We have all heard someone wistfully say:
“If I could only get that promotion, then I would be happy.”
“Being a stay at home mom is degrading. If only I had a job, then I would be happy.”
“If my husband would only pay more attention to me, then I would be happy.”
“If only our children would obey, then we’d be happy.”
We tend to want the golden pot at the end of the rainbow, that something in the future that will bring us happiness—a new experience, a new success, a new degree of cooperation or respect or obedience from the people around us, or even a new someone.
I’ve listened to many people describe their new circumstances with excitement in their voices. Their eyes sparkle and happy smiles light up their faces. Generally, such optimism consumes us when there are prospects for something new in the future.
“I’m getting married.”
“I’m starting a new job.”
“I made a wonderful investment.”
“We are building a new house.”
“We are expecting a baby.”
“I’m starting a new business.”
“We are taking a trip.”
“I’m going to college.”
I’ve also listened to these same people who have been in their “new” situations for a while—perhaps years. Sometimes their hopes have turned to ashes. As they recount their current predicaments their eyes are slits, the corners of their mouths are turned down, their voices tremble.
“My wife drives me crazy.”
“My husband is selfish.”
“My boss is unmerciful.”
“My investment was a poor choice, I lost everything.”
“We have all kinds of problems with our new house.”
“The baby cries all night.”
“My business takes up all of my time.”
“Our trip was awful.”
“I hate college.”
We all know people—perhaps our own children, parents, or close friends—who have spent a great deal of time and energy in pursuit of education, wealth, power, social life, or religious standing. Their goal was a fulfilled, contented, happy, productive life. But they’ve ended up depressed, angry, bitter, frustrated, or empty, with broken hearts and failed relationships. They didn’t learn “to be content in whatever circumstances” they were in.
Jenny and Josh—A Marriage on the Brink of Destruction
The tragedy of seeking happiness from human relationships is illustrated by Jenny and Josh.
They started their marriage with the highest of hopes. Jenny had been a very lonely, unhappy person who had fled her unhappy childhood home and was living alone. Josh had been raised in a family broken by a divorce. He was an independent person who did as he pleased. Jenny liked his happy-go-lucky manner.
Their courtship was brief, a few months of whirlwind dating, a short engagement, and then marriage and a happy life together (they thought).
However, it took only a few months for them to discover that marriage was not the answer to their individual quests for happiness. Josh continued his independent ways, going and coming as he pleased. Maybe he came home straight from work, maybe not. He didn’t feel the need to keep Jenny informed as to his whereabouts.
On the days when Josh didn’t come straight home from work, when he did happen to arrive at home he was confronted by a predictably cold, untouchable, angry woman. After listening to her tirades for a while, he would become increasingly disgusted and end up leaving the house again, shouting at her as he slammed the door behind him.
They stuck it out for eleven long, miserable years—with Jenny griping and complaining the entire time. Josh just ignored her and continued to do his own thing.
Finally, he announced that he was moving out, leaving their two children for Jenny to worry about. He moved in with a girlfriend.
As Jenny told me their story, it was obvious that she was desperate. Her hands doubled into fists. Her voice shrilled. The tensed muscles in her jaw distorted her beautiful face.
“He comes home once a week to see the children,” she told me. “We have a boy, age nine, and a girl, almost eleven. All week long I have to fuss with those kids. Then on the weekend, here comes Josh. He’s relaxed, smug, and happy. It makes me furious.”
If Josh is relaxed when he arrives, it doesn’t last long. Jenny furiously berates him with all the hostile words she can think of. Each visit ends the same way. Jenny complains and criticizes until Josh finally blows up. The two of them start shouting at each other, even hitting each other.
“Every week is like a war,” she said. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t want a divorce. I want my marriage back. But I can’t stand the sight of that man.”
By now, I suppose you have already taken sides and perhaps wonder where I stand.
Obviously, Josh is doing wrong. Even in our permissive society, very few Bible-believing Christians would condone his living arrangement with his girlfriend—especially when he is still married to Jenny. The Bible is crystal clear on this: “You must not commit adultery” (Deuteronomy 5:18).
But Josh insists that his wife’s behavior is driving him into his girlfriend’s arms. However, just because he says that is what he believes, doesn’t make it true. He is clearly wrong. At the same time, when Jenny storms around the house with anger, hostility, bitterness, and hatred, she surely isn’t hurting Josh or his girlfriend. They aren’t there. She is alone, hurting only herself.
All this is going on underneath her own skin. And this is a key principle.
Jenny insists that Josh causes her condition. If he would shape up, she would be a pleasant, responsive, happy woman. Because she says it so passionately, however, doesn’t make her right. She also is wrong.
Jenny and Josh have two problems, not one.
- What to do about their marriage.
- What to do about themselves.
And the second needs to be dealt with first. Before anything can be done about their marriage, they individually need to do something about themselves.
Josh refused to come to me for counseling, but Jenny came to see me again.
“Tell me how to find contentment in this mess,” she pleaded. “I really do want to save my marriage.”
What she really needed was some instruction. So together, we took a look at some Bible verses.
Galatians 5 tells us,
When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God.—vv. 19–21
Our “sinful nature” comes from within. Other people may give occasion for us to express it, but they don’t cause it.
Which of these apply to Jenny? Hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, and envy.
As we discussed her role in their conflict, she shouted, “What about Josh? He’s a lying, two-faced adulterer and blames me for driving him into that woman’s arms.”
True. Which of these apply to Josh? In addition, to those that apply to Jenny, sexual immorality, impurity, and lustful pleasures.
They both have allowed the sinful nature to take control of their lives. If both Jenny and Josh had a cold, each would need to be treated for his or her own cold. Likewise, each needs to deal with his or her own personal sinful nature.
The good news is that Galatians goes on to say,
But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. —vv. 22–23
What a relief it would be for Jenny to be filled with such a Spirit and experience all he has to offer. What a delight for her to share her love, joy, and peace with Josh.
“Why should I treat him like that?” she grumbled. “He doesn’t deserve it.”
True. He doesn’t. But why should he ruin her inner life and spoil her evenings?
Jenny was noncommittal when she left my office. I find it strange that we readily accept and defend our outbursts of anger, disputes, and strife and steadfastly resist love, joy, and peace when it is offered to us so freely.
I’ve learned from many of my clients that the one who is mistreated tends to be preoccupied with the misdeeds of the offending one while at the same time justifying their own personal negative behavior or reactions toward the offending person, even at the cost of personal misery.
However, the next time Jenny came to see me, I hardly recognized her. Her face was relaxed and the shrillness was gone from her voice. She was beautiful, content, and happy.
What had happened?
She had repented of her nastiness and had asked God to fill her with his Holy Spirit. She had dealt with herself.
“I realized that I needed to take responsibility for myself. I really do want to save my marriage,” she said.
“Alright, then,” I replied. “What I am about to share with you may seem difficult, but let me assure you that, with God’s help, you can do it. The next time Josh comes over, melt into his arms and give him a kiss such as you have never given him before.”
Her response to that was: “Ugh.”
“But let me warn you,” I went on. “Don’t be surprised if he doesn’t respond.”
Sure enough, the next time Josh showed up, she melted into his arms, and he got out of there and drove off. He didn’t know how to handle such behavior and fled, wondering what she was up to.
Jenny had her lapses, but she continued to ask God to fill her with his qualities. Over time, Josh’s visits became mutually pleasant experiences. He eventually wanted to find what Jenny had found. He asked her to explain how and why she had changed so drastically.
Jenny simply explained to him that she had become so preoccupied with his misdeeds that she had become totally blind to her own. When it dawned on her that her meanness was her own doing, she had confessed the fact to the Lord, asked him to forgive her, to cleanse her, and to strengthen her with his Spirit. When she saw clearly that she had been blaming Josh for her choices, by an act of her own will she took responsibility for her choices.
Peace and love come from God.
“I was very wrong in the way I treated you, Josh,” she said. “And I’m sorry. Please forgive me. With God’s help I intend to respond to you as a wife should. I know that I cannot control what you do, but I am going to love you as I should.”
Josh went away convinced that Jenny was laying a trap. From that point on, when Josh came over, he was looking for a fight. Jenny took months of mistreatment in exchange for her friendly, quiet manner.
Finally, Josh was convinced that the new Jenny had something, and one day, all alone, he asked Jesus to invade his life, forgive him for his adulterous, selfish ways, and give him the Spirit Jenny had.
Today they are united as a family. They found the key to happiness. They found that peace and love come from God, not from human relationships.
Dave and Lisa—Empty Success
Dave and Lisa exemplify the futility of seeking happiness through financial success and accomplishments.
Dave is a big, strong, brilliant, talented man. He moved from extreme poverty as a child to reach a boyhood dream of owning his own business and becoming financially independent. Lisa is an energetic, personable, competent woman. They lived in California, not far from Yosemite National Park, and started renting trailers to people who wanted to haul their camping gear up the mountain. This was way back before anyone had even imagined RVs!
It was a family business. Together, Dave and Lisa installed hitches on the back bumpers of cars, hooked up trailers, and watched families happily head for Yosemite. The playground for their small children was the trailer lot, which was also the front yard of their house.
Their customers began asking if a refrigerator could be installed in their trailers. Then they wanted a refrigerator and a cupboard. Then a tent trailer. Every change added weight to the trailers until they were so heavy the cars heated up when they pulled them up the mountain.
If only he could eliminate the car. Dave was a dreamer, an innovator, a pioneer, and so, he started working on plans to produce a motor home that could be sold for half the price of current models.
For fourteen years Dave poured his entire life into the challenge of developing a motor-driven recreational vehicle. A company finally agreed to produce it, and quickly this motorhome company was out producing and outselling all the competitors in the United States. Dave’s dream was coming true. His idea was an industry changing concept and his perseverance a success story. And … at the center of Dave and Lisa’s dream was financial success.
However, Dave and Lisa were not people who desired financial success purely for themselves.
One of their employees needed an operation and they paid the entire bill. They helped several employees make down payments on their homes. Another employee was confined to a wheelchair, and Dave hired him to wait on customers. “He is a capable person, and his personality and efficiency benefit our company,” Dave said. Dave even arranged to have a special room built onto this man’s house, designed to make life as comfortable as possible for him.
So, Dave was a nice guy, wasn’t he? He was pleased because his idea made a contribution to making life more enjoyable for American families. He ultimately walked away from his business with several million dollars. He’d done it. Now he could take it easy the rest of his life. It was just a matter of picking the place to retire.
Dave and Lisa’s search ended when they chose a plush condominium on one of Florida’s choicest oceanfront sites. “All my life I figured happiness would come when I reached this level in life,” he said. “Now I can almost taste it.”
Dave and Lisa arrived in Florida ready to enjoy life fully. They accumulated the obligatory fancy car, fishing boat, and twin-engine plane.
So, Dave started into the good life. One day he would play golf. The next morning, walk the beach. Then he and Lisa would jump in the plane and fly over to Nassau for lunch. In the afternoon they would fly back and play tennis. There was scuba diving, and deep-sea fishing, and lazy afternoons at the beach. If Dave and his family got bored with southern Florida, they could fly back to California to Lisa’s parents’ home (all 5,000 square feet of it that Dave and Lisa had purchased for them) nestled on twenty acres, replete with fruit trees. While they were there, the family could use their five ATVs and go hill climbing. If the United States didn’t present enough excitement, they could take off for Mexico … South America … Europe…the world. And they did.
Quite a change of life for a boy who was born at the tail end of the Depression and didn’t have enough money to even buy shoes for school. He’d made it. And big.
Or had he?
“No. I hadn’t,” Dave confided to me. “I had expected happiness to come with a better job … more money … the ultimate life. But after a few months of nonstop golf, tennis, and walking the beach, I found it wasn’t true. I was completely empty.”
You don’t believe it, do you? How could Dave and Lisa have an empty life with all those advantages? Even though Dave was an American success story and Mr. Nice Guy when it came to consideration for his fellow man … still, he was empty. After fourteen years of hard work focused upon reaching a goal, doing good things for fellow men along the way, he was now free to do anything his heart desired. And what did he find? Emptiness.
Happiness and contentment are not dependent on people or circumstances. They come from a person’s relationship with God.
Lisa was by his side all the way. However, she too, was dissatisfied. Many of her hopes for her family turned to ashes. There was discord among the children. There were strained relations between her and Dave.
I walked along the beautiful Florida beaches with Lisa and Dave, listening to their story of emptiness and hopelessness. What, or where, is the key to happiness? For Lisa and Dave, hard work, success, and wealth had led to an empty pot at the end of the rainbow.
However, there is a happy ending. Dave and Lisa came to realize that hostility, quarreling, jealousy, selfish ambition, dissension, division, and envy were robbing them of the good life they had worked so hard to find.
The solution that worked for Jenny and Josh also worked for them—confession, repentance, receiving forgiveness and cleansing, and allowing God to strengthen them day by day.
The change in their lives has been incredible. Their marriage relationship tension has slipped away. Family problems continue but no longer tear up their world. They don’t have to travel around the world to find happiness and contentment. They have discovered the basic truth that happiness and contentment are not dependent on people or circumstances. They come from a person’s relationship with God. Only God can give love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
Questions for Reflection/Discussion:
- Honestly, what are your “If only …” situations?
- When is the last time you said, “I was wrong”? Is there a situation in your life currently that you need to begin to correct by saying these words? When are you going to take care of this situation?
- What is presently standing in your way of owning your own happiness?
Memorize: Galatians 5:22–23
But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.