65709 9. The Responsibility Is Yours

How do you achieve and maintain true peace? Must you be at the mercy of your circumstances? Is it inevitable that a chance meeting can plunge you into the depths of despair?

Eric was a happy, successful man—he thought. Then by meeting someone he hadn’t seen for twelve years he was, as if by magic, transported backward in time. Even though he sat at his expensive desk in his plush office, with the words “General Manager” on his door and several secretaries at his call, in his mind he was back in the chair at his parents’ home, a bitter, aching, confused young man who had been fired as the reward for working hard and living a clean life. He was reliving those days in which he lost his car and house and underwent the humiliating experience of living with his parents because he was broke. Sitting there now, in air-conditioned comfort, this man who ran eight plants and directed the work of hundreds of men had only one thought—revenge.

However, the Bible clearly says,

Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone. Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, “I will take revenge; I will pay them back,” says the Lord.” —Romans 12:17–19

Eric knew about these verses. We also discussed the words of Jesus:

Love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you.
—Matthew 5:44, NKJV

Were these words a challenge to Eric? Not at first. They were in the Bible, to be sure, and Eric was a sincere and consistent Bible student. But at that time, Eric could not see how these words applied to his situation. To fire his old opponent was a thought that gave him much pleasure. Years of time to get over his pain, success, a plush office, money, power—these had not changed his vengeful heart.

He had nearly forgotten the lean years more than a decade ago. But now the memory of that time came flooding back, and he had to choose to forgive or retaliate. The decision was up to him. It was his response to the past that would tip the balance.

He could not control some of the events of his life. He was the victim of someone’s decision twelve years before, no question of that. Now it appeared he was again a victim, this time of a personnel director’s decision to hire a person who had wronged him. Suddenly, there the man was, and successful, happy Eric was plunged into the depths of bitterness and hate.

The key to peace is receiving from the Lord the power to forgive.

It appears that circumstances and people dictated Eric’s problem. But he was the one who did the reacting. His problem was within himself. Would he forgive or get even? Deep within himself, Eric knew that retaliation would not bring him peace of mind. The key to peace was his receiving from the Lord the power to forgive.

Peacemaker or Flame Fanner?

Eric’s situation illustrates the struggle all of us go through to find peace. Bitterness, hatred, and revenge are natural responses to troublesome people and events. And often, we fan the flame of our emotions. But how much better it is to think in terms of making peace, rather than planning someone’s destruction. Jesus said, “God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of God” (Matthew 5:9).

Who would think Eric weak if he forgave the engineer who had wronged him? To forgive is a mark of maturity. And spiritual maturity brings peace, as the psalmist indicated, “Look at those who are honest and good, for a wonderful future awaits those who love peace” (Psalm 37:37). “Work for peace;” “love peace;” these words place the responsibility for your decision squarely on your shoulders. This is the essence of peace—it depends on you. You reap the results of your own decisions, your own reactions, your own responses.

People are miserable when they do not take responsibility for their own inner life, their own reactions, and their own behavior toward the people and circumstances that come their way.

To get out of the gloomy pit of despair, bitterness, hostility, jealousy, and the accompanying aches, pains, and misery, you must take personal responsibility for your own character, no matter what someone else does—or did. If a person is miserable, it is their choice. Our difficulty is not the result of our background, or the people around us, or our environment, but of a choice, either deliberate or vague, to continue in the direction that we have been heading.

Eric had the opportunity to either forgive or to seek revenge. His misery or peace was to be determined by his choice, which came from within.,

People are miserable when they do not take responsibility for their own inner life, their own reactions, and their own behavior toward the people and circumstances that come their way.

Jesus stated an obvious truth: “Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows” (John 16:33). We all have our share of trouble and always will. But the presence of trouble does not alter personal responsibility. The apostle Paul wrote to the Romans, “Each of us will give a personal account to God” (Romans 14:12), and then to the Corinthians, “For we must all stand before Christ to be judged. We will each receive whatever we deserve for the good or evil we have done in this earthly body” (2 Corinthians 5:10).

The Bible contains the guidelines for Eric regarding his reaction to the people and events of his life. Jesus said,

Do to others as you would like them to do to you. If you love only those who love you, why should you get credit for that? Even sinners love those who love them! And if you do good only to those who do good to you, why should you get credit? Even sinners do that much! And if you lend money only to those who can repay you, why should you get credit? Even sinners will lend to other sinners for a full return. Love your enemies! Do good to them. Lend to them without expecting to be repaid. Then your reward from heaven will be very great, and you will truly be acting as children of the Most High. —Luke 6:31–35

The struggle for inner peace, as far as Eric was concerned, centered on his response to the engineer and what he was going to do about him. When he realized that there was a choice to be made he was well on the way to peace. What good news it was that he could have inner peace if he wanted it, that the decisions were his own to make. He need not be a helpless victim of people and events. He himself determined whether or not he would have peace of mind and heart.

Dealing with Our Past

There is no doubt that past life experiences shape us. In counseling, I generally find that the unhappy person who has been rejected rejects others; the victim of mean, angry, hateful people is also mean, angry, and hateful; the person who grew up in an atmosphere of suspicion is suspicious of others. People seem to reproduce in themselves what they are exposed to.

A person’s circumstances definitely make an impact on their life responses, thereby giving them cause for happiness or discomfort. There is the mark of parents, experiences with brothers and sisters, relationships gained through church and school activities. We are the product of our family’s economic status, our education, our bodies, our talents, our opportunities.

People who are unhappy have often been mistreated. A woman who is withdrawn and sullen often had a mother who was withdrawn and sullen. People appear to be caught up in a circle, a vicious one, forged by generation after generation of example.

Mark and Victoria were seriously at odds with one another. Among other things, they fought over the issue of going to church. Victoria insisted that they go for the sake of the children. Mark flatly refused.

“My father was a mean, selfish, two-faced man,” he said. “Yet he was looked on at church as a saint. He made us go to church twice on Sunday and every Wednesday. When we asked him why, he always told us it was the right thing to do.

“Sometimes my father and mother would get into a terrible argument at the dinner table—less than an hour after dismissal of the Sunday School in which they both taught classes. I vowed that I would abandon church as soon as I got out on my own, and I’m sticking to my word.”

As a boy, Mark had witnessed some frightening conflicts between his parents. Here he was, carrying on similar quarrels with his wife. The subject was different, but the spirit was the same. He was as inconsiderate of his wife as his father had been of his mother. Despite his protests otherwise, Mark didn’t go to church because he didn’t want to go—not because of his father.

Emily was extremely “nervous.” Her “spells” came on whenever her husband or children ignored her wishes. As we talked, it became apparent that Emily was a selfish woman. She had been pampered and spoiled all her life. Her explanation: “I was raised this way. Can I help it if I have this kind of personality?”

Another woman, recalling her past, remembered how frustrated and angry she became as a child because her mother refused to help her button up her jacket. “I would always end up with an extra buttonhole on top and a button at the bottom,” she said. “Ever since, I have gotten mad when people force me to do something. My husband insists that I put his vitamin pill on his plate for breakfast and I just rebel at this. He can do it himself.”

This woman is angry when anyone crosses her, all because she was “buttoned up wrong,” or so she believes. She takes no responsibility for her fiery temper. She dismisses it with a shrug, “It’s the way I am. My husband knows it, and I get upset if I’m pushed.”

These people do reflect their backgrounds. Mark is like his father. The woman who was pampered and spoiled is like her mother. The other, the one who was “buttoned up wrong,” came from a home where tempers flared when anyone was crossed.

An unhappy person must come to terms with the people in his past, forgive them, and seek to understand the effect they have had on him.

It is true that a child tends to absorb the atmosphere in which he was raised. It is also true that people tend to keep on going in the direction in which they are headed. But the Bible says, “You may think you can condemn such people, but you are just as bad, and you have no excuse! When you say they are wicked and should be punished, you are condemning yourself, for you who judge others do these very same things” (Romans 2:1).

An unhappy person must come to terms with the people in his past, forgive them, and seek to understand the effect they have had on him. But this Bible verse reminds us that he has no grounds for reproducing the pattern, once he understands it.

There are happy, contented people who are considerate of others who also have had difficult pasts. They too have been mistreated and rejected, but they have come to terms with their pasts, forgiving people who did not deserve forgiveness, charting their future courses as persons responsible for their own conduct. They have not produced the kinds of lives they have been exposed to.

Owning Our Own Behavior

It has become acceptable to turn to some type of sedative, whether it be alcohol or medication, rather than learn to adjust to life. In addition, it has become popular to excuse the behavior of someone who is nervous, or maladjusted, or upset, or from a dysfunctional background. How can we expect anything of someone with these kinds of issues? We have embraced the idea that a person who is at war with him or herself must be nursed, favored, carefully handled. What is the result? We tend to reject personal responsibility for our conduct. But the fact of it remains.

Responsibility for our own behavior can be illustrated in the area of physical health. The medical books explain the laws of good health. If you don’t want to be tired, you must get enough sleep. If you wish to control your weight, you must not eat large quantities of certain foods. Often these rules interfere with our plans. We have too many interesting things to do to make time for enough sleep. You like your potatoes covered with gravy, sandwiches with high-calorie sauce, and fancy desserts too much to push away from the table.

Living a life by which you make healthy decisions is your choice. The medical books do not create your problem of tiredness or excessive weight. They only provide the description. It is futile for you to complain about such rigid rules. They may upset you, or cause you to suffer, but the physician cannot repeal them. He can only state them.

“Why am I built so that I must get so much sleep and eat properly?” you may demand to know. “I want to change the rules.”

Can you eliminate your problem by ignoring the laws? Of course not. The person who transgresses the law of sleep is tired; the one who disobeys the rules of proper diet is overweight. Granted there may be other causes of fatigue and being overweight; when these are present, the medical books will help you discover them. But if the medical books do not make a man tired or fat, neither does the Bible create anxieties and frustrations by setting a standard for living. It only describes the standard.

You can disregard the principles of biblical living and enjoy yourself, but don’t be surprised when you experience anxiety, tension, worry, unhappiness, conflict, or misery.

Why must we live by the principles outlined in the Bible? The rules are so upsetting you’d like to change them. But the Bible warns us: “Don’t be misled—you cannot mock the justice of God. You will always harvest what you plant. Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful nature will harvest decay and death from that sinful nature. But those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit” (Galatians 6:7–8).

You can enjoy a busy life and a lavish table of food. The process will give you much pleasure. But expect a tired and overweight body. You can disregard the principles of biblical living and enjoy yourself, but don’t be surprised when you experience anxiety, tension, worry, unhappiness, conflict, or misery. We have not freed ourselves and found a life of ease and relaxation by ignoring the Bible.

But, you say, there are other causes of my painful symptoms. Of course there are. Your physician can help you discover the symptoms that can be corrected by medical means. If the symptoms remain, however, consider a way of life that is charted in the Bible.

The Bible tells us that we are responsible for the way we treat others and for our own attitudes and conduct. You may be tempted to neglect your health because of the people around you. But you, not they, will suffer illness if you do. You may have been mistreated in the past and are tempted to hate, to rebel, to refuse to forgive, or to insist on your own way, but it will be you who will be miserable and at cross-purposes with others.

Transgression of God’s laws is called sin (1 John 3:4: “Everyone who sins is breaking God’s law, for all sin is contrary to the law of God”). This word often disturbs us. It simply means that you have violated divine principles of spiritual living, just as the word sick means you have disobeyed medical rules of physical living. You may always be aware of the rules, but the results of your transgression do not take into account your ignorance. Any amount of reassurance of your innocence will not change the results.

The Bible tells us that it is personal sin, or wickedness as the Bible often calls it, that causes misery, not the unrighteousness of someone else.

But those who still reject me [God] are like the restless sea, which is never still but continually churns up mud and dirt. There is no peace for the wicked. —Isaiah 57:20–21

The wicked run away when no one is chasing them, but the godly are as bold as lions. —Proverbs 28:1

People who conceal their sins will not prosper, but if they confess and turn from them, they will receive mercy. —Proverbs 28:13

The wicked are far from rescue, for they do not bother with your [God’s] decrees. — Psalm 119:155

We are no more free to chart our own course for personal peace than we are to lay out the road to physical health. No one condemns the people who get sick because they unknowingly exposed themselves to disease or were unaware that they had violated the rules of good health. But we are less sympathetic and call them foolish if they deliberately risk sickness by poor life choices. No one condemns people because they were exposed to mean and hateful treatment. But deliberate violation of biblical principles is another matter.

There are degrees of wickedness (not in the eyes of God, but definitely in terms of impact and consequence). Obviously, to steal a dollar out of your mother’s purse is not the same as robbing a bank, but both actions are cut from the same cloth. For a child in a temper tantrum to hit her playmate on the head is not the same as a woman holding a grudge against an enemy and murdering her, but the spirit is the same. The high-schooler who tells his parents he is going to the library to study, but who sneaks out on a date with his girlfriend instead is not the same as the man who tells his wife he has an appointment and slips away to see another woman, but they are closely related.

Just as a slight cold is a warning that all is not well in the body, so unrighteousness, however slight, is a warning that all is not well with a person’s morality. “For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind” (James 3:16). This is why such emotions within a person should be noted and taken care of. These emotions are within us. Even though they were stimulated by some circumstance, situation, or person apart from us, they can lead to great evil.

We tend to ignore or excuse our inner life. In the Old Testament we read, “They come to you [Ezekiel] as people do, they sit before you as My people, and they hear your words, but they do not do them; for with their mouth they show much love, but their hearts pursue their own gain” (Ezekiel 33:31, NKJV). Our “own gain” is often influenced by our unhappiness, or anger, or bitterness, or resentment.

Fortunately, God has provided a solution for our dissatisfaction. We can confess our sin, acknowledge it before the Lord, look at it the same way he looks at it, turn from it, and experience freedom. David admitted his sin before God and asked for cleansing from it (see his entire prayer in Psalm 53):

Wash me clean from my guilt.
Purify me from my sin.
For I recognize my rebellion;
it haunts me day and night. (vv. 2-3)

Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
Oh, give me back my joy again;
you have broken me—
now let me rejoice. (vv. 7-8)

Create in me a clean heart, O God.
Renew a loyal spirit within me. (v. 10)

Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and make me willing to obey you. (v. 12)

You cannot erase the past. You cannot decide what your marriage partner will do. You cannot control the conduct of your associates or the turn of world events. But you can do something about your sin, which cuts you off from personal inner peace. This is indeed good news! It is not someone else’s wrongs toward you that are causing your anxieties and tensions. It is your own sin. And you can do something about it by coming just as you are to God for his forgiveness and cleansing.

The choice is yours.

Reflection Questions

  1. In what ways do you feel as though you are at the mercy of your circumstances?
  2. What is Dr. Brandt suggesting in this chapter about achieving true peace?
  3. In what ways are you a peacemaker? In what areas of your life are you a flame fanner?
  4. What is your reaction to Dr. Brandt’s assertion: “This is the essence of peace—it depends on you.”
  5. In what ways does our society promote a lack of personal accountability?

Take One Action Step

Based on the information in this chapter, what steps do you need to take to truly experience healing and wholeness?