34700.93712 Parenting

Children are a precious gift from God, and yet too often they find themselves in an environment of neglect, or even abuse within their own homes. As they learn and grow, they are constantly bombarded with worldly influences that conflict with God’s Word. The strongest influence on our children can be our own character.  Modeling godly behavior and a love for the Lord are vital while providing direction, boundaries, correction, love and encouragement to our children.

How to Build a Healthy Family

Parents with Power

Ever wish you could make someone do the right thing? Parents often watch their children make bad decisions and feel powerless to do anything about it. Unfortunately, many just give in and put a “band-aid” on a situation by giving money instead of time, ignoring a situation instead of disciplining, or trying to be their child’s friend instead of their parent. The best way to love your child is to care enough to correct them when they need it. (read more)

Modeling Behavior for Children

How seriously do you take the Bible? If you read something about parent-child relations in the Bible that contradicts something you read in another book, which teaching do you accept as truth? (read more)

Honoring Parents

Do you and your partner agree on how to raise your children? If not, you may think you are experiencing a marriage problem because you can’t get together on this important issue. This can feel like a pretty hopeless situation. Often times your children have learned how to pit you against one another. By the time they get into their teens, those kids will be able to do what they please, because they will have learned how to manage you instead of you managing them. (read more)

I’m Not Having Fun Yet!

Someone once said to me, “Don’t make parenting so difficult. Just relax and have fun! You don’t have to know everything in order to be a good parent.” Being a parent starts out as a dream. Doting, expectant fathers and their pregnant wives dream about the sweet infant all cozy in pink or blue blankets with cute outfits and fun toys. With smiles in their eyes, they turn to each other and vow, “We’re going to be the best parents ever!”

Then the baby arrives. Suddenly the parents discover “the dream” yells. And smells. And spits. All at 3 a.m. (read more)

Discipline with Love and Conviction

God’s Word instructs us to love one another (1 Peter 1:22). Nearly every parent wants to give his or her children tender, loving, and sacrificial care that flows out of a heart of love; but even the most dedicated mother or father cannot do this unless God is the source of that love. This is because God is love, and as we walk in His love, it will flow to our children through us.

God does not leave us without guidance. In fact, the biblical standard for love is described in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. It has fifteen components: suffers long, is kind, does not envy, does not parade itself, is not puffed up, does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil, does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth, always bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (read more)

Setting Limits

In all athletic team competitions, the home and visiting teams and their corresponding fans all go by the same rules and boundaries. The rules are published in a book and knowledge of the rules is essential to understanding and playing the game. Making sure the players stay within the limits established by the rule book is the job of the officials. If a player breaks a rule, the referee penalizes the entire team. The player and his team must accept the consequences. The referee’s interpretation of the game is final.

The phrase football game tells us many things. The very name of the game determines the shape of the ball, the dimensions of the playing field, the rules of the game, and the type of clothes the players and officials wear.

The word family also tells us many things. Determined limits make a family unique. (read more)

The Truth about Consequences

We do our children a great favor if we help them understand there are consequences for their actions … good and bad.

Distraught parents often come to me because their children are suffering the consequences of not being adequately supervised. Of course, teenagers do not want to be supervised, but oftentimes dire consequences will be the result of parents adhering to their children’s complaints and demands for more personal freedom in areas where they are unable to cope with temptation. Setting consequences for a child’s choices and then making them happen is a crucial part of teaching children. They must learn the principles expressed in Galatians 6:7: “Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap.” (read more)

Helping Kids Live Within Limits

I want to remind you that raising children is a 20-year process. Twenty years. So those of you with preschool children need to remember that you have a ways to go! So relax, take it easy; there isn’t any one day that makes a whole lot of difference, not in the perspective of 20 years.

In Isaiah 53:6 we read, “All we like sheep have gone astray.” One could think of this verse as the theme for family life. If parents go ”astray,” the children will usually follow. It’s important to recognize the responsibility you have in raising your children. (read more)

Expect Respect from Your Children

The foundation upon which you’re going to build an effective family life is this: You expect your children to honor you. Now how does that happen? That happens when you and your partner sit down and develop guidelines, limits, and rules that both of you are prepared to carry out, and in your considered judgment, are in the best interests of your children. (read more)

Enforcing Boundaries with Children

How seriously do you take your responsibilities as a parent? Do you believe in setting limits and boundaries? Many people these days are saying, “Don’t pressure your child. If they don’t want to do it, don’t force them.” (read more)

Setting Reasonable Limits for Kids

“But Mommy, I don’t want to.” Or maybe, it’s “No, Daddy, I won’t.” Sound familiar? These responses are the “cries of resistance” to major principles parents need to set down concerning their families. These principles are called limits.

When you think about living and working together as a family, setting limits is vital. Children need limits – limits that are fair, reasonable, and as few as possible. The limits of your family need to be clearly communicated and enforced. (read more)

Cooperative Parenthood

If your marriage partner is more intimately involved in your life than anyone else, your children run a close second. You will either reveal or conceal your spirit around your children. (read more)

Four Building Blocks for Raising Children

What do you think is involved in being an effective parent?

The Bible tells us in Proverbs 22:6 to “Train up a child in the way he should go; and when he is old, he will not depart from it” (KJV).

Now that’s a tall order, and a great responsibility, and there are some positive ingredients that make that possible. (read more)

Examples From Case Histories

Dr. Henry Brandt shares insights from various counseling sessions with parents. The names and certain details in these true case histories have been changed to protect each person’s identity and privacy.

Everyone Wanting Their Own Way

Jon was 14, a handsome, tough young man. A likable guy, he noticed the pictures on the wall of my office and asked what it took to graduate from the college I’d attended. Someday he wanted to be a professional man, he said. I found out that he liked sports, reading, and church, and had lots of friends.

But when it came to talking about his folks, his eyes became slits, his lips pressed into a line, and his voice raised a couple of levels as he shrilled, “I hate them!”’ (read more)

Damaging Comparisons

Sisters Kendra and Connie Evans were much alike, except that Kendra was an “ugly duckling” in comparison with her blonde, blue-eyed, younger sister. The difference had been repeatedly noted even in childhood.

”What a perfectly beautiful child!” strangers had exclaimed over Connie. And through the years, Mrs. Evans never tired of hearing this praise for her younger daughter.

”Connie is a pretty child,” she would reply. ”It’s just too bad that her sister couldn’t have shared her good fortune.” (read more)

A Mother-Daughter Battle

“I love Betty very much and she knows it. But why is she so rebellious?” Mrs. Grant asked me.

This mother was a sincere Christian, and her teenage daughter had been a continual object of her prayers. She could not get Betty to study, do a chore right, get along with her brother, or even eat properly. It was a mother-daughter battle, and it terribly distressed Mrs. Grant. (read more)

Act Like a Parent!

Isabel Carr complained that her problems began the day she decided to become an obedient wife. “I figured that a Christian woman ought to be subject to her husband,” she said.

And what had ten years of obedience produced? Her husband, Glenn, bowled four nights every week. He paid little attention to the children, even missing their son Dan’s high school graduation because Glenn stayed too long on the golf course. Three months ago, admitting he was growing fond of his secretary, Glenn moved out. He had not contributed a dime to the family since. (read more)

[The articles above are by Dr. Henry Brandt from BiblicalCounselingInsights.com]

34401.93712 Soul Mates by God

Discover God’s Best for You

Have you ever considered the possibility that God already has a perfect match planned for you? If that’s true, how can you cooperate with him to meet your future soul mate? [read more]

It Starts with Me

You are dreaming of finding the ideal mate from God’s perspective. In other words, you want God’s best for you when it comes to marriage. [read more]

The Next Step

God doesn’t show us everything at once. He doesn’t give us a map laying out everything in his plan for our lives. No, he leads us bit by bit, and we have to follow one step at a time. [read more]

Wrong Motives

Most people probably have not just one but a combination of motivations for wanting to marry. One motivation may predominate over another at any given time. Which motives rise to the top for you? [read more]

Poor Decision-making

Most people don’t really think about how they make decisions. But it’s really important. Even if you don’t have a decision to make regarding your love life right now, someday you will. We want to help you decide how to decide. [read more]

Pursue “Oneness” Potential

God desires “oneness” in marriage. God wants married couples to grow into greater union with each other while simultaneously growing in intimacy with him. [read more]

Avoid the “Type” Trap

If you want to have a healthy, positive, ideal soul-mate relationship, you need to have the right criteria for selecting your type of partner. [read more]


The above articles are abridged versions of chapters from the book, Soul Mate by God (Download the free ebook in PDF). Visit SoulMatebyGod.com for more resources.

34500.93712 Marriage

Most marriage difficulties are rooted in personal problems. Self-centeredness, competition and irresponsibility can threaten the foundation of any marriage. “Marriage God’s Way” includes sacrifice, cooperation and commitment. Dr. Henry Brandt shares insights in the articles below to help teach you how to build a healthy marriage based on Biblical principles.

How To Cultivate Your Marriage

Building Harmony in Marriage

Those who proceed into marriage with an individualistic mindset create disharmony in their relationship, and usually end up lonely and unhappy. (read more)

Are You and Your Spouse Not Getting Along?

The foundation upon which you build your marriage relationship is a mutually agreeable and mutually binding plan. That’s what makes marriage successful. It’s not a “tingle”; it’s a lifetime commitment. It’s not competition; it’s cooperation. (read more)

A Solid Foundation

“I want to be a better spouse.” You say this, thinking back over a multitude of incidents that make up the history of your family. Some of them were funny when they happened; others are funny only as we look back on them. Still others were serious. Some were puzzling. (read more)

Spirit-Filled Marriage

Nobody gets married without the highest of hopes that this is going to be one of the finest, friendliest, most congenial, most satisfying relationships that anybody ever had. And that is a possibility. It is possible to live that kind of life. However, we need to stop and consider what goes into a relationship that will guarantee happiness, contentment, and satisfaction. (read more)

Who is the Leader?

“Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord.” (Ephesians 5:22) There it is. One of the most fiercely debated Bible verses concerning marriage. “Why should the wife do all the submitting?” That is the hot question. But here is the greater truth: the wife is not the one who needs to do all the submitting … this verse does not stand alone. (read more)

Marriage God’s Way

“… present yourselves to God …” (Romans 6:13). Sometimes it seems as though a long-lasting marriage is determined by chance or circumstances or just plain old luck. However, there are some steps that will enable you to establish your marriage on a solid foundation that will help you stay in it for the long haul. (read more)

Good Communication

The secret of getting along in marriage lies in two people applying the principle embodied in this verse from the Bible: “And just as you want men to do to you, you also do to them likewise” (Luke 6:31). This is a workable formula! And amazingly, it is easier to carry out than to trying to figure out the other person. (read more)

Marriage Partnership

The foundation upon which you build your marriage relationship is a mutually agreeable and mutually binding plan. That’s what makes marriage successful. It’s not a “tingle”; it’s a lifetime commitment. It’s not competition; it’s cooperation. Is your partnership built on this foundation? Just as teammates have to go into a game with the same plan, you and your partner must approach your marriage, not with the attitude of ‘me versus you,’ but with the attitude of being fully committed to the same plan. (read more)

An Inner Life for a Healthy Marriage

There is no one person as intimately involved in your life as your marriage partner. So, your partner will make you more conscious of your inner life than anyone else. How are you contributing to happiness in your marriage?

Marriage, like no other human relationship, will keep you up to date on the condition of your inner life. It is a personal decision, unrelated to marriage, whether or not you repent of a negative inner life and allow God to flood your soul with His Spirit. (read more)

Marriage Boundaries

You probably got married as friends, but then found yourselves running into difficulty because you each had your own way of living and doing. You came from one family, and your partner came from another family, and those families were different.

Your job as a couple is to create some boundaries and rules that will guide you in your marriage. But if you’ve never created any rules before, and you or your partner don’t like rules and boundaries, it won’t be an easy task. (read more)

Like-Minded Marriage

Are you experiencing difficulty in your marriage relationship? Are there times when you just can’t seem to get on the same page with your spouse? If you get married with the idea that the person you’re marrying is going to transform your life, turn you into a loving, kind, gentle, cheerful, and happy person, you’re mistaken. Marriage is, first of al,l a matter of your spirit, and marriage will reveal what kind of spirit is in your heart. (read more)

Escaping Difficult Situations

God is with us in every situation, and He is with us right where we are! What we need to discover is how to respond appropriately to our current circumstances. You can either have a wonderful time underneath your skin, or a miserable time underneath your skin, and it’s all up to you. The question is: Do you want to experience true peace, or are you more content with being angry, with bearing a grudge, with complaining, with being cranky? The answer to that question requires some personal reflection! (read more)

Examples From Case Histories

Dr. Henry Brandt shares insights from various couples he counseled. The names and certain details in these true case histories have been changed to protect each person’s identity and privacy.

Competing Spouses

When the Dolans, a Christian couple, came to see me, they had not spoken to each other for several weeks. The tension had become unbearable. The issue was over dancing in gym class. Hal Dolan had said flatly that their son should not participate. Melissa Dolan had agreed in front of her husband, but privately gave their son permission to participate. Hal found out about it through a conversation with a neighbor who had visited the gym class. (read more)

The Need for Forgiveness

Neither Frank nor Kate Bonner really wanted to break up their home, yet they were heading in that direction–fast! After 23 years of marriage, Frank had become interested in a younger woman in his office. Kate said she could see why. Kate’s hair was gray, her hands showed the years of housework she had done, her face was lined with the wrinkles of middle age. She was tired much of the time and was subject to frequent and sudden illnesses. (read more)

It’s the Little Things

Everything seemed in their favor when George and Ellie got married. He was a research chemist with a good income, they bought a nice house, were active in the church, and popular with their friends. But in a few weeks this young couple was in my office seeking help. Their story went like this. George came home one night and was greeted as usual in the living room with a tender kiss. But as he held Ellie in his arms, his eyes wandered to a corner of the room and he saw hanging from the ceiling a long, wavy cobweb. He said nothing about it that night, or the next, but both times while maintaining a pleasant appearance, he said to himself in disgust, “What kind of a woman did I marry that she can’t keep her house clean?” (read more)

The Need for Respect

“I’ll post those receipts the way you say to, Ken, but Mr. Roland never had me do them that way,” said Margaret Lowe to her husband in their insurance office. “Mr. Roland … it’s always ‘Mr. Roland did this’ or ‘Mr. Roland didn’t do that’” he snapped. “Don’t forget, Ken,” Margaret said, “Mr. Roland was successful enough to sell out at 50 and move to Florida.” “And when I’m 65, I’ll still be struggling to complete the down payment on the business. You might as well add that,” he growled. For ten years, Margaret had admired Mr. Roland’s keen business sense. When Kenneth Lowe joined Mr. Roland’s sales force, Margaret thought she saw the same qualities in the new employee and she accepted his proposal of marriage after a rather hurried courtship. Then in those first few months of living together she found she didn’t know Ken as well as she had thought. (read more)

The Need for Repentance

Bill and Jan Stanton lived in a long, rambling nine-room ranch house on a three-acre beautifully wooded tract of land. The swimming pool in the backyard, the two expensive cars in the garage, the neatly landscaped yard all added up to the obvious—total success. (read more)

When Independence is Bad

Viola Walker was far from an avid angler, but she did go fishing with her husband, Louis, several times after they were married. Then, after three trips to the same trout steam and enduring her husband’s complaints that she scared the fish away, Viola gave up the fishing business. Viola’s interest was community projects and current events. She became deeply involved in these activities. Then, after one fishing trip, Louis talked about a “genuine fisher woman” who had been in their crowd, and Viola felt a pang of jealousy. And she was hurt when he said he couldn’t stay home to watch her debate the new expressway route on television because he was meeting his fishing friends, including “Lady Walton.” (read more)

Great Expectations

Todd Turner was in trouble: for the third time, his wife had threatened to leave him, and this time she meant it. And all over a dog—or so Todd said. Todd was away from home much of the time and had bought Tracy a dog for company before the birth of their first child. After the baby’s arrival, Todd wanted to get rid of the dog. “If the dog goes, I go, too,” Tracy warned. “All right, go ahead,” he told her. And so they separated. (read more)

[The articles above are by Dr. Henry Brandt from Biblical Counseling Outreach.]

25402 Instructions

HOW TO STUDY

1. Get Ready

Try to find a quiet spot free from distractions and noise, to concentrate on your work.

2. Pray

Begin each lesson with prayer. Ask the Spirit of God to help you understand the principles taught and to give you a willingness to put them into practice. Remember that the Holy Spirit is the Great Teacher (John 14:26).

3. Read, Study, Meditate, and Apply

Read the lesson thoroughly, looking up Scripture references in their context to understand them. Read, reread, study and think about what you have read until you grasp the themes and outlines presented. Always apply practical truths to yourself.
The more light you have on God’s Word, the more responsible you are to live up to it. Do the things mentioned in the Study Assignments, which are at the end of each lesson.

SELF-CHECK and PERSONAL EVALUATION TESTS

1. Self-Check Tests

The purpose of the self-check tests is to help you evaluate your progress before proceeding to the next lesson. You may use your tests as an aid to study; but when you actually fill in the answers, you should do so without reference to your materials. A link is provided to a complete answer key to all self-check tests. When you have answered all the questions, check your answers and evaluate your progress.

Each lesson is followed by a self-check test.

2. Personal Evaluation Tests

Personal Evaluation Tests will be found at the end of some lessons. These tests are designed to help you evaluate your progress in a practical way. A link to a complete answer key to these tests is also given.

HOW LONG SHOULD IT TAKE?

Study at your own speed. Normally, about two hours are required to complete a lesson.

25423 Appendices

ANSWER KEY

Answer Key to Self-Check Tests

Be sure to look up any questions you have answered incorrectly. The page number is given after each question in the test. Mark with an “x” your wrong answers.

100 % Excellent work.

90 % Very good work. Check the ones you answered incorrectly. 80 % Good work. Reread the lesson.

Less than 80%. Study the lesson again. 

Multiply the number of questions you answered correctly by 10 to get your score.

100 % = Excellent work.

90 % = Very good work. Check the ones you answered incorrectly.

80 % = Good work. Reread the lesson.

Less than 80%. Study the lesson again.

Answer Key to Personal Evaluation Tests

TEST 1

YES: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8

No: 9, 10, 11, 12

TEST 2

YES: 1, 3, 5, 7, 9, 11

No: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10, 12

TEST 3

YES: 1, 3, 4, 6, 7, 9

No: 2, 5, 8, 10, 11, 12

TEST 4

All answers should be checked. Those you cannot honestly check are trouble spots.

TEST 5

YES: 1, 2, 5, 7, 8

No: 3, 4, 6, 9, 10

TEST 6

YES: 2, 3, 5, 6, 8, 12, 13

No: 1, 4, 7, 9, 10, 11, 14

Additional Resource Materials

Anson, Elva. How to Keep the Family That Prays Together from Falling Apart. Chicago: Moody Press, 1975.

Campbell, Ross. How to Really Love Your Teenager. Victor, 1981.

Cooper, Darien. You Can Be the Wife of a Happy Husband. Wheaton, Illinois: Scripture Press, 1974.

Dobson, James. Dare to Discipline. Tyndale, n.d. A study guide for this book, Dare to Discipline Discussion Guide, is also available from Tyndale.

Getz, Gene and Zuck, Roy. Ventures in Family Living. Chicago: Moody Press, 1971.

Hancock, Maxine. Love, Honor and Be Free. Chicago: Moody Press, 1975.

Hillis, Don W. For More Than a Diamond. Chicago: Moody Press, 1966.

Ketterman, Grace H. and Ketterman, Herbert L. The Complete Book of Baby and Child Care for Christian Parents. Revell, 1981.

Landorf, Joyce. Tough and Tender. Revised edition. Revell, 1981.

MacArthur, John, Jr. The Family. Moody, 1982. A six-part film series on the family by Dr. MacArthur is also available from Moody.

Neff, Mariam. Discover Your Worth. Victor, 1979.

Ortlund, Anne. Children Are Wet Cement. Revell, 1981.

Richards, Lawrence O. You, the Parent. Chicago: Moody Press, 1974.

Smith, Virginia Watts. The Single Parent. Revised edition. Revell, 1983.

Sweeting, George. Marriage Is More Than Loving. Chicago: Moody Press, 1974. (An inexpensive tract booklet.)

Swindoll, Charles. Strike the Original Match. Multnomah, 1980.

Wagner, Maurice. The Sensation of Being Somebody. Zondervan, 1975. A Self-Teaching Guide. (Zondervan, 1981) and a Group Session Guide (Zondervan, 1981) are also available.

White, John. Parents in Pain. InterVarsity, 1979.

Williams, Norman V. The Christian Home. Chicago: Moody Press, 1952.

Successful Living Series. Warsaw, Indiana: Ken Anderson Films, n.d. (A film series on the family.)

25412 Personal Peace (Part 2)

“Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you;
not as the world gives do I give to you.
Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.”  

—John 14:27, NASB

Adequate parenthood requires persons who are at peace with themselves. Lesson 1 gave two steps that will lead you toward personal peace. This lesson is a continuation of Lesson 1.

Proper Desires

It is good for us to set goals for ourselves. The Lord Jesus said, “But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you” (Matthew 6:33). It makes a difference what you put first, what you desire. Consider Mark 10:35-45. James and John asked Christ for help in attaining a certain goal, a position for themselves. Christ, in reply, stated His own goal, saying, “For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.”

Jesus said in Matthew 16:24-25:

“Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.”

Desires from a Willing Heart

Your reason for what you do is as important to you as the act. The character of your service determines whether you will “love yourself.”

Many Christians are not joyful Christians because of the character of their obedience to the Lord. They say, ‘Yes, Lord,” and obey, but are like the little boy who insisted on standing up on the seat while riding in the automobile. His mother kept urging him to sit down. Finally, with a frowning face he obeyed. Noticing that his mother was not too well pleased, he said, “Well, you told me to sit down, and I did. I’m sitting down on the outside, but inside I’m standing up!”

God’s promise to Israel long ago has a message for us today: “If you consent and obey, you will eat the best of the land” (Isaiah 1:19, emphasis added).

Paul says:

“Therefore if you have been raised up with Christ, keep seeking the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth” (Colossians 3:1-2).

In 1 Timothy 6:11 the apostle says, “…pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, perseverance and gentleness.”

Desires pleasing to God

Daniel lived in an environment where all around him people were eating, drinking, and making merry. However, the record states:

“But Daniel made up his mind that he would not defile himself with the king’s choice food or with the wine which he drank; so he sought permission from the commander of the officials that he might not defile himself” (Daniel 1:8).

If Daniel had secretly longed for the king’s meat and wine, his abstinence would have been hypocrisy and deceit. Our desires must be pleasing to God, even though everyone else has other desires. Our standard is the Bible, not what others do.

David asks the question and then answers it:

“Who may ascend into the hill of the LORD? And who may stand in His holy place? He who has clean hands and a pure heart, who has not lifted up his soul to falsehood and has not sworn deceitfully. He shall receive a blessing from the LORD and righteousness from the God of his salvation” (Psalm 24:3-5).

During high school days, a young man was an outstanding leader in church activities. He always said the right thing and went to the right places. To everyone’s surprise, this young man quit following after spiritual things during his college days, even though he attended a Christian institution. He began indulging in activities frowned upon by his church. He discontinued going to church, to Bible study meetings and youth rallies. The reason? He said his heart had never been in his church activities. Now he was doing what he had always longed to do. How much happier he would have been if he had really known Christ! Your desires need to be in accord with your words and actions if you wish to find inner peace.

Proper Feelings and Thoughts

Desires, feelings, and thoughts go hand in hand. For example, God’s rule concerning the act of Christian giving is recorded in 2 Corinthians 9:7:

“Each one must do just as he has purposed in his heart, not grudgingly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.”

God says concerning prayer, “The LORD is near to all who call upon Him, to all who call upon Him in truth” (Psalm 145:18). On the other hand, “If I regard wickedness in my heart, the Lord will not hear” (Psalm 66:18).

The outer man must agree with the inner man

There is much social pressure that requires you to look happy, to act as if you were happy, to be polite, to do the acceptable thing. Of course we should do these things. However, the outer man must agree with the inner man. The Christian is concerned, not only with his tone of voice, but with what is in the heart as well. The Christian is concerned, not only with how he acts, but with how he feels. James says:

“But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your heart, do not be arrogant and so lie against the truth. This wisdom is not that which comes down from above, but is earthly, natural, demonic” (James 3:14-15, emphasis added).

To illustrate, a certain woman is a very friendly person, easy to talk to, likable. Consequently, she is always invited to the neighbors’ homes for coffee. Friends often ask her to drive them somewhere. The church is always asking her to do special tasks. Her husband frequently brings guests home. But behind her friendly manner are her dislike of people and her resentment because she feels that she is being imposed upon. The people who call upon her surely benefit from her services and her friendliness. She is the loser. The conflict between her acting and her feeling may cause her to become ill.

An official of the famed Mayo Clinic, Dr. Edward Rynearson, made the statement that seven out of ten persons who see a doctor “have symptoms but not actual organic diseases.” He says a symptom is usually related to tension caused by conflict between the inner and the outer man.

Dr. O. Spurgeon English, of Temple University, Department of Psychiatry, points out that the emotions can affect blood nourishment, glandular functions, or muscle tones. Most laymen think of pain as originating only from such causes as broken bones, bruises, ulcers, inflammation, or infections. They think their discomfort must come from a condition which can be diagnosed by x-ray or other laboratory methods.

Dr. English has found that anxiety, hostility, guilt, jealousy, anger, frustration, worry, rage, resentment, and envy are some of the emotions that can cause such problems as disorders of the gastrointestinal tract, disorders of the heart, disorders of the skin, headaches. A glance at his list of emotions reminds one of the works of the flesh, listed in Galatians 5:19-26, or passages such as Ephesians 4:31-32 and James 3:14-18.
Note also the fruit of the Spirit of God in these verses, that is, the proper inner reaction toward others.

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control” (Galatians 5:22-23, NIV).

Your goal—a wholesome response

An adequate estimate of yourself requires proper feelings. Words and deeds without appropriate desires and feelings behind them leave you cold, dissatisfied with yourself; and, hence, keep you from a proper love of your neighbor.

Each of us has his own private world of thoughts. The questions are often asked: “What do you think of that person?” “What do you suppose he meant?” “What did you think of the sermon?” Such questions illustrate that you hold the key of the gate to your thoughts. No one can share your thoughts without your consent. For you to have a sense of wholesomeness, you must experience wholesome thinking.

We come back to “the great commandment” (Matthew 22:37). If we love God wholly, we want to do things His way. The promise is that, if you “let your requests be made known to God … the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7). When our minds and hearts are in tune with God, our thinking will be wholesome.

A reporter tells of a reaction common to many. While covering a dog show, he approached an official for a press pass, explaining that he wanted to write an article about the show. The official delivered a brief, snarling lecture on the subject of people who expect to get into dog shows free, unless they are showing dogs. Then he asked, “Are you showing dogs?” “No, I am not!” replied the reporter. The official abruptly turned his back, leaving an astonished and overwhelmed reporter. Immediately the newsman began to think of things he should have said. Sharp-edged retorts leaped into his mind. He fancied a much more successful comeback that included sidestepping an irate, lunging official and flooring him with a neat right to the jaw. He had thought himself into a sweat before something else took his attention.

How different was Christ’s example! After being beaten, spat upon, mocked, and crucified, He called upon God, saying,

“Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34).

Peter said of the Lord Jesus,

“…and while being reviled, He did not revile in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously” (1 Peter 2:23).

Feelings and thoughts have to do with the inner man. They need not show. As the psalmist says,

“His speech was smoother than butter, but his heart was war; his words were softer than oil, yet they were drawn swords” (Psalm 55:21).

Your goal ought to be such that your response to the unexpected situation, the unfair, unreasonable situation, will be a wholesome, positive one — “We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5).

When you achieve this goal, you will find that your thoughts will conform to the exhortation of Philippians 4:8:

“Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.”

Summary

Proper words, proper actions, proper desires, proper feelings, proper thoughts are the ingredients that give you a sense of personal wholesomeness. These qualities are necessary in order that you might love your neighbor—as yourself.

Study Assignment for Lesson 2

Read thoughtfully Philippians 4:8-9. Meditate on this Scripture passage.

Ask yourself:

  1. What kind of example should I be?
  2. What thoughts should occupy my mind this week?
  3. What promise is given for me to rely on?
  4. What weakness do I see in my life?
  5. What new truth have I learned from Philippians 4:8-9?

Personal Evaluation Test 1

Instructions

The personal evaluation test below is the first of six such tests in the course. These are intended to help you determine whether you are practicing in life what the course teaches.

After completing each test, click to the associated answer sheet and check your answers. You will find it beneficial to review any points you miss. Look up the page listed after each question and re-read the section carefully to find where you failed to measure up.

Check Up on Your Personal Peace

Answer Yes or No in the space provided.

______   1. I always speak kindly about those who hurt me.

______   2. I speak gently to my child when he has an accident.

______   3. I believe that “a soft answer turns away wrath.”

______   4. I use a soft answer to turn away wrath.

______   5. I am happy to have people know what I say about them behind their backs.

______   6. Everything I have done today could be looked upon as an act of worship.

______   7. My standard of living is the Bible.

______   8. I believe that the Lord Jesus Christ can give me victory over frustration,
                  jealousy and anger.

______   9. When my child screams, I scream back.

______   10. I sometimes feel ashamed of what I have said.

______   11. I am holding a grudge against someone.

______   12. I retaliate when someone offends me.

Click here to go to the Personal Evaluation Test Answer Key to check your answers.

Self-Check Test 2

How much can you remember?

Use these questions for reviewing your lesson.

In the space provided, mark the following statements “True” or “False.”

______   1. The important thing is to set goals for ourselves regardless of what they are.

______   2. God wants His desires to be our desires.

______   3. Our standards should be formed from our observations of other true Christians.

______   4. If we are to please God in His service, our heart must be in our work.

______   5. How a person feels in his heart is as important as how he acts.

______   6. Such emotions as guilt, jealousy, anger, and worry can cause physical disorders.

______   7. Love, joy, peace, patience and self-control are proper reactions to anger, anxiety, etc.

______   8. Good deeds done for a neighbor are valid if accompanied by appropriate desires
                  and feelings.

______   9. When we are at peace with our neighbors, our thinking will be wholesome.

______   10. Unfair, unexpected situations should be met with wholesome, positive feelings
                    and thoughts.

Click here to check your answers to these questions.

25413 Peace with Others

“So then we pursue the things which make for peace and
 the building up of one another.”  
—Romans 14:19 NASB

 A sense of being at peace with yourself is, in some measure, a by-product of a proper response on your part to the people in your life.

The emphasis in the first two lessons was upon you as a person as you live in your own private world. This lesson has to do with your relationships with others. A sense of being at peace with yourself is, in some measure, a by-product of a proper response on your part to the people in your life.

Outward Behavior

In the first lesson we called attention to the second great commandment, “LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF” (Matthew 22:39). Luke relates a similar incident in which a lawyer asked Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?” In answer, Jesus told of the good Samaritan. You can read this in Luke 10:30-36. A priest and a Levite passed by a wounded man who had been set upon by bandits and left for dead. Neither one stopped to give help. A despised Samaritan, however, did help him, binding up his wounds and paying for his lodging. Which of the three was neighbor to the wounded man? The answer is obvious as stated by the lawyer, “The one who showed mercy toward him.” Then Jesus said unto him, “Go and do the same” (Luke 10:37).

How different was the reaction of a man who tells of an incident that happened to him! As he was standing on the sidewalk, conversing with another man, an elderly woman staggered past.

She was obviously very drunk. The two men watched her weave her way down the sidewalk. A half-block away she leaned up against a car. Then the car drove away, causing her to fall into the street, where she lay in a drunken stupor. The man who told the story said he hurried to a nearby phone to call the police. Just as he was about to dial, he looked again and saw two men carrying the woman out of the street. The thought struck him immediately that these two were showing mercy. His own first reaction had been reluctance to help the unlovely, drunk, dirty woman but to get someone else to do it.

This man went his way with a sense of unworthiness. Why? Because he had not shown mercy toward someone in need. To have a sense of wholesomeness, we must respond to human need. It was Christ Himself who said, “For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many” (Mark 10:45).

To love your “neighbor as yourself” means to be sensitive to his needs. It means to be disposed to help him meet his needs as readily as you meet your own.

Observing the Golden Rule

Jesus gave us a rule of thumb to guide us in our relations with others when He said, “Treat others the same way you want them to treat you” (Luke 6:31). This verse is generally referred to as the golden rule.

A college girl was explaining why she was so unhappy. One reason was her relationship to her roommate. Her roommate’s curtains hung on the windows. She had the top drawer in the dresser. Her suitcase was easier to reach in the closet. Here was a college girl who was unhappy because her roommate had privileges that only one of them could have. She expected her roommate to be considerate, which is the reverse of the golden rule.

A man was complaining about the way things were going at home. His wife expected him to take her out for dinner more than he did; she wanted more household money; and there were other complaints. It was not that he could not afford to do these things. But he would not give her these things as long as she refused to carry her share of the marriage. She failed to keep his shirts washed the way he wanted them; she always forgot to put his vitamin capsule beside his plate at breakfast. Here, again, are two people who are losing the joy of fellowship because they are reversing the golden rule. Each person fails to give consideration to the other. You will note that the strained relations in both instances were caused by mere trifles.

On the other hand, there is the man who seems entirely unselfish. In his presence you find yourself telling him all about yourself. Whether he is fellowshipping with his wife, children, neighbors, guests, or the people in the church, he is always ministering. He is quick to open the door, to carry something for you, to give you something to read, to run an errand, to be of assistance generally. He is not above being helpful to his wife. I know of no one who thinks of this man as weak, or as one who is being imposed on. He very obviously enjoys serving others. When his name comes up in a conversation, it is used with respect and admiration, with the comment that there ought to be more people like him in the world.

What can you do for your husband, or wife, or children, or friends that you would like them to do for you? To ponder this question and take appropriate action is to live according to the golden rule. Our Lord said, “But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High; for He Himself is kind to ungrateful and evil men” (Luke 6:35, emphasis added).

Ministering to Spiritual and Material Needs

The Lord Jesus tells you that you are to minister to those who need help. You are to be concerned first about spiritual needs. Notice Paul’s concern for the spiritual needs of others:

“Brethren, my heart’s desire and my prayer to God for them is for their salvation” (Romans 10:1).

“Brethren, even if anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted” (Galatians 6:1).

You are also to be concerned about the material needs of people. In Matthew 25:31-46, Jesus described the day when all nations shall be gathered and separated as a shepherd divides his sheep from the goats. While this passage has a prophetic significance, it also has a practical, spiritual lesson for you. When you stand before “the judgment seat of Christ” to receive your reward, one criterion that will be used is your history of visiting those sick and in prison and giving them meat, drink, and clothing. This you are to do as unto the Lord.

Such service to others must be in combination with the proper attitude, as described by Paul: “And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing” (1 Corinthians 13:3). Paul then continues in verses 4-8 to describe a better attitude. Your generosity in giving material help to others will surely benefit them; but whether your deed will benefit you depends upon the spirit in which it is given.

Recently the author of this lesson was a speaker at a ministerial meeting. Afterward it was necessary for him to go to Midway Airport in Chicago. As he was calling a cab, a minister who was in attendance offered to take him to the airport. The ride took an hour through heavy traffic, and this man went far out of his way to do this favor. When he was thanked for this sacrificial deed, his reply was: “You needed transportation; I was able to meet your need, and happy to do so.” What a refreshing experience! We like to receive such generosity from others.

The time comes in everyone’s life, however, when he will be subject to evil treatment. What will your reaction be under such circumstances? To illustrate, a woman speaks of being neglected by her husband. He refused to share in the rearing of the children; he refused to go to church with her; he refused to supply adequate furniture for the house; he spent many nights away from home. In return she refused to cook breakfast for him, refused to visit his relatives, refused to entertain his friends. He agreed that all she said about him was true; but if she would not meet him part way in some of these differences, he would continue treating her as he had been doing. The wife insisted that it was up to him to make the first move.

Such a relationship develops when two people violate the principles of Christian living. Paul says:

“Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men. If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, “VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY,” says the Lord” (Romans 12:17-19).

Another woman tells of her life with her husband. He came home drunk night after night. At times he would beat her. They quarreled constantly over the training of their child. They quarreled over the use of the car. They quarreled over how to spend the money, over the type of entertainment, over religion. In a moment of remorse he would buy her jewelry and clothing as a peace offering, but in her anger, she would refuse to wear these things.

Over a period this woman saw her need of the Savior. She needed God’s strength if she was to have the attitude that Jesus taught one must have in a situation like hers. She cried out to God for strength to react as she should toward her husband. She ceased resisting him and did everything she could to please him. Soon she discovered that she enjoyed trying to please him and that she did it because she wanted to do it. Her husband’s behavior has not changed. She is not treating him well to change him but to be an example to him, so that he may see the reality of Christianity and desire it for himself.

Inward Reaction to Others

The woman in the last illustration is acting kindly toward her husband because she submits to the inner strength that God can give through faith in Christ. This is not to say that she does not want her husband to change his ways. She does this because, before God, she has a responsibility toward her husband regardless of his behavior. Peter tells of our Savior, “…and while being reviled, He did not revile in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously” (1 Peter 2:23).

Christian Love—A Test of Discipleship

In the upper room, following the last supper that Jesus was to have with His disciples, He gave them instruction in witnessing to others. His was a strange order. He said:

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13:34-35).

Love is not verbal. It is invisible. The emphasis that Jesus made is not on how you approach people who are strangers to you. The emphasis here is on your inner reaction to the people you do know, to the people who are close and intimate with you. A continuing, consistent, inner relationship with these people will manifest itself so that others will know of your discipleship. In other words, people will know of your discipleship according to your inner relationship toward your mother, father, wife or husband, your children, your in-laws, your relatives, neighbors, friends, and co-workers. Jesus repeated this thought in the garden of Gethsemane. Read John 17:20-23.

Christian Love—A Forgiving Spirit

An executive who had many men working for him resigned his position. As he was making the rounds, bidding farewell to all his associates, he came to an employee who was ready with a speech that went something like this: “I don’t like the way you treated the men; I don’t like your policies; I have disliked working for you the four years that you have been my boss. I’m glad to see you go. I despise you.”

The executive went back to his office and told an associate of the incident. He said:
“I can’t believe it. I’ve worked with that man for four years and didn’t know his attitude toward me.”

Eventually, poor relations between people will be revealed. In this case, the executive did not suffer; the employee did. For four long years that employee had lived a lie. He had pretended loyalty and friendship. Actually, he was disloyal and unfriendly. Likewise, it is the inner life that determines discipleship. Love toward your neighbor is not the same as tolerance. Love is being, not pretending or tolerating or acting.

The executive, of course, had been unaware of his employee’s attitude toward him. Once he became aware of that attitude, there was immediate, spontaneous, inner reaction. You, too, will have such an inner reaction toward the words or actions of others. It is said of the Lord Jesus that He was “kind to ungrateful and evil men” (Luke 6:35). We ought to follow His example.

Peter asked Jesus how he should react to the negative behavior of others, saying:

“Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven” (Matthew 18:21-22).

Once Christ was speaking to His disciples about dealing with those who might trespass against them. He said:

“If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times a day, and returns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ forgive him” (Luke 17:3-4).

When the disciples heard this, their response was the same as ours should be, “Lord, increase our faith.”

There are times when someone will approach you, asking you to forgive a trespass. There are also times when you will be subject to another kind of treatment as described by Peter, “For this finds favor, if for the sake of conscience toward God a person bears up under sorrows when suffering unjustly” (1 Peter 2:19; compare verses 19-25). There is no thought on the other person’s part of asking for forgiveness, or of ceasing the behavior that causes grief. An illustration is the woman mentioned at the beginning of this part of Lesson 3, dealing with inner reactions.

The Christian life gives promise of victory over the difficult circumstances of every day. When you have the inner resources that enable you both to forgive and to endure grief, you are surely living life on the highest plane.

The Lord Jesus said, “If you know these things, you are blessed if you do them” (John 13:17). We all want to be happy. We know these things. How can we do them? The next lesson will deal with steps that lead to the strength we need.

Study Assignment for Lesson 3

Spend at least ten minutes thinking about your relationships with other people. Ask yourself:

1. In what ways has my outward behavior been wrong?

2. In what ways are my inner reactions to other people pleasing to God?

Your study of Lesson 4 should help you understand the steps necessary for being at peace with yourself and with others.

Self-Check Test 3

Check up on yourself.

In the space provided, mark the following statements “True” or “False.”

______   1. To have a sense of wholesomeness, we must respond to the needs of others.

______   2. Strained relations often arise from very small causes.

______   3. Our first concern for other people should be about their material needs.

______   4. It is possible to minister to others in such a way that all benefit to ourselves is lost.

______   5. A person’s reaction to evil treatment is far more important than the evil treatment itself.

______   6. A person’s inward reaction to others depends entirely upon his own strength.

______   7. The real test of Christian love is how a person approaches people who are strangers to him.

______   8. True love toward an unfriendly neighbor is shown by manifesting a spirit of tolerance.

______   9. Continued negative behavior on the part of an acquaintance eventually calls for negative behavior in return.

______   10. The Christian life gives promise of victory over the difficult circumstances of every day!

Click here for the answers to these questions.

25414 Steps to Spiritual Strength

“…and do not go on presenting the members of your body to sin
as instruments of unrighteousness;
but present yourselves to God as those alive from the dead,
and your members as instruments of righteousness to God.”

—Romans 6:13, NASB

Just as you need your food and water supply daily, so also you need your supply of joy, peace, and other spiritual qualities daily. To understand this and to act accordingly is the key to a life that will enable you to love your neighbor as yourself and to do it consistently.

Lesson 4 presents a series of steps that will enable you to love your neighbor as yourself. These steps are as follows:

  1. Evaluation of your behavior
  2. Acceptance of your condition
  3. Forgiveness received from God
  4. Surrender to the power of God

It is assumed that the student of this course is a Christian. That is, he or she recognizes and accepts the truths set forth in Romans 3:19-28, Colossians 1:12-14, and John 3:16 that all have sinned and come short of the glory of God, and that the sinner is saved through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus.

Accordingly, this lesson, addressed to the Christian, seeks to show you how to take this series of steps to bring your life into continuous subjection to the will of God—to love your neighbor as yourself.

1. Evaluation of Your Behavior

Laws Need to Be Considered

Before you can solve a problem, you must first find out what the problem is. This is an orderly world. It operates according to definite, dependable laws.

For example, we take care to make allowance for the law of gravity. A dear, elderly gentleman put up a ladder to do some work on his roof, but he placed it so that it was crooked. When he climbed up the ladder, it began to slide. He fell and broke his hip. Here was a man, a devout Christian, who was careless about observing the law of gravity. He fell just as the worst criminal would have fallen if he had gone up that ladder.

We take the laws of friction into account. A student took a curve in the road too fast on an icy day. His car went end over end and he came out of the wreckage with a battered head. He had ignored the laws of friction. He did not do this intentionally. He was not deliberately reckless. Yet the same thing happened to him as would have happened to the most reckless of drivers.

All of us know the importance to our safety of abiding by the laws of gravity and friction. These laws have been gathered in books. As we study them, we learn what to expect if we abide by them and what to expect if we violate them.

The laws of human behavior are likewise gathered in a Book—the Bible. To understand why people behave as they do, to understand why you behave as you do, you must understand the laws contained in the Bible. The apostle says of the Bible:

“All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness; so that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work” (2 Timothy 3:16-17).

The cause of inner unrest, conflict between people, and separation from God is the violation of the laws found in the Bible. (See Isaiah 59:1-2; 1 John 1:6-7.) The violation of these laws is called sin. The Bible defines sin as “lawlessness.” “Everyone who practices sin also practices lawlessness; and sin is lawlessness” (1 John 3:4). Whether done deliberately or in ignorance, we reap the results of violating God’s laws just as we reap the result of violating the laws of friction or gravity.

To understand the cause of inner unrest, conflict with people, and separation from God is to understand the effect of sin. To understand God’s solution is to understand the preventives that keep us from sinning.

Now sin has two aspects: the tendency to sin and specific acts that are sin.

The tendency to sin is described by Paul:

“For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate. But if I do the very thing I do not want to do, I agree with the Law, confessing that the Law is good. So now, no longer am I the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not. For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want. But if I am doing the very thing I do not want, I am no longer the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me.

“I find then the principle that evil is present in me, the one who wants to do good. For I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man, but I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members” (Romans 7:15-23).

To illustrate, a student tells of this experience: Night after night, before he went to sleep, he determined that he would go through the next day with a wholesome, positive reaction toward circumstances and people. One morning he was particularly determined to have a good day. He left his room, raced for the elevator, and just as he got there the door closed, and he was forced to wait a few minutes. When he did get on the elevator, another passenger accidentally stepped on his foot. He walked away very conscious of being annoyed at both incidents despite his determination to react in a wholesome, kindly way toward all such happenings.

Again, a mother of two pre-school children tells of her struggle with her attitude toward her children. Two specific tasks that faced her daily caused her much annoyance. She hated herself for it, but no amount of determination, will power, or good intentions could give her control over her annoyance at feeding the children or changing diapers. It is granted that these are trying tasks. The point is that this woman was unable to achieve the desired attitude toward these tasks.

Every man finds himself sooner or later doing, saying, feeling, thinking in a way that is distasteful to him. Every man, sooner or later, finds himself not doing, saying, or feeling as he would like. This is the tendency to sin—something within you that is beyond your control. To recognize and accept this tendency within you is the first step toward a solution to the problem.

Specific acts that are sin.

The tendency to sin within you makes itself known to you by specific inner reactions or outward actions toward others. We use the Bible to identify these. Let us look at some of these passages: James 2:9; 4:17; 1 John 3:15; Proverbs 10:19; Ephesians 4:18-32; 2 Timothy 3:1-5; James 3:14-16; Matthew 5:43-48; Luke 17:3-4; Philippians 2:1-3.

Anger, bitterness, wrath, pride, and hate are inner reactions to circumstances. These are invisible and can be concealed. Any man who will compare himself with the Bible standard must declare himself a sinner, unable to eliminate from his life the inward reactions or outward responses toward others, undesirable to him and described in the Bible as sin.

We tend to overemphasize the value and importance of outward behavior and to minimize—or fail to realize—the emphasis, the importance, the value given in the Bible to inward behavior. It is impossible for another to see within you, and you are prone to hide even from yourself. James says, “But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your heart, do not be arrogant and so lie against the truth. This wisdom is not that which comes down from above, but is earthly, natural, demonic” (James 3:14-15, emphasis added).

Consider also the following passages: Matthew 5:8, 21, 22, 27, 28; 23:25-26; Mark 7:14-23; Luke 16:13-15; Acts 8:18-23; Romans 2:28-29; Ephesians 6:5-8; 1 Samuel 16:7; 2 Chronicles 16:9; Job 42:2; Psalm 34:18; 51:6-10; Proverbs 3:1; 23:7; Jeremiah 17:5; 29:11-13; Ezekiel 33:30-33; 1 Timothy 1:5; Matthew 18:35; 1 Thessalonians 2:3-4; Psalms 38:8; Jeremiah 9:8.

The Law of Life

To bring into sharper focus the meaning of sin and its terrible result to you, you should consider another important law —

“… the law of the spirit of life in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:2). “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law” (Galatians 5:22-23).

Consider also James 3:17-18; Ephesians 4:31-32; Luke 6:35-37. Again, these are inward, invisible qualities. You can act this way in your own strength, at least part of the time; but you can’t be this way without the power of the indwelling Holy Spirit. If you doubt it, just pay attention to your inner responses to people or circumstances for one week.

2. Acceptance of Your Condition

It is easy and common to find a reason outside of yourself that keeps you from loving your neighbor as yourself. It seems reasonable that missing an elevator, getting a toe stepped on, handling wet diapers, doing messy tasks with small children, living with a mother who can’t understand, associating with people who have undesirable habits, living with an uncooperative wife, are justifiable reasons for being disturbed. Under such circumstances anger, wrath, malice, bitterness, resentment, and the like seem normal.

This reasoning seems to be sound. However, the Bible calls such reactions sinful. In other words, these circumstances are not putting these reactions into you; they are bringing these reactions out of you. Note Mark 7:20-23.

Many people find this to be a shocking idea. It seems so clear that the circumstance or the other person is the cause of their distress. It is hard to realize that their distress is a response to the circumstance or person. Many say: “Do you mean that you would react differently? Anyone would be annoyed under these circumstances!”

The answer is that you can find peace and serenity without changing your circumstances or the people in your life. To do so involves recognizing that the situation you are in is not causing your distress. You must accept or acknowledge personal responsibility for your distress—for your sin. Note Romans 6:23; Isaiah 57:21; 59:1-2. You need a power outside yourself if you are to respond differently the next time you find yourself in your trying circumstance. You must accept personal responsibility without reservation. Dependence and faith in willpower, resolutions, insight, or determination are not the answer. A lingering thought that another person must be at least a little bit to blame is not the answer.

It is amazing how many people prefer to find a reason for justifying anger, wrath, malice, envy, and similar emotions rather than finding freedom from them. People prefer to change the circumstance or the person rather than to seek a source of peace, joy, and comfort in the circumstance or with the person.

For example, consider a young woman who had habits that her mother believed were bad. The mother kept insisting that her misery was caused by her daughter’s behavior. Accordingly, this mother felt quite clear in her own mind that the solution to her problem was to see a change in her daughter. Further, this woman believed that, being a Christian, she should not be agreeable toward her daughter lest she seem to be giving her blessing upon her daughter’s unacceptable habits. She was being a good Christian, she thought, by being angry and impatient with her daughter. The daughter in turn felt quite justified in being bitter, rebellious, hostile, and stubborn. She wouldn’t give in if it killed her. If there was a source of strength that would enable this girl to have a spirit of love, tenderness, gentleness, compassion toward her mother, she would turn away from it. She insisted that her mother was the cause of these reactions.

The woman who had the task of handling wet diapers and teaching two small children how to eat preferred to be annoyed. According to her, you should be annoyed at such tasks. There is nothing wrong with being impatient with such a task. It is quite normal to be disgusted, tense, and dissatisfied at the end of the day. The children are the cause of these reactions. In her opinion, being a Christian has no bearing on the matter.

Many Christians find comfort in speaking of nerves, tension, anxiety, distress—any term but sin. Many Christians feel that they have long ago settled the matter of living in sin. They are saved. They are sanctified. But remember our definition of sin! “Sin is lawlessness” (1 John 3:4). If it applies, then it applies. It matters not who you are, how much responsibility you have, what your status is, or who your family is.

You may have been trained to believe that to grin and bear it, even though you are seething inside, is evidence of piety; to speak in a well-modulated voice, even though you feel like screaming, is a mark of culture; to perform the task assigned, even though you rebel inwardly, is evidence of determination.

Such behavior is surely to be expected from a social standpoint. However, from a personal standpoint you benefit nothing. Your inward reaction is evidence of sinfulness. Jesus warned the Pharisees:

“Now you Pharisees clean the outside of the cup and of the platter; but inside of you, you are full of robbery and wickedness. You foolish ones, did not He who made the outside make the inside also?” (Luke 11:39-40).

You have seen that acceptance of your condition implies accepting personal responsibility without reservation. If you feel that you can and will conquer your circumstances, then you are not yet ready to accept the tendency to sin. It is best for you to try yourself out. Expose yourself to your circumstances and pay attention to your inner reactions and your outward actions. Acceptance means that you are convinced beyond the shadow of a doubt that you are subject to your tendency to sin, and that this causes you to react the way you do not want to react—and prevents you from reacting in a way that you would like to react. This applies to thoughts, feelings, desires, actions, speech. These must be identified in detail and dealt with separately. Acceptance or acknowledgment of the presence of sin in your life opens the way for you to avail yourself of a better way of life as defined by Paul:

“For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death” (Romans 8:2).

3. Forgiveness Received from God

Christ died to make forgiveness available to us: “In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace” (Ephesians 1:7).

Thus far you have seen that acceptance of your tendency to sin is often a difficult step to take. Seeking forgiveness is a more difficult step to take. At first glance this step seems easy. In practice, the arm of the flesh is a useful tool and not easily laid down. To illustrate, one wife is fearful that if she does not display jealousy, she will lose control over her husband’s affection. A mother is fearful that if she does not threaten to be angry with her children, she will lose control over their behavior. A young man does not want to give up the pleasure of lusting after women. A girl feels that to cease her rebellion against her parents is evidence of weakness. To acknowledge these reactions as sin is a step very difficult for many people to take. To seek forgiveness for sins is harder yet. To ask for forgiveness implies repentance and a willingness to forsake sins. Read 1 John 2:1-6; Isaiah 55:7; Proverbs 28:13.

Many people insist that a period of depression, self-condemnation, sadness, remorse, or weeping is evidence of repentance. In Quebec, one can see people climb five hundred cathedral steps on their knees as evidence of repentance. In India, a man may be lying on a bed of spikes. It is true that conviction of sin causes some people to react emotionally or to show evidence of repentance. However, repentance is not the emotion or the action. It is rather being sorry for sin enough to hate and forsake it. Repentance involves following God’s plan and believing His Word:

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9).

The simplicity of receiving forgiveness is hard to accept. It does seem that we ought to help God out somehow. Nothing is required of you apart from acceptance of your sinfulness and of God’s forgiveness on His terms, not yours. To repeat, this must be done from the heart. There is no other way. You must be completely sincere. You will not find forgiveness until you are convinced that you need it, that you are undone, that there is no other way.

Yes, acceptance of your tendency to sin, confession of specific sins, and seeking forgiveness are contrary to our normal way of doing things. But the next step—surrender to the power of God—is hardest of all to accept.

4. Surrender to the Power of God

At first glance, to submit to the strength and power of God is something that everyone would gladly do. As Paul expresses it, “Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God” (2 Corinthians 3:5). On the contrary, man rebels against accepting his weakness or insufficiency. However, even if you acknowledge failures of the past, you will not necessarily acknowledge your inability to please God in the future. Man tends to feel that since he understands the reason for past failures, he can now do better. He tends to seek the answer to his sinfulness in two ways—to repent for past sins and to retain confidence in himself not to repeat past sins. He tends to retain his faith in self-discipline, willpower, training, self-sacrifice, and the like.

The tendency is to treat people as they deserve to be treated, rather than as they should be treated. To surrender to God implies a lifetime study of His will for every detail of your life. It means recognizing your inability to do His will apart from His power and your need to submit to Him daily for His power. To quote Paul further:

“For God, who said, “Light shall shine out of darkness,” is the One who has shone in our hearts to give the Light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ. But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves” (2 Corinthians 4:6-7; compare also vv. 8-10).

Note three basic truths in these verses: (a) Christ is the treasure; (b) the earthen vessels are our bodies; (c) the excellency of the power is of God, and not of us. Therefore, this treasure is from God, and we experience the power of God in our lives as we recognize its source and submit to Him who gives it.

Yes, the power to please God comes from God. Paul says of the Lord Jesus:

“But by His doing you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, and righteousness and sanctification, and redemption, so that, just as it is written, ‘LET HIM WHO BOASTS, BOAST IN THE LORD.’” (1 Corinthians 1:30-31).

The apostle’s prayer for the Colossians was that they “will walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, to please Him in all respects, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; strengthened with all power, according to His glorious might, for the attaining of all steadfastness and patience; joyously” (Colossians 1:10-11). Note Romans 15:13; Job 34:29; Isaiah 32:17; 26:3; Philippians 3:9; 2 Corinthians 1:2-7.

Again, turning to Romans 7:24-8:4, we read:

“Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! …

“Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death. For what the Law could not do, weak as it was through the flesh, God did: sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and as an offering for sin, He condemned sin in the flesh, so that the requirement of the Law might be fulfilled in us, who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.”

To surrender to God is to seek His power in order to react to life as He would have you to—to want His comfort in tribulation (2 Corinthians 1:2-4) ; to “love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” (Matthew 5:44); to be “kind to ungrateful and evil men” (Luke 6:35).

One day the wife of a devout, dedicated young Christian man left him. There had been strains in the marriage, but this move surprised and hurt him. He was very unhappy over it. He lost interest in his business, had trouble sleeping, didn’t care what or when he ate, and was bitter toward his wife. His statement was that his first concern was to do God’s will. He would be most happy to see wherein he was out of God’s will.

It is God’s will that whatever we do, we do it heartily, as for the Lord (Colossians 3:23). Yet this young man was letting his business run down. It is God’s will that we go to Him for peace and comfort in all our tribulations. This man explained that it was hard to find comfort and peace in his circumstances. Is it too hard for God to give him peace and comfort? Granted that his wife had left him. Will not God provide comfort and peace under such circumstances? Is this too hard for God?

Here is a man who speaks in very general terms of surrendering his life to God, but he fails to bring the details and circumstances of his life to God. In a sense, he is dissatisfied with what God has allowed and doesn’t want to be happy.

To surrender to God involves both a crisis and a daily process. There needs to be a clear, definite yielding of one’s self completely to God, followed by day-by-day experience of that surrender. Note Paul’s word in Romans 6:13:

“… present yourselves to God as those alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God.”

And again, in Romans 12:1-2: “… present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice … [and] be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” What do these passages mean? Simply this: that we are to give ourselves—body, mind, and soul—unreservedly to God. This is a matter of the will. Are you willing? Then how is this to be accomplished?

Again, the Word of God is clear about this matter. It is by the work of the Holy Spirit. We must not only thank God for the indwelling of the Holy Spirit in our hearts (John 14:16-17; Romans 8:9), but we must heed the command of the Word that we are to be filled with the Spirit” (Ephesians 5:18, emphasis added). Here is the secret of God’s power—the Holy Spirit expressing Himself through us! He works in us only as we let Him. This is the very reason that Paul has said, “Yield yourselves unto God” (Romans 6:13). The yielded life is the life of peace and victory.

Now one further thought: the Holy Spirit is a Person—One of the Godhead (Acts 5:3-4; 2 Corinthians 13:14). As a Person, He can be grieved or pleased; rebuffed or obeyed; ignored or acknowledged. As one of God’s children, you are to be the vessel through whom He works. He will produce in you and through you His fruit—if you permit Him to do so.

A young woman was married to a man who refused to give her spending money. This disturbed her to the extent that she was always feeling sorry for herself and angry with her husband. She went to an older woman in the church who was known to be a calm, peaceful soul. The older woman said to the younger one: “Let me tell you my story. My husband keeps all the money. He rules me with an iron hand. I never can express my opinion. Now that the children are married, he gives all his time to them and has no room for me in his life. This has gone on for thirty years. It will probably go on as long as I live. All these years I have prayed daily for patience and every day God answers my prayer.”

Yes, to surrender to God is to bring each circumstance of life to Him and receive from Him the strength to face it by His Spirit. It is one thing to make a broad, thoughtless statement that you will submit to God, and another thing to surrender each detail of life to Him.

When you are impatient, you lack patience; when you are unhappy, you lack joy; when you are tense and anxious, you lack peace. You must continuously go to the Source of supply. Comfort, mercy, grace, peace, joy, patience, long-suffering with joyfulness will be yours only when you recognize that you lack them and when you let God give them to you.

Just as you need your food and water supply daily, so also you need your supply of joy, peace, and other spiritual qualities daily. Read Psalm 103:5; 2 Corinthians 4:16. Ten years from now you will still need to draw your strength and power from God just as you will need to eat food and drink water.

To understand this and to act accordingly is the key to a life that will enable you to love your neighbor as yourself and to do it consistently.

Study Assignment—Review Questions on Lesson 4

This assignment is intended to help you fully understand and remember what this lesson teaches.

  1. What are the four steps to spiritual strength? (Learn to recite these from memory.)
  2. What is the difference between the tendency to sin and the specific acts that are sin?
  3. What are some sinful inner reactions to others and why are they so significant?
  4. What does acceptance of your condition involve?
  5. How must God’s forgiveness be received?
  6. What is the practical outworking of a surrender to the power of God?

Consider your own life—your inward and outward reactions. Follow the four steps suggested in this lesson to experience peace and victory in your life.

Personal Evaluation Test 2

Check up on your progress.

Answer Yes or No in the space provided.

______   1. Do I help others even if I find it inconvenient?

______   2. Do I insist on having my own way?

______   3. Am I thoughtful for the well-being of those with whom I live?

______   4. Am I easily irritated?

______   5. Am I patient when people treat me unkindly?

______   6. Do I seethe inside when I am ill-treated?

______   7. Since the laws of human behavior are in the Bible, do I read God’s Word
                  regularly?

______   8. Do I think evil desire is less serious in God’s sight than open immorality?

______   9. Do I recognize within me a tendency to commit sin?

______   10. Do my circumstances discourage me?

______   11. Have I surrendered to God, seeking His power to overcome sin?

______   12. Do I try to justify myself when I have said or done something wrong?

 Click here to check your answers. 

Self-Check Test 4

Recall what you have learned.

In the space provided, mark the following statements “True” or “False.”

______   1. The Bible contains laws which will help you to understand your own behavior.

______   2. All conflict results from sin.

______   3. The tendency to sin is well within a person’s power to control.

______   4. Outward behavior is more important than inward behavior.

______   5. A person’s normal reaction against irritating circumstances, while often
                  normal, is just as often sinful.

______   6. Outward calm masking inward turmoil is evidence of piety.

______   7. Repentance can be equated with a sense of sorrow for sin.

______   8. God’s will can be done by Christians only with God’s enablement.

______   9. The Holy Spirit expressing Himself through us as we yield to Him is the
                   secret of God’s power for the believer.

______   10. It is less necessary to constantly look to God for spiritual enablement
                     once spiritual behavior becomes the normal habit of life.

Click here for the answers to these questions.

25415 The Husband’s Responsibilities

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church
and gave Himself up for her.”
 
—Ephesians 5:25, NASB

For a husband to love his wife as Christ loved the Church is to attain a high goal, for He came not to be served, but to serve.

In Section I, we stressed the fact that there are steps to spiritual strength which will enable you to live at peace with yourself and at peace with your fellow men.

The reason for including the first section in a course intended for parents is to show that it takes happy persons to make a happy partnership. Section II will show that it takes a happy partnership to create the climate for happy parenthood.

In this section, therefore, the material will point out some of the ingredients that go into making a happy partnership—into making a happy marriage. Lessons 5 and 6, although brief, deal with proper attitudes toward each other.

This lesson has to do with the attitude of the husband toward the marriage. Paul describes the ideal relationship between all Christians to “be subject to one another in the fear of Christ” (Ephesians 5:21). Then he goes on to describe the ideal relationship between husband and wife.

The Husbands’ Proper Role

According to this teaching of Paul, “the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body” (Ephesians 5:23).

“Give, and it will be given to you”

A certain man started his career by doing a routine job for a large utility company. He was a good worker; and when the time came for him to be promoted, his superior opposed it because he didn’t want to lose a good worker. The man in line for promotion learned through this experience that a superior who thinks only of himself can hinder the growth and progress people under him.

This good worker now supervises thirty engineers. He does everything he can to inspire them, to help them, to teach them. He promotes them within his own department as fast as possible. Other departments look to him for good men also. Because of his generosity, he is forever losing his best men and training new ones. However, his reward is great. He gets the best of cooperation from his men. They are loyal to him because he does his best to see that they are well taken care of. His experience reminds one of Christ’s words:

“Give, and it will be given to you. They will pour into your lap a good measure—pressed down, shaken together, and running over. For by your standard of measure it will be measured to you in return” (Luke 6:38).

It is such an attitude toward his family that a husband should have. He is “head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body.” Jesus said, “For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many” (Mark 10:45). Christ gave His life for the church.

Show “yourself to be an example of good deeds”

The husband who heads his family properly will seek to minister unto his wife. What can you do to be personally helpful to your wife? What can you provide for her that will make her tasks easier and happier? What can you do to be personally helpful to your children? What can you provide for them that will make their lot easier and happier? To be the head of the wife is to be dedicated to her best interests—to her happiness.

Several years ago, the dean of a college was the guest of a certain farmer whose son and daughter were students in the institution which he served. He rode with these young people to their home, along with two other students. It was a journey of four hundred miles. On the way the son and daughter spoke in the highest terms about their dad. They had great admiration for him as a father, as a husband, as a churchman, and as a citizen.

During the visit this man and his wife slept on cots in the basement so that the guests could have the best rooms in the house and in order that the children could use their rooms while they were at home. The next morning the son found that his father had washed his car for him. During the day, the daughter used her father’s car, while he used the truck. He helped his wife in the kitchen, to give her free time with the children while they were at home. The children helped him with the farm chores. They pitched in and helped with the housework. This was as wholesome a family atmosphere as it is possible to achieve.

Now this man was no slave. He was not browbeaten. He was not ordered around or imposed upon. He took the initiative in being a servant. He was greatly appreciated and respected by his wife and children. They were as ready to be helpful to him as he was to be helpful to them. He offered his services to them. They offered their services to him. People in the church and in the town reflected the attitude of his wife and children. He was a man who was looked to for leadership and service both in the church and in the community.

Here was a prosperous farmer. He was respected as a leader by his family, church, and community. Yet he was a willing servant, a man who was of a mind “not … to be served, but to serve.” One is reminded of Paul’s words to Titus “… in all things show yourself to be an example of good deeds …” (Titus 2:7). Submitting to this man was a privilege.

Abusing His Role

A young woman called her pastor to tell him that she was leaving her husband. She had endured all she could take from him. The pastor began to quote a verse to remind her of her responsibilities: “Wives, submit yourselves unto … ” (Ephesians 5: 22). He got no further. She screamed into the telephone: “I’ve been hearing that for months. I don’t want to hear it any more!” Her husband had used that verse as the basis for treating her as he pleased, without consideration for her. It is wrong for a husband to abuse his responsibility as head of the wife. This verse does not give him license to be inconsiderate, to be a tyrant or a selfish dictator.

Reminders from the Bible

Paul tells us, “But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man” (I Corinthians 11:3).

If we teach that the husband is the head of the wife, we must equally stress its counterpart, that Christ is the Head of the husband. If the husband follows after Christ, then his leadership of his wife must be like Christ’s leadership of man. Jesus said, “Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart …. ” (See Matthew 11:29; compare I Thessalonians 2:7-8.)

The husband should likewise exercise his leadership in this spirit. Many husbands have been taught that they should take leadership of the wife, but do so with a haughty, superior attitude—the opposite of meekness. They parade their rights and say, “Submit, wife.” This is a perversion of Bible teaching. To be the head of the wife is to look out for her best interests. The husband’s purpose for his wife should be the same as Christ’s purpose for the Church, “… that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish” (Ephesians 5: 27). Such leadership surely is not domination, or inconsiderateness, or slave-driving.

This is not to say that a husband should not hold standards, live by them, and see that his wife lives by them. Again, Jesus is the Example. He said to His disciples, “If ye love me, keep my commandments” (John 14:15) and “his commandments are not grievous” (1 John 5:3). Even as the Lord Jesus gives commands that are in the best interests of His followers, so the husband must at times give commands and make decisions in the best interests of the family.

To illustrate, a young couple stopped to visit some friends while returning home from a distant state. They intended to visit briefly and go on. Their friends invited them to stay for supper. The wife wanted to stay. The husband, thinking of responsibilities facing both of them the next day, turned down the invitation. The wife was unhappy about the decision. Later, as they arrived home at a reasonable hour and had a good rest, both agreed that his decision was best. Thus the husband who is following after the Lord, and therefore is living and thinking according to His will, should take leadership as the head of his wife, even in the face of resistance.

True leadership is a labor of love, as defined in I Corinthians 13:4-7. The Bible has some specific commands to the husband. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25). Men ought to love their wives as their own bodies, because they are joined by God into “one flesh” (Ephesians 5:28a, 31). The husband should live considerately with his wife, bestowing honor on her as “someone weaker” (I Peter 3:7). Men, therefore, must not be harsh or bitter with their wives but gentle, tender, and kind in every circumstance. (See Colossians 3:19.) Whenever a man falls short of this ideal, he transgresses the law of God, and that is sin. (See I John 3:4.)

For a husband to love his wife as Christ loved the Church is to attain a high goal, for He came not to be served, but to serve. A Christian husband ought not to have the attitude that he deserves service, but rather that he enjoys the privilege of serving. Christ also gave His life for His Church. Husbands, this is the responsibility and this is the charge that God gives to you. You are to be the kind of man that is dedicated to his wife and family, even unto death. You are to give yourself faithfully to seek their well-being.

If wives are to submit to the leadership of their husbands, every husband has the responsibility of being the kind of man that warrants submission. This is an appeal to your conscience. May you seek God’s grace to meet His standard. Be done with mere lip service to the commands of the faith, and seek to experience the reality of what the Word of God teaches about your daily life together.

The Lord Jesus said, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Paul said something very much like that, “So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself” (Ephesians 5:28).

Study Assignment for Lesson 5

1.  Look up all the Scripture references listed in the lesson and meditate on them.

2.  List any ideas that are new to you, which you have learned in this lesson.

3.  Review Lessons 1-4. Do this by glancing over the lesson outlines, study assignments, and tests. Look for important truths that you should be applying in your own life. Remember that in order to be a successful partner, you must first be at peace with God and before God.

Self-Check Test 5

Are you making progress?

In the space provided, mark the following statements “True” or “False.”

______   1. A husband’s headship over his family involves being personally helpful to his wife and children.

______   2. Headship sometimes involves being a servant.

______   3. A husband’s headship gives him the right to be dictatorial.

______   4. A father who washes dishes and changes diapers is obviously browbeaten.

______   5. A husband’s headship of the home is based on Christ’s headship of the husband.

______   6. The husband should be meek and humble in his family leadership.

______   7. God expects a wife to abide by the righteous standards of her husband.

______   8. Husband and wife must always agree jointly on a course of action to take.

______   9. A husband who is bitter and harsh with his wife is sinning against God.

______   10. A husband should be worthy of his wife’s submission to him.

Click here for the answers to these questions.

25411 Personal Peace (Part 1)

“In view of this, I also do my best to maintain always a blameless conscience
both before God and before men.”  
—Acts 24:16

To be the kind of spouse and parent you want to be, you must first be the kind of person you ought to be.

“I want to be the best parent that I can possibly be”—this is no doubt the heart cry of everyone who begins this course.  We say this, thinking back over a multitude of incidents that make up the history of our families. Some of them were funny when they happened; others were funny only as we looked back at them.  Still others were gravely serious.  Some were puzzling.

A family was entertaining an important guest at dinner. The youngest child, a happy-go-lucky, mischievous girl of four, addressed the guest, “Hey mister, pass the salt or I’ll get mad.” What do you do when this happens? Do you laugh or do you cry? Do you ignore it or do you make an issue of it?

Then there are the times when mother is certain that the children should wear jackets and dad is just as certain that mother is unreasonable.

Or there are times when the family is entertaining a family of missionaries who have just returned from five years on the field. The son has always been generous with his bicycle. Anyone could use it. To the parents’ consternation, the boy refuses to let any of the missionary children ride it.

On the other hand, you have the minister and his family over for dinner, and your three children who have been noisy and active all day long are “perfect angels” throughout the entire evening.

There are months on end when husband and wife get along beautifully; and then, out of the clear, blue sky, there are frequent disagreements. For weeks they suffer this way; and then, just as mysteriously, things clear up.

This is the ebb and flow, the fascination, the never-ending variety, the multitude of moods that make up family living. How can we do our part better? It is our prayer that this course will put you on the proper pathway.

To be the kind of parent you want to be, you must first be the kind of person you ought to be. To do so, you must:

  1. be willing to understand, appreciate, and use your strong points;
  2. be willing to identify your weaknesses with true humility, and seek to strengthen them; and
  3. aspire to be the kind of partner that will contribute your share to a mutually satisfactory marriage.

It is such experience that will allow you to enter the gates of parenthood and go on to build your wholesome personality into the lives of your children as you lead them to the Source of power that has been your strength, even God Himself.

You must first be the kind of person who has found a personal, inner peace. You must be at peace with yourself. The pathway to personal peace is clearly marked for you in the Bible.

To follow the teaching of the Bible is to become an adequate, peaceful person.

The First Step

A lawyer once asked the Lord to state a basic principle of wholesome living: “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” (Matthew 22:36). If you were to answer that question, which commandment would you select? We look eagerly for the Lord’s answer:

“And He said to him, ‘YOU SHALL LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART, AND WITH ALL YOUR SOUL, AND WITH ALL YOUR MIND.’ This is the great and foremost commandment. The second is like it, ‘YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF’” (verses 37-39).

Then the Lord Jesus added:

“On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets.” (verse 40).

“The great and foremost commandment” tells you to love God with all your heart, soul, and mind. To say the least, this means to love Him through and through. When two people are in love with each other, they delight in each other’s presence. They go out of the way to be with each other, to talk together, to please each other, to make each other happy. They do favors for each other, give gifts to each other, write to each other. They think about each other when apart, and long to be together forever and share in all details of their lives.

Accordingly, your love for God can be measured by the time you spend talking to Him in prayer, reading and meditating on His Word, seeking to please Him. Jesus said to His disciples:

“If you love Me, you will keep My commandments” (John 14:15).

And the apostle John wrote:

“…but whoever keeps His word, in him the love of God has truly been perfected. By this we know that we are in Him: the one who says he abides in Him ought himself to walk in the same manner as He walked” (1 John 2:5-6).

The first step in finding peace with yourself, then, is in declaring and demonstrating your love for God. This is the fulfillment of the first and great commandment.

The Second Step

Jesus said that the second great commandment is this: “YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.” (Matthew 22:39). Let us consider this commandment.

You should love your neighbor! Surely your closest neighbor is your marriage partner. How much are you to love this partner? “…as yourself”! This may be a difficult concept to grasp. Are we not to crucify self, to be abased, to lose our lives, to humble ourselves? By all means! Then what does it mean to “love yourself”? It means that in the quietness of your own soul there is a consciousness that your behavior is acceptable to God and, therefore, to yourself.

You can think about your behavior and say to yourself, “I believe God was pleased with what you said today, the tone of voice you used, the way you acted today, the desires that stole into your heart, the feelings that you had toward others, the thoughts that occupied your mind.” This is neither pride, nor conceit, nor selfishness. This is a wholesome spirit when combined with sincere repentance in times of failure, and a constant hunger to find strength for weakness. A healthy, wholesome regard for your inner life is a key that will enable you to love your neighbor.

In the first two lessons, we are to consider proper speech, proper actions, proper desires, proper feelings, and proper thoughts as the basis that will enable you to be at peace with yourself—to be properly adjusted personally—and to love your neighbor as yourself. Our real textbook will be the Bible.

How can we have peace with self?

Proper Speech

We use speech to communicate with the people in our lives. This is one way whereby others can know what is in our hearts. Paul asks the question: “For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the spirit of the man which is in him?” (1 Corinthians 2:11). No man knows what goes on within you unless you reveal it. Otherwise, he must guess, or attempt to “read between the lines.”

No matter how closely people are associated with you, or related to you, they cannot know clearly what goes on within you unless you communicate with them. To the extent that you reveal yourself to a person, to that extent he has a true picture of you. God said, “…man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7). Man is limited in what he can know about you—limited by what you will reveal. However, “The LORD looks at the heart.”

Knowing this, David prayed: “Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O LORD, my rock and my Redeemer” (Psalm 19:14). Again, David set proper speech as a goal for his life when he said: “I have purposed that my mouth will not transgress.” (Psalm 17:3).

Kind Words

How should we speak to one another? The story of Joseph provides us with a good example. His brothers, who despised him and determined to get rid of him, sold him into captivity. Joseph, however, achieved a place in Egypt second only to the king. When a time of famine came, he was given charge of distributing food. His brothers also had to go to him.

They were greatly concerned when they discovered Joseph’s identity. They went to him, asking for mercy. This was Joseph’s answer:

“‘Do not be afraid, for am I in God’s place? As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive. So therefore, do not be afraid; I will provide for you and your little ones.’ So he comforted them and spoke kindly to them” (Genesis 50:19-21).

Comforting, kindly words—backed by appropriate action, and based on Joseph’s faith in God, not on the behavior of his brothers—what a relief this must have been to them!

Children need to be reared in an atmosphere of kindly words. To illustrate, a small child had accidentally spilled her milk. She looked anxiously up at her mother, who quietly said, “You put your glass too close to your elbow, didn’t you?” One could see the relief on the child’s face because of the kindly treatment she received, because of the understanding words spoken by mother, who recognized that this was an accident. Her words were meant to teach the child how to avoid repetition of the accident, not to cause a scene.

Later that same evening, however, the same child was reluctant to go to bed. Quietly, but firmly, the mother said, “You are to go to bed!” The child still did not go, so mother took her by the arm and firmly directed her toward the bedroom. One could see the child stiffen, and then give in as mother continued, “You need a good night’s sleep.” One is reminded of the proverb: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1). This mother set the tone in her family by her soft answers that issued from a kind heart, again backed by appropriate action.

Biblical Emphasis

Pleasant words, kindly words, a soft answer, a wholesome tongue, simplicity, godly sincerity, gracious words, pleasing God with our words, sound speech—these are terms used in the Bible. (See, for example, Proverbs 15:4; II Corinthians 1:12; I Thessalonians 2:3-5; Titus 2:7-8.) Is it not obvious that such conversation is necessary if we are to have good relations with others?

A child was given to much screaming. The annoyed parent’s response was a scolding demand: “Stop screaming!” or, “You embarrass me the way you act!” He was screaming at the child to stop screaming. Without realizing it, he was providing the example for the child. Once he became aware of the power of his own example, and began speaking to the child as a gentleman should, he began making progress toward quieting the child.

On the negative side, the Bible cautions us to speak evil of no man, to put away a froward mouth (that is, “crooked speech”) and perverse lips, to refrain from whispering, flattery, lying, and tale-bearing. (See Titus 3:2; Proverbs 4:24; 16:28; 26:20, 28.) The truth of such verses as Proverbs 26:20 is obvious: “For lack of wood the fire goes out, and where there is no whisperer, contention quiets down.”

Recently a newspaper columnist reported a conversation with a taxi driver. He said he had just taken two women to a hotel. He had picked them up in the suburbs, and all the way to town they were talking about two other women who were to meet them in front of the hotel for a cup of tea. “If those two other women had been standing at the curb without a stitch on, I wouldn’t have been surprised,” he said. “My fares had stripped them down to their very souls during that ride.”

“Don’t misunderstand me,” one of the fares was saying. “I love Margaret, but …. ” After that, Margaret emerged as about the most despicable female since Lady Macbeth. The other fare said she knew all this and she, too, loved Margaret as well as Lynn, for whom she’d do almost anything in the world. “But,” she continued, “it stands to reason that Lynn can’t be any better than Margaret since the two are so thick, and everybody knows that birds of a feather flock together.”

When the cab reached the hotel, the two fares got out, rushed up to the two women standing under the marquee, hugged them, and squealed: “Darling, you look wonderful!” “Oh, what fun to see you again!” And there were more fond embraces.

How different such a conversation is from the standard that is set by Paul! “Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear” (Ephesians 4:29). Our goal, then, as Christians, is to avoid the kind of communication that does not edify, but to speak those words that are constructive. How could the two women in the cab benefit from their destructive criticism? In the privacy of each one’s soul there must have been a sense of unwholesomeness.

“Retain the standard of sound words which you have heard from me, in the faith and love which are in Christ Jesus” (2 Timothy 1:13; compare Proverbs 17:27-28; 2 Timothy 2:16; James 1:19).

One step toward inner peace and a sense of personal wholesomeness has been taken if you are able to review the day, knowing that your speech was acceptable to God because you have used words that edify and satisfy.

Proper Actions

Your love for God will influence your behavior. Paul says:

“Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father” (Colossians 3:17).

In the words of A. W. Tozer:

“We must offer all of our acts to God and believe that He accepts them, then hold firmly to that position, and keep insisting that every act of every hour of every day and night be included …. Let us practice the fine art of making every work a priestly ministration. Let us believe that God is in all of our simple deeds and learn to find Him there.”¹

Again, Paul says:

“Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance. It is the Lord Christ whom you serve” (Colossians 3:23-24).

How wonderful to enjoy what you are doing—to do it heartily—to do it as an act of worship! This should be true whether your work is at the desk, at the bench, in the shop, behind the pulpit, in the home. The poet has aptly put this thought into words:

Let me but do my work from day to day,
In field or forest, at the desk or loom,
In roaring market place or tranquil room;
Let me but find it in my heart to say,
When vagrant wishes beckon me astray,
“This is my work; my blessing, not my doom;
Of all who live, I am the one by whom
This work can best be done in the right way.”
Then shall I see it not too great, nor small,
To suit my spirit and to prove my powers;
Then shall I cheerful greet the laboring hours
And cheerful turn, when the long shadows fall
At eventide, to play and love and rest,
Because I know for me my work is best.
~HENRY VAN DYKE

If you are to have a wholesome estimate of yourself, you must give consideration to the quality of your actions. One important reason for this is that actions which fall short of your own standards will cause you unrest, anxiety, worry, and tension.

To illustrate, a fine, clean-cut young man approached his college dean. “Sir,” he said, obviously embarrassed, and speaking with great difficulty. “I have a confession to make. I must tell you my story because every time I see you coming toward me—every time you stop to talk to me—I think you have found out what I have done. I am tired of the suspense of hiding and want to make this confession.”

The young man had broken a rule that required students who had cars to have liability insurance if they transported other students. The dean had no knowledge of the violation of this rule, but the young man was reaping the harvest of improper actions—a bad conscience.

An Example to Others

Our behavior ought to be such that it can be imitated with profit by others. A goal for you might be one that Paul gave to Timothy: “Let no one look down on your youthfulness, but rather in speech, conduct, love, faith and purity, show yourself an example of those who believe” (1 Timothy 4:12). Then you can say with Paul, “Be imitators of me, just as I also am of Christ” (1 Corinthians 11:1).

What you do should stand up favorably under the scrutiny of others. Otherwise, your actions will cause you to be a stumbling block and will give you a sense of dissatisfaction with yourself. This is illustrated by a student in a seminary. The practical work director had summoned him to tell him of an opening for an assistant pastor. Before sending him to this assignment, however, the director wanted to clear up a rumor that this student had been seen doing something that was against the rules of the school. The latter denied the rumor and was given the assignment. A week later he returned to confess that the report was true. He had been in torment for a week. Even if it meant losing the opportunity, he wanted to set the record straight. He realized anew that to be an example to others he needed to follow Christ in his own life. This young man has gone on to have a fine ministry since his decision to “show yourself an example.” “Let the wicked forsake his way and the unrighteous man his thoughts; and let him return to the LORD, and He will have compassion on him, and to our God, for He will abundantly pardon” (Isaiah 55:7).

Personal Peace

A young man walked into the dean’s office to say that others were spreading the rumor that he had been seen in a tavern. He wanted the dean to know that this was not true. The next day he returned to say that he had lied, but that he had taken only one drink. A short time later the dean learned that this confession was incomplete. The student had taken several drinks and had danced as well. Both actions were against the rules. After some questioning, the student admitted that he had made only a partial confession. He was afraid to tell the truth for fear of the consequences.

One questionable act often leads one to commit another to cover up the first one. Many people suffer terrible pangs of conscience because of unwholesome acts. The following couplet expresses this thought well:

There is a secret in his breast
That will never let him rest.

How good it is to forsake your wicked ways—to repent—to be able to say with Paul:

 “The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you” (Philippians 4:9).

The following are newspaper accounts of people who found it necessary to correct improper actions:

Harry Jorgenson of South Dakota bought a dog for ten dollars. About a year later the pet disappeared. He made every effort to find it, with no success. More than twenty-five years passed. Then recently a car bearing a Nebraska license drove into the Jorgenson yard. The driver went to the house and said, “I am the fellow who took your dog many years ago. It has bothered me, and I want to pay for the animal.” He paid Mr. Jorgenson twenty-five dollars for the dog he had stolen nearly twenty-five years previously.

Harold Ashby, a Coca-Cola truck driver, received the following note at one of the places he served on his route: “Mr. Coca-Cola Man, my brother and I are very sorry that we took the Coke that was missing and we want to pay you.” In the envelope was cash to pay for the drinks.

Recently a large Detroit hotel received a small amount of cash in the mail. This note was attached: “Here’s a donation to help my conscience.”

One woman wrote to a hotel last year and asked to make restitution. She had taken a bedspread fifteen years previously. The souvenir still haunted her conscience.

These examples illustrate the importance of proper actions. You must live with yourself. Before you can live at peace with your neighbor, you must be at peace with yourself. 1 Corinthians 6:12 and 10:23 provide a standard for measuring the quality of your actions.

Every act of every day, every simple deed, is or is not an act of obedience to God. As you retire at night and meditate upon the day, you will realize that the quality of the multitude of deeds done that day will determine whether God could say to you, “Well done, good and faithful slave” (Matthew 25:21, 23). “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary.” (Galatians 6:9).

In this lesson we have considered two steps toward personal peace—proper speech and proper actions. Lesson 2 will continue this subject, dealing with proper desires, proper feelings, and proper thoughts.

¹Tozer, A. W., The Pursuit of God (Harrisburg, Pennsylvania: Christian Publications, Inc., 1948), p. 123.

Study Assignment for Lesson 1

Take your Bible and look up each Scripture verse referred to in Lesson 1. From these verses make a list of the characteristics you would like to show in your life. Make another list of the things that should not be a part of your life. Keep these lists before you as reminders for your words and actions and as helps in seeking the guidance of the Lord in being the right kind of person.

Self-Check Test 1

How much have you learned?

In the space provided, mark the following statements “True” or “False.”

______   1.  Good marriage partners recognize their weaknesses and try to strengthen them.

______   2.  The first step to true peace is found in loving God and in telling Him so.

______   3.  Proper speech and behavior contribute to personal peace.

______   4.  Gentle words are sufficient for enforcing proper discipline of children.

______   5.  Under certain conditions, destructive criticism is a legitimate form of conversation.

______   6.  A polite, pleasing conversation is necessary if we are to have good relations
                  with others.

______   7.  Anxiety, unrest and tension result from falling short of our own standards.

______   8.  Proper actions will eliminate a bad conscience.

______   9.  We must ignore criticisms others make of our actions to have personal peace.

______   10.  A person can live at peace with his neighbor even though he is at war with himself.

Click here to check your answers to these questions.