What goes on in your head is the most private part of your inner life. The longer I work with people, the more convinced I am that everyone can and does control his or her own mind. We make our own decisions, and no one can change them.
Power to Choose
Here are some areas in which you have the power to make choices:
Give an accurate report, inaccurate report, or no report when questioned.
Share all or part or nothing that is on your mind.
Obey or disobey.
Obey outwardly, but rebel inwardly.
Study or not.
What you choose to look at, positive or negative.
Who you will listen to, whether it involves people or media.
What you read.
Follow advice or ignore it.
Abide by the teaching you receive or have received in the past or reject it.
Make plans and carry them out, drop them, or change them.
Form personal opinions.
Forgive people or hold grudges.
Reveal or conceal your feelings and emotions.
Turn to God or away from him.
Everyone has the power of choice. Our choices reveal what is really going on in our mind.
In this age of information, computers, television, newspapers, books, magazines, movies, billboards, and advertisements in many forms bombard us daily with many choices. You are constantly exchanging information with your spouse, family, parents, relatives, friends, teachers, preachers, and others. What are you doing with this mass of data that bids for your attention? Remember, it’s your attention. It’s your mind.
There is no avoiding your responsibility. There are several options open to you.
First, you have considerable choice of what sources you will even consider. Are the sites you visit regularly on your computer positive or negative in their impact on your life? Does your reading material add a sense of peace to your life? Who in your life builds you up, who tears you down?
Second, once your mind is exposed to all of the information coming into it, you must decide what you are going to accept and what you are going to reject. No one can do this for you, it is your personal responsibility.
We must fill our mind with God’s Word.
We need a standard to go by. The Bible tells us, “‘My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,’ says the LORD. ‘And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine’” (Isaiah 55:8). Since our thoughts are not his thoughts, nor our ways his ways, we need to make a conscious, deliberate effort to know him. We must fill our mind with God’s Word in order to think straight—to develop a foundation for embracing acceptable ideas and filtering out the unacceptable ones.
King David, a man after God’s own heart, offers us these guidelines:
The instructions of the LORD are perfect,
reviving the soul.
The decrees of the LORD are trustworthy,
making wise the simple.
The commandments of the Lord are right,
bringing joy to the heart.
The commands of the LORD are clear,
giving insight for living.
Reverence for the LORD is pure,
lasting forever.
The laws of the LORD are true;
each one is fair.
They are more desirable than gold,
even the finest gold.
They are sweeter than honey,
even honey dripping from the comb.
They are a warning to your servant,
a great reward for those who obey them.How can I know all the sins lurking in my heart?
Cleanse me from these hidden faults.
Keep your servant from deliberate sins!
Don’t let them control me.
Then I will be free of guilt
and innocent of great sin.May the words of my mouth
and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing to you,
O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.
—Psalm 19:7–14
The godly offer good counsel;
they teach right from wrong.
They have made God’s law their own,
so they will never slip from his path.
—Psalm 37:30–31
Oh, how I love your instructions!
I think about them all day long.
Your commands make me wiser than my enemies,
for they are my constant guide.
Yes, I have more insight than my teachers,
for I am always thinking of your laws.
I am even wiser than my elders,
for I have kept your commandments.
I have refused to walk on any evil path,
so that I may remain obedient to your word.
I haven’t turned away from your regulations,
for you have taught me well.
—Psalm 119:97–102
King Solomon, David’s son, provides us with this wisdom:
Tune your ears to wisdom,
and concentrate on understanding.
Cry out for insight,
and ask for understanding.
Search for them as you would for silver;
seek them like hidden treasures.
Then you will understand what it means to fear the Lord,
and you will gain knowledge of God.
For the Lord grants wisdom!
From his mouth come knowledge and understanding.
He grants a treasure of common sense to the honest.
He is a shield to those who walk with integrity.
He guards the paths of the just
and protects those who are faithful to him.
—Proverbs 2:2–8
This is no simple path to follow. The management of your mind is a daily task. It involves continuous study of God’s Word, and no one can do it for you. The apostle Paul gives us some instructions that are attainable by anyone who is willing to be intentional. His advice demands a choice, and this choice must be renewed day by day.
Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. —Romans 12:2
Decision-Making
Every day of your life, you are called upon to not only to make your own decisions, but to also respond to decisions other people make that affect you. Many of our decisions involve responses to our life situations.
There are several Bible passages that can help us in our decision-making.
Don’t worry about the wicked
or envy those who do wrong.
For like grass, they soon fade away.
Like spring flowers, they soon wither.Trust in the Lord and do good.
Then you will live safely in the land and prosper.
Take delight in the Lord,
and he will give you your heart’s desires.Commit everything you do to the Lord.
Trust him, and he will help you.
He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn,
and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.Be still in the presence of the Lord,
and wait patiently for him to act.
Don’t worry about evil people who prosper
or fret about their wicked schemes.Stop being angry!
Turn from your rage!
Do not lose your temper—
it only leads to harm.
For the wicked will be destroyed,
but those who trust in the Lord will possess the land.
—Psalm 37:1–9
We can make our own plans,
but the LORD gives the right answer.People may be pure in their own eyes,
but the LORD examines their motives.Commit your actions to the LORD,
and your plans will succeed.
—Proverbs 16:1–3
And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.
—Romans 8:28
We see in these verses that we err if we try to evaluate the immediate outcome of a decision or event. We also see that the emphasis in these verses is not on the outcome of the decisions, but on the attitude of the decision maker.
Decision-making is a common subject for those who come to me for counseling. Many of my clients are anxious about a decision to be made or are disturbed and angry over the outcome of a decision or event that has already occurred, whether they participated in it or were only affected by it.
The Bible stresses the attitude of the decision-maker rather than evaluation of the immediate outcome of a decision or an event. It takes months and sometimes even years to see how all things work together. I have stood by many people who have gone through crisis times. Given time, things do work out.
Todd—Trusting God’s Plan and Purpose
Todd was in his early 50s when his wife died in a car accident. There is no way to explain such a tragedy. Todd was a man committed to trusting God, and his faith sustained him as he went through the process of building a new life.
Two years after his wife died, Todd accepted a job in another state. This meant selling his house, leasing an apartment in another state, and getting settled there. However, the job didn’t work out, and after struggling with it for two years, Todd finally submitted his resignation.
This development seemed like such a pointless event for a Christian who was committed to trusting God. His friends wondered why God was treating him this way. Todd went on trusting, insisting that God’s plans and purposes were being accomplished in his life.
The events of life are bittersweet.
They make sense only over the long haul.
He found a job in another city, which meant another move. As it turned out, the job was perfect for him and he found new fulfillment and joy in it. Better yet, he found a circle of Christian friends with whom he was more compatible than any group of friends he ever had.
Another unexpected event happened to Todd. A lovely Christian widow showed up seemingly out of nowhere. After a few months they announced their plans to get married. What a happy marriage it turned out to be!
Todd’s story is like thousands of others. The events of life are bittersweet. They make sense only over the long haul.
“Fix Your Thoughts”
The Bible tells us,
Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. —Philippians 4:6–8, emphasis added
To “fix our thoughts” requires that we choose to intentionally focus on God’s Word and on God’s way of living. We live in a tension-filled world. Violence, deception, fraud, and strained relations seem to be the norm rather than the exception. We are not a people who “think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” Because of this, we often experience negative difficulties in our lives.
The apostle Paul noted in his letter to the Romans,
Since they thought it foolish to acknowledge God, he abandoned them to their foolish thinking and let them do things that should never be done. Their lives became full of every kind of wickedness, sin, greed, hate, envy, murder, quarreling, deception, malicious behavior, and gossip. They are backstabbers, haters of God, insolent, proud, and boastful. They invent new ways of sinning, and they disobey their parents. They refuse to understand, break their promises, are heartless, and have no mercy. They know God’s justice requires that those who do these things deserve to die, yet they do them anyway. Worse yet, they encourage others to do them, too. —Romans 1:28–32
You can choose what you want to “fix your thoughts” on. You can experience the results of “foolish thinking” or you can choose to “think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” This is an important principle! What is in your mind directly affects your behavior. If you seek to please God with the use of your mind, you will be able to describe yourself with these words from Jeremiah:
This is what the Lord says:
“Don’t let the wise boast in their wisdom,
or the powerful boast in their power,
or the rich boast in their riches.
But those who wish to boast
should boast in this alone:
that they truly know me and understand that I am the Lord
who demonstrates unfailing love
and who brings justice and righteousness to the earth,
and that I delight in these things.”
—Jeremiah 9:23–24
Deception
An anxious, disgruntled young man—married only six months—came to see me about his marriage. He hated his wife’s hairstyle, cooking, housekeeping, and love-making. What was he doing about it?
“I haven’t the heart to tell her, Dr. Brandt. So I’ve been telling her what a good job she’s been doing in each of those areas.”
A very worried and tense young woman came to see me because her wedding date was two months away, and she couldn’t stand her fiancé. He was tied to his family, wasted his money, and spent a lot of time with his friends.
What was she doing about the problem? Nothing. Instead, she told him how much she loved and admired him and gave everyone the impression that she was thrilled about the upcoming marriage.
Another young woman came to see me because she disagreed constantly with her mother. What did she do about it? Obeyed outwardly and seethed with resentment inwardly.
Many of my clients appear to be radiantly happy when they come to my office, but before the session is over they reveal a bitter, hateful spirit. I have occasionally been in social gatherings also attended by individuals who come to see me for counseling. Some of the most bitter ones appeared the happiest people there.
Why? Because all of these people are prepared to do anything to avoid the disappointment, anger, or ill will of another person, even to the point of lying to and deceiving that other person.
Why? Because their sense of self-respect depends on the good will of the other person.
But a deceitful relationship is self-defeating. These people didn’t come to see me because the other person was dissatisfied. They came because they, themselves, were miserable.
People give a variety of reasons for practicing such deception. Some are:
1. My friend would hate me.
2. My mother would be upset.
3. My father would be angry.
4. My teacher would flunk me.
5. My boss would fire me.
6. My spouse would be hurt or surprised.
7. My church would ask me to leave.
When you misrepresent yourself to others—that is, when you lie and deceive others—for any reason, you violate an important principle found in the Old and New Testaments:
Do not deceive one another. —Leviticus 19:11, NIV
Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. —Ephesians 4:25, NIV
To deceive another is to chip away at your own self-respect, even though you receive praise and good will as a result.
In the New Testament we read:
The Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things! Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there. Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives. Let us not become conceited, or provoke one another, or be jealous of one another. —Galatians 5:22–26
Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control are the fruit of the Spirit. These qualities exist only in a person who draws upon them from God. You can direct them to other people only as you are rightly related to God and they can be directed toward you only if the other person is rightly related to God. Do not base your own sense of self-respect on the spiritual condition of another person. You build your own self-respect when your words, behavior, emotions, and mental activity line up with God’s commandments. Only you know what is going on in your mind. Whether bitterness or joy floods your soul is known only to you.
Like-Mindedness
The Bible says:
I appeal to you, dear brothers and sisters, by the authority of our Lord Jesus Christ, to live in harmony with each other. Let there be no divisions in the church. Rather, be of one mind, united in thought and purpose. —1 Corinthians 1:10
Is there any encouragement from belonging to Christ? Any comfort from his love? Any fellowship together in the Spirit? Are your hearts tender and compassionate? Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose. Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. —Philippians 2:1–4
Contained in the verses mentioned above is a description of the mental activity involved in maintaining fellowship:
harmony
no divisions
one mind
united
agreement
working together
humility
If your minds are not together, you are not together, even if you speak the same words and do the same things. To demonstrate, look at these simple illustrations:
| Eric | thinking | saying | Kim | thinking | saying | |
| Her hair is pretty. This food is delicious. | I like the way your hair looks Your cooking is great! |
Obviously, his mind agrees with his words. He is communicating honestly.
Here is another illustration:
| Eric | thinking | saying | Kim | thinking | saying | |
| I’m hungry. | I’m hungry. | I’m hungry, but I don’t want to cook. | So am I. Let’s go out to eat. | |||
| McDonald’s would be great. | Where do you want to go? | The Steak House! | Anywhere. | |||
| Let’s go to McDonald’s. | I don’t want to go there. How about the Steak House instead? | |||||
| I hate the Steak House! | Okay. | He’s agreed and I’m happy. | Great! |
Eric and Kim are both hungry and agree to go out to eat. She says she will go anywhere, but she doesn’t mean it and admits it. He agrees verbally to go to the Steak House, but he doesn’t tell Kim how he really feels about that specific restaurant. To that extent, he is deceiving her, and they are not like-minded.
What should he have done? He could have said, “I really don’t like the Steak House, but I will go since I know it is one of your favorites.”
Why is that so important? He is telling the truth, rather than deceiving her. Accommodating someone by not being honest about your own thoughts and feelings does not bring about like-mindedness. And the way we interact in seemingly unimportant situations sets the stage for more important circumstances.
Rachel’s Unhappiness
Rachel was known as a good neighbor, a happy wife, and a generous, considerate person who loved to go out of her way to be helpful. Sam was proud of his cheerful wife, who never fussed at him, even when he brought guests home on short notice.
However, Rachel was in my office for counseling and said, “I’m a very unhappy person and I came to find out why.”
As we talked, it became apparent that often times when Rachel said, “I’d be happy to entertain your guests,” she was actually thinking, “Oh, no, not again.” Or when people stopped in unexpectedly to visit she would say, “So glad you could come by,” she was actually feeling, “I hate it when people just stop by unexpectedly!”
Rachel was more concerned about appearing to be cheerful and generous than really being cheerful and generous. This intelligent woman didn’t realize the difference between acting and being real. And because of it she was carrying an invisible, but very heavy, burden of self-centeredness and deception that was making her miserable.
She called it neighborliness and accommodation. However, these verses describe her true heart and mind:
“The heart is hopelessly dark and deceitful, a puzzle that no one can figure out. But I, God, search the heart and examine the mind. I get to the heart of the human. I get to the root of things. I treat them as they really are, not as they pretend to be.” —Jeremiah 17:9–10, MSG
Rachel needed some direction. She needed someone to help her see that all her hard work was only producing personal misery. As we talked, Rachel saw where she was wrong and asked God to replace her selfish, deceitful spirit with his spirit of truth and service.
She went home and worked out a more realistic schedule with her husband and neighbors. This was not as easy as it sounds.
First, she had to admit to Sam that much of her friendly cooperation was just plain phoniness. He didn’t take it very well at first, but it was true, and he had to listen to her.
Second, they needed to negotiate a new plan. This wasn’t easy either. Sam was accustomed to Rachel’s agreeing with everything and he had to get used to contrary opinions coming from her. In the past, Sam could easily get his own opinion accepted with just a little bit of convincing, but now he frequently heard her say, “You haven’t changed my mind.”
Third, Rachel and Sam had to learn to settle deadlocks when their opinions differed. In such cases, one of them had to make the decision, and the other had to concede.
The good news is that Rachel and Sam were able to build a good marriage on the firm foundation of truth.
Getting There
When your minds are not together, you are not together. I recall meeting a man at a conference who was talked into attending against his will. He was there in body but not in mind and stayed in his room for the last day of meetings.
One woman told me how she despised the dress she was wearing. She hated the color, but her husband made her wear it.
A man bitterly sat in church every Sunday morning. He was there bodily to get his wife off his back, but his mind wasn’t there.
These people illustrate the struggle that goes on in our minds. If like-mindedness is the goal, this mental conflict must cease. I have found that there are four ways to come to a meeting of minds:
- Agreement
- Concession
- Compromise
- Acceptance of authority
Agreement: When two or more people decide to drive to New York next Tuesday and stay at a certain Holiday Inn for a week—and there are no mental reservations—this could be called an agreement.
Concession: If someone in the party prefers a Sheraton Inn, but finally agrees to the Holiday Inn, this is a concession—a healthy concession if the decision is made without any reservation or grudge.
Compromise: On the way to New York, the travelers take turns driving. One drives 50 mph, the other 70 mph. One’s speed is too slow to suit the other, and the other’s speed is too fast for his partner. So, they agree to both drive 60 mph. This is a compromise.
Acceptance of Authority: The travelers differ over how often to stop along the way and where to eat. Finally, they agree there must be a leader who has the last word, and one of them is chosen to be the leader.
The leader decides to give the traveling partner the responsibility for deciding where to eat. The leader will decide when to stop. This is accepting authority.
No person can separate feelings, thoughts, and actions as we have done in this book. This is especially true when differences of opinion arise. We all tend to want our own way, and our opinions will sooner or later collide with someone else’s. So, to work on being like-minded is a continuous process, and the process will depend on if we are being led by the Holy Spirit or by our own will.
The art of negotiation involves allowing our emotions and attitudes to be directed by what we have been pouring into our lives from God’s Word. Negotiating is productive and effective when we approach one another unselfishly, humbly, and keep the importance of the other person in mind. This is not an easy task!
When there is a difference of opinion and you are not walking in the Spirit, it is easy to lose sight of the importance of the other person and become preoccupied with the negative side of the person you are negotiating with.
The art of negotiation involves allowing our emotions and attitudes to be directed by what we have been pouring into our lives from God’s Word.
In pre-marriage counseling, I have observed that two people contemplating a life together can’t say enough good about the other person.
However, if they need to see me for marriage counseling five years later, they are no longer like-minded, all they can think of is what’s wrong with their partner. This negative way of thinking can take over whenever there is a clash of opinion, even though the good qualities of the opponent are still there.
The last sentence in the passage that began this section on like-mindedness reads:
Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.
—Philippians 2:4
Eva’s Curtains
My wife, Eva, and I once moved to a home which had a large picture window overlooking some water. Eva wanted curtains on the window, and I didn’t. She wanted the room to look “finished,” and I wanted a clear view of the water.
We discussed the issue back and forth. She said that everyone we knew had curtains on their windows, which I thought was a weak argument. I liked the openness of the room without the curtains and couldn’t see why we needed to spend money on something that was simply a decoration.
After everything that could be said on both sides was said, she still wanted curtains … and I didn’t. A decision had to be made. Since we had decided at the beginning of our marriage that I would be the head of the family, it was my decision.
The result? We ended up with curtains.
Why? Because I was wise enough to know that Eva spent more time in that home than I did. I wanted to please her, and she wanted curtains. Since it was only a matter of opinion, and considering her interests as well as mine, I realized that the curtains didn’t affect the view that much, so it just made sense to yield to her. That settled it.
The Mind of a Servant
You are someone with talent, ability, creativity, and training. You have power, influence, perhaps riches. You may be smarter than the people you interact with on a daily basis—your family, your coworkers, your acquaintances, your fellow church members. However, you have a responsibility to serve all of these people.
Paul wrote in the book of Philippians:
You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had. Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. Instead, he gave up his divine privileges; he took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being. When he appeared in human form, he humbled himself in obedience to God and died a criminal’s death on a cross. —Philippians 2:5–8
Such is the attitude of a servant toward whomever is served. Jesus was the Son of God, the creator of the universe. Yet, he gave himself fully to his task. He didn’t need to. He just surrendered himself.
I used to think of servants as people with lowly positions and low pay. When I was a boy my mother would take in washing for other families. I would deliver the washing to these huge homes with servants: maids, cooks, chauffeurs, gardeners.
However, now that I am an adult I know that physicians, teachers, counselors, lawyers, builders, and bankers are servants, too. They make a lot of money, but it’s not the pay that makes you a servant. It’s the giving of yourself totally to your task.
Then, calling the crowd to join his disciples, he [Jesus] said, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must give up your own way, take up your cross, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake and for the sake of the Good News, you will save it. And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul?” —Mark 8:34–36
We find ourselves by losing ourselves in accomplishing his purposes. This servant spirit is required if you are to be like-minded. You must give yourself totally and completely to the process with whomever you must cooperate. Training, ability, power, or wealth does not exempt you from making a continuous effort to maintain like-mindedness.
There may be rewards or there may not be. There may be appreciation or there may not be. A servant doesn’t perform services for rewards or appreciation. A servant serves in Jesus’ name and for his sake. A servant gives because they are a servant.
The management of your mind is your responsibility. No one can do it for you. If you use God’s Word as a standard for what you allow into your mind, and if you commit yourself to speaking the truth and to being like-minded with the people in your life, you will soon experience happiness and contentment like you have never known.
Questions for Reflection/Discussion:
- What are the positive things that you are allowing into your mind? What are the negative things?
- What steps do you need to take to eliminate the things that are affecting your mind in a negative way and embrace more positive things?
- What changes might occur in your life if you began to live out the principles of like-mindedness and being a servant?
Memorize: Philippians 4:6–8
Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.