Living with yourself begins with self-respect, and self-respect includes having a good self-image. As you consider your self-respect, it is important to evaluate yourself in in five key areas: behavior, speech, reactions, thoughts, and goals.
Behavior. Think about what you have done this week. Some of your behavior has been commendable, sacrificial, far beyond the call of duty. However, some of your behavior may have been selfish, undisciplined, mean, or far less than your best.
Speech. Reflect upon some of the words you’ve used—words of praise, reassurance, encouragement, affirmation; helpful, constructive, supportive words. However, there were probably also some words of complaining, griping, and negativity, even lies.
Reactions. How you act and interact with others is observable and what you say can be heard. But the way you react to what’s been said and done is not as readily observable or audible. This is often the invisible, private part of your world. You may have responded to situations with love, joy, peace, gentleness, tenderness, or appreciation. On the other hand, you may be harboring in your heart hatred, bitterness, anger, rebellion, or envy.
Thoughts. Thoughts represent another private part of your world. No one can observe your thoughts. You can be thinking wholesome, positive, constructive, complimentary thoughts or your mind can be filled with negative, destructive, uncomplimentary thoughts—even if you look angelic.
Goals. The goals in your life are the desired outcomes you are striving to achieve. Are your goals positive and constructive or negative and destructive? We all have goals. Sometimes our goal is to not have goals.
Your self-respect is either built up or torn down by the choices you make. Each one of us is involved in a multitude of choices every day. Our self-respect often depends on the quality of our performance of the various tasks we work on throughout the day.
We do our best.
We don’t care.
We do it right.
We mess it up.
We do what is required.
We find a way to unnecessarily cut corners.
We follow instructions.
We do it our own way.
We give it all we’ve got.
We do it half-heartedly.
We keep our agreements.
We go back on our word.
Your self-respect is either built up or torn down
by the choices you make.
We make our choices day after day according to the personal principles that guide us. The Bible provides us with a central reference point. For the entirety of my counseling career I’ve never found its principles to be incorrect.
Two men came out of a mine shaft. One had a dirty face. The other man’s face was clean. The man with the clean face looked at his companion, concluded that his own face was also dirty, and left to wash his face.
The dirty-faced man didn’t wash his face. After seeing his friend’s clean face, he decided there was no need.
Both came up with the wrong conclusion because they had used each other as a reference point. What these men needed was a mirror; something outside of themselves that would give them a realistic, objective view of themselves.
We need a reference point as well, a mirror, a guidebook that is consistently accurate. It’s not enough to stand in front of a mirror and see what’s wrong. We need to take calm, corrective action. James 1:22–25 tells us:
Don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves. For if you listen to the word and don’t obey, it is like glancing at your face in a mirror. You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like. But if you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, and if you do what it says and don’t forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it.
How can it be said more clearly? Without action the information you have is not being used to your advantage. You must decide to start using God’s Word to make a difference in your life.
Biblical Guidelines
The Bible provides us with some guidelines to help us make choices, but the responsibility for our daily actions rests squarely on our own shoulders.
You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is good for you. You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is beneficial. —1 Corinthians 10:23
Remember, it is sin to know what you ought to do and then not do it. —James 4:17
And this righteousness will bring peace. Yes, it will bring quietness and confidence forever. —Isaiah 32:17
Every day of your life you are given the opportunity to make choices about what you will or will not do. Part of the fun in participating in athletics is the challenge of making quick, spontaneous decisions within the rules and boundaries of the game. Likewise, we experience pleasure when we make decision upon decision within the boundaries God gives us as found in his Word. Continuous, ongoing study of God’s Word with the intent to obey what we read and learn will lead to a life of happiness and joy. Living your life by God’s standards and principles will help you to choose behaviors, speech patterns, reactions, thoughts, and goals that bring contentment.
Here are just a few of Bible passages that I’ve memorized and that I apply to my life every day.
I have hidden your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you. —Psalm 119:11
I have more insight than my teachers, for I am always thinking of your laws. I am even wiser than my elders, for I have kept your commandments. I have refused to walk on any evil path, so that I may remain obedient to your word. —Psalm 119:99–101
Those who love your instructions have great peace and do not stumble. —Psalm 119:165
Oh, that you had listened to my commands! Then you would have had peace flowing like a gentle river and righteousness rolling over you like waves in the sea. —Isaiah 48:18
Study this Book of Instruction continually. Meditate on it day and night so you will be sure to obey everything written in it. Only then will you prosper and succeed in all you do. This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. —Joshua 1:8–9
Searching out God’s instruction will lead you into a lifetime study of the Bible. It will also guide you into behavior pleasing to God and will contribute to your self-respect. That’s worth a lifetime of study! Why not commit yourself to a lifetime of doing what is right? Just as people who are physically fit spend a lifetime learning fitness principles and following them, so contented people learn the principles that will enable them to build self-respect.
Ethan’s Tough Choice
Consider this example of how one man saw his self-respect grow by the choices he made.
Ethan came to me with a unique question. He was an expert amateur skier and was a very popular athlete—one of the favorites of the sportswriters. As a result, his picture and favorable write-ups appeared constantly in all of the media outlets across the country. Because of his popularity, a ski manufacturer was urging him to turn professional and to endorse their skis. This deal would mean his income would increase substantially.
His amateur team of course was urging him to keep his amateur status. He was the spark plug of the ski team. Ethan was torn between his loyalty to the team and the lure of the professional contract.
Finally, Ethan agreed to remain an amateur until after the last meet of the season, which would be held in the Rocky Mountains the first week of February, turning pro in time to race in the professional championships the third week of February.
Unfortunately, the first week of February there was not enough snow in the Rockies, so the national meet was moved to New Hampshire, but because of other meets already scheduled in that area, the date was changed to the third week of February. The amateur team insisted that the change in dates did not release him from his promise to them. But the ski manufacturer also had a promise from him. He got conflicting advice from attorneys and friends.
“What should I do?” he asked me. “My reputation means more to me than the money. It has never before failed to snow in the Rockies. What do you do when the weather crosses you up? I want to keep my word to the amateurs, but I also want to turn professional.”
There were no simple answers. We prayed together for wisdom. But, after prayer, the problem remained.
Making the right choice is not always easy.
Ethan realized he must take a step of faith. He chose to stay with the amateur team. His decision involved a great financial loss, but he was at peace with himself because as best he could determine, he was doing what was right.
As Ethan struggled through this experience I was reminded of the apostle Paul who said, “Those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit. So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up” (Galatians 6:8–9).
Making the right choice is not always easy. For Ethan, there was no obvious way to go. His choice had to be determined by the broad principles of God’s Word he was committed to following.
The Raspberry Patch
On the other hand, many choices are clearly right or wrong.
When I was a boy, our neighbor had a fine raspberry patch. My instructions were to stay out of that patch—unless permission was given by my parents and the people who owned the patch. One day I wandered past the patch. The berries were ripe, and there was no one around. I slipped into the patch and started eating the cool, juicy raspberries. What a pleasure!
Suddenly, there was a noise behind me. I turned around and was face to face with the owner, Mrs. Jackson. I was terrified. My heart pounded wildly and I began to sweat.
Desperately, I pleaded with her not to tell my mother. But she wouldn’t promise. Those delicious berries suddenly felt like a rock in my stomach as I headed away from the scene of the crime. For the rest of the day, a nagging question plagued my mind: Had she told my mother? I had a miserable afternoon.
This was a conscious, deliberate choice to do wrong. Now, I was suffering because of it. Soon, I heard my mother call, “Hennnn-rrrreeee!”
Did she know? Had the neighbor lady called her? What would happen to me? Filled with fear, I went into the house, expecting the worst. My mother was waiting for me.
“Henry …”
“Yes, mom.”
Scared to death. Here it comes.
“Henry, I need you to go to the store for me.”
What a relief! Maybe she didn’t know. But how could I tell?
At dinner, I was fidgety and nervous. Finally, my father said, “What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing’s wrong with me, Dad. Nothing at all. Nothing.”
I realized I had protested too much. I’m going to give myself away if I don’t calm down.
“Then, why aren’t you eating your dinner?”
“I am eating.”
I was eating, but the food gave me a sick feeling. I glanced nervously back and forth between my father and mother.
Finally, my mother said, “Henry, there is too something wrong with you.”
“Nothing’s wrong, Mom.”
I resisted the temptation to say it again, then got out of there as fast as I could.
It was a terrible evening. The frightening climax came when dad called up the stairs. Usually, when he called me, something was up. Again there was the same reaction within me—tension, sweating, and a pounding heart.
When I answered him, “It’s bedtime,” was all he said.
Whew. What a relief to disappear into my bedroom. But, it proved to be a most uncomfortable night.
The next day I was playing outside and, to my dismay, here came the lady who owned the raspberry patch. I ducked behind a corner of the house and spied on her as she approached.
She came closer. Closer. Closer.
Then, she went past the house. And on down the street.
Whew. Safe again. So it went for days of agonized misery. And I never did find out if she told my parents. But I was miserable for a long time.
Nervous, Anxious, Worried People
I’ve listened to countless stories in the counseling office of people who create similar tensions for themselves because of their own actions. No one knows their secret. But they know.
And that’s enough.
As a child I learned two lines of a poem by the English poet, Matthew Arnold:
There is a secret in his breast
That will never let him rest.
Your secret may not be that you are having an affair or stealing from your employer. It may be as simple as sneaking into a raspberry patch.
Telegram in the Night
Many years ago, I was the dean of men in a small college. One night, I had to deliver a telegram to one of the students in the men’s dormitory. Another student was standing in the hall, so I greeted him and went on to deliver the message.
On my way out, the same student approached me and said, “I need to talk to you. Do you have a few minutes?”
As we walked down the sidewalk, he blurted out, “I have a confession to make. Every time I see you coming toward me I think you have found out what I have done. I’m tired of the suspense of hiding, and I want to confess.”
He had repeatedly broken a college rule that required students who had cars to have liability insurance if they transported other students. He had no such insurance. Often, he would load his car with fellow students and take off. They often joked about how easy it was to put one over on the dean.
They were right. I had no idea this was going on.
Can you picture this student? I’d often stop him on the sidewalk and make small talk.
“How are you? … How is your car working? … Good-bye.”
Occasionally, I’d see him sitting on a bench with his girlfriend (who often went riding with him), so I’d wander over to visit a few minutes with both of them.
“It was bad enough when you stopped me on the sidewalk, but when you actually engaged me in a conversation, I got all tensed up.”
This is what the student had lived with. Then, suddenly this evening, the door had opened and there, framed in the doorway and coming right at him, was the dean of men. He figured I was after him, but I walked right past without much more than a word.
“It shook me up when you came in,” he said. “I just can’t stand it anymore.”
You don’t break God’s laws without paying
the price of inner tension.
He was the author of his own misery because of his own behavior, and it was chipping away at his self-respect.
This student is not unusual. Most of the people I talk to have done what they wanted to do if they wanted to do it bad enough—rules or no rules, promises or no promises, standards or no standards, commitments or no commitments.
When we do so, we must live with whatever tension goes with it—sometimes much and sometimes little. You don’t break God’s laws (disobey authority) without paying the personal price of inner tension.
The Burning Cigar
Some years ago, I taught a college-age Sunday school class. There was one young man in the class who often said, “I am very devoted to the Lord. Because my body is the Lord’s, I want to take care of it. I don’t stay up late, I’m careful what I eat, I exercise regularly, don’t drink, smoke, or chase women.”
The entire class listened—and nodded. “Good for you,” we would say with admiration.
Then, one day at an airport many miles from home, as I was approaching the terminal, I thought I saw this model student standing in front of the building.
Guess what?
He had a cigar in his mouth, puffing away as happy as could be. He didn’t notice me. Since I knew him quite well, I walked up to chat with him. Then he saw me—and did a very strange thing.
He stuck that cigar—still smoking—in his pocket!
He wasn’t very happy to see me.
It was a pitiful, yet amusing, sight. As we talked, the smoke began curling up from his pocket. He was one miserable young man.
We had a brief conversation and then he was in a hurry to be off.
What was wrong? He was the architect of his own misery. His conduct didn’t fit his words.
Obeying the Rules
Have you ever been driving on a freeway and suddenly spotted a state trooper cruising behind you?
Why is he following me?
You glance at your speedometer.
I’m only going 70.
Isn’t that a comfortable feeling? The relief of correct behavior.
Recently, I was riding in a friend’s car. We were in a hurry and couldn’t find a parking place, so he decided to take a chance on putting the car in a No Parking area.
Rarely have I done business so quickly. My friend was pressing me the entire time—and was very relieved to get back out on the street!
There are many signs that tell us what to do:
Please Wait Visitors Only No Parking Quiet Please Keep Off the Grass Turn Left
There is no end to the rules to be obeyed. Play within the rules, and you’re comfortable. Do otherwise, and you’re uncomfortable. Consider what the Bible has to say:
Pay careful attention to your own work, for then you will get the satisfaction of a job well done, and you won’t need to compare yourself to anyone else. —Galatians 6:4
Want to have no fear of authority? Do what is good and you will have praise of the same … if you do what is evil, be afraid … for … an avenger … brings wrath upon the one who practices evil. —Romans 13:3–4, NASB
If you follow the instruction of God’s Word, you will find your self-respect growing, and you will find that your happiness is growing because you like yourself and the choices you are making.
Questions for Reflection/Discussion:
- When you think about your own self-respect, which of the five key areas (behavior, speech, reactions, thoughts, and goals) most often trips you up?
- What are some of your life principles? What are some of the principles from God’s Word that guide you?
- What is one thing you have learned from this chapter that you can put into practice in your own life?
Memorize: Galatians 6:8–9
Those who live to please
the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit. So let’s not get tired of
doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing
if we don’t give up.