Getting out of the revolving-door syndrome
Have you ever thought about your ideal “type”—the kind of person to whom you are consistently attracted? Your description, no doubt, is somewhat lacking because type is a blend of conscious and subconscious qualities that you personally find appealing. It’s as much about feelings as it is about thought. This person just seems “right” to you; that one doesn’t. Words can’t adequately express the connection you sense.
If you want to have a healthy, positive, ideal soul-mate relationship, you need to have the right criteria for selecting your type of partner.
Focused on the Right Character Qualities
People are multifaceted beings with varying traits. You need to think about what character qualities you really want in a spouse. Does the current type of person you typically date excel in the areas you value most? If you want a soul mate who is God’s best for you, the criteria you use must coincide with his. You must be willing to take some time to consider the type of person you are attracted to and make adjustments in your value system if needed.
Every person has external and internal qualities. The externals are easily seen, but the inner qualities require careful observation over time. Unfortunately, many single people place too much emphasis on the superficial externals at the expense of the deeper qualities that really make relationships work.
When God sent the prophet Samuel to anoint a new king of Israel to replace Saul, God cautioned him, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7).
Physical characteristics, personality, and reputation relate to outward appearance. Character, purpose, and spiritual maturity reflect what’s in a person’s heart. The correct priorities, from the most important to least valuable, should be as follows.
- Spiritual maturity: Will you be able to love and follow Jesus together?
- Purpose for life: Is what you want from life compatible with the other person’s goals?
- Character qualities: Do his thoughts, words, and actions demonstrate integrity?
- Reputation: Do you like what others think and say about her?
- Personality type: Do you enjoy how he interacts with you and others?
- Physical appearance: Do you like the way she looks?
It would be great if a person scored a 10 on each characteristic, but that is unlikely and unrealistic. It’s vital that you give spiritual maturity, purpose and character close consideration. Spiritual maturity defines purpose and shapes character. Character establishes reputation and refines personality. Personality illuminates physical appearance. In the right sequence, we have the opportunity to really know and understand a person’s values.
When you think about past relationships you’ve had, arrange these six qualities in order of strongest to weakest for each one of those people. Do you see the same pattern repeated when you compare them? If so, this reveals the pattern of values and priorities you have used in your past decision-making. Do they reflect God’s desires?
Whenever any of us chooses something different from what God wants for us, the error of our ways is eventually uncovered, and we must live with the consequences of our choice. If you have had your share of bad relationships and you don’t want more disappointments, allow God to change your priorities. Otherwise, the pattern you have established will continue. If you want God’s best, follow his guidance and allow him to direct you to the type of person he wants you to establish a soul mate relationship with. After all, he is the One who designed you and is most committed to your well-being.
The above article is an abridged version of Chapter 14 of the book, Soul Mate by God (Download the free ebook in PDF). Visit SoulMatebyGod.com for more resources.