Almost everyone who comes to my office for counseling has been in pursuit of the advantages of life, but something has seemed to stand in their way. Their happiness and sense of self-worth or self-respect have been shattered. If their self-worth and self-respect are intact, then the lack of joy in their life is attributed to the behavior of an offending person or to circumstances that have shifted to one’s disadvantage. It as if they are playing an advantages/disadvantages game.
Let me list some of the advantages I have seen people chasing and some of their perceived corollary disadvantages.
Advantages Disadvantages
education lack of education
wealth poverty
high position low position
physical beauty plain or ordinary
fame insignificance
popular unnoticed
healthy unwell
singleness/marriage marriage/singleness
financially secure living paycheck to paycheck
My clients tell me that advantages or overcoming disadvantages does not lead to contentment, joy, peace, or a sense of self-worth or self-respect. We all know that the lives of the famous and the popular often end in misery. The same goes for the healthy, the educated, those in authority, and even those who believe they are financially secure. It’s a frustrating world. Technology, mechanical failures, impolite and careless people, social errors, noisy children, misunderstandings, and poor planning seem to make us angry—in spite of advantages.
One couple came to see me in separate cars because they couldn’t stand to be in the same car together. One car was a Cadillac, the other a Mercedes. They lived in a beautiful, professionally decorated house. They had unlimited financial wealth, they but couldn’t purchase friendship or happiness.
Another client had responsibility for several thousand employees and yet he came to see me because he was tremendously unhappy. He had plenty of power, but he couldn’t control the tension and bitterness in his body.
By now you get my point. Surely, anyone would prefer to be educated, wealthy, powerful, and contented rather than uneducated, poor, powerless, and contented. Nothing against advantages, you understand. But it is clear that advantages are just that—advantages. They, in themselves, do not produce happiness, contentment, joy, peace, or a sense of self-worth or self-respect. If you play the advantages/disadvantages game, you’ll always eventually come up a loser.
If advantages don’t produce positive inner qualities, what does?
There is an answer.
Three Steps to Happiness
In Matthew 22:37–39,
Jesus tells us, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: Love your neighbor as yourself.”
The key to experiencing happiness boils down to this:
- Love God.
- Love your neighbor.
- Love yourself.
Happiness is not produced by the advantages and disadvantages in your life. It is a product of your priorities. In a world that values stuff, and lots of it, prestige, and power, it is hard for us to wrap our heads around the idea that God needs to be first in our lives.
In presenting this idea to my clients, it often leaves them cold and unresponsive at first glance. They don’t want God in their lives, they want happiness! And happiness comes from earning enough money, getting an education, being understood, and having an understanding spouse, obedient children, and appreciative friends, doesn’t it?
Happiness is a product of your priorities.
The answer to that question depends on whether you believe Jesus knows what he is talking about. As for me, if Jesus said it, there is no need for a survey or research project to prove his statements. Your response to Jesus will not be changed by a further statement on my part that I have seen thousands of changed lives verifying his teaching.
The only way for you to evaluate the advice of Jesus is to take a step of faith and prove it to yourself. Take him at his Word and launch out on your own quest to prove the truth of what he says. If you choose to pursue this adventure, commit a year, or two—or better yet, five—to finding out. Make a commitment to truly pursue the life God has for you.
Step 1: Love God
Jesus said, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.” What does this mean? It means you must commit yourself to falling in love with Jesus. You give your quest all you’ve got.
How do you know if you love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind? One of Jesus’ disciples asked him a similar question and Jesus replied, “Those who accept my commandments and obey them are the ones who love me” (John 14:21).
To know and accept his commandments is no easy process. They are contained in a big, thick book called the Bible. To become familiar with the commandments of Jesus means you will need to take the time to read and study and apply the Bible to your own life. To dig into that book can seem to be a daunting task. Is it worth it? Why should you take Jesus and his commandments seriously? Let him speak for himself. He said to his disciples, “I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me” (John 16:33) and “so that you will be filled with my joy” (John 15:11).
King David, one of the wisest men who ever lived, offered this advice:
Oh, the joys of those who do not
follow the advice of the wicked,
or stand around with sinners,
or join in with mockers.
But they delight in the law of the Lord,
meditating on it day and night.
—Psalm 1:1–2
Surely some of you have tried to read the Bible, only to find it to be a dull and meaningless book. You must begin your quest with awakening a love for God. You may have doubts. Accept them and take a step of faith. Let me assure you that your step of faith will be rewarded.
However, before you begin, there is a preliminary step that you must take if God’s Word is to mean something to you.
Anyone who belongs to God listens gladly to the words of God. But you don’t listen because you don’t belong to God.—John 8:47
People who aren’t spiritual can’t receive these truths from God’s Spirit. It all sounds foolish to them and they can’t understand it, for only those who are spiritual can understand what the Spirit means. —1 Corinthians 2:14
What do these verses mean? They are telling us that in order for us to understand God’s Word, we must enter into a relationship with him. Accepting Jesus Christ and his sacrifice for your sin is the foundation for your relationship with God. It’s like saying that calculus is meaningless to the student unless he has a mathematical background. Likewise, the Bible is dead to you unless you have a relationship with God.
In the book of Revelation, Jesus said,
I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends.— Revelation 3:20.
As an act of faith, open the door or your heart and Jesus will come in and empower you to become a child of God. Then, and only then, will you discover the truth of the words of Jesus when he said,
Those who accept my commandments and obey them are the ones who love me. And because they love me, my Father will love them. And I will love them and reveal myself to each of them. —John 14:21
As God reveals himself to you, his commandments will come alive and you will discover that he is leading you to happiness, contentment, peace, joy, stability, and blessing.
Step 2: Love Your Neighbor
In Matthew 22:39, Jesus said, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” He also said, “This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” (John 15:12–13).
The apostle Paul instructed the Galatian Christians:
For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love. For the whole law can be summed up in this one command: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ But if you are always biting and devouring one another, watch out! Beware of destroying one another. —Galatians 5:12–15
Loving others can be hard! But notice that loving others comes after we love God. It is because of our love relationship with God that we are able to love others. And Paul’s instruction tells us what that love means: serving and not destroying others. When we focus our attention on loving others we find happiness ourselves.
Step 3: Love Yourself
Jesus’ directive in Matthew 22 is to “Love your neighbor as yourself” (emphasis added). In my experience, it seems that the simplest way to get people started on keeping God’s commandments is to get them working on themselves. I find that when I have a sense of improvement in my attitude and reactions to the people who cross my path, I feel better about myself. I also develop a growing sense of self-respect. I need to like myself. And so do you! It is difficult to engage with life when we feel bad about ourselves.
I have spent a lifetime listening to the stories of people who don’t like themselves. The details of these stories vary greatly, but eventually there is a recurring theme. These people don’t like themselves. They chip away at their own self-respect which in turn leads to personal anxiety and misery as well as trouble with other people.
Commitment to Live Life God’s Way
You must choose to “love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind” and to “love your neighbor as yourself.” And you will find that you must renew your commitment many times each day. There will be many temptations along the way to draw you away from your decision to put God first in all of your life situations. The Bible contains a reassuring promise:
The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure. —1 Corinthians 10:12–13
A commitment requires an initial decision and then a renewal of that decision whenever necessary.
When a person borrows money from an individual or an institution, they make a commitment to repaying that loan. Each time a payment comes due, they recommit themselves to the promise of repayment.
An educational endeavor requires the same type of commitment. An individual makes a decision to go to college, but if they stop with the decision, they still do not earn a degree. Each time a test comes along, they must renew their original commitment and take the test. They must make daily decisions to study or not to study. They must reaffirm their initial commitment when it is time to complete a research project. To get through college, it takes a daily commitment to the end goal to get through.
It has been my experience that if someone wants to do something bad enough, they’ll do it. It is possible to change your present behavior. I’ve observed people who are choosing bad behavior and justifying it because of their past, choose to make positive changes spite of their past. I’ve also observed young people who adopt an entirely new pattern of behavior after only one year of college and then turn back to their early behavior just as abruptly as they turned away from it.
A commitment requires an initial decision and then
a renewal of that decision whenever necessary.
You can choose to look at pornographic material or you can choose not to. You can choose to be mean and unhappy or you can choose not to. You can choose to make excuses for your poor choices or you can choose to start making better choices. Likewise, you can choose to study the Bible and live accordingly, or you can choose not to.
It is important to remember that a commitment made today will need to be renewed again and again as other opportunities tempt you to divert your time and effort. Your commitments are entirely up to you.
Questions for Reflection/Discussion:
- In what ways are you currently playing the advantages/disadvantages game?
- When it comes to loving God, loving others, and loving yourself, in which area do you need the most work? What is one step you can take to move forward in this area of your life?
- On a scale of 1–10, how committed are you to living life God’s way? Do you want to be more committed? What is one thing you can do to become more committed?
Memorize: Matthew 22:37–39
“Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: Love your neighbor as yourself.”