65807 7. Are Your Feelings and Emotions Positive or Negative?

A friend of mine was the supervisor of summer volunteers for a mission organization. He shared this story with me that illustrates that how we respond to our life situations really does make all the difference in the world.

He assigned two couples to different areas of an island populated with disadvantaged people. Each couple was to establish a recreational program for the children and a Bible study program for the adults.

When my friend visited the island two weeks later to see how the work was progressing, he found the first couple disgusted, sullen, and depressed.

“We hate this place,” they said. “The children are wild and unmanageable, and they have lice in their hair. The adults are unfriendly. They come to our meetings an hour late or not at all. If they do show up, most of them sleep through the meeting. We hate the taste of the water and can’t stand living in this dump. We want out.”

Then the supervisor visited the second couple. When they opened the door, he was greeted warmly by two people whose faces were covered with soot.

“Come on in,” they said. “Our oil stove just exploded. A few minutes ago, everything was clean, and then … BANG! Just look at this mess. Come on in, you can help us clean it up,” they laughed.

As they worked on the cleanup, this couple described to their supervisor their experience with the island people. “We found out that when we tried to teach these people about love and responsibility and cleanliness, they didn’t know what we were talking about. The kids are wild, and the adults won’t cooperate, so we got mad at them. We stayed away from them for a few days and tried to justify our own nasty attitudes. Then, it dawned on us that we weren’t loving and responsible either—just clean. We remembered some verses about Jesus:

He came to his own people, and even they rejected him. —John 1:11

God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.—Romans 5:8

“We thanked God for showing us that we were not treating this people as Jesus would. We asked God to forgive us and give us a loving spirit. He did, and what a change. Now, we love it here. The kids still don’t participate in our program, and the adults ignore our Bible studies, but we keep at it and we love it here. It is a huge challenge, but God is filling our hearts with his love.”

Then the husband said, “Hey, do you want to go fishing? A week ago, I spotted some men getting into a boat, so I jumped in and asked to go along. They didn’t like it, but before the day was over, at least they weren’t ignoring me. Now, they even invite me to go along. They’ve taught me how to filet the fish and have showed me where the fishing holes are.”

It’s remarkable how differently people can respond to the same set of circumstances. Two couples, living in the same place with the same people, with sharply contrasting responses and attitudes.

Reactions

Your reactions come from what I like to refer to as your inner life. And the management of your inner life is, to me, the most important subject in this book because it directly influences your happiness. Every day you will either reveal or conceal your feelings, emotions, attitudes, intentions, and thoughts stimulated by the people and events in your life. And whether you reveal or conceal them, they are still there, coming from within you.

You can’t control what other people do around you. Neither can you control all the events of your day. However, you can control your reactions to the people and events around you. How you respond will either build up or chip away at your self-respect, depending on how you manage what goes on underneath your skin.

The management of your inner life directly influences
your happiness.

When psychologists write about the inner life, they often refer to pleasant and unpleasant feelings, or positive and negative emotions. There are two kinds of pleasant feelings and emotions.

The first type of pleasant feeling is a response to something highly pleasurable and satisfying, whether it be people or circumstances. We describe ourselves as excited, elated, thrilled, ecstatic, or exhilarated. This is a high state of emotional engagement. We experience bodily changes such as a pounding heart, increase in respiration rate, and/or muscle tension. Such responses can be experienced at an athletic event, a suspense movie, a concert, when anticipating some event, on the arrival of a special friend or relative, in the presence of someone special, or while participating in something challenging.

It takes a lot of energy to sustain emotion on this level and there comes a point when the excitement, pleasant as it is, must cease, or it becomes unpleasant.

The second type of positive emotion comes from an inner life that is calm, still, and quiet. Our muscles are relaxed and our heartbeat is normal. There is freedom from nervousness. We are experiencing peace.

Feeling happy today is not a sure test of whether your feelings and emotions are resting on a firm foundation. One can experience elation, pleasure, and joy over successfully cheating, stealing, lying, deceiving, having an affair, breaking the law, going through an ill-advised divorce, and treating others with cruelty and selfishness. In the long run, our good feelings must be based squarely on God’s Word or they will turn to ashes.

Negative Feelings and Emotions

When we experience unpleasant feelings and negative emotions we are often filled with tension, restlessness, anxiety, and frustration. Sometimes we experience physical symptoms such as tense muscles, a pounding heart, faulty digestion, and/or nervousness. All of this describes an inner condition that can be summed up in one word: misery.

The pace of modern-day living is unprecedented. We experience crisis upon crisis with unpredictable changes in people and circumstances. A common response to this pace is misery, a tension that invades the soul and even the nervous system. We can’t endure misery for very long. Something must be done about it. Peace must be restored.

There is general agreement among physicians, psychiatrists, psychologists, and ministers regarding the destructive behaviors that result from living life in absence of peace.

Dr. O. Spurgeon English, one of the first psychotherapists to write about the connections between mental and physical health was a practicing psychiatrist when he was appointed a professor of clinical psychiatry at Temple University. With Edward Weiss, who was also an M.D., he co-authored the book Psychosomatic Medicine, the first medical text to make the connection between stress and physical ailments, a book that is still available in hard cover copy. Later, he led a Temple Hospital department created to treat people suffering from depression or stress-induced illnesses. One of his colleagues described him as “one of the great American psychiatrists of the 20th century.” He frequently spoke out about the role of emotions in mental and physical health. His research was so foundational that it is still relative today.

Dr. English said there are certain emotional centers in the brain linked to the entire body through the autonomic nervous system. He described charges of emotions that are relays from the brain down the spinal cord and through the autonomic nerves to the blood vessels, muscle tissues, mucous membranes, and skin. He points out that under emotional stress all parts of the body can be subjected to physical discomfort.

You may be thinking, How can my thoughts and feelings cause pain in my body?

Dr. English explains that an emotion such as fear can cause the mouth to become dry. This means that the blood vessels have constricted and the blood supply and glandular activity have been reduced. This dryness will occur, for example, in someone who must make a speech and is afraid. Laboratory tests show that under stress of emotion the same decrease in glandular activity occurs in the mucous membrane and various parts of the digestive tract. Not only does the blood supply change markedly, but secretions of various types increase or decrease in an abnormal manner. Changes in muscle tone in the digestive region can occur, causing painful cramps.

It has also been proven that emotional stress will increase the size of the blood vessels in the head and this can produce pain because of the stretching of the tissues around the blood vessels and their pressure on the nerve endings.

Dr. English noted,

For decades, it has been known that a personality problem which cannot be solved by the mind itself is prone to be ‘turned over’ or ‘taken up’ by some other part of the body. When an irritating friend or a troublesome family member cannot be coped with, the patient becomes ‘sick,’ he can’t ‘stomach’ it. The physician knows that the cause of these gastrointestinal disturbances is emotional conflict. He knows it is the attitudes of generosity and responsibility struggling with an opposing wish to escape them.

Physician S.I. McMillen, a medical missionary to Africa, once said, “The moment I start hating a man, I become his slave. I can’t enjoy my work anymore because he controls my thoughts.”

Our negative feelings and emotions cause tension, anxiety, and frustration, and often misery. Here is a short list of some of them:

                           hatred                                          self-centeredness

                           resentment                                  ambition

                           anger                                            envy

                           frustration                                   jealousy

                           conceit                                         sorrow

                           shame                                          fear

These feelings and emotions are actually violations of God’s commandments and therefore, when they exist within in us, they chip away at our self-respect and ultimate happiness. Read these Bible verses carefully:

Don’t worry about the wicked or envy those who do wrong. —Psalm 37:1

Stop being angry! Turn from your rage! Do not lose your temper—it only leads to harm.
—Psalm 37:8

A peaceful heart leads to a healthy body; jealousy is like cancer in the bones.
—Proverbs 14:30

Control your temper, for anger labels you a fool. —Ecclesiastes 7:9

Let us not become conceited, or provoke one another, or be jealous of one another.
—Galatians 5:26

For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind. —James 3:16

Matt and Sara

Matt and Sara went on a skiing vacation. They arrived at their destination and when they checked in at their hotel were pleasantly surprised to find that they were able to change their reservation from a more expensive room to one that was cheaper. They had a terrific week with evenings spent around the fireplace after a day of skiing.

After their glorious week of skiing they went down to check out of the hotel—only to discover they had to pay the more expensive rate for their room. They argued, but the management stood firm. “You reserved a room at the expensive rate, so we’re charging you that rate whether you stayed in that room or not.”

Matt bitterly paid the more expensive rate and went muttering to the car. As they drove home, he fumed and fussed. Their entire week was ruined. Suddenly, neither he or Sara could find one positive thing to focus on about the whole week in spite of the fact it had been a perfect vacation until checkout time.

What had really ruined their wonderful week of skiing? The decision of the management? No. It was the couple’s reaction to the hotel’s business decision. They were filled with hateful, angry, bitter emotions that wiped out a beautiful experience.

Joe

Joe came to see me because his marriage had collapsed and he had lost his job. He was depressed and disillusioned.

It wasn’t like this a few years back. Joe, from a small town, had been recruited by a major university to play football. He didn’t expect to see a lot of play time but he loved the game. Then the regular fullback broke his ankle and Joe was picked at random to run some plays. To everyone’s surprise, he became the starter.

What followed were three years of weekly headlines, interviews, the roar of the crowd, and autograph seekers. He was allowed to choose easy courses, and his teachers gave him good grades for very little work.

Joe loved every minute of it. He was completely and happily taken up with the attention and popularity that was his, and before his senior year he married one of the cheerleaders.

After graduation, at age twenty-three, Joe was sobered to realize he was unprepared for any kind of work. His reputation as a football player got him into an executive training program, but he quickly dropped out for lack of basic knowledge. All he knew was football. When he was stripped of the glamour of being a star player, all he had left was a big body going soft.

Without any knowledge or skills, and a mismatched marriage, Joe suddenly had to face the fact that he had been on a glamorous road that had led to a dead end. Now, his life was empty. Three happy years of incredible popularity had turned to ashes, and he was miserable, bitter, and frustrated.

Ryan and Katie

Ryan and Katie met in college and soon after graduation they married. Ryan provided his family with a beautiful home and plenty of money while Katie had the privilege of staying home and volunteering for the kids’ activities and in the community. However, Ryan was constantly irritated with his children.

For instance, one evening, while the family was having a delicious dinner, one of the children refused to eat the peas on his plate. Ryan was determined that the child eat them. The child flatly refused, so his father threatened a punishment.

 Katie told him to stop pushing. Angrily, he continued to press the issue, finally taking away the child’s privileges for a week. Katie started a heated argument with him.

Finally, Ryan stormed out of the room, and the two of them ended up not speaking to each other for a week.

You would think that two college graduates could resolve such a simple issue. Ryan had no problem with Katie or his children when they did what he asked. And Katie was always agreeable as long as she got her own way.

When they came for counseling they both agreed that hostility and stubbornness over simple matters turned their lovely home into a battleground.

We often respond to the simple, normal details of life with emotions that are as intense as if we were facing a major crisis.

Experiencing Peace

Jesus once said to his disciples, “I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid” (John 14:27).

            There are two kinds of peace:

            1) the kind this world gives, and

            2) the kind Jesus gives.

This World’s Peace

Jesus said that in this world we can find peace, but he made it clear that it’s not his peace. In this world we can find release from our negative feelings and emotions in a variety of ways that initially do help us feel more peaceful.

Exercise: There are many recreational programs and activities available in many communities. Choose something you enjoy. Better yet, choose someone you enjoy being with to do it with you. Exercise is a proven way to release the stress in your life and help you feel more positive about your life situations.

Relaxation and Massage: There are many study courses offered by high schools, colleges, and professionals that teach us how to relax our muscles from head to toe. Therapeutic massage by a reputable, trained therapist also helps many people to experience relief from their anxiety and tension.

Quiet Activity: We can relax by reading, watching television, or listening to music. There are hundreds of table games available and an endless variety of hobbies.

Busyness: There is actually a kind of peace and joy that we experience as we volunteer, use our skills, meet people, attend meetings, travel, participate in civic or church work, or even pursue additional education.

Change: We can remove ourselves from certain people, change jobs, move to another location, or decide to no longer complete disagreeable tasks. There is private therapy and group therapy available that enables us to explore the mind and emotions. We can change our philosophy, our standards, and morals. Many people seek peace by living it up, asserting their independence, doing their own thing, or discovering themselves. This can be a dangerous path.

Chemicals: Unfortunately, we have become a pill-popping society. We can have prescribed to us a multitude of uppers and downers. Many people are actually addicted to hard drugs. A major source for calming us down is the use of alcohol. Although chemicals provide an avenue for experiencing peace, they must be used very carefully.

King Solomon, who is described in the Bible as the wisest and richest of men, wrote of his efforts to taste of everything life has to offer. He had inherited his kingdom and his wealth from his father, King David. He sampled wisdom, pleasure, wine, and folly. He built houses, vineyards, orchards, and gardens. He had wives and concubines, servants, and children. The book of Ecclesiastes contains twelve chapters describing his quest. He concluded:

But as I looked at everything I had worked so hard to accomplish, it was all so meaningless—like chasing the wind. There was nothing really worthwhile anywhere.
—Ecclesiastes 2:11

The activities and strategies available to us can help relieve the effects of unpleasant feelings and negative emotions but can’t remove them. Multitudes of retired people will testify to that. And although the world offers positive ways for us to find relief from our tension, the peace we experience is still only temporary. Sooner or later, all our efforts to find peace from this world turn to ashes. When we are trapped by circumstances and people, or when we take time to carefully reflect on our lives, the restlessness, anxiety, and frustration return.

Jesus’ Peace

There is a deeper kind of peace than the kind that simply relieves our body and mind. It comes when you yield yourself to God and let his peace invade your soul. Jesus said,

“I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me.”
—John 14:6

“Look! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends.” —Revelation 3:20

“Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” —Matthew 11:28–29

“I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow!” —John 15:11

“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”—John 16:33

The apostle Paul also points us to God’s peace:

I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. —Romans 15:13

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. —Philippians 4:6–7

We ask God to give you complete knowledge of his will and to give you spiritual wisdom and understanding. Then the way you live will always honor and please the Lord, and your lives will produce every kind of good fruit. All the while, you will grow as you learn to know God better and better. We also pray that you will be strengthened with all his glorious power so you will have all the endurance and patience you need. May you be filled with joy, always thanking the Father.—Colossians 1:9–12

The Old Testament reminds us:

Be still, and know that I am God! —Psalm 46:10

In order to experience this kind of peace we must begin a relationship with God through Jesus Christ. We must be “born again.” We must be born into the family of God.

There was a man named Nicodemus, a ruler of the Jews. This man came to Jesus one night and the two of them had the following conversation:

“Rabbi,” [Nicodemus] said, “we all know that God has sent you to teach us. Your miraculous signs are evidence that God is with you.”

Jesus replied, “I tell you the truth, unless you are born again, you cannot see the Kingdom of God.”

“What do you mean?” exclaimed Nicodemus. “How can an old man go back into his mother’s womb and be born again?”

Jesus replied, “I assure you, no one can enter the Kingdom of God without being born of water and the Spirit. Humans can reproduce only human life, but the Holy Spirit gives birth to spiritual life.” —John 3:2–6

Later in that same chapter of the Bible, Jesus said,

“For this is how God loved the world: He gavehis one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him.” —John 3:16–17

Many people stumble over the simplicity of this simple step. You are “born again,” or saved from your sin, when you believe in Jesus and ask him into your life. You have either taken this step or you have not.

 Recently, I proposed this step to one of my clients. He became extremely irritated.

“Don’t tell me God will help me,” he said. “I’ve asked God for help many times, and it doesn’t work.”

“When did you ask him to come into your life?” I asked.

“I’ve been a Christian all my life,” he said. “I grew up in church.”

I persisted. “When did you ask him to come into your life?”

 “I can’t remember,” he said.

This man was not answering my question. I asked if he remembered when he purchased his last car. That he could remember. He also admitted, when I asked, that he purchased the car by a specific action. He didn’t purchase it by simply thinking about it … or about its construction … or by considering all the standard equipment and special features of the car. Only when he agreed to the deal did he purchase the car. He definitely remembered that.

He also remembered exactly when he got married, when he purchased airplane tickets for his last flight, when he accepted his present job. All of these events had required specific action on his part.

Jesus is the way to God’s peace.

You are born again only when you ask Jesus to invade your life. Otherwise, it’s no deal. You must take this important step at some point in your life. Jesus is the way to God’s peace. To let him into your life gives you access to God’s resources of peace, joy, hope, and patience.

It is only when you take this step that you can put everything and everyone into his hands. You can stop striving and let his peace guard your heart, mind, and body.

Finding Peace in the Midst of Your Struggle

It does not follow that just because you have access to God’s peace that you will give him your troubles, conflicts, injustices, hate, hostility, and frustration. You can, but you can also nurture them within your mind.

Let me share with you a struggle that I went through even though Jesus was in my life.

During World War II, I was an engineer for a company responsible for designing some of the tools necessary for the production of vital airplane engines. We were under great pressure to get our work done and have it done right. There was a good deal of bickering and jealousy between all of us in my department.

My boss was a mean, tobacco-chewing, self-made individual who had worked himself up from the production line to chief engineer. There was a large window in the wall of his office facing the production floor, so that he could keep an eye on what was going on. We could also see him.

Inside his office was an odd arrangement. Beside his desk was a piece of rubber matting three feet in diameter. In the center of the mat sat a highly polished brass spittoon. I realize, of course, that this type of thing would never be permitted in a work environment today, but this was in the 1940s.

Frequently, we engineers would see the boss loading his jaw with tobacco. When he finished, his jaw looked like he had an apple in his cheek. When he started to chew, we all braced ourselves because we knew someone was in trouble. He would spit in the general direction of the spittoon (he seldom hit it) and shout someone’s name with all the ferocity of an Indian war cry:

“Brandt! Brraaaannnnnnddddddtt!”

I instantly became furious. One word from him and I was fighting mad. I hated him … and his messy, ugly spittoon. Of course, you don’t tell the boss off and so I developed the art of entering his office with a friendly smile on my face and talking to him in a cordial manner while hatefully seething within and contemplating punching him out.

Well, nobody can keep up an act like that twenty-four hours every day, so I when I got home from work I would take out my frustration on my wife and child at home.

“Turn down that music!” I shouted at my wife. I’d yell at our three-year-old for playing with his toys. I’d always be ashamed of myself and determine again and again not to talk and act like that. But it kept happening.

There were some very tense evenings in our home created by my negative feelings and emotions. I eventually dreaded going home because of the scene I might create there.

My conduct around my boss and family is clearly described in the Bible:

His words are as smooth as butter, but in his heart is war. His words are as soothing as lotion, but underneath are daggers! —Psalm 55:21

Laughter can conceal a heavy heart, but when the laughter ends, the grief remains.
—Proverbs 14:13

Short-tempered people do foolish things, and schemers are hated.—Proverbs 14:17

At the time, I had no knowledge of the Bible, so these verses were unknown to me. However, with my stomach in knots and my body in a constant state of tension, I had to do something. My choice was to seek a solution out of the Bible. My search led me to some disturbing verses. For example:

Don’t sin by letting anger control you. Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil. —Ephesians 4:26

Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. —Ephesians 4:31

What’s wrong with being angry and bitter and malicious toward my boss? I argued with myself. And, how can I turn off my anger at sundown? Besides, if he didn’t yell, and if my wife were more understanding of my stress at work, and if our child would behave, I wouldn’t be angry in the first place.

These verses struck me as unrealistic and unreasonable, and actually became the source of more tension. However, another verse was even more disturbing:

Be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. —Ephesians 4:32

I had no intention of being kind to my boss, or tenderhearted to my wife when she was indifferent to my problems. After all, I felt I was entitled to my grudges. But my misery continued. My whole body was tense.

I finally concluded that when my body was filled with tension and hostility and my mind was loaded with ugly thoughts, my inner condition surely wasn’t affecting my boss, my wife, or my child. They didn’t live underneath my skin. The Bible was right. To be kind, tender-hearted, and forgiving made sense. I would crank up my will power and determination and push the hate, anger, bitterness, and self-pity out of my body. What a relief that would be.

A few days later, however, came a bitter disappointment. The boss had finished loading his jaw with tobacco and was getting ready to spit. Somehow, I just knew my name would follow the spit and found myself tensing up. When he yelled, “Brrraaannnddt!” I was as furious as ever. This was disappointing and frustrating me. I was trying to live up to what the Bible said and couldn’t do it.

And I was still a growling tyrant around the house. I went through a period of time being bitter toward God and sputtering about the Bible. Here was a book that described a way of behaving that couldn’t be lived up to.

But I continued my search, and one day came upon some verses that gave me an answer and changed my whole inner life:

We are confident of all this because of our great trust in God through Christ. It is not that we think we are qualified to do anything on our own. Our qualification comes from God. He has enabled us to be ministers of his new covenant. This is a covenant not of written laws, but of the Spirit. The old written covenant ends in death; but under the new covenant, the Spirit gives life. —2 Corinthians 3:4–6

Those verses stopped me. I had a hard time understanding what they were saying. I was qualified! I had an education and a job. I had received promotions and made some good investments. I had married a beautiful wife and we lived in a beautiful home. All without God’s help, thank you very much.

After a few days of rejecting that passage, I reread it and noticed the final phrase: the Spirit gives life. Consider that thought. Anyone can obey the letter of the law, but it is the Holy Spirit that gives us life. I was responding to my boss in a positive manner outwardly, while at the same time rebelling inwardly.

Anyone can obey the letter of the law, but it is the Holy Spirit
that gives us life.

It was the rebellion I couldn’t take care of on my own. It was my hostility, anger, and hatred that I couldn’t eliminate from my life on my own. I could control my temper at home if I tried hard enough, but I couldn’t eliminate my resentment on my own. Living up to the letter of the law was killing me. I needed the Holy Spirit. That’s where my inadequacy was. This truth was like a shaft of light.

I asked God to fill me with the Holy Spirit’s life, to help me love my boss, my wife, and child—to keep my mind and my body quiet when things didn’t go right.

A few days later my boss was again loading his jaw with tobacco. He shot some at the spittoon and let out his war whoop: “Brrrraaaaannnnnddddtttt!”

I heard it, but I was quiet. This was unbelievable. I wasn’t angry.

My inner life matched my outward behavior for the first time. What a relief! My boss’s antics began to amuse me. I had a new spirit. God filled me with his peace—at work, at home, everywhere. My real relationship with God changed my life and even my profession. God would quiet my spirit whenever I let him.

Gradually, I learned to lean on God’s peace more and more. I’ve spent the last thirty-five years helping thousands of people find true peace by tapping into the Holy Spirit’s power. He is the one who gives us peace that can’t be influenced by people or circumstances.

Emily’s Headaches

I was sharing my story with a group of people recently at a conference. The next day, Emily came to tell me her story. She had had continuous headaches for several years. Medical tests and x-rays could not isolate the cause. Medication didn’t help. After listening to my story, she went to her room and told God how she hated the snake of a husband she had divorced several years ago.

As she was complaining to God, she realized she was only punishing herself by hating someone who was 3,000 miles away. She asked Jesus to come into her life and give her his Spirit and take the hate away.

She said to me, “This is the first day in several years that I have not had a headache.”

Four days later, she was still free from her headache.

Kathy’s Resentment

Kathy approached me about her husband. They had been married some twenty years. They were active in their church, he was even an elder. But he kept a bottle of vodka in his office and had already had too much to drink by the time he arrived home from the office at the end of the day. He demanded she prepare supper every night, even though his arrival time was unpredictable. He also expected her to sit with him to watch television every evening even though he only watched the sports channel and she had absolutely no interest in sports.

Now that their children were out of the house, this relationship had become unbearable. She had never complained to her husband, she said, but she was consumed with rebellion and resentment and anger. She couldn’t stand it much longer.

I pointed out to her that she had two problems. Her husband was obviously one of them. He was inconsiderate, selfish, and demanding. But her most serious problem was what went on underneath her skin.

“But I have served him faithfully,” she protested. It did appear that her behavior was beyond criticism. She doggedly was living up to the letter of the law. But, God’s Spirit was missing.

“My husband only thinks about himself.”

I hear this line of reasoning constantly. “My inner life is caused by the people or circumstances in my life. How else do you expect me to respond? Am I supposed to enjoy such treatment? Haven’t I put up with this long enough? Don’t I deserve some consideration, too?”

This dear woman was convinced that her inner life was in the hands of her husband. I challenged her to allow the Holy Spirit to invade her life. Several months later, I received a letter from her.

Nothing has changed in our marriage, but I am contented. I was so angry with you for what you said to me about myself—but you were right! Before that I hadn’t really recognized my own sin. God had to do work in my life. The process was difficult, but the result is beautiful. When you are submissive to the strong hand of God, he works in a powerful way. He has forgiven and cleansed and filled my heart with joy.

I praise Him for this mercy and grace. Once again, I want to say “thank you” from the depths of my heart.

Monica’s Rejection

This next letter came from Monica, a lovely young woman who experienced a nervous breakdown. When she came to see me for counseling, she was bitter and resentful. Her letter tells part of her story:

I told you my problem was not being invited to join the Junior League, and I really had a hang-up about this. I’d never been interested enough to do all the work required of a member and I refused to butter up the current League members, so I was not invited to join.

I was extremely disappointed. I’ve never felt as crushed or deeply hurt over anything. Most of my friends are members of this group, and I felt completely abandoned and rejected. I felt guilty that I let my family down.

I cried and cried over this for hours at a time. I felt that so many people could have helped me, and I got mad at them. You helped me to see that I was even mad at Almighty God.

Even though I have a Christian husband, a lovely family, and most every material thing I want, I was miserable. I had told God to just take my life.

I kept telling you my problem was getting left out of the Junior League, and you kept telling me my problem was my attitude toward what happened.

 After my second session with you, I asked God to give me his peace. I can’t tell you exactly how it happened. My situation remained the same, but God erased all the hurt feelings from me I literally felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

Then, I wondered if the peace would last. The Holy Spirit brought to my mind that part of John 14, where Jesus says: “My peace I give unto you. Not as the world gives give I unto you.” I’d always thought this verse was just for funerals!

It has been three years since I saw you and only a couple of times in those three years have I felt a little pang of the old hurt, but each time I immediately thank God for the peace he’s given me and he calms my inner self.

God has even changed my desires so that I honestly can’t imagine how I ever thought the Junior League was so important to me.

Andrew’s Temper

When Andrew first came to see me, he looked like a wild man, with sharp, piercing eyes. The muscles in his face were all tightened up, he drummed his fingers on the table, and he jerked his knee constantly. He was a hard, unyielding man. No one crossed him without getting a blast of his vicious temper. His big, strong, heavy-set body made him look dangerous indeed.

But underneath all that was a soul that longed for peace and a quiet heart. Oh, he argued with me for many months, but this man eventually allowed Jesus into his life. He now has a compassionate heart and is increasingly considerate of others. He let God come into his life and clean out that nastiness and replace it with peace.

Mark’s Anger

Mark is a brilliant engineer. But he didn’t come to see me because he had a sprawling home nestled in 200 acres of rolling hills, a jet plane, and a prosperous manufacturing plant that produced more money than he knew what to do with. He came because he was tired of being angry all the time. Everything irritated him and his disposition made life miserable for his family and employees.

Golf, tennis, good food, travel, and elite surroundings didn’t help him. He needed to be born again and allow Jesus to give him peace.

Mark didn’t want to believe he needed Jesus. But he had to reach out an empty hand and receive salvation like everyone else. He struggled a long time over this simple proposition, clinging to his insistence that business pressures were his problem. He was searching for a way to manage himself.

He finally gave in and reached out that empty hand to receive from God the gift freely given through Jesus. His life was miraculous changed. The Holy Spirit filled him with a new sense of joy and peace and purpose.

Allowing Jesus to Fill Us with His Peace

There is a common thread winding through all these stories. In each case, the person involved was responding to people or circumstances that were outside of themselves. Their reactions in each case were similar: anger, bitterness, stubbornness, rebellion, and/or hate which became intolerable.

In each situation, the idea that the people and circumstances involved were revealing rather than causing their reactions was firmly rejected. The possibility of becoming a loving, peaceful, joyful person without the people or circumstances changing was an unacceptable option for them. If nothing changed, they preferred to be mad and miserable rather than happy and peaceful.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Jesus, who knows all about us, said,

God’s light came into the world, but people loved the darkness more than the light, for their actions were evil. All who do evil hate the light and refuse to go near it for fear their sins will be exposed. But those who do what is right come to the light so others can see that they are doing what God wants. —John 3:19–21

The prophet Jeremiah gives us another glimpse of the human heart:

The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is? But I, the LORD, search all hearts and examine secret motives. I give all people their due rewards, according to what their actions deserve. —Jeremiah 17:9–10

There it is. In the deepest part of us, we are wicked. We are at least vaguely aware of our evil inner life, but we hate to admit it. We tend to turn away from such light. And the more brilliant we think we are, the more capable we are of coming up with endless varieties of ways to justify our attitudes and behavior.

However, there is hope! When we finally quit running, the Lord will search our hearts, show us our evil ways, clean us up, and fill us with his power. We can experience happiness and peace! Nevertheless, God’s peace requires a continual drawing upon his resources. We need to draw upon the wisdom of God’s Word and allow the Holy Spirit to empower us to live a life of peace and contentment.

Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.—Colossians 3:12–13

And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful.—Colossians 3:15

Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.
—1 Thessalonians 5:18

The wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and the fruit of good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. —James 3:17

Of course, you get no credit for being patient if you are beaten for doing wrong. But if you suffer for doing good and endure it patiently, God is pleased with you.—1 Peter 2:20

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! —1 Corinthians 13:4–8

Take a close look at the qualities contained in these verses:

kindness                                tenderhearted mercy

peace                                      thankful

forgiving                                sincerity

holiness                                 enduring

humility                                 not irritable

gentleness                             not jealous

patience                                 wisdom

loving                                     not boastful

hope                                       willing to yield to others

peace loving                          rejoicing in truth

The more you seek after God’s peace, the more you will experience the happiness and contentment that only he can give.

Questions for Reflection/Discussion:

  1. What are some of the negative emotions and feelings that are controlling your life? After reading this chapter, what is one step you can take with the Holy Spirit’s help to overcome them?
  2. What are some of this world’s solutions that you have found give you peace?
  3. Is there a situation in your life that you need to allow God to change your perspective? Take time to pray and ask for his strength and power to release your negative response to this situation and to be filled with his peace.

Memorize: Colossians 3:12–13

Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.