65706 6. Behaviors That Stand in the Way of Your Peace

The person who progresses steadily from childhood into adulthood, and experiences peace along the way, learns to shift gradually and quite normally with the situations of life. Sometimes, however, a person will meet rebuffs, disappointments, failure, or tragedy with a variety of behaviors that are not only childish, but real deterrents to experiencing peace.

Regressive Behavior

To regress is simply to revert to childish ways of reacting to unpleasant situations.

Think for a moment about how children get their own way. They resort to tears, screams, whining, temper tantrums, or sulking to get what they want when they want. They will break things, fight, throw up, refuse to eat, or become hard to manage. Unfortunately, children often find that such methods work amazingly well. And because of past successes with this type of behavior, they are often reluctant to give up these tried and proven means to an end.

But, as they grow, children are taught that these techniques must be abandoned or at least restrained. They learn that other people have rights that must be respected. They (hopefully) discover that to live happily, they must accept the fact that they cannot always satisfy their own wants and desires. They learn, for example, that honor, respect, praise, and love come not from demand or by force but because they are earned by work, honest effort, and continuous adjustment to changing circumstances.

Janet is meticulous about her home—but her method for keeping it looking pristine is to sulk if someone walks across the carpet with their shoes on. Her husband, who is not so fussy about how the house looks, has learned that he is better off if he spends his spare time watching television in the basement instead of sitting in the living room. He doesn’t want to run the risk of upsetting his wife. Janet rules the roost; she controls a big, strong, rugged man by the simple device of resorting to a childish form of behavior—pouting.

Scott appears to be a calm man. But those who know him intimately are fully aware that if things go against his liking he will lose his temper. His associates typically give in to his demands, and it appears that they agree with him, but all they are doing is preventing a nasty storm from developing. Hence, he controls a situation by merely threatening to regress to childish behavior.

Jarod is a business executive who travels a great deal for his job. In typical fashion, he came running down one of the long corridors at the airport in an attempt to catch his plane. Breathless, he approached the agent at the gate and presented his ticket. “That’s my plane out there, isn’t it?” he said breathlessly, pointing to a jet on the concrete apron. Yes, it was his plane. But all preparations had been made for departure and the jet was beginning to taxi away from the boarding site.

“Maybe you don’t know who I am,” Jarod yelled. “I travel on this airline extensively for my corporation.”

The agent said he was sorry but there was nothing he could do. With a crowd of other travelers looking on, Jarod exploded. “I warn you, if you don’t get me on that plane, I’ll see to it that you have a job handling baggage and my company will never book another flight with this airline.”

Jarod had worked himself into a frenzy and embarrassed himself (and his company). But his blustering behavior did nothing for him—except to chip away at his own self-respect and reputation.

Getting your own way by hysteria, bullying, vengeful silence, cleverness, or scheming does not give you peace.

Sometimes regressive behavior works; most often it does not. But even when it succeeds in achieving an immediate objective, it leaves the one who uses it with at least a vague sense of disappointment in himself.

Many of the unhappy people who seek the help of a counselor are accomplishing a great deal; but they have an idea that their childish behavior is costing them something. They sense that people avoid or ignore them. They understand that their friends or business associates are putting up with them for the sake of politeness, or because they have something to gain for their tolerance.

Getting your own way by hysteria, bullying, vengeful silence, cleverness, or scheming does not give you peace. These behaviors surely are options for getting what you want, but they will always leave you dissatisfied.

Suppression

Another behavior that a person may use to achieve peace is suppression. In literature on psychology, suppression is referred to as a conscious, deliberate, purposeful forgetting or submerging of unpleasant childhood experiences and negative reactions to people and circumstances.

To illustrate: Ethan’s father was a demanding, dominating, cruel man. As a boy, Ethan had been required to perform a long list of chores letter-perfect. If he slipped up or stepped out of line, his dad lashed out at him with severe verbal whippings. Sometimes his father required a form of penance, such as extra chores or missing a desired activity.

Ethan grew up hating his father. As an adult he repressed the memories of his childhood most of the time. When anyone gave him a direct order, however, he saw the image of his father in that person and reacted negatively.

Suppression is not limited to experiences of the childhood. In the growing-up process everyone has known what it is to have desires, emotions, and natural inclinations that are at variance with the demands of society. Unfortunately, the usual way of dealing with non-permissible thoughts is to relegate them to the back of your mind.

Repression

Repression also involves submerging or forgetting unhappy past experiences, negative attitudes, aspirations, or feelings. However, it differs from suppression in that by repression the unhappy experiences or attitudes are pushed out of the mind unknowingly.

One’s collection of gripes, complaints, hates, and suppressed desires and actions can become so great that many of them disappear from memory. Though they no longer come to mind, they are nevertheless there. The fact that they lurk in the shadows is evident by frequent eruptions in the form of touchiness or anxiety. One becomes tense, irritable, uneasy, subject to long silences, sensitive, tired for no explainable reason, or full of aches and pains that cannot be corrected by medical treatment. It is obvious that a person who is always in danger of being “upset” or “disturbed” can hardly have a peaceful mind or feel in tune with the people around him. Such persons are not only subject to “upsets” but are in danger of “breakdowns.”

Over the last several years many psychologists have warned of the harm in repression. Some have said that a child should be allowed to grow up as he pleases so that he will not have any negative memories. If left to himself, the child will arrive at a way of life that makes him a happy person and an asset to society. However, such management of children, has only illustrated the truth of the Bible’s warning: “A child left to himself brings shame to his mother” (Proverbs 29:15). Children left to themselves do not typically learn important lessons necessary for successful adult living. We do need a standard to live by.

Repression would be a wonderful way of escaping if simply forgetting a problem actually removed it. But such is not the case. Harsh, bitter, unforgiving emotions and attitudes are stored up, not eliminated, as long as they remain harsh, bitter, and unforgiving. Every so often something happens that springs open the trapdoor to the dark attic of the mind, and the negative things we thought we had forgotten come rushing out to cause misery to ourselves and others.

The Bible offers the solution: “Judge not, and you shall not be judged. Condemn not, and you shall not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven” (Luke 6:37). It is possible for you to look on the behavior of others and on their treatment of you in a non-condemning, forgiving spirit. To do so is not to whitewash the evils toward you, but to have an attitude toward spiteful persons that will free you from their hurt.

What about the guilt and remorse that stem from memories of the past? Recognition of your sins need not cause you anxiety, for on the heels of recognition is forgiveness and to be forgiven is to find release. “In [Jesus Christ] we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins” (Colossians 1:14).

Extroversion, Introversion, Compartmentalization, and Projection

Other inappropriate ways people seek to cope with the pressures that build up within them can only be touched on here.

Extroversion. Extroversion in this sense is used to describe behavior that flees into a constant round of activity in the community, church, club, or place of employment. A person is always on the go, always talking, always planning—using activity as a refuge from personal conflict. It is extremely important here, however, to not judge another’s motives. You may think you can distinguish between the one who serves and the one who is merely fleeing from his problems, but you may be completely wrong.

Introversion. Introversion describes the process of building a wall around oneself. In an attempt to experience peace, a person engages in behavior that results in his world being entirely his own. Many an individual would do well to withdraw from the crowd for serious thinking, to reflect, and to consider before making a decision. But this is not what introversion is all about. People engaging in this type of behavior are not pondering in order to make a wise move. They are dodging issues, avoiding decisions, and hiding from the world. They are enclosed in their own private thoughts and dreams, many of which may likely never happen.

Compartmentalization. In a sense, this approach to conflict is to not let the right hand know what the left is doing. A business example of this is the person who as a church board member is careful to see that the church bylaws are upheld, but who has no problem utilizing questionable business practices in his own office, because to do so is good for his bottom line.

Projection. This is a subtle form of self-deception in which one sees his own faults as belonging to someone or something else. This is the person who has a long list of complaints about the pastor at his church and is very sure that people don’t like him or want him to serve on the church board. He is the one who is always sure of his own ethics in the office and who is critical of anyone who uses the copier for personal projects. He is the individual who is secretly having an affair and in guarding it, thinks that everyone is looking at him suspiciously or is talking about him.

Honest self-evaluation is necessary to identify what behaviors you are engaging in that are truly keeping you from a fulfilled, happy life.

All of these behaviors result in a continued struggle for peace. Honest self-evaluation is necessary to identify what behaviors you are engaging in that are truly keeping you from a fulfilled, happy life.

The Road to Maturity

Psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, and personnel directors all agree that any one of these behaviors can be a hindrance to wholesome relationships and a sense of self-respect. The answer? Behavior that is firmly grounded in God’s Word! The Bible clearly tells us, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior” (Ephesians 4:31). Clearly this is a description of childish behavior with its excessive emotions and careless, hurtful expression.

Verse 32 goes on to encourage us to “be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.” This is a description of a Christian who is “grown-up.”

Most people who seek counseling say they want to experience peace. They want to earn the honor, the admiration, the respect, the faith of others. Not all, however, are willing to recognize that to become such a person is to exercise reasonable self-control, to seek to behave in a mature way. The apostle Paul charted the route to maturity in writing to the Colossians. He told the Christians of that city that “now is the time to get rid of anger, rage, malicious behavior, slander, and dirty language. Don’t lie to each other, for you have stripped off your old sinful nature and all its wicked deeds. Put on your new nature and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become like him” (Colossians 3:8–10). He reminded them of this important truth: “Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults and forgive anyone who offends you” (3:12–13).

What is the truest sign of maturity? “But above all these things,” Paul continued, “put on love, which is the bond of perfection. And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful” (3:14–15).

Use God’s Word to instruct you in how you can experience true peace.

The Bible describes man’s heart as “deceitful” and “desperately wicked” (Jeremiah 17:9). Thus, you need a resource outside of yourself. The qualities that come from the Holy Spirit will keep you from faulty handling of truth. They can be yours when you let Jesus Christ implant them in your life. Use God’s Word to instruct you in how you can experience true peace.

In comfort and consolation:

All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.
—2 Corinthians 1:3–4

In patience and joy:

We ask God to give you complete knowledge of his will and to give you spiritual wisdom and understanding. Then the way you live will always honor and please the Lord, and your lives will produce every kind of good fruit. All the while, you will grow as you learn to know God better and better. We also pray that you will be strengthened with all his glorious power so you will have all the endurance and patience you need. May you be filled with joy. —Colossians 1:9–11

In wisdom:

If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. —James 1:5

In righteousness:

But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ and become one with him. I no longer count on my own righteousness through obeying the law; rather, I become righteous through faith in Christ. For God’s way of making us right with himself depends on faith. I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead.
—Philippians 3:7–10

In peace and hope:

I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. —Romans 15:13

Reflection Questions

  1. Honestly, what childish behaviors do you sometimes engage in?
  2. As you consider your struggle to experience peace, are there things in your life that you are suppressing or repressing?
  3. Do you ever engage in extroversion, introversion, compartmentalization, or projection as a way of dealing with difficulties in your life?
  4. In what ways can the Bible help you in your struggle for peace?
  5. In what ways can you implement one principle discussed in this chapter into your everyday life?

Take One Action Step

Memorize one of the five Bible passages included at the end of this chapter and focus on it each day for a week. Note how the passage applies to your situations, relationships, and interactions.