Apicontent

“… encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children,
to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands,
so that the word of God will not be dishonored.” 
—Titus 2:4-5, NASB

 The heart attitude of the wife toward her husband is following after him as he follows after Christ. Proper submission was expressed by Paul when he wrote, “Be imitators of me, just as I also am of Christ” (1 Corinthians 11:1).

This lesson will discuss the broad duties of a wife. In Romans 12 and 1 Corinthians 12, Paul says that all Christians are members of one body, each member having a different purpose. So it is in a marriage. The husband and wife are one body, each one having a distinct purpose. Teamwork will produce a happy, satisfying partnership.

Submission to Your Husband

What submission means

Again, Paul says, “Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord” (Ephesians 5:22). Many Christians acknowledge that submitting to the Lord was difficult. The decision was postponed again and again because becoming a Christian meant giving up attitudes, practices, and a way of life that gave them pleasure and joy. They believed that life would be dull and uninteresting and frustrating without these pleasures. Then they submitted to the Lord. They found a joy, a peace, a sense of contentment and serenity that made the old way of life seem drab in comparison. There was nothing to give up; there was a far better way to take up.

Jesus said, “For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many” (Mark 10:45). As the last lesson indicated, this should be the heart attitude of the husband, who is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the Head of the church. On the other hand, Paul wrote, “Wives, be subject to your own husbands…” (Ephesians 5:22). Does this mean resignation, the end of having an opinion, slave-driving? Not at all! This can really mean teamwork, planning, working out a plan, sharing opinions, stimulating each other to heights previously unknown to either.

Proper submission was further expressed by Paul when he wrote, “Be imitators of me, just as I also am of Christ” (1 Corinthians 11:1). This should be the heart attitude of the wife toward her husband—following after him as he follows after Christ. Such submission to the leading of a husband is a basic condition for a happy marriage.

Failure to submit illustrated

One couple could not agree on who should control the money and there were other conflicts of opinion. There were many verbal barrages. She wanted a new washer and dryer. He said she would get them over his dead body. Her response was to go buy them. In retaliation, the husband went on a drinking spree that lasted several days. For spite he bought a new car. Do you think that woman had any joy out of her appliances? They were a rebuke to her every time she used them. Nor did the husband enjoy driving that car.

Here were two people who had acquired some equipment that should have given each of them joy and satisfaction. Instead, these useful things became a continuing bone of contention. Behind the strife over money was the unsettled question of submission. Both persons were asserting a spirit of independence and selfishness.

Submission illustrated

In one sense, the wife has the greater adjustment to make after marriage. This is especially true if she has had the experience of working at a steady job, if she has tasted the stimulation and challenge of the business world. Her husband goes on with his career. The wife must often leave a position that is interesting and pleasant for other tasks that seemingly are uninteresting, less pleasant, less challenging. Submission to the routine of managing the home and parenthood is essential to building a happy marriage.

To illustrate, a young wife had to return to work after two years of marriage. This seemed necessary because she and her husband were unable to make the down payment on the purchase of a house. She had looked forward to marriage with much joy and anticipation. After the wedding she gladly gave up her job in an office in order to become a homemaker. Very quickly, however, she discovered that such things as sweeping, scrubbing, washing, pregnancy, diapers, and feeding children were not to her liking. This she kept to herself. She did grin and bear it. This was her own little secret. However, she cast longing eyes at the outside world. She gladly returned to work to help out with expenses. The thoughts of returning to activities that she loved were most comforting. However, she found that getting back to work did not develop into the pleasant task that she had hoped. She found herself divided between the attraction of the work world and the duties of parenthood and homemaking. She began to realize that her willingness to return to work was based more on her dislike for homemaking than upon her desire to help with the finances. Fleeing the task of homemaking was not the answer any more than fleeing from Nineveh was the answer for Jonah. Her basic problem was submission. How would she ever adjust to homemaking? She found the answer. The answer was not to grin and bear it. The answer was to submit to the joy and peace that God would give her to do the job. In either case, she did the work; but submitting to God made it a pleasant, enjoyable task.

Remember the truth expressed in God’s word to Israel: “If you consent and obey, you will eat the best of the land” (Isaiah 1:19). Obedience is not enough. Submitting to your husband means willingly submitting also to the responsibilities of homemaking—not resignation, but submission.

Submission to Older Women

One of the tasks given to “aged women” is that of teaching “the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored” (Titus 2:4-5).

Here is a new career to master. Paul suggests that the wife should look to older, more experienced women for training. This is a wholesome concept. Most big businesses pass knowledge gained from many years of service down from older, experienced employees to new, inexperienced employees. In this way, the best methods are preserved. This again implies submission. It implies the willingness to learn from others. This idea goes counter to much modern-day thinking—that older people have nothing to contribute to the younger generation. To give proper honor and appreciation to the older women and to be willing to learn from them would save untold heartaches for many young women.

The Proper Spirit

Genuine love (Titus 2:4)

One of the great privileges of a wife is that of loving her husband and her children. This love is not stimulated by the husband or the children alone but must first come from God and go out to them. What is meant by love? It is not hugs and kisses. It is not passion. You need not be married to find someone who can arouse passion within you. On the other hand, a husband and wife can embrace each other, and yet each knows that there is some barrier between them. An invisible but very real wall can separate husband, wife, and children. This is well expressed by an old song:

There is a wall between us;
It’s not made of stone:
The more we are together,
The more I am alone.

It is Christian love that binds—gentleness, kindness, goodness, patience, long-suffering, compassion, temperance.

Many wives say, “If he treats me well, I will treat him well. The responsibility is on him. I’m good because he is good.” Thank God that the alternative to be good or bad does not lie with someone else! It is a decision for you to make. This is a struggle. Often you must struggle with the decision to look to God for love to bestow upon a husband or a child who may not return it. You can submit to your marriage with a stony heart, or with a loving heart.

A Worker at Home

To be a worker at home is also a high calling (Titus 2:4-5). Wise purchasing, wise planning, and creating a wholesome atmosphere in the home require the best that is in you.

It is a fortunate man who finds a woman who will dedicate herself to keeping the home and maintaining a happy relationship with her children and her husband. These verses point out that such a woman has a ministry. Through her behavior the Word of God will not be blasphemed (Titus 2:5).

For a woman to give herself to her family is a high calling, indeed. Essentially, our Lord poured His life into only twelve men.

The Proper Adorning

Peter speaks of a quality in a wife that is “precious in the sight of God.” He speaks of this with reference to a wife whose husband is “disobedient to the word.” However, any wife will do well to live by this exhortation in I Peter 3:1-4. These days, there is much emphasis upon outward appearance. Women spend a great deal of time and money on clothes, jewelry, care of the complexion and hair. How many spend hours styling their hair, putting on jewelry and flattering clothes! Now women should look just as lovely as they possibly can. The intent of this passage, however, is to stress the truth that these outward things are not the ornaments that are of God. This is the ornament that counts: “Let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.”

You should, of course, care for your body. In addition, and more important, is a meek and quiet spirit that shines through your face, gets into your muscles, into your nervous system, and into your heart. Why? For your own good, of course. For your own happiness, of course. But just as important is your influence on your husband, the atmosphere that you create for the people in your life. A meek and quiet spirit that dominates your life is one of the greatest accomplishments possible for a wife. It is, in the sight of God, of great price. Such a spirit will win the man who is “disobedient to the word.”

Recently the wife of a man who was not a Christian told of this incident. Her husband came home late from work because he stopped on the way home to play golf. She resented this very much and was seething within when he came home. After supper he announced, “Honey, we are going out for a ride. I have a surprise for you.” She did not want to go anywhere because she wanted to nurse her grievance. He insisted. They stopped in front of a pet shop. He went in and came out with a particular parakeet that she had been noticing and had said she would like to have. She tried to look grateful, but within she was very much ashamed.

The parakeet is now at home; but she doesn’t enjoy it, for it represents to her a symbol of a seething heart, rather than a gift received with a meek and quiet spirit. This woman is a Christian. Her husband, who is not, treats her better than she treats him. If she wants to influence him for Christ, she must avail herself of the proper equipment—a meek and quiet spirit. Then the Word of God will not be blasphemed.

In these days there are many tottering, weak, unhappy marriages. Could it be that the key to strengthening many of them is in the hands of the wife? This passage from 1 Peter would say so. You, wives, have a high calling—a great job to be done. The proper dress for the job is spiritual and invisible. It is available only from God—the adornment of a meek and quiet spirit. May each wife who reads these pages submit to the task, and thus provide the haven that her husband and children need in these tense days.

Study Assignment—Review Questions on Lesson 6

This assignment is intended to help you fully understand and remember what this lesson teaches.

1. What is the meaning of submission?
2. How is submission of a wife related to housekeeping?
3. What is the responsibility of older women?
4. What is true love, and where does it come from?
5. How will a godly woman win an unsaved husband?

Personal Evaluation Test 3

Check up on yourself as a partner.

Husband: Circle true or false to answer Questions 1-6 about yourself.  Then have your wife answer the questions about you from her perspective.

Wife:  Circle true or false to answer Questions 7-12 about yourself. Then have your husband answer the questions about you from his perspective.

1. I always seek my wife’s welfare before my own.
   • Husband’s answer:  T  F
   • Wife’s answer:  T  F
2. My wife’s opinion is unimportant; so I don’t consult her.
   • Husband’s answer:  T  F
   • Wife’s answer:  T  F
3. I am accepting Christ’s leadership in my life.
   • Husband’s answer:  T  F
   • Wife’s answer:  T  F
4. I lead the family regularly in Bible reading and prayer.
   • Husband’s answer:  T  F
   • Wife’s answer:  T  F
5. I am thoughtless and ungentlemanly to my wife.
   • Husband’s answer:  T  F
   • Wife’s answer:  T  F
6. I take into account the fact that my wife is “the weaker vessel.”
   • Husband’s answer:  T  F
   • Wife’s answer:  T  F
7. My personal appearance is important.
   • Wife’s answer:  T  F
   • Husband’s answer:  T  F
8. I am resolved to treat my husband well only if he treats me well.
   • Wife’s answer:  T  F
   • Husband’s answer:  T  F
9. I accept advice willingly from older women.
   • Wife’s answer:  T  F
   • Husband’s answer:  T  F
10. I think love is just hugs and kisses.
    • Wife’s answer:  T  F
    • Husband’s answer:  T  F
11. I think it is proper to adorn myself with a meek and quiet spirit.
    • Wife’s answer:  T  F
    • Husband’s answer:  T  F
12. I am ignoring God’s order for a happy home.
    • Wife’s answer:  T  F
    • Husband’s answer:  T  F

Mark the statements about which you disagree. Pay special attention to these danger spots.

Click here to check your answers with the key.

Self-Check Test 6

How much have you retained?

In the space provided, mark the following statements “True” or “False.”

______   1. The submissive wife can share opinions and plans with her husband.

______   2. The wife should follow her husband and the husband should follow the leading of Christ.

______   3. When husband and wife assert their independence, contention results.

______   4. Submission to God can make distasteful tasks enjoyable.

______   5. An invisible but real wall can separate husband and wife.

______   6. Genuine love is kind, gentle, good, patient, and compassionate.

______   7. Opinions of older women are obviously outdated and irrelevant for a young wife.

______   8. The wife should give herself to her family to keep the home and to maintain a happy relationship with her children and husband.

______   9. The wife’s most important adornment is a lovely outward appearance.

______   10. While a meek and quiet spirit on the part of a wife might have been practical in earlier days, it is impractical in the modern domestic environment.

Click here for the answers to these questions.

 “Can two walk together, except they be agreed?”
—Amos 3:3, NKJV

 A husband and wife have a lifelong task ahead of them. Any organization needs constant attention to keep it running smoothly. Any team must practice constantly together in order to win the game. A marriage, too, needs constant attention to preserve unity and agreement.

“Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brothers to dwell together in unity!” (Psalm 133:1).

“…that their hearts may be encouraged, having been knit together in love, and attaining to all the wealth that comes from the full assurance of understanding, resulting in a true knowledge of God’s mystery, that is, Christ Himself,” (Colossians 2:2, NASB, emphasis added).

A harmonious marriage is one of unity and agreement. Husband and wife, dedicated to the task of building a harmonious marriage, must have a clear definition of the meaning of these words.

Agree to Disagree?

One idea of unity and agreement is expressed in the words: I agree to disagree. This idea is based on placing a high value on individuality. In a democracy, you must respect the rights of the individual. This is understood by some to mean that you must accept each other just as you are. According to this philosophy, if the wife thinks differently from her husband in some areas, she has every right to go on doing so. The husband has a right to hold different views from his wife. Each must be gracious and understanding toward the other, but each should grant the other the right to be different.

To illustrate, one couple has differing views about money. Both of them are employed. She spends her money as she pleases. He spends his money as he pleases. Each pays a percentage of the bills to keep the household going.

Other points of difference that are frequently mentioned by marriage partners are the condition of the living room, whether hooks or hangers should be used in the closet, when dishes should be washed, where shoes should be taken off, the flavoring of the food, how often the grass should be cut, bedtime and discipline of the children, paint versus wallpaper, color schemes, entertainment, and so on.

Such minor differences often cause the relationship between husband and wife to be strained. Efforts at resolving them fail because to resolve them means giving up personal rights that are guaranteed in a democracy. To agree to disagree is generally a wishful thought that cannot be successfully and happily carried out.

Agree to Agree

Another idea of unity and agreement is expressed by Paul:

“Therefore if there is any encouragement in Christ, if there is any consolation of love, if there is any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and compassion, make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose.” (Philippians 2: 1-2).

In other words, if both partners are in Christ, they will agree to agree. It is not enough to understand and appreciate the points of difference. The goal should be to resolve those differences, to find a basis for mutual agreement. As followers of Christ, “…we are members of His body. FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND SHALL BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH.” (Ephesians 5:30-31). Marriage, to be successful, is more than a fifty-fifty proposition. Each partner must be dedicated to the marriage one hundred per cent. If the goal is to maintain individuality within the marriage, then unity is virtually impossible to achieve. If the goal is to achieve unity and agreement, it can be done.

This does not mean a loss of individuality, or slavery, or imprisonment. It does mean a voluntary commitment on the part of husband and wife to exchange personal individuality for a mutual way of life. The first step toward unity is that of accepting the lifetime goal of becoming like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind.

Continual Change

The next time you go into a store, go to the rack where they sell paperback books and scan the titles and covers. Each of these is designed to attract your attention. The first few chapters may be most interesting. You can hardly put the book aside. As you read on, however, you may come to a very dull, uninteresting chapter. The story may take a turn that is most distasteful to you. You may even be tempted to lay the book aside because the story does not have much relationship to the cover or the title, which attracted you to the book in the first place.

Some marriages work out like this. A man and woman meet, develop a happy friendship, pledge their troth, and plunge into the responsibilities of making a living, rearing a family, and getting along with each other for the rest of their lives. The title “Marriage” has a magical sound. The outside cover presents an attractive picture. “And they lived happily ever after” is its fairy-tale theme. When we open the book however, and examine its details, we find many dull and even tragic chapters mixed with happy ones. You may even come to the point of dissatisfaction in your married life when you would just as soon toss the book aside.

In the upper room, the Lord Jesus said to His disciples:

“Behold, an hour is coming, and has already come, for you to be scattered, each to his own home, and to leave Me alone; and yet I am not alone, because the Father is with Me. These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world.” (John 16:32-33).

The disciples had no idea what Jesus was talking about, but very soon they were to experience the most unexpected event possible. This is true of life. There are unexpected, unplanned turns in the road. Some will be pleasant, some unpleasant. Regardless of the nature of future events, Jesus has promised us peace—a peace that comes from God, not from a stable, uneventful, consistent family life.

One of the dependable features of marriage is the certainty of uncertainty. One of the great tasks facing marriage partners is that of accepting the fact of change. In a marriage, there is a continual series of changing events which demand a constant adjustment of both husband and wife. Pregnancy, the arrival of each child, the absence of children, unexpected illnesses, death, job changes, promotions or demotions, moving, neighborhood changes, church responsibilities to assume or to give up, the shifting scene at school—these are some of the changes that come to each couple, with their corresponding adjustments.

At times, husbands or wives say of their partners, “This is not the person I married!” Of course not. Just as your children keep changing as they grow up, so do you. At the age of one, your children act one way; at two, another way; at three, still another way; at five, differently again.

A married person certainly cannot complain about lack of variety. There is a continuous variety. We must remember, however, that a marriage sometimes will develop in one way when we want it to go in another way. At such times there may be periods of disorganization, when one solution is attempted, and then another, over a period of weeks or months.

The chapters in a marriage are often unexpected and unpredictable. To expect an unchanging partner or unchanging circumstances, to expect to live “happily ever after” automatically as in the fairy tales, is not true for this life. To expect a permanent point of perfect adjustment and happiness is unrealistic. There is no family on earth that has had this experience. Continuous change is the normal experience in any marriage. This means that there must be continuous adjustment. This can be done with tenderness and compassion if you realize that the family is not a static organization.

Marriage must be worked at. It just doesn’t tick along in perpetual, unhindered motion. Satisfactory adjustment requires proper and free communication. It means sharing joys, giving praise, and taking admonition or correction. It means you must strive for complete understanding among all the members of the family. This is not an easy way. However, it is a workable way and leads to a peaceful, joyful life together.

When the unexpected happens to you, just remember that this is no exception. This is normal. Your peace and happiness depend on your relationship to God; and His peace is available during uncertain, unexpected times as well as during certain, stable times. You are not alone. The Father is with you.

Unity and agreement must be maintained. Paul says to us:

“Therefore I, the prisoner of the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.” (Ephesians 4:1-3).

Dedication to this goal is only the beginning. A husband and wife have a lifelong task ahead of them. Any organization needs constant attention to keep it running smoothly. Any team must practice constantly together to win the game. A marriage, too, needs constant attention to preserve unity and agreement because changes occur inevitably in any marriage.

Unity Between Partners Is Planned

We are living in a democracy. This means to some that you need submit to no one. You are a law unto yourself.

Several years ago, the directors of a large industrial firm decided that some of their top-level leaders couldn’t express themselves well enough; therefore, they hired a professional to give these leaders a speech course. The group came together once a week for twelve weeks. There they were in submission, although not one of them was below the level of general manager.

We must submit ourselves to any organization of which we are a part. There must be a head to any organization. Whenever you put two or more people together, and where there is more than one will involved, you must have some limits, some rules, and some regulations so that all individuals are considered. Each member of the organization has his place and conforms to the limits prescribed for him. As everyone does his part, the organization becomes a smooth-working team, and accomplishes the goal that has been set. In any organization of people, when a member fails to do his assignments or attempts to do someone else’s, there is duplication of effort; tasks are left undone; and confusion follows.

A smoothly working marriage also requires teamwork. It is necessary that both the husband and the wife agree on what the place of the husband should be. It is necessary that both husband and wife agree on what the place of the wife should be.

Marriage is more than a working agreement between two equal parties. It is rather a complementary union of two members, male and female, each of whom has a special responsibility. There should not be competition between husband and wife. Each has a definite, distinct place. The roles of husband and wife fit together like two interlocking pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.

The ideal relationship between people is expressed by Paul: “… and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ” (Ephesians 5:21).

Verbal and Mental Unity

At this point you will find a review of Lesson 2 helpful. There we discussed the place of proper speech in achieving peace with yourself. Words are the means of revealing your innermost self to your partner. “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones” (Proverbs 16:24).

Differences that arise between two partners need not constitute a major crisis. Pleasant words, exchanged in the proper spirit between two people rightly related to each other, can easily bring a meeting of minds. Words can be misunderstood, however.

Partners must be sure that misunderstandings do not develop or continue because of differences in the definition of words. Words like thrift, neat, polite, considerate can have a wide range of meaning. Each partner needs to be quick to acknowledge it if misunderstanding of words becomes evident. Your constant, continuing purpose should be to understand and to clarify rather than to justify or defend yourself.

Your goal should be that expressed by Paul in his prayer:

“Now may the God who gives perseverance and encouragement grant you to be of the same mind with one another according to Christ Jesus, so that with one accord you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ” (Romans 15:5-6).

We are to think alike—to glorify God with “one mind and one mouth.” This is one of the basic tasks of marriage partners.

The following example illustrates what can happen when two people differ in their thinking and speaking, even though they use the same words.

A young couple had discussed plans for their marriage very thoroughly. The agreement was that they would establish a home just as soon as they were married. The courtship was a pleasant one. They rented an apartment, purchased furniture, and set the date. She gave notice to her employer that she was terminating her work because she was getting married.

From the start it was an unhappy marriage. This was the husband’s story: He said that he and his wife had agreed before their marriage that both would work hard at establishing a home. Instead, she quit working just as soon as they were married. “How can a home be established that way?!” he asked. He had meant that both would work, save their money for a down payment, and then purchase a house.

This was her story: She and her husband had agreed before their marriage that they would work hard to establish a home. She meant that she would quit her job, cook his breakfast, see him off to work, do her housework each day, have a piping-hot meal ready for him when he got home, and be there to greet him when he arrived. They agreed on the words, but meant very different things by those words. Each felt deceived by the other.

Both the husband and his wife were sincere enough, but they misunderstood each other. They were not of the same mind. Each was amazed to realize that their unhappiness with each other was the result of a misunderstanding over the meaning of their agreement. They used the same words, but they were not thinking the same thoughts. Such a problem need never arise if both partners seek both verbal and mental unity.

Unity in Feelings and Emotions

This is the area of attraction or repulsion. There are many unhappy marriages among partners who have the ability to express themselves clearly and who have brilliant minds, but who are unable to find within themselves a congenial spirit toward each other. A clear understanding of the thinking behind the actions of your partner will not necessarily produce wholesome feeling and emotion. Why? Because love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control are the fruit of the Spirit of God (Galatians 5:22-23).

Partners will find emotional unity only as they submit to a power outside of themselves—the power of God through Christ. Then they can attain to the standard by Paul: “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor” (Romans 12:10). Such a relationship cannot be developed by understanding, or training, or insight. Being cordial, helpful and tolerant is not the same as being affectionate.

To illustrate, a wife explained that she was unable to find a congenial relationship with her husband. They were both well-educated and cultured. They understood each other perfectly. There were no arguments. He was a good provider. He took her wherever she wanted to go. He helped around the house. But he kept himself aloof, maintaining a cold silence most of the time. When they did speak, he was cordial and polite, but said as little as possible.

The husband explained that his wife insisted on having her own way. Whenever he differed with her, there was an argument. His only solution was to keep quiet. He did what needed to be done to satisfy her demands. She could never see his side of anything; nor did she consider his needs. He despised her, but for the children’s sake he held his peace. “When the children marry,” he said, “I plan to leave her.”

Meanwhile, he was making every effort to keep peace in the family. His idea of peace was silence. He and his wife were “miles apart” in their inward reactions. As the psalmist said, “His speech was smoother than butter, but his heart was war; his words were softer than oil, yet they were drawn swords” (Psalm 55:21). The solution to such a relationship lies in the acceptance by each partner of the fact that both lack the congenial spirit that will enable them to live together in peace. To achieve such unity is to turn to the source—God, who enables us to bear the fruit of the Spirit. (Review the steps studied in Lesson 4.)

Effect of Unity on the Family

When there are children in the family, unity is the foundation stone for happy family living. When there is disagreement between partners, what happens to the child? Which way will he go? When there is a difference in outlook between a mother and a father, the child is caught in the middle. He can’t win. He can please mother, or father, but he can’t please both. Here is the crux of much of the strain and tension in modern adolescents who do not know which way to turn. They must learn to play a game that placates both mother and father. This is one of the reasons Paul said, “Be of the same mind one toward one another” (Romans 12:16). This can be done, but it will be done only in the lives of those people who are willing to submit one to the other and to the Lord.

Study Assignment-Review Questions on Lesson 7

1. What does it mean to agree to disagree, and how does it work out in a marriage partnership?
2. What does it mean to agree to agree, and how does this work out in a marriage partnership?
3. How do you adjust to changes in your marriage situation?
4. Compare marriage to a business organization. What principles for “getting along” are common to both?
5. What is meant by verbal and mental unity and by unity in feelings and emotions?
6. How does disunity affect family life?
7. Study illustrations of marriages described in the Bible. What can you learn from these illustrations that will strengthen your marriage?

Self-Check Test 7

Check your progress.

In the space provided, mark the following statements, “True” or “False.”

Selfishness on the part of one partner can cause disunity and upset emotions in the other.

______   1. The principle “agree to disagree” is one which causes the husband-wife relationship to work more smoothly.

______   2. Marriage partners should voluntarily put down individual ways of life and take up a mutual way of life.

______   3. Continuous changes in husband, wife and children require continuous adjustments.

______   4. A marriage needs less and less conscious effort to preserve unity as years go by.

______   5. A constant purpose in marriage should be that of understanding rather than self-justification.

______   6. Two people can use the same words but mean different things.

______   7. Wholesome feelings and emotions are always produced by a clear understanding of the thinking behind the others person’s actions.

______   8. Selfishness on the part of one partner can cause disunity and upset emotions in the other.

______   9. Differing opinions of mother and father will give children a broader and more satisfactory outlook on life.

______   10. It is reasonable to expect a permanent point of perfect adjustment and happiness in marriage.

Click here for the answers to these questions.

“Then those who feared the LORD spoke to one another, and the LORD gave attention and heard it, and a book of remembrance was written before Him
for those who fear the LORD and who esteem His name.” 
—Malachi 3:16, NASB, emphasis added

 Your marriage will be a happy, mutually satisfactory one if both of you set your sights on unity, ministering to each other, and communicating with each other in the proper spirit, which is given by God.

Preceding lessons have stressed the fact that marriage involves an ever-changing relationship between husband, wife and children. Some of the changing events which demand constant adjustments (as noted in Lesson 7) are pregnancies, the arrival of each child, illness, death, job changes, promotions, moving, neighborhood changes.

To illustrate, a husband who had to be away from home for an extended period received a glowing letter from his wife. She was getting along beautifully with the children. They were cooperative, considerate, and helpful. A week later he got another letter. This time there was a different note. It had been raining most of the week; the children were quarreling with each other and were refusing to cooperate with their mother. It had been necessary to punish them. Yes, parenthood is an ever-changing experience. Variety is the order of the day.

Preceding lessons have also stressed the importance of unity and submission for a happy marriage. How can ever-changing people remain united? How do people develop and maintain a way of life in which they are submissive one to another?

Given the desire to be united and submissive, constant communication is required to keep up to date with changes that occur among members of a family. This lesson will define what is meant by communication.

Attitude

In writing to the Corinthians, Paul says:

“For our proud confidence is this: the testimony of our conscience, that in holiness and godly sincerity, not in fleshly wisdom but in the grace of God, we have conducted ourselves in the world, and especially toward you” (2 Corinthians 1:12).

Husband and wife ought to approach each other in like manner—out of a good conscience, in simplicity and godly sincerity, by the grace of God. This is the attitude that paves the way for letting your partner know what is really on your heart.

Again, Paul says: “Therefore, laying aside falsehood, SPEAK TRUTH EACH ONE of you WITH HIS NEIGHBOR, for we are members of one another” (Ephesians 4:25). Unity is based on “the testimony of our conscience,” on being thoroughly and completely truthful with one another.

Note Ephesians 4:1-16. Here Paul speaks of the aids given to us in order that we may become perfect in our relationships one to another. Verse 15 stands out: “… but speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ.” Speaking the truth is not enough. It must be done in love, not with a vindictive spirit. We must keep the headship of Christ ever before us.

A review of the section on proper speech in Lesson 1 would be helpful here.

Praise

Proper appreciation one for another is also a part of communication. Consider the introductions to Paul’s letters. For example:

“We give thanks to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, praying always for you, since we heard of your faith in Christ Jesus and the love which you have for all the saints” (Colossians 1:3-4).

What a positive note! The apostle expresses his appreciation of what these people are. All of us need appreciation. Wives, husbands, and children need to know that they are appreciated. A counselor often hears a statement like this: “My mate surely realizes my appreciation!” Your mate needs to hear you say it. This is important to each of us—a sincere, truthful declaration of appreciation.

Note the introduction to 1 Thessalonians:

“We give thanks to God always for all of you, making mention of you in our prayers; constantly bearing in mind your work of faith and labor of love and steadfastness of hope in our Lord Jesus Christ in the presence of our God and Father” (1 Thessalonians 1:2-3).

Paul made known his appreciation of the good qualities of these people.

It is important to note that communication involves more than verbal declarations. Paul recognizes the Thessalonians’ work of faith, and labor of love, and patience of hope in our Lord Jesus Christ. There is the wife who has very little to say. It is her tender glance that speaks of her love. To cook the meals as her husband likes them is her way of expressing her devotion. Her husband recognizes these acts as her way of communicating. To seek to understand the meaning of each other’s words and deeds and to accept them for what they mean is to be truly united.

How much have you done about letting your partner know of your appreciation of him or her? Such communication is fundamental to a good marriage. What do you appreciate about your partner? Be sure that you know. Then let your partner know. What can you do for each other? How wholesome it is to do it!

Reconciliation

The time comes in a marriage when differences arise. The conversation, action, or attitude of your partner is not appreciated. Your partner will be grateful to know about this if the basic relationship between you is a healthy one. Paul wrote to the Romans, “And concerning you, my brethren, I myself also am convinced that you yourselves are full of goodness, filled with all knowledge and able also to admonish one another” (Romans 15:14).

Partners dedicated to building a united marriage can each assume that the other will appreciate an admonition and will be willing to consider revising his behavior in a way that is mutually acceptable. There is a great difference between peace and the kind of cold, brittle silence that develops when partners have unspoken, unrevealed differences between them. The “silent treatment” is a far cry from unity and peace.

Take the initiative in restoring unity

It is well to review the order of our loyalties. Our first duty is to love God with all our heart, and all our soul, and all our mind. If we wish to please Him, we will be careful to maintain unity with the brethren. The Lord Jesus gave us the basis for maintaining good relations. Note Matthew 5:23-24. If your partner has anything against you, it is your move to be reconciled.

It is inconceivable to think of quarreling and divisions as a part of the lives of a Christian couple. Christianity and quarreling do not go together. If you are conscious of doing something that is offensive to your partner, it is your responsibility to go to him or her and be reconciled. This is one principle of good Christian living. Otherwise, your service to God is unacceptable.

Jesus gave another principle in Matthew 18:15-17. Here the shoe is on the other foot. Now your partner is at fault. It is still your move. A Christian ought to be so desirous of achieving unity that, failing to find a basis of reconciliation alone, an attempt will be made to seek help from one or two others. Failing this, the Christian ought to turn to the Church. This is going a long, long way to be reconciled.

“You who are spiritual” — a necessary caution

There is a caution, however, stated by Paul:

“Brethren, even if anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted” (Galatians 6:1).

Who is it that is to go to a man taken in a fault? “You who are spiritual.” A man who has the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23) operative in his life is qualified to go to one taken in a fault and to deal with it.

This principle applies to partners also. Why must this be so? You may have the best of intentions in approaching your partner about some fault. However, it is possible that your partner will be sensitive about it—or resent your approach, try to argue, or say things that aren’t complimentary. If your response is in anger or if your good intentions result in your becoming embroiled in an argument, then no progress has been made toward unity. If you match malice with malice—if you are satisfying the flesh yourself—your reaction will be fleshly if you are faced by a partner who is not in the best of spirits.

It is the spiritual person who can take a tongue lashing in the right way. An individual with faults of his own should look after his own and not after those his partner may have. You must approach your partner “looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted.”

You will save yourself many tensions, troubles, and difficulties if you follow through on the Biblical rules for getting along together. Your approach should be with the assumption that your partner is “full of goodness” and happy for any admonition that will aid in the clearer understanding between you. Your approach should be with the purpose that “if possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men” (Romans 12:18).

Your approach should be with the intent of being reconciled and not to give vent to pent-up, negative emotions. If your partner’s response is in anger, it is your good spirit that is important.

When differences come, there is the tendency to leave your first love for God, to forsake prayer, to turn to the arm of the flesh for a solution. To win your point becomes the important goal. The effort at reconciliation, carried out in the flesh, will result in failure to adjust to change. Partners may turn away from making an adjustment. Or they may try and fail. When they realize that an adjustment cannot be made, this is a red light. If neglected, this will destroy the marriage.

This is called the incipient stage. It is at this point that the partners ought to turn to someone qualified to give counsel, before deep hostility and tensions develop. Otherwise, they will attempt to evade or forget the area of conflict. They may try to insulate it by ignoring it. They may treat the conflict as a sensitive spot that they try not to touch. Conflicts or differences may not arise over such matters as extreme cruelty or immorality. They can be differences over such things as neatness, cleanliness, clothing, and friends.

One young couple agreed to buy the most expensive car, but disagreed violently over keeping candy or peanuts in a dish in the living room. There is a limit to the number of conflicts so treated. This is not a happy marriage. Both husband and wife feel hostility that cannot be released; they feel upset or disappointed.

Soon one of them begins to lose heart and hope. Marriage is not meeting his or her basic needs. A partner will soon begin to wonder how else these needs can be met and will look for outlets outside the marriage. Willingness to work for the marriage dies out. This is called the chronic stage. The road back to unity and peace is mapped for you in Lesson 4.

“Be kind one to another…”

However, there is a more positive note. Your marriage will be a happy, mutually satisfactory one if both of you set your sights on unity, ministering to each other, and communicating with each other in the proper spirit, which is given by God. As Christians, you will find strength to do this as you pray and as you remember the exhortation of Ephesians 4:32:

“Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.”

Information and Inspiration

Partners can be drawn closer together through sharing with each other their experiences, thoughts, desires, longings, plans, and weaknesses. Acts 14:27; Philippians 4:8; Hebrews 3:13; James 5:16; and Isaiah 50:4 suggest ways in which husband and wife can inspire, challenge, and inform each other.

Partners need to move through life hand in hand. Otherwise, the difference in the nature of the task of being a wife and that of being a husband can easily cause them to grow apart.

To illustrate, a wealthy automobile dealer tells his unhappy story. Twenty-five years ago he and his wife were delighted when they received a profitable dealership. He worked hard day and night to build up the business. His wife was busy with the three children. The dealership prospered. As it grew in size, he became busier and busier. Soon he became interested in civic affairs, and for business reasons joined various clubs. As he prospered, his wife was able to have help in the house. She joined her own clubs and various women’s activities.

Husband and wife, in their prosperity, developed their own separate worlds. He had very little to do with rearing the family, apart from providing a very comfortable home and plenty of money. Today, twenty-five years later, this gentleman is growing old; his children are gone; and he and his wife have nothing in common. He is a very lonely man, even though he lives in luxurious surroundings.

This need not happen to any marriage. Be sure to take the time to have fellowship together as partners and as a family. You can maintain common interests. You can share reading materials. You can share church activities. You can share the task of parenthood. This is a mutual task, not the wife’s exclusive area. As partners who have a mind to keep in step, you will find ways to accomplish this. Remember that the tendency to build separate worlds is a natural one. To prevent this from happening, you must deliberately and consciously have a plan and make it work.

This lesson closes the section on The Adequate Partner. Our emphasis has been on helps for partners who are purposed in their hearts to establish a sound marriage. These principles will produce few results for those who use them in an attempt to get their own way. They will be truly effective for those who seek a mutual, united, like-minded partnership.

Study Assignment for Lesson 8

This assignment is intended to help you fully understand and remember what this lesson teaches.

1. Describe the basic quality for adequate communication.
2. Describe other characteristics of good communication.
3. Understand and list the rules of reconciliation.
4. Why are information and inspiration between partners important?
5. Read all the Scripture passages quoted or mentioned in this unit.

Review Lessons 1-8 to remind yourself of truths you need to apply in order to be an adequate person and an adequate partner. This review will help prepare you for Section III, The Adequate Parent.

Personal Evaluation Test 4

Check up with your partner.

Both husband and wife mark the statements that apply to you yourself. Leave a blank space where you cannot honestly answer “yes.”

Husband / Wife

_____ / _____  1.  I am reading the Bible and seeking God’s blessing in my life.

_____ / _____  2.  I use kind, pleasant words.

_____ / _____  3.  I can take ill treatment patiently.

_____ / _____  4.  I minister to those who need help.

_____ / _____  5.  I realize that only God can give me victory.

_____ / _____  6.  I am married not to be served, but to serve.

_____ / _____  7.  I seek to create an atmosphere of love in my home.

_____ / _____  8.  I agree to agree with my partner.

_____ / _____  9.  I have accepted the fact that time brings changes.

_____ / _____  10.  I make a point of understanding my partner.

_____ / _____  11.  I praise my partner.

_____ / _____  12.  I can discuss areas of difference candidly with my partner.

_____ / _____  13.  I am willing to make the first move toward reconciliation.

_____ / _____  14.  I share experiences with my partner.

_____ / _____  15.  I am checking to see that we are not growing apart.

The spaces you left blank indicate the parts of the course you need to study again. They represent problems that could develop into very real trouble spots.

Click here to check your answers with the key.

Self-Check Test 8

How much do you remember?

In the space provided, mark the following statements “True” or “False.”

______   1. There must be constant communication to keep abreast of the changes that occur among members of a family.

______   2. Speaking the truth is all that is necessary in order to maintain effective family communication.

______   3. So long as one’s partner realizes that he or she is appreciated, that should suffice.

______   4. The “silent treatment” is an effective way of keeping unity and peace when differences arise between marriage partners.

______   5. The person who is at fault must always make the first move in adjusting strained marriage relations.

______   6. It is the spiritual person who can take a tongue lashing in the right way.

______   7. When differences arise, too often winning one’s point becomes the important goal.

______   8. The chronic stage of marital unhappiness is reached when willingness to work for the marriage dies out.

______   9. Maintaining common interests is a vital part of preserving a marriage.

______   10. The tendency to build separate worlds is a natural one.

 Click here for the answers to these questions.

“Train up a child in the way he should go,
even when he is old he will not depart from it.” 
—Proverbs 22:6, NASB

 The challenge to you, as parents, is to bathe your children in a steady, consistent love that comes from God as you train them in the way that they should go.

The material in this section has to do with the nature of parenthood. We have stressed thus far the fact that successful parenthood will be the reward of parents who are (1) at peace with themselves; and (2) happy, congenial partners. This section, like the first two sections, will draw upon the Bible for the path to follow.

Making Disciples

Parenthood is the process of making disciples of your children. As Jesus walked this earth, He selected a dozen men, saying, “Follow me” (Matthew 10:1; compare 4:19). Before He went to the cross, He prayed:

“…for the words which You gave Me I have given to them; and they received them and truly understood that I came forth from You, and they believed that You sent Me. … As You sent Me into the world, I also have sent them into the world” (John 17:8, 18).

As you study the Gospels, you realize that each of the disciples was an individual. Yet each one was given the same holy standard for daily living—the standard of the Lord Jesus.

In writing to the Philippians, Paul says: “…but one thing I do: … I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:13-14). He goes on to say: “The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you” (Philippians 4:9). Thus he takes upon himself the responsibility of being a living example.

Parents, too, should live as Paul did—striving for the same high calling. Fortunate is the child whose parents give him such a living example that he can safely follow in their footsteps. Fortunate is the child who has parents each of whom can say to him, “The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.”

The realization that your children could turn out to be the kind of persons that you are ought to be a satisfying one. (Study Luke 6:40 and 1 Corinthians 11:1).

Parents should teach their children by example and by words as the Lord Jesus did and as Paul did. Parents ought to be living models for their children. As someone has said, “The best way to teach character is to have it around the house.”

Such parents can then go on to practice the directive in the Bible which says, “Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6).

When you go to school and study under a certain teacher, you follow him as your guide. He sets the way that you should go; and you become, in lesser or greater measure, his disciple. You learn from his information and absorb his basic philosophy. You may even acquire his physical mannerisms. Likewise, as parents, you should realize that your big job is to help your children go in the right direction.

It is obvious that before you can help a child go where he should go, you must know where he should go. You must be convinced that what you ask your children to do is worth doing. If you are not sure in your own mind that the thing you ask your child to do is worthwhile, you had better not ask him to do it. Somehow your children can sense insincerity and uncertainty in your eye or your gesture if they are there. It is easy to tell your son to be kind to your daughter if you are kind to your partner. You need to be practicing what you want your children to practice.

Training

The making of a disciple requires discipline. According to the dictionary, discipline involves training and correction that produce proper conduct or action. (See the dictionary for a complete definition.)

Loving Care

God’s Word instructs us to love one another earnestly from the heart (1 Peter 1:22). If this verse applies at all, it surely applies to parents in their relations with their children. Parents who aspire to be the kind of persons described in the first two sections of this course will surely want to give their children tender, loving, sacrificial care. It is a simple matter to deal with children of any age if they are obedient and cooperative. The test comes when the parent must deal with stubbornness, defiance, rebellion, screaming, tantrums, resistance, and similar reactions. How is tender, loving care applied under such circumstances?

Is it a mark of love for your child when you insist that he do something he doesn’t want to do? Or do you think you demonstrate your love by giving in? How do you show your love for your children? Many people equate discipline, saying “no,” and punishment with a lack of love. They say that you are not loving when you punish your child. On the other hand, they say that you are loving when you let your children have their own way, when you indulge them.

Consider this verse:

“My son, do not reject the discipline of the LORD
Or loathe His reproof,
For whom the LORD loves He reproves,
Even as a father corrects the son in whom he delights.”
(Proverbs 3:11-12)

It is also commonly held that love is always hugs and kisses. Some people feel that if they scoop their children up in their arms and give them a kiss and a hug, this always illustrates their love. Does it? Some people can be very annoyed with their children and still hold them in their arms.

What is love? Love is described in 1 Corinthians 13. (Note especially 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.)

“You chasten your child, not because you lose your temper, but for the good of the child, for his own personal development. You take a long look at his life and discipline him so that in the end he will be a wholesome person“ (Proverbs 29:17).

What about spanking and other discipline?

“What do you think about spanking?” is a very common question anxiously asked by many parents. Spanking is often thought of as an unloving act. Inflicting physical pain is commonly considered cruelty.

The pre-school children of one father taught him the answer to this question. A nightly ritual with him was to lie on his back, get one of his children up on his feet, boost him through the air, to land on the couch. Once he put a child up on his feet and boosted him through the air, but the child missed the couch. He came crashing down on the floor. To the father’s surprise, the boy jumped up, eyes shining, and said, “Do it again, Daddy!” The other children added, “Do it to me, too.”

That father experimented a little that night. He deliberately threw the children on the floor. He said, “Hold out your hands,” and playfully spanked them. They enjoyed the physical pain and wanted more. A few days later, however, one of the children did something wrong. The father took that child’s hand and spanked it with less force than he had at playtime. The child cried as if his heart would break.

What was the difference between the two incidents? It was the emotional climate. A few nights before both father and child were in a good mood and they were having a good time. Now the mood was different. Physical pain does not necessarily mean punishment. Has your child ever come home proud of a black eye? “I got it playing football,” he explained, his chin up, his tone triumphant.

Some people think that if they never lay a hand on their child, they never punish him. However, we all know about the pain of sharp words. You wouldn’t throw a brick at anyone, but you might take aim with a well-chosen sentence and let it fly. Sometimes a mother can hurt a child as much with a certain tone of voice as she would if she struck him. You may have experienced the punishment of silence, sometimes called “the freeze.” All is quiet in the home, as though you were walking on eggs. You can almost hear them crackle. There is no physical violence. Such silence can be more painful than if you struck your child.

Punishment and physical pain need not be related. You can pick up your little baby, as some people do, and very kindly pat him. You mean, “I like you.” You walk up to a friend and slap him on the back, meaning, “I like you.” On the other hand, if you walk up to someone you don’t like and give him a little push, that means something else, doesn’t it?

Discipline and spanking are not necessarily related. One of the reasons so many people abhor spanking is because they are angry when they do it. The important thing about the act of using a paddle is not the child but the person using the paddle.

A paddle can be used in such a way that it means harm to the child (Proverbs 22:8). That same paddle, on the other hand, can be used in such a way that it means the making of the child. The spirit of the paddler makes the difference. (Study Proverbs 10:13; 13:24; 22:15; 23:13-14; 29:15,17.)

Should You Withdraw Affection?

Another question is frequently asked: “Is it effective to withdraw your affection from a child in order to keep him in line?”

A cold shoulder can be just as painful as a slap. If you are about to discipline your child, you must do it in a tender way. Can you spank a child tenderly? Compassionately? You’d better not spank him if you can’t. The Lord disciplines and chastens you, not because He has withdrawn His affection, but because He loves you. The Christian concept of love is described in 1 Corinthians 13—kindness, gentleness, tenderness, compassion. . . . Children should feel that they cannot lose your affection. Your love for your child is independent of his behavior. Your child should also be sure that he will be chastened if he needs it.

You can say to your child, “No, you can’t do that,” because from the depths of a loving heart you know it is not good for the child. On the other hand, you can say, “Stop it!” because you’ve lost your temper. Your tone and attitude make the difference. The child knows the difference—and so do you. When you discipline your child in an attitude of love, he will be strengthened and so will you. When you lash out at your child in a spirit of hostility and anger, you do not help the child, and you hurt yourself. This lashing out need not be in terms of physical punishment. It can be verbal or silent, yet be just as devastating in its effect on the character of the child as physical punishment administered in anger.

Get on your knees and ask God to forgive you for your anger. God disciplines us, not because we have angered Him, but because what we are doing is not good for us. When we discipline our children, we should do it because they need it, not because we have lost our temper.

It is very important that you do your disciplining in a spirit of love. If you cannot do it in a spirit of love, you are the one who needs to get into the closet. This is why spanking and other forms of discipline have been in such ill repute—the one doing the spanking is generally out of control.

Turning a cold shoulder to your child is just another way of saying, “I don’t like you.” At what point are you justified in withdrawing your love? How much badness will justify your anger? Where is the line? There is none. Wherever your love falls short, you need to repent. Though few can claim perfection, let us be sure that the shoe is on the right foot. If you are out of control, don’t blame your child.

“These children get me down!” Such phrases are frequently heard. Who sets the tone in your family? You or your children? On occasion a mother in all seriousness will say, “If this three-year-old would behave, I’d be happy.” She doesn’t sense the irony in such a statement. It would be too bad if the happiness of adults depended upon the behavior of three-year-olds or children of any age!

You Are on Trial

There will be times when your children will not understand or appreciate your expectations of them. There will be times of steady resistance to your discipline. It may stretch over days or weeks or months. During times like these, you, the parent, are on trial. The fact that your children are disgusted with you is no reason for you to be disgusted with them. Broken fellowship? Yes, but it need not be on your part. Your responsibility is to chasten lovingly, in the best interests of your children. (Read Proverbs 3:11-12.)

Your love for your children should be as God’s love for you—a constant thing. The Lord Jesus appeals to you, saying: “I stand at the door and knock” (Revelation 3:20). “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden” (Matthew 11:28). God can’t give you your own selfish way and peace at the same time. He must let you suffer when you do wrong, but He is there to release you whenever you are ready. He would not be doing you a service to let you have your evil way any more than you would be doing your child a service to let him have his evil way. If at any time you desire to confess your sins, God is there, waiting for you. If the fellowship is broken, it is not on God’s part. The breaking of the fellowship is on your part. Just so, you as a parent should never be the one to break fellowship with your child.

The challenge to you, as parents, is to bathe your children in a steady, consistent love that comes from God as you train them in the way that they should go.

Conclusion

This lesson has stressed the fact that the outstanding task of parents is to make disciples of their children. You should train your child in the way that he should go. You should train him in a spirit of love that is consistent, regardless of the behavior of the child. Lesson 10 will deal with the child’s resistance to training.

Study Assignment for Lesson 9

1. In what way are Jesus and Paul examples to parents?
2. Compare the rearing of children to God’s training of us as His children.
3. What is the value of the parent’s example to his child?
4. How is love demonstrated in rearing children?
5. What are the virtues and dangers of spanking?

List several proper and several improper methods of discipline.

Self-Check Test 9

Check up on yourself again.

In the space provided, mark the following statements “True” or “False.”

______   1. Parenthood is the process of making disciples of your children.

______   2. The realization that your children could turn out to be the same kind of person that you are ought to be a satisfying one.

______   3. Proverbs 22:6 contains a guarantee that a properly trained child will continue in the right way even when he is old.

______   4. A parent needs to be convinced that what he asks his children to do is worth doing.

______   5. Parents should give in to their children when they resist parental direction.

______   6. A parent’s lost temper is an adequate reason for chastening a child.

______   7. Physical pain must necessarily be equated with punishment.

______   8. A child needs to be sure that he will be chastened if he needs it.

______   9. Children should be allowed to set the tone for the family.

______   10. The fact that a child is disgusted with his parents is adequate reason for the parent to be disgusted with the child.

Click here for the answers to these questions.

“For rebellion is as the sin of divination, and insubordination
 is as iniquity and idolatry. Because you have rejected the word of the LORD, 
He has also rejected you from being king.” 
—1 Samuel 15:23, NASB

 This is a foundation block, a key in training children: all our actions must issue from a wellspring of affection, tenderness, love, kindness, and long-suffering.

In the last lesson, the emphasis was placed upon the importance of love as a foundation for training the child. But every parent soon encounters the child’s resistance to training—no matter how lovingly, or tenderly, or compassionately the child is treated. The material in this lesson deals with this problem.

Expect Resistance to Training

The following Bible verses indicate the need for discipline and imply that resistance to training is normal and can be expected: Proverbs 13:24; 15:10; 19:18; 22:15; 29:15; Ephesians 6:4; Hebrews 12:11. If you think your children will be delighted with everything you want them to do, you have an expectation that is unrealistic. If you intend to keep your children smiling all day long, you are tackling a futile venture. If you consider yourself a failure because your children don’t like what you want them to do at times, you misunderstand the nature of your children. They want their own way. You can expect resistance.

Your Responsibility

“Train up” your child.

A father tells of an incident that arose with his very beautiful daughter. She was offered a contract to become a model. There was only one obstacle in the way. Her dad would have to falsify her age on the contract because she was too young. She came home very happy and enthusiastic about this opportunity.

It would mean two hundred dollars a week for her while she was going to high school. Her mind was made up. However, because of his spiritual wisdom and personal integrity, her father refused to allow her to accept the contract. She argued: “Aren’t you interested in my future? What kind of a dad are you?”

She accused him of not loving her and not caring for her welfare. What was he to do? It was a very emotion-packed problem. However, there was a very simple solution. It is not right to lie about anything. He might expect that his daughter would be somewhat less than delighted with his decision. A father cannot always expect his children to appreciate his position. However, he must do the right thing.

The Bible does not teach us to humor the desires of our children. It does say, “Train up a child in the way he should go” (Proverbs 22:6). It does not even imply that he will appreciate your training. He may stubbornly resist you every inch of the way. The parent must remember that he is doing the training. Because he is the trainer, he must have some concept of the goals toward which he is working. The day will probably come when the young woman who aspired to be a model will look back on this experience with her dad and say, “I’m glad he did it.” That she may not be able to appreciate it now, he can understand. He should be kind and gentle and patient, but firm in his allegiance to what he knows to be right and best. She does not understand now, but some day she will.

We have all gone through periods when we could not have what we wanted and could not understand why. Yet, when we look back through the telescope of the years, discipline and denial make sense. We need not be so concerned with our children’s reaction to our discipline. The important thing is our wholesome reaction to their reaction.

Express True Love

The mother of a young child asks, “What do you do with a child who won’t do what you want her to do?” For example, she tells the child not to eat crackers in the living room. The child takes the crackers and eats them in the living room. If she insists on the child’s going back into the kitchen, the child begins to cry and says, “You don’t love me.” The psychology books say you should be sure your children know you love them. How do you demonstrate your love? By giving in? This child discovered that if, in her sweet little three-and-one-half-year-old style, she looked up at her mother and said, “You don’t love me,” her mother would take her up in her arms and say: “I do love you. You can eat crackers in the living room.” It is no wonder this girl is a neighborhood problem. Her mother says so and everybody agrees with her.

When your child questions your love, do you let him evaluate your affection for him? Who is a better judge of your love, the little child or you? Sometimes a young child may blurt out the truth to a parent who is motivated by resentment and hatred. But if in a tender, gentle way this mother can teach this little child that crackers are to be eaten in the kitchen, not in the living room; if she can demonstrate that whether the child pouts or screams, or throws herself on the floor, nothing will alter mother’s genuine affection for her, then she need not fear the child’s statement.

We are to “train up a child in the way he should go.” This is a foundation block, a key in training children: all of our actions must issue from a wellspring of affection, tenderness, love, kindness, and long-suffering.

Maintain the Right Spirit

When dealing with children, you must appreciate the fact that they are beset with the universal human weakness common to us all—the tendency to rebel or do wrong. However, you must hold up the standard and be the best example that you can. When you fail to live up to your standard, you should be just as quick to acknowledge it as you are to correct your child. All of us should have as our standard the conformity to Christ’s image (2 Corinthians 3:18; Ephesians 4:13). We are all to aim in that direction. Nevertheless, we are subject to the same temptations that our children face, and therefore we should have some appreciation of their deviations.

It is not unusual to go through some rough waters during the course of any day. Especially is this true in families where parents hold standards that are different from those of the majority of people. These standards may be challenged with all the vehemence of a youthful heart, just as parents challenged standards when they were young. But be careful that your training has a compassionate heart at its base. When your children challenge your standards and you must discipline them, be sure your spirit is what it should be. How do you show your love for a child? By training him in the way he should go.

Do not lower your standards

A boy who took a Red Cross swimming course failed in the final examination. The instructor naturally refused to give him a certificate. The boy went home sad and tearful because he had flunked the course. This touched the dad, who wanted to spare his son grief. Thinking he was doing the boy a favor, the father used his influence to get his son a certificate through a friend. As a result, the boy was given a Red Cross emblem to sew on his bathing suit. Sometime later, while swimming with other boys who wore the same emblem, but who had passed the course, he dived into some deep water; and trying but failing to keep up with the other boys, he was drowned. Did his dad really do him a favor? Was this an expression of love? Was it the proper reaction to the boy?

At a popular restaurant a sign posted at the entrance read, “No shoes, no shirt, no service.” A group not wearing shoes approached the hostess, turned on all their youthful charm, and used all their persuasive power to get in without shoes. The hostess finally yielded. Did she do them a favor? A sign that says, “No shoes, no shirt, no service,” means nothing if people don’t enforce it. An unenforced law is a farce. What did these youths learn? They found out that if you turn on enough charm, use plenty of persuasion, and apply the right kind of pressure, you can sometimes have what you want. They found that, for a time, there seems to be a way to get around the law. Is it fair to the youngsters to allow them to lower the standard? It is an unfortunate lesson for them to learn.

When you get something you are not supposed to have, you do not enjoy it. Your own conscience judges that you have no right to it; nevertheless, it is natural to want to violate standards, to cross limits. These examples illustrate this resistance to training. It is normal and can be expected.

Sin Is the Root of Resistance

What Is Sin?

The Bible tells us that “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23). What is sin? This is a word that many people dislike. At this point it will be helpful to review Lesson 4. Sin is selfishness. This includes bitterness, stubbornness, rebellion, anger, wrath, malice, hostility, and disobedience to parents. As we look upon our tender little ones, they seem clean and pure and innocent. We wish they were as innocent as they look, but we know that in their hearts lies the potential for all kinds of sin.

Children are Sinners

No one yet has presented the problem of a child who never disobeys. Did you ever hear of a child like that? To rebel is normal. It is part of human nature. Every time you give birth to a child you bring a rebel, a sinner, into the world. You may not like this, and the fact may make you feel uncomfortable. You wish it were not true, and many cannot believe it is. Both the Bible and experience, however, tell us that it is true. The minute you set a limit, your child will tend to want to break it. This is as normal as breathing. This applies not only to children. All of us have the tendency to rebellion.

Parents are Sinners

One of the biggest battles in counseling with tense, anxious, frustrated Christians is that of convincing them that they have sinned. “Are we not finished with sin when we are saved?” they ask. What is it that causes two Christians to have violent differences? It is sin (1 Corinthians 3:3). Transgression of the law in any detail is sin. The Bible tells us that “whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles in one point, he has become guilty of all” (James 2:10). If we could only realize the subtlety of sin! If only as Christian adults we could grasp the truth that when we have said or felt or thought or desired something that is out of line with the revealed will of God, this is displeasing to God and is sin! If we would maintain a constant spirit of repentance, we could save ourselves the frustrations of many a tense, anxious day and many a sleepless night. The next time you find yourself wrought up or trying to control your tongue from saying something that you know is not right, be honest with yourself. Be honest with God. Get off by yourself in a quiet place and confess and repent.

Degrees of Rebellion May Vary

In training children, we find that they all tend to be rebellious. It is true that there are different degrees of rebellion. The first child may be easygoing. A second child may be a violent rebel. The third child may be a silent rebel. These are all different degrees of the manifestation of sin. Anyone who has two children will tell you how different one is from the other. You wonder how your training could produce such variations. Anyone who has three will tell you how different each of them is from the other two! There is not necessarily anything wrong with you or your training. It is just that people are different, and we rebel in different ways and degrees. Some of us can do wrong in the most gracious way.

An example of gracious rebellion was observed in a nursery school. A little boy was there who had been told not to climb up on a table. He did so anyway. One of the women was about to scold him and take him down. He saw her coming, stretched out his arms, with a big smile wrapped his little arms around her, and before she could say anything, he said, ”I’m sorry.” She was about to say, “Get off the table!” Instead, she very gently put him down on the floor. She had no more than turned her back when he climbed on the table again. This child was just as rebellious as the child who might defiantly climb on the table. The diplomatic boy was just as wrong as a disagreeable child would have been—both disobedient.

Over and over, wherever there are children in this world, parents ask: “What am I going to do with my child? He won’t listen!” Of course, he won’t listen. A little child is rebellious and tends to do what he wants to do. Some children will be pleasant about it, and some will be objectionable about it. Either response manifests the same principle—man tends to rebel. Do you see how you can be far out of line and be very sweet about it? This is just as disobedient as being unpleasant. If you put two or more children together to play and leave them alone without any adult supervision, it will not be long before there is a conflict. Conflict among people in every age group is just as normal as breathing.

The Cure for Resistance

You should be rearing your children with the consciousness that they need a Savior and that they need a Keeper. They must find the power of God that will enable them to live right. You can control your children with stares, threats, promises, rewards, and many other techniques. The only effective control, however, is that of the child’s being motivated by a love for God—not only by a love for you or a fear of you.

A mother, speaking of a son who had gotten into some trouble, said: “I am so glad he didn’t tell me about these terrible things he has done until I returned from my trip. It would have spoiled my vacation.” This mother was as serious as she could be. She did not realize that her boy needed a better reason for being good than that of keeping his mother from fretting. She had told him that her happiness depended upon his behaving himself.

You must have a much better reason than this for asking your children to conform. If you use the threat of your own unhappiness, you deny the very essence of being and living as a Christian. And what is meant by that? Just this: no matter how cantankerous your children are and no matter how upsetting the affairs of your life may be, your peace of mind in Christ should be independent of circumstances. You should teach your children these things, and they will learn them best by seeing a demonstration (Philippians 4:5-7). These are not just beautiful words. Peace, comfort, consolation, and joy should be your daily experience by faith in God through the Lord Jesus Christ. The resistance to your training should develop these qualities in you.

Study Assignment for Lesson 10

1. Look up and study all the Scripture used or mentioned in the text.
2. How should we expect children to act? Give examples.
3. How should rebellion be handled? What is the importance of the parent’s attitude?
4. What is the relationship of the problem of sin to rearing children?
5. Show how rebellion can be manifested in different ways.
6. What is the solution to the control of a child’s rebellious ways?

Personal Evaluation Test 5

Check up on yourself as a parent.

Answer the following “Yes,” “No,” or “Sometimes”

______   1. Am I seeking to make disciples of my children?

______   2. Am I a good example to my children?

______   3. Do I chasten my children in a fit of temper?

______   4. Am I sarcastic to my children?

______   5. When I say no, do I mean NO?

______   6. Do I get angry when my children resist me?

______   7. Do all my actions toward my children stem from affection, kindness and longsuffering?

______   8. Do I express my love to my children by training them in the way they should go?

______   9. Do I turn the cold shoulder to my children to keep them in line?

______   10. Do I constantly change my standards?

Click here to check your answers.

 

Self-Check Test 10

Are you making progress?

In the space provided, mark the following statements “True” or “False.”

______   1. All parents can expect resistance from their children.

______   2. A parent must have some concept of the goals toward which he is working
                  in training his children.

______   3. When a child questions his parents’ love, the child’s challenge should be
                  accepted at its face value.

______   4. The spirit in which discipline is administered is an important factor, especially
                  when children challenge parental standards.

______   5. An unenforced law is a farce.

______   6. It is only small children who have the tendency toward rebellion.

______   7. All children react alike to training and discipline.

______   8. Conflict among people in every age group is just as normal as breathing.

______   9. Threats, promises, and rewards guarantee that a child will be properly
                  motivated to obey.

______   10. Resistance to parental training should develop high qualities in parents.

Click here for the answers to these questions.

“You shall set bounds for the people all around, saying,
‘Beware that you do not go up on the mountain or touch the border of it;
whoever touches the mountain shall surely be put to death.’” 
—Exodus 19:12, NASB

The setting of limits is inherent in the need for authority and security. Just as our God sets limits for us, enforcing them by chastisement, so should we with our children.

Happy parenthood involves the willing acceptance of the task of training children. It is natural that we should be puzzled from time to time by the behavior of our children. Growing up in a world of television, babysitters, and nuclear fission is something new. A great change has taken place in family relationships, and most of us have moments of doubt: are we being too strict or too lenient?

Amid a rapidly changing world, there are still some fixed points for the guidance of Christian parents. There are some methods that you can follow for training your children in the way they should go. Four of these are setting limits, supervision, help, and a positive approach. This lesson will consider setting limits; Lesson 12 will discuss the other three. These rules of action are emphasized in the Word of God as principles for Christian living. (Study Galatians 6:1; 1 Peter 5:2-3; 1 Timothy 3:4; Exodus 20 and related verses that you may find.)

The Necessity for Limits

Whenever one life crosses another, it is necessary to establish certain guidelines to make possible friendly relations. These guidelines, whether written or followed by mutual consent, prescribe and limit activity—do’s and don’ts. We refer to them here as limits. The fewer limits the better, but the ones you set must be firm, definite, fair, and consistent. From pre-school age on up, limits are necessary. In the home or neighborhood, the smallest children need certain limits pertaining to safety, sharing, destroying, hurting others, taking turns, and respecting others’ feelings.

It should be understood that children will never maintain limits perfectly. Parents often ask, “How often must I tell that child to behave before he will do it?” The answer is, “Constantly.” Children have their ups and downs just as adults do. However, the pre-school child does make a beginning toward accepting limits. For example, a teacher was showing a three-year-old boy the meaning of sharing toys with other children. Sometime later she was looking on as he and another boy were playing together. The three-year-old slipped up to the other child, who was playing with a little car, grabbed it out of his hand, and said, “Let’s share.” How you handle such an incident is important. This little boy was just beginning to learn the concept of sharing, even though he misunderstood. He needed some careful teaching, not a scolding.

Agreement on Limits

The limits set in any family should be mutually agreeable to both the father and the mother; otherwise, children learn to play one parent against the other. To illustrate, at a banquet in a church one evening Jimmy whispered to his mother, “May I go to the car and play the radio?” “No, you may not!” she replied. So Jimmy watched until his mother was engaged in conversation. He then quietly turned to his father and said, “How about the keys to the car, Dad, so I can go out and listen to the radio?” Without thinking, Dad reached in his pocket, gave his son the keys, and Jimmy disappeared outside. When Dad and Mom came to themselves and realized what had happened, they found it hard to apply discipline because they themselves had disagreed. This is not an unusual occurrence, is it? It is important that husbands and wives be in agreement on limits. The older children become, the more clever they are in pitting one parent against the other. Therefore, it is important that from the early stages of your marriage you accept the fact that whenever one person’s life crosses another there must be some definite understanding so that the relationship may develop smoothly.

Limits and Neighbors

When it comes to training children, the responsibility for carrying out limits lies with the parent. The character and the understanding of the parent are much more trustworthy than the understanding of the child.

The following experience of one parent illustrates the fact that your limits may not be appreciated by your children and seemingly are not always appreciated by the neighbors.

This parent felt that her child should not cross the busy highway on his bicycle. The other parents in the neighborhood said to their children, “If the rest of the mothers say their children can do it, you can do it.” The gang would go to this woman’s house and plead, but she would say, “No! you can’t do it.” Her child was distraught. “Everybody else’s mother says we can go. You always keep us from going” — as much as to say, “What kind of a mother are you?”

After this happened a few times, the children went once again with the same request. All the other mothers said they could go. Finally, the harassed mother yielded to the pressure and let them go. Suddenly she was hailed as a wonderful mother because the children could have their way. But they had hardly gotten started when the telephone rang. One of the neighbors had called, saying, “Did you tell the children they could cross the street?” “Why, yes.” The neighbor replied, “We were depending on you not to let your child go.”

To have a happy home you may hold standards or values that will seem odd to the neighbors; or your neighbors may silently respect you. In either case, you had better do what is right before God, not what is right in your child’s eyes, or perhaps in the eyes of the mother next door. And if the mother next door doesn’t like this, you still must be pleasant to her from your heart. This requires complete consecration and yieldedness to God.

Limits Outside the Home

It is important for small children to have supervised contacts outside the home. This is important because limits outside the home are different from those within the home. Adults not in the family will react differently also. A child’s first attempts to approach other children or his reactions to being approached by other children are usually similar to those at home. If he is accustomed to taking what he wants, asking for what he wants, or looking longingly at what he wants, he will do so outside the home. However, the response to his approach by other children or adults may be different from what he is accustomed to at home. His approach, successful at home, may be unsuccessful outside the home.

To illustrate, a four-year-old girl, the only child in the family, and the pride and joy of her parents, went to nursery school. She had learned her manners well. Whenever she wanted something, she would say, “Please, may I have it?” Her parents would then grant her most of her requests. At school she walked up to a little girl nearby and said, “Please, may I have that doll?” “No,” was the answer. The four-year-old returned to her mother with a puzzled look on her face and explained, “I said please, and she won’t give it to me.” The mother, too, looked puzzled. The teacher told the mother and child that what might be a successful approach in the home would not necessarily work outside the home. The other child had rights also. It is important that a young child should have such contacts at her own age level outside the home, so that she can learn the facts of life four-year-old style.

Adults Have Limits

The following excerpts from a father’s letter to his son at graduation time, though written as humor, convey a vital message:

Dear Son,

I’m sure you are thrilled by the idea of taking your place at last in adult affairs—a station of life you probably look upon as a time when “big people” will stop telling you to do things … or not to do things …. Your dad has found out that the chains of adult life are wrought of stiffer stuff than the feeble fetters of childhood. Believe me, no one ever suffered a furrowed brow from such simple commands as “Eat your cereal” …. “Do your homework” …. “Report for band practice.” What once may have seemed a terribly harsh order, “Put away your comic book,” will pale into insignificance when compared with “Cut out all pastries and sweets.”

The bigger you get, the bigger other people seem to get—if not bigger in stature, then bigger in authority.

For example, did you see the look on dad’s face when the Internal Revenue man ordered him to report to the collector’s office with his last year’s tax receipts? … When a traffic officer says, “Pull over to the curb,” dad pulls. When grandmother says, “Roll up the window,” dad rolls up …. I just want to prepare you for a lifetime of saying, “Yes, sir,” to master sergeants, shop foremen, loan company executives, bank tellers, tradesmen, public officials, car dealers, game wardens, and a host of other people you never dreamed were your superiors. Even the most politely phrased commands, like “Please remit” or “Kindly step back in the bus” are still commands. Ushers will order you down an aisle; headwaiters will tell you where to sit; courts will summon you for jury duty; the city hall will notify you to shovel the snow off your sidewalk.

You will be dragged off to parties at other people’s houses, and dragged out of bed by people who come to your house. You will be kept off the grass by policemen and kept up by week end guests. You will be put on committees and put off busses. This is the true life beyond commencement. Congratulations and good luck.

Dad

P. S. Get a haircut for graduation.

This letter illustrates some of the reasons why small children need to begin learning about limits and living by them.

The following quotation gives some additional reasons which point out basic needs that limits can help meet:

[God’s] love (Hebrews 12:6) meets a real need; His love is strong enough and wise enough to set limits. These God-given limits mean wonderful, comforting freedom from worry and uncertainty ….

The most important aspect of being an adequate father is the acceptance and handling of authority … accepting someone’s authority over and responsibility for you, accepting the place of authority over and responsibility over others.

Without the setting of limits, by virtue of authority, there is no security. Knowing exactly where “the old man” draws the line, just what are the limits, and that they are well enforced means a happy, efficient organization. A taut ship is a happy ship.

The setting of limits is inherent in the need for authority and security. Just as our God sets limits for us, enforcing them by chastisement, so should we with our children. The setting of intelligent, thoughtful, reasonable limits is a God-delegated duty—limits that are in line with the needs of the child and appropriate to his age, understanding and moral values.

We need to avoid meeting our own needs or whims in disciplining the child while striving to meet his—in keeping with moral principles and a Christian testimony …. As the child grows in knowledge and understanding of God’s Word, authority is transferred from you, the natural father, to God, the heavenly Father. … Have you surrendered, or only complied with, God’s authority?¹

¹Norwell J. Peterson, “The Father—God’s Surrogate,” Christian Medical Journal, January-February, 1957, pages 9, 10.

Study Assignment for Lesson 11

1. What do we mean by “setting limits?” What is the reason for them and how do they pertain to training children?
2. Why should children be taught limits outside the home?
3. Contrast the limits of adulthood with those of childhood.
4. What is the relationship between the authority of parents and the authority of God? between security and setting limits?
5. What problems are involved regarding neighbors and their setting of limits for a happy home?

Self-Check Test 11

Mark the following statements “True” or “False.”

______   1. Happy parenthood involves the willing acceptance of the task of training children.

______   2. The great change which has taken place in family relationships in recent years has removed all fixed points for the guidance of Christian parents.

______   3. Children can be expected to maintain limits perfectly.

______   4. The limits set in any family should be mutually agreeable to both parents.

______   5. The ultimate responsibility for carrying out limits lies with the child.

______   6. The limits set by a family should always conform to those set by other families.

______   7. Limits outside the home are identical with those within the home.

______   8. The child who has learned to get his own way at home will be sure always to get his own way outside the home.

______   9. One of the joys of adulthood is that limits and restraints no longer need to be observed.

______   10. The setting of intelligent, thoughtful, reasonable limits is a God-delegated duty of parents.

Click here for the answers to these questions.

“…then watch yourself, that you do not forget the LORD
who brought you from the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery.” 
—Deuteronomy 6:12, NASB

Parenthood is a big task. This course has been written to help you move in the right direction. Lesson 12 gives pointers on help and supervision and on your approach in handling children. This concluding lesson does not exhaust the responsibilities involved in being an adequate parent. However, this course has been designed to give you some important “Keys to Happy Family Living.” As you apply the understanding derived from this study, you should be a better parent.

Helping Children to Learn

Help children keep limits

Do you remember the boy who was learning to share? It is important to handle an incident like this carefully. Here was a child who was just beginning to grasp a new idea. He still did not correctly understand it. He needed a little help. The teacher had to go to the boy and in a very gentle and firm manner say, “You must give it back. When he is through with the car, you may have it.” The boy did not want to give it back, but his playmate also had his rights. The car was to be shared only after his playmate had kept it for a reasonable time.

Help in applying the rule

You can give a child a simple rule or a simple reason. You do not need to repeat that reason twenty times. What your child needs is a little help in applying the rule. In the case of the two small boys, this help meant taking the car from one boy and giving it back to his playmate. The offender in this situation did not need to be punished; he did need to be helped.

We must work with our children in the spirit of a helpful teacher. Remember that everything is not taught in one day. You have many years to train your children. This necessitates understanding and consistency, gentleness and fairness. We adults are still struggling with some of these principles of right living. We cannot expect our children to become perfect overnight. It is easy for us to tell them to share their toys, but how freely in heart do we share our lawn mower or our automobile? Children value their possessions much as we do ours.

Help in accepting limits

All children need help in accepting limits. A four-year-old girl is an example of this. Her mother, in despair, said, “I am rearing a little delinquent.” This was true. The child was the terror of the block. Today this child is developing normally because her mother learned from a friendly neighbor the secret of setting reasonable limits and helping the child observe them.

One day this little four-year-old was playing in the neighbor’s house. She had scattered blocks all over the room. She decided that it was time to go home and went to the closet to get her coat. The neighbor said, in his firm way, “We should pick up the blocks before you go.” ”I’m not picking up any blocks,” she responded. She proceeded to the closet. This little girl needed someone to help her take care of the blocks. Realizing the child’s need, the neighbor, gently but firmly, led her back to the center of the room. The child wasn’t going to pick up any blocks, and it was a real struggle for the neighbor to help her. With her hand in his, he picked up a block and put it away. He picked up the second one and the third one. She said, “Leave me alone. I’ll do it myself.” He left her alone, but the minute he released his hand, she darted toward the closet. He went after her and brought her back. She was very rebellious and needed some more external help. She did not need a scolding or a threat or a spanking. Those techniques had been tried unsuccessfully by her mother. The neighbor started over again with the child’s hand in his. She did not like it. She protested, but they were getting the job done. He was not doing it for her. He was doing it with her. This is a very important principle. She was not just standing there watching him. Again she said, “Let me alone. I’ll do it myself.” He let her go. This time she stood there to watch him do it. He took her hand in his and started at the job again. Finally, the third time she said, “Let me alone.” He let her alone, and she started doing it herself.

It is true that he did most of the work. It would have been easier for him to do it all himself, but this would not have taught the child what she needed to learn. He did not alienate that child; in fact, his house was her favorite spot for play. She knew that in his home there were definite boundaries, whereas she did not have the security of known limits in her own home. If she yelled, kicked, and screamed, to quiet her the parents would adjust the limits they had set up.

If a child screams in his rebellion, it is more important to see to it that he observes the limits than that his screaming be stopped. The issue should not be, “Stop your screaming.” A child persists in screaming only when he gets the desired results. However, there does not have to be any conditional position in your own mind. If your request is fair and reasonable, then with all kindness help your child fulfill it. You will not make an invalid out of him. You will be teaching him.

Supervision Is Needed

Supervision is necessary wherever limits are set up. This is not only true for children, but also for adults. Most fathers are supervised on their jobs. Why do businesses and big corporations spend many thousands of dollars on supervision? It is normal for all of us to wander away from prescribed limits. This is graphically stated in Romans 3:12: “ALL HAVE TURNED ASIDE, TOGETHER THEY HAVE BECOME USELESS; THERE IS NONE WHO DOES GOOD, THERE IS NOT EVEN ONE.”

Parents ought not to be disappointed if their children need supervision or help. This is the major task and privilege of parenthood. Consider Proverbs 29:15, 17:

“The rod and reproof give wisdom, But a child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother. …. Correct your son, and he will give you comfort; He will also delight your soul.”

Parenthood, therefore, involves a combination of setting limits and then supervising and helping our children so that the limits will be observed.

Help children by demonstration

Another example of this principle of help involves several children playing around a slide. One child had begun to use the slide, and then all the children wanted to use it. Each one wanted to be first, but children need to learn the principle of taking turns. A wise adult approached and gave help. He chose Mary at random and said: “Mary, you first; Johnny is next; and Sally is after Johnny. Tommy is after Sally,” and so on. Soon these children understood the idea of taking turns. They merely needed help by means of a demonstration.

Follow up orders that are not obeyed

Distinguish between words and a real limit

Your children will make a distinction between words and a real limit at your house. You might say, for example, “Children, we are going to eat now.” No one moves. You are in the middle of mashing potatoes and not ready yourself. Your family gets accustomed to your chatter as a worker gets accustomed to the noise in a factory. The noise is there, but they don’t hear it. The same thing happens in a family if you just talk about limits but are not bound by them yourself and are not prepared to carry them through. You are wasting your time by yelling if you do not follow through. This confusion only creates an unwholesome atmosphere in your home.

Some children were playing in a neighbor’s yard. A mother called from across the fence, “Johnny!” Johnny kept on playing. She called a second time and a third. One of the children heard it and said, “Johnny, your mother wants you to go home.” “Oh, I don’t have to go home yet.” Finally, the mother called again with a much different tone and volume, “Johnny!” Some of us have two kinds of voices. There is the voice that means “Hop to it this minute!” and there is the voice the child does not associate with action. A mother may wonder what is the matter with her child because he will not respond to her call. Often the reason is that she is not prepared to follow through. If she calls, she should be prepared to follow up her call. It is the intent to carry things out that makes a difference.

Another mother tells this story: “I want my daughter to take the garbage out. So I ask her in my most pleasant voice, ‘Will you please take the garbage out to the bin?’ The child does not move. I ask her again and again in a pleasant voice, but with no response. My question is, ‘How long do you have to be agreeable before you can get angry?’ Usually about the fourth time I am really irritated. I stop washing dishes, wipe my hands on my apron, and go see that she obeys me. When I do this, my daughter knows I mean business, and she does what I tell her. Why won’t my child mind until I get angry?”

Enforce limits rigidly in kindness

There is an easy solution. The girl does not respond to her mother’s request until about the fourth time because she has learned by experience that her mother does not intend to follow through until then. The mother is attempting to set up a positive limit; namely, that it is her daughter’s job to take out the garbage; but the child knows that only the angry voice and not the pleasant voice means, “You must do it right now!” Could not the child just as easily learn by experience that the quiet voice carries the positive command as well as the angry voice? The simple solution is for mother to enforce her first and not her fourth request.

The secret of discipline is the setting of reasonable limits and enforcing them rigidly in kindness. If you say, “It is bedtime,” set down whatever you are doing and in a kind but firm manner, help your child do what you want him to do.

Positive Approach in Supervision

Many times in a day your child will need your help with dressing, eating, playing, carrying out a task, obeying a limit. You will need to be continually redirecting an activity, resolving a conflict with another child, and the like. Many times in a day, an adult decision followed by appropriate action is necessary.

The positive approach

A little boy four years of age was in an ugly mood. He was looking for trouble. When his playmate came along, he knocked him down and was pounding him. His mother pulled him off. He was kicking, screaming, and yelling as she marched him into the house. He hissed: “Let me alone. I’m going to cut you up in pieces and throw you in the garbage can!” Mother replied: “I know you feel that way, but until you cool off you cannot be out there with the rest of the children. I’ll just wait here with you until you do.”

She did not react negatively to his negative behavior. She was firm with him, and isolated him until he cooled off. This is what is meant by a positive approach. We can, by God’s grace, maintain a spirit of tenderness, kindness, and gentleness regardless of the child’s behavior. Parents need not look at every incident that happens during the day as a crisis, but as part of a continuing learning process. Parents must remember that they are teachers. Accordingly, any incident should be viewed in the perspective of years of learning.

The following incident occurred in a nursery school, where the teachers were making good progress with a boy who had been accustomed to biting other children who resisted him. He had not bitten anyone for a long time. This day he came in sleepy and crabby. He wanted a tricycle that a playmate was using. The playmate refused to give it up, so the ill-natured boy bit him. As the teachers approached the children, both boys were in tears. One could see that the offender knew he had done wrong. One teacher hurried to his playmate to reassure him. The other teacher hurried to the crabby boy and took him into a corner. She said, “You forgot, didn’t you?” “Yeah, I forgot,” he answered. In this case, her approach was much more effective than if she had glared at him and said, “You little brat! I ought to whip the daylights out of you for doing that!” It was clear that he was sorry. The teacher went on to remind him that there were people who could help him get what he wanted. Soon he got up, went to one of the women and said, “Will you help me get a tricycle, please?”

Do you see the underlying principle here? It is not suggested that you let your children run wild. That must be emphasized. You can deal with your child’s most obnoxious behavior in a gentle but firm way. There is a difference between gentle firmness and hostile firmness. A basic tenderness for the child, no matter what the behavior at the moment, is an important invisible help in training children. The boy who was pounding his playmate was handled very differently from the boy who bit his playmate. In either case, the key to the situation was the manner of the adults involved. Kindly and firmly insisting that children behave is far more effective than indulging them, letting them run wild, or allowing them their every whim. A positive approach toward the boy who bit his playmate helped him learn to overcome frustration.

The key to a positive approach is an overall kind feeling for children, not a reaction to what they do at the moment. It takes many years for a child to become an adult. Parents need to be consistent. As parents “train up a child in the way he should go,” they can rejoice in the promise of the Word of God that “when he is old he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6).

Dealing with the Unpredictable

Over and over again, parents are faced with unexpected incidents involving the child, incidents which give endless variety and humor to the task of parenthood. It is at such moments that the basic spirit of the parent is on trial. A positive approach is needed at these unexpected moments if it is ever needed. There are, of course, those times when you can carefully weigh all sides of a matter, when you will discuss it and plan carefully what you will say and do. However, the snap decision and the way you react to it really set the tone in your home.

The following illustration clarifies what is meant by the unexpected incident:

One morning a mother of three children walked into the kitchen. She was humming happily to herself as she entered. The three boys were grouped around the kitchen sink chattering good-naturedly. She thought to herself that they were getting along agreeably together. Then to her consternation she saw what they were doing. On the drainboard by the sink was a pile of a dozen eggshells and in a bowl were the dozen eggs. The mother was enraged and proceeded to give the boys a angry lecture, telling them that for the rest of the day each must stay in the house and be isolated.

This is what the boys were doing: one had gotten the idea that he would poke a hole in the end of a raw egg, empty the shell, and as a joke throw it at his mother. Emptying the contents of the egg proved to be a very interesting experience, so they did it to another egg. They enjoyed it so much that they went through the whole dozen.

After her angry tirade, the mother began to think more rationally. Here she was, enraged, spoiling her day for herself and for her children over a dollar’s worth of eggs. She was ashamed, repented before God, called her children, and confessed that she had acted in a very inappropriate way. Then she made it plain that their deed was not to be repeated. Permission to do such things was needed from her. Everyone was relieved. That noon they all enjoyed scrambled eggs—and later on scrambled egg snacks.

Points to ponder

When you must do something about an incident involving your child, you need to remember some specific helps as you approach him in a positive manner.

1. Physical and verbal approach

When there is a disturbing incident among children, you must go to the scene in person. Such incidents are seldom a life-and-death matter. You need to arrive at the scene in a relaxed, casual manner. You can move rapidly without appearing hurried or upset. You seldom need to get there at top speed, with your hair flying and all out of breath.

Give thought to your first words. Even if the children are screaming and hitting, you can take a few seconds to consider what you will say or do when you get there. Tone of voice and choice of words are important. You can speak firmly, but in a kind way.

Get eye-to-eye contact. It helps to be on the same level with the person to whom you are talking. You need not stand over your children, looking down on them and they up at you. Scoop them up in your arms, or get down to where they are.

2. Attitudinal approach

What led up to the situation? Often parents bear down on children with no plan of approach. If you are to be helpful, you need to know what happened. As you drew near the group, you may have seen the whole situation or you may not have. It is equally important that you know what was said between the children. Parents tend to ignore the words exchanged between children. If you do not know what happened, your first task is not to say, “You kids, quit your fighting!” No doubt they want to quit as much as you want them to quit. Rather, your first task is to find out what led up to the situation. This need not be a cross-examination. If everyone talks to you at once, or if there is disagreement over what happened, you simply will not get the facts.

Remedy the situation. You will need to take action with or without the facts. If you can get the facts easily, you will be fortunate. If you lack information, be aware of your lack. Perhaps the children were too loosely supervised in the first place. There was no one around to see what was happening until the outburst occurred. Be slow to judge or to fix blame. Keep your questions to a minimum. Remember that your firm, kind manner will be the key to the situation. Never give a choice unless you are prepared to accept either choice. The children may need help through positive, firm adult action. You can try distraction, channeling their activities in another direction, isolation, retiring disputed equipment, kind physical restraint.

Trial and error on the part of the adult are involved. Your first attempt may or may not be successful. No one makes perfect decisions always. The final result may not mean happiness for all concerned. You may need to help a child accept frustration. This is often done best in silence. To illustrate, your child might tearfully sob, “I want that truck.” But he can’t have the truck just now. Within you, silent acceptance and sympathy for his desire are in order. This is no time for a lecture on sharing. This is the time for a demonstration.

You need to accept children’s negative reactions in a tense moment, but you need not give in to them. Remember that, in the perspective of a year of living, this is just an incident and that you are the steadying, dependable influence. You never know what your children will do next, but they ought to know what you will do next. When the incident is over, cease talking about it.

Conclusion

Parenthood is a full-time job. To qualify, you need to be a person of inner peace—the peace that passes understanding, given by God, and evidenced in the unexpected, unprepared for, unwanted twists and turns of life. This inner peace, then, makes life a fascinating, pleasant journey, wherever it may lead. Parenthood, to be successful, requires a partnership of two people dedicated to the task of blending their bodies, souls, and spirits into a unit that is dedicated to serving God and pleasing Him.

Parenthood requires an acceptance of the task, the desire to understand it, the willingness to be as diligent in preparation and performance as the most accomplished artist, business leader, or professional.

Conflicts and problems will arise. These can lead you to ever higher levels of accomplishment as you demonstrate the power of God through them. To identify problems and solve them is to find success. To cover them up or pretend they are not there is to taste defeat. Each partner should be ready and willing to see his part in any decision or task and do it as a dedicated servant of God.

There is nothing magic or accidental about living a life of happiness, peace, and joy. Building a happy family requires that you abide in Christ. There is nothing easy or automatic about it.

Guiding children implies a purpose and a goal. You need to know where you are going. You need to assume responsibility for influencing your children. Your influence for good or for ill will probably count more than any other in the lives of your children (Proverbs 22:8). You must work hard to make learning wholesome and effective for your children.

Parenthood is a twenty-year-long job. If you do your work well, you will lose your children. They will leave to attend to their own careers and families. Therefore, it is important that you should be effective partners, that you should keep in touch with each other and stay friends. You will reach your later years just as you started—only the two of you facing a new and glorious life together. You ought to train your family with this goal in mind: that when the day comes for you to say “Godspeed” to your children as they begin to plan for their own families, it will be a joyful day for both of you, with memories of happy years gone by. Then you can look ahead with a keen anticipation because you have trained your child in the way he should go (Proverbs 22:6). Then you and your partner can look deep into each other’s united souls and anticipate the time when the risen Lord will say to you, “Well done, thou good and faithful servant.” Meanwhile, with mutual consent you can say, “Bring on our new life together and let us make it a fruitful one for the glory of God.”

Study Assignment for Lesson 12

1.  Illustrate an incident when a child should be helped, not punished.

2.  What is the meaning of enforcing the setting of limits by giving help to a child?

3.  What is included in the use of this positive approach?

4.  What is the significance of unexpected incidents?

5.  List as many helps as you can find to the positive approach to children’s behavior.

6.  Write a short review of the conclusion of this course.

This course will be helpful to you if you apply its teaching to your personal life.

Self-Check Test 12

In the space provided, mark the following statements “True” or “False.”

______   1. The only thing required in teaching a child a simple rule or a simple reason is to repeat it many times.

______   2. All children need help in accepting limits.

______   3. Supervision is necessary wherever limits are set up.

______   4. Children will make a distinction between words

______   5. The secret of disciplining is the setting of reasonable limits and enforcing
                  them rigidly in kindness.

______   6. Parents need to look on every incident that happens during the day as a crisis.

______   7. The key to a positive approach is an over-all kind feeling for children.

______   8. When an unpredictable situation arises, the basic spirit of the parent is on trial.

______   9. When correcting a disturbing incident, eye-to-eye contact and a parent’s first words are both of supreme importance.

______   10. Parents need to be looking ahead to the time when their children will have grown up.

Click here for the answers to these questions.