I have found that there is nothing that seems to affect our happiness more than our close relationships, specifically those of marriage and parenting. Your marriage partner is typically more intimately involved in your life than anyone else and your children usually run a close second. However, it is important to remember that how we choose to relate and react to these people is just as important as any other situation or relationship.
Marriage
The Bible tells us, “A man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24, NASB). This “one flesh” relationship requires a physical and emotional intimacy that reveals who we really are. As we interact with one another, our own inadequacies will reveal themselves. What we choose to do with our own failures will make all the difference in the success or failure of the relationship.
The Apostle Paul challenged the Colossians with these words:
Now is the time to get rid of anger, rage, malicious behavior, slander, and dirty language. Don’t lie to each other, for you have stripped off your old sinful nature and all its wicked deeds. Put on your new nature, and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become like him … Christ is all that matters, and he lives in all of us. Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. —Colossians 3:8–10, 12–13
Your personal character and the choices you make in how you treat your spouse will affect your self-respect, and ultimately, your happiness. I have discovered several key ingredients to having a happier marriage relationship: commitment, cooperation, and submission.
Commitment
As I travel around the country, I am appalled at the number of people who are walking away from their marriages and calling it quits. Granted, some of their spouses have worked hard to make life miserable for them. However, when an individual approaches their role in marriage as Christ did toward the church, then they are committed to the responsibility for caring for their relationship.
There may be a period of time—sometimes even years—when someone has no choice but to stand by a totally rebellious, obnoxious, rejecting, or unfaithful spouse, whose behavior is not worthy of their loyalty. However, their own happiness will remain intact if they retain the will to make it work, even though all their efforts are rejected, trusting in God’s plan and purpose.
This goes contrary to our society. I am not talking here about abuse or neglect, but a relationship in which one person is not living up to their God-given responsibilities. A commitment when you are in this type of relationship is difficult and can only be managed by drawing upon God’s resources of strength and patience.
Cooperation
The apostle Paul wrote,
I appeal to you, dear brothers and sisters, by the authority of our Lord Jesus Christ, to live in harmony with each other…. Rather, be of one mind, united in thought and purpose. —1 Corinthians 1:10
The will to cooperate is an important key to experiencing happiness in a marriage relationship. Competition between partners will always leave someone in the “losing” position. Cooperation implies that both the husband and wife make a decision to dedicate time and effort into developing a mutually agreeable way of life.
Regular formal or informal meetings need to be held to assign responsibilities and develop policies, procedures, and rules that both can live with within the family. These meetings can be held in the car, the kitchen, the living room, while you are out riding your bicycles together—anywhere. But, two attitudes must exist when you engage in these meetings: (1) you desire to serve your partner, and (2) you agree to be bound by the decisions made by the partnership.
Daily effort, constant examination, and frequent changes will need to happen in order to keep your relationship going strong. Many couples do not take the time to discuss the different things that affect their relationship, and soon, discord creeps in. Maintain an attitude of cooperation in your marriage, and work at making it happen—whether your partner does or not.
Submission
The book of Ephesians contains this instruction: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21). There is no relationship where this is more important than in marriage.
However, no matter how committed you are to submitting to one another, it is inevitable that sooner or later you will become deadlocked over some decision. This is when a very important principle comes into play: Someone must have the last word.
In a business, it’s the president. In sports, it’s the coach. In school, it’s the teacher or the principal. In a marriage, it’s the husband. The Bible tells us in the very next verse following “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ,”
For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. —Ephesians 5:22–24
This does not mean the husband can be a tyrant or a bully. The Bible also has instructions for the husband!
For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. —Ephesians 5:25–28
In all decision-making, the wife should participate vigorously and forthrightly in the search for a mutually agreeable solution. The husband should think twice, or more, before going against his wife’s judgment. If the wife still disagrees with her husband’s tie-breaking decision, she should say so. The husband has two options when there is an impasse: 1) make the decision himself, or 2) ask his wife to make it. Once done, both husband and wife submit to the decision and do all in their power to make it work.
Whether husband or wife, a spirit of submission builds self-respect and a happy marriage. On the other hand, a spirit of selfishness or rebellion will chip away at the stability of the relationship.
Your own sense of happiness will grow in your marriage relationship as you remain committed, seek cooperation, and practice submission.
Parenting
If marriage is a source of happiness or dissatisfaction, then surely parenting holds the same power. Children bring a great deal of joy and fun to our lives. However, if there is anger or any other negative emotion in your heart or mind, your children will likely have a way of bringing it out of you.
With your children in mind, consider this passage of scripture:
Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically. Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. —Romans 12:9–12
Guiding children is a long, hard, demanding responsibility. But so is any rewarding job. Expending the energy to interact with one another is part of living. Parenthood is minimally a twenty-year-long haul. That is a long time to love someone with genuine affection and to rejoice in confident hope! But when we put into practice the principles we have learned throughout this book, we will find that God can be trusted to empower us with his Holy Spirit to love and teach and be patient with our children.
The demands of a child will keep you constantly aware of your own spirit, your own diligence, your own sincerity, and your own choices. Just as with a marriage relationship, I have found that the happiness we experience in our parenting can be helped by a few key principles: parenting requires a partnership and parenting takes energy.
Parenting Requires a Partnership
Guiding children requires that parents not only work together to set expectations and limits for their children, they must also work together to administer them. Parenting often is a continuous, ongoing test of the marriage partnership. Not only must expectations and limits be clearly identified, as your children grow older, the expectations and limits need to be adjusted. All of this requires commitment and cooperation between parents. It is important to remember that choices in this area of your life can and will have a dramatic effect on your happiness. You must not let your children dictate your emotions.
Setting limits and dealing with inevitable resistance from your children is a real test of a marriage partnership. You are either cooperating or competing over setting the limits and how to supervise them. When parents are competitors, they will likely have two sets of expectations and limits—one set when mom is in charge, another set when dad is around.
The result? Bedlam. The children will begin to play one parent against the other. Or one of the parents will withdraw entirely from the discipline process.
Setting limits and dealing with inevitable resistance
from your children is a real test of a marriage partnership.
As a parent, you are trying to accomplish what you believe is worthwhile and in the best interests of your child. If you hold on to your convictions, you will have enough commitment to see it through. You will either enjoy the job or it will irritate you. You will either cooperate with your partner or you will compete. You will either diligently rise to the demands of the job or you will neglect it. You must choose.
Parenting Takes Energy
King Solomon wrote these wise words:
Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it. —Proverbs 22:6
It seems to me that many parents today are just hoping their children will end up on the right path. Parenting requires that you actually do something. The Bible tells us to “direct [our] children onto the right path.” Directing takes energy. Directing takes thought. Directing requires an investment of your time. Directing means that you must interact with your children throughout the day and in all types of circumstances. Interacting with people is tiring, and children can be more tiring that a friend. There are good days and there are bad days. One day you have happy children. Another day it seems they are grumpy all day long.
In my mind, parents often act as the referees in a family. The referees keep the game going smoothly. They are expected to call the plays according to the rules (expectations and limits); to be impartial, consistent, and cool-headed. Their job can be tough or easy on any given day. It depends on the mood of the players, their skill, the importance of the game, even the weather. Some days there are only a few close calls and a few penalties. Other days, there can be many close and debatable calls and many penalties.
The referees respond to the demands of the game. They are in on every play. The game requires more or less of their effort, but the rules don’t change. And refereeing doesn’t preclude personal fulfillment. It’s part of it. The referees don’t bemoan the fact that they are not spectators. They love the job.
Like refereeing, directing children can be a tough job or an easy job on any given day. It depends on the mood of the children, who they are with, the importance of the problems that present themselves, and, yes, even the weather.
Some days, all goes smoothly. No one is stepping over the limits or challenging the expectations. Other days you blow the whistle constantly and are called upon to make some debatable decisions.
Directing our children isn’t something that interferes with our personal life—it’s part of our life. The wholehearted parent doesn’t bemoan the job, he or she loves it, and in return receives a happiness that is indescribable. Parenting requires that we accept our role and the never-ending surprises and frustrations that are a part of it.
Unity
Your marriage and family will become a happy, mutually satisfying experience if both of you set your sights on unity, ministering and communicating with each other and your children in the proper spirit. I have found that husbands and wives can be drawn closer together through honestly sharing with each other their experiences, thoughts, desires, longings, plans, and weaknesses. They individually need to inform, challenge, and inspire one another. The apostle Paul said:
Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. —Ephesians 4:31–32
Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. —Philippians 4:8
Are you willing to get rid of your harsh words … and your harsh attitudes? Are you willing to fix your thoughts on what is true and admirable? God is waiting to empower you. Trust the Holy Spirit to enable you to be the spouse and parent that your family needs you to be!
Questions for Reflection/Discussion:
- As you consider your own marriage relationship, how are you doing in the areas of commitment, cooperation, and submission?
- Honestly evaluate your role as the family “referee.” In what ways are you doing a good job and in what ways do you need to change your approach?
- In what ways are you building unity within your family? What behaviors and words are you currently engaging in that actually are causing disunity in your family?
Memorize: Romans 12:9–12
Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically. Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying.