Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses. (Proverbs 27:6)
He who rebukes a man will in the end gain more favor than he who has a flattering tongue. (Proverbs 28:23)
Do not rebuke a mocker or he will hate you; rebuke a wise man and he will love you. (Proverbs 9:8)
Hollywood—and much of the entertainment industry—has a really seductive cultural practice. I call it “vain praise.” It sounds like this: “Hey, baby, you have what it takes to be a star.” “Oh, dahling, you look gorrrgeous.” “With your looks/body/talent, you’ll be a household name in no time.”
I attended a Hollywood funeral a few years ago and listened to the flattering palaver of about a dozen of the media elite, some of whom I knew really couldn’t stand the deceased. Even in death (especially in death?), they couldn’t tell the truth.
God explains a fascinating dynamic in the writings of King Solomon about the benefits of rebuke and the folly of flattery. The concept isn’t abstruse. It is based on the value of telling other people the truth (graciously) and not worrying about their feelings or the possible backlash. Scriptures actually feature well-motivated rebuke as essential to true friendship!
You read it above: “The wounds of a friend can be trusted.”
Principle: True friends will love you enough to scrub you down with truth, even when they know it stings. Your enemies will lather you up with the soft soap of what they think you want to hear.
This principle of “rebuke-willingness” is so thoroughly endorsed by King Solomon that he touts it as a long-term strategy to gain favor. Note in the second verse cited above, the emphasis is on the long term. In the short-term, loving rebuke can have really adverse effects, because the wisdom of the rebuke hasn’t had a chance to “play out” to its consequences.
When the wisdom of a rebuke has kept the friend from suffering the consequences of a wrong path, a destructive habit, or serious character weakness, he will be filled with gratitude and embrace you.
Principle: A relationship based on open truth is true friendship; one built on flattery is a con game.
Solomon does have one caveat in the rebuke principle. That is discerning whether the one needing the rebuke qualifies as a “fool” one who despises wisdom and instruction. In such a case, he cautions us not to give unwanted counsel, direction, correction, or rebuke, because, “He who rebukes a fool invites abuse” (Proverbs 9:7).
Principle: A loving rebuke requires running your hand along the wall of another’s soul and feeling for a crack to put the truth in; if there’s no crack, don’t bother throwing it at the wall.
So a phrase to memorize when confronted with rebuke or constructive criticism is, “Thank you for the helpful suggestion.” It will help you, if you let God use it in your life!
[from “Wisdom for the Trenches” by Dr. Larry W. Poland]