65805 5. Living with Others

We just discussed the importance of living with yourself. However, your behavior with and toward others is just as important in building self-respect. And I have discovered that our interactions with other people often reveal unexpected, self-centered behavior.

My Trip with a Good Friend

Several years ago, a mission organization executive for whom I had worked many years as a consultant invited me to take a tour with him. We were good friends. After a year of planning, we met in Switzerland to begin a journey that would take us around the world.

We met in the airport lobby and proceeded to the security screening area. Since I was the executive’s consultant and wanted to be “cooperative and agreeable,” it seemed reasonable to suggest that he go first.

“No, you go first,” he replied.

“No, you go first,” I insisted.

Finally, I reluctantly gave in and went through the metal detector first.

Our interactions with other people often reveal unexpected,
self-centered behavior.

When our flight was called, we gathered up our carry-on luggage and approached the entry to the jet bridge. As we were walking toward the entrance, I thought, So help me, he is going in first.

I said to him, “You go first.”
He came back with, “No, you go first.”
We were stymied at the doorway!
Finally, he gave in and entered first. I felt better.

We got inside the plane, and there were two seats. Even though we had seat assignments, the question still was, Who gets to sit by the window?

I wanted that seat and figured that if I offered it to him first, he would refuse and I could get it. Sure enough that’s what happened.

“Why don’t you take the window seat?” I said to him.
“No, you take the window seat,” he answered.
Pretending reluctance, I “gave in” and took it.

I’m sure the people around us were frustrated as they waited for us to play this game.

This gentleman and I were friends. There was respect, admiration, and good will between us. We liked each other. He had a Th.D. degree, and I had a Ph.D. degree. That’s a lot going for a relationship, isn’t it? How much education and friendship does it take for two men to get along smoothly? And yet, we had three problems before we even sat down on the plane.

We looked at each other sheepishly and agreed that we would surely have a hard time getting around the world.

What was the basic problem?

Both he and I had to face a simple truth. He wanted to run things his own way. I wanted to run things my way. In a word—selfishness. We fit the picture of human nature as described in Isaiah 53:6: “All of us, like sheep, have strayed away. We have left God’s paths to follow our own.” The reason I like this example so much is because often our selfishness begins in this very type of situation. It is a small thing. We are trying to be accommodating. And yet, we still want the outcome to be the way we want it.

He and I, individually, needed to repent of our self-centeredness, and be forgiven and cleansed—which we did. And then we needed to decide who was going to be the “leader” for this trip if we were to manage the multitude of daily decisions that were to come up on our trip.

So, we called ourselves together to have an election. But we faced the thorny problem of choosing a leader with only two people voting.

Which one of us would you pick to be the leader? In order to help you decide, let me give you some facts. He was the director of the mission. His people had planned our itinerary with him in mind. Most of them had never heard of me.

Now let me tell you what happens whenever I ask my audiences at a conference to choose one of us for a leader on the basis of the above facts.

The dialogue between me and the audience goes something like this:

“Let me ask you folks out there … how many of you would vote for me to be the leader?”

Not a single hand goes up.

“Let me ask that question again!”

There is hilarious laughter, but no one changes their vote. Everyone votes for the mission director.

I wouldn’t vote for me either. He is the obvious leader. And that is actually what the two of us decided.

I still had my Ph.D. My experience didn’t disappear. My reputation didn’t change. I didn’t “lose face” because he was now the leader. We had simply decided, among friends, which one of us would have the last word. We could now get to our common goal without a debate every time a little decision was needed.

We had no more problems on our trip, even though my opinion still differed with his at times. He made the final decisions, many times asking for my opinion. Our respect for one another grew. But we could have lost our friendship by the time the trip was over if we hadn’t made this important decision at the beginning.

There are two basic principles that guided our behavior with one another.

First, we were both committed to following the Bible as our guide for living. Second, we consciously acted on our commitment.

Here are two verses that gave us direction:

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. —Ephesians 5:21

All who fear the LORD will hate evil. Therefore, I hate pride and arrogance, corruption and perverse speech. —Proverbs 8:13

When you put these verses together, they simply mean that two men who “fear the Lord” are not two cringing, fearful people, but rather two individuals who want to clear away any evil, pride, or arrogance that is revealed between them and figure out a mutually agreeable way to get along.

Anna—A Family of Selfish Individuals

Anna’s family lives in an affluent neighborhood with beautiful evergreens, hedges, and private drives. Her family’s home includes a large yard with a swimming pool. In some ways, this lifestyle excites Anna and her mother. In other ways, it frustrates them, because all is not well in the midst of this luxury.

Anna’s dad is an insurance representative in four states and is away from home much of the time. He gives his wife a specified allowance each month, tells her exactly how to spend it, and checks up on her expenditures regularly.

Anna hears her mother and father argue on a regular basis. The issues are usually the same. Her mother nags her father about his long absences from home, the fact that he is not paying any attention to Anna, and his tight-fisted control over the money. With her father, it is always the same; her mother is spending too much money.

Recently, Anna and her mom were discussing Anna’s latest dilemma.

“Mom, I just have to get some new clothes. Let’s face it, kids at this school wear all the latest trends. I’ll never be accepted if I don’t wear what is in style. Just two weeks from tonight, Ashley is having a party, and I haven’t a thing …”

 “Anna, you know your father insists that I buy you too many clothes as it is.”

“Isn’t there something we can do, mom? I’ll just die if my friends don’t accept me. I just know I won’t be invited to another party unless …”

Anna began sobbing.

Anna’s mother usually yielded to her husband’s instructions, even if she inwardly resented them. This time she rebelled and made a decision she knew her husband would object to.

“Anna, don’t cry. I’ll try to cut down on something else so you can have some new clothes. I hope your father won’t notice. So be careful. If he finds out, there will be trouble.”

“Okay, mom. Don’t worry.”

Their plan worked. Before the party, Anna had some new clothes. As she was getting ready to go out, Anna thought of her father. Would he notice and question her?

She needn’t have worried. Anna’s father was much too preoccupied to notice her or her clothes.

One night, however, when Anna came home wearing a new outfit, her father did notice her and said, “You look very nice in that dress.”

“Thank you, dad,” she replied, as she felt herself beginning to blush. Nothing more was said.

In her room, Anna had some serious misgivings about the scheme she and her mother had concocted. Then, as she remembered the way the kids had been impressed with her new clothes, she said to herself, “Oh, well. I guess all’s fair in love and war—as long as you don’t get caught. It’s all dad’s fault anyway. If he’d give mom more money, she wouldn’t have to lie to him.”

A month of seeming serenity passed. Then, Anna’s mother’s world caved in. On a Friday, the school principal phoned, asking about Anna’s health.

“I’m so sorry Anna’s had the flu. I’ve received your note.”

When the conversation ended and the principal stopped talking and hung up, Anna’s mom was numb with disbelief. Tears filled her eyes. She sat down. She hadn’t written any note. Anna hadn’t been sick. Anna had been skipping school. But why? Why would she do such a thing? But Anna’s mother had not told the principal the truth.

Instead, she decided to do something else about it. She brought Anna to me.

Several counseling sessions followed with all the members of the family. There was ill-will, selfishness, and deception in the hearts of all of them.

Anna’s father was unreasonable. There was plenty of money available. And, as it turned out, his wife also had plenty of money to spend. Anna also had a lot of clothes.

How does this illustration relate to self-respect? Anna’s mother was chipping away at her self-respect by purchasing more clothes for Anna and entering into a conspiracy with her daughter to deceive her husband. However, she was devasted when she learned that her daughter was also deceiving her by skipping school. How could she deal with her daughter’s deception when she was deceiving her husband?

Anna’s mother justified her choices by telling herself she was being a considerate mother—exactly the opposite of her inconsiderate husband.

He was, indeed, an inconsiderate husband and a disinterested father. His world revolved around himself and his own interests. He did not really need to be away as often as he was. He justified his choices by telling himself that his business demanded the lifestyle he was providing for his family.

Anna was becoming a skilled manipulator, doing as she pleased, and she justified her choices by convincing herself that she was only doing what was necessary to be accepted by her friends because she was a neglected child.

This family would benefit greatly if they would embrace this biblical principle:

Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. —Philippians 2:3–4

I have listened to many similar stories and have found that we are capable of an endless variety of ways of deceiving ourselves. The Bible tells us:

The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is? But I, the LORD, search all hearts and examine secret motives. I give all people their due rewards, according to what their actions deserve. —Jeremiah 17:9–10

Knowing that our hearts are deceitful and knowing that God will search our hearts and test our minds, it is only logical to continuously evaluate our choices. But how? The psalmist gives a clue:

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life. —Psalm 139:23–24

You can know your heart if you allow the Lord to show you yourself reflected in his Word. On the basis of what you see, you can act on his instructions.

The prophet Isaiah said,

Seek the LORD while you can find him. Call on him now while he is near. Let the wicked change their ways and banish the very thought of doing wrong. Let them turn to the LORD that he may have mercy on them. Yes, turn to our God, for he will forgive generously. —Isaiah 55:6–7

The apostle John points the way to a happy life:

Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions. Our actions will show that we belong to the truth, so we will be confident when we stand before God. Even if we feel guilty, God is greater than our feelings, and he knows everything. Dear friends, if we don’t feel guilty, we can come to God with bold confidence. And we will receive from him whatever we ask because we obey him and do the things that please him. —1 John 3:18–22

Four Biblical Guidelines for Making Good Choices

When we study God’s Word, we find four helpful guidelines for making choices that will have a positive effect on our self-respect as well as on our overall sense of happiness and contentment.

1. Treat others as you would like to be treated.

Jesus said,

Do to others as you would like them to do to you. —Luke 6:31

This is what many of us know as the Golden Rule. It requires serious self-reflection rather than concentration on figuring out someone else.

How would you like you to be treated? Would you like others to make an effort to find out what makes you happy? Would you like others to defer to your wishes rather than theirs when there is a difference of opinion? Do you like being deceived or lied to? Would you rather serve or be served? Do you mind if people say one thing to you in your presence and then another when you aren’t there?

2. Be a leader.

The apostle Paul said,

Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me — everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you. —Philippians 4:9

A first reading of this verse may give the impression that it is an egotistical and impossible statement. But as we consider this statement in light of Paul’s life, we see that it is a word of encouragement. Imagine living your life in such a fashion that anyone who pays close attention to you finds the God of peace is with them because they follow what they learn, receive, hear, and see from you. They, like you, are making choices that are commendable, positive, and wholesome. Such a description of person is surely a firm foundation for building self-respect.

3. Thankfully make choices as though the Lord is physically beside you.

The apostle Paul wrote to the Colossians:

Let the message about Christ, in all its richness, fill your lives. Teach and counsel each other with all the wisdom he gives. Sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts. And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father. —Colossians 3:16–17

The presence of your boss, a policeman, stranger, or even a friend in your home is enough reason to pay careful attention to your behavior. Imagine how careful you would be if Jesus were physically with you. All of your choices would surely result in a thoughtful and thankful spirit.

4. Carry out your choices willingly and with a desire to please God.

The apostle Paul also wrote:

Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people. Remember that the Lord will give you an inheritance as your reward, and that the Master you are serving is Christ. —Colossians 3:23–24

There is nothing more frustrating than taking on a responsibility unwillingly. Sooner or later we are all faced with a task we would rather not do. There are chores, household responsibilities, errands, and duties at work, school, or church that we would all rather walk away from.

Have your ever considered how many nostrils and throats a physician examines in a day? Or how many mouths a dentist peers into in a day? There is no need to pity these people; this is a vocation they have chosen. If they have a healthy response to their work, they accept the routine along with the glory.

We do not have a choice for many of the duties we must perform. However, we do have a choice when it comes to asking God to give us a thankful attitude toward our tasks. How wonderful to enjoy what you are doing. Do it willingly. Take that task on as an act of worship! This is true whether your task is at a desk, in front of a computer, in a factory, behind a podium, or in the home.

The poet Henry Van Dyke aptly put this thought into words in his well-known poem, “Work”:

Let me but do my work from day to day,
In field or forest, at desk or loom,
In roaring market-place or tranquil room;
Let me but find it in my heart to say,
When vagrant wishes beckon me astray,
“This is my work; my blessing, not my doom;
Of all who live, I am the one by whom
This work can best be done in the right way.”
Then shall I see it not too great, nor small,
To suit my spirit and to prove my powers;
Then shall I cheerful greet the laboring hours,
And cheerful turn, when the long shadows fall
At eventide, to play and love and rest,
Because I know for me my work is best.

A. W. Tozer, expressed the same principle in his classic book, The Pursuit of God:

We must offer all of our acts to God and believe that He accepts them, then hold firmly to that position, and keep insisting that every act of every hour of every day and night be included … Let us practice the fine art of making every work a priestly ministration. Let us believe that God is in all of our simple deeds and learn to find Him there.

When we approach our responsibilities as an opportunity to bring honor to God, to please him, and to do it with an attitude of willingness and thankfulness will ultimately build our self-respect and our sense of happiness.

Paul reminds us:

Be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity. —1 Timothy 4:12

When our behavior falls short of biblical standards we ultimately will experience unrest, anxiety, worry, and tension. We pay a great price when we depart from truth, integrity, and honesty.

Questions for Reflection/Discussion:

  1. Think for a moment about your interactions with others. What positive and negative character qualities do your interactions reveal about you?
  2. There are a lot of scripture passages in this chapter. Which one most encourages you? Which one most challenges you?
  3. Which of the four Biblical guidelines do you need to make a priority in your life? How can you begin immediately to live out that guideline in a more proactive way?

Memorize: Philippians 2:3–4

Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.