In his letter to the Ephesians, the apostle Paul explained that God has given the church various skilled people to help it grow up—like evangelists, pastors, and teachers. Because of their ministry, he reminded the Ephesians:
Then we will no longer be immature like children. We won’t be tossed and blown about by every wind of new teaching. We will not be influenced when people try to trick us with lies so clever they sound like the truth. Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church.
—Ephesians 4:14–15, emphasis added
Later in that same chapter, he stressed, “So stop telling lies. Let us tell our neighbors the truth, for we are all parts of the same body” (v. 25).
Deception has become commonplace in our world and we have become experts at rationalization, the process whereby we justify our conduct. This means we like to think we have good reasons for doing bad things. And so, we use the words “tact” or “diplomacy” to describe what is in reality “lying.” Obviously, we all need to be tactfully or diplomatically or lovingly honest. But when our tact and diplomacy are in deception, it is a sin. It is easy to convince oneself that to do right is wrong, and to do wrong is right. Isaiah wrote, “What sorrow for those who say that evil is good and good is evil, that dark is light and light is dark, that bitter is sweet and sweet is bitter” (Isaiah 5:20).
Deception has become commonplace in our world and we have become experts at rationalization.
Who has not faced the desire to do something he or she knows is not right, but still does it anyway? Here is an example many of us can relate to: exceeding the speed limit. “I’m late getting home and I don’t want my family to worry,” a speeding driver will say. It is a good enough excuse. But looking squarely at the facts, few persons would accept this reasoning as valid for breaking the law.
Many of us are at least vaguely aware of the inconsistencies in our lives. It is hard not to rationalize them. How difficult we find it to get down to reality and face conflicts, or to harmonize disagreements. We dislike being shown up, having our pride injured, or having our true selves exposed.
After the last of their children was married, Eric and Linda sought counseling for Linda’s incurable loneliness. As we looked into their story, we found more than a yearning to be with the children. Eric and Linda were at war with each other.
They had been unfriendly toward one another for years, having a long series of unresolved conflicts between them. Because they found no companionship with each other, Linda gave herself wholly to raising their children and Eric buried himself in his work. The children provided the buffer zone that allowed them to live fairly peaceably under one roof for a long time. In the children they found a way to tolerate each other. They rationalized their failure to resolve their conflicts: they each believed they were giving their all solely for the children.
Even when they sought help, they thought Linda’s problem was loneliness. Eric was very concerned. He said he would do anything to help her get over her loneliness.
Once they faced the real problem—their cold-war that could now no longer be ignored because the children as their buffer strip had been removed—they started to work on the solution. It was not easy. They had developed so strong a habit of camouflaging the truth that they needed a great amount of help in breaking out of their almost automatic pattern of self-deception.
As an example, for years Eric thought nothing of telephoning his wife to say that he had to take a customer out to dinner. The truth was, however, that he at times almost begged a customer to eat with him because he did not want to go home.
Rationalization often becomes a subtle habit of the inner life. Dishonesty and deception can in time become so easy to live with that we fool ourselves into believing whatever we want to believe.
Deceiving Ourselves
Renee was anxious and restless. She found it hard to concentrate. When she sat down, she could never relax, so she got up frequently to pace the floor, to get a drink of water, to check the time, to look out the window. Cordial and friendly though, Renee was the type of person who made you feel that in her you really had someone who cared about you and your problems.
“Give me a call anytime,” she would sing out cheerfully to everyone visiting her office. Or, “You’ve got to come over to my house and tell me more about it.”
Some persons took her up on her offers of hospitality. And there was the rub! Her friendliness was an act. She didn’t really mean for business associates to call her—let alone drop in at her home. She was just making conversation.
Whenever trapped, she always found a way of getting out.
“I would love to stop by some night,” a client would say in response to her invitation. “How about Thursday?”
“Sounds fine. But let me check my personal calendar and call you,” Renee would say. However, not for a minute did she intend to have this person take up her evening. The next day she would telephone the client to apologize.
“Sorry, but I’m scheduled to attend a meeting at school Thursday night. Let me contact you later.” But Renee had no intention of following up. Why did she invite people to call or visit her? It was the polite thing to do. Why did she then lie to the one she had invited? She did not want to hurt anyone’s feelings.
But occasionally Renee could not get out of her self-made trap. She would have to play the role of genial hostess to people she did not like. Her acting was superb, but she always felt intruded upon. What a distasteful way of life! Is there any wonder that she was an anxious, uneasy woman? The Bible describes this scenario well: “Bread gained by deceit is sweet to a man, but afterward his mouth will be full of gravel” (Proverbs 20:17).
Through rationalization it is possible to persuade yourself that an actual weakness of your character is a virtue.
Renee imagined herself a cordial and polite individual because she sounded like one. But she was covering up a basic dislike of people and had fooled even herself into thinking she was congenial. She needed to face the fact that her geniality was only a front. But to deceive even herself was easier than squaring up with the truth. Yet she could not get away with her duplicity.
Renee had to make up her mind what she wanted in life—whether to be around people or not. If she wanted to accept others, she would need a change of heart. Whatever her decision, if she was to be free of her anxiety, her behavior had to be changed to match the desire of her heart.
Justin experienced his failure to be honest in another way. A senior in college, he received word that he would not graduate because he failed two subjects. He came close to passing in both, but narrowly missed the needed grades. In both cases, the professors were known to be sticklers for utmost accuracy, allowing no leniency in their grading systems. Both were particularly hard on athletes—and Justin had played four years of football.
This was a simple retaliation, according to Justin. But the fact was that 95 percent of the students in these classes passed and Justin failed because he had neglected to study. He didn’t want to admit that he had seldom cracked a book and had taken his chances on passing or failing.
It is natural to dodge the truth and come up with an excuse that sounds reasonable. Through rationalization it is possible to persuade yourself that an actual weakness of your character is a virtue. A white-hot temper can become, in your thinking, an instrument to produce righteousness in others. A real difficulty can be regarded as a big joke. Good deeds can be a mask for an emotional appetite that thrives on praise. A spirit of revenge can be cast in the framework of a search for justice. You can make yourself appear better than you really are and by your effort mislead others.
Rationalization starts when you are unwilling to admit the unpleasant truth. Isabella and Jeremy, just out of high school, were very much in love. Their parents said they were too young to get married. Jeremy needed to get more schooling, and Isabella needed the maturation a job would bring. But the young couple saw the future differently.
Jeremy had a part-time job as a pizza delivery man. He didn’t make much money and didn’t even have regular hours, but the couple was convinced that somehow, they’d get along on his paycheck. So, despite the pleading of both sets of parents, they were married. They found a dingy house in a part of town that neither was used to living in, gathered up some odds and ends of furniture, and began life together.
Theirs would be the most romantic of marriages. They would rise from rags to riches. Then in their third month of marriage Isabella got pregnant.
How thrilled they were that soon they would be parents! But one day Jeremy came home after work to find Isabella crying. She actually had been crying most of the day. The dingy apartment depressed her.
Jeremy’s heart was touched. He decided to surprise her. The next day he ordered a new stove. As if by magic, Isabella was transformed into a radiant person. She enjoyed life again. But not for long.
The contrast between the new stove and the rest of the kitchen was too much for her to take. So Jeremy went out and ordered a complete makeover of the space with more new kitchen appliances. She became happy again—for a while.
When they came for counseling, they had a newly decorated home and all new furniture—and debts that had all but drowned them. And Jeremy had an unhappy wife again.
Both wanted to believe that their only problem was a matter of what their home looked like. On the basis of this rationalization they plunged in over their heads in debt. Their problem however, was much more involved.
Both were willful persons. They had paid no attention to the advice of their parents who had cautioned them not to enter marriage hastily. They simply were not able to afford marriage, but they had refused to look at this fact. They could not stand their tiny house on the wrong side of the tracks. Isabella resented her pregnancy. Jeremy despised her cooking, having assumed that all girls could cook as well as his mother and finding out that she was the one great exception. Neither Jeremy nor Isabella could even shop wisely. But they desperately sought to rationalize their problems by covering them with paint on the walls and new appliances.
Their unwillingness to recognize the root of their unhappiness and conflicts caused them to turn to self-deception, which led them into a new set of problems that was as frustrating as the old.
Both were basically selfish. When their wills coincided, there was no problem. But when Isabella wanted a nicer place to live and had to admit they could not afford it, she became difficult. Jeremy went into debt to avoid being the one to receive the brunt of her misery, but he resented having to do so. And all the time they told each other that if only their parents would stop nagging them and Jeremy could just make a little more money, they would be supremely happy.
Truth or Consequence
Deception violates a biblical standard. “The LORD detests lying lips, but he delights in those who tell the truth” (Proverbs 12:22). The word “detests” is a strong one. We can’t imagine that our heavenly Father actually hates it when we lie! The psalmist tells us, “May the LORD cut off their flattering lips and silence their boastful tongues” (Psalm 12:3) and Paul exhorts us to “speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church” (Ephesians 4:15). Truth is a rugged hill to climb. It is natural to deceive. It’s much harder to tell the truth.
But there are always consequences to our lying, either personally or relationally. Eventually our wrongs always catch up with us. The biblical standard of dealing only in truth is not designed to be a nuisance. Rationalization will thwart your progress in life. Truth is the pathway to peace.
Reflection Questions
- On a scale of 1–10, how important is it to you that you tell the truth? How important is it to you that others tell you the truth?
- When are the times in your life that you negatively use “tact” or “diplomacy” to actually get around telling the truth?
- In what situations do you most often find yourself not telling the truth.?
- In what area of your life do you need to be honest, even brutally honest, with yourself?
- What negative behaviors, relationships, or situations are you currently experiencing where you are actually rationalizing your behavior?
Take One Action Step
For the next week, pay close attention to your words and actions. When are you not being truthful? And what difference is it making in your life?