it.” That she may not be able to appreciate it now, he can understand. He should be kind and gentle and patient, but firm in his allegiance to what he knows to be right and best. She does not understand now, but some day she will.

We have all gone through periods when we could not have what we wanted and could not understand why. Yet, when we look back through the telescope of the years, discipline and denial make sense. We need not be so concerned with our children’s reaction to our discipline. The important thing is our wholesome reaction to their reaction.

Express True Love

The mother of a young child asks, “What do you do with a child who won’t do what you want her to do?” For example, she tells the child not to eat crackers in the living room. The child takes the crackers and eats them in the living room. If she insists on the child’s going back into the kitchen, the child begins to cry and says, “You don’t love me.” The psychology books say you should be sure your children know you love them. How do you demonstrate your love? By giving in? This child discovered that if, in her sweet little three-and-one-half-year-old style, she looked up at her mother and said, “You don’t love me,” her mother would take her up in her arms and say: “I do love you. You can eat crackers in the living room.” It is no wonder this girl is a neighborhood problem. Her mother says so and everybody agrees with her.

When your child questions your love, do you let him evaluate your affection for him? Who is a better judge of your love, the little child or you? Sometimes a young child may blurt out the truth to a parent who is motivated by resentment and hatred. But if in a tender, gentle way this mother can teach this little child that crackers are to be eaten in the kitchen, not in the living room; if she can demonstrate that whether the child pouts or screams, or throws herself on the floor, nothing will alter mother’s genuine affection for her, then she need not fear the child’s statement.

We are to “train up a child in the way he should go.” This is a foundation block, a key in training children: all of our actions must issue from a wellspring of affection, tenderness, love, kindness, and long-suffering.

Maintain the Right Spirit

When dealing with children, you must appreciate the fact that they are beset with the universal human weakness common to us all—the tendency to rebel or do wrong. However, you must hold up the standard and be the best example that you can. When you fail to live up to your standard, you should be just as quick to acknowledge it as you are to correct your child. All of us should have as our standard the conformity to Christ’s image (2 Corinthians 3:18; Ephesians 4:13). We are all to aim in that direction. Nevertheless, we are subject to the same temptations that our children face, and therefore we should have some appreciation of their deviations.

It is not unusual to go through some rough waters during the course of any day. Especially is this true in families where parents hold standards that are different from those of the majority of people. These standards may be challenged with all the vehemence of a youthful heart, just as parents challenged standards when they were young. But be careful that your training has a compassionate heart at its base. When your children challenge your standards and you must discipline them, be sure your spirit is what it should be. How do you show your love for a child? By training him in the way he should go.

Do not lower your standards

A boy who took a Red Cross swimming course failed in the final examination. The instructor naturally refused to give him a certificate. The boy went home sad and tearful because he had flunked the course. This touched the dad, who wanted to spare his son grief. Thinking he was doing the boy a favor, the father used his influence to get his son a certificate through a friend. As a result, the boy was given a Red Cross emblem to sew on his bathing suit. Sometime later, while swimming with other boys who wore the same emblem, but who had passed the course, he dived into some deep water; and trying but failing to keep up with the other boys, he was drowned. Did his dad really do him a favor? Was this an expression of love? Was it the proper reaction to the boy?

At a popular restaurant a sign posted at the entrance read, “No shoes, no shirt, no service.” A group not wearing shoes approached the hostess, turned on all their youthful charm, and used all their persuasive power to get in without shoes. The hostess finally yielded. Did she do them a favor? A sign that says, “No shoes, no shirt, no service,” means nothing if people don’t enforce it. An unenforced law is a farce. What did these youths learn? They found out that if you turn on enough charm, use plenty of persuasion, and apply the right kind of pressure, you can sometimes have what you want. They found that, for a time, there seems to be a way to get around the law. Is it fair to the youngsters to allow them to lower the standard? It is an unfortunate lesson for them to learn.

When you get something you are not supposed to have, you do not enjoy it. Your own conscience judges that you have no right to it; nevertheless, it is natural to want to violate standards, to cross limits. These examples illustrate this resistance to training. It is normal and can be expected.

Sin Is the Root of Resistance

What Is Sin?

The Bible tells us that “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23). What is sin? This is a word that many people dislike. At this point it will be helpful to review Lesson 4. Sin is selfishness. This includes bitterness, stubbornness, rebellion, anger, wrath, malice, hostility, and disobedience to parents. As we look upon our tender little ones, they seem clean and pure and innocent. We wish they were as innocent as they look, but we know that in their hearts lies the potential for all kinds of sin.

Children are Sinners

No one yet has presented the problem of a child who never disobeys. Did you ever hear of a child like that? To rebel is normal. It is part of human nature. Every time you give birth to a child you bring a rebel, a sinner, into the world. You may not like this, and the fact may make you feel uncomfortable. You wish it were not true, and many cannot believe it is. Both the Bible and experience, however, tell us that it is true. The minute you set a limit, your child will tend to want to break it. This is as normal as breathing. This applies not only to children. All of us have the tendency to rebellion.

Parents are Sinners

One of the biggest battles in counseling with tense, anxious, frustrated Christians is that of convincing them that they have sinned. “Are we not finished with sin when we are saved?” they ask. What is it that causes two Christians to have violent differences? It is sin (1 Corinthians 3:3). Transgression of the law in any detail is sin. The Bible tells us that “whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles in one point, he has become guilty of all” (James 2:10). If we could only realize the subtlety of sin! If only as Christian adults we could grasp the truth that when we have said or felt or thought or desired something that is out of line with the revealed will of God, this is displeasing to God and is sin! If we would maintain a constant spirit of repentance, we could save ourselves the frustrations of many a tense, anxious day and many a sleepless night. The next time you find yourself wrought up or trying to control your tongue from saying something that you know is not right, be honest with yourself. Be honest with God. Get off by yourself in a quiet place and confess and repent.

Degrees of Rebellion May Vary

In training children, we find that they all tend to be rebellious. It is true that there are different degrees of rebellion. The first child may be easygoing. A second child may be a violent rebel. The third child may be a silent rebel. These are all different degrees of the manifestation of sin. Anyone who has two children will tell you how different one is from the other. You wonder how your training could produce such variations. Anyone who has three will tell you how different each of them is from the other two! There is not necessarily anything wrong with you or your training. It is just that people are different, and we rebel in different ways and degrees. Some of us can do wrong in the most gracious way.

An example of gracious rebellion was observed in a nursery school. A little boy was there who had been told not to climb up on a table. He did so anyway. One of the women was about to scold him and take him down. He saw her coming, stretched out his arms, with a big smile wrapped his little arms around her, and before she could say anything, he said, ”I’m sorry.” She was about to say, “Get off the table!” Instead, she very gently put him down on the floor. She had no more than turned her back when he climbed on the table again. This child was just as rebellious as the child who might defiantly climb on the table. The diplomatic boy was just as wrong as a disagreeable child would have been—both disobedient.

Over and over, wherever there are children in this world, parents ask: “What am I going to do with my child? He won’t listen!” Of course, he won’t listen. A little child is rebellious and tends to do what he wants to do. Some children will be pleasant about it, and some will be objectionable about it. Either response manifests the same principle—man tends to rebel. Do you see how you can be far out of line and be very sweet about it? This is just as disobedient as being unpleasant. If you put two or more children together to play and leave them alone without any adult supervision, it will not be long before there is a conflict. Conflict among people in every age group is just as normal as breathing.

The Cure for Resistance

You should be rearing your children with the consciousness that they need a Savior and that they need a Keeper. They must find the power of God that will enable them to live right. You can control your children with stares, threats, promises, rewards, and many other techniques. The only effective control, however, is that of the child’s being motivated by a love for God—not only by a love for you or a fear of you.

A mother, speaking of a son who had gotten into some trouble, said: “I am so glad he didn’t tell me about these terrible things he has done until I returned from my trip. It would have spoiled my vacation.” This mother was as serious as she could be. She did not realize that her boy needed a better reason for being good than that of keeping his mother from fretting. She had told him that her happiness depended upon his behaving himself.

You must have a much better reason than this for asking your children to conform. If you use the threat of your own unhappiness, you deny the very essence of being and living as a Christian. And what is meant by that? Just this: no matter how cantankerous your children are and no matter how upsetting the affairs of your life may be, your peace of mind in Christ should be independent of circumstances. You should teach your children these things, and they will learn them best by seeing a demonstration (Philippians 4:5-7). These are not just beautiful words. Peace, comfort, consolation, and joy should be your daily experience by faith in God through the Lord Jesus Christ. The resistance to your training should develop these qualities in you.

Study Assignment for Lesson 10

1. Look up and study all the Scripture used or mentioned in the text.
2. How should we expect children to act? Give examples.
3. How should rebellion be handled? What is the importance of the parent’s attitude?
4. What is the relationship of the problem of sin to rearing children?
5. Show how rebellion can be manifested in different ways.
6. What is the solution to the control of a child’s rebellious ways?

Personal Evaluation Test 5

Check up on yourself as a parent.

Answer the following “Yes,” “No,” or “Sometimes”

______   1. Am I seeking to make disciples of my children?

______   2. Am I a good example to my children?

______   3. Do I chasten my children in a fit of temper?

______   4. Am I sarcastic to my children?

______   5. When I say no, do I mean NO?

______   6. Do I get angry when my children resist me?

______   7. Do all my actions toward my children stem from affection, kindness and longsuffering?

______   8. Do I express my love to my children by training them in the way they should go?

______   9. Do I turn the cold shoulder to my children to keep them in line?

______   10. Do I constantly change my standards?

Click here to check your answers.

 

Self-Check Test 10

Are you making progress?

In the space provided, mark the following statements “True” or “False.”

______   1. All parents can expect resistance from their children.

______   2. A parent must have some concept of the goals toward which he is working
                  in training his children.

______   3. When a child questions his parents’ love, the child’s challenge should be
                  accepted at its face value.

______   4. The spirit in which discipline is administered is an important factor, especially
                  when children challenge parental standards.

______   5. An unenforced law is a farce.

______   6. It is only small children who have the tendency toward rebellion.

______   7. All children react alike to training and discipline.

______   8. Conflict among people in every age group is just as normal as breathing.

______   9. Threats, promises, and rewards guarantee that a child will be properly
                  motivated to obey.

______   10. Resistance to parental training should develop high qualities in parents.

Click here for the answers to these questions.

“You shall set bounds for the people all around, saying,
‘Beware that you do not go up on the mountain or touch the border of it;
whoever touches the mountain shall surely be put to death.’” 
—Exodus 19:12, NASB

The setting of limits is inherent in the need for authority and security. Just as our God sets limits for us, enforcing them by chastisement, so should we with our children.

Happy parenthood involves the willing acceptance of the task of training children. It is natural that we should be puzzled from time to time by the behavior of our children. Growing up in a world of television, babysitters, and nuclear fission is something new. A great change has taken place in family relationships, and most of us have moments of doubt: are we being too strict or too lenient?

Amid a rapidly changing world, there are still some fixed points for the guidance of Christian parents. There are some methods that you can follow for training your children in the way they should go. Four of these are setting limits, supervision, help, and a positive approach. This lesson will consider setting limits; Lesson 12 will discuss the other three. These rules of action are emphasized in the Word of God as principles for Christian living. (Study Galatians 6:1; 1 Peter 5:2-3; 1 Timothy 3:4; Exodus 20 and related verses that you may find.)

The Necessity for Limits

Whenever one life crosses another, it is necessary to establish certain guidelines to make possible friendly relations. These guidelines, whether written or followed by mutual consent, prescribe and limit activity—do’s and don’ts. We refer to them here as limits. The fewer limits the better, but the ones you set must be firm, definite, fair, and consistent. From pre-school age on up, limits are necessary. In the home or neighborhood, the smallest children need certain limits pertaining to safety, sharing, destroying, hurting others, taking turns, and respecting others’ feelings.

It should be understood that children will never maintain limits perfectly. Parents often ask, “How often must I tell that child to behave before he will do it?” The answer is, “Constantly.” Children have their ups and downs just as adults do. However, the pre-school child does make a beginning toward accepting limits. For example, a teacher was showing a three-year-old boy the meaning of sharing toys with other children. Sometime later she was looking on as he and another boy were playing together. The three-year-old slipped up to the other child, who was playing with a little car, grabbed it out of his hand, and said, “Let’s share.” How you handle such an incident is important. This little boy was just beginning to learn the concept of sharing, even though he misunderstood. He needed some careful teaching, not a scolding.

Agreement on Limits

The limits set in any family should be mutually agreeable to both the father and the mother; otherwise, children learn to play one parent against the other. To illustrate, at a banquet in a church one evening Jimmy whispered to his mother, “May I go to the car and play the radio?” “No, you may not!” she replied. So Jimmy watched until his mother was engaged in conversation. He then quietly turned to his father and said, “How about the keys to the car, Dad, so I can go out and listen to the radio?” Without thinking, Dad reached in his pocket, gave his son the keys, and Jimmy disappeared outside. When Dad and Mom came to themselves and realized what had happened, they found it hard to apply discipline because they themselves had disagreed. This is not an unusual occurrence, is it? It is important that husbands and wives be in agreement on limits. The older children become, the more clever they are in pitting one parent against the other. Therefore, it is important that from the early stages of your marriage you accept the fact that whenever one person’s life crosses another there must be some definite understanding so that the relationship may develop smoothly.

Limits and Neighbors

When it comes to training children, the responsibility for carrying out limits lies with the parent. The character and the understanding of the parent are much more trustworthy than the understanding of the child.

The following experience of one parent illustrates the fact that your limits may not be appreciated by your children and seemingly are not always appreciated by the neighbors.

This parent felt that her child should not cross the busy highway on his bicycle. The other parents in the neighborhood said to their children, “If the rest of the mothers say their children can do it, you can do it.” The gang would go to this woman’s house and plead, but she would say, “No! you can’t do it.” Her child was distraught. “Everybody else’s mother says we can go. You always keep us from going” — as much as to say, “What kind of a mother are you?”

After this happened a few times, the children went once again with the same request. All the other mothers said they could go. Finally, the harassed mother yielded to the pressure and let them go. Suddenly she was hailed as a wonderful mother because the children could have their way. But they had hardly gotten started when the telephone rang. One of the neighbors had called, saying, “Did you tell the children they could cross the street?” “Why, yes.” The neighbor replied, “We were depending on you not to let your child go.”

To have a happy home you may hold standards or values that will seem odd to the neighbors; or your neighbors may silently respect you. In either case, you had better do what is right before God, not what is right in your child’s eyes, or perhaps in the eyes of the mother next door. And if the mother next door doesn’t like this, you still must be pleasant to her from your heart. This requires complete consecration and yieldedness to God.

Limits Outside the Home

It is important for small children to have supervised contacts outside the home. This is important because limits outside the home are different from those within the home. Adults not in the family will react differently also. A child’s first attempts to approach other children or his reactions to being approached by other children are usually similar to those at home. If he is accustomed to taking what he wants, asking for what he wants, or looking longingly at what he wants, he will do so outside the home. However, the response to his approach by other children or adults may be different from what he is accustomed to at home. His approach, successful at home, may be unsuccessful outside the home.

To illustrate, a four-year-old girl, the only child in the family, and the pride and joy of her parents, went to nursery school. She had learned her manners well. Whenever she wanted something, she would say, “Please, may I have it?” Her parents would then grant her most of her requests. At school she walked up to a little girl nearby and said, “Please, may I have that doll?” “No,” was the answer. The four-year-old returned to her mother with a puzzled look on her face and explained, “I said please, and she won’t give it to me.” The mother, too, looked puzzled. The teacher told the mother and child that what might be a successful approach in the home would not necessarily work outside the home. The other child had rights also. It is important that a young child should have such contacts at her own age level outside the home, so that she can learn the facts of life four-year-old style.

Adults Have Limits

The following excerpts from a father’s letter to his son at graduation time, though written as humor, convey a vital message:

Dear Son,

I’m sure you are thrilled by the idea of taking your place at last in adult affairs—a station of life you probably look upon as a time when “big people” will stop telling you to do things … or not to do things …. Your dad has found out that the chains of adult life are wrought of stiffer stuff than the feeble fetters of childhood. Believe me, no one ever suffered a furrowed brow from such simple commands as “Eat your cereal” …. “Do your homework” …. “Report for band practice.” What once may have seemed a terribly harsh order, “Put away your comic book,” will pale into insignificance when compared with “Cut out all pastries and sweets.”

The bigger you get, the bigger other people seem to get—if not bigger in stature, then bigger in authority.

For example, did you see the look on dad’s face when the Internal Revenue man ordered him to report to the collector’s office with his last year’s tax receipts? … When a traffic officer says, “Pull over to the curb,” dad pulls. When grandmother says, “Roll up the window,” dad rolls up …. I just want to prepare you for a lifetime of saying, “Yes, sir,” to master sergeants, shop foremen, loan company executives, bank tellers, tradesmen, public officials, car dealers, game wardens, and a host of other people you never dreamed were your superiors. Even the most politely phrased commands, like “Please remit” or “Kindly step back in the bus” are still commands. Ushers will order you down an aisle; headwaiters will tell you where to sit; courts will summon you for jury duty; the city hall will notify you to shovel the snow off your sidewalk.

You will be dragged off to parties at other people’s houses, and dragged out of bed by people who come to your house. You will be kept off the grass by policemen and kept up by week end guests. You will be put on committees and put off busses. This is the true life beyond commencement. Congratulations and good luck.

Dad

P. S. Get a haircut for graduation.

This letter illustrates some of the reasons why small children need to begin learning about limits and living by them.

The following quotation gives some additional reasons which point out basic needs that limits can help meet:

[God’s] love (Hebrews 12:6) meets a real need; His love is strong enough and wise enough to set limits. These God-given limits mean wonderful, comforting freedom from worry and uncertainty ….

The most important aspect of being an adequate father is the acceptance and handling of authority … accepting someone’s authority over and responsibility for you, accepting the place of authority over and responsibility over others.

Without the setting of limits, by virtue of authority, there is no security. Knowing exactly where “the old man” draws the line, just what are the limits, and that they are well enforced means a happy, efficient organization. A taut ship is a happy ship.

The setting of limits is inherent in the need for authority and security. Just as our God sets limits for us, enforcing them by chastisement, so should we with our children. The setting of intelligent, thoughtful, reasonable limits is a God-delegated duty—limits that are in line with the needs of the child and appropriate to his age, understanding and moral values.

We need to avoid meeting our own needs or whims in disciplining the child while striving to meet his—in keeping with moral principles and a Christian testimony …. As the child grows in knowledge and understanding of God’s Word, authority is transferred from you, the natural father, to God, the heavenly Father. … Have you surrendered, or only complied with, God’s authority?¹

¹Norwell J. Peterson, “The Father—God’s Surrogate,” Christian Medical Journal, January-February, 1957, pages 9, 10.

Study Assignment for Lesson 11

1. What do we mean by “setting limits?” What is the reason for them and how do they pertain to training children?
2. Why should children be taught limits outside the home?
3. Contrast the limits of adulthood with those of childhood.
4. What is the relationship between the authority of parents and the authority of God? between security and setting limits?
5. What problems are involved regarding neighbors and their setting of limits for a happy home?

Self-Check Test 11

Mark the following statements “True” or “False.”

______   1. Happy parenthood involves the willing acceptance of the task of training children.

______   2. The great change which has taken place in family relationships in recent years has removed all fixed points for the guidance of Christian parents.

______   3. Children can be expected to maintain limits perfectly.

______   4. The limits set in any family should be mutually agreeable to both parents.

______   5. The ultimate responsibility for carrying out limits lies with the child.

______   6. The limits set by a family should always conform to those set by other families.

______   7. Limits outside the home are identical with those within the home.

______   8. The child who has learned to get his own way at home will be sure always to get his own way outside the home.

______   9. One of the joys of adulthood is that limits and restraints no longer need to be observed.

______   10. The setting of intelligent, thoughtful, reasonable limits is a God-delegated duty of parents.

Click here for the answers to these questions.

“…then watch yourself, that you do not forget the LORD
who brought you from the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery.” 
—Deuteronomy 6:12, NASB

Parenthood is a big task. This course has been written to help you move in the right direction. Lesson 12 gives pointers on help and supervision and on your approach in handling children. This concluding lesson does not exhaust the responsibilities involved in being an adequate parent. However, this course has been designed to give you some important “Keys to Happy Family Living.” As you apply the understanding derived from this study, you should be a better parent.

Helping Children to Learn

Help children keep limits

Do you remember the boy who was learning to share? It is important to handle an incident like this carefully. Here was a child who was just beginning to grasp a new idea. He still did not correctly understand it. He needed a little help. The teacher had to go to the boy and in a very gentle and firm manner say, “You must give it back. When he is through with the car, you may have it.” The boy did not want to give it back, but his playmate also had his rights. The car was to be shared only after his playmate had kept it for a reasonable time.

Help in applying the rule

You can give a child a simple rule or a simple reason. You do not need to repeat that reason twenty times. What your child needs is a little help in applying the rule. In the case of the two small boys, this help meant taking the car from one boy and giving it back to his playmate. The offender in this situation did not need to be punished; he did need to be helped.

We must work with our children in the spirit of a helpful teacher. Remember that everything is not taught in one day. You have many years to train your children. This necessitates understanding and consistency, gentleness and fairness. We adults are still struggling with some of these principles of right living. We cannot expect our children to become perfect overnight. It is easy for us to tell them to share their toys, but how freely in heart do we share our lawn mower or our automobile? Children value their possessions much as we do ours.

Help in accepting limits

All children need help in accepting limits. A four-year-old girl is an example of this. Her mother, in despair, said, “I am rearing a little delinquent.” This was true. The child was the terror of the block. Today this child is developing normally because her mother learned from a friendly neighbor the secret of setting reasonable limits and helping the child observe them.

One day this little four-year-old was playing in the neighbor’s house. She had scattered blocks all over the room. She decided that it was time to go home and went to the closet to get her coat. The neighbor said, in his firm way, “We should pick up the blocks before you go.” ”I’m not picking up any blocks,” she responded. She proceeded to the closet. This little girl needed someone to help her take care of the blocks. Realizing the child’s need, the neighbor, gently but firmly, led her back to the center of the room. The child wasn’t going to pick up any blocks, and it was a real struggle for the neighbor to help her. With her hand in his, he picked up a block and put it away. He picked up the second one and the third one. She said, “Leave me alone. I’ll do it myself.” He left her alone, but the minute he released his hand, she darted toward the closet. He went after her and brought her back. She was very rebellious and needed some more external help. She did not need a scolding or a threat or a spanking. Those techniques had been tried unsuccessfully by her mother. The neighbor started over again with the child’s hand in his. She did not like it. She protested, but they were getting the job done. He was not doing it for her. He was doing it with her. This is a very important principle. She was not just standing there watching him. Again she said, “Let me alone. I’ll do it myself.” He let her go. This time she stood there to watch him do it. He took her hand in his and started at the job again. Finally, the third time she said, “Let me alone.” He let her alone, and she started doing it herself.

It is true that he did most of the work. It would have been easier for him to do it all himself, but this would not have taught the child what she needed to learn. He did not alienate that child; in fact, his house was her favorite spot for play. She knew that in his home there were definite boundaries, whereas she did not have the security of known limits in her own home. If she yelled, kicked, and screamed, to quiet her the parents would adjust the limits they had set up.

If a child screams in his rebellion, it is more important to see to it that he observes the limits than that his screaming be stopped. The issue should not be, “Stop your screaming.” A child persists in screaming only when he gets the desired results. However, there does not have to be any conditional position in your own mind. If your request is fair and reasonable, then with all kindness help your child fulfill it. You will not make an invalid out of him. You will be teaching him.

Supervision Is Needed

Supervision is necessary wherever limits are set up. This is not only true for children, but also for adults. Most fathers are supervised on their jobs. Why do businesses and big corporations spend many thousands of dollars on supervision? It is normal for all of us to wander away from prescribed limits. This is graphically stated in Romans 3:12: “ALL HAVE TURNED ASIDE, TOGETHER THEY HAVE BECOME USELESS; THERE IS NONE WHO DOES GOOD, THERE IS NOT EVEN ONE.”

Parents ought not to be disappointed if their children need supervision or help. This is the major task and privilege of parenthood. Consider Proverbs 29:15, 17:

“The rod and reproof give wisdom, But a child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother. …. Correct your son, and he will give you comfort; He will also delight your soul.”

Parenthood, therefore, involves a combination of setting limits and then supervising and helping our children so that the limits will be observed.

Help children by demonstration

Another example of this principle of help involves several children playing around a slide. One child had begun to use the slide, and then all the children wanted to use it. Each one wanted to be first, but children need to learn the principle of taking turns. A wise adult approached and gave help. He chose Mary at random and said: “Mary, you first; Johnny is next; and Sally is after Johnny. Tommy is after Sally,” and so on. Soon these children understood the idea of taking turns. They merely needed help by means of a demonstration.

Follow up orders that are not obeyed

Distinguish between words and a real limit

Your children will make a distinction between words and a real limit at your house. You might say, for example, “Children, we are going to eat now.” No one moves. You are in the middle of mashing potatoes and not ready yourself. Your family gets accustomed to your chatter as a worker gets accustomed to the noise in a factory. The noise is there, but they don’t hear it. The same thing happens in a family if you just talk about limits but are not bound by them yourself and are not prepared to carry them through. You are wasting your time by yelling if you do not follow through. This confusion only creates an unwholesome atmosphere in your home.

Some children were playing in a neighbor’s yard. A mother called from across the fence, “Johnny!” Johnny kept on playing. She called a second time and a third. One of the children heard it and said, “Johnny, your mother wants you to go home.” “Oh, I don’t have to go home yet.” Finally, the mother called again with a much different tone and volume, “Johnny!” Some of us have two kinds of voices. There is the voice that means “Hop to it this minute!” and there is the voice the child does not associate with action. A mother may wonder what is the matter with her child because he will not respond to her call. Often the reason is that she is not prepared to follow through. If she calls, she should be prepared to follow up her call. It is the intent to carry things out that makes a difference.

Another mother tells this story: “I want my daughter to take the garbage out. So I ask her in my most pleasant voice, ‘Will you please take the garbage out to the bin?’ The child does not move. I ask her again and again in a pleasant voice, but with no response. My question is, ‘How long do you have to be agreeable before you can get angry?’ Usually about the fourth time I am really irritated. I stop washing dishes, wipe my hands on my apron, and go see that she obeys me. When I do this, my daughter knows I mean business, and she does what I tell her. Why won’t my child mind until I get angry?”

Enforce limits rigidly in kindness

There is an easy solution. The girl does not respond to her mother’s request until about the fourth time because she has learned by experience that her mother does not intend to follow through until then. The mother is attempting to set up a positive limit; namely, that it is her daughter’s job to take out the garbage; but the child knows that only the angry voice and not the pleasant voice means, “You must do it right now!” Could not the child just as easily learn by experience that the quiet voice carries the positive command as well as the angry voice? The simple solution is for mother to enforce her first and not her fourth request.

The secret of discipline is the setting of reasonable limits and enforcing them rigidly in kindness. If you say, “It is bedtime,” set down whatever you are doing and in a kind but firm manner, help your child do what you want him to do.

Positive Approach in Supervision

Many times in a day your child will need your help with dressing, eating, playing, carrying out a task, obeying a limit. You will need to be continually redirecting an activity, resolving a conflict with another child, and the like. Many times in a day, an adult decision followed by appropriate action is necessary.

The positive approach

A little boy four years of age was in an ugly mood. He was looking for trouble. When his playmate came along, he knocked him down and was pounding him. His mother pulled him off. He was kicking, screaming, and yelling as she marched him into the house. He hissed: “Let me alone. I’m going to cut you up in pieces and throw you in the garbage can!” Mother replied: “I know you feel that way, but until you cool off you cannot be out there with the rest of the children. I’ll just wait here with you until you do.”

She did not react negatively to his negative behavior. She was firm with him, and isolated him until he cooled off. This is what is meant by a positive approach. We can, by God’s grace, maintain a spirit of tenderness, kindness, and gentleness regardless of the child’s behavior. Parents need not look at every incident that happens during the day as a crisis, but as part of a continuing learning process. Parents must remember that they are teachers. Accordingly, any incident should be viewed in the perspective of years of learning.

The following incident occurred in a nursery school, where the teachers were making good progress with a boy who had been accustomed to biting other children who resisted him. He had not bitten anyone for a long time. This day he came in sleepy and crabby. He wanted a tricycle that a playmate was using. The playmate refused to give it up, so the ill-natured boy bit him. As the teachers approached the children, both boys were in tears. One could see that the offender knew he had done wrong. One teacher hurried to his playmate to reassure him. The other teacher hurried to the crabby boy and took him into a corner. She said, “You forgot, didn’t you?” “Yeah, I forgot,” he answered. In this case, her approach was much more effective than if she had glared at him and said, “You little brat! I ought to whip the daylights out of you for doing that!” It was clear that he was sorry. The teacher went on to remind him that there were people who could help him get what he wanted. Soon he got up, went to one of the women and said, “Will you help me get a tricycle, please?”

Do you see the underlying principle here? It is not suggested that you let your children run wild. That must be emphasized. You can deal with your child’s most obnoxious behavior in a gentle but firm way. There is a difference between gentle firmness and hostile firmness. A basic tenderness for the child, no matter what the behavior at the moment, is an important invisible help in training children. The boy who was pounding his playmate was handled very differently from the boy who bit his playmate. In either case, the key to the situation was the manner of the adults involved. Kindly and firmly insisting that children behave is far more effective than indulging them, letting them run wild, or allowing them their every whim. A positive approach toward the boy who bit his playmate helped him learn to overcome frustration.

The key to a positive approach is an overall kind feeling for children, not a reaction to what they do at the moment. It takes many years for a child to become an adult. Parents need to be consistent. As parents “train up a child in the way he should go,” they can rejoice in the promise of the Word of God that “when he is old he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6).

Dealing with the Unpredictable

Over and over again, parents are faced with unexpected incidents involving the child, incidents which give endless variety and humor to the task of parenthood. It is at such moments that the basic spirit of the parent is on trial. A positive approach is needed at these unexpected moments if it is ever needed. There are, of course, those times when you can carefully weigh all sides of a matter, when you will discuss it and plan carefully what you will say and do. However, the snap decision and the way you react to it really set the tone in your home.

The following illustration clarifies what is meant by the unexpected incident:

One morning a mother of three children walked into the kitchen. She was humming happily to herself as she entered. The three boys were grouped around the kitchen sink chattering good-naturedly. She thought to herself that they were getting along agreeably together. Then to her consternation she saw what they were doing. On the drainboard by the sink was a pile of a dozen eggshells and in a bowl were the dozen eggs. The mother was enraged and proceeded to give the boys a angry lecture, telling them that for the rest of the day each must stay in the house and be isolated.

This is what the boys were doing: one had gotten the idea that he would poke a hole in the end of a raw egg, empty the shell, and as a joke throw it at his mother. Emptying the contents of the egg proved to be a very interesting experience, so they did it to another egg. They enjoyed it so much that they went through the whole dozen.

After her angry tirade, the mother began to think more rationally. Here she was, enraged, spoiling her day for herself and for her children over a dollar’s worth of eggs. She was ashamed, repented before God, called her children, and confessed that she had acted in a very inappropriate way. Then she made it plain that their deed was not to be repeated. Permission to do such things was needed from her. Everyone was relieved. That noon they all enjoyed scrambled eggs—and later on scrambled egg snacks.

Points to ponder

When you must do something about an incident involving your child, you need to remember some specific helps as you approach him in a positive manner.

1. Physical and verbal approach

When there is a disturbing incident among children, you must go to the scene in person. Such incidents are seldom a life-and-death matter. You need to arrive at the scene in a relaxed, casual manner. You can move rapidly without appearing hurried or upset. You seldom need to get there at top speed, with your hair flying and all out of breath.

Give thought to your first words. Even if the children are screaming and hitting, you can take a few seconds to consider what you will say or do when you get there. Tone of voice and choice of words are important. You can speak firmly, but in a kind way.

Get eye-to-eye contact. It helps to be on the same level with the person to whom you are talking. You need not stand over your children, looking down on them and they up at you. Scoop them up in your arms, or get down to where they are.

2. Attitudinal approach

What led up to the situation? Often parents bear down on children with no plan of approach. If you are to be helpful, you need to know what happened. As you drew near the group, you may have seen the whole situation or you may not have. It is equally important that you know what was said between the children. Parents tend to ignore the words exchanged between children. If you do not know what happened, your first task is not to say, “You kids, quit your fighting!” No doubt they want to quit as much as you want them to quit. Rather, your first task is to find out what led up to the situation. This need not be a cross-examination. If everyone talks to you at once, or if there is disagreement over what happened, you simply will not get the facts.

Remedy the situation. You will need to take action with or without the facts. If you can get the facts easily, you will be fortunate. If you lack information, be aware of your lack. Perhaps the children were too loosely supervised in the first place. There was no one around to see what was happening until the outburst occurred. Be slow to judge or to fix blame. Keep your questions to a minimum. Remember that your firm, kind manner will be the key to the situation. Never give a choice unless you are prepared to accept either choice. The children may need help through positive, firm adult action. You can try distraction, channeling their activities in another direction, isolation, retiring disputed equipment, kind physical restraint.

Trial and error on the part of the adult are involved. Your first attempt may or may not be successful. No one makes perfect decisions always. The final result may not mean happiness for all concerned. You may need to help a child accept frustration. This is often done best in silence. To illustrate, your child might tearfully sob, “I want that truck.” But he can’t have the truck just now. Within you, silent acceptance and sympathy for his desire are in order. This is no time for a lecture on sharing. This is the time for a demonstration.

You need to accept children’s negative reactions in a tense moment, but you need not give in to them. Remember that, in the perspective of a year of living, this is just an incident and that you are the steadying, dependable influence. You never know what your children will do next, but they ought to know what you will do next. When the incident is over, cease talking about it.

Conclusion

Parenthood is a full-time job. To qualify, you need to be a person of inner peace—the peace that passes understanding, given by God, and evidenced in the unexpected, unprepared for, unwanted twists and turns of life. This inner peace, then, makes life a fascinating, pleasant journey, wherever it may lead. Parenthood, to be successful, requires a partnership of two people dedicated to the task of blending their bodies, souls, and spirits into a unit that is dedicated to serving God and pleasing Him.

Parenthood requires an acceptance of the task, the desire to understand it, the willingness to be as diligent in preparation and performance as the most accomplished artist, business leader, or professional.

Conflicts and problems will arise. These can lead you to ever higher levels of accomplishment as you demonstrate the power of God through them. To identify problems and solve them is to find success. To cover them up or pretend they are not there is to taste defeat. Each partner should be ready and willing to see his part in any decision or task and do it as a dedicated servant of God.

There is nothing magic or accidental about living a life of happiness, peace, and joy. Building a happy family requires that you abide in Christ. There is nothing easy or automatic about it.

Guiding children implies a purpose and a goal. You need to know where you are going. You need to assume responsibility for influencing your children. Your influence for good or for ill will probably count more than any other in the lives of your children (Proverbs 22:8). You must work hard to make learning wholesome and effective for your children.

Parenthood is a twenty-year-long job. If you do your work well, you will lose your children. They will leave to attend to their own careers and families. Therefore, it is important that you should be effective partners, that you should keep in touch with each other and stay friends. You will reach your later years just as you started—only the two of you facing a new and glorious life together. You ought to train your family with this goal in mind: that when the day comes for you to say “Godspeed” to your children as they begin to plan for their own families, it will be a joyful day for both of you, with memories of happy years gone by. Then you can look ahead with a keen anticipation because you have trained your child in the way he should go (Proverbs 22:6). Then you and your partner can look deep into each other’s united souls and anticipate the time when the risen Lord will say to you, “Well done, thou good and faithful servant.” Meanwhile, with mutual consent you can say, “Bring on our new life together and let us make it a fruitful one for the glory of God.”

Study Assignment for Lesson 12

1.  Illustrate an incident when a child should be helped, not punished.

2.  What is the meaning of enforcing the setting of limits by giving help to a child?

3.  What is included in the use of this positive approach?

4.  What is the significance of unexpected incidents?

5.  List as many helps as you can find to the positive approach to children’s behavior.

6.  Write a short review of the conclusion of this course.

This course will be helpful to you if you apply its teaching to your personal life.

Self-Check Test 12

In the space provided, mark the following statements “True” or “False.”

______   1. The only thing required in teaching a child a simple rule or a simple reason is to repeat it many times.

______   2. All children need help in accepting limits.

______   3. Supervision is necessary wherever limits are set up.

______   4. Children will make a distinction between words

______   5. The secret of disciplining is the setting of reasonable limits and enforcing
                  them rigidly in kindness.

______   6. Parents need to look on every incident that happens during the day as a crisis.

______   7. The key to a positive approach is an over-all kind feeling for children.

______   8. When an unpredictable situation arises, the basic spirit of the parent is on trial.

______   9. When correcting a disturbing incident, eye-to-eye contact and a parent’s first words are both of supreme importance.

______   10. Parents need to be looking ahead to the time when their children will have grown up.

Click here for the answers to these questions.